by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

PEDIGREE TO ORTON

CJ:  This is going to be an interesting month.
EB:  HHH had a great idea for a skit for you later.
CJ:  Ugh….
RVD:  Did somebody say Skit….
EB:  NO.

Last Week:  Some of the stuff that happened up there happened then.  Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate found out he’d have to defend the Dance Dance World Title against Shawn Michaels, but there’s a catch…BENOIT CAN’T DANCE!  OH NO!  And some draft thing happened…then I shut the window, now it’s nice and cozy, but will it stay that way…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

Evolution walks out to ringside.  “Dave” Batista “Davidson” is practically beeming with excitement at the prospect of learning to fish with HHH.  Flair looks crazy.  Orton is trying very hard not to spit out his Plain Vanilla ice cream as he weeps at getting Pedigreed once again. 

RF:  WOO!  That’s right!  We’re back in business now.  I took the honor of taking Chris Jericho’s old lady on a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY WOO after I found out that the Game was coming back to RAW!
DBD:  Now I can learn to go fishing, right RIC?!
RF:  That’s right, big guy.  That’s right.  On a lesser note, Randy WOO BY GOD ORTON has something to say.
RO:  My tonsils hurt, Ric.  I don’t wanna.
RF:  Boy!  If you don’t want to talk, you’re out of Getaflushot.
RO:  What?
DBD:  He said you’ll get kicked out of AIRPOLUTION!
RO:  You guys are such kiss asses.
RF:  Whether you like it or you don’t, learn to live with it, because Stay of Execution is the BEST THING GOIN’ TODAY!  WOO!
RO:  Right.  Right.  Listen, I just wanted to say before my voi…excuse me…before my voice gives out that I still don’t like Mick Foley.

That’s his cue!  Foley walks out onto the ramp.

MF:  What was that?
RO:  I said I donght…ehem  EHEM…I don’t like you, Micht.  *cough*
MF:  Who’s Micht?  Come on, Randy.  Speak English.
RF:  Yeah WOO!  Speak by god, JET FLYIN’ WOO LIMO RIDIN’ WHEELIN’ AND A’DEALIN’ BY GOD ENGLISH, FAT BOY!  WOOOO!
DBD:  I don’t not think that Randy knows how to speak the ENGLISH!
RO:  You guys are ta…you guys are taking his si…his si…errrRRRM!!
MF:  Come on, spit it out, kid.  We don’t have all night.  We have at least three maybe four more HHH segments to go through.
RO:  I sa…I si…ACHEM…I said you guys are taking his sigh?
MF:  Oh no!  I’ve lost my sigh!  Now I’ll never wrestle again!

Tell me a lie.  Say that you won’t go.

RO:  NO!  What I’m trying to say is that Evolution is taking Mic…Mit…MICK FOLEY’S SIDE!
RF:  Well, how does that make YOU feel Randy.
RO:  It ma…me…aaa…

Orton throws down his mic and runs away.  Foley, Flair and Batista  high five.  Foley/Orton Debate Meet:  ONLY AT Matt Hocking Presents WWE Presents RAW Presents Eric Bischoff Presents Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake….

Meanwhile, Backstage.

SG:  I cannot believe it!  Jeff Jarrett wants to join La Resistance?
GC:  I’m not actually Jeff Jarrett.  I’m an inferior clone.  They tried to accelerate my growth so that I could play his twin brother Geoff…you know G, E, O, Double F, J, A, Double R, E, Double T.  But that didn’t have the same kind of cadence, so they caled me “Cade” told me to pick “Whatever the hell first name I wanted” and used Road Dogg instead.
RC:  And you chose “Garrison”?
GC:  No.  I chose “Lance”, but the suits told me that “Lance” wasn’t marketable.
LS:  Hey!
SG:  Hey, you know what’d be funny?  If Tajiri just kicked the crap out of whoever was the next person to come through that door.  What do you say Tajiri?
TJ:  Sounds delightful, chaps.
GC:  Say what?
TJ:  Oh, the accent?  Do you like it?  I think it’s fabulous!  What?  Did you think all Regal and I did was piss in each other’s tea all day?  Boys, boys, boys.  You should mind your manners a bit more often.  Just because somebody’s foreign doesn’t mean he doesn’t know English.
GC:  He’s almost as good as moi!

The door opens and Tajiri kicks them right in the head.

BH:  Ow…Ow…damn…things are getting kind of fuzzy again.  I KNEW I shouldn’t have come back to the WWE.  Damn.  I’m never coming back here again!

He runs off.

LS:  What the HELL, dude?!
TJ:  How was I supposed to know it’d be Bret Hart?  I mean…damn.
SG:  Oh crap!  Somebody’s coming!  Bret dropped his towel!  Oh no! 
RC:  Uh…We’ve got bigger problems.  This is all on fricking TV, DUDE!
SG:  Shut up, shut up, shut up!  I’m tryin’ to think!  Tajiri!  Mist the next dude that comes through the door, then we’ll just…hide the evidence that it was us that scared Bret off…yeah…
TJ:  Oh, no!  You saw what happened the LAST time….
LS:  Just do it!  Just do it!   Here he comes!
TEJ:  Hey, have you guys seen Bre….

Tajiri sprays the mist.

TEJ:  OW!  WAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie runs off in tears.

RC:  Turquoise Mist?  What does that even do?
TJ:  It…uh…well, it makes you cry.
GC:  Damn.  She won’t come down from that for DAYS.

Coach pokes his head out from the closet.

JC:  I saw the whole thing!  Wait until Eric Bischoff hears about this!
GC:  What were you doing in there, dude?
JC:  Uh…I was…nothing…just…I thought this was the women’s locker room.
TJ:  You’re not telling anybody ANYTHING!  PFFFT

Tajiri mists again, Coach runs out.

LS:  Yeah!  Brown mist!
TJ:  Nah, that was just Pepsi.  We’re screwed, gentlemen.
SG:  We’re screwed?  More like YOU’RE screwed, uh-huh-huh!
RC:  Yeah!  Have fun tonight Tajiri!

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Nidia v. Molly Holly

Hmmm…you’re going to have to give me time to come up with good material for Nidia.  Or see if I care enough to do it.  So for the time being, just imagine a bald chick with boobs fighting a tan chick with far too big boobs, and you’ve pretty much got this match in a nutshell.  This would actually make for some quality porn.  An obviously dyke chick who is proficient with her moves and way too tan spring break girl who’s either really stupid or really drunk but probably both.  Quality stuff.  Not quite up to the standards I set for myself with “Caesar’s Gaulic Whores”, but I’m working up from the bottom now.  Nidia wins.  Molly Holly is the new Jamie Knoble.  But with better hair.

Bischoff is backstage with Johnny Cage.

JC:  I don’t want to be Johnny Cage anymore.  People always confuse me for Coach.  Plus, somebody hit me with a Friendship, and now I’m writing Pen Pal letters to 2 Cold Scorpio in hell.  How do you spell “Beelzebub Lane”?
EB:  L-A-N-E.
JC:  Thanks.  That was a tough one.
EB:  So what…are you going back to “Johnny Hnnrnnr”?
JC:  Nah…how about…Big John Studd?
EB:  No.
JC:  John “It’s Pronounced Like the Beer” Hennigan?
EB:  Nah.
JC:  Johnny Goesover?
EB:  I doubt it.
JC:  Hmmmm…
EB:  So, what do you think I should do with Edge?
JC:  Well, who attacked him leading to him missing a year of action?
EB:  I dunno.  Probably, like, Funaki or something.
MH:  It was me!
JC:  Well, you can’t use Funaki…who else we got?
MH:  I did it!
EB:  Well, Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake could use a bit more…dare I say…Kane?
MH:  How about the VeeeeOnnnneah?!
JC:  Oh, you dare!  You dare!
MH:  Awww…dammit.

(ads)

The Hurricane v. The Mountie

Will not be seen tonight, so we can bring you this special HHH announcement.

HHH:  Wow.  It’s good to be back!  It’s like I never left this place.  Sure there’s a few new faces to hold down, but it’s nice to see RAW is basically the same show.  Except that some bastard stole Fifi The RAW Satire Poodle.  Listen, I know you guys wanted to see me on Smackdown, and honestly, I did too at first.  But then I got to thinkin’, what would you guys do without my promos about nothing every week?  Huh?  So, anyway, I will now list what I had for lunch today in alphabetical order:  Apple.  Carrot sticks.  Chocolate pudding.  Hot Pockets.  Jell….

Bischoff is out.

EB:  Listen, Hunter, that’s enough.
HHH:  What…are you trying to tell me that you don’t care whether or not I’m eating a healthy well balanced diet?
EB: Uh, yeah…I just thought that you’d rather I made the big announcement that I’m adding YOU HHH to the big Dance off for the WWE Dance Dance World Title at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake.
HHH:  Uh…I’m flattered, Eric, but I don’t know how to dance.
EB:  That’s ok.  Just have Stephanie sleep with the judges.  And tape it.
HHH:  Yeah!  Yeah!  I like that!  It might help me win if I use it to black mail them too.  That’s great.  Thanks, Eric.

(ads)

Backstage with Evolution huddled around a computer screen….

RF:  WOO!  It’s great having you back HHH!
DBD:  You’re teaching me to FISH!
HHH:  Yes, I am, Dave.  Yes I am.
RO:  never…tat…m…tifish.
HHH:  Quiet down over there, loud mouth.  Ok, Dave, now you move around.  Good.  Now, what are you going to do?
DBD:  Eat the PLANKTON!?
HHH:  That’s right!  Eat the plankton!
DBD:  Oh no!  I’ve been eaten by an OSPREY!
HHH:  Well, that’s the trouble of being a fish in Odell Lake, Dave.
DBD:  :(
RF:  AH!!
HHH:  Don’t let it get you down, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
DBD:  You’re great HUNTER!
HHH:  I know.  I know.
RO:  I…ht…you…stuvd…moth..fkr…
HHH:  What was that?
RO:  nothing.
SB:  Yo!  I’ve gotta get on there, man!  I’ve got a hot girl comin’ over to check out my high score on the Lemonade Stand, man.
HHH:  Go to hell.
SB:  Come on dude, don’t be such a cock block.
RF:  To be the man, WOO!  You’ve got to beat the man!
SB:  Maybe I will.
HHH:  Huh?  What were you rambling about, Flair?
RF:  Fire me?  I’m already fired!  WOO!

Lance Storm is out.

LS:  Ok.  You see, this is the thing.  I’m hoping REAL hard right now they bring ECW back, because that stupid segment I was in, and that crack about me, that’s just not flying with me, sister.  At least with Heyman I was doing something interesting.  Here, I don’t even know what the hell happened to the rest of mes.  I’m guessing they’re probably wasting away in OVW.  Let’s do the chant!  E-C-Dub…E-C-Dub!

Rhyno v. Lance Storm

Rhyno gores Lance and wins.  Then he screams “DEAD DEAD DEAD!  You hear me you son of a bitch?!  At least HERE we get PAID!  AARRRGH!” and then he runs off.

Back in Bischoff’s office.

EB:  Coach?  What the hell happened to you?
JC:  I got misted by Tajiri.
EB:  I know, I was actually watching the show.  But he hit you with the Pepsi mist.
JC:  Oh.  Yeah.  Then I well…I rubbed my face in the green frosting on the “Welcome Back HHH” cake.  Sorry.
EB:  Don’t worry about it, man, we’ve ALL been there at one time or another.
JC:  So, what are we going to do about this Tajiri situation?
EB:  I dunno…how about a little more…KANE!
JC:  Is that your response to everything?
EB:  Austin/Bradshaw v. the nWo?
JC:  Kane’s good.  Yeah.

(ads)

Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit, Mighty Pirate
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles with Guest Referee Johnny Goesover

I’m sorry, thank you for the correction, Lillian….

Kevin Test and Dave Davetista Davidson v. Shane McMichaels and Chris Jericho
For the WWE World…with Special Guest Referee John Denver the Last Dinosaur

Wait…no…the first one.

Johnny actually calls the match straight down the middle, before leaning slightly towards the team on the right.  Fascist!  Wait, now he’s going left!  Commie!  Wait, now he’s fallen over.  ORTON LOVER!  Michaels prances around the ring while Benoit looks on frowning.  He’s got stiff competition at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake, and only a few more weeks before the ball!  He’d better get practicin’.  Batista practices a technique learned fishing with HHH and nails Benoit over the head with a beer cooler.  You know what?  We’re just going to let this one sit awhile.

(ads)

J.R. notes that Johnny’s middle name is Monday.  Johnny Monday Goesover?  I don’t get it.  Shawn hits the Sweet Groove Dance Move on Flair and Benoit and Michaels are the NEW WWE World…But wait, it’s all a SHOCKING SWERVE~!  It turns out that the match hadn’t started this whole time.  Benoit takes issue with the refereeing, which is clearly a violation of the rules, and Benoit and Michaels lose.  Benoit threatens to cut through Johnny Goesover.  Arr!

Shelton Benjamin is backstage with Bischoff and Austin.

SB:  I want to fight HHH.
EB:  Ok, whatever kid.  You’re gonna JOB, dude.  Forget about it.
SB:  Yeah, you’re probably right.
SA:  EH EH!  I don’t think so!  You’re gonna fight HHH and you’re gonna like it.
SB:  Gee, who to listen to…the guy who hits his girlfriend or the guy who sleeps with other men’s wives.
EB:  Austin did that too.  What a bad man he is.  Bad man!
SB:  Man, Stone Cold, you’re so gangsta it’s cool.  Come on, man, I got this honey coming over to check out my high score on Lemonade Stand on the II.  When she shows up, we can super kick her.
SA:  Hell yeah, son.  Let’s go.

(ads)

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus…

CJ:  This was the grand plan, huh?  I don’t see how it sucks.  I mean, it fits with my storyline, she’s hot, I’m hot.  Whatever, Hunter.  Ok.  Trish.  How does it feel to be a disgusting ho?
TS:  Gee.  I don’t know the answer to that one.
CJ:  Uh…aren’t you angry…or offended or something?
TS:  Uh…like…whatever, dude.
CJ:  Hmm…right…How would you feel if I told you I was going to beat up Chris Tian and then have my way with you?
TS:  Psst…Chris…what does this word say?
CJ:  You brought note cards?
TS:  Yeah…for if I get stuck.  You know…some good one liners.
CJ:  Uh…that says…You know, I don’t think you should use that one.
TS:  I think you’re a viscous coont!  You’re a real coont, Jericho!
CJ:  Hehehe…it’s funny with an accent.
TS:  Wait…I know what that word means, and I’m offended.  I’m going to send these heel acting tips right back to HHH.
CJ:  Jericho wins!

OMG ACTING~!

(ads)

Trish throws the cards at Chris Tian backstage.

CT:  What?
TS:  Why didn’t you tell me that HHH’s stupid acting cards were full of swears?
CT:  I…uh…thought you knew?
TS:  If I would have said it without my zany accent I could have gotten fired!
CT:  Better you than me, baby.
TS:  WHAT?!
CT:  Nothing.  You know what?  I wish I would have been traded to Smackdown.  I could have formed a tag team with Big Show.  The Bastard Brothers.  What do you think?
TS:  Catchphrase Status:  Still not over.

Kane v. Tajiri

Tajiri uses the Burnt Umber Mist.  That is the mist that causes a count-out.  Tajiri wins.  Kane gets confused so he lights Lillian Garcia on fire.  Thanks for all the info earlier, Lil, but I’ll take it from here.  Edge Tian runs out and spears Kane.  They’re feuding, you know.  You didn’t?  Go back to the start and read CLOSER now.

(ads)

You know what I was wondering?  Where’s A-Train at, dude?

Chris Benoit has removed his eyepatch and scabbard.

SB:  Damn, that bitch can cry.
CB:  You tried to hook up with Tough Enough Jessie, huh?
SB:  She cried because I beat her high score at Lemonade Stand.
CB:  Hey, Shelton, you’re black, right?
SB:  Yeah, last time I checked.  Why?
CB:  You’ve got rhythm and funk then, right?
SB:  I guess so.  What does this have to do with anything?
CB:  I’m in a big dance off next month, and I need your help.  We’ve only got a few weeks to prepare.  I’m counting on you!
SB:  You want me to help you learn to dance?
CB:  That’s right.  Instead of the rabid wolverine, I’ll be Chris Benoit, Dance Machine.  I’ll be Julia Styles and you be Sean Patrick Thomas, teach me to dance!
SB:  Well…ok…but do you HAVE to wear the wig?
CB:  It helps me get into character.
SB:  Man…why do I have to do this?  Can’t you get somebody else to help you?
CB:  The last guy didn’t pan out.
MM:  AHAHA!  Ok, Daniel-San.  Wax on.  Wax off.  You’ll learn Karate yet!
CB:  Shut up, dude!  I told you, I wanted dance lessons, not Karate!
MM:  Karate is like the dance of the lotus flower on the dewy meadow.
SB:  I wonder if I just started showing up on Smackdown again if anybody’d notice.
RVD:  You could dress like me, and I could dress like you.  It’d be a wacky crossover fraught with hilarity.

Bischoff comes in and chases away Mr. Miagi and RVD with a broom.

Ric Flair is backstage telling HHH to go out there and do what he does best, hold them down.

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin v. Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

Shelton works the CHINLOCKS~! to start and HHH can’t find a way to counter them.  Flair tries to get involved, but he’s distracted by the appearance of Chris Benoit in a pink sequin glitter cape, bright orange shoes and a neon green sequin jumpsuit.  He is STYLIN’!  So stylin’ that we’re just going to go to the….

(ads)

Whew.  Needed to catch a breather.  Too much style.  Speaking of style, Shelton is absolutely outclassing HHH in the ring by showcasing the talents he learned on Smackdown (namely “not being held down”).  HHH wasn’t ready for this tactic.  HHH goes for the High Knee, but his quad explodes and he falls over.  Orton’s revenge!  HHH gets up, and starts to tough out the injury when he suddenly spots Benoit at the top of the stage pirouetting and wearing a blonde wig.  HHH is so shocked he hardly notices that he just lost to Shelton Friggin’ Benjamin.  WTF dude?  You’re losing it.

Next Week:  Training Montages!  Training Montages!  Training Montages!  A-Train makes his RAW redebut in the background of some segment eating fries.  Kane/Edge who will speak first?

Until next time, keep cool.  Or warm.  Or whatever.  Just keep.

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

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