by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

Gail Kim and Molly Holly v. Lita and Victoria

Damn.  Women’s wrestling already…geez…fine, but make it quick.  Lita’s showing off the boobies in a valiant effort to distract everyone from Victoria’s ass.  Molly, however, successfully distracts everyone by morphing, once again, into Annie Lennox.  I told you last week, I’m ALL OUT OF EURYTHMICS JOKES!  Geez.  Maybe they can stop using Molly until she has hair.  Or they can get Lita to cut hers like the chick from Aqua or something.  I am your Candy Man…Woooooaaaah!  Lita picks up the win over Gail, and I pick up my dignity after reaching WAY back to the 90s for a music reference.  People of the World, Spice up your life!

One way to spice up MY life (other than a SPICAY~! Chicken Sandwich) is a little more KANE who is making his way to the ring.  He walks over to Lita and stands over her, she freaks out and runs away.  Lita is still running when we catch up to her backstage, and she runs RIGHT INTO MATT HARDY!

MH:  VEEEEOOOONEEEEAAAH!
LT:  You’ve got to help me!  Kane is trying to kill me!  He must have seen Smackdown two weeks ago!
MH:  Well, let me grope your boobie.
LT:  Matt!  This is serious!
MH:  Uh…Don’t you remember that I want to beat you up too?  I mean…that wasn’t THAT long ago, geez.
LT:  Oh, crap!  That’s right!

Lita screams and runs away.  Again.  Kane runs up and attacks Matt Hardy.

JH: 

I’m sure you’ve heard
Jim Ross’ word
That I will be coming back.
Well, I want you to know,
I’ve got spots to blow,
And more Kanes to attack.
But will I come back to RAW
Or correct Smackdown’s flaw,
What will be my station?
The life of a poet is no good,
Back to blowing spots in the hood,
Back in the Imagi-Nation!
Where I am the World Champ,
And I have a nice Lava Lamp!
Fishes swim in my stream!
So, I will return to Imagi,
He will return to me!
And RAW will be
2Xtreme!

Wow!  I can’t wait for the new Peroxwhy?gen single, Jeff Hardy’s stirring tribute to September 11^th “September Day”.  I can’t believe I just wrote that.

I also can’t wait for Diversity 5’s stirring tribute to breakfast entitled “Eggs and Ipecac.”  Girl’s got to keep a slender figure.

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Hey, it’s Coach!

JC:  Yo!  It’s me!  The Coach!  Aren’t you amazed at how big of a jerk I am?  I mean…I actually wrestled Tajiri on a PPV?  WTF, right?  You guys paid to see that crap!  

Tajiri is out to justify that abuse of the fans.

TJ:  Ha!  Ha!  You suckers will pay for anything!

Then Tajiri kicks Coach in the face.  Garrison Cade runs out with his guitar to stop Tajiri, but he ends up getting punched in the face by Triple H.  He and Tajiri celebrate their master plan of taking out the competition.  Tajiri begins dancing around which reminds HHH that he lost the Dance Dance World Title match at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake, HHH is about to go for the Pedigree when suddenly Tajiri spits GREEN MIST all over HHH!  Wait!  That wasn’t Green Mist at all, but Loopy Lime Stacker 2 YJ Stinger!  The bees carry HHH off while Tajiri continues to boogie on down. 

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HHH is backstage with Eric Bischoff.

HHH:  I am SICK and TIRED of selling for these no talent, little dweebs who haven’t accomplished anything in this sport!  Do you know who I am?  I am THE GAME!  And I am THAT DAMN GOOD!  But do I get any respect around here?  NO!  Instead I get carted off by bees!  BEES!  Nature’s candy!  God, you don’t know how annoying that crap gets!
EB:  Uh…Hunter…I’m over here.
HHH:  I know where you are, Eric.  I’m trying to talk to this plant over here.  I’m trying to court it for a spot in Elucidation.
EB:  Riiiiight.
HHH:  You know what?  Shut up.  I don’t need this, from you.  You made WCW into a junk heap.
EB:  Now you’re talking to my picture.
HHH:  Man…I really need some glasses.
RO:  Must be because you’re getting old!  AHAHAHAHAHA!
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO….
RO:  Missed me!
HHH:  DAMMIT!

Rhyno v. Rob Conway (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Did you know Sylvan means “pleasant”?  Eugene comes out and starts “shooting” on Ric Flair and all the other “heels” in the back who don’t know how to give a “face” like him “time” to get “pops”.  Then he wanders off, while William Regal provides commentary.  “He’s eating the nachos!  He’s dropped one!  Oh, my!  He’s eating the dirt and fuzz encrusted nacho!”  Meanwhile in the match…Match?  Huh?  I think there was an OMG CHINLOCK~! in there somewhere.  When did Rhyno turn face?  What do you mean “no”?  Eugene goes over to the pyro table and is all “What’s all this then?” and sets off the pyro.  Conway is so shocked he falls over.  Orton wins!  It’s a banner day for Randy Orton!  HEY!  Wait just a minute!  This is EXACTLY what happened on Smackdown!  Eugene is nameist against people named Rob!  That’s terrible!  He must have set up the ROH guy!  Look out Rob Reiner, YOU’RE NEXT!

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La Resistance, William Regal, and Eugene are backstage with Johnny “What’s With All Them Yaks” Nitro.

RC:  I can’t believe it!  What’s wrong with the name “Rob”.
EG:  It’s a terrible name.  Nothing good has ever come from a Rob.  It even means “to steal”.
SG:  You’re the one who stole Edge’s theme music aren’t you!
EG:  And look how not over he is!  My plans are proceeding nicely.
JN:  That’s it!  Next week, it’ll be Rob Conway against “Rob Hater” Eugene Dinsmore!
EG:  Excellent!  I’m sure it will be a ************ contest full of WORKRATE~!
SG:  You’d better have your boy ready, Regal, Rob and I will take him out!
WR:  Yes.  Right then.
EG:  I believe I will practice for this match by downing 13 bags of Cheetos.  Regal, get the washcloth ready to wash my hands.
WR:  Ugh….

Backstage with Todd Grisham are Edge Tian and Chris Benoit.

TG:  What’s up dudes.
EG:  Todd, do you think I have no charisma? 
TG:  Uh…hehehehe…Sure, you have…tons of charisma.
EG:  Come on, now, man, this is serious business.
CB:  Try your new catchphrase, man.
EG:  I’m NOT CANADIAN!
CB:  Uh…how about the other one.
EG:  Yo, sup biggidies?
CB:  Yep, you’re hopeless.
SM:  “Sup, biggidies”?
EG:  What?
SM:  Man, even my Jesus T-Shirts would sell better than that catchphrase.  Hell, Undertaker sells better than that catchphrase.
EG:  Ouch.  That really hurts, Shawn.
SM:  Whatever.  Does anybody have a crowbar?  I’m wearin’ one of Whyspyr’s thongs, and well…you know.
CB:  All too well, my friend.  Let me go get the kit.
EG:  Ok, see that was gross.
TG:  And yet, they’re both more over than you.

Chris Tian is out with Trish Stratus and Tyson Tomko.  Yep.

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Ok, back to Chris Tian.

CT:  Man, I blew five bucks on this dude, so he’d better be worth it!  I think that if he gets over, it’ll help ME get over, and that would get me into the World Title picture, but if THAT fails then I’ve got Trish, so he can’t drag me too far down the card!  See I’ve got it all figured out!  Now all I need is a good opponent!

Chris Tian (w/ Trish Stratus and Tyson Tomko) v. Grand Master Sexay

Something tells me this isn’t quite what he meant.  Nice to see Sexay didn’t try to cross the border last week.  Chris starts out well, but the Grand Master takes control by occasionally stopping the match to ask the referee what a guy his age is doing acting like such a jackass.  I think that’s a question you should direct to daddy.  Hey, if his title is “GM” doesn’t that mean that he’s the GM?  Maybe they could throw him over on Smackdown and I wouldn’t ever have to deal with him again!  Too much?  All right.  Tomko tries to distract Sexay by taking off his shirt, but Sexay no-sells the man-boobs, Trish tries climbing up on the apron, but then she just jumps down again, Sexay goes up top to try to hit the Hip Hop Drop, but then he kind of just stands there, and Chris Tian knocks him off and picks up the win.  WOW!  What a fluid series of events!

Tomko starts to leave, but he misses Jericho sneaking in from behind.  Ace and Gary to Tian!  He locks Trish in the Walls of Jericho, but Tomko grabs her hands.  Jericho pulls one way, Tomko pulls the other, and Trish snaps in half.  Ouch.  That’s gonna take some stitches.  No…no…wait.  Jericho throws the other half back at Tomko and he begins to refasten the seam.  Whew.  I guess all that plastic fixes pretty easily. 

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Tajiri v. Triple H

Hunter seriously looks like he just ate out a lime Jello girl.  Tajiri busts out the spinkicks, and Hunter is selling like pleather at a sorority.  Hunter bails, but Tajiri follows.  Between this and Shelton and TAKA and Eddie…maybe HHH is just a big supporter of affirmative action.  Hell, Benoit’s even Canadian.  That’s a KIND of Ethnicity.  Kind of.  Everybody else sells for White Americans, so he’s tryin’ something else.  He should be commended!  Booker T must be pissed.  A-Train must be waiting in the wings for his shot.  Tajiri kicks HHH in the quad and Hunter falls over, HHH freaks out about that and nails the PEDIGREE TO ORTON on Tajiri.  Oh no!  He couldn’t see who he was Pedigreeing!  What a terrible fate for Tajiri!  Hunter wins.

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Matt Hardy v. Kane

Matt Fact:  Please, God, don’t let them shackle me with Jeff again.

That’s not even a fact!  That’s like those fortune cookies that say “Seven times eleven is twenty-one, I slept with your sister.”  Which is funny because I don’t have a sister…Wait…yes I do.  I have three of them.  Oh, those bastards at Wang’s are going to pay.  Then again…that chicken fried rice is pretty delicious.  Ah, I say it’s a push.  Bring on the rice!  Speaking of pushes, Matt Hardy is decidedly NOT getting one.  Which is kind of sad, because now I don’t feel like wearing my lavender Matt Hardy shirt in public.  Mostly because it causes people to shout, “The guy on your shirt, he is not getting pushed.”  Nobody actually says that.  Flair is right about the IWC.  We’re all a bunch of jobbers.  Kane wails on Matt for a while, and Lita runs out.  Kane drops Matt and pushes Lita into the corner.  Then he licks his thumb and wipes it on her cheek.  “You had a little schmutz there.”  Kane leaves.  Lita doesn’t know what to do, so she takes off her shirt.  Squeeeeeeeel!

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Victoria hung out with Hillary Clinton.  I guess she and Bill are big wrestling fans.  Makes sense, I guess.  I wonder, though, if he knows that Bertha Faye is dead.

Lawler is in the ring to promote the new Diva’s mag and DVD.  After mentioning that he uses his MENSA card to keep his place in the magazine, he drags out My Darling Stacy, who decides to show her ass off to the crowd.  Thanks, dear.  Then Lawler draws our attention to Harley Race who is at ringside.  He’s a NWA Legend, you know.  Doesn’t that mean he should be slumming it with Dusty over on TNA?  Oops, somebody said Legend, and you know what THAT MEANS!

Everybody scream real loud:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Hehehehe…No, it means that Randy Orton is out.  Orton starts stepping on Harley’s foot trying to get him to fall over, but when that fails, he grabs a mic.

RO:  Dude, come on!  Dad said you’d sell for me!  I’ve been getting a bunch of concussions lately, and so I’m forgetting stuff, but I remember this!  I also remember that…uh…something was supposed to happen now….

Randy turns around and Shelton Benjamin kicks him in the head.  As Shelton celebrates, Harley Race climbs into the ring and picks Randy up.  HIGH KNEE!  OMG!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  Harley pulls off his mask to reveal…The Hamburgler?!  The plot thickens.

Robble Robble.

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On Smackdown:  Nobody got thrown off a ledge.  Why don’t you go bemoan the lack of wrestling on that show.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” is backstage with Flair.

DBD:  I’m going to cut a promo, RIC!
RF:  All right!
DBD:  It’s going to be about us winning the Tag Team TITLES!
RF:  WOO!
DBD:  It’s going to be a really good ONE!
RF:  Let’s go!
DBD:  Ric, why are we the only two members of EDUCATION!
RF:  Huh?
TEJ:  CUT!
RF:  I took your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!!  WOOOOOOO!!!
TEJ:  WAAAAAAAH!

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Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Team Charisma~!
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Edge is no longer a dancing pirate tree.  Damn.  Speaking of trees, I’d just like to take this time to observe that they shouldn’t have Earth Day so close to 4/20.  I’ve never seen a bigger group of tired, zoned out hippies trying very hard to get me to buy solar powered DVD players and hemp shoes in my life.  The keynote speaker totally just got up there and stared off into the audience, “There’s…like…a whole lotta dolphins out there, man.  … yeah…anybody got any soy crackers?”  What the hell does that have to do with this match anyway?  BAD ME!  Benoit hits a German.  So long, Klaus.  Edge takes down Flair and locks in the Figure Four, but Flair just stares at Edge and says, “If Russo, can’t sell mine, I won’t sell yours.”  Edge runs off to cry because Flair isn’t trying to help him get over.  Batista nails Lillian Garcia with an Osprey Bomb.

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Edge is back, but he looks sad.  The crowd chants for Benoit.  “Let’s go, Benoit.”  Were are they going?  If they’re going back to the supermarket, could they bring me back some chips?  Thanks.  Benoit doesn’t seem to be ready to go, though.  Dammit, Benoit, I’m not getting any fatter here.  Some people.  Benoit and Dave fight on the outside over which Atari game was better Gremlins or Pitfall.  I dunno…I kinda liked Wizard of Wor, you know?  Edge hits the SPEAR on Flair, just to rub it in to all those poor kids who didn’t get drafted. 

Triple H runs out and pushes Edge over, and then starts beating up Chris Benoit.  Shawn Michaels prances out and nails Benoit with a chair instead.  Hunter looks confused, but Shawn reminds him that he’s a total dick.  Edge confronts Shawn about it, and Shawn makes fun of Edge’s problems.  Edge cries, and Benoit rolls Shawn into a Sharpshooter.  Edge pulls Benoit away so that they can leave before anybody else makes fun of their charisma problems.  Well…that’s one way to end the show. 

Next Week:  A deep introspective look at the career of WWE Legends Lance Storms.  HHH gets the crap kicked out of him by Gail Kim.  Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit square off in what is sure to be a match.

Outside the arena, it’s Lance Storm and RVD….

LS:  Wow.  I never thought I’d have to pack up my mes and leave.
RVD:  What are you gonna do, dude?
LS:  I guess I’m going to train some people.
RVD:  Woah, I hope they end up better than Justin Credible!  Yeah…all right!
LS:  Oh, shut up.  Can’t you see I’m in a period of mourning here?
RVD:  Is it already morning?  Woah…I guess I should get to bed then!  I’ve got an early day tomorrow!
LS:  What the hell are you doing?
RVD:  They’re running a Clifford marathon!  Yeah, all right!
LS:  I’m trying to have a serious retirement moment, and all you can talk about is some stupid red dog?
RVD:  Rodney Mack?
LS:  Ugh…excuse me.
RVD:  Hey, lighten up, man.  Remember when we were feuding, and you were an action figure?
LS:  Uh…yeah…I guess.
RVD:  Or the time Steve Austin melted you, and you became a puddle?
LS:  Yeah….
RVD:  And then you were frozen, and somehow that resulted in three of you.
LS:  Right…
RVD:  And then one got eaten, and there were two of you?
LS:  Right.
RVD:  And then both of you ended up on Heat where the announcers talked about your penises. 
LS:  Ugh.  What a dismal failure my WWE career has been.
RVD:  Yeah, all right!
LS:  Never thought I’d long for the heady days of WCW, you know?
RVD:  Yeah!  Duuuude, did you see how awesome Robbie V was?
LS:  Still…for all the problems I’ve had here, I’m going to miss the old girl.
RVD:  Wanna play Hungry Hungry Hippos?
LS:  No.
RVD:  You’re way too serious.  You need to lighten up, dude.
LS:  I tried that.  It didn’t help.
RVD:  No…I mean…we need to go on an adventure, Lance.  You and Rob (point) Van (point) Dam (point).
LS:  I don’t like the sound of this at all.
RVD:  You’re retired.  Who’ll miss you?
LS:  My family?
RVD:  Yeah, all right!
LS:  Why can’t I just stay retired?
RVD:  Next stop, Atlantis!
LS:  Wait…WHAT?!

(To Be Continued…)

E-MAIL MATT    
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