by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

This Month:  Chris Benoit continued to shock the World by remaining the WWE Dance Dance World Champion, unfortunately however, The World has been closed for months.  Chris Jericho seethed with bitter envy as Benoit got to move to the warmth and Southern comfort of Atlanta while he had to move to a barge in the Hudson River.  Kevin Garnett tried to advance to the second round of the King of the Ring tournament.  Will he be the next X-Pac or the next King Billy Gunn?  Find out…TONIGHT!

The WWE seriously needs some mood music for the start of their PPVs.  Like, ancient Tibetan yodeling or something.  Hey!  That could be an entrance theme some year.  Forget apocalyptic cars and cityscapes and giant meathooks.  Think thirty large yak, some monks, and a giant mountain range.  I swear, that’ll get over in Rhode Island.

Shelton Benjamin v. Ric Flair
In a Ric Flair Dresses in a Zany Outfit Match

Did you know that at the last RAW PPV, the opener was Mark Henry v. Booker T?  So before you start hating on this match, chew on THAT one for a while.  CHEW IT!  Whoa, holy crap!  MAVEN was on that PPV.  WTF?  Flair comes out dressed in an Easter Bunny outfit.  Benjamin tries to out wrestle Flair, but Ric hits him with the LOADED EASTER BASKET OF DOOM~! for two.  Flair hops around for 14 minutes.  Flair tries working into the Figure Four, but Benjamin counters by grabbing Flair’s junk and telling him that he won’t let go unless Flair releases the hold.  The crowd pops because that’s what Bret Hart would have done.  Then Flair chops Shelton and says “woo” for 12 minutes.  Benjamin gets his wind back but SHELTON NEVER HITS THE MOVE FROM THE TOP…wait…yeah he does.  Never mind.  Shelton wins with the Hart attack clothesline.

That New Guy asks Randy Orton how he feels about prawns.

RO:  How do I feel about prawns, Terri?  How do I FEEL ABOUT PRAWNS?!  I’ll tell you how I feel about Prawns.  Pretty DAMN BAD!  That’s how I feel about prawns.  Because yesterday is the past and today is the present and tomorrow is the past of a far different future where the world will be controlled by little PONG consoles with little legs that go “pew!  pew!” at you whenever you screw up!  And I screw up a lot! 
NG:  Well…how do you feel about Triple Naitch losing just a few minutes ago.
RO:  I don’t care about Shelton Benjamin beating Ric Flair.  All I care about is me.  I’m the Intercontinental Champion!
NG:  Really?
RO:  Yeah.  They gave me this nifty belt and everything.  But that’s not what’s important.  I don’t care about me.  All I care about is beating Mick Foley.  The Hardcore Legend.
NG:  But you just said….
RO:  I say a lot of things, Jim Bob.  Some of them make sense aaaaaand some of them don’t.  It’s really a crapshoot with Randy Orton.  I think that makes interviews exciting.
NG:  Well…thanks a bundle for this exclusive interview.
RO:  Interview?  Did I get the job?
NG:  Uh…yeah.  You’re going to GET THE JOB all right.
RO:  Hey!  Great!

Jonathan Coachman v. Tajiri
In a Coach Has a “Three Matches Per Year” Clause in His Contract Match

Tajiri starts things out by kicking Coach in the head like Goldberg on Bret Hart.  Coach and Tajiri trade comical gestures before Coach starts busting out his lucha libre action.  Tajiri breaks out his ECW “Nothin’ But Spinkicks” moveset, and suddenly I’m begging for Don Callis to run out and tell me to stay tuned for Rooooollerjam.  Hey, if ECW comes back do you think they could bring back Rockin’ Bowl?  No?  Damn.  In a move that makes Tough Enough Jessie cry, Tajiri spits Picante Mist all over Coach’s face.  This, of course, has the effect of making everyone in the arena break out into a random salsa dance.  Arriba!  They should have saved it for Summerslam, Eddie’s going to be sad he missed that.  Unfortunately, the Canadians in the crowd are weighted down by all their Canadian coins and excess Canadian bacon, so the dance kind of meanders to a slow crawl giving Garrison Cade the opportunity he needs to run out and hit Tajiri with The Stroke.  The crowd pops because the last guy to get hit with The Strok…no…wait…I’m not going there.  Coach wins.  Woah.  They’re finally giving Coach the push he’s worked so hard for! 

Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian and Trish Stratus
In a Loser Has to Dress Like a Moose Match

Jericho is announced as being “from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada by way of a Barge in the Hudson River, New York”.  I told you!  Chris Tian is announced as being “from the Island of Canada”.  Jericho gets beat on early on and the crowd pops because Bret Hart used to get beat on.  The tide quickly turns however, when Jericho starts trying to grab Trish’s boobies and ends up spanking her instead.  Then Chris Tian grabs a paddle from underneath the ring and starts spanking Jericho.  Then Judy Bagwell runs out and makes out with Madusa.  Then Tammy Sytch runs out and the crowd doesn’t know whether or not to chant “She’s a Crack Whore (clap clap clap clap clap)” or sing “Sunny Days are Here Again” because Bret Hart used to have sex with Sunny and Shawn Michaels called him on it and OMG BENOIT~!  Then Vince Russo runs out and apologizes for accidentally e-mailing the e-Fed results he stole for NWA-TNA to Stephanie, and Jericho pins Christian.  You know that would explain the following exchange from Heat:

the lights go dim and the DX theem hits as CRIS BENOTI!!111 made hiz apreance felt and the crowd pops crzy go nutz!!1111

CB:  tripel HHH!  i’m sick ov u and ur game!  u think u a reel man?  than proof it!  right here in my home town of mountreel algeria canada!  u stupdi n00b!
JR:  OMFG king!  benoit iz chaellenging hunter HHH!
JL:  (OT) a/s/l?
JR:  (OT) 54/m/OK Boomer Sonner!
JL:  (OT) got ne pix?

the lights go dim and teh wolvepack theem hitz az TEH GEM TRIPE HHUHNTER MAKEZ HIZ WAY TO THE WRING!

HHH:  i-uh like-uh-uh to-uh have-uh sex-uh with-uh stefani-uh
CB:  roffle, thats exactly like u lol
HHH:  dud, ur supposd 2 stay in chracter
CB (OT) srry, i’m new at bean champ
HHH:  (OT) itz kewl

That also explains why every episode of NWA-TNA ends with Raven murdering a sailor while screaming “whoz hradkor now jimmy v?  whoz ardkore?!”  Which, incidentally, is Raven’s finest bit of work.

Whoa.  Sorry to go so OT there, dudez.

Eugene is backstage riffling through the women’s underwear.

EG:  Hmmm…these are all far too small for a man of my portly stature.
GK:  Yikes!  What are you doing fondling our underwear?
EG:  Ah!  A GIRL!
GK:  Whatever!  Just get out of here.
EG:  I give this moment ************~! In honor of my favorite match, the Bret Hart/Ricky Steamboat Iron Man Match which I bought off a tape trader for $1500.  The quality of the video is pretty shoddy and I think at least 85% of the match is actually a Mantaur v. Berzerker match, but I still love it all the same.  Speaking of love, how may I get in your pants, I mean assist you, fine worker?
GK:  Um…go away?  Oh man, you got nacho cheese all over my panties.
EG:  I believe you mean “Nacho Cheez” and you won’t need your panties where I’m sure we’ll be going.
MH:  What the hell is going on here?
EG:  Ah…Molly Holly.  You are certainly the most attractive bald woman I’ve met today.  What say you and I go back to my parents basement and practice our CHINLOCK tilde exclamation point s on each other.
MH:  Say what now?
EG:  I want to put your pink slip on my pole.  I want to introduce my Singapore cane to your Paul Heyman, oh how I loathed that angle, I want to wrestle you in a 24/7 hardcore rules match, falls count anywhere in my pants!
MH:  Um…no.
WR:  Oh, God.  Terribly sorry.  Eugene, come along.  I bought you a fresh package of socks, why don’t you watch the Benoit video package again?
EG:  I find your humor at my expense to be disturbing.  I do not need to shed any of my manly juices toward Chris Benoit when I have these fine ladies to keep me company.
WR:  Oh, whatever.  So, Gail…you want to hoist my Union Jack, then?

Gail and Molly storm off.

WR:  I do believe they quite liked us, dear boy.
EG:  I’ve seen that look in a girl’s eye before.  We’d best run before the cops show.
WR:  Indeed.

Here’s some clips of Chris Benoit in his home town.  Edmonton sure is boring as hell.  No wonder he moved to Atlanta.  Though I bet that free health care sure looked nice when you BROKE YOUR NECK!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Poor Benoit.

Speaking of broken necks….

Lita v. Victoria
For the WWE Women’s Title

Lita spins around for a while.  Who is the heel in this match.  I’m actually kind of wishing they would have assigned ½ of the WWE Referee Tag Team Champions Earl Hebner to this match because then I would have someone to boo.  He screwed Bret, you know.  So did Vince.  And Shawn.  Man, I heard there were some wild orgies back in the day, but damn.  The crowd pops because they love Bret Hart Orgies.  The fans chant “We Want Puppies,” but Fifi the RAW Satire Poodle is a no good damned turncoat.  Though it was nice to see that she’s so heartbroken over her loss of control of the Satire that she’s going grey.  Bite me, Fifi!  Ow.  Now I’ve got to go get rabies shots.  Lita looks like she could use some rabies shots.  Damn, girl.  This whole mess is wrapped up nicely when Victoria becomes the first woman ever to successfully throw a halfway decent looking punch and picks up the win.  After the match Gail Kim and Molly Holly run out to find some security and end up deciding to beat up Lita and Victoria for wasting our time instead.  Thanks, girls.

Cactus Jack (w/ Batrice)  v. Randy Orton
In a Hardcore Rules Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

It’d have been cooler if Mick had come back as Cactuar Jack.  I don’t think Randy could have withstood 1000 Needles.  Foley swings Batrice around and Randy bails out.  Foley takes out Socko and Randy bails.  Foley runs around for a little bit and Randy bails.  Mick takes out a pit of thumb tacks and Randy uses them to tack To Do lists on Evolution’s Message Board.

MF:  What’s wrong, Randy?  We’re in a Hardcore Match on PPV!
RO:  Mick, do you ever get that…not so fresh feeling?
MF:  You mean, genital herpes?  Because I have a funny story about DDP and….
RO:  No, Mick, I mean…you know…When it’s that time of the month and….
MF:  Say no more, my friend.  I know what’s going through your mind.  It’s Pay Per View time, and you’re feeling dirty because you’re wasting card space and money that could be used for a better worker.
RO:  Yeah…am I bad, Mick?
MF:  Yes.  But think of the Dolla Dolla bill ya’ll.  You’re getting PAID!  And with that kind of money, you can buy all the friends to tell you how good you are you need!
RO:  You’re right!  Let’s have us a match.

Mick and Randy jump into the pit of thumb tacks and roll around for a while.  The crowd pops because Bret Hart was above using such gimmickry to get a match over.  But when Mick stands up Randy swings Batrice at his face and Mick Falls over.  ORTON WINS!  Poor, Mick.  At this rate he’ll be jobbing to the Osprey by Funforgiven.

Flair, “Dave” Batista “Davidson”, and HHH run out to give Randy a celebratory PEDIGREE TO ORTON, thoroughly ignoring the fact that “Don’t PEDIGREE ORTON” was on their to-do list.  For shame!  The New Guy runs out and asks HHH what he thinks of the triple threat match tonight.

HHH:  What do I think about my match, New Guy?  What do I THINK ABOUT MY MATCH?!  I’ll tell you what I think about my match.  It’s going to be that DAMN GOOD!  That’s what I think about my match.  Because I am The Game and I am That Damn Good and The Game is the best wrestler in the locker room where World Wrestling Entertainment is being controlled by little Pac Man consoles with little legs that go “mac!  mac!” at you whenever eat the pellets!  And I eat pellets a lot!
NG:  Did you just crib promo notes from Randy Orton?
HHH:  I’ve been busy.

La Resistance v. Suga Rosey and The Hurricane
In a “Filler” Match

Ah, the time honored “Filler” match.  These are truly the matches that will go down in history as the greatest matches of all time that nobody ever saw.  The crowd pops because Bret Hart used to be in filler matches.  I…uh…missed most of this one, but when I got back I came just in time to see Eugene run out and try to show Rosey the story that he printed out from yrustillwatchingwrestling.com which states that Rosey is going to get fired because he eats too much catering.  But once he gets into the ring he decides that he’d rather just hump the Quebecian flag.  Regal comes out to protect the interests of the Commonwealth, but by that time Hurricane has already won.

Earlier Today, Shawn Michaels arrived.  The crowd boos because that’s what Bret Hart used to do.

Kane v. Edge
In a “Edge Is Back!  He’s BACK!  WHY DON’T YOU CARE?!” Match

People not caring about Edge being back makes Tough Enough Jessie cry.  The crowd pops when Edge hits Earl Hebner, however, because Bret Hart would have loved to hit Earl Hebner.  Kane actually doesn’t get involved in the match until 13 minutes in, when his pyro goes off and lights Lillian Garcia on fire.  This match could have used a bit more Kane.  Edge hits Kane with his picture of the Cast of “Head of the Class”, which was supposed to be illegal by order of Johnny “Thunder” Nitro, but since Earl was too busy selling Edge’s painful blows while trying to cover up the fact that he was crying on the inside from these viscous Canadian verbal attacks, he isn’t DQ’d.  Then, Edge hits the Spear and the crowd boos because Goldberg Screwed Bret.  Edge wins.

Smackdown has PPVs now?  Huh.

Shawn Michaels v. Triple H v. Save the Last Dance for Chris Benoit
In A Dance-Off for the WWE Dance Dance World Title

Shawn is announced as “From HE SCREWED BRET~!”  Benoit is announced as being from “All of your hearts”.  JR makes sure to note that Benoit is the spawn of Canada’s genitals.  The crowd pops because Bret Hart is also the spawn of Canada’s genitals.  Shawn works a really nifty two step, but things quickly devolve into a match.  Damn.  I wanted to see Benoit bust a move.  Benoit hits a series of 37 Germans to HHH, who no sells them and grabs the mic and yells, “Angle!  If you even think about showing up on Smackdown next week with just a bandage on your head, I’m going to kick your ass, dude.  You shouldn’t expose the business!”  Shawn Michaels superkicks an old lady.

About 10 minutes in, everybody decides that they’re getting kind of tired, so they sit on the Spanish announce table and talk about which WWE Diva has the best ass.  The winner?  My Darling Stacy, of course, who will not be appearing on this PPV due to a court order against looking so damn fine in Canada.  That’s the reason they wouldn’t let me stay in Ottawa.  Also the reason Morgan Webb moved to California.  You know what else there’s a court order against in Canada?  Cocaine.  Which is why you won’t be seeing Grandmaster Sexay tonight.  HHH tries to capitalize on the lax attention of the others, but he ends up slipping on a bunch of bloody thumbtacks and knocking himself out.  Damn you ,Orton!

Shawn takes control of the match and goes for the Sharpshooter.  Evil Referee Earl Hebner runs out to call for the bell, but it’s a SHOCKING SWERVE~! because it’s actually Dave Hebner who has been locked up in a secret dungeon this whole time!  The crowd pops because Bret Hart also used to hang out in a Dungeon, and then pops even bigger when Dave Hebner takes off his pants to reveal Canadian Flag Underoos!  Lance Storm runs out and takes off his pants to show that he, too, is wearing Canadian Flag Underoos, but nobody notices.  Benoit puts Michaels in the Sharpshooter and Dave Hebner calls for the bell.  Hebner screwed Shawn!

Shawn stands up and spits on Howard Finkle and then makes the letters WCW in the air.  Meanwhile, Benoit does the cabbage patch.  OMG ******** Classic~!

Tomorrow Night:  We’re still in Canada, so expect to see more Benoit and less Sexay.  RVD will show up to ask directions to Vancouver.  And Randy Orton will finally be taken as a serious wrestler when he announces that he’s actually Bret Hart.

Thank you and Good night!

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.