by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

(Opening Credits)

The show starts off as every show should, with the entrance of My Darling Stacy.  What could she possibly have to say?  Let’s find out, shall we?

MDS:  Sunday night, My Darling Matt will be defending me in what is sure to be a huge contest scheduled for at least one fall.  It’ll be Matt Hocking verses Hollywood Starlet Keira Knightley in a Pudding Match.  And for those of you who say that Keira isn’t a WWE superstar can shut the hell up.  Oh, and remember, if you’re a hot bitch send us pictures.  Remember, the e-mail address for the WWE Diva Search is [email protected].  

Then she bends over and shows everybody her ass.  That’s my girl.  Then Gail Kim runs out…to wrestle.  Oh HELL NO!

Gail Kim v. Lita

Gail is the #1 Contender for the Women’s Title don’t you know.  Of course you didn’t, because nobody cares about the friggin’ Women’s Title.  Geez.  About the only thing that would get ME to care is if the women’s title was attached in some way to an annoying song. GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO  Nope, still not doing it.  Oh well.  Gail frowns as she remembers that just scant months ago she was nearly almost kind of getting over.  Nearly.  Ok, that’s a lie.  I’ve lied and I’m sorry.  Ok, that’s a lie too.  A sign asks, “Where’s Shane?”  Uh…Heat, maybe?  I haven’t checked the spoilers yet.  I’ve got to tell at least some of you, I was watching that NWA thing, and that Six-Sided ring thing…it sucks.  Lita hits Gail with some crappy punches and gets the win.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with Johnny “Nitro” Nitro and The Coach.

EB:  Coach, at Bagged Groceries you’re going to be fighting Eugene.
JC:  Do I have to?!
EB:  Yes.  Or else my sister will yell at me.
JN:  What the hell am I going to do?
EB:  You could always sort my shoes.
JC:  Man, can’t I be the one to sort your shoes?
EB:  Stuff it, Carl.
JN:  No, I mean I want to wrestle in a match.
EB:  Ok…ok…Uh…you can wrestle Eugene tonight.  But if you lose..uhhh…Carl here gets to kill you.
JN:  I don’t like that plan at all.
JC:  Get to steppin’, bitch.
JN:  Aw crap.

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair) v. Shelton Benjamin

Geez, I wish I cared about hockey at this point.  Dave has been taking classes in posing like a dumbass.  “Look at how big my arms ARE.”  You know, it’s funny.  I like Dave, but whenever I see him, his head looks more in danger of exploding, yet it always looks 100x smaller.  Shelton knocks out Triple Naitch to start.  Damn.  That’s just not very nice.  Randy Orton comes out to try to get somebody to fall over.  Shelton fights with Dave for a while, but ends up getting hit with the Osprey Bomb for the three.  Then Randy hits Shelton with Dave’s dictionary.  Dave is pissed becayse, “Dictionaries are for learning not HITTING.”  So, Ric and Dave take turns helping Randy “learn” how much it hurts to get a Dictionary shoved into your face.

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Edge and Chris Benoit are backstage.  OMG BENOIT~!  Are they trying to be…witty??

ED:  Oh, hey, it’s Chris Benoit.  Aren’t you awesome?  I bet you could get somebody to tap out, huh?
CB:  Yeah.  Just as much as you could pin somebody after a spear, huh?
ED:  Yeah, well try not to be a big stupid dumbass.
CB:  I will!  You try not to break your nose by running into my fist.
ED:  Oh yeah, REAL cool, Chris DORKWAH!
CB:  You’re really DULL, Edge.
ED:  Oh yeah?  Well…uh…’Sup biggidies?
JC:  What’s up guys?  Showing off our CHARISMA~!?
ED:  Shut up.
CB:  Shut up.
JC:  That’s it, I’m booking a handicap match!  Chris Benoit v. La Resistance.
CB:  You can’t do that!
JC:  Yes I can.
CB:  Damn.

Todd Grisham runs into the room and slits his wrists.

TG:  Where’s your continuity NOW?!  WHERE’S YOUR CONTINUITY NOW?!
CB:  Whoa…settle down, dude.

Meanwhile, somewhere, Bischoff stands by with Trish and Tyson Tomko.

EB:  Tell me again what you’ve done with Chris Tian?
TT:  I…Tivo’d…him.
TS:  Shut up, Tyson.  He went fishing with Tajiri.  Then, they…uh…got shipwrecked on a deserted island.
EB:  Oh…so there’s ice cream involved.
TS:  Uh…no.
EB:  Oh.  Damn.  Hey, Tyson, how do you feel about a match with Chris Jericho?
TT:  Eh?
EB:  Great!  It’s settled.
KN:  Hi, everybody.
EB:  I was JUST thinking this show needed a little more Kane.
KN:  I need to talk to Eric…ALONE!
TS:  All right.  Screw you.  Let’s go, Tyson.
CGS:  Hi.  I’m Camera Guy Steve.  I’m not a real person.  So, I can stay right?
KN:  I…guess…well…uh…No, no.  Wait.  I’m pretty sure I don’t want you to stay.
CGS:  I’M NOT REAL!  I’M JUST A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION!
KN:  Go away.
CGS:  Huh.  That’s mean of them to acknowledge me.

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Chris Jericho v. A-Train

HELL YEAH IT’S THE FRICKIN’ A-TRAIN!  I DON’T CARE WHAT Y’ALL SAY!  I THINK A-TRAIN IS AWESOME!  HE’S THE BEST THING GOING!  UNDERTAKER WAS RIGHT!  HE SHOULD GET A PUSH!  AND..AND…Jericho wins?  What the hell?  I hate you WWE!

On Smackdown:  BOOBIES~!

Hey!  It’s Triple H!

(ads)

That must be really boring for the live audience.  It’s just been HHH standing in the ring with his music blaring for three minutes.  It reminds me of the time I went to a Nitro and Sandman just stood in the ring for five minutes calling out Bam Bam Bigalow.  I felt so bad for the poor guy.  It was like:  “Hey!  Bigalow!  Come out!  Yeah, that’s right!  I’m looking for you…uh…I’m just going to wait here until you come out!  What are you…like…a chicken?  I said come out!  COME OUT!  Come…OUT!  I know you’re…you’re…uh…back there…are we out of commercial yet?  God….”

HHH:  And that’s how Nibblins and I caught the smugglers in the cave and now I’d like to make fun of Shawn Michaels and how big a fan of God he is because I don’t see any gods around here except Me, I’M the only god I see around here and we’re going to hell that’s right KITTENS AND UNICORNS IN A CELL biatch!  But hopefully, you and Orton will kill each other.  That’d be great.  Now I’m going to go upstairs. 

HHH goes up to a skybox.  He tells a waitress to feed him grapes and she shoves a $200 piece of cheese into his eye.

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La Resistance v. Chris Benoit

Benoit calls in both members of La Resistance, but he gets beat up.  Dumbass.  Geez.  You can only do that if you’re over seven feet.  You’ve gotta try being over six, Chrissy.  Edge runs in and stands around.  Eric Bischoff has seen quite enough.

EB:  I’ve seen quite enough!
ED:  Of what?
EB:  Of you.  As of right now, it will be Chris Benoit and Edge versus La Resistance and a partner.  Plus, now Benoit is having TWO matches at the Pay Per View.
CB:  Say what?  Dammit, Edge.
EB:  And their partner…THE BIG SHOW!

….

EB:  No?  Well fine.  I guess it’ll have to be Kane, then. I’m tired of him sitting around complaining about RAW needing more of him anyway.

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La Resitance and Kane v. Team CHARISMA~!

Team Charisma and La Resistance fight for a while.  It’s back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for quite some time, until Kane lights them all on fire and wins the match.  I didn’t know this was by inferno rules.  Neato.  If Kane can light Benoit on fire, surely we’ll have a new World Champion.  That’s right.  Shannon Moore.

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Johnny “Nitro” Nitro v. Eugene Dinsmore (w/ William Regal)

So, if Nitro loses this match he’s fired.  Huh.  That’s crazy go nuts.  Nitro tries some of that flippy crap he learned on Tough Enough, but Eugene counters by being too fat to feel the pain.  Eugene takes a page out of the WWE past and nails Nitro in the face with somebody’s prosthetic leg.  Eugene wins.  I’m sorry, Johnny.  Maybe they’re looking for a Stevie Richards over on TNA.  Regal claps politely.  Eugene, however, is highly disappointed as this segment has nothing to do with him humping Chris Benoit.  **

Up on the ramp, Coach falls over.  ORTON WINS~!

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Lita is backstage on the phone with Matt Hardy.

LT:  Where the hell are you?  What do you MEAN you’re still selling Kane’s attack?  I never knew you were such a wimp.  I’m going for the Women’s title now because the WWE thinks Gail Kim is stupid.  What do you MEAN you don’t care about the Women’s Title?
KN:  I care about the Women’s Title.
LT:  AH!  It’s KANE!
KN:  So…uh…wanna go eat cookie dough and talk about boys?
LT:  Uh…No.
KN:  Fine, I guess Dave and I will have to do it alone.

Randy comes out.  Evolution boos and throws things at him.

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Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn prances out to make this a match.  What the title isn’t on the line?  Pfft.  Randy and Shawn battle back and fourth for a little while.

HHH:  BOOO!
DBD:  You guys are the ones who SUCK!
RF:  I took your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, FAT BOY!!  WOO!
HHH:  Booooooring!  Booooring!  These guys are such marks.
RF:  Say that again and I’ll cut you.

Shawn locks in the Figure Four and Ric Flair explodes.  HHH is sick of this match so he sends Dave down to beat everyone up.

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Dave hits Shawn and Shawn bleeds.  NO!  Save it for the PPV!  Then Dave nails the PEDIGREE TO ORTON!  HHH looks on approvingly.  Awww…he’s learning.  Shawn and Randy try to get back into the swing of the match, but the ref  calls for the bell, too much Batistaference.  Shawn nails everybody in the ring with a Superkick and then runs up the stairs.  He stops for some popcorn.  Then he continues up the stairs.  Then he stops for some cotton candy.  He continues up the stairs.  He stops for a soda.  He continues up the stairs.  He stops for a hotdog.  He continues up the stairs.  He gets to the skybox…but we’re out of time.

Sunday Night:  I defend the WWE Stacy Title in a bowl of pudding.  Chris Benoit and Kane start off their match with an intense promo.  And Shawn Michaels and Triple H get out their sticker books because it’s Kittens and Unicorns…IN THE CELL!

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter Five:  “Woah, What Happened to My Pants?”

LS:  Why are we even ON this boat?  The Jade Gopher and the fish were driving.  You know, ON LAND!
RVD:  I told you, dude, we’re looking for the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis.
LS:  WE FOUND THAT ALREADY!
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
TD:  Guys, do you hear that?
LS:  Hear what?
TD:  The sound of rushing water?
LS: Oh, God.  Where are we?
RVD:  Niagra Falls.  Yeah!  All Right!!

The boat crashes.

LS:  Ow.  What did we hit?
CT:  My deserted island.
RVD:  This sand is delicious.
TD:  No, Rob!  NO!  What have we told you about eating sand?
CT:  Don’t worry.  It’s graham cracker sand.  Uh…I’m pretty bored.  Do you guys want to go hang out in the hot fudge jacuzzi? 
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Christian, what the hell are you doing out in the middle of the water on a deserted island anyway?
CT:  Selling my injuries.  Besides, Trish, is smothering me.
TD:  I know how you feel.  I left Beulah at the bottom of Lake Michigan.
LS:  What the hell is that out in the water?
CT:  Just forget about it.  Let’s go over to the gumdrop forest and hit on the gingerbread women.
TD:  Oh yeah!  Look out gingerbread women, it’s time to get HARDCORE!
RVD:  Whoa, what happened to my pants?
LS:  Rob, you’ve never worn pants in your life.  You go everywhere in these stupid singlets.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!

In the water….

TM:  Where are those guys?  I just saw them a few minutes ago…Perhaps they saw me.  Damn…I thought this barrel would be inconspicuous.  Well, they’ll know soon enough that the Mountie…always…gets…his…Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn….

To be continued….

E-MAIL MATT    
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