by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian (w/ Trish Stratus)

Chris Jericho is announced as being from “Winipoo, Margerine, Canned food” which is pretty much correct.  Jericho runs around for a while and Tian is all tuckered out.  To fill time, Jericho grabs Trish’s ass.  Then her boobies.  Then they start dry humping in the corner.  OMG RAW IS PORN~!  Careful you don’t get AIDS, Chris! 

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When we come back Jericho and Christian are arguing about whether or not ass grabbing can be shown on TSN.  The crowd is pissed off because there are just WAY too many Canadians in this match.  Who are they supposed to boo?  Lawler?  Jericho hits the “Move that Shall Not Be Named.”  J.R. calls it the “Ace and Garry”.  Jericho stands over Tian’s fallen body.  Suddenly, Some Dude runs out and kicks Jericho and then falls over.  ORTON WINS!  They FINALLY found somebody to give Nathan Jones’ moveset to.  Now if only they can find a home for the last few Nathan Jones Bobble Head Dolls, they’d be set.  Trish is confuzzled as to whether or not she’s suddenly supposed to want to hump this new guy, but the beard scares her off.

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Tian and Trish are backstage with the new guy.  But not the New Guy Todd Grisham, but the New Guy Tyson Tomko.

CT:  He’s the answer to all our problems, Trish!
TS:  What problems?
CT:  Uh…ants in my pants?
TS:  So…This new guy is going to solve your pest control problems with a pump kick that makes him fall over.
CT:  Well, I already paid him five bucks.  I could have had FIVE women for the price I paid for this dude. 

Tyson nods and strokes his weird beard while Chris Tian shakes his head and Trish storms off.

Hey!  It’s Chris Benoit, out to serenade us!

CB:  They said I would never become World Champion, but I showed them when successfully defended my Dance Dance World Title last night at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake!  I wish Stu Hart were here, because then I could ask him for the five bucks he owed me.  Christian keeps asking me for five bucks for some reason, and I’d really love to help him out, but I don’t have enough money to get a decent haircut much less five bucks to give to some squirmy little kid who wants to get some action.  But damn, I’d feel bad if I asked…BRET HART…for the money.  I dunno.  Maybe he’ll float me a check for beating Shawn Michaels….

That’s Shawn’s cue as he comes prancing out.

SM:  You didn’t beat me!
CB:  Nyuh-huh!
SM:  Nuh-uh!
CB:  Nyuh-huh!
SM:  Nuh-uh!
CB:  Nyuh-huh!
SM:  Nuh-uh!
CB:  Nyuh-huh!
SM:  Nuh-uh!

They start slapping at eachother’s forearms!  Eric Bischoff and Johnny “It’s a NEW DAY for WCW Monday” Nitro run out to break it up.

EB:  No way you’re getting in a slapfight without MY PERMISSION! 
CB:  He started it!
SM:  Did not!
CB:  Did too!
SM:  Did not!
CB:  Did too!
SM:  Did not!
CB:  Did too!
SM:  Did not infinity times 2!
JN:  Actually, Shawn that’s impossible you see, infin….

Shawn Superkicks Nitro.

EB:  THAT’S ENOUGH!  In two weeks, on the campus of the University of Phoenix, where I got my degree, it will be Shawn Michaels v. Chris Benoit in a match for the Dance Dance World Title!
CB:  Fine!  In two weeks, I’m going to make Shawn Michaels TAP OUT!!

…

CB:  Like uh…BRET HART!

The crowd pops.

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Molly Holly v. Victoria
For the WWE Women’s Title

Victoria kisses some kid in the crowd and he’s scared.  “Mommy, why is that man trying to kiss me?”  Oh I’m just KIDDING!  Geez!  I’ve already got the Canadians after me, I don’t need the Victoria fan boys flooding my e-mail account with pictures of Victoria trying to get me to look at her tits or something.  YES!  I SEE TEH BOOBIEZ all right?  Geez.  Settle down.  They roll around for a while, and Victoria pulls off Molly’s wig to reveal…Annie Lennox?  Walkin’ On, Walkin’ On…Molly freaks out because she hates Annie Lennox and she starts choking Victoria.  That’ll be a DQ.  Sweet Dreams are NOT made of this.  Yeah.  That’s pretty much my repertoire of Eurythmics songs.  As if I wasn’t dated enough, Lawler throws out a Sinead O’Conner joke.  Oh, My Darling Stacy nothing compares…Nothing compares…to youuuuuuuuuuuuu…(single tear).

Here’s Evolution’s limo.  How did I know it was Evolution’s limo?  No horns, silly.  They pile out.  Orton looks like his face has been glued back together, HHH looks like he’s drunk, Dave Davidson looks like he’s playing Gameboy, and Flair looks old.

RF:  WOO!  Calgary, ALBERTA, CANADA!  WOO!  Home of the BRET WOO!  The By God Hitman Hart!  If you’re out there fat boy, I just want to let you know that I took your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY!  WOO!
HHH:  Oh, Naitch, you so crazy.  Randy, get our bags.
RO:  Why should I?  I’m not your bitch.  I’m Randy Orton, Intercontinental Champion and true legend.  I even won a match here tonight before we arrived at the building.
HHH:  Ugh…whatever.  I’ve got a killer hangover right now.  I owe you one PEDIGREE TO ORTON whenever I feel I can give it without blowing my lunch all over Naitch here.
RF:  It’ would be an honor to be thrown up on by THE GAME!  WOO!
HHH:  I appreciate the sentiment.  Dave.  Put the game boy down, buddy, and go get our bags.
DBD:  I don’t want to get the BAGS!
HHH:  This isn’t a negotiation, Dave….
DBD:  Mario needs me to save the PRINCESS!
HHH:  You’re going to need saving in a few minutes.  Ric, start chopping Batista.

Flair starts wooing and chopping Dave.  Dave continues to play.  Todd Grisham comes out.

TG:  What’s up, dudes?
HHH:  Who the hell are you?
TG:  WWE announcer Todd Grisham.
HHH:  The Who?
RO:  He’s Terri.
HHH:  AH!
TG:  So what do you think of the big match booked for two weeks at the University of Phoenix?
HHH:  Which big match?
TG:  HBK/Chris Benoit for the Dance Dance World Title.
HHH:  I think I’m going to be sick.
TG:  The World Title means that much to you, huh?
HHH:  No, I had one too many Coronas last night….BLLEARGH!
RF:  WOO!
TG:  Ew!
DBD:  I have saved the PRINCESS!

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Kane is backstage….

KN:  What the hell do I have to do to get some attention around here?  RAW needs more me.  That’s obvious, right?  I mean, damn, it definitely needs some more me tonight.  And look what I’ve done for the company over the last several years.  I hung out with X-Pac, faked a debilitating vocal cord injury, faked massive fire trauma, wore a mask, wore half a mask, took off the mask, hung out with RVD, had sex with a dead woman, had sex with a mannequin, and if Tori wasn’t bad I had to have sex with Katie Vick too, I feud with Undertaker, I feud with Papa Shango, I feud with Starbucks, I make amusing faces at the camera, I pretend I’m Hogan, I job to everybody and anybody they can find backstage, I even jobbed to Tough Enough Jessie at a couple of house shows before she started crying because I worked too stiff, and what do I get in return?  WHAT DO I GET!?  Creative tells me this morning, “Glenn, we want you to feud with Lita.”  I mean, what the hell?  I suppose I’ll do it, because I’ve got nothing better to do, but seriously.  So I want you fans out there to start up one of them online petitions to get Kane a push.  Not one of those pussy pushes I get every couple of months either, I’m talking all Kane, all the time.  I want to beat everybody and light them on fire.  This is going to be really good stuff.  I mean, it’s either that or I’m wearing footy pajamas and wrestling Akio next year at Mania.  Seriously dudes.  They’re already working on the video package.

Bischoff is backstage with Johnny “Robbie Rage” Nitro….

EB:  What the hell was that all about?
JN:  I didn’t know Kane was so eloquent.
EB:  I know…but an online petition?  Who the hell does he think he’s kidding?  It’ll get sandwiched in between the one that Juggal0pimp597 sent us trying to get us to bring back ICP and the one JebTennysonLund sent us trying to get us to kill Randy Orton.
JN:  To be fair Eric, as many people signed those petitions as watch Confidential.
EB:  Yes, and all five of them are going to get put on the WWE’s spam list.  Suckers.
WR:  I say, I can’t stand online petitions either.
EB:  Yeah.  Nice to see someone intelligent around this office.
WR:  I also can’t stand Eugene.  I mean all he does at the hotel is sit in front of his computer and make up theories on how Triple H is killing his push and how Shannon Moore is being underutilized.  I mean SHANNON FREAKING MOORE?!  Bitch, please.
EB:  Yeah.  I know.  But what are you going to do?
WR:  I was quite thinking that I could feed him and his bloody computer to my pet komodo dragons.
UD:  Did somebody say, Dragons-UH?!
EB:  No, Ultimo, false alarm.
UD:  Triple H is the best!  He’s dragonriffic.
EB:  You can’t feed Eugene to the…lizards, Regal.  But what you CAN do is give him odd jobs to do to keep him busy.  And if I find out that you fed him to you lizards, Regal, I’ll feed you to Kane.
WR:  Wouldn’t be the first time….

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Here’s Randy Orton out to cut a promo.

RO:  You know something?  I’m a hardcore legend.  Why am I a hardcore legend if I’ve only had just one hardcore match?  Simple, folks.  Four words:  Thumb.  Tacks.  On.  Genitals.  Oh, yeah.  It’s true.  It’s not a pretty sight down there right now.  Plus, I beat Mick Foley.  Again.  He was fallin’ over like nobody’s business.  So, with that in mind, I think it’s pretty safe to say that this is the end of the beginning and the beginning of the middle of the second act of a four act operetta for Randy Orton as the Intercontinental Champion.

Here’s Edge Tian.  The crowd’s collective “Meh” is deafening.

EG:  RANDY ORTON I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THE HOUSE OF PAIN!

…

EG:  UM…I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP!

…

EG:  YOU LOOK STUPID!
Crickets:  You’re on your own on this one, eh?

EG:  WELL…Ok…I LOVE BRET HART!
Crowd:  Oh, you don’t mean that.

Edge gets frustrated and tries to attack Orton, but this was just the opening Evolution needed to run out and beat the crap out of Edge for beating up Orton before THEY had a chance to beat him.  Orton tries to stumble away but he’s attacked by Chris Benoit.  The two sides take turns pounding on Randy until HHH finally hits the PEDIGREE TO ORTON to wrap things up.  Eric Bischoff harnesses the power of Enraged Raspberry bees to appear and make a match between Ric Flair/Batista and Benoit/Edge.  When he dissappears again, Evolution picks up Orton and swings him into Benoit and Edge, leaving them down and bloodied.

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Coach has merchandise.  Let it sink in.

Tajiri v. Garrison Cade

J.R. points out that Cade was trained by Shawn Michaels, which causes Shawn to run out and Superkick J.R.  Tajiri trys some spinkicks, but it’s to no avail as Cade hits The Stroke following a guitar shot to pick up the win.  Coach is thrilled because he’s the new Teddy Long.  Holla back.

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This week on Smackdown:  Kurt Angle met his untimely demise when he tried to rush a “n00b camper” on a sniping platform, and instead ended up falling off.  Did Torrie Wilson make it off safely?  I guess so because they never mentioned that on Velocity.  Yes, I watch Velocity.  Shut up.

Eugene is in the ring trying to teach Lillian Garcia the names, hometowns and weights of all the wrestlers, but it’s really a hopeless case.  Regal runs out to try to get Eugene to help him sort through the boxes of tapes for the big “Best of Mantaur” DVD the WWE’s got coming out, but Kane picks this time to light Lillian on fire, and Regal’s head goes up in flames.  Calgary Flames (cheap pop!).  Then, to make matters worse, Eugene accidently throws a football at Regal’s crotch.  A CFL Fo…oh never mind.

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Edge is backstage with Chris Benoit.

EG:  Damn.  This is tough.
CB:  What’s wrong, Edge?
EG:  Oh, man.  I’ll just come out and say it.  I never thought I’d be asking YOU this…how in the hell do I get over?
CB:  What do you mean?
EG:  I mean, I’m coming back off a year’s absense, I’m still a good looking young guy with a few moves.  I’ve got all the tools to be a huge star, and yet I can’t seem to get over again.  What the hell am I supposed to do?
CB:  You’re coming to me…for help on your charisma?
EG:  Yes.
CB:  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
EG:  I know…I know….
CB:  I dunno…have you tried…hehehe…Being a pirate?  That’ll get yo…hahahahah…that….AHAHAHAHAHA…(snicker)that’ll get you over for SURE, man…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….
EG:  Really?
RVD:  Hey, dudes!
CB:  Rob?
RVD:  Yeah.  All right!
EG:  What the hell are you doing here, man?
RVD:  Oh….it’s 4/20…I was hoping to score a “cheap Canadian perscription” if you know what I mean.  Yeah.  All right!
CB:  So why are you hanging around here?  Shouldn’t you go to Vancouver?
RVD:  Yeah, I know!  But I couldn’t find it on my map of Ontario!
EG:  But you found Calgary?
RVD:  Yeah.  All right!
CB:  Rob…never mind.  Maybe you can help Edge with his charisma problem.
EG:  Yeah, Rob, what do you do to stay over?
RVD:  I target the clueless and the stoner demographics.  You should do that, man.  Come out dressed in, like, a giant tree costume.  That’ll be crazy over.
EG:  Really?
RVD:  Woah…Can you guys see that floating picture of Bea Arthur?

Lita and Val Venis v. Matt Hardy and Gail Kim

Kane runs out because A)  The show needed some more him and B) Val Venis AND Matt Hardy?  What the hell is this, Heat?  Gail runs all the way back to the Island of Korea, but Val and Lita aren’t so lucky.  First, Val eats a chokeslam, then he eats a spicy chicken sandwhich, and then Kane kicks him in the face before he can say anything.  Then Lita tries to throw a punch, but Kane knows very well that Lita can’t punch, so he lets it sail by him and goes to hit her with the chokeslam.  But WAIT!  Matt Hardy runs in the ring and tells Kane that there’s no way he’s stealing HIS angle, so Kane chokeslams Matt Hardy instead.  Then he laughs about what a badass he is.  Oh, come on, dude.  Even I’ve beaten Matt Hardy in the past few months.  Hell, I think one or two of the refs have wins over Matt.  Lita cries because nobody wants to chokeslam her.

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Coming Soon:  Hirohito.  Damn.  I wonder if they’re saving Palumbo to play Mussolini. 

Chris Benoit and Edge Tian, Pirate Tree v. Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Edge runs out in his giant pine tree costume with an eye patch and tri-corner hat, but the crowd just makes chirping noises at him.  That’s just MEAN.  I mean, there’s indifference and then there’s THUNDEROUS INDIFFERENCE, you know?  Benoit and Flair wrestle around for a little while, but they get confused about the chopping order so they tag out.  Edge nails Batista with a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle, but Batista has never heard of something so absurd, so he no sells it.  Benoit tags back in, only to run into an Osprey Bomb.  The pin is broken up and its time for some….

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When we come back, Dave is in the ring playing Number Munchers while Benoit is standing behind Edge and making fun of him, much to the delight of this Anti-Tree crowd.  So this is what they do during ad-breaks, huh?  Dave gets to the cut scene, but cannot remember where the Troggles hid the key.  Poor, Dave.  Paying attention is HARD.  He’s in the midst of trying to figure out what 8-4 is so that he can eat all the fours when Benoit hits him with a German.  That was mean!  I don’t think Heintz appreciated it either.  Triple H meanders down to ringside to see what’s what then, and ends up beating up Benoit.  Shawn Michaels runs out to even up the sides.  Flair is randomly patrolling the outside of the ring looking for breasts to grope/men to chop.  Edge sees his opportunity to get WAY OVER and takes it, impaling Batista on the end of his tree with a spear.  The crowd thinks that was just RUDE!  Edge and Benoit, however, win the tag team titles.  Benoit panics because he’s the popular half of a dead wood tag team, and Edge is just thrilled to be here tonight.

Next Week:  Are we out of Canada yet?  Benoit hopes not because he’s getting OVER!  Edge almost gets a reaction when people accidently confuse him with Jericho.  And when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade as Shelton Benjamin takes on “Dave” Batista “Davidson” in the Apple II GS Challenge.

All this and more (but not Moore) NEXT TIME!

E-MAIL MATT    
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