by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Dearest Satire Readers,

This is the last opportunity I will have to speak to you as Matt Hocking, Uneducated Scoundrel.  On Saturday, I will be entering the American Workforce armed with a fully certified, real, actual, guaranteed degree in Making Fun of Wrestling from the University of Georgia-Edmonton.  I fully intend on mentioning this degree when I write out all my applications.  But, since nobody is really hiring right now, I'll probably just spend a lot of time pointing at it and drunkenly saying, “If it wasn’t for YOU, I could have been a Dotcomillionare!  CURSES!”  But seriously, it will go on my mantel right next to my degree in E-Mail in Box Management from the University of Phoenix.  I leave behind many frieds at UGE, most notably my fellow UGE Watch Maker (Go Watchies!), and OO Columnist Erin Anderson.  You keep at it, Erin, you’ll get that degree in Being Groped By Old People, yet!

As I embark on this new path in my life, I must ask my self many questions.  Questions like:  How the hell much does a chair cost?!  Can I balance my exciting careers in burger flipping and rap star and still have time to give back to my community, and why the hell do these people care?

Well, quite simply, you shouldn’t and probably don’t.  But now that you’ve read this far, I might as well give you something.  Starting tomorrow and all this week at OnlineOnslaught.com (Jeb permitting) I’m going to give you a glance into a little class I like to call Satire 101.  We’ll be taking a look at the first Satire I ever wrote way back four years ago for CRZ’s Slashwrestling.  Notice, I didn’t say “RAW” Satire.  This is a little different.  Hopefully, you’ll be able to look past my formative Satirizing skills and be able to enjoy a classic journey when the wars between WWF and WCW were still going strong…well…kind of.

In closing, I’d like to congratulate my fellow graduates, wish everyone a wonderful summer, and as we like to say at UGE:  LET’S GET WASTED AND HIT ON YOUR MOM!

-Matt Hocking, BA…hopefully….

Last Week:  All of this week’s natches were booked, except the women’s match.  TAKE THAT GIRLS!  Also, Triple H attacked Shawn Michaels due to excessive prancing.  And Kane thought Lita needed a little more hygiene, but Lita didn’t agree.  What will she think..TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

A Nine and a Half Bell Salute for the Career of TOMMY F’N DREAMER!  We hardly knew thee.  Sniff.

It’s FRICKING GUMBY!  WTF?!  I always thought Pokey would have been the fan.

Triple H v. Shelton Benjamin

Benjamin comes out and celebrates, because apparently the only guy who will sell for him is Hunter.  HHH will sell for him like digitized lemonade on a digitized hot summers day.  However, while I admire the WWE’s lifelike pixels, Shawn Michaels prances out and interrupts the proceedings.  Shawn asks HHH if he could get a spot in Hunter’s new movie, producing his resume.  Hey!  He WAS on Pacific Blue that one time.  Shawn Michaels reprises his award winning role as Michael Shawn, evil diamond thief who Superkicks the police.  The ref doesn’t take kindly to Michael’s pandering, and calls for the DQ.  HHH and Shawn argue about whose fault it is that Chris Benoit is dragging the brand down.  Shawn hits Hunter with a Superkick for being smarmy.  Eric Bischoff comes out and tells Shawn that he’s being deactivated.  Shawn asks if that means he can take the rest of the time until WrestleMania off. 

(ads)

Evolution is backstage.

RF:  WOOO!  Way to get Evil Loogin’ off to a good start!
HHH:  What are you talking about?  I got Superkicked.
RF:  Maybe now Orton will get beat up!
HHH:  Hehehehe…yeah.  You always know what to say, Naitch.
RO:  Hey!  I don’t ap….
HHH:  Nobody asked you, jackass.
DBD:  Do you hope Dave LOSES?!
RF:  No, no!  You’re totally going to beat that stupid chi….
BS:  Whoa Whoa Whoa!
HHH:  Hey!  It’s TV’s The Big Show!
BS:  That’s right.  I enjoy racial slurs as next as the next pro wrestler, but you don’t want to use any on television, Ric.  
RF:  Why not?!  Is it because I took your old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY, WOOO?
BS:  No…no…it’s because everybody will laugh at you.
RF:  Laugh at me?  They’re already laughing!  LAUGH AT ME?!  THEY’RE ALREADY LAUGHING!
EB:  What the hell is going on in here guys?
BS:  I’m not actually really sure.
RF:  WOOO!  I’mgonnagoandjetflylimorideandallthetime gonnacallTajirinamesbecausethey’renotgoingtosensortheNATUREBOY….

Orton smacks the back of Flair’s head.

HHH:  That was TOO Hard!  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
EB:  I totally forgot what I was going to say.
DBD:  Eric!  Would you like a FLOWER?!
EB:  Uh…no.
DBD:  L
RF:  AH!!

(ads)

Tajiri v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”

Batista doesn’t know how to sell Tajiri’s spin kicks so both guys just stand there for a while.  After a bit, Tajiri just frowns and bails.  He asks Gumby what’s going on on Smackdown, because maybe he’d like to go there and win some more Cruiserweight titles.  When Gumby finishes letting him in, Tajiri runs back into the ring and lets Batista powerbomb him for the win.  Yes, folks, even the jobbers would rather be on RAW.  I’ve finally turned things around.  My comeuppance has arrived!  Batista hits a couple other moves he learned watching all those Sid tapes.  Suddenly, Dave starts making out with Tajiri.  Huh?!  Boy, I totally get all the rest of the sexual tension in wrestling, but this one is WAY out of nowhere.  Wait…Dave spits the STRAWBERRY MIST ON TAJIRI!  Tajiri now thinks he’s Strawberry Shortcake!!  Before Tajiri can ask him where Purple Pieman is, Dave hits the Osprey Bomb and knocks him back out. 

(ads)

My Darling Stacy is out to promote the new WWE Divas DVD:  WWE Divas in Space.  I’m surprised how sexy they can make those space suits while still keeping them airtight and space-ready.  All those muppets are pretty distracting though.  Molly Holly and Gail Kim come out to yell at Stacy because she doesn’t ever wrestle.  She’s a title.  Titles don’t wrestle, silly.  Victoria runs out because she was SURE she heard her music.  Gail tries to explain that it was just her’s, but Victoria isn’t having any of that.  It’s a Pier 1 brawl.  Katie bar your chairs and affordable dinette sets!  Jazz runs out.  I thought she was dead?  Why isn’t SHE the new WWE Cruiserweight Champion?  Still a better option than Paul London.  I also believe that Total Hottie Josh Matthews should be over here in the Women’s Division.  Nidia runs out.  NIDIA?!  Oh come on.  You guys have GOT to be putting me on now.  Kane runs out, and looks confused as he scans the entire WWE Women’s Division for his would be patient.  Nothin’ doin’ Kane.  Sorry.  I gues the WWE forgot that Lita and Trish were women.  Not that I could blame them.  Somewhere, Tough Enough Jessie is crying.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Chris Jericho….

TG:  Y2J, tonight you’ve got a big match against Chris Tian.
CJ:  I do?  I thought I had the night off.
TG:  Yeah.  Eric Bischoff totally booked that, like, last week.
CJ:  Aw damn.  I was gonna play Euchre with Shawn Michaels.
TG:  Shawn’s been deactivated.
CJ:  No way!  Really?
TG:  Do you EVER watch this show?
CJ:  Uh…yeah…Sure.  And I’m sick of Morimoto holding me down.
EB:  Tonight’s ingredient…STEEL CAGE!
CJ:  Oh damn!
TG:  You heard it folks…Chris Jericho v. Iron Chef Tian…STEEL CAGE BATTLE!!

OooooAAAoooOOWW!

Edge Tian v. Randy Orton
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Do you ever get the feeling that Randy is sad that he’s the only guy in Evolution who has a belt, but he’s the only guy without his own theme music?  Hell, Dave Davidson has his own theme.  Edge has his own theme too, but it’s old.  Orton, in his ever present search for positive attention, locks in the Million Dollar Dream.  Everyone boos because he’s no Ted Dibiase.  Edge is just thrilled to be part of a reaction of some sort.  Flair runs out.  Both Edge and Orton freak out thinking he’s out there to hassle them.

(ads)

Flair attacks the referee.  Uh…SHOCKING SWERVE~!?  No clue what the hell WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton did to deserve it though.  Maybe he accidentally wiped his hands on Flair’s robe or something.  Edge hits the Edgecution, but there’s no ref.  Flair is absolutely incensed that Edge is allowed to use a maneuver that sounds so close to Elevation.  Ric gets in the ring to argue the point, and accidentally gets in the way of an Edge SPEAR!  Flair inadvertently helps Orton!  The Spear on Flair draws no reaction from the crowd causing Edge to fall over with sadness.  Orton wins!!

(ads)

William Regal is backstage with Eric Bischoff.

WR:  I can’t believe I’m actually going along with this angle.
EB:  You know what?  I was just thinking.  Forget about it.  I want Eugene to lose.
WR:  What brings about this drastic change of heart?
EB:  The dork told me that DDP sucked.  You don’t tell me that on MY watch!
WR:  Well what about your sister?
EB:  She can go to hell…Hold on…that’s my cell.

…

EB:  No…I didn’t know that you were watching the show…yes…I…but…he’s…too fat?  Ok…Ok…I’m sorry.  Geez.  What a bitch.  Hold on…that’s my cell….

Jazz, Molly Holly and Gail Kim v. My Darling Stacy, Nidia and Victoria

The women roll around for a while.  Gail wins with the Regal Stretch.  Eugene should sue.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage with Chris Tian, Trish Stratus, and Tyson Tomko….

TG:  Do YOU guys watch the show?
CT:  Which show?
TS:  Friends?  Isn’t it crazy?  Why didn’t Rachael go to France?
CT:  Would you stay in the US for me, baby?
TS:  Hell no.  Maybe she thought Rene Dupree would try to grab her ass.
CT:  Can I grab your ass, baby?
TS:  Hell no.  Tyson, did you watch the Friends finale?
TT:  I…Tivoed…it.
CT:  Is this what you were talking about, Todd?
TG:  No.  NO!  THIS SHOW!  The one you’re on RIGHT NOW!  Do you watch THIS SHOW!?
CT:  Uh…yeah.  Sure I do.  No…wait…is this the NBA Playoffs?
TS:  I’ll admit it.  I don’t watch this show.  I don’t really like wrestling.
TT:  I…Tivo…it.

Trish wanders off.

TS:  Hey!  Lita!
LT:  Uh…Hey!  Trish!  I still hate you.  Remember?
TS:  And yet you’re back to making time with Matt Hardy still hates YOU.
LT:  It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?
TS:  You look like you could use a little more Kane.  Don’t spill your coffee on him!

Lita spills her coffee all over.

LT:  Dammit!

Lita tackles Trish onto the catering table, taking out Tough Enough Jessie’s dinner in the process.  Tough Enough Jessie sobs silently.  Trish and Lita rub cheese and yogurt into each other’s breasts and pour Kool-Aid down each other’s shirts.  Matt Hardy breaks it up.

MH:  Come on, Lita.  Let’s go.
CT:  Hey, dude!  Don’t be such a cockblock.  This was really cool.
MH:  Oh yeah!?  Well…shut up!  Let’s go to the ring, Lita.
CT:  Dammit…I missed most of this!  It was totally awesome, too!
TT:  I…Tivoed…it.
TS:  Yeah, well if my ass was showing, I’m gonna make you delete it.

Trish storms off.  Tian silently asks Tyson to copy it to DVR and Tyson nods knowingly.

Matt Hardy Version 1 (w/ Lita) v. Somebody….

Matt Fact:  Matt is tired.

Wait…That’s MY Matt Fact.  I’m subliminally affecting WWE Programming!!  That explains Smackdown.  Matt’s opponent was supposed to be Val Venis.  Huh?!  That doesn’t make any sense.  Maybe Kane here will explain it…Oh, who am I kidding?

KN:  Matt Hardy!  Matt Hardy!  I’ve attacked Val Venis!  Now you won’t be able to wrestle tonight!
MH:  Geez, thanks, dude.  I’m gonna go backstage and take a nap.
KN:  Uh…Oh yeah?!  Well what of poor Val Venis?  Huh?!
GC:  Dammit, Kane.  Ow!  I’m not even Val Venis!  I’m Garrison Cade!
KN:  Oh yeah?!
GC:  Yeah!  OW!  What do you have against poor Val anyway?
KN:  HE DEFLOWERED MY TORI!
MH:  Uh…no…that was X-Pac.  Val deflowered Ryan Shamrock.
GC:  And I’m pretty sure neither of them needed much deflowering.
KN:  Don’t you talk about my Tori like that!
GC:  AAAAAAA!!!
MH:  What the hell do you want with Lita anyway, Kane?
KN:  I want to wash her hair!
MH:  Oh…that doesn’t sound so bad….
LT:  MATT!
MH:  You’re pretty rank, babe.
LT:  I’m trying to grow some natty dreads!
KN:  Oh no!  They’re trying to feud me with a voodoo priest too!

(ads)

Eugene Dinsmore v. Rob Conway (w/ Sylvan Grenier)

Eugene asks Conway if Conway’s read the Smackdown spoilers for this week.  Regal jumps into the ring to try to tell Conway that Eddie beats a returning Kurt Angle clean with the Frogsplash, but Eugene lets loose the awful truth.  Jacqueline beats Eddie for the title, and Booker T brings Grandma Guerrero back from the dead to feud with Undertaker.  Conway has a heart attack.  Eugene wins.  Regal looks befuddled.

(ads)

Hey!  A Chris Benoit Video package!  Man…he’s totally…uh…he’s..zzz…zzzzz…OMG BENOIT~!

Eric Bischoff hates himself, so here’s Johnny “WCW Saturday Night” Nitro.

JN:  Next week…we’re going to have a 20 man battle royal for the #1 contendership.  That’s going to be, like, 2/3 of the show.  The other 1/3 will be split between a Lita/Trish match and 15 minutes of me eating mac and cheese and looking pensive.  It’s gonna be crazy go nuts!

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian (w/ Trish Stratus and Tyson Tomko)
In a STEEL CAGE CHALLENGE

Jericho tries for the Walls of Jericho early on, but it is blocked by mysterious rays from Shawn Michaels while a message on the Titantron says, “This move is mine now.”  Tian and Jericho battle to the top of the cage, but both of them are afraid of heights, so the both scamper back down.  Tyson tries to get involved in the match, but the refs aren’t having any of that.  After all, what is the point of a cage match if there’s interference?  Come to think of it, I’m having a hard time remembering a cage match where there WASN’T interference of some kind or another.  What the hell is the point of the cage exactly?  You know what would be better?  A ring surrounded by a moat of lava.  Nobody is interfering in THAT match.  Trish tries to slide into the ring, but her pants get hooked on the door and come right off.  Jericho locks her in the Walls, and the Spirit of Shawn shown down and he saw that it was good.  Invigorated by the approval of the Deactivated One, Jericho assaults Tian.  As he’s attacking, however, panic seizes the ring.

CT:  Hey!  Stop!  Hold on!
CJ:  What?!  We’re in the middle of a match.
CT:  Dude, I dropped my blade.
CJ:  Your what?
CT:  My blade.  You know?  So I can cut my head open?
CJ:  Well…uh…where did you last see it?
CT:  Ok, we were running the ropes over here, and then you hit me with a back breaker here, and…uh…Oh!  There it is.

OH!  CHRISTIAN IS WEARING CRIMSON MASK!  AND HE’S ALSO BLEEDING!  Tian crawls towards the exit, but Jericho stops him with another Walls of Jericho, and I guess Shawn is just feeling mighty benevolent.  Tian almost makes it out, but Jericho backs out with Tian’s feet off the floor and gets the victory. 

Next Week:  Mac and Cheese, Battle Royals and some women’s thing!  You’ll never believe what happens during the RAW talent show when Chris Jericho and Tajiri come with the same magic act!  Another Spine chilling Chris Benoit video about how he totally boned Kevin Sullivan’s wife.

Lance and Rob are Friends
Chapter 2:  Hey!  Somebody’s making off with our gopher!

RVD:  We’ve finally made it!  The Fabled Lost City of Atlantis!
LS:  I…I…I don’t believe it!  How the hell were we able to breathe under water?  For six days?!
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  That doesn’t answer my question at all!
TD:  Come with me.  My master will answer all of your questions.
LS:  Tommy?  TOMMY F’N DREAMER?!  What the hell are you doing here?
TD:  That bastard HHH forced me to retire, and Beulah and I can’t afford to live anywhere but the bottom of a lake.  Which is fine with me because living at the bottom of a lake is EXTREME!
RVD:  Duuuuude…Did you know that Raven deflowered your wife at summer camp?

A single tear rolls down Tommy’s face.

LS:  THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE!  You can’t see tears under water because EVERYTHING is already wet!  We shouldn’t even be able to talk!  Why won’t anybody tell me what’s going on?!
TD:  My ma….
LS:  Fine.  Let me talk to him.

Tommy leads RVD and Lance into the main chamber….

PN:  BEHOLD!  I am Prince Namor, ruler of The Fabled Lost City of Atlantis!  Tremble before me, mortals!
LS:  The Rock?!
PN:  Prince Namor knows not of what you speak?!  Who is this sexy, charismatic movie star “The Rock?!”
RVD:  Duuuuude…Even I know it’s you, bro, and I’m way blitzed right now.  Yeah!  All right!!
TR:  All right.  All right.  You guys are such buzz kills.  The Rock is working on getting into Character for his new movie, Prince Namor and the Sort of Ticked-Off Fish.  So he had a construction crew build a fortress of Solitude down here at the bottom of the lake.
RVD:  The Fortress of Solitude?  That’s totally Superman.  I find your lack of comics knowledge disturbing!
TR:  Comics?!  The Rock loves Hi and Lois!
LS:  I love it when the baby makes some sort of poignant comment on life.
TD:  Actually, I’m pretty sure all the Evolution segments are written by the writers of Hi and Lois. 
TR:  With Dave as the baby.  Yeah, the Rock is with you, Daddy!
RVD:  Did you know it takes three people to write that stuff?
TR:  Woah!  Even the Rock thinks that’s a little excessive.
LS:  Speaking of excessive, how can we breath or speak underwater?
TR:  It’s all Hollwood magic, Lance!  Hollywood magic can get you to believe anything we want you to!
LS:  Huh?!
TR:  Like the space ships in Star Trek!  They’re totally out in space, but the noises?  Added on in Hollywood!
LS:  But…but…that doesn’t make any sense.
TR:  That’s the beauty of movies, Lancelot, nothing has to make sense if you don’t let it!
LS:  BUT!
RVD:  Duuude, just let it drop.
LS:  Fine.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
TR:  So what brings you here?
RVD:  We were totally looking for the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis, but we got side tracked and ended up here.  You don’t know how disappointing this all is.
TR:  The Rock is feeling ya, the Rock is feeling ya!  I’ll tell you what, why doesn’t Tommy Dreamer make you some dinner, you’ve gotta be hungry after…what…two weeks without food?  Tommy, go make sure the jade gopher is still in its position in the inner sanctum, and then go get these gentlemen some food.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  I am kind of famished.
TD:  Master!  Master!  Look!
TR:  Hey!  Somebody’s making off with our gopher!
LS:  This just keeps getting better and better.
TR:  I bet it was that son of a bitch Sort of Ticked-Off Fish!  After him men!
RVD:  Come on, Lance!  Yeah!  All right!!
TD:  E-C-Dub!  E-C-Dub!!
LS:  Oh for Pete’s Sake…

To be continued…

E-MAIL MATT    
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