(Opening Credits)
 

Chris Jericho:  I want everyone in this crowd to get laid.  So here’s some leis.

CJ:  I guess the novelty leis were too expensive.  Anyway, my usefulness threshold for this segment has been reached.  Here’s some clips of Stevie Richards winning the World title.

Sure enough, he fell from the sky.  Just like the hookers.  I don’t think they get World Titles though.  Maybe Hardcore titles.  Hey!  Look!  Vince McMahon.  Why does he have the World Title?

Vince McMahon:  Hello, everyone.  Now, some of you may be surprised, nay, shocked by the fact that I’m out here tonight with the WWE World Title.  Well, what you probably don’t know is that earlier this week in Asheville, I defeated Stevie and became the new new WWE World Champion.  However, I forgot that we already established a few years ago that I don’t WANT to be the champion, so I’m giving it up.

Heeeeeere’s Triple H….

VM:  Hunter?  What the hell do you want?
Triple H:  Well, I mean, I just figured I’ve gotten a vacant title one time….
VM:  Remember the last time I won?  I beat you.  That was awesome.
HHH:  Shut up.
VM:  Do you mention that in your new book Triple H’s Guide to Watching the X-Pac/Chyna Sex Tape?
HHH:  No.  And that’s gross.  That’s Lita’s kid you’re talking about.
VM:  Did you tell Wesley Snipes that I beat you?
HHH:  No, we were too busy taking turns grabbing Jessica Biel’s ass on the set of my new movie Blade:  Triple Hity.
VM:  Shame!  SHAME ON THEE, Hunter!  What would Nibblins say?
HHH:  Uh…Meow?
VM:  More like HISS HISS!
Berzerker:  Huss!  Huss!
HHH:  What have I done?!

Triple H runs off.  The crowd boos McMahon.  North Carolina LOVES HHH!

VM:  I guess the title is vacant.  Uh…Eric Bischoff’ll get it next week, I’m sure.  
BZ:  Can I get the title?
VM:  No.
BZ:  HUSS!  HUSS!

Berzerker chases Vince McMahon around while Cosby plays the Theme from Benny Hill.  Stacy and Trish join the chase.

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Triple H is throwing things around backstage.  Evolution is looking on.

Triple H:  I can’t believe I let Nibblins down!  I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
Ric Flair:  That’s ok.  Here’s my plan.  We take Nibblins’ old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!  WOOO!
HHH:  What the hell are you talking about, Ric?  Dave, where the hell were YOU when I needed you last week?  Huh? 
“Dave” Batista “Davidson“:  I left to play PONG!
HHH:  I LOST THE TITLE TO STEVIE RICHARDS!!
DBD:  Sounds like you should have had no problem beating HIM!
HHH:  Shut up!
RF:  Maybe he’s right, Hunter.
HHH:  Maybe I should hit you in the man boobs with a sledgehammer.
DBD:  I hate it when you FIGHT!

Dave runs off.  Triple H falls to his knees and tears at his clothes.  Flair knee drops a nearby muffin.

Chris Jericho is drinking Bischoff’s Captain Morgan and playing tiddlywinks with the hos. 

Chris Jericho:  Hey, Cloe, Cammie, help yourself to some punch.  Pie is on the way.  
Chris Tian:  Uh…Jericho.
CJ:  What’s up, li’l buddy?
CT:  Why are you making me wear a costume?
CJ:  Well…you see…the thing is, we’ve got to do something stupid for your match.  And it was either this, or have Shelton Benjamin spank you with a paddle.
CT:  Good choice to go with the costume.
CJ:  Yeah.  Happy Humiliation Monday!
Chris Benoit:  Humiliation Monday?
CJ:  Yeah.  Christian’s gotta wear a costume for his match.
CB:  You should dress up like Rey Misterio.
CT:  What, like his dorky Flash costume?
CB:  Yeah.
CT:  Noooononononono….
CJ:  There are WAY too many Cs in this room.
CB:  Where’d all the girls go?  This is a total sausage fest.
CJ:  Speaking of sausage fests, you and I are wrestling HHH and Dave later.
CB:  Oh, Man….
CJ:  I know, I know.

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Maven v. Eugene (w/ William Regal)

Maven is totally a heel.  Maven takes the early control while Eugene fills out his ballet for the RSPW awards.  OH!  Maven is his “Most Deteriorated”!  That’s enough to allow Eugene to take control of the match back.  They fight back and forth for a while, until Regal nods off on the outside and Maven just wails on Eugene with a chair.  The kids come in the ring because Eugene won, but they’re all laid out by Maven.  Regal wakes up just in time to see Maven leaving.

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It’s Limbo time!

Limbo time?

Jericho holds the limbo pole as The Mountie, Josh Matthews, My Darling Stacy, and Some Other Random Girls go under the pole.  Josh Matthews wins, because he’s into yoga.  While everyone is cheering for Josh, Jericho regains the spotlight by starting into his hard rock rendition of “My Heart will Go On.”  Suddenly, the lights in the arena go out. 

Muhammad Hassan:  We Amish are against your “lights” and your Titanic boats.  Next week we will show up to your wrestling show and EARN respect for our people.  And if that fails, we’ll become Buddhists!
Khosrow Daivari: CHICKENS!

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Nova is out.

Nova:  Man, I was just talking to Chris Jericho, and he told me I have to wrestle here tonight.  Doesn’t that suck?  I mean, really.  I INVENTED wrestling, but I have to have my first wrestling match against The Hurricane.  This sucks.  Well, at least I know I’ll win while I’m debuting.

Nova v. The Hurricane

Match Number Two!!  Nova does some push-ups just to screw with Scott Steiner.  Poor Scott Steiner.  I don’t think even TNA wants him.  And they keep employing Erik Watts.  Nova breaks down and starts crying about how much he misses being a super hero again, but it’s all a ruse as he rolls up Hurricane.  Nova wins!  Nova wins!  Nova wins!  I’ve gotta say, that light blue is slimming.  I wonder what became of the Denver Broncos float though.  He could have salvaged this segment.

Hey!  Look!  A couple fired people talk to Lita.

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Jonathan Coachman is talking to Randy….

Jonathan Coachman:  Hey, Randy.  How you holding up?
Randy Orton:  Is that a camera?  Oh my God it is!  HELLO AMERICA!
JC:  Aren’t you going to start what you finished last week?
RO:  Just as soon as I finish making out with this camera.  Look at me!  I’m on TV!
JC:  Errr…Randy?
RO:  I love you Television! 

Edge is in the ring.

RO:  NOOOOO!  He’s boring!
Edge:  Sorry, Randal, but I’ve got something to say.  How come I’m not the champion?  I totally didn’t get pinned by Stevie Richards last week.
Crowd:  You tapped out!
EG:  No I didn’t.
Crowd:  Oh.  Sorry.
EG:  So Eric Bischoff better have a good reason why a girl can’t get a salad in this crazy go nuts world of professional wrestling.
RO:  Probably because she got fired.
EG:  Randy, what the hell are you doing out here?
RO:  I’m seriously attention starved right now.  I was about to call Sally Struthers and that Old Guy with a Beard to come get me some TV time. 
EG:  Get your own TV time!  This is mine!
RO:  You horned in on MY TV time

They catfight.  It takes Sargent Slaughter, Dean Malenko, and Fit Finlay separate them.  Dean puts Randy in the Texas Cloverleaf.  Just because.

Now the stars of Blade: Trinity on HHH….

Ryan Reynolds:  Did you know I was in Van Wilder?  Man, Tara Reid and I used to paaarty like nobody’s business.  I did so much crank out of her navel one time it was INSANE!!  Oh, hey, you don’t think my girlfriend, popular singer Alanis Morrisette is watching this, do you?  She doesn’t really watch wrestling.  She’s an alright girl, and don’t tell her I said this, but her music is so whiny and annoying.  I can’t STAND it.  Jesus.  What?  HHH?  Man, I dunno.  He was ok.  I mean, he worked with my stunt double most of the day that he was on set.
Jessica Biel:  Mostly I’m just in this for the money.  I mean let’s face it, even after that Chainsaw movie, I’m still just that one girl from Seventh Heaven.  So, I don’t really care.  Triple H listened to Sarah McLaughlin all day when he was on set.  Isn’t that a little weird?  I mean this big muscly guy singing along to “Possession”?  I stayed away from him for most of the time.  I let him grab my ass a few times though.  It was cool.
Wesley Snipes:  Man, &%$# Triple H.

Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko) v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinetal Title

WOW!  Chris Tian is dressed EXACTLY LIKE TYSON TOMKO!  It’s amazing what they can do with makeup these days.  Oh.  Wait.  He’s dressed as a festive Christmas Tree.  Merry Christmas, Chris Tian!  He actually just looks like a more festive version of the Stanford Mascot.  Which, by the way, huh?  It’s a giant friggin’ tree.  You can’t tell me you’re excited to see that thing bouncing around the sidelines.  HEY!  That’s just Edge’s old Tree outfit.  Dammit, quit recycling old gimmicks!!  Christian tries the spear, obviously, but misses, and gets his head stuck in the turnbuckles.  Shelton kicks Tomko, pulls Christian out and gets the win, and a bunch of needles in him.  Ow.  Jericho comes out to sing some more and book a match between Edge and Orton next week.  He can’t do that.  But he JUST DID!  TAKE THAT LOGIC AND REASON!  If Maven would have known about this, he would have booked himself in title matches from three weeks ago until some time next year.

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Abe Orton is backstage with Lita….

Abe Orton:  I bet you wish you had a little more Kane right now, eh?  Eh?
Lita:  Oh, yeah.  Very original.  Very clever.
AO:  You’d just better hope that this push they’re giving you doesn’t end with another Abe Orton?  Huh?
LT:  Yeah, I guess that would suck pretty bad.

Abe pushes over Lita’s tea cup spilling tea everywhere.  Lita rolls here eyes and leaves.

AO:  It WASN’T MY FAULT!  Did I do that?

Backstage, it’s Evooooooolution!  They’re on a cell phone.

Triple H:  Hello?  Eric Bischoff’s voice mail?  I’m sick and tired of how I’m being treated.  You listen good!  I want the World Title so that Nibblins can be proud of me and I want it NOW!  You hear me?!  I want the world title!
Ric Flair:  You listen TO ME, ERIC BISCHOFF’s ANSWERING MACHINE!!  I am the nature boy…Stylin’ and PROFILIN’ WOOOOO!
HHH:  This is about me!  I’ve got a new book!  I’ve got a movie coming out!  You need me to be the Champion anyway, because I’m the only one who can do it now after years of holding everybody else down!
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  This is all WRONG!
HHH:  Shut up, Dave.  You hear me, VOICE MAIL?!  I’m warning you!  Give me the world title.  NOW!
Operator:  Sir, this is 411.
HHH:  That crappy wrestling site?
Operator:  No, sir.  Information.  Would you like me to find a Mr. Eric Bischoffsvoicemail for you?  Is that a residence or a business?
HHH:  Never mind.  I thought you said you had Bischoff’s voice mail number, Ric?
RF:  Are you kidding?  I frigging hate that dumbass.
DBD:  That Operator sounded HOT!
HHH:  Yeah she did.  Get her back on.

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Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson” and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair)

The crowd is nuts for Flair because we’re in the Carolinas.  The audience Flair Flops to start.  Hunter chases Lillian Garcia out of the arena because he was getting sick of her just sitting there all night, doing nothing, then he comes back.  Benoit and HHH fight for a little while, and just barely avoid getting hit by Stevie Richards and a hooker falling from the sky whilst negotiating a fair price.  Jericho and Batista exchange some bored looks and both go up to chat with the Cosby groupies.  Don’t fall into that trap!  Next thing you know you’re in a paternity law suit, and you’re complaining about how uneducated modern wrestlers are.  Benoit and HHH draw the audience’s attention back to the match by threatening to throw loafers at people.  $500 loafers!

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Jericho and Hunter fight for a little while, but eventually Hunter does what any reasonable person would do, and he hits Benoit with a chair.  That’s enough to draw a DQ.  Really, everything would be all well and good, but he’s having too much fun, so he nails Jericho, Batista and Flair as well.  Then he runs into the crowd and starts taking out kids, old people and hookers.  It’s too bad that HHH won’t have any friends when all of this is over.  But at least he’ll have a steel chair.  And Sarah McLaughlin’s new live album.

Trish is wandering backstage when Lita comes up to here.  They bitch for a few minutes, and then make out.  This is the best RAW ever!

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Lita v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

THIS is your main event.  Aw, crap.  You know the last time a women’s match was this heavily promoted as the main event of a show was when Lita beat Stephanie?  Gee, I wonder what’ll happen here?  Trish hits Lita with the mask, and then takes it off.  Her nose isn’t broken at all!!  It was all a clever ruse to wear a Kane mask!  Lita, however, uses the power of cleavage to force her way into some offence, but she just end up jumping up and down on her head.  I guess, that’s an ok strategy, but probably not for somebody who’d had neck surgery.  But it pays off, because Trish gets so sick of all that bouncing that she runs over to stop Lita, and she gets kicked in the face.  Lita hit’s the moonsault and gets the win!  Lita is the new women’s champion!  Wow, I wonder who she’ll defend it against…Trish or…Molly?

Next Week:  Stevie Richards gets his title back from Eric Bischoff.  Edge and Randy Orton square off in the World’s Second or Third Greatest Promo Battle Royal EVER!  Also, in a thrilling turn of events, Triple H and Dave play Yahtzee for the respect and admiration of Ric Flair.

Lance and Rob Are Friends
Chapter 28:  Two Can Play At That Game

Lance and Rob are driving down the highway in Tommy Dreamer’s car, trying to escape from the evil forces that are trying to bring them back to ECW.

Lance Storm:  Rob?  ROB!
Rob Van Dam:  Wha?  What?
LS:  Wake up, man.  We’ve gotta pull over.  We’ve got a flat.
RVD:  But the ECW guys will catch up to us!
LS:  I think we’re far enough ahead that we can change the tire.

They exit the vehicle and stare at the car.

LS:  Err…I have no idea how to do this.
RVD:  Me neither.  We’re DOOMED!
LS:  If only there was someone to help us.

They both look to the left at a farm house.

LS:  That was lucky.
RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!

They approach and knock on the door.

Sting:  I don’t want any!
LS:  But…we’re not selling anything.  We’re just pro-wrestlers on the run!
ST:  I know!
LS:  Why do you live in a farmhouse.
ST:  This isn’t my house.  I’m just crashing here.
Van Hammer:  Duuude, who is it?
RVD:  Nobody out here but us ghosts!
VH:  No way, let me see!
RVD:  Woah, look at that crop.  I didn’t know you can grow all this in winter.
VH:  Let’s go out back.

Van Hammer and Rob walk behind the farmhouse.

LS:  Sting, why the hell are you living at Van Hammer’s house?
ST:  Man, all I can say is I shoulda sued Sting when I had my chance.
LS:  Is that RoboCop?
RoboCop:  Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law.
ST:  He follows me around now.  I can’t stand it.  Robocop, fix his car.
RC:  Affirmative!
ST:  Lance, you have realize something, you can’t get away.  This stupid business will keep pulling you back in.  
LS:  I’ve got to try.
RC:  My name is Murphy.
ST:  Shut up.
RVD:  Duuuude…I have this idea.  The whole world is ruled inside prairie dog holes.
VH:  Yeah!  All right!!
LS:  Come on, Rob.  We’ve got to go.
ST:  What’s that smell?

Rob and Van Hammer look at each other.

RC:  Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, and toke it UP!

Elsewhere….

Mountie:  I’ve really got to practice my limboing if I’m going to beat Josh Matthews next time!

Mountie starts to limbo, when Mantaur runs out to try to limbo and ends up goring Mountie.

2.…