Here’s new World Champion Randy Orton.

RO:  HAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK ON THESE TEATS YOU STUPID BITCHES!  Look who’s World Champion now?!  It’s ME!  Randall Q. W. Orton!  What does the “Q.W.” stand for?!  Quick with…uh…words.  Q.W.W.  To celebrate, why doesn’t the whole audience take off their shirts?  Except, not the girls!  Yeah!  Haha, now it’s a Randy Orton party in here!  Man, you know what?  Everybody always told me that I was going to make a crappy World Champion, but I don’t see it.  This is going really great so far!  And I don’t think there’s a person in the WWE who gives a better promo than me!

Hehehehe…Orton gives good promo.  Here’s Chris Benoit for the…uh…counterpoint?

CB:  You don’t give the best promos in the WWE.  The one who gives the best promos is I.
RO:  You couldn’t promo your way out of a wet boat!
CB:  Eric Bischoff told me that I could have my rematch with you tonight, Randy.
RO:  Oh no!  I have a manicure appointment at 10:00!
CB:  Well, you’d better call and cancel because it’s BENOIT TIME!

Man, you’ve really got to flip a coin there in terms of promo champion of the world. Now, for a lighter note here’s some….

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Rhyno (w/ Tajiri) v. La Resistance (w/ Rob Conway)
For a Shot at the WWE Tag Team Titles
 

Kane would like to invite you to his wedding with Lita.  They’re registered at Pottery Barn.  I bought them some salad tongs.  I don’t think they’ll use them though.  Neither one of them really strikes me as a “salad” person.  Though, I dunno.  Maybe when Kane is unwinding he likes to sit down to a nice chicken salad.  If you’re going to buy them something though, don’t buy them a toaster.  Kane does that all by himself.

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Backstage, Lita is being chased by Jonathan Coachman….

JC:  Lita, what do you think about marrying Kane?  Is it true that Three Minute Warning is going to do a run-in?  Did Planned Parenthood really send you a Gravy Boat?
LT:  Why are YOU chasing me?  Where the hell is Todd Grisham?
JC:  Funny you should ask that, right before RAW started, he was killed by Mantaur.
LT:  Oh.  That’s horrible.
JC:  Haha…yeah.  Anyhow, what’s going on with your wedding?  
LT:  I’m going somewhere where even YOU can’t go, Coach.
Camera Guy Steve:  But I can go, right?
LT:  Of course.

Lita and Camera Guy Steve wander into the Women’s Locker Room!

TS:  SURPRISE!  WE’RE NAKED!!
CGS:  AH-HA!  You liars.
TS:  This show is rated TV-14 for only MILD nudity.
MH:  We all got you presents!  Here’s a little game called “Lita Clue”!
TS:  Who’s the father of Lita’s Baby?
GK:  Was it Scott Hall in the bathroom with the handcuffs?
MH:  No, no.  It was TOTALLY Bastion Booger in the Kitchen with the turkey baster.
GK:  My turn!  I bought Lita this picture of when she beat Stephanie McMahon for the Women’s Title.  Remember when you had the littlest bit of respect?
TS:  Hey!  I got Lita something to!  This is a maternity thong.  It has a super absorbent pad too, for when your water breaks.
LT:  Oh!  Thanks, Trish!  I was hoping somebody would have looked over my gift registry!
JZ:  And I got you this thing to have sex with when you baby daddy is gone.
RM:  I don’t want to have sex with Lita!
JZ:  Shut your mouth, Rodney!
RM:  Yes, ma'am.
LT:  You girls are the best!  Hugs and kisses everybody, but I’ve got to go get ready to watch Kane lose to Edge!
VT:  Wait!  I bought you something too!
TS:  What is, Victoria?  Some balls?  Because you totally didn’t have any of THOSE when you lost Diva Dodgeball!
VT:  I don’t want any balls anyway.  I just came to drop off this red hair dye.
LT:  Thanks, I was almost out!
TS:  You slut!

Lita ducks, but Trish was aiming for Victoria anyway.  Victoria goes down.  Here ends my sexual innuendo.  Maybe Lita can use the tongs to toss some salads.  Ok, I’ll stop.  I would TOTALLY play Lita clue.  And I’d win too.  That’s going on my resume.  “Skills – Bad Ass at Clue”.

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Gail Kim v. Victoria

Man, just the thing I needed to bring me down…a Women’s Match.  To her credit, Victoria sure does know how to Bedazzle her pant suits.  I have a feeling that if Stephanie McMahon would have been down with Bedazzling, she’d STILL be the GM of Smackdown.  Now it’s Jon Hnnrnnr, or something, right?  Gail wraps herself around Victoria’s neck and the whole arena yells, “Just drop, you stupid bitch!”  Totally.  That’s even a move, it’s a Samoan Drop.  Maybe Victoria doesn’t want to do it because she’s not Samoan?  Oh well, in any event, the point is moot as eventually Victoria hits the Widow’s Peak to end my pain.  Except that the name of that move reminds me of my receding hairline.  After the match, Trish Stratus comes with Tyson Tomko and they take turns giving Victoria wedgies.  You’d think that’d be harder to do with pleather.  Stevie Richards makes the save, much to the befuddlement of your commentators.  “Who is that crazy woman, King?”  “I dunno…She’s REAL hot though!”

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Kane (w/ Lita) v. Edge
For the WWE Intercontinental Breakfast

Aw…you know, they make a cute couple.  King and J.R. spend a few minutes arguing about whether or not Shawn Michaels is going to need an electronic voice box when he comes back.  Oh, totally.  He can come back as Kane circa 1997, and feud with Kane circa 2004.  And then HHH can accuse Shawn of inappropriate touching of mannequins and Shawn can marry Lita.  HEY!  Maybe THAT’S why X-Pac is coming back.  If it worked once…Besides, the WWE needs more Kane, anyway.

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Notice I haven’t said anything about Edge, yet?  That’s because I’ve got nothing.  He’s just sooooo…booooooring….Lita grabs Kane’s leg and starts humping it.  All right, I’ll give the WWE that one.  That’s pretty much the best part of this angle so far.  While Kane tries to pry Lita off, Matt Hardy runs in and nails the “I Ain’t Got No Ankle Tendons”!  That’s crazy go nuts, he shouldn’t be allowed to walk.  Meanwhile, Edge stops selling his grief over being booed in Toronto long enough to Spear Kane and pick up the win.  Kane grabs the mic after the match and says that he can’t wait until next week when The WWE Wedding Singers Band sings “Theme from Macho Man and Elizabeth’s Wedding” for him and his bride.  Lita slaps him, but Kane says to save it for the honeymoon.  I’ve got 19-1 odds that Tori does a run-in on the wedding.  And, what?  No bachelorette party video?  Or a bachelor party video?  Like, of Kane and Undertaker at some greasy strip club out in the middle of the desert?

UT:  Kane, I know we’ve had our differences, man.  But you’re my half brother, and I love you, man.
KN:  I know.  It’s still nice to hear.  Come on, I’m buying you a lap dance.
UT:  No, no.  It’s YOUR party.  Besides, Sara Taker would get pissed.
KN:  MAYBE YOU SHOULD BURY HER IN CONCRETE LIKE YOU DID MY DAD YOU SON OF A BITCH!
UT:  Woah!  Woah!  Easy there partner, you’re scaring the girls.
KN:  Sorry…just nerves I guess.
UT:  It’s cool.  It’s cool.  Being married is a tough thing.  Especially when your bride to be hates you.
KN:  Man, I know it.  Didn’t you get married to Stephanie that one time?
UT:  Yep.  Too bad it got annulled faster than Britney Spears on a Saturday though, or else I would have beaten Bradshaw for sure.
KN:  Yep.
UT:  Uh-huh.

The lights go out and suddenly all the girls are on fire.

KN:  What do you say we go rape some corpses down at the morgue?
UT:  Let’s ride.

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DIVA SEARCH 2004!!  All the Diva Hopefuls say that Carmella is the Diva they would like kicked out of the competition because, despite the fact that she does absolutely nothing every week she’s the only one what gets the crowd to pay attention, PLUS she missed Diva Dodgeball to go and boo Jeff Garcia at Cleveland Browns practice.  Carmella starts to cry, but then her face rusts up and the producers have to drag her to the back to get her some oil.  Eliminated this week:  Michelle.  Which one is Michelle?  You should have been paying attention!

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Chris Jericho v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson (w/ Ric Flair)

Ugh…it’s the feud that never ends.  Dave poses for a while Chris Jericho idly wonders whether or not Jeff Jarrett would job to him if he were to go over to TNA.  I doubt it.  Late in the match, Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but is tripped up by Flair so the ref calls for the DQ.  Hey!  That ref is WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda.  It’s catch and fun to sing at parties.  “Ooooooooooo…Mike Chioda!”  Flair and Batista kick and pose around Jericho respectively, while Edge runs around the ring.  Maybe he thinks it’s a race?  Bring home the Gold for Canada in the 25 km Ring Run, Edge!

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Vote for YOUR favorite Diva.  My favorite Diva?  French Silk Pie.  That’s 1-866-WWE-4550 for French Silk Pie.

Randy Orton is backstage with HHH…uh-oh.

RO:  HAHAHAHAHA!  Look at me, bitch!  Who’s your daddy now?  Huh?
HHH:  Shut up!  I won MY match too!  I beat the unbeatable Eugene, dammit!
RO:  Yeah but Eugene didn’t have a shiny belt.  I DO!  You want it?  You want it?
HHH:  Well…kinda….
RO:  TO BAD!  RANDY ORTON IS THE WORLD CHAMPION!  CHOKE ON THOSE BEAVERS!
HHH:  Well, Randall, in celebration of your title victory, let me sing you a song. 

If you are ever feeling down,
Like you have no place to go-oh,
Well pick up your phone and dial up,
Evolution is you home!

I like to sing and play with Nibblins,
He is America’s favorite kitten!
You’re the World Champion now,
That title you’ve been given!

Dave and Ric are mighty pissed,
That I am still the leader,
When all I could do was beat Eugene,
And drink YJStinger by the liter.

But don’t be down and don’t be glum,
Just cause I’m not the World Champion,
Because I’m banging the bosses daughter,
In his yacht off the Hamptons.

VM:  Hey!

So if anybody thinks that you shouldn’t win,
I don’t know what they’re snortin’,
But I’ve just got one thing to saaaaaaaaay,
PE….

RO:  I’ve got to go get ready for my match.
HHH:  Ok, you have fun.

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Chris Benoit v. Randy Orton
For the WWE World Title

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got to say, it’s good to FINALLY see somebody other than that hobo Benoit with the World Title.  I was getting So sick of that crap it wasn’t even funny.  Orton starts things off by working the OMG CHINLOCK~!  Benoit tries to lock in the Sharpshooter, which draws a big reaction because in Canada it’s still 1997.  Or maybe they’re all just really big Sting fans.  Me too.  I really liked “Desert Rose”.  They fade to commercial as Randy tries to put his legs back together.

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Benoit keeps almost falling over.  Try harder, Randy!  The World Champ should be better at making his opponent fall over.  Maybe he should try some more chinlocks.  Evolution comes down to ringside and distracts Benoit while Orton ties his shoelaces together.  Benoit falls over and Orton wins!  YAY!  Work rate is over rated!  Evolution climbs into the ring and starts dancing around and Dave picks Randy up and poses with him.  Still not cool, Dave.  HHH has the mic.

HHH:  Yeah, yeah.  Congratulations on you big Victory, Randy.  You’re the man now, dog.  Hahaha.  Yeah.  Good job there almost beating Chris Benoit again, but there’s one thing I forgot to tell you.  You see, we’ve been talking, and I know what I said a long time ago about Evolution being the cool place for hip young up-and-coming stars, but you know what we realized?  Evolution is old, Randy.  I mean, look at Ric, he’s like 92.  He fought in the civil war for Pete’s sake.
RF:  We took Pepsi’s old lady on a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOO!
HHH:  That’s right.  And Dave, there, man, how old are you, dude?
DBD:  I am EIGHTY SEVEN!
HHH:  See, what I mean?  And quite frankly, Randy, there’s no room in Evolution for a young whipper snapper like you.  Take him out, Dave. 

Batista drops him.  They spend twenty minutes punching Randy in the face.  Hunter picks him up.  Dave hits Orton with the OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~!  Hunter picks him up.  Ric locks him in the Figure Four.  Hunter picks him up.  Orton is bleeding, oh no!

Next Week:  Randy Orton finds out that things are tougher than he imagined as a face when he defends his title against Rodney Mack on Heat.  Kane and Lita begin to exchange loving nuptials before the priest reveals himself to be Theodore R. Long, in disguise.  And Shawn Michaels makes his big return by hiding behind J.R. all night.

Lance and Rob are Friends
Chapter Thirteen:  A Break from the Diva Search

LS:  So, what did you guys buy Lita and Kane?
TD:  I bought them a matching pair of breakaway workout pants because those are HARDCORE!
RVD:  I build them a nice little one wall cottage out in the country.
LS:  One wall?
RVD:  Yeah, it’s all I can do, dude.
TD:  Couldn’t you just build one wall at a time?
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Man, it feels weird to be here when all this stuff is going on.  Randy Orton is the World Champion,  Lita is marrying Kane…it’s like we woke up in some kind of bizarro world.
VM:  I know, right?
LS:  Vince McMahon!
TD:  Vince McMahon!
RVD:  Mr. Green Jeans!
VM:  That’s right!  It’s me!  Guys, just because this very promotion has suffered through some tough waters doesn’t mean it’s not still the best wrestling promotion there is.  I mean, seriously, if you can sit through the Berzerker…
TB:  HUSS HUSS!
VM:  Then surely you can withstand a Kane/Lita union, or even, as hard to swallow as it may be, a Randy Orton title run.
RVD:  But….
VM:  I SAID YOU COULD WITHSTAND IT DAMMIT!
RVD:  Yeah!  All Right!!
LS:  Mr. McMahon, why was I never given a title run?
VM:  Let me tell you a little story.  One day, a rabbit lived on a little farm.  It was a nice little farm, and the owner was very well meaning, and the farm became a very popular tourist spot in the town.  In fact, the town loved the farm SO much that they hated every other farm on the planet.  But eventually that farm was zoned to be paved over for a highway off ramp, and that was ok because the farmer was stupid and penniless, and he didn’t feed any of his animals.  So the rabbit escaped and traveled a loooooong way, to a bigger farm in the south.  On this farm he could have all the carrots and lettuce he could eat.  Doesn’t that sound nice, kids?
TD:  Yeah!  EC-Dub!  EC-Dub!
LS:  I guess so.
RVD:  Woah…I’m seeing, like, stars!
VM:  So this little rabbit hoped and he hoped, and he hoped SO much that the owner of the farm, a crazy old man, started putting this rabbit in shows.  Not big money shows, but big enough that the rabbit’s name spread across the land.  But the man was SO crazy that he thought it would be a good idea to raise tigers and elephants and zebras in the same pens and feed them all the most expensive beefs and give them all wine to drink.  And some good men from the bank came and foreclosed on the farm, and sent the crazy old man up the river.  The rabbit was very sad, until one day, a brilliant business man with shoulders a mile wide and a heart as big as the sun smiled down on the rabbit and took him up to his house in the north.
TD:  What happened to the rabbit then?
VM:  He was slaughtered and put in soup for a homeless shelter.
RVD:  Truly he was the luckiest rabbit.
LS:  I don’t like that story.
VM:  Shut your mouth.

Elsewhere….

MT:  HAHA!  Now that we’re back in Canada, I can call on my reinforcements to help me with my search.  Oh, reinforcements.
PO:  Arr…It is eye…I mean…I, Pierre Oulette.
TM:  Actually, those are pronounced the same, so it’s ok?
PO:  Huh?
TM:  Eye and I.
PO:  Oh.  Right.  Sorry about that.  Now watch me swashbucklin’ action.

Pierre stabs Mountina.

TM:  Ow!
PO:  Sorry, this I patch be affectin’ me depth perception.  I mean, eyepatch.

To be continued….

What?  WHAT?  Oh…All Right….

PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!