by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits, Now with MORE KANE)

Tonight:  Chris Benoit v. Shawn Michaels.  Sting sings the promo music.  Stiiinger Splaaaash elay elay!

Shelton Benjamin/Edge Tian/Tajiri v. Evil Lynn

Oh, damn.  Skeletor is going to be pissed at Eric Bischoff about this one.  Wait…That’s Evolution.  Huh.  Where the hell is Triple Naitch?  Did he eat Linda’s onion rings, or something?  Shelton gets in the ring, because he thinks he’s feuding with Randy Orton, but then he falls over and has to tag out.  There goes THAT feud.  Tajiri kicks HHH in the face, and Hunter cries because he has to sell.  Edge bails to find a wacky hat to get himself over.  Dave Davidson is CONFUSED because nobody is around to be hit with the Osprey Bomb.

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Dave hits the Osprey Bomb on Lillian Garcia.  Dave turns around, but Tajiri hits him with the Orange Juice Mist, which gives Dave 100% his daily requirement of Vitamin C.  But he already ate some Scooby Doo Fruit Snacks with his Lunchables earlier, which gave him 15% of his daily requirement of Vitamin C.  That’s TOO MUCH VITAMIN C!  Batista goes down.  Triple H knocks Tajiri down, but Shelton Benjamin kicks HHH in the face, causing Hunter to sob quietly in the corner as his masculinity dies.  Shelton celebrates, but he suddenly slips on a puddle of orange juice and falls over AGAIN!  Orton comes in to gloat, but he gets hit with the SPEAR!  GOLDBERG WINS~!  Err…I mean, Edge.  GOLDBERG EDGE!  Er…Uh…you know what.  Forget it.

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OMG~!  It’s time for Stand-Up Central with Jonathan Coachman and Garrison Cade!

JC:  Thank you!  Thank you!  It’s time once again for Stand-Up Central.  I’m the Coach.
GC:  And I’m Jeff Jarrett. (laugh track)
JC:  You know what’s worse than Arizona women, Garrison?
GC:  A guitar shot to the face?  (wild laugh track)
JC:  Uh…no.  NOTHING!  Because they’re all hairy nightmares!  (heckling track)
GC:  Ooooh!  I guess you ticked SOMEBODY off!
JC:  Yeah.  Hey, Garrison.  How do you spell relief?
GC:  J-A-Double R-E-Double T?  (rimshot then laugh track.)
JC:  NO!  GETTING OUT OF ARIZONA!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  (Booing Track)

A cane pulls Coach off the stage.  He’s replaced by Vince McMahon.

GC:  Mr. McMahon!  What are you doing here tonight?
VM:  Linda!  (laugh track)

Last Week on Smackdown:  The Undertaker continued his long simmering, over a year long, feud with Nunzio over who attacked Nathan Jones at Wrestle Mania X-19.  My condolences to Eddie Guerrero whose mother was admitted last night to the Ric Flair Wing of the Al Wilson hospital in Stamford, Connecticut. 

Eric is backstage with Evolution….

HHH:  …which is why I was telling you, that Nibblins and I need our personal space, you know, so why is that crazy woman trying to drive a wedge between me and Nibblins, who on a further note did the cutest little thing this weekend with his tail and he was chasin’ it around, and I tied a little bow around it, and he was all, like, freaking out and I was laughing so hard, beca….
EB:  WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
HHH:  I was asking for a match against Shelton Benjamin.
EB:  Uh….
RO:  What about ME?!  I want a match against that charismaless punk, Edge!  I’ll show him that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end!
EB:  You what?
DBD:  I want to wrestle in a MATCH!
HHH:  Dave, I don’t think that’s wise, Ric got sent home and….
DBD:  No, this is very important to ME!
EB:  Listen, you guys….
JN:  It’s me!  Johnny “iWatch Wednesdays” Nitro!
EB:  Oh great.  What do YOU want?
JN:  I just dropped by to tell you all that Vince McMahon is here!
HHH:  Daddy will give me a match.  Come on guys.

Evolution leaves.

EB:  I…but…I don’t get it.  Come back in here for a second.

Evolution comes back in.

EB:  You guys have your matches.  Next week. 
RO:  That’s great.  But I guess HHH will be losing…AGAIN…because he’s leaving to film his great new Epic, “Dude, Where’s My Push”.

….

EB:  I was kind of expecting Van Dam there.
HHH:  Yeah, me too.
DBD:  I was as WELL!
RO:  You’re all such huge nerds.
HHH:  Oh yeah?  Well you’re a huge PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

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The Hurricane (w/ Suga Rosey) v. Rob Conway (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Hurricane is still disturbingly shirtless.  He is not, however, S.H.I.T.less.  Rosey cheers Hurricane on from the sidelines, which means that it mostly consists of him yelling “OW!  Don’t do…ow…uh…try…ooooh…try not to job…oh…never mind.”  Conway gets on the mic!

RC:  Eugene!  Next week, you’re going to have your first match after decades of training in Ohio Valley Wrestling.  I hope, for your sake, that you don’t blow so many spots that Vince decides to team you up with a returning Jeff Hardy and introduce your tag team in a series of viginettes where you two are forced by a judge to become a tag team as well as co-owners of a small café, and then you argue about what kind of café it will be, a snooty poetry café or a high-tech internet café, and after months of feuding you agree to open a café for goth kids to post their poetry about how much the world hates them with a tasteful dirt volcano in the back.  I hope THAT doesn’t happen!

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Stevie Richards v. Kane

Kane punches Stevie in the face then leaves.

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Chris Jericho is out for the Highlight Reel.  His guest tonight?  Matt Hardy.  His Matt Fact?  “Matt does not like where this is all going.”

CJ:  I want a World Title match.
MH:  Pfft.  Good luck, loser.  You’re stuck in the endless spiral of feuding with Chris Tian, now.  The only way out now is jobbing to everybody in the company.  Trust me, I know.  I’ve been THERE!
CJ:  *sigh*  Do you have anything to say?
MH:  You know, it wasn’t long ago that I used your program to break up with Lita.  It got me thinkin’, however, that since then, I haven’t known the touch of a woman.  It’s especially hard with Shannon still over on Smackdown.  And because Eric Bischoff won’t trade the cleaning supplies to Angle, I guess I’m stuck with the next closest thing to a single woman on RAW.
CJ:  What about Tough Enough Jessie?
MH:  No thank you!  I don’t need all that emotional baggage.  That should be a Matt Fact.  “Matt Hardy does not need all that emotional baggage.”
CJ:  Somebody should try to get her to stop crying backstage.

Lita appears on the screen.  A toothbrush hovers just shy of her mouth, held by something off screen.

LT:  Matt…I still hate you!  I…uhh…like baguettes?

OMG ACTING~!

MH:  Lita!  I know that’s not true!  You’ve hated baguettes from the moment I met you!  In fact, that was the first thing you said to me!  “Matt,” you said, “I hate baguettes!”  And I said, “How did you know my name?!” and you said “Because, I stole your wallet.”
LT:  Oh, Matthew Hardy!  I love you!  Come save me from Kane!
MH:  Kane?  No way!  You’re on your own.
KN:  I’M GOING TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!
LT:  AH!  He’s reverting to Doctor Isaac Yankem DDS, help me, Matt Hardy!  You’re my only hope!
MH:  No.  There is another.
LT:  Who?
MH:  Jim Neidhart?
LT:  Just shut up and help me, or Kane is going to throw me off this really high ledge that has no business being in a real arena!
MH:  Geez.  Fine.

Matt Hardy runs off.

CJ:  Gee.  Do you suppose I should go help her?  I mean…I AM a face!  And she IS in trouble.  Then again, it’s just Lita, so who the hell cares.  I’ll just take this time to wow the crowd with my magic tricks 

Chris Tian, Trish Stratus, and Tyson Tomko are out.

CT:  Oh, no you don’t.  The only one who is going to be doing any magic tricks is me!
CJ:  What are you going to do, make the ratings disappear?
CT:  No!  I’m going to…uh…have Trish kick you in the balls.
CJ:  That’s not really a magi…. 

Trish kicks Jericho in the balls.

CJ:  Urk
CT:  Urk is right, Chris!  Urk is right!

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Matt Hardy is backstage….

MH:  The Boiler room?  Oh, come on!  That is SO cliché.  Lita?!  Lita?!

Matt hears crying around the corner.  He sprints over.

MH:  Lit…oh…it’s you.  Have you seen, Lita?
TEJ:  *sniff*  I HATE YOU!
MH:  Geez…sorry.
LT:  What’s going on?
MH:  Lita!  What are you doing here?  Are you ok?  How did you escape?
LT:  I ran away when he went for the floss.
MH:  You know…your breath IS pretty bad.  Maybe Kane has a point….
LT:  Shut up.
MH:  Yes, ma’am.
TEJ:  Why isn’t anybody paying attention to me?!

Tough Enough Jessie runs off in tears.

JH: 

I know how she feels.
The world around congeals
Imagi is my friend.
A push that never ends.
Have you seen my paint?
My volcano is quite quaint.
12 Year olds send me your bra
Cuz I’m back on RAW
And it’s
2Xtreme!

Gail Kim and Victoria get stuck in the entryway when they both try to come out to their music.

Gail Kim (w/ Molly Holly) v. Victoria
Non-Title, But…Uh…In the Entryway

J.R. says we should all take a moment of silence.  I’ll use that so that I don’t have to say anything about this match.  Thanks, J.R.! 

…

Oh, I suppose I should give you the result, eh?  Gail Kim wins by submission when Victoria is forced to eat food from “Korea” and has to tap out because it is too spicay.

William Regal is in Stamford with Dr. Tom Prichard.

WR:  Are you a real doctor, then?
DTP:  No.
WR:  Damn.  I was hoping to be medically cleared to wrestle by now.
DTP:  Where’s Eugene?
WR:  He’s locked himself in that room with the copies of Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling he stole from the video room.  Hillbilly Jim is going to be pissed.  I’m probably going to be hit with that bloody horseshoe.  Again.

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The tale of the tape for tonight’s Main Event:

 
Vince McMahon is up in the skybox.  I hope there’s not a fire this time!

OMG TRAINING MONTAGE~!

-         Regal tries an arm drag, but he slips off the pizza grease.

-         Eugene eats two boxes of Chicken in a Biskit crackers

-         Dr. Tom celebrates

-         Eugene refuses to study two tapes of Conway matches because they didn’t happen in Japan.

-         Steve Corino offers to train Eugene, but he refuses because he has some poetry to write.

-         Dr. Tom celebrates.

-         Regal pokes his head out from under the empty bags of cheese popcorn he’s been buried under to find Eugene watching the Divas DVD

-         Eugene practices his head bobbing with a Nathan Jones Bobble Head while Regal tries to sic his attack newt.

-         Dr. Tom celebrates

-         Regal attempts another move on Eugene, but Eugene pulls out his cell phone and types out a text message as fast as his pudgy fingers will allow.  Dr. Tom stops the match to see if Regal had heard about the Internet rumors that his wife was sleeping with X-Pac.  Eugene rolls up a stunned Regal for the win!

Bischoff announces that next week we will see a match we have NEVER SEEN BEFORE!  Plus:  Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian.  Matt Hardy’s prophecy has come true!  Vince McMahon applauds this clever waste of time.

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Shawn Michaels v. Chris Benoit
For the Dance Dance World Title

This match is in Kevin Nash’s home town!  Will that work in Shawn’s favor?  I wonder if Chae and Whyspyr went shopping?  Benoit goes for the Crossface, but Shawn shows why people call him the Greasiest Player in the Game, because Shawn has greased up his forearms and Benoit can’t get a grip.  He stole one right out of ol’ Eugene’s playbook there.  Now, I should like to tell you the funniest joke in the world.  “A priest, a rabbi, and Dave “Batista” Davidson walk into a bar.  The bartender sa….

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Hey!  Oh, never mind.  I’m sure you’ve all already heard that one.

Michaels works Benoit’s back, forgetting, momentarily, that HE is the one with the back problems.  Benoit, however, returns the favor with a CHINLOCK~! forgetting, momentarily, that HE is the one with neck problems.  Though I suppose a CHINLOCK~! attacks the CHIN so, I guess he’s all right.  I’ve never heard of anybody having chin problems, have you?  I mean besides tag team specialist Jay Leno?  Shawn and Chris both have the same ideas and go for crossbodies, but they both miss and end up crashing over the top rope.  Benoit comes up bloody.  Shawn comes up naked.  The hell?

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Michaels locks in the Lion Tamer, and yells, “Hahahahaha, EAT IT JERICHO!”  Jericho runs off to join Tough Enough Jessie crying in the corner.  Shawn loads up the Superkick, but the force of the blow is enough to knock out both Benoit and RAW Referee Mike Chioda.  Deciding this is his big moment, Triple H runs out and pins Benoit.  He’s got his heat back!  Thank god!  Then he kicks HBK in the crotch.  Getting kicked in the crotch is Jerichos move!  DAMN YOU MICHAELS!  PEDIGREE TO HBK!  That’ll learn you.  Benoit crawls over to make the cover.  Benoit wins!  HHH enjoys some snacks in the first row while he sits in some dude’s lap.

Next Week:  Evolution’s wishes are fulfilled when they lose three matches separately rather than one together.  Chris Jericho takes on Chris Tian for the last time…WE SWEAR…nah, just kidding.  Eugene wrestles for the first time ever…BE THERE!

The Adventures of Lance Storm and RVD
Chapter One:  “Wait…What?”

LS:  Rob…we’ve been treading water here for…dammit, my Swatch is all water logged…I think it’s been, like, six days.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  What are we even doing here?
RVD:  I told you, dude, we’re looking for the fabled Lost City of Atlantis.  It’s in the Mediterranean.
LS:  Rob, this is Lake Michigan.  You said you wanted to stop home to get a “few things”, by which I can only imagine you meant your bong and a bag of Cheetos, and then you suddenly pulled over, yelled, “We’re here!!” and jumped into the lake.
RVD:  Oh yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Hell…I don’t even know what I’m doing out here.  My family is probably worried sick.
CJF:  Arr!  Make way for the paddleboat of Captain Jack Foley!
LS:  The wha?
RVD:  Captain Jack!  Dude, have you seen the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis around here?
LS:  OH FOR PETE’S SAKE, ROB!  First of all…IF the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis DID exist, it would be either in one of the oceans, or as you stated earlier, the Mediterranean.  Secondly, it’s the Fabled LOST City of Atlantis, which means that nobody has found it yet.  Certainly not this crazy old goon who looks like Mick Foley!  Thirdly, it’s called the FABLED Lost City of Atlantis because it DOESN’T EXIST!!  AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
RVD:  Woah…Chill out, dude.
CJF:  Avast, I have not seen yer lost city.  I’m a bit lost myself, ye see.
GT:  Ahoy, there!  I am Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate!  Make way, or I’ll cuts my way through!
CJF:  Yar!  Make way yerself there, Driftwood, these be my waters ye be pirating!
LS:  What the hell is going on?
ET:  What’s going on, guys?  Pirating?  Cool.  I tried that…I guess there’s no market for pirate trees, though.
RVD:  But you fit the gimmick because your acting’s so WOODEN!
LS:  HAHAHAHAHAHA
CJR:  Yar Yar Yar Yar Yar
GT:  Ja Ja Ja Ja Ja
RVD:  Duuude…I’m so messed up right now…what did I say?
ET:  Hey!  That hurts.
CB:  Not as much as a Crippler Crossface to your…uh…face.

Indiana Jones pops out of the water.

IJ:  I’ve found it!  The Fabled Lost City of Atlantis!
RVD:  See, I KNEW IT, Dude!
LS:  What?!  This doesn’t make any sense!
RVD:  Point the way, Indy!
LS:  But…he’s a fictional Character!
Agent Smith:  So are you…Mr. Evers.
LS:  HUH?!
IJ:  Right over there, past that muck spill.  Can’t miss it.
RVD:  Thanks, dude.
IJ:  I loved you in Black Mask II!
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!  Come on, Lance!
LS:  Wait…I’m still trying to figure this all out!

RVD dives under the water.

LS:  YOU CAN’T BREATHE UNDER WATER!  Oh, hell.

Lance dives after him.

IJ:  Get off MY PADDLEBOAT!

Indy pushes Mick into the water.

CJF:  Avast!  I’ve been waterlogged!  Can…uh…anybody give me a ride back to Cleveland?
Edge, Benoit, Smith, Indy and Guybrush:  NO!

CJF:  Yar….

E-MAIL MATT    
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