by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Week:  Triple H haitched…hate…hatched? yeah…hatched a diabolical scheme.  Kane almost killed his baby just like Undertaker almost killed his daddy.  Those Brothers of Destruction can’t get ANYTHING done.  Our man Eugene was put in charge for…TONIGHT!!

Boy does it ever feel like Monday.

(Opening Credits)

In the ring:  Some People.  Wow.  That saved me on a lot of bolding.  Woo!  Earthquake hungrily eyes the cake.  The ducks waddle off.  What the hell kind of Cake Walk are they running here, man?  Eugene starts up the music.  Oddly enough, this is probably the most hotly contested match in RAW history.

Ric Flair v. My Darling Stacy v. Jerry “The Ring” Lawler v. Typhoon v. Earthquake v. Jonathan Coachman v. Tajiri v. Chris Jericho v. Tyson Tomko v. Some Ducks?  Maybe?  They Wandered Off… v. Homeless Smurf v. Junkyard Dog
For a Shot

No way JYD is going to miss an opportunity to grab them cakes.  Unfortunately, ghosts can’t grab cakes, so he’s eliminated.  :(  The music runs for a while, until Earthquake and Typhoon eat themselves.  They’re high in fat, but low in carbs!  Tajiri is eliminated next, because Eugene is racist.  Then Coach gets spit on by Tajiri and has to leave before he contaminates the cake.  Then Lawler tries to grab Stacy’s ass, so I wrote him out.  Then I wrote Stacy out too, because all that cake goes straight to her hips.  Flair has a heart attack while trying to take the cake’s old lady on a ride on Space Mountain (fat boy, Woo!).  Didn’t Avril Lavigne claim she wrote “Complicated” when she was high on cake?  Let that be a warning to all you women out there.  Cake consumption may cause fits of teen angst poetry.  They should really get an FDA label for that stuff.  A little picture of Avril making the “Punk RAWK” sign with a big red x over it.  Man, I forgot what the hell I was talking about.  Where’s Lita?  Man…you know what I don’t get?  Cinderella starring Hillary Duff and a CELL PHONE?!  What the hell, right?  Or am I alone on this one?  God, I hope not.  Is that background music “Hungry Like a Wolf”?  I’ve babbled long enough.  Jericho wins by hitting Tyson with the cake.  Actually, the real winner is Tyson who is now considerably more tasty.  Jericho opts for a shot of novocaine.  Mmmm…tingliscious!

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Rhyno and Val Venis v. La Resistance
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

I love Rhyno’s new gimmick.  Guy who loses tag matches.  He’s a modern day Marty Jannetty.  Man, if you told him that when he was in ECW, he’d eat your ears and then swear at you.  Was Sarge busy this week?  You know what the Cake Walk REALLY needed?  Kevin Nash.  You thought I was going to say, “More Kane” didn’t you?  Ha!  While I’m on the subject of lots of questions, do you REALLY think Eugene booked this match?  I mean, I could see him thinking that Val could use a push, but is the Net clamboring for a Rhyno push?  We are?  Goddamn.  Why?  La Resistance’s rendition of the Canadian National Anthem gets booed in Canada, which is totally awesome.  SUCK IT NATIONAL PRIDE!  You heard me!  You can still say “Suck it”, in Canada, right?  The two teams brawl for a while, until they pin Val for daring to come off of Heat.  I’ve gotta say, that was the best match I’ve seen since…uh…the Cake Walk?

Evolution are wandering around backstage.  Where’s Triple H?  PEDIGREEING…No…no…ORTO…Ehem…Orton is right there.  Well, let’s find out what’s going on, then.

RO:  Is that a bouncy cage?
DBD:  YAY!
RF:  I can’t believe a 16 times World WOO by God Champion…is stylinandprofilin’…I mean, is out there playing ring around the Rosey!
SR:  You didn’t complain while we were together you big meanie.
BM:  Did somebody say…BLUE MEANIE?!?!
SR:  No.
BM:  So…you’re not Stevie Richards?
SR:  No…Suga Rosey.
BM:  Oh…Cuz…I thought…With those initials….
SR:  Yeah…Yeah I get that a lot.
RF:  What the Fu….
RO:  Anyway, let’s all go try to talk Eugene out of being stupid.
DBD:  Good IDEA! 

Seconds later….

ED:  How are you gentlemen?  *snicker*
RO:  Look, I think you’ve let your power go to your head.  Have you seen this booking sheet?  Chris Benoit v. Chris Benoit sexy suplex challenge?  Come on!
ED:  Uh…oh yeah, that’s…that’s…OMG BENOIT~!
RF:  Whatever.  Just so long as I don’t have any matches.
ED:  Eugene and Ric Flair v. La Resistance.
RF:  Dammit.
ED:  I’ll get your rub, yet!
RO:  Who says this business doesn’t corrupt.
DBD:  BOUNCY!  BOUNCY!  BOUNCY!  BOUNCY!

(ads)

Now, ladies and Gentleman, Triple H!

HHH:  Man…I’m so drunk.  Eugene and I were out partying until…like…Eleventy O’ Clock in the morning, and I was telling him about how Nibblins and I were coming up with ways to get me more air time by making Velocity into the Nibblins and HHH variety hour because honestly whoever watches those flippy floppy guys anyway and while he was asleep I put a cheese sandwich in Eugene’s pants because I’m a big asshole and speaking of big assholes has anyone noticed Chris Benoit I mean has anyone ever noticed him because apparently he’s been the champion for like 3 years or something and I guess I just missed it I thought I was still the champion man what a crazy messed up world this is right I could seriously use a drink right about
Edge.
EDGE?!
EG:  YEAH!  I’M IN CANADA!  Canada!  Errr…CaaaaanaaaaDAAAA!  In the…the…hizzouse?
HHH:  Dude.  No.
EG:  Aw, come on, man.  I’m out here because I’m OVER!  Yeah!  Winnipeg ROCKS!  
HHH:  It’s not working.  What the hell do you want?
EG:  I’m out here to tell you that I’m going to TAKE YOU DOWN!  You might not know where or why or how or whether or not it will be during sweeps, but it’ll happen Hunter!
HHH:  Oh, come on.  You’re not the first guy to promise that!  Steiner, Nash, Austinberg, that midget, those lesbians behind the bar, they all offered to go down on me, but did I let them?  No!  Because Triple H is too awesome for any of that!  Yeah!  You heard me.
EG:  Oh yeah?
HHH:  Yeah!  What do you have that any of those guys don’t have?  Huh?!

HHH turns around dramatically.

HHH:  What the hell is that?
EG:  Uh…Monopoly Junior.  I’m pretty sure Austinberg didn’t pull that out on you.
HHH:  Yeah…Yeah…I guess he didn’t.  Steiner made me play Scattergories….
EG:  You’re in for it now buster!

Evolution comes out to mill around.

HHH:  PEDIGREE TO ORTON!

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” v. Kane

But…but…Dave was JUST OUT!

DBD:  Play my music AGAIN!

Fine.  I guess that makes sense.  Dave needs more Kane.  For about two minutes both guys stand around and look intimidating.  Then Matt Hardy runs out and hits Kane in the eye dislodging his contact and causing minutes of discomfort.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is kneeling in a pool of his own blood backstage.  Matt Hardy walks by….

MH:  Todd?  I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, man.  What’s going on?
TG:  I’ve been beating myself in the face with this hammer for 12 hours trying to get the images of the Great American Bash out of my head.
MH:  Oh…well…hey…true that.  Uh…any questions for me.
TG:  What happened in the first segment tonight?
MH:  Uh…a bunch of guys who don’t work in this company and a few who do joined a cake walk.

Todd Grisham has torn himself asunder.

HHH:  Damn.  Is that my hammer?

DIVA TIME, BABY!

JC:  It’s the Coach!  I’m blind!
SG:  Oh, no!  Coach, we could postpone this one week.
JC:  No way I’ve hired some eyes!  Now, let’s see some bitches.
JYD:  Grab them cakes!
SG:  First contestant please state your name?
Hot Girl:  I’m a hot girl. 
SG:  Hot?  Is that you?!  My Long Lost Sister!!
HG:  OH MY GOD!  Hahahahahaha!
JC:  So what’s the verdict on this one, Dog?
JYD:  Grab Them Cakes!
JC:  Will do!
JYD:  Those are my cakes.
JC:  But you’re a….
JYD:  A ghost.  I know.  It doesn’t make any sense.
Ghost of Todd Grisham:  AHHHHHH!

(ads)

Chris Jericho v. Randy Orton
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

The crowd is solidly behind Jericho because they’re in Winnipeg which is Jericho Town, USA.  No…wait….  Jericho was inducted into some secret society with The Pope and The Ghost of Mother Theresa.  Hot damn.   That would be some kind of superhero force.  They should make a cartoon.  Randy Orton falls over.  Uh…Orton…wins?  Loses?  Draws?  There is little more satisfying than watching Alan Thicke try to draw a snake to the baffled expressions of his teammates.  Dave comes out to make sure that Orton falls over again.

(ads)

Jericho and Orton trade pissy looks for a while.  NOBODY trades pissy looks quite like Chris Jericho and Randy Orton.  That should be the basis for their Summerslam feud.  Jericho tries to roll Orton onto his back while Reverand Slick and the fans helpfully shout “No!  No!  Away from the ropes!  STOP!  STOP!”  Jericho grins and sticks out his tongue.  1…2…No.  Orton looks to make Jericho fall over, but Chris’ lifts give him a good center of gravity.  Well, at least they’re good for something, there shorty.  Then Randy rolls Jericho up and uses the ropes to keep Jericho down.  Dave is not impressed.  Neither am I.  You need to cheat to beat Chris Jericho?  Come on.

Back in the Bouncy Fortress of Doom….

Vader:  Hahahahahahahaha!
HHH:  So do we have a deal, Eugene?
EG:  Ah…yes.  I think that you and I are going to do a fine job main eventing RAW tonight.

Hunter bounces out.

RF:  Well?  WOO?
HHH:  I think I tore my quad.

(ads)

Over on Smackdown:  Poop.

Victoria v. Molly v. Nidia
Envelope on a Pole Match

Man, it’s been a while, but welcome back “On a Pole” match.  I missed you.  When am I going to have a Stacy on a pole match?  Uh…A women’s match…I dunno.  Where the hell is Stevie Richards, Drag Queen these days anyway?  TNA?  Trish Stratus comes out to watch, making her the only one in America actually kind of paying attention to this match.  You know there’s naked women’s wrestling now?  Compete with THAT WWE.  No, I mean it.  Seriously.  What the hell is in that Envelope anyway?  Is it Chris Benoit?  A title shot?  Oh.  Nidia grabs the envelope.  Which leads to….

Nidia v. Trish Stratus
Women’s Title Match

Trish punches Nidia in the face and wins.  Huzzah!  Now THIS is a Women’s Division I can get behind.

(ads, about Levitra…”In the Rare occurrence that an erection lasts for more than four hours call a doctor…”?  Oh shut up.  Your product isn’t THAT good.)

DIVA TIME (“In the Rare occurrence that an erection lasts for more than four minutes, you’re Jerry Lawler.)

JC:  What do you see, JYD?
JYD:  Bitches and hoes, man.
JC:  Ok, you.  You’re eliminated.
Eliza Dushku:  Me?
JC:  I hear that smoker’s voice.  Get out of here.
SG:  Uh…Jonathan….
JC:  THE COACH HAS SPOKEN!
SG:  Josh Matthews is going to win, isn’t he?
JC:  Probably!

Next Week:  DIVA TIMES TWENTY FIVE!

Trish is talking to Lita….

LT:  So what did you do?
TS:  What did I do when?
LT:  When they made you have sex with everybody for a Klondike bar?
TS:  Oh.  I got out of it by barking like a dog on TV.
LT:  Really?  Do you think I cou….
TS:  It’s too late for that.
LT:  Oh snap.

In the “other backstage”

HHH:  Tonight, we take out Edge and Benoit.
ED:  I’m with you on Edge, but why am I taking out Benoit?  I mean…OMG SUPLEXES~!
HHH:  Benoit holds everybody down and stuff….
ED:  So do we!
HHH:  Yeah, but we do it for the good of the smark.
ED:  I guess I understand.
HHH:  Yeah www.dork.com
ED:  What?
HHH:  I said…uh…I love your website.
ED:  Huzzah!

(ads)

Triple H, Eugene and Ric Flair v. Team CHARISMA~!

OMG~!  It’s the Team Charisma reunion episode!  Much more highly anticipated than the growing pains reunion.  I guess Leo was busy?  What an asshole, I thought he was just Leo from the block.  Benoit and Edge take great care not to fight with Eugene, but Eugene is taking years worth of complaining on the internet to know that the refs never notice that heels don’t need to tag out and can throw closed fist punches.  The crowd boos Eugene.  Nobody likes a smark.

(ads)

Who wants to give me a million dollars?  I just thought I’d through that one out there.  Edge falls asleep.  Benoit fights off Eugene and Hunter while Flair throws shoes at the crowd.  Where did he even get those.  Who gave Ric some shows?  You know very well those are getting thrown!  Benoit locks in the Sharpshooter, much to the delight of the Canadian crowd who pretends to give a crap about Bret Hart.  It’s kind of like when we pretend to give a crap about cruiserweights.  Just a nice gesture even though nobody else cares.  Eugene hits Benoit and HHH nails the Pedigree and wins.  Then he hugs Eugene.  Which is a little creepy.  Then Eugene flips out and attacks a chair.  Flair is PISSED.

Next Week:  DIVA SEARCH BABY.  Fall out from…uh…whatever was going on this week…Veggies?  Dip?  Maybe I come in on time!

Lance, Rob and Tommy are preparing for Diva Search 2004 and will return next week.

E-MAIL MATT    
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