by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

We begin in the locker room of Evolution where things is goin’ down.

HHH:  I can’t believe Shawn Michaels had the NERVE to show up on the show last week.
RF:  That’s ok, I took his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY!  WOOO!
HHH:  How is Whyspyr?
RF:  She could stand to lay off the Cheetos!  WOO!
DBD:  I enjoy eating CHEETOS!
RO:  You should eat a few MORE, dude.  That 20 pack you’re carrying is NASTY.
HHH:  As much as it pains me to say Randy’s right.  Nobody took me seriously until I sized down to the one pack.
RO:  Yeah you stupid bitch.
DBD:  I am not a stupid BITCH!
RO:  Are too!
DBD:  Am NOT!
RO:  Are too!
RF:   Am WOO!
DBD:  Am NOT!
RO:  Are too!
DBD:  Am NOT!
RO:  Are too!
DBD:  Am NOT!
HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  Don’t mess with Dave.
DBD:  Thank you, HUNTER!
HHH:  He was asking for it.  Ric, you’ve got a match coming up with Edge, drag Randy out there with you, maybe if we’re lucky he’ll get killed.  Dave, you stay here with me, and when Shawn shows up we’ll kick him in the face.
DBD:  Our legs are not so GOOD!
HHH:  You’re right.  Uh…we’ll punch him then.
RF:  AnothermatchUghfrickingamanIcan’twrestleforcrapanymore goddamnwherethehellismypension…

Edge v. Ric Flair (w/ Randy Orton)

Flair dumps Randy off onto Lillian.  Edge charges out and tries to fire up the audience, but it isn’t until 12 minutes into the match that anybody notices that he’s there.  Flair turns his attention from chopping Bret Bretterson, Popcorn SalesGuy to begging off of Edge.  Edge hits his awesome finisher the Diamond Space Flying Tiger Dragon Drop Spinning Bacon Double Shark Fin Deluxe Dropping Pin Cushion, but the crowd just thinks he and Flair fell over and starts chanting “Orton Sucks”.  Randy Wins!  Shelton Benjamin is just not having ANY of that, however, so he runs out to challenge the referee’s decision.  While they are arguing, nobody notices Edge roll Flair up for the pin.  The referee reverses his original decision and awards the match to himself.  Shelton and Mike Chioda celebrate.

HHH and Batista have given up searching for Shawn Michaels and are now searching for booze.

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Vince McMahon is there.  Wow!  His second really important appearance in a few months!  What possibly could he have to say?

VM:  Uh…I’m really sick of banging the girls that we got.  If you’ve got big titties or a nice ass, give Uncle Vince a call.  Soon you too can be appearing on Ohio Valley TV and having sex with me and J.R. in maintenance closets!  Huzzah!
J.R.:  Send in pics and videos BY GAWD!

Todd Grisham is standing outside Lita’s locker room.

TG:  Why do I feel like Dean Malenko?  Uh…hey, ya’ll.  Lita is getting dressed just behind this door.  Hopefully, she’ll come out eventually and I can hound her until she tells me what the hell the question she answered last week was.
MH:  Hey, Todd.
TG:  Matt Hardy!  Perhaps you can tell us what the question was?
MH:  Which question?
TG:  The one Kane asked Lita last week.
MH:  Oh…uh…I think it was something about Jesus…or maybe Thai food…?
TG:  And the answer was “yes”?
MH:  Uh…yeah.

Lita comes out with a towel on her head.

JBL:  I’m comin’ after ya!
MH:  Bradshaw!  That’s Lita!  She just came out of the shower.
JBL:  Oh.  Sorry.  I’ll leave now.
LT:  Matt, no matter what happened last weekend, I love you.
TG:  Lita!  What was the quest….
MH:  I love you too, Lita.
TG:  The questio….
MH:  VeeeOoooonnnaaaah!
LT:  What was that all about?
MH:  I’m…uh…trying to keep up my street cred.
LT:  Oh…Can I have some of yours?
MH:  No.
TG:  Hi, I’m Todd Grisham and I was wonderi….
LT:  I’m going to go dry off.
TG:  Dammit, come back here and explain this angle!

Lita goes into her locker room…where there’s a camera waiting?  WTF?!

LT:  How long has this camera been here?
CG:  Just long enough to get all the footage I want, ma’am.
LT:  Get out of here, you’re fired!
CG:  Uhh…I’m Union.
LT:  Damn.
KN:   Liiiiiitaaaa!
LT:  AH!  Kane!  You said this would all be over if I just said yes.  And I did it, ok?
KN:  Oh…you did?  Well…ok then.  See you later.
LT:  How long have YOU been in here?
KN:  Uh…hehehe…What day is it today?
LT:  Ok, that’s it, I’ve had enough of people stalking me in my locker room.
DM:  Aw, come on, baby….

Lita storms off dragging Matt with her.

TG:  What DID YOU DO?!  GODDAMMIT COME BACK HERE AND SPELL THINGS OUT FOR ME!!!

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HHH and Dave are now outside.

HHH:  Dude, I thought you were like, 40.
DBD:  I AM!
HHH:  Then why did your license say you were 13?
DBD:  That was my FAKE!
HHH:  You have a fake that says you’re too young to drink?
DBD:  I need it to get McDonalds to let me into PLAYLAND!
HHH:  Oh, damn.  Good idea, dude.  I never thought of that.  It still sucks that we got thrown out because I was serving alcohol to a minor.
DBD:  Is my new gimmick that I dig up THINGS?!
HHH:  Maybe…I’m not sure.  HEY!  IT’S SHAWN MICHAELS!

Dave and Hunter run over and start punching Shawn Michaels in the face.  But it’s not Shawn Michaels at all, it’s Stevie Richards!!

SR:  Dude…what the hell?!  It’s me!  Stevie Richards!!
DBD:  WHO?!
HHH:  Stevie?!  Dammit…what the hell are you doing dressing in a Jesus shirt and shaving the front of your hair?
SR:  I dunno…I guess I picked a bad day to try a new style?
DBD:  I thought you were DEAD!
HHH:  Yeah, didn’t you, like, explode when you saw Johnny “Judy Bagwell on a Pole” Nitro?
SR:  Yeah…Totally.
TG:  NOTHING ON THIS SHOW MAKES ANY FRICKING SENSE!!!!

Grisham jumps off the roof.

HHH:  What the hell was his problem?
SR:  Hell if I know 

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J.R. suggests that Shawn turn on his TV in his car and see that HHH is trying to kill him.  Firstly, if Shawn doesn’t have his TV on, he CAN’T HEAR YOU!  Secondly, I guess it’s a great idea, if you want Shawn to crash and die while he’s watching TV and driving.  I guess…yeah, he’d never get to the arena to get beat up.

Suga Rosey and The Hurricane v. La Resistance

Hot damn!  I was hoping I wouldn’t have to watch Heat to get my weekly fix of this match.  The crowd is on like it’s an Edge match, yo.  Conway hits Hurricane with an illegal closed fist.  HEY!  Didn’t the WWE make a big deal about how dangerous that was a few months ago?  And aren’t I the only one who remembers that?  Well…uh…ok, I swear that I was going somewhere with that.  Oh well.  Hey, that was the finish.  Well, it was great while it lasted.  I love you Heat!

Dave has disappeared.  Uh…somebody should try looking for him.  HHH is all alone.  Using this as his distraction, Shawn waits until he has the “Prance” signal and then Prances across the street to take down HHH.  Soon the parking lot is filled with referees, officials, and wrestlers trying to separate HHH. 

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It’s time for the Highlight Reel.

CJ:  My guest tonight is the one, the only, the Legend Killer, RANDY ORTON!
RO:  Uggmfflll…Mittens?
CJ:  Uh…until Randy stops being knocked out, allow me to continue this feud that was supposed to be over.  Uh…Hey, Christian, I guess CLB stands for Taking A Vacation, huh?  Wait…that doesn’t make sense…Caking Long Break?  Can’t…Like…Bananas?
RO:  That catchphrase is NEVER getting over, you jackass.
CJ:  Oh, it’s nice to see you not dead, Randall.
RO:  Arg…I’m tired of getting Pedigreed every week.
CJ:  Well, instead of doing nothing why don’t you feud with Shelton Benjamin?
RO:  Geez…Yeah, I guess maybe that’d get me Pedigreed less.  I could stop hanging around Hunter and mugging for camera time.
CJ:  Or you could call out people who aren’t around!
RO:  I hate you, STEVE AUSTIN!

…

CJ:  I guess…uh…the crowd forgot who he was.

Batista runs out and attacks Jericho for being so PRETTY.  Shelton Benjamin runs out to try to get Orton to give him the Intercontinental Title.  That doesn’t go so well.  Eric Bischoff comes out and tells them that nobody cares about their petty difficulties.  Dave says “ L “

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Randy Orton v. Chris Jericho and Shelton Benjamin

Randy tries to increase the WORKRATE~! of the match with a CHINLOCK~! but he gets frustrated when nobody falls over.  Dave starts working Jericho’s arm, so that Chris can’t eat anything during the break in the match that’s coming up a little later.  Damn, that’s some mean-ass strategy.  He goes for the Osprey Bomb, but Jericho slips out and tags to Shelton.  Things begin to break down as Randy wanders off to try to find Steve Austin and Dave, Shelton and Chris argue over who will pay for the nachos.  It’s break time, I’m going to go get something to eat.

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I can’t afford my quarter of the nachos.  Damn.  I need to find a frickin’ job.  Trish joins the commentary team, and things get Crazy Go Nuts, when she doesn’t say a word the whole time.  That’s tremendous.  I think they should do a whole set of commentators who don’t say anything.  Either that or swap in the Spanish Commentators, they make even women’s matches seem exciting.  Jericho and Batista battle up the aisle, leaving Orton and Benjamin alone in the ring.  Orton concentrates REALLY hard on making Shelton fall over, but Shelton counters that by miraculously staying on his feet and powerslamming Randy.  Shelton wins!  Shelton is probably the #1 contender for the Intercontinental Title!!  Edge will be sad to hear that.

Jericho tries to grab Trish’s ass.   Before he can get him a piece, Tyson Tomko runs out and powerbombs Jericho through the announce table.  NO!  NO!  You’re supposed to take the TVs out!  You bastard!  What the hell do they teach these guys over in Ohio Valley?!  Damn!  He’s not even a snazzy dresser like Mordecai.  Jericho is knocked out.  Well, this was Tyson’s big moment.  I hope he Tivo’d it.

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Kane runs out and grabs the mic.

KN:  Benoit…Benooooooiiiiiiit!!  You’re a part of my crappy angle now!  Hahahahahaha…I bet it really sucks to be you now huh?  You thought Eddie had it bad over on Smackdown?  Welcome to the WORLD OF KANE!!!  A black hole that you’ll never be able to get out of!  But if you want, before you’re sucked into the black hole, I could help you with your teeth.

That’s nice.  Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels is in Eric Bischoff’s office.

EB:  You’ve got to stop fighting with people.
SM:  This isn’t wrestling?
EB:  Well it is…but…Do you want me to re-deactivate you?!
SM:  All I want is the match that I want.
EB:  The kittens and unicorns pillow fight?
SM:  You heard me.

HHH jumps from his position on the ceiling on top of Shawn and Eric.  All three guys roll around for a while until they are separated by numerous officials and wrestlers.  Hunter is assessed a technical foul, and Shawn gets a free shot.  He chooses Skky.  Hmmm…I suppose that’s alright. 

Molly Holly (w/ Gail Kim) v. Victoria
For the WWE Women’s Title

Victoria…what the hell?!  Gone are the Russian lesbians and in is well…uh….this.

Go Go Go Go
Go Go Go Go
Go Ninja Go Ninja Go
Go Ninja Go Ninja Go

Victoria does some of the worst grinding up on stage I’ve seen since the last time I went and saw Your Mom at a strip club.  What the hell, does she think they’re bringing back the Nitro Girls?  Hot damn.  In any event, I figure that nobody gives to craps about this match, so I’ll address an issue that many people have asked me about lately.  Yes, I am still the WWE Stacy Champion, and no, Mr. McMahon will not be stripping me of the title.  I know that it has been more than 30 days since I’ve defended it, but I’m exempt from that rule, because I’m too awesome to follow the rules of the WWE.  Way too awesome.  Maybe I’ll have a match at WWE RAW Presents Bagged Groceries.  Anyway, the commentators ignore the fact that Gail Kim keeps making Victoria tap out to focus on tapping Victoria’s bountiful ass.  At least she’s not making out with 9 year olds anymore, I guess.  Victoria wins by hitting the Widow’s Peak on Molly and then on Gail.  Everybody has boobies. 

You know this is one of those RAWs I wish I had on tape.  That crappy booty dance is something I could rewind again and again and again and NEVER get sick of laughing at.

Over on Smackdown:  Eddie Guererro fell over.  Wow!  Randy Orton is the KING OF WRESTLING!

Bischoff calls a meeting of all the WWE RAW superstars.  Oh, man, somebody is in TROUBLE!  I bet it’s A-Train.  He’s probably been stealing cookies from everybody’s lunch.  Really, he should know better than that.  And how does he know if those cookies are kosher?  Does he even bother checking?  You make me sick, A-Train.

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Bischoff addresses the masses….

EB:  You all make me sick.  The A-Trains, the Chuck Palumbos, the Rosies of this world…you guys have GOT to do a better job of separating backstage brawls.  Think about it, you guys, it’s the only freaking way you’re going to get on TV.  So come on!  Step up!  I see the women didn’t show up, and that’s ok.  I want these brawls aired on TSN.  And you Ducks, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  Quit quacking to me about having to job to the Geese and start pulling HHH off of Shawn Michaels!  THIS I COMMAND!

HHH and Shawn Michaels brawl past in the background.

Meanwhile, elsewhere….

WR:  Eugene, why didn’t we show up at the meeting?
EG:  All they’re going to tell us is to work like HHH.
WR:  We’re supposed to lumber about?
EG:  I guess.  Excuse me, I’m going to go find some Cheetos in preparation of tonight’s tag match.
WR:  Yes, I’m so looking forward to turning on you…I mean tagging with you.
JN:  Not so fast!  William Regal, I’m suspending you for missing the meeting!
WR:  WHAT?!  But…but…Eugene missed the meeting too!
JN:  Yes, but he brought a permission slip.
WR:  Let me see that!  “Eugene cannot attend tonight’s meeting because he’s going to be distracting William Regal from attending it so that William can’t wrestle.  –Mrs. Cauliflower J. Bischoff-Dinsmore”  Your mom’s name is Cauliflower?
EG:  A little known fact that Eric’s real name is Broccoli.  My grandparents were either hippies or really big Dragon Ball Z fans.
WR:  Either way…ew.

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Eugene and ??? v. Jonathan Coachman and Garrison Cade

Who will be his partner?  Will it be the mysterious and untrustworthy ??? ?  or will it be A-Train?  Will it be me?  No.  It’s….

Eugene and Chris Benoit v. Jonathan Coachman and Garrison Cade

Eugene doubles over with joy.

CB:  That’s right!  I figure if I’m already in deep with that Kane angle, I might as well sink a little deeper.
EG:  OMG BENOIT~!
JC:  Eugene, did you wet your pants?
EG:  Err…yeah…that’s it.  I wet…my pants….

Eugene humps Benoit’s leg to start the match.  WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda has a hard time keeping track of who is legal.  Benoit finally shakes Eugene and runs across the ring to take down Coach.  Coach should get some of that magic hair regrowth crap they advertise at 2 a.m. on TV.  I think that’d be awesome.  Cade gets a few shots in, but Benoit isn’t having any of that.  He’s tired of jobbing to Jeff Jarrett.  Finally, Chris nails a diving headbutt.  Eugene falls off the top rope and picks up the win.  Benoit mutters to himself that at least it’s better than Edge.

Michaels and HHH are playing a hardcore game of Checkers backstage.  Officials and wrestlers break it up.

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HHH is out in the ring.

HHH:  Shawn!  I’m tired of fighting backstage!  You either come out to the ring, or else we’ll have nothing to do for the rest of the show!  Maybe I could talk about Nibblins….

That was enough to get Shawn Michaels to prance out and start brawling with Hunter again.  Evolution tries to come to Hunter’s aid, but they’re cut off by Benoit, Edge, Eugene and Funaki.   Funaki?!  You’re in the wrong locker room clearing brawl, dude!  Oh well.  I guess it doesn’t matter.  HHH and Shawn continue to fight, so Bischoff calls down the cavalry.  The horses are a nice effect, but A-Train is absolutely killing that poor thing.  Pretty soon the whole locker room is out there brawling.  It’s funny to watch Mike Chioda and Chad Patton duking it out.  Almost as fun as watching Stacy and Tough Enough Jessie dyk…woah, I almost walked right into that one.  Anyway, the climax of this segment…hehehehe…climax…Uh…is when Eric Bischoff announces that at Bagged Groceries it will be HHH v. Shawn Michaels Kittens and Unicorns Pillow Fight…in THE CELL!!  WOAH!

Next Week:  Randy Orton discovers that the stuff on his bread is not butter, and he can’t BELIEVE IT!  Kane comes at Chris Benoit with some dentures.  The Rock returns because he forgot his pants.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 3:  Where Did You Say You Got Those Papayas?

RVD:  Duuuuude…where the hell have we been for the past two weeks?
LS:  I don’t know because you ATE THE MAP!
RVD:  No I did not!
TD:  Yes you did.  You said, “Duuuude, I’ve got the munchies.” And then you grabbed the map and ate it.
RVD:   Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Of course that never would have happened if you wouldn’t have poured ketchup all over it, Tommy.
TD:  Oh…yeah…well…I was trying to draw a little line showing where we’ve been.
LS:  You couldn’t have used a PEN?!
TD:  Why do you always have to pick on me?!
TM:  Hello, strangers.  What are you doing out in the middle of the forrest?
RVD:  We’re eating maps!  Yeah!  All right!!
TM:  Is your friend here under the influence.
LS:  Friend?!  Oh, I don’t know who the hell this is.  Honestly.
TM:  Are you all wearing Wrestling gear?
TD:  Who wants to know?
TM:  It’s me!  The Mountie!!
LS:  The who?
TM:   Not who!  The Mountie!  Former WWF Intercontinental Champion!
RVD:  Get the F out, dude.
TM:  No!  Seriously!  Wow!  Real wrestlers out here in the Canadian Wilderness.  Let’s all sing my theme!  “I’m the Mountie, I’m handsome I’m strong I’m brave…”
LS:  Wait…we’re in Canada?
TM:  Yah, eh.
LS:  Woah, I’m almost home!  Screw you guys and screw the jade gopher!  I’m out of here!
TM:  Did you just say Jade Gopher?
LS:  I’m starting to wish I hadn’t.
TM:  Come with me!  I know just where to look!

They follow The Mountie to his shanty.

RVD:  Duuuude, you didn’t save any money from your WWE career did you?
TM:  WW…E?
TD:  Never mind that, where’s the gopher?
TM:  I’ve been watching my TV here, and there was a news story about a sort of ticked off fish that robbed a bank by hitting all the clerks with a gopher made from solid jade.
LS:  Oh, that’s just ridiculous.
TM:  Uh huh,  I thought so  too, until I saw him speeding off on a motorcycle.
LS:  FISH CAN NOT DRIVE MOTORCYCLES!!
TM:  Oh, he wasn’t driving.  The jade gopher was.
LS:  ARGH!
RVD:  Duuuude…Can you get WWE Bad Bud, on here?  I heard it’s going to blow my mind, man.
TM:  Are you sure your friend isn’t high?
RVD:  Just high on weed, dude!
TM:  That’s it you’re all under arrest.

Later that night, in jail….

RVD:  Duuude…sorry man.
LS:  Sorry doesn’t cut it!  I wish I was still the janitor at The World.
TD:  That was you?!  Sorry about all that blood I spilt there when I was getting HARDCORE IN THE BATHROOM!
LS:  How do you get hardcore in the bathroom?
TD:  A guy has to pick his nose SOMEWHERE private.
TM:  Do you have anything to declare before I riffle through your possessions?
LS:  Like fruit or whatever?  No.
TD:  I have some papayas.
RVD:  You never told me that!
TM:  Papayas?
TD:  Yeah…they’re like little fruits.
LS:  Where were the gopher and the fish headed.
TM:  Uh…Montreal?
LS:  WHY?!
TM:  Hmmm…these smell vaguely like…urine?
TD:  Yeah.  Urine Drenched Papayas.  They’re a delicacy in Yonkers.
RVD:  Duuuude…We should go look for the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis.
LS:  WE DID THAT ALREADY!
TM:  They’re ticking…Where did you say you got those papayas?

The papayas explode and the jail cell door opens up.

TD:  Hahaha!  The old exploding papayas trick.  Come on!  To Montreal!!
LS:  Ick…No way….
RVD:  If you’re not coming, we’re TAKING you!

Rob hits Lance with a chair and he and Tommy drag him off into a police car.  Meanwhile, something is stirring in the rubble of the police station.

TM:  The Mountie…ALWAYS…Gets his man!  Er…MEN!

To Be Continued….

E-MAIL MATT    
BROWSE THE RAW SATIRE ARCHIVES

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