(Opening Credits)

Here’s Triple H and Triple Naitch, out to talk about how great Royal Rumble was. Triple H, he won a match.
 

Dave comes out wearing a suit that is about three sizes too big and red mirror shades. For added fun, watch HHH’s giant nose in Dave’s sunglasses. It’s FUNTASTIC!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Thank you very MUCH! I won the Royal RUMBLE! Do you know what that MEANS? It means that I am going to WRESTLEMANIA!
Ric Flair: WOO! That’s right, Dave, you’re just like me, you’re just like Triple H. You’re Triple WOO By God Dave! And you know what that means? It means you get to win 3,000 World Titles!
DBD: YAY!
HHH: And you get to face me at WrestleMania!
DBD: Oh no, Glass CEILING!

Sad music plays. Suddenly, footage appears on the TitanTron.

John “Bradshaw” Leyfeild: I am JBL! I am on Smackdown, and not on RAW.
Josh Mathews: I’m on both, because I lost the Diva Search.
JBL: Good for you.
JM: So what do you think of “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.
JBL: He won the Royal Rumble. What the hell do I care. It wouldn’t make any sense for him to jump to Smackdown, because I’ve gotta have the title to promote the ECW PPV.
JM: We’re actually not supposed to say anyth-
JBL: And what’s that guy’s deal? I’m supposed to be the guy with three names. Not him. I killed RVD to get that distinction back.
Carlito Caribbean “Cool”: That’s not cool.
JBL: Now can we talk about something else? Isn’t my theme music awesome?
JM: Moooooo! Yeah, I love that cow.
JBL: Little known fact, that was no cow.
JM: Really, what was it?
JBL: Your mom.
CCC: OH! DISSED!

The footage ends.

HHH: The hell was that? Did somebody play that to try to convince you not to wrestle me at WrestleMania, but to instead wrestle JBL while I take on…I dunno…Stevie Richards. That’s TERRIBLE! It really is. I’m so pissed off that I’m going to end this segment five minutes late.

Evolution tromps up the ramp.

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Nova v. Shelton Benjamin
For the Intercontinental Title

Nova almost wins at the beginning of the match by inventing a counter to the Stinger Splash and kneeing Benjamin in the balls coming in. However, Nova is Nova, and while you could counter that insanely huge amount of logic with “Yes, Matt, but Shelton Benjamin is Shelton Benjamin”, but I would counter that by saying, “Yeah well, shut up.” So, Shelton Benjamin wins by hitting Nova with a T-Bone steak. After the match, Nova gets on the mic and says that Shelton will be sorry that he’s stuck here on RAW while Nova returns triumphantly to ECW, so Shelton runs back to the ring and hits Nova with a cheese grater. Ain’t no stoppin’ him NAAAAAAAH!

Backstage, things aren’t nearly so cheery in the Bischoffice.

Triple H: Eric! Eric Bischoff! What the hell is with that JBL promo playing?
Eric Bischoff: There’s this whole thing, Hunter. The Smackdown guys are actually here right now and they’re plotting to take over the show. You’ve got to help me out.
HHH: Oh yeah? Where the hell are they then?
EB: They’re hiding behind this fake wall here. They’re going to kill us all!
HHH: Right. I bet.

Hunter walks over and pulls down the wall.

Friar Ferguson: Uh…hi.
HHH: Friar Ferguson?!
EB: HE’S FROM SMACKDOWN!!
FF: Oh. No. I’ve actually been following the WWE for about ten years now. Hiding and drinking, eating whatever scraps I can find under the table in catering.
HHH: Man, wrestling monks was AWESOME! I can’t believe we got rid of you.
FF: Yeah. Me neither. Oh, hey, are you going to eat those Cheez Its, Eric?
EB: Take them! Take whatever you want! Just don’t kill my show.
HHH: Man, I better not tell him what I heard about RAW getting kicked off Spike.
EB: NOOOOOOOQ
FF: Is that caramel corn? AWESOME!!

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Christie Hemme is shooting T-Shirts at people who boo Randy Orton. I hope that’s $250,000 worth of T-Shirt Shooting. Eventually, Edge comes down to the ring, and he doesn’t look happy. Geez, he beat Shawn Michaels last night. What’s he so depressed about. Maybe we’ll find out when he’s on the mic.

Edge: What the hell is going on? Are you shooting T-Shirts? Well let me shoot on you here…whatever your name is! What T-Shirts are you shooting?
Christie Hemme: Jesus Christ, man, we’re just trying to get rid of some of these friggin’ JOB Squad shirts. They were killing our warehouse space. But you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.
EG: JOB Squad, eh? Are you trying to call me a jobber.
CH: I don’t know what that means.
EG: Oh. You know what sucks though? I totally should have won the Royal Rumble, I mean is there any more compelling match than Edge/HHH? But I didn’t. No, I entered quick enough, but I got beat up by some rapper man and Dave. And then, I beat Shawn Michaels and nobody remembers it until just now when I mentioned it. Plus, I haven’t seen my buddy Todd Grisham all day! My life sucks. I wish I had some way to have a more positive outlook.

This sends Shawn Michaels prancing out to the ring.

Shawn Michaels: Hey! Have you considered putting your career in the name of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
EG: Do you think he can help my career?
HBK: No, probably not. But you can be a Christian!
EG: EW! I’m trying to get myself OUT of the midcard!
HBK: Well…do you want to wrestle me again?
EG: That’s just stupid talk. Even I know there’s no way you’d let me beat you twice.
HBK: See? You’re well on your way to main event status.
EG: Wasn’t your mic supposed to cut out?
HBK: I’m not actually using a mic. I’m just talking REAL loud.
EG: Huh. Well, shake my hand, stupid.

Shawn and Edge share a brief handshake, and then Shawn superkicks him back down to the midcard. Then Shawn superkicks Christie for taking the Lord’s name in vain.

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Wow. Straight off of Heat. Not really as impressive as being straight out of Compton, mind, but still. Man, Hurricane must be really mentally resilient. Kid still thinks he’s a Superhero, but he’s jobbing ALL the time. I guess maybe he thinks he’s Robin or something, and his constant jobbing is part of some greater storyline. But really, it’s been going for YEARS now, so I’m pretty sure the guy is just nuts. And that’s sad. Suga Shane had such a promising career in WCW, then he went nuts. Most people would blame Hollywood Actor Steve Austin, but not me. I blame Tazz’ (Tazz’s? Taz’z Tazzzzz’zzz?) Spanish speaking watch. Maven wins.

WWE RAW Divas Maria Tennyson Lund and Josh Matthews are attempting to both walk and talk, and therefore trip seven times before they finally stop.

Maria Tennyson Lund: What’s up with JBL being on our show?
Josh Matthews: What?
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?
Sean Cold Val Venis: What?
MTL: Yeah, I don’t know why I just said that? What am I, like, talking about?
JM: Josh Matthews here with Maria Tennyson Lund, and Maria, how are you this evening?
MTL: I’m fine, Josh, thank you! Maria Tennyson Lund here with Josh Matthews and Josh how are you this evening.
JM: I’m fine, Maria, thank you! Josh Matthews here with-
Abe Orton: Hi.
MTL: Yikes! Maria Tennyson Lu-
JM: Josh Matthews here-
MTL: Go ahead.
JM: Go ahead.
MTL: Damn.
JM: Damn.
AO: I’m looking for a Diva.
MTL: Oh, they all got fired.
JM: Yeah, Sorry.
AO: Damn. Ok. Sorry to bother you guys then. You’ve got really nice knees, guys. Don’t blow them out.
JM: Thank you.
MTL: Thank you.

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In the Bischoffice…

Jonathan Coachman: You wanted to talk to me?
Eric Bischoff: You couldn’t have won the Rumble?
JC: No.
EB: Damn. Have you seen those sneaky Smackdown guys around here?
JC: No. I did see Friar Ferguson, though. Talk about crazy go nuts…
EB: Dammit, Coach, FOCUS!! The Smackdown guys are around here somewhere and they’re plotting to take over the show. I know it.
Theodore Long: I buhleedat!
EB: See?!
JC: Woah.
TL: Yeah, playa, I’m here. But I’m just here to promote my next PPV, WWE No Way Out of Buying This PPV if You Want to Know Who’s Main Eventing Wrestlemania for the Smackdown Brand. Buhleedat.
EB: So you’re not here to try to take over our show?
TL: No, no. I don’t haterize, player. But I did send Eddie Guerrero through to try to steal Batista. You dig?
EB: No.
TL: That’s too bad. We really need Dave over on Smackdown, player.
EB: Did you play the JBL tape.
TL: No, no. That was Kevin Dunn, player.
EB: I feel that.

Randy Orton is with Intergalactic Space Hussy Who Won’t Return My Calls Stacy Keibler

Intergalactic Space Hussy and Slutty McSlutterson Stacy Keibler: Hi.
Randy Orton: Oh. Hi.
IGSHSMSSK: You should really have that concussion, like, checked out.
RO: Stacy, what is the meaning of life?
IGSHSMSSK: Uh…Is it 42?
RO: Hmm…If there was nobody left in the whole company…would the WWE push Paul London?
IGSHSMSSK: Well…I mean…yeah…no?
RO: I’ve just hacked into your mind.
IGSHSMSSK: Are you coming on to me?
RO: Perhaps. Or perhaps I’m just awash in a sea of knowledge.
IGSHSMSSK: Totally.

Chris Jericho is the only one left in the world that cares about hockey.

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Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit v. La Resistance
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Poor La Resistance, from getting beat up and violated by Dave last week to having to wrestle TWO guys still higher on the card than them this week. Benoit and Jericho engage in several vigorous rest holds, before allowing La Resistance to beat up Benoit for a bit while Jericho hands out copies of Fozzy’s new album to all the front few rows. And now, it’s in three times the number of hands for free than it was sold. Jericho comes back into the match and then all the guys decide that maybe it’s best that they just agree to disagree, so they head to the back to the back to drink with Friar Ferguson. Double count out. Yay! Everybody saves their heat!

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Hassan and Daivari are pissed off because everybody dog piled them at the Rumble and tossed them out. I’M pissed because I drew Hassan and Puder in my Rumble game. What the hell is with that? Not to mention that my OTHER guy was London. Geez. Hassan challenges any American to come down and wrestle, and of course nobody is more American than the Sarge. YO JOE! He and Scarlet drive to the ring in the ATV actionplayset, and Sarge and Hassan immediately begin firing at each other from across the ring, missing by at least three feet every time. Destro’s attempt at interference was deflected by Roadblock, but Dr. Mindbender flies in on his flying chair and kicks Sarge in the back of the head. Hassan wins. Cobra!

Jericho and Benoit are babbling backstage.

Chris Benoit: You should have won that match.
Chris Jericho: Oh yeah? Where’s YOUR win?
CB: I haven’t won since…like…last year, dude.
CJ: You think I ever win? No sir.
CB: We’re the suckiest tag team ever, aren’t we.
CJ: Sure we are.
CB: Man, this is uncomfortably close.
CJ: You want me to back off?
CB: No…stay.
CJ: Oh, come on, not THIS again.
CB: Don’t deny your feelings, Jericho.
CJ: Shut up.
CB: Sorry. Oh damn, is that camera on? CRAP!
The Voice of the Undertaker: I am not pleased.
Eric Bischoff: I TOLD YOU THEY WERE HERE!

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Triple H and Flair are backstage…

Triple H: Man, I can’t believe I’m getting away with this.
Ric Flair: Getting away with what, champ?
HHH: Uh…nothing. Hey, if Batista won Smackdown’s title, wouldn’t that be neat? Then we could all have titles.
RF: What abou-
HHH: You could beat Rhyno for the ECW title.
RF: WOO!
HHH: Yeah, isn’t it great? The HHH EXPRESS RIDES AGAIN!
RF: Dave will take JBL’s old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOO!
HHH: Ew.
RF: On his Space Mountain.
HHH: EW!
RF: WOO!
HHH: Then, in a few weeks, Kevin Nash announces that he’s joining Evolution and wins the TNA title, and then we can finally shut this whole thing down and go work in Japan for tons more cash.
RF: We’re going to Japan next week.
HHH: Already? Wow, I was honestly thinking this plan would take a little longer than that.

Eric Bischoff comes out and says that he will not be deterred by Smackdown’s presence, because next week RAW is going to be emanating from Japan, and you know what that means! TONS of Tajiri, one or the other of Jericho and Benoit actually going over, and probably no promos or backstage angles! It’s like a house show…but on TV! The live crowd boos, because, let’s face it, nobody cares about what’s happening NEXT WEEK we want Edge/HHH NOW!! Ok, maybe not.

Great start to this ma-

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HEY! Knock that off. The girlz scream for Orton, but I don’t get it. I’m young, I’m good looking, why doesn’t anybody cheer for ME when I attack old people? Where are MY groupies?! Is it because he beat me for the Stacy Title? Honestly, I can’t even remember falling over. Seriously. I must have amnesia or something. Triple H and Michaels fight because they haven’t gotten out all their aggression towards each other yet, I guess. Dave runs in the ring and sticks his tongue out at WWE RAW Referee Earl Hebner which is enough for an ejection, but Dave smiles, knowing that he got the best of that exchange.

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We come back and everybody is laying in the center of the ring looking up at the lights and reminiscing about when they were great wrestlers. Everybody laughs whenever Orton talks. Later, Flair falls over, but Hebner doesn’t notice so Orton doesn’t win. Pissed off, Orton smacks himself in the face and immediately gets a concussion. That’s two nights in a row he’s done that. Triple H tries to take advantage with a PEDIGREE TO ORTON~!, but he’s nailed with a Superkick by a prancing Michaels, but HHH has a JAW of STEEL, so he stays up, only to be hit with a Spear by Edge who was just passing through, with all this distraction occurring, Flair begs off, which allows Orton to get the pin and the win. Orton has pinned the CHAMPION! IN A TAG MATCH! Will anyone care?

No?

Ok, then.

Kane v. Abe Orton
Rage in the Cage

This cage needed a bit more Kane. You can tell. It was all sad, and then Kane came out and it perked up immediately. Kane and Abe fight back and forth for a while trying to escape the cage, but neither guy can, despite the fact that we’re, like, twenty minutes over right now. SOMEBODY GET OUT! Trish Stratus comes running out to tell them to wrap it up, but she bangs her knee on the stairs and blows them out, allowing Kane to chokeslam her. Pissed at this unnecessary knee injury, Abe gently slides the cage door off and throws it at Kane, who nimbly catches it, opens it, and escapes. Snitsky is so pissed that he hardly notices when the cage collapses around him and kills him.

Next Week: Dave makes his big decision, he’s jumping to MCDONALDS! Randy Orton recovers from his most recent concussion by treating Intergalactic Space Hussy and Straight F Student Stacy Keibler to trip to “Epcot”, ew…Education! And Edge endears himself to the fans in the Land of the Rising Sun, by dressing like a samurai and beheading Todd Grisham.

SEE YOU IN JAPAN!! In the meantime, read the grand conclusion of Part One of Satire of the Rings!