by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Triple H is in the ring AND in a sling.  He’s got bad hair and he’s right there.  He wears a band-aid and drinks blue Kool-Aid.  Ok.  Enough of that rhyming stuff, it’s PROMO TIME~!

HHH:  Aw, damn.  What do you little Internet bitches have to say NOW?  HUH?  “Oh, he’ll never job to Chris Benoit!  Oh, HHHe’s a big stupid dork who never jobs!  I’ve got a good name for him!  HHHerpes!  OH AHAHAHAHAHA, we’re so cool.”  Well who’s laughing now?  Huh?  ME!  Triple H!  The Game!  I don’t need the World Title.  I’m still going to get 20 minutes to start the show!  So you’re STILL stuck with me!  I don’t care WHO your favorite Wrestler is.  You think I tapped clean?  Wait until the WrestleMania DVD comes out.  20 seconds of Benoit, two hours of me.  Now…lets see.  What can I chat about?  Oh.  Ok, here’s a good one.  I was playing with Stephanie’s boobies on Saturday, when I accidentally pulled a muscle in my arm, so I wasn’t feeling well, and that’s why I’m wearing this sling.  One time, Kevin Nash and I were having a Nitro Party because we were both faking knee injuries, and Mean Gene showed up to interview me and Kev, but instead we got drunk and started throwing up this weird purple crap and….

Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate comes out.

CB:  Thanks for putting me over, matey.
HHH:  Dude, you CAN’T interrupt this story.  I was just getting to the part where we dress Gene up like a Vietnamese hooker and take him out on the street.
CB:  How much booty did ye make?
HHH:  Aw man.  Only about $10.
PS:  Pimpin’ ain’t easy.
HHH:  Papa Shango!  Damn, if I knew you were still around I would have dropped the title to you, dude.  Crap.  Screw you, Benoit.
CB:  But…but…but…I’m selling these fine leather jackets?
HHH:  Aww…geez.  I feel so stupid right now.  
CB:  Oh yeah?  Well, I’m goin’ to make you feel like crap crap crap crap CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
HHH:  Ok.  Screw all y’all.  I’m takin’ my belt back.  In Collusion, get out here.

Evolution runs out to make sure that HHH gets his way.  They start beating up Papa Shango and Chris Benoit, but suddenly, Shawn Michaels prances out with a chair and sits down to watch the beating.  Eric Bischoff makes the…uh…save.

EB:  Guys.  Knock it off.  This show sucks enough as it is.  We don’t need you guys out here fighting over who was the last one to have some Doritos and didn’t put the Chip Clip back on.
SM:  It’s was Hunter!
HHH:  Hey!  Shut up, you!
SM:  I know it was you, fatty!
EB:  We can settle this in the ring later tonight!  Evolution minus the injured HHH v. Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit.
PS:  What about me?
EB:  You can shut up.
PS:  Don’t make me voodoo curse you.
EB:  You can’t ACTUALLY voodoo curse anyone.
KN:  I KNEW IT!

(ads)

Shawn Michaels is backstage with the new Interview Guy.

IG:  Hello, RAW Interview Guy M….
SM:  Nobody cares.
IG:  Right…Uh…How do you feel about tagging with Chris Benoit later tonight?
SM:  They really sent you to the Terri School of Interviewing didn’t they?
IG:  I got my degree in Phrases Stated Like Questions.  And a certificate in TV/VCR Repair.
SM:  Can you stop my VCR from blinking 12?
IG:  Nobody can.
SM:  Where the hell is Coach?
JC:  Sorry I’m late.  I was eating some frosted animal crackers.
SM:  I hear that.
JC:  What the hell is up with Chris Benoit?
SM:  No THERE’S a question!  Unfortunately, we don’t have enough time for me to completely explore that issue.  So instead I’ll just say that if anybody is going to kill Chris Benoit, it’s going to be me.  Because I’m pretty sure Jesus would kill Chris Benoit.

Molly Holly and Jazz (w/ Theodore Long) v. Victoria and Lita

Where’s Stevie?!  Eric’s right.  This show DOES suck if they can’t even let poor Stevie Richards on.  Molly comes out with Kurt Angle’s Hair.  She should have told Undertaker her secret.  Victoria has boobs.  I notice these things so you don’t have to!  Lita pulls off Molly’s hair to reveal…Bald Molly.  On a scale of attraction she looks better than Kane but not quite as good as Josh Matthews.  Molly runs away trying to cover up the fact that she was involved in this match, and Lita pins Jazz.  Best match yet on this show.

(ads)

J.R. and Lawler throw to the Deaf Announce Table.

Chris Jericho is backstage with Interview Guy.

IG:  How did getting dumped by Trish make you feel?
CJ:  …..
IG:  How did getting dumped by Chris Tian make you feel?
CJ:  ….
IG:  Are you going to talk?
CJ:  ….
IG:  Ugh…Uh…What the hell is up with Trish Stratus?
CJ:  Bitch.

Chris Jericho v. Matt Hardy

Actually, according to Lillian, he’s Matt Hardy.  Version.  One.  Come on guys in the front row, you’ve got to start flashing those cue cards faster.  This week’s Matt fact?

Matt is wearing Lita’s thong.

Jericho attacks Matt with the dagger that Trish thrust into his heart last night at WrestleMania.  That’s pretty much a DQ.  The ref tells Jericho that not only was he dumped, but he just lost to Matt Hardy and Jericho starts crying.  Wuss.  Take it like a man.  A longhaired, effeminate man!

(ads)

Randy Orton is on the mic.

RO:  You know there comes a time in a man’s lifetime when the end of the beginning is the end of the end too.  
RVD:  Truer words were never spoken.
RO:  So tell me, Mick, when your sons Huey, Louie, Dewey and Doc end up in Duckberg idolizing Randy Orton and a Scottish Duck who swims in piles of coins, TELL ME who will be the cool one then?  Will it be you?  You who cuts promos about giving your children to Kane?  Or will it be Randy Orton?  The very same Randy Orton who can make people fall over on the cut of a whim?  Huh?  Which one will be the one who is cool?  Certainly not the fat guy.  NOT THE FAT GUY!
HHH:   What are you saying?
RO:  The fat guy cannot be cool!
HHH:  Are you saying I’m not cool because I’m fat?
RO:  No…Well…No….
HHH:  Don’t lie to me.  You’re saying fat people can’t be cool.  
RO:  You’re not fat.  You’re just…Big boned?
HHH:  Don’t talk about my penis.
RO:  All right, you’re not big boned….
HHH:  Oh, that’s it.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

Elsewhere…Metallica should come out with a St. Elsewhere CD.  Maybe that’d sell.  Anyway….Rene Dupree is backstage with Rob Conway and The Memory of Sylvan Grenier.

RD:  What the hell is this?
RC:  It’s something that the WWE Stacy Champion sent us.
RD:  You don’t mean?
MSG:  That’s right.  Fifi The RAW Satire Poodle!
RD:  Are you saying she’s a little FiFi?
RC:  Oh, shut up, Rene.
RD:  Wow.  An honest to God celebrity cameo on RAW.  
MSG:  Clear a spot next to you in the Hall of Fame Tito Santana. 
RD:  Arriba!

Steve Austin walks over.

SA:  Are you making fun of Tito Santana?
RD:  So what if I was?
SA:  Here in the WWE we don’t allow racial caricatures.
RD:  I don’t know what you’re talking about!  Uhhuhhuh!  I am…how you say…French!
MSG:  VIVA JERRY LEWIS!
SA:  You know what…Eric was right last week.  This show only makes sense when we drink.  I’m gonna go do that.
RC:  Me too.
SA:  Shut up.

Val Venis is in the ring.  Oh boy!  He asks Some Girl to take off his towel.  She looks like she cost the WWE about $5 and a handful of Vicodin.  She takes off Val’s Towel and snaps him with it.  OH!  Heel turn!  At least RVD doesn’t do this.  The girls would get a handful of ass sweat.  Lillian Garcia explodes which can only mean one thing, it’s time for a little more Kane, baby!

Val Venis v. Kane

It’s about time they gave Kane another title of some sort.  Don’t bother suggesting the Stacy Title.  I don’t think Kane would know what to do with it.  Silly Kane, you don’t chokeslam the Stacy until afterwards.  Val is still recovering from the painful towel snap and he falls victim to the chokeslam.  Kane wins.

Here’s the WWE Hall of Fame Induction Dinner.  Hey!  Where’s Pete Rose?  Or IRS?  Where’s Sid’s Induction?

(ads.  Hey!  Here’s an ad for WWE action figures!  My favorite part is when the kid chants you sold out at them and then makes them both job to his Vince McMahon in a Red Sport Coat.)

Hey, Maybe Brock should try out for the XF…oh…wait…Nevermind.

If Brock thinks that his steroid use, lack of applicable skills and ego are going to fly in the NFL, he’s got anoth…are we sure he hasn’t been playing in the NFL all this time?

My Darling Stacy v. Jackie Gayda

Jackie works the CHINLOCK~! when they are suddenly interrupted by….

Rhyno v. Tajiri
Smackdown Challenge

Which is interrupted by Vince McMahon.

VM:  We don’t need your kind here!  Anyway, I was just thinking, WrestleMania XX was “Where it all begins again” right?  Well, what if we begin something again?  Like ECW or WCW?  Wouldn’t that be totally awesome?  PSYCHE!  HAHAHAHA!  Got you!  Actually, I was thinking that since Smackdown apparently got all the crybabies when we did the draft a while back, I’m going to try to split them all up so that we can have crybabies on BOTH the rosters.  And some on Heat and Velocity too!  Don’t worry, you’ll still see all your favorite stars like HHH and Big Show, and Funaki STILL won’t be on Smackdown, but I just think it’d be neat if we made things REALLY confusing for a few weeks.  How do all those Edge goes to RAW rumors look NOW, bitches?  I don’t care if you’re Steve Austin or Eric Bischoff or Interviewer Guy or Paul Heyman or even McMahons you’re all going in the fricking lottery.  I just think it’ll be hilarious to see the looks on all your faces when RAW drafts Jamie Knoble first.  Or when Eddie Guerrero and HHH wind up on the same show.  To quote a guy who is way better than Brock Lesnar, how do you like me now?  You guys all suck suck SUCK!  Man, I’m goin’ crazy and EVERYONE MUST GO!  Maybe I can throw some TNA guys in there too since that place will be going out of business any time now.  Hahahahahaha…

Damn.  Don’t tell me they’re going to move some of those Smackdown bitches over here.  Oh that’s gonna suck.  I don’t even have any good jokes for them.  Woah.  What if Kane ends up on Smackdown?  I could be stuck with a perpetual lack of More Kane FOREVER!  I dunno.  I just hope nobody gets Funaki again.  That can be his new gimmick.  Nobody wants Funaki.  What if they get rid of My Darling Stacy?  Put me on Smackdown?  Yipes!

(ads)

HHH is backstage with Bischoff.

HHH:  Could you just make sure that Orton ends up not on RAW.
EB:  It’s a lottery, Hunter.  You and I might not even end up on RAW.
HHH:  Oh, I will.  Vince will do what I say.
EB:  Well, I’m just curious who will get the future rights to Shane’s Kid.  
HHH:  I don’t mind Flair, and Batista is alright in a big goofy kind of way, but that Orton gets on my nerves.  I want him someplace away from me.
RO:  What are we talking about?  The lottery?
HHH:  No.  Go away.
RO:  Why?  It’s not like you care about EVOLUtion.
HHH:  Crap.  I knew I should have gotten rid of you for Jindrak.  If it weren’t for you I’d still be an active member in the Institution.
RO:  The doctors weren’t supposed to talk about that!  AAAAAAAAAAH!
HHH:  How’s your penguin?
RO:   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

The Dudley Boyz v. Rob Van Dam and Booker T
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

RVD fights the man this week by not sweating from his ass.  Nice work, Rob.  The announcers spend the entire match arguing about what the Dudleyz would be like if they were separated.  Well, it would certainly mean better times for the Reverend D-Von Building Fund.  Maybe he can get Batista to wear it as a necklace again.  Then they argue about what it would be like if they were split up.  Well, if it means the return of Howler Monkey I’m all for it.  Hey, which team is heels?

(ads)

ADS?!  I was trying to get into this hot match.  Geez, they’re gonna have to split up at least one tag team.  Can I start my own brand and draft the entire nWo?  I think that’d be neato.  I’m pretty sure I’d run a pretty tight ship.  Remember what I was saying about getting into this hot match?  For get it.  I’d rather talk about the lottery.  I hear it’s up to $112 million and Kane now.  Wait…if the GMs are in the lottery, who’s running the show?  What happens if Bischoff and Heyman end up on the same show?  Does Ultimo Dragon get to run RAW?  Who will get Goldberg?  What do you mean “No”?  Did Booker and RVD win?  Good.  I was afraid they were going to split up this veteran tag team.

Here’s a WrestleMania highlight video.  Hey!  Where’s Papa Shango?

(ads)

Spike Dudley v. His Sense of Self Worth

Chris Tian hits Spike and then Trish beats him up.  Spike’s Sense of Self Worth loses!  Thanks for coming out tonight!  Chris Tian grabs the mic.

CT:  I bet you didn’t see this coming!  Trish and I are having SEX!
TS:  Yeah!  SHOCKING SWERVE~!
CT:  You’re all probably wondering, “Why Chris and Trish? Why?”
Crowd:  NO!
CT:  Well we’re going to tell you!
TS:  Christian, like, totally told me that Jericho has a small penis.
CT:  Totally.
TS:  Plus, Christian promised me a nickel!
CT:  Plus, Trish is into guys who wear fruity shirts.
TS:  And Christian’s shirts are the fruitiest.
CT:  You know what?  None of this angle makes sense.
TS:  But now I’m, like, totally a heel, so that means I don’t have to do public appearences anymore.
CT:  Yeah!  Screw you Kansas City on-sale!

Backstage, it’s La Resistance!

MSG:  I’m the Memory of Sylvan Grenier haunting you from beyond the grave!
RC:  We already know that MSG!
RD:  MSG?  That’s where WrestleMania was!
MSG:  That’s right.  Ooooooooo!
RC:  Rene, I think Fifi The RAW Satire Poodle is more over than us.
RD:  Well, how do you suppose we should fix that?
RC:  I dunno.  You could try to beat up Steve Austin.
RD:  That’d kick ass.  I’m going to go do that.

Dupree wanders off.

MSG:  He’s going to get his ass kicked.
RC:  At least it’s not us.
MSG:  I’m incorporeal.  You can’t see me.
RC:  Sylvan, get out from under that blanket.
SG:  No.

(ads)

Rene runs out and tells Steve Austin that he is going to get his ass kicked.  Austin drives out on the Power Wheels of Xtreme Justice and Stunners Rene and then lets the beer guy throw beers at his face.  La Resistance is SO going over in this feud!

Evolution (w/ Triple H) v. Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate

Chris Benoit is from Atlanta?  What does this mean?  Will he start doing the Dirty Bird when he wins?  WCW is coming back (OMG~!)?  That nobody likes Canada and Benoit is supposed to be a face?  That Atlanta is part of Edmonton?  Benoit points out the nameplate on the World Title to Triple H.  It says “WTF OMG I’m The World Champion~!”  Flair grabs Shawn and Shawn’s forehead explodes.  Dave Davidson also wears a Crimson Mask.  I think he stole it from Rey.  Mick Foley runs down to the ring and starts beating up Orton.  Mick is a sore loser.  Meanwhile, HHH takes off his sling and hits a PEDIGREE TO MICHAELS AND BENOIT!  He never touched Stephanie’s boobies at all!  SHOCKING SWERVE~!!  Benoit stands up and Flair begs off.  Suddenly, Shawn Michaels kips up and Superkicks Flair giving Benoit the win.  Benoit wins again?  What the hell kind of stupid messed up world is this?  Benoit puts on his eyepatch and orders us to set sail for fun and does the dirty bird as the show draws to a close.

Next Week:  Chris Benoit loses the World Title to NFL Superstar Brock Lesnar.  The WWE Lottery rocks the company to its foundation when everybody winds up exactly where they were in the first place.  The jig is up when the Smackdown locker room invades RAW and starts complaining about getting held down by HHH.

A lottery, eh?  ALL MY MONEY ON RIKISHI GOING FIRST!!  See you next week!

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

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