by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Eric Bischoff decides that the one thing the show needs to start with is a little more Kane, baby!  And…by that…I don’t mean a literal Kane baby, because I know there’s a lot of that going around.  Kane thanks Eric for letting him onto the show early by eating Eric’s ENTIRE fruit tray (including the honeydew! And the tray).  Then Kane runs off.

(Opening Credits)

Jim Ross tells Triple H and Shawn Michaels that everybody is sick of them feuding, so they can either come out and shake hands like adults or take a time out.  Triple H comes out and pouts in a corner.  Shawn prances out and proudly extends his hand.  I’m so proud of him.  I’m sure that’s EXACTLY what Jesus would do. 

John 15:18-21

And Lo, the Christ pranced into hell and extended his hand unto Satan.

“Forsoothe,” said He, “You art truly the most evil of evils, but let’s stop fighting, the Catholics art getting sick of it.”

“I AM THE SATAN!  And I am THAT DAMN GOOOD-UH” sayeth the Devil.

“Prove me wrong,” sayeth Chris Benoit.

HHH isn’t sure what the hell is going on, so he just stands around and mugs for the camera.  Kane has had just about enough of the lack of him on this show.  Dude…it’s been what…FIVE whole minutes?!  Geez.  Hunter bails because he’s afraid of getting involved in yet another terrible Kane angle, but Shawn is too busy holding out his hand for HHH to shake that he hardly notices Kane beating him up.  I guess all that unicorn and kitten collecting has really taken its toll on Shawn, because he’s hardly fighting back.  Kane grabs Shawn’s hand and puts it in a chair.  OH MY GOD!  KANE JUST PILMANIZED SHAWN’S HAND!  SHAWN TOTALLY BROKE A NAIL THERE!  OH NO!  Shawn is so distraught that he breaks all the blood capsules in his mouth.  He just got those nails DONE dammit.  Shawn begins weeping and mumbling to himself that his career is over as the show goes to break.

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EMTs and officials try desperately to console Shawn over the cracked nail.  They load him into an ambulance to drive him to the hospital where Rick Scaia will work ‘round the clock to ease Shawn’s pain.  Maven shows up to say, “Ey!”

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That was it?  Maybe Spike TV could have a show called “That’s So Maven” where Maven shows up at random accident sites and says, “Ey.”  It’ll be gangbusters.

Holy crap!  This graphic says that it was MATT HARDY who attacked Shawn Michaels.  No?  Oh.  Damn you WWE graphics department!  Foiled again!

Tyson Tomko and Trish Stratus v. Matt Hardy and Lita

Matt Fact:  Matt Hardy attacked Shawn Michaels.

SEE?!  Pfft.  You know, if Lita thought she might be pregnant, she really shouldn’t be wrestling.  I mean, that’s why Mark Henry is still off TV, right?  Tyson tries to pick up Matt but he falls over instead.  Orton wins!!  But the match continues.  No respect for the rules.  Wait…Trish is the women’s champion?  Woah.  She doesn’t even have a nifty “GO GO GO GO” song.  Tyson shouldn’t TiVo this match.  Lita and Trish have at it for a while.  Trish goes for the Stratusfaction, but Lita counters by yelling, “Trish no!!  I may or may not be pregnant!!!”  Trish gives us, “Wha?”  It’s too bad Matt was listening to his MP3 player in the corner.  Lita rolls Trish up for the win.

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HHH is in Eric Bischoff’s office.

HHH:  Eric, can I borrow some mangos?
EB:  Unfortunately not, because Kane ate them all.
HHH:  Dammit.  Now I’ll never be able to make my mango chiffon.
EB:  So, do you want to be number 1 contender?
HHH:  Eh, not particularly.
EB:  You DON’T?
HHH:  Nah, it’s time to give other people a chance to run with the ball.
EB:  Woah.  That’s really adult of you, Hunter.
HHH:  Pfff…bahahahahahahahahahahaha
EB:  Hahahahahahahaha…
HHH:  Yeah…yeah….
EB:  Would you kick the crap out of Eugene for me?
HHH:  Yeah, sure.  Why not?
EB:  Yeah.  Kill that stupid fu…hold on, that’s my cell….

Then nothing happens for, like, 20 minutes.

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La Resistance v. Suga Rosie and The Hurricane
Flag Match

This isn’t a REAL Flag Match.  Geez, do I have to watch TNA to see a REAL flag match?  Friggin’ TNA?!!  Man, Heat really misses this feud.  J.R. says Rosie is bulking up which is OVW for “Lose some weight, fatass.”  Or else it means that he can’t feel pain.  “OH MY GAWD, KING!  ROSIE IS BULKING UP!”  I guess it’s not that, though, because he tags out to Hurricane.  In the end though, it’s Rosie who succumbs to gravity’s evil pull and goes down for a La Resistance win.  Then Grenier sings the USSR national anthem.

WWE Diva Search 2004!  Casting calls soon!  [email protected] for details!  I swear!

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Lita holds a Stone Cold Steve Austin home pregnancy test.  What will the Bottom Line say?  “Hell Yeah” or “Eh-EH”?

Chris Jericho is out.  I guess it’s time for the Highlight Reel.  Eugene is out with William Regal.  This should be interesting.

CJ:  Hey!  It’s Eugene!  Are you a big Chris Jericho fan, buddy?
EG:  I was when you were in WCW, but now you’re just a lame generic guy who blows too many spots.  When you’re a heel I long for your days as a face, but now when you’re a face I long for your heelish edginess.
CJ:  You mean when I’m a heel, I’m like Edge?
EG:  No.   You are the most stupid person I’ve ever had the displeasure of coming across.
CJ:  I hate you freaking net nerds.  How do you put up with this crap, Regal?
WR:  Huh?  Oh, sorry.  I tend to zone out when Eugene is around.

HHH comes out with the rest of Evolution….

HHH:  Hey, Jericho.  Go suck a plum, I’m working here.  How’s it going Eugene.
EG:  BACK SATAN!  BACK!
HHH:  No, no!  It’s ok.  I made Benoit the World Champion!  I’ve had a string of really great matches.  I’ve been putting over guys like Shelton and Tajiri, which is more than I can say for SOME people.
RO:  What?
DBD:  I’m sorry I hurt the little Japanese MAN.
EG:  I…umm…I…I don’t know what to say….
HHH:  Yeah!  Here, I brought you this autographed Chris Benoit T-Shirt and this picture of Ricky Steamboat.  You remember Ricky, right?  I loved Ricky Steamboat, in fact I stole one of his angles to help get over Kane and my buddy Shawn earlier.
RF:  STEAMBOAT?!  STEAMBOAT?!  I took his old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOO!
EG:  OMG BENOIT T-SHIRT~!
HHH:  Yeah.  You and I are good friends now, Eugene.
EG:  HHH deserves the World Title.
RO: NO!  Don’t do it!  He’ll just abuse you!  He beats up his friends!
HHH:  Oh yeah…Well….
EG:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!
HHH:  You son of a…Bischoff’s sister.  You are a great young man.
CJ:  Oh, God, this segment is awful.
WR:  Tell me about it.

Eugene and HHH do a dance.

Backstage in Lita’s dressing room.

MDS:  Hey, Lita!  I’m still a title.  I think they’re going to make me wrestle though.  Boo!
LT:  Hey, Stacy, can you keep a secret?
MDS:  Well, I can, but I’m not sure about this camera or the millions watching at home.
CGS:  Forget about me, and them.  It’s more like, five people anyway.
LT:  Well, what if Matt is watching?
MDS:  Hi, honey!
LT:  I mean Matt HARDY.
MDS:  Oh.  Is he STILL selling a fricking chokeslam?
CGS:  Forget about him.
LT:  Stacy, I’m pregnant!
MDS:  OH MY GOD!  I was pregnant one time!  You see, I was going to get married to David Flair, and David even left Daffney for me, but then I had an affair with Vince Russo….
LT:  Ick.
MDS:  I know, right, but it’s ok, because he’s a priest now.  Then I was pregnant, and I gave birth to a whole carriage full of pictures of Shawn Stasiak.  I wonder…if you’re dating Matt and the baby is Kane’s…then whose pictures will YOU give birth to?
LT:  Yeah…that’s…just what I was wondering too.

Around the corner, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall plot….

KN:  So she knows.
SH:  I hope it’s a foot.
KN:  Yes…a foot…our monster is moving ahead nicely.
SH:  It’s already imbued with the strength of Mark Henry and the vitality of Mae Young now it will have the resilience of Kane and a tattoo like Lita’s.
KN:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SH:  I’m worried though, Kev.
KN:  What’s wrong, Scott?
SH:  A hand and a foot?  When are we going to get a torso or something?
KN:  Good question.  I know where we can find a torso.
SH:  Where?
KN:  DOWN THERE!

Goldberg and Bret Hart are very offended.

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My Darling Stacy and Nidia? v. Gail Kim and Molly Holly

Nidia has quietly…very quietly…become Victoria.  Please make a note of it on your score sheets.  GO GO GO GO GO.  Molly and Nidia compare cup sizes while Gail locks in a couple submission moves on Stacy and gets the win.  Dammit.

On Smackdown:  Bradshaw killed Paul Heyman.  No wonder A-Train wanted out of there.

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Uh…

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Ok.

Ric Flair, Randy Orton and “Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Team CHARISMA~! and Chris Jericho

The announcers complain that all the women scream when Edge comes out.  I think they’re just scared because he’s still Canadian.  I mean, every one on that team is from Canada…but they’re NOT!  Evolution bails to go look for Dave’s dictionary.

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Dave is flipping through his dictionary to try to find out what a brooch was.  Everybody from team Not from Canada Except for That Bastard Edge hits their finishers on Dave.  It’s a pin, Batista.  Wait…this is an elimination match?  God, how long is this show going to run?  I’ve got things to do….Sigh…all right, all right.  Orton runs the ropes for a while, making Jericho dizzy.  Jericho loses his equilibrium…Oh NO!  Jericho falls over.  Orton wi…wait, Flair rolls in the ring and steals the pin from Randy.  Flair Wins.

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This is crazy go nuts.  They’re still going.  Josh Matthews rides in on a big white flying dog.  It’s the Never Ending Raaaaaaaaaaw…Edge dozes off and Orton pins him.  Poor Edge, he bored himself to a loss.  I suppose it doesn’t help that it’s so late though.  HHH is sick of this match so he runs in to go for the PEDIGREE TO ORTON, but he misses and accidentally Pedigrees Flair.  Oh no!  HHH cries tears of blood.  Then Benoit makes Randy tap out because the power of Randy is less than the power of Benoit.

Finally….

Next Week:  Triple H and Eugene square off in a contest that will set the entire internet afire.  Kane and Lita talk over what color the baby room will be, black and red or neon green and pink.  Shawn Michaels comes back and is all like, “What?”

Lance and Rob are Friends
Chapter Six:  “Ohio?  What the hell is in Ohio?”

Lance, Rob and Tommy are outside the town of Dayton, Ohio….

LS:  Why couldn’t I have just stayed in Canada?  I was almost home!
RVD:  Or on that edible island.  That was cool!!  Yeah!  All right!!
TD:  We got kicked off of Christian’s Dessert Island.
LS:  Because you ate one of his shirts.
RVD:  It tasted like butterscotch.
LS:  Guys, we should go over to that walking bush and find out who the hell is stalking us.

TM:  DAMMIT!  They have seen me again…

A car runs over a bush in the middle of the street.

LS:  Uh…never mind.  Well, what now?
TD:  We find the Jade Gopher, I guess.  Has anyone seen a Sort of Pissed Off Fish?!
RVD:  Let’s go burn down Rick Scaia’s house!
TD:  Hey!  It’s Ohio’s favorite son, Al Snow!
AS:  I’m on my way home from Heat, what are you guys doing here…in Ohio.
RVD:  Ohio?  What the hell is in Ohio?  Duuude, let’s go look for the Fabled Lost City of Atlantis!
LS:  Ugh.  We’re looking for a Fish and a Gopher on a motorcycle.
AS:  Oh.  Well you can all go to hell.

Al drives off.

TD:  Al has some anger management issues over his retirement.  I just can’t wait until they restart ECW.  Then it’ll be time to get HARDCORE!
LS:  They’re not doing that.
TD:  Oh.  Well you can go to hell.
RVD:  Hell…hell is hot…duude, you know what?
LS:  Uh…what?
RVD:  Florida is hot!  The Jade Gopher is in FLORIDA!  Yeah!  All Right!!
LS:  Oh, God.

To Be Continued.

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