by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  Eugene made his long awaited debut and immediately became the darling of the Internet.  Nobody missed Terri.  The build-up to the greatest rematch of ALL TIME continued when Rosey beat Slam Shady on HEAT!  Will Rosey beat some guy again?  Find out...TONIGHT!

Eric Bischoff and Johnny “Smoochy Pants” Nitro are backstage with Shelton Benjamin.  Hey!  Smoochy Pants still has Batrice!  Unhand her, foul knave! 

EB:  What the hell are you rambling about?
SB:  And I…uh…I have a kitten…and it…likes…things…damn…this crap is harder than I thought.
EB:  You’re not still loopy from all that blood you lost are you?
SB:  No…no…it’s not that.  It was just something I heard somewhere.  Never mind.
JN:  Hey, Eric!  Foley said he was coming back for his bat, but I’ve had it all week!  I’ve been letting the Johnny Nitro Girls take turns whacking Mean Gene with it.
EB:  That’s a pretty fruity excuse for a bat.  The baseball would just get stuck.

Enter Shawn Michaels, Chris Benoit, and Mick Foley….

MF:  Batrice!  I’m sorry I lost you, baby!  I’ll never lose you aga…DAMMIT!  It’s stuck to my shirt again.  I’m gonna go get some scissors.

Foley leaves.

EB:  What the hell?
SM:  I dunno, but now that we’re all here, I’d like to tell you all about the true meaning of Easter….
Everyone but Shawn:  *Groan*
SM:  What?
CB:  I bet the crowd right here in my home town of PITTSBURGH can’t wait to see me and Shelton dance tonight!
EB:  Dude, we’re in CHICAGO.  The cheap pop doesn’t work if you call out the wrong city.
JN:  Damn, brother.  “Save the Last Dance” even takes place in Chicago.  And you call yourself Julia Styles...Nuh-uh!  Um…not that…I’d know anything about that.
SB:  So, one time I was standing around backstage with Charlie Haas and he asked me to…um…do his hair?  And I…uh…I said “No Charlie, I won’t do your hair.” 
Because…um…I…didn’t want to do it?  And…he…he…umm….
SM:  Just give it up, man.  You’ll never ramble like he does.
SB:  Dammit!

Mick Foley is out in the ring now.

MF:  $100…$100 if anybody has a scissors in their purse.  Yes there, you ma'am in the Elephant costume…Wait, wait.  Never mind.  I got it.  Anyway, on to my ongoing feud with Randy Orton.  You know something, Randy?  I can’t fight you like this at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake.  I’m a fricking mess.  But I know someone who CAN fight you like this!  That’s right, the sickest!  Most twisted!  EVILEST guy in the entire sport of professional wrestling!  So, Sunday Night, at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake, in our big match, the greatest main event in the history of main events, I’m coming back…as Captain Jack Foley!!  The amnesiac swarthy sea captain that fills the mean streets of Cleveland, Ohio with DREAD!!  Now…All I need to do to bring out the most hardcore of my personalities is drop myself on my head.  HEEAAARG

Foley throws himself over the top rope.  But he lands right on top of Randy Orton’s head as Orton wandered out from the crowd.

RO:  Ow!  My brain again!
MF:  Dammit, Randy!  Get out of my way!  I’m trying to strike terror here!
RO:  Mommy? 
MF:  Oh, great…And here I thought I was the pathetic one.
RO:  Captain Jack?  It’s me!  Your first mate, Timmy!
MF:  Timmy?
RO:  Let’s go sail the seven seas, again, Captain Jack!  I have the paddleboat all loaded up.
MF:  Oh, what the hell.  I didn’t want to wrestle anymore anyway.  Let’s go, kiddo. 

Orton and Foley leave to go get their paddleboat ready to set sail.

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Kane v. Grand Master Sexay

Woah.  What?!

Kane v. Grand Master Sexay

Uh…ok then.  You know what this means?  NWA-TNA IS DOOMED!  That’s right!  You heard me…uh…Abyss!  Your days of trying to dish out some mediocre attempts at being “More Kane for Wednesday” nights are over! J.R. mutters something about how if HE was still in charge of talent relations this never would have happened.  Lawler says that he’s happy to report that he’s holding onto his son’s crack for tonight so that he doesn’t get arrested and fired again tonight.  Kane kills Sexay.  Well…he had a good run.  Maybe Bischoff can trade the body to Smackdown for Mark Jindrak just to piss off Teddy Long. 

Trish Stratus is backstage with Jan The Make-Up Lady, who is no Tough Enough Jessie when it comes to acting.

TS:  I can’t believe I actually have to WRESTLE!  Don’t they know I’m the hottest babe in sports according to some stupid poll?
JtML:  I’m just the make-up lady.  I don’t care.
TS:  JtML?  OMG LOL!  You’re an internet language!
EG:  I believe you mean Html, as in Triple “H” more like Triple SUCKS!  Hehehehe…I give that joke ***1/2 stars.  It was there.
TS:  What the hell are you talking about?
EG:  I’m talking about how I’d like to tell you about how much I respect your moveset.
TS:  My huh?
EG:  I believe the Divas are beautiful creatures who should be given more TV time to have high quality matches.
TS:  Thanks…I guess.
EG:  Ah!  Excellent!  Now we shall copulate our relationship as is the custom on wrestling shows.
TS:  You…EW!  Do you know who I am?
EG:  Yes!  I have downloaded to your wet T-shirt video on many occasions.  I must say, you’re no DUD!
TS:  Ick!
WR:  Sorry about that, my good lady.  Eugene is…a bit different than normal folks.
EG:  Don’t say that or you’ll get banned in the U.K.!
TS:  LOL!
EG:  El Oh El indeed.  Call me!

Regal drags Eugene away from Trish.  Chris Tian walks over.

CT:  What the hell was that about?
TS:  I think that was one of those “smarks”.
CT:  Ew.
TS:  Let’s make out.
CT:  I saw him touch you.  You smell like fries and Mountain Dew!  Go take a shower.
JtML:  You know, with a little make-up that boy could look like a young Louie Anderson.
CT:  JtML…LOL.

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Tajiri v. The Black Ninja (w/ Jonathan Coachman)

If Tajiri can beat the Black Ninja here, he gets to fight Coach on PPV!  The Black Ninja starts to attack, but Tajiri kicks him in the face and gets the pin.  Coach is sad.  Tajiri, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby pull off the Ninja’s mask to reveal…OLD MAN WINTERS!  He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

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RF:  AndthenI’mgonnaputontheWOOfigurefourleglockand….
EB:  Ok…damn.  You can have the match with Shelton.
RF:  WOO!  I’m gonna take his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY!
RVD:  Duuuude…Can I have a match at Crazy Go Nuts…mmmm…nuts.  Woah, I’ve got the munchies.
EB:  Go away, Rob.
RVD:  Where am I?
RO:  We’re going SAILING, Lt. Rob!  Pack up your fishing gear!  Captain Jack is going to sail us to the MOON!
RVD:  Woah!  Dude…All right.  Let’s go to the moon!
EB:  Yes.  Off you go.  Have fun on the moon you two.  Ugh…How the hell do I put up with this show?
RF:  Do you mind if I strip down to my boxer shorts and run around your office, stopping every few moments to knee drop this couch pillow pretending it’s Shelton Benjamin?
EB:  Uh…You know what?  Go nuts.  Man.  No wonder I had to take all that time off in WCW.  This business drives you NUTS!

Suddenly the Pillow jumps up and attacks Ric Flair!  It wasn’t a Pillow at all, but Shelton Benjamin in disguise!  Shelton beats the crap out of Flair until WWE RAW Referee Tag Team Champions Earl Hebner and Mike Chioda break it up.

EB:  THAT’S the best security help I can get?

Here’s a prerecorded promo with HHH.

HHH:  Hey?  I’ve got a match at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake?  No kidding?  With who?  Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels?  Woah.  All right.  Hey, Michaels…Benoit…You guys are in trouble.  Our match at WrestleMania may have been the best triple threat match at that Wrestlemania, but I AM THE GAME!  You know why I’m the GAME?!  Because I am THAT DAMN GOOD!  And Why am I That DAMN GOOD?!  Because I am THE GAME!  There’s no refuting THAT logic.  Now, let me tell you a little story of the time me and Nibblins discovered a smugglers cove and Stephanie was like, “Don’t forget a coat, there’s a chill in the air” and I was like Nibblin’s already got his coat equipped bitch, and who says “There’s a Chill in the air” anyway,” I mean geez, what a bitch I married huh, so then we….

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Chris Jericho is out for another edition of the Hightlight Reel.

CJ:  OMG!  I h8 ppl b/c no1 toks 2 a n00b!  NEways, DDP IMed me an tld me to tell u hez comin’ bck!  OMG!

The Jericho does 14 minutes of spontaneous breakdancing which pops the crowd.

CJ:  Now on to the matters at hand.  I’ve got a video from years past that will remind you all of what a DOG Trish Stratus is!

Trish Stratus is doing a photo shoot for WWE Divas Back Stage (coming soon to news stands near you) when she is interrupted by Chris Jericho and Christian who wonder if she wouldn't mind forming a stable of blonde Canadians with belts. Christian spoils the plan however when he recounts the time that Trish almost got pushed because she was totally almost sleeping with HHH, but then Stephanie caught them. Chris Jericho hits on Trish. Lawler finds some way to work "Hymen" into this segment.

Yeah.  What a bitch.  Wait…that doesn’t make any sense.  Jericho hits the TV and the time when Trish Stratus barked like a dog comes on.  This is what we have to look forward to with WWE 24/7!

Lita to get interviewed about who exactly is supposed to be the heel on Sunday when suddenly, Trish attacks her!  Then Trish gets on the mic!

TS:  That totally doesn’t count!
CJ:  What?
TS:  The dog barking thing!
CJ:  Why not?  You saw what happened!  You barked like a dog!  It was all right here on the Continuitron 5000!
TS:  No!  You see, I did that as part of the angle where I subjected myself to humiliation in order to help the old folks home entrapped Linda McMahon get revenge on her evil husband Vince, who at the time was feuding with their son Shane over who really owned WCW.  So showing that over and over and over again makes me the face in this dynamic.
CJ:  Really?  What the hell kind of writing is that?
TS:  I know, right?
LT:  Ow.

Bischoff runs out….

EB:  Everybody knock it off!  I’m out here to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show and it all starts with Trish v. Lita.  Right after these….

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Lita (w/ Chris Jericho) v. Trish Stratus (w/ Chris Tian)

The only thing I can tell you about this match is that you could see Lita’s thong.  Beyond that it was all a blur of blown spots and interference.  I know for sure that Trish worked the OMG CHINLOCK~! though.  I think Lita might have won by disqualification when Christian got mad that she wouldn’t have sex with him six months ago and showed her how to punch by hitting her in the face.  Jericho hits Christian with his new finisher the fearsome “Kinda Dropkick Thing,” but Trish helps Tian get control back and Jericho is left laid out.  Then Jericho breaks out the sweet dance moves again.  He should be in the main event!  But instead he’s going to be fighting these dorks.  Mourn for Jericho.  MOURN!

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La Resistance is backstage with RAW Reporter The Berzerker.

BZ:  HUSS!  HUSS!
SG:  Say what?
BZ:  HUSS!
RC:  I dunno what the hell he’s talking about.
SG:  Me neither, dude.  Maybe we should move back to France!
RC:  We’re not even FROM France.  You’re from Canada and I’m from Dick Johnson, Indiana.
SG:  Woah?  Is that why we’re being announced as being from Canada?
BZ:  HUSS!
RC:  No, dummy, we’re from Canada because that gives us massive heat.  Canadians are EVIL!
SG:  Well, what about Benoit and Jericho?
RC:  Totally not from Canada.
SG:  Oooooh.
EG:  Excuse me gentlemen, but I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed Mr. Conway’s work in Ohio Valley Wrestling.  I purchased all of the tapes on the Internet.
RC:  Wow.  Thanks, dude.
EG:  Yes, but now your simple style and terrible gimmicks no longer amuse me.  I hope to see you rot on Heat before your contracts are not renewed.
SG:  Why you little!
WR:  Ehem.  I’m terribly sorry gentlemen.  Let’s shuffle on off camera Eugene.
EG:  You haven’t heard the last of me!  I’m going to write a very unflattering Internet post and send an e-mail to the Torch about how I saw you two kicking dogs outside a Walmart when I get home!  You’ll see!

In the ring, Johnny “Where’s All Them Yaks, Tony?!” Nitro has something to say.

JN:  So far since you’ve returned, Edge, you’ve speared a few people and you’ve broken your hand.  Now I understand you’ve also lost the WWE Forcible Entry CD that had your theme one it.  I challenge you to a duel to defend the honor of my boss for drafting an idiot like you!

Edge Tian wanders out. 

EG:  So we’re doing this instead of the staring contest?
JN:  HOLY JESUS!  YOU CAN TALK!
EG:  That’s not all I can do…I CAN SIIIIIIIIIIING! 

EG:

Everybody always says,
Where the hell is Edge?
He’s not on Smackdown
Any Mooooooooooooore!
We’ll I’m here on RAW,
Better than you ever saw,
Where my matches and promos
Will be very pooooooooooor!

JN:

Hey there Edge,
Watch out for the Sledge,
Triple H wants you to job
They Saaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
I don’t know if you heard,
But I’ve gotten the word,
That your wife is a good
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Edge spears Nitro.  Way to break up the song there dumbass.

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The Hurricane and Suga Rosey v. La Resistance

AHHH!  Hurricane is NAKED!  I guess his new superpower is flashing his man tits at his opponents.  Well…worked for Janet Jackson.  J.R. and Lawler spend the entire match talking about whether or not Rosey bears a passing resemblance to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Donatello, if Donatello had invented a machine to make the Turtles all fatter to counter act Shredder’s new ray gun that turns physically fit people into skateboarding dinosaurs, which of course leads to King spending the next four segments talking about April O’Neil’s ass.  Eugene comes out to break up the hilarity by trying to give La Resistance tapes of Jushin “Thunder” Liger so that they can learn how to do the Flying Space Hydra Blue Thunder Megaton Moonwalk Triple Somersault Code Green Secret Ninja Flying Puma Pescado, which is sure to improve the WORKRATE~! of any match by at least 1.3%.  Regal comes and drags him away, and Hurricane gets the win.  The crowd doesn’t care because they just want to see the little guy do that flippy thing.

Shawn Michaels gets to do HIS taped interview!

SM:  Man, why are they calling this match “The Final Encounter”?  Everybody knows we’re going to be running this match at least eleven or twelve more times, right?  I mean, there’s NOTHING final about this encounter.  There’s nothing final about the encounter my penis had with your wife’s ass ALL NIGHT LONG either.  Oh yeah!  I’ve still got it.  Where are you going?  Don’t cry Tough Enough Jessie!  I didn’t mean it.  Excuse me folks, I’ve got to go.  Praise Jesus.

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You know Smackdown?  Why watch THAT crappy show when you can get the highlights RIGHT HERE?!  Booker T/RVD?  Pfft!  Nobody cares about those guys anyway, right?  Not HERE here, though.  I totally spaced out somewhere between the Bradshaw Promo and the Other Bradshaw Promo, and that pretty much did it for the night.

Geez…blah blah blah blah blah…Christ, you’d think they had a PPV coming up or something.

Here’s a Benoit promo!  EXCITING~!

CB:  Uh…I can’t dance.  Still.  I asked Shelton to help me, but he just taught me how to say “UGH!”  Oh, and he taught me how to cheat at the Lemonade Stand game.  Oh, man, I am so screwed.  Maybe If we run a montage later on in the show where I come home from my job as a steel welder and then go to my job as a stripper to earn money to support myself in these tough times, but then I get a chance at the Dance Dance World Title and I dance my ass off and impress the judges and they give me the title back and I celebrate a job well done, everything will be all right.  No, I did NOT just steal the plot of Flashdance.  Oh wait…yeah I did.  Hehehehe…I’m screwed.

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Mick Foley, Shelton Benjamin, Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit v. Triple H, Randy Orton, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Ric Flair

I guess Randy came to his senses and isn’t going to the moon with Mick after all.  I hate it when the WWE just drops angles like that.  I WAS WAITING FOR A CONCLUSION YOU KNOW!  Geez.  What jerks.  Flair and Benoit start chopping each other, then they move on to chopping carrots, then back to chopping each other.  Benoit tries to put the Sharpshooter on HHH, but the collective screams of 12 people screaming, “BRET HART BRET HART!  OMG HE’S COMING BACK~!” causes him to fall over!  Orton wins!  If he were the legal man.  Which he’s not.  He’s the illegal man.  “The Illegal Man” would make a great movie title.  This fall, thrill at the action of…The Illegal Man!  Harrison Ford stars as a down on his luck cop who is accused of a crime that he didn’t commit.  Now he must live the life of…The Illegal Man!  Everybody runs into the ring and kind of throws themselves at each other.  It’s time to take a break.

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Shelton Benjamin comes into the match and starts swinging at whatever he can swing at to try to get himself over, but HHH isn’t having any of that, so kicks Shelton in the Benjamins.  Orton makes Shawn fall over, but HHH isn’t having any of THAT either, so he nails the PEDIGREE TO ORTON to keep Randy in line.  Benoit is able to put an end to HHH’s tyrannical run by headbutting HHH’s quad, but Dave Davidson hits Benoit with an Osprey Bomb.  Foley runs in to help Benoit, but Batista is too tired to sell for Foley’s peppy offense, so he just kind of stands there until Foley gets tired too and they decide that they should both lay down and take a nap.  “It’s nappy TIME!”  Flair goes nuts and runs around the ring in circles trying to find somebody to chop, but when Shawn gets up, Flair get Super Kicked.  The ref tells Shawn that he has, like, 20 more minutes to fill, so Shawn gets on the mic and tells the crowd that if they liked what they saw here tonight, then they’ll really love “The Passion of  Curly.”  I heard that movie was anti-Shemite.  Orton can’t stand Three Stooges Jokes, so he stands up to complain, which is just the opening Shawn needed to hit the SUPERKICK TO ORTON and get the win.

Sunday:  It’s CRAZY GO NUTS action when Triple H takes on Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit in a Dance Dance World Title Dance-Off.  Find out who the New WWE Intercontinental Breakfast is after Muffins take on Bagels.  And important questions are answered.  Which ones?  You’ll have to tune in to find out!

E-MAIL MATT    
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