(Opening Credits)
 

Chris Benoit: Listen up! I want to know what all this talk aboot briefcases is all aboot! I need that briefcase, because I’m planning on taking my superior charisma and talking ability to become a motivational speaker, and I need a briefcase to make my PPV T-Shirts and Toothless agression tights seem more business-like.
Shelton Benjamin: ZZZzzzz…What?
CB: Do you feel sufficiently motivated?
SB: You’re damn right, because their ain’t no stoppin’ me from becoming the WWE Champion…NAH! Look at this, I’m the WWE Intercontinental Champion-
Chris Jericho: You ARE? When the hell did that happen?
SB: Like, a long time ago, man.
CJ: No kidding. Huh.
SB: Anyway, that means that I’m the number one contender and in line for a big push, so obviously I’m the one who is supposed to get the briefcase.
CJ: Ahahahahahahahaha…Oh man.
CB: Hahahahahahahahaha…Oh man.
SB: What’s that supposed to mean.
CJ: Man, being the Intercontinental Champion doesn’t mean squat unless you’re Randy Orton. Look at us, we’ve been Intercontinental Champions a couple dozen times, at least, and it took us years to get World Titles, and even then we weren’t getting pushed.
SB: Aw, crap.

Wait, wait, wait! Here’s Chris Tian and Tyson Tomko (w/ The Goatee) to come out and rebut.

Chris Tian: You guys think you’re hungry for a briefcase? I NEED a briefcase really bad. I’ve got all this crap laying around in the back seat of the car, and I really need to put it all in something, and this briefcase is all I can think of, because I’m pretty sure Tomko is sick of putting it all in the Goatee.
Tyson Tomko: ….
CT: I’m sorry, all right? GEEZ!

Here’s Edge.

Edge: I’m also in this match. I just wanted everybody to remember that. God, why do I have to keep working with you losers. I am sick and tired of seeing the same five people in all my matches, and now, I’ve got to wrestle all five of you in one match. The only one of you I can stand is Tomko.
SB: You don’t even need a briefcase!
EG: No, but I was going to give it to Matt as a “Sorry I banged your girl” present.
CJ: Well, that’s very sporting of you.
EG: Yeah.
CT: Yeeeeeaah.
CB: Right.
TT: ….
SB: So, uh, did you guys want to have a match?
CJ: I guess.
CB: I’ve got nothing better to do.
CT: Sure.
TT: ….

Everyone looks at Edge.

EG: God, fine. I just want you all to know that I hate you.

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The guys run around the ring to start. Tomko blows up. This match needs a little more Kane. It’s too bad there’s so many faces in this match. I think it would be great if Christian won, because the WWE would hate it if he was main eventing a PPV. Benoit nails Tomko with a head butt, and Benoit’s forehead breaks open. That’s a good way to impress those business types. Forget the briefcase. Bleed at them. They’ll be talking about it in the urinals for weeks. Or in the women’s bathroom I guess. If it’s one of those types of businesses.

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I’m just kidding. Geez. Everybody knows women would just be grossed out by Benoit’s bloody forehead wagging at them. Plus, all you guys talk about in there is that cute new guy working in the cubicle by the window. I wonder if he’s single? But did you see that mole on his cheek? What is UP with that thing? He should get that checked for cancer. Just try not to stare at it. Stare at his eyes. They’re so dreamy! Do women still say “dreamy”. I doubt anybody has ever said it about me, regardless. Of course, I have a neck, which is one luxury Benoit doesn’t have. Woah, there’s still this match going on, isn’t there? Everybody nails their finishers, including Tomko, because we’ve got to keep the Heat guys looking strong, but the ending comes when Chris Jericho gets Tyson in he Walls of Jericho forcing the tap out. Jericho finally wins a match, which clearly means that he’s getting jobbed out at mania. Good work, Chris! Wait! Kane is out for the post-match beat down! Kane clears house! Kane climbs the ladder, and poses as if he were grabbing at an imaginary briefcase! Kane you fool! You got lucky, Jericho. Now Kane will suffer the “Pre-PPV Match Victory Bad Luck”.

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Uh-oh. Eric Bischoff and Batista are locked in a promo struggle. Two men enter…both men will probably die.

Eric Bischoff: Hey, Dave.
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am getting ready for my big PROMO!
EB: Yeah, I know. I’ll let you go in a second. I just wanted you to promise me that you wouldn’t, you know, get into a big silly fight with Hunter tonight.
DBD: But I want to cave in his SKULL!
EB: Uh, I’d kind of rather you didn’t. We’re kind of banking on this match to carry the whole Pay Per View.
DBD: I’ll do it for YOU! You remind me of my favorite movie STAR!
EB: Tom Cruise?
DBD: Sean CONNERY!
EB: Because I’m cool and sexy like James Bond?
DBD: Because you are old and kind of CREEPY!
EB: I’m going to leave.
DBD: Enjoy the PICKLES!

Christy and Lita are wandering around backstage. They appear to be preparing for a match of some sort, which is really silly if you sit down and think about it. At least Christy is wearing pants this week. Lita reminds Christy to do exactly what they planned.

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Christy Hemme (w/ Lita) v. Trish Stratus
In an Arm Wrestling “Match” (?)

WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan is on the mic. Oh, awesome!

WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan: Hi. Uh…hi, everybody. I’m WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan, and I just wanted to tell you that I think this segment right here is crap. It sucks, and we both know it. But…uh…I got kids and baby mommas to feed, so let’s get on with it. Oh, and buy my album. It’s called Songs in the Key of Doan. It drops…uh…April 19th. It’s kind of a fusion of Jazz and R&B with a little Reggae. I don’t know. I think you’ll like it.

Jack Doan is obviously the best promo man in the WWE today. They should send him over to Smackdown and put him in a program with Cena. Trish and Christy lock up, and Trish stabs Christy in the face with a pen. That was Trish’s plan from last week! Christy calmly slams Trish’s arm to the table. Trish stabs again and again and again, but Christy hulks up. Trish jams the pen into Lillian Garcia, who promptly starts on fire, and runs off. Lita is confused. Christy flexes and cups her ears to the crowd.

Randy Orton is wandering around backstage, no doubt looking for Stacy so he can apologize. She’s no legend. Well, maybe she’s a legendary skank, but still. That’s no reason to make her fall over, Randall!

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Randy Orton is now in the ring. Maybe he’ll have something to say. Let’s find out, shall we?

Randy Orton: A lot of people are talking about what I did last week. They say I’m a coward. They say I’m a misogynist! Well, I say, I don’t know what the meanings of those words are! I’m a legend killer, dammit, and I’m here to kill off whatever legend Wrestlemania may have had by being on it, and also, possibly some map legends along the way, time and weather permitting. Let me ask you, citizens of Texicola, New Mexicola, is it so wrong, what I did last week? I’ve had to earn for what I’ve fought, and now this little asscake wants to run around with me? I even asked her, “Stacy-wacy, do you think Takerster and me will have a slaptastic merry romp through the glades, for which internet columnists will be forced to eat twenty and two thirds blackberry pies and stick thumb tacks in their eyes?” And you know what she said to me? “What?” And then Steve Austin said, “What?” and ol’ Sean Cold said, “What?” It was a simple question! Will we or won’t me? But she was too dumb to answer in the timely 1.8 seconds I gave her, so I had to let her go. We don’t need any dumb people on Team Orton. No, no. We’ve got all the dumb we can handle.

BONG

The Voice of the Undertaker: You can say that again.
RO: The Takerster!
TVotU: Quit calling me that! That’s not my name!
RO: What do you want, Underquacker?
TVotU: Ugh. You left this over on Smackdown two weeks ago.
RO: My three cornered hat! It’s floating in mid air as if by magic.
TVotU: Well, at least you’re keeping up kayfabe, kid. Now here watch this video of my greatest WrestleMania moments.

Nathan Jones! A-Train! Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’ Bossman Sid! GIANT GONZALEZ~!

RO: Wow! You’re the best, I have to make admittance.
TVotU: Somebody is going to die for that.
RO: I’ve got to run away! Do something cool!

Undertaker makes the ring explode. J.R. mentions that the ring is no BBQ pit, and that nobody is going to be cooking steak on it in six days, but that doesn’t stop a few fans from making Smores. Mmmm.

BONG

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Orton is backstage. Kane comes up to him.

Orton: If you’re here to Jack Doan the lack of wrestling on this show, forget about it! I’ve already made my attempt at such a foot.
Kane: Do you know what the secret to beating the Undertaker is?
RO: The secret to beating your evil twin brother? In truth I cannot say that I do! Tell me your yarn!
Kane: I take it that means no?
RO: Nope.
KN: Damn.
RO: You don’t know of it either?
KN: I’ve been trying to figure it out for, like, 10 years. Crap. I should have known you’d be a longshot. I wonder if Viscera knows.
Viscera: Nah, man. I only know how to get him to wear stupid opera masks.
KN: Truly he is a fashion icon.

Maven and Nova v. La Resistance v. Tajiri and William Regal
For the WWE Tag Team Championships

This is about as close as any of these guys is coming to a WrestleMania match this year. This should be good as Nova invented tag team wrestling back on a 1998 ECW PPV. I think it was “Virgin Gangbang”, but I could be wrong on the year. Then again, maybe it was at “Cyberslam” or as we industry types know it, “Just Virgins”. Tajiri starts off with some kicks. Regal is down. I don’t think Tajiri has quite grasped the concept of this three way dance tag match. That move only worked for the Outlaws. I wonder what happened to them. I’ll just do a little Google Search and-yikes. TNA. Sorry, guys. La Resistance spends the entire match complaining about the fact that they’re the only tag team left, and they totally miss Tajiri nailing Maven with the Chartreuse Mist (Compels you to paint your house green) and thus also miss Maven getting counted out as he leaves to go buy a house and paint it green. Regal and Tajiri win! They’re goin’ to Wrestlemania! To be in a backstage segment with Christy and Lita!

Triple H is making kissy faces at himself in the mirror when Eric Bischoff walks in.

Eric Bischoff: Ehem.
Triple H: Oh, nothing. Nothing. Just flexing my lips you know. Gotta keep in shape any way possible, haha. There’s a whole chapter on lip flexing in my book. Now it’s time to move on to my nose.
EB: I think your nose is built up enough.
HHH: What do you want?
EB: I’d like to ask you not to attack Dave tonight. I’ve got a main event to protect here. If you fight him now, buying the PPV would be pointless.
HHH: Oh, we’ll sell plenty. People will buy Mania even if I’m Main Eventing against Stevie Richards. Speaking of, I’ve got this great idea for next year….
EB: Hunter?
HHH: Yeah?
EB: ….
HHH: Fine. I’ll be good. Uh…now if you’ll excuse me I’ve gotta do fifty reps with my tongue against this mannequin here.
Al Snow: Head!
HHH: You stay away from her!

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Hassan and Daivari have hit the ring. Not really, that would be silly, I mean the ring isn’t a person, folks, you shouldn’t hit it, but I mean that they’re in the ring. I probably should have just said that, huh? Hassan has the mic.

Muhammed Hassan: It seems the WWE has booked itself into quite the pickle, eh, Daivari?
Khosrow Daivari: Whatever do you mean, Muhammed?
MH: Well, I can’t possibly job tonight, because I’ve got to keep my heat for the Hulkster to kill at Wrestlemania. But at the same time, no way in HELL I’m going over Shawn Michaels.
KD: Maybe I can do a run-in with the Magic Carpet Ride.
MH: Not a chance, my friend. We’re already boardline in terms of decency. I’m pretty sure that one would put us over the top.
KD: I miss the heady days when I used to be a wrestler.
MH: Have fun jobbing in Ring of Honor, then.
KD: I’ll be good. I’ll be good.
MH: And to Brooke Hogan.
KD: Yeah. Great career I’ve got here.

Shawn prances out to try to convert the infidels. I think the first place to start is with mirror chaps. Really, if the U.S. Army was wearing mirror chaps, we would have been so much more fearsome. Hassan and Daivari don’t seem too impressed. Maybe I’m off in my assumptions of what an Italian guy from Michigan and an Iranian guy think on the subject of hammer pants. Hassan starts off working the back, which is great, because this match needs some restholds so that we can break for….

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I didn’t know Daivari lives in Minnesota. Huh. He also worked for WOW. What the hell? Who was he? Jungle Grrl’s bookie? He also worked for a promotion named “Interstate 8” Aka “NWA: We Ran Out of Friggin’ Names Ok?”. Not surprisingly, it’s the fourth most popular NWA territory right after TNA, Wildside, and Bunch of Old WCW Jobbers. Their champion is Barry Darsow! Shawn Michaels sets up for the Superkick, but he’s tackled by a nearly disrobed Kurt Angle, who I believe is the only guy left who remembers that he and Shawn are feuding. After a few minutes, Angle ducks out, leaving Hassan to take a super kick, but it’s too late because Shawn already won by DQ. Somebody play Hassan’s music anyway. Lelealeaoooooo…Man, don’t tell anybody, but I love Sting. Charlie Haas runs out, but he’s tackled by security, because his match with Hassan is CALLED OFF, dammit!

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Bischoff is yelling at The Police (w/ Sting) about how lax security has been tonight. Yeah, Angle and Haas should never have gotten in. What’s next? Lodi bringing signs down to ringside? Pay attention guys. Bischoff storms off, and Sting makes an impassioned plea for everyone to go out and see his movie about how he became a born again. Steal it if you have to. But make sure to remember confess that sin!

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Bischoff calls out the participants for this makeshift debate. Triple H has problems kicking something under the table. What’s down there? Charlie Haas? Dave comes down and poses on the ramps. Flair and Triple H are free to point and laugh at him now that they’re not in a stable together anymore. Poor Dave. Dave has inexplicably taken off all his clothes and is now in his wrestling gear. Maybe the pants seat ripped? I hate when that happens. And he can’t very well come out dressed in a nice coat and tie and tights.

Triple H: Dave, I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. Didn’t you learn a single damn thing in Evolution? I hold up and coming superstars down. It’s what I do. It’s all I do. And I’m pretty damn good at it too. Yet, here you are, begging to be held down. What the hell is your problem, man? I always knew you were slow, but come on, man. I raised you to be better than this. Instead you’re just going to let me sit here and with Triple Naitch and Nibblins as my witness, swear to hold you down for the rest of your career? You’re older than me, Dave. You deserve better than this!

Dave Davidson, for the block!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Are you talking to ME? I’m SORRY! I stopped paying ATTENTION! Because you are BORING! SEE? I can be CLEVER! Triple Naitch, you are still on my Buddy LIST! We’ll chat about ponies some TIME! But Triple H, you are a no good DUMMY! And as of this moment, you are off my Buddy LIST!

Triple H is incensed! He flips the table, which Mantaur had been hiding under, and stares down Batista. They go nose to nose, and Batista can’t reach Triple H to hit him with the OSPREY BOMB TO TRIPLE H~! so they both kind of just stand there and stare. Flair flips out, and is gored by Mantaur. Eric Bischoff has seen just about enough of this, sensing the approaching end to the overrun, and sends in the Police. Scorpion Death Drops all around. The police pose over the fallen bodies. THE POLICE ARE GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! I hope Gutenberg and that guy who makes noises are there. Weewahweewah. That guy’s hilarious man.

Sunday Night: Dave easily beats Triple H, becoming the first man ever to win both the WWE World Title and Where In Time is Carmen Sandiego. Matt Hardy prevents Edge from winning the Six Way, allowing Benoit to sneak in a win and become the greatest Technical Speaker in the history of Motivational Speaking. And things finally feel like WrestleMania when legends Trish Stratus and Christy Hemme hit the ring.

Scenes From Training with Lita and Christy
Chapter Four: She’s Unstop…A bull?

Lita is with Christy Hemme. Lita is slamming a chair into Christy’s knee.

Lita: Why can’t you get hurt!
Christy Hemme: I don’t know! I’m trying real hard, honest.
Lita: Trying bashing your face into this washing machine.
CH: Ok.

Christy rams her head full force into the washing machine. The washing machine flies through the wall, crushing Hurricane. Christy stands up and looks at Lita with tears in her eyes.

CH: What’s wrong with me?
LT: I don’t know, Christy. I don’t know. Did you try waxing off?

Christy looks confused. Lita walks off to think.

Trish Stratus: Well?
LiT: I don’t know. We’ve tried everything. Not even ghetto stabbings worked.
TS: I’m not losing to pie ass at Wrestlemania.
LT: Well, I don’t know what to tell you.
TS: It’s like she’s a superhero or something.
The Hurricane: Hey! Can you at least take this washer off my head?
LT: It’s like she’s Unstop…a bull?
Mantaur: Heeeey…Lita. Baby. Did you get my flowers.
LT: Yes, Manny, I got them.
MT: Sooo…what are you thinking? About you and me, I mean.
LT: Not a chance, Manny.
MT: Darn. I was thinking, because you and Matt. I mean that whole…thing….
LT: This is a very difficult time in my life, Manny, I don’t think having sex with a guy who is half bull is going to help much.
MT: Oh, sure. Play the species card. I see. Real nice, Lita.
LT: Oh, Manny, it’s not like that.
MT: No, no. All you women are the same. In your wacky party days, it’s FUN to have sex with the bull guy! Woah! Crazy! Kinky! But once you get older, less wild, no more love for the Taurman…Er…Mantaur. We could have had something special, Lita, you and I.
LT: Will I see you at Wrestlemania?
MT: I don’t know Lita. It’s easy to see that the problems of a minotaur and his crazy slut of an ex-girlfriend don’t amount to a hill of beans in the crazy world of pro-wrestling. But probably, because Batista offered me fifty bucks to run in and Gore Flair.

Lita’s eyes will up with tears as she hugs Mantaur.

MT: Here’s looking at you, kid. Mooo!

Mantaur runs through a nearby wall.

TS: What the hell just happened there.
CH: I think I just broke a nail.
TS: All right! Progress!
LT: I don’t think there’ll be another man…half man…quite like Manny.
Edge: Hey!
Matt Hardy: Double hey!
Kane: Triple Hey!
Triple H: I don’t get it.
MT: Did somebody say they had some hay?

The End?