by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Lita v. Trish Stratus

Oh boy!  A match to start things off!  And with women!!  This is my DREAM!!  Lita’s outfit can be conservatively described as “terrible”.  They roll around for a while, and then Lita’s boob goes flying all over the place.  Oh, don’t worry, it was still safely hidden by her bra.  Between this and Dawn Marie, though, we’re slowly working up to more WWE TV nudity.  Can I ask that it be My Darling Stacy?  I just think that’d be really neato.  Thanks.  Lita hits Trish with the Tombstone nearly breaking her neck.  Not quite though.  Damn, what would we have done without an annoying blonde Canadian on WWE TV?!  WHAT?!!  WHERE’S TEST DAMMIT!?!  SUCKAS GOTS TO KNOW!!!  Woah, damn.  Sorry about that.  I guess this job search thing is really getting to me.  The Tombstone can only mean one thing…A little more Kane!  Sure enough here’s the man himself on the TitanTron….

KN:  LIIiiiiita!  Come back here and let me cleanse your pores!
LT:  I dunno, Kane…I think my pores are doing just fi….
KN:  Don’t kid yourself, ho!  You need to be washed up!
LT:  That’s kinda creepin’ me out, dude.
KN:  Oh…Sorry.  I’m just…I’m real big on hygiene, you know?

Trish rolls up Lita and gets the pin.

KN:  Oh, snap!  Sorry about that.  Baby girl, don’t be mad!
LT:  What do you want anyway?
KN:  I just want you to answer one question!

What is that question…find out later…TONIGHT?!

Wait…that doesn’t make any sense.  Why can’t they just tell me now?

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Seriously, What was the question.  Come on, WWE, you can tell me!  Come on….

Randy Orton is out to interviewify the audience….

RO:  You know what?  I’m trying to win the WWE World Tag Team titles, but I’m not so sure I trust my partner.  I mean…you know?  Dave has been really mean to me lately, and it’s not like it’s any treat traveling with Hunter or Ric either.  Heck, I’m the only guy in Evolution with a belt anymore, and you know what it gets me?!  Pedigreed every week.  I’m tired of being beaten up and under appreciated!  And to make things worse, I think my tattoos are running!  I KNEW I couldn’t trust that guy with the Sharpie outside of Walmart.  Dammit!  I just don’t think things could get worse for Pretty Randy Orton.

Here’s Shelton Benjamin with the rebuttal….

SB:  You think YOU’RE unappreciated?!  I beat HHH TWICE, and what do I get?  I barely get mentioned since.  I mean what the hell?
RO:  Oh, you beat Hunter…so what?  Everybody has been beating him lately.  It’s his karma run so that his next title reign can last for another 13 months.
SB:  Oh, damn.  You mean that I wont’ be able to hold the World Title any time soon?
RO:  Nope.
SB:  All that time I spent teaching Benoit those dance moves was worthless!  Arg!
RO:  Yeah.  Hahahaha…way to go, dude.  Maybe you should go back to Smackdown and try to get in on some of that hot Rico/Haas action.
SB:  Oh, hell no.  Hey!  I can try to win YOUR belt!!

They brawl for a few minutes before both men break down and sob uncontrollably for the next 30 minutes about how well they are regarded by others.  Tough Enough Jessie is sad that she missed this.

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Evolution is backstage….

HHH:  Unappreciated, huh?!
RO:  Yeah.  I just want…uh…more respect around here, you know?  I’m tired of getting Pedigreed.
RF:  I’m tired of people telling me how old I am!  Especially your old lady when I was taking her on a RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOOOO!!
DBD:  I’m tired of muffins and BAGELS!
HHH:  Dave, how many times have we been over this?  You need your bran and your fiber!
DBD:  I don’t care about being REGULAR!
RF:  I’m with Dave!  It’ll come out when if feels like it!  WOO!
HHH:   Eww…Dave, buddy, you’ve got a big problem, man, look at that expression on your face.  There’s only one way to change it!  And that’s the healthy way.
DBD:  I am on the Atkins DIET!
RO:  Oh, you are not!
DBD:  He is RIGHT!
RC:  Hi, I’m French-Canadian Sympathizer Rob Conway….
Crowd:   BOO?
RC:  Hunter is right, Dave.  Have you noticed a significant decrease in the passing of Buicks for my character lately?  I’ve only got one person to thank for that, and that’s my old friend, Branny McBranerbran.
RO:  This entire segment is disturbing.
HHH:  Are you saying good health is disturbing, Randy?
RO:  Look at you.  You’re either on roids or fat.  You’re the last person who should be distributing health adv…oh hell.
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!!

Bischoff and Regal are backstage with Eugene. 

EB:  William…can you come over here for a second?
WR:  Sure.  I’ll see you later, Eugene.
EG:  Yes.  I’m sure whatever you say over there won’t be nearly as disappointing as the redebut of “WrestleLine”.
EB:  The what of what?
EG:  Exactly.  Wow, look everybody!  It’s the columns nobody read the first time!
WR:  I say, I rather liked that Micasa, fellow.  
EG:  He didn’t come back.
WR:  Oh…well…eh?

They move away….

WR:  What’s going on, then?
EB:  Did you read Eugene’s website?
WR:  He has a website?
EB:  Well…he posts on 411.
WR:  Ugh….
EB:  Anyway, he says that Rock is coming here tonight. 
WR:  ROCK?!  Hahahahahahahahah…..
EB:  I know.  Seriously.  We’ll finally get rid of him.
WR:  I can’t wait.

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Kane v. Val Venis

Val comes out and the whole crowd goes “aw”.  Poor, Val.  Kane chokeslams Val and gets the win.  Matt Hardy runs out to try to take out Kane.  For dinner.  Matt is totally sick of Lita’s grime.  Kane is having a little trouble seeing under his brow tonight, though, and he punches Matt in the face.  Oops.  Lita runs out.

KN:  Do you have your answer?
LT:  Uh…just a second…”Sorry, Try Again Later”.
KN:  Try again now!!
LT:   Uh…ok …”Yes”.  Well…I guess the answer is “yes”!
KN:  Do you really mean it?
LT:   I said yes, didn’t I?
KN:  Oh, man!  I don’t know what to say?!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THE FREAKING QUESTION?!!?!  Do you like doughnuts?  Do you like my brow hair?  Are those fake?  Can I have a piece of cake?  Where are my pants?!  That doesn’t even make sense.  Where are my pants?  Yes?  OH YEAH!  GOOD JOB THERE WWE WRITERS!

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Get out and Vote, or else Bradshaw will main event for another four years.

Team CHARISMA~! v. Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For The World Tag Team Titles

Edge starts things off and roars at the audience.  The audience, however, is distracted by the giant “Meat” sign.  Where is Meat, anyway?  Isn’t it about time for one of those “Every Few Years Stasiak Runs”?  My Wrestler Return Calender is all off.  Benoit comes in and the crowd is all, “OMG BENOIT~!”  Hot damn, he’s almost over.  Randy and Dave argue over who is better at making people fall over.  Randy with his patented making people fall over or Dave Davidson with his pattented OSPREY BOMB.  I’m pretty sure the answer is “HHH”.

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Hey, this match is still going on!  I guess they couldn’t think of anything better?  Actually neither can I at the moment.  Except for maybe 23 minutes of Stacy.  Yeah.  That’s totally better.  What the hell are they thinking?  Me and the WWE, we could totally hook that up.  Man, come on.  Now I’ve lost interest in this match.  Edge starts crying tears of blood, but nobody notices but Lawler.  When Lawler is the only guy who cares about your miracles, and you’re a dude, your career is in big trouble.  Edge tags in Benoit, and things get crazy go nuts, as the Dance Dance World champion German suplexes everyone onto their heads.  After a little bit of running around, Dave hits the Osprey Bomb to Orton, and Benoit gets the pin.  Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.

Regal is backstage with Eugene.

WR:  The Rock.  Feh.  You’re in for it tonight, chap.
EG:  No, no!  I heard from a guy who heard from a guy who read on this one Geocities site that Rock is totally going to be there.
WR:  Oh, just shut up, would you?

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Todd Grisham is in the ring with Eugene.

TG:  Eug….

Jonathan Coachman is out.  I’m deeply disturbed that he’s got a video package and theme.  He’s slowly moving from “Urkel” to “Carl Winslow”.  I’m just sayin’.  Grisham runs away.

JC:  What’s happin’, yo?!
EG:  See?  It’s The Rock!!
JC:  I’m not the Rock, you tool.
EG:  Uh…Oh…I’m sorry, Mister Coachman.  I must have been distracted by your male pattern baldness.
JC:  Don’t you even start!

The MUSIC HITS!

JR:  BY GAWD!  BY GAWD!  MAVEN IS BACK!!
MV:  That’s right, JR.  I’m finally back!

The Rock comes out.

TR:  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Suckers!!  You thought I wasn’t going to come out, but I totally did.  You are all huge losers and I hate you.  And as soon as this fricking contract runs out I’m totally forgetting all of you and running away!
JC:  How’d Walking Tall do, Rock?
TR:  Uh…I mean…PEOPLES CHAMP!  Yeah!  The Rock, DADDY!  Strudel and Lillian and all that jazz!  Yeah!  Say, have any of you all seen a Sort of Pissed-Off Fish and a Jade Gopher run through here?
EG:  No, I don’t believe I have, Mr.  The Rock.
TR:  Ah!  The man whose Job I came here to save!  Mick Foley!
EG:   Uh…I’m Eugene.  Eugene Dinsmore, Esquire!
TR:  Oh…uh…I just figured, the only ugly fat dude who has mental difficulties allowed in this sport was….
EG:  Bastion Booger?  ShockMaster?  Earthquake?
TR:  Man, don’t be makin’ Earthquake jokes.
JC:  Rock, are you going to do anything now that you’ve come back or are you just going to sit there?
TR:  I’m gonna do something!  Oh yeah!  I’m going to knock that hair straight off your face!  Oh wait!  Too late!

Rock beats up Coach then Eugene drops the Nacho Elbow!  Coach is down!  I’m too distracted by the fact that he has more brow hair than he does head hair.  Garrison Cade runs out, but Rock and Eugene have already left, so he just pouts.

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Triple H v. Maven v. Chris Jericho v. Carl Winslow v. Some Ducks v. Kevin Nash v. Kane v. Shelton Benjamin v. Stevie Richards v. Johnny “Who’s Bettah Than” Nitro v. DDP v. Hurricane v. Rosey v. Matlock v. Val Venis v. Rob Conway v. Tim Conway v. Tim Duncan v. Bobby Duncum Jr. v. Sylvan Grenier v. Rhyno v. Ric Flair v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Randy Orton v. Edge v. Jeff Jarrett v. Widget The World Watcher v. Keith v. Pidge v. Hunk v. Lance v. Allura
For the # 1 Contendership

I can’t believe they let a girl in.  Damn you, Allura!  Stevie and Nitro see each other and explode.  Aw crap!  Ok, the bell ri….

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I said the be….

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The bell rings an….

Whew.  Hey!  The only people left are Jericho, Kane, Widget, and Evil Collusion.  What the hell!?  If I pay to see a battle royal, I want to SEE the battle royal.  Ok…so I didn’t technically pay to see this.  But I DID pay for this Dr. Pepper, and that’s CLOSE ENOUGH MY FRIENDS!

Widget senses pollution  in Mozambique and takes off.  God speed, you little purple alien…thing.  Teach them all a lesson on cleaner living…or recycling…or not drinking and driving…or whatever the hell it is that you normally talk about.  Orton lays on the ground for a while, but he is devastated when Evolution all take turns hitting him with their finishers, and then combine to throw him out.  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  AGAIN!  Kane then clears the ring of Dave, Flair and Jericho by lighting them on fire and having them jump over the top rope.  Unfortunately, Jericho isn’t watching where he’s going, and he ends up impaling himself of a giant pike.  You’ve got to watch that, dude.  Giant pikes are a definite occupational hazzard.  For all J.R. and Lawler’s debating on whether or not he’s actually eliminated, Jericho’s body slides down the pole and both his feet touch the ground.  Damn.  I guess it’s down to Hunter and Kane.  Who wants it more?

The answer is of course Shawn Michaels, who prances down the steps and kicks HHH in the face, and then eliminates him.  Shawn dances around for a while, and then eliminates himself.  Kane takes the opportunity to win the match while asleep in the corner.  Kane is going to the PPV and he couldn’t look stronger!  He barely had to work to win this match!  Imagine how rested up he’ll be!

Next Week:  Kane adds to his new stable by taking in Rhyno, gaining valuable incite into how the broken neck works.  Shawn Michaels explains that he was never actually deactivated, because he wasn’t the droid Eric were looking for.  The Rock continues his unlikely comeback as Prince Namor, Ruler of the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis by challenging Hirohito to a match.  Too bad nobody told him that gimmick was cancelled, huh?

E-MAIL MATT    
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