(Opening Credits)

Who loves you, baby? It’s Triple H. I think he’s just pissed off that he couldn’t get Sarah McLaughlin to play him down to the ring last night. I’ll tell 

It’s all about the Game,
And how you play it,
All pancakes are the same,
Unless you use Bisquick.

It’s all about the Mets,
And if they can swing it,
It’s all about control,
I don’t know what I’m saying.

Look at your sugar,
Get ready for fun.
See my mug shot,
On the Smoking Gun.
Time to burn a Flame!
Blah Blah Blah BLAH!
Woohaha!

Hunter is on the mic.

Triple H: Hi. You know, originally, this spot was reserved for Batista. I mean, I admit it, he won the World Title, last night, but if you think my winning it back is far off, you’re kidding yourself. I give Dave until Bad Blood, maybe, before he completely looses it and gives the title back to me. I mean, Nibblins is a better choice as World Champion. Besides, what would happen if we gave Dave the mic tonight? This is exactly what he would say, “I’m the World CHAMPION! I’m the stupidest person EVER! Triple H is super COOL!” Man, nobody wants to hear that crap. Everybody wants to hear MY crap. Or didn’t we learn anything with Benoit? I mean, look at him. That was the most boring World Title reign ever, and don’t get me started on Randy. Besides, you’re gonna get your fill of a champion talking and talking and never shutting up on Smackdown, believe me. If Dave knows what’s good for him, he’ll just shut up and give me my win back at Backlash. Now, excuse me while I yell at this guy.

Hunter begins screaming at Jimmy McJones, Ringside Fan. Jimmy uses the opportunity to kiss Triple H’s nose. Not knowing quite what to do, Triple H backs up the entrance ramp.

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Chris Jericho v. Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and the Goatee) v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Jericho and Shelton fight with Christian to start, but you can tell their hearts aren’t in it. They are just absolutely sick of wrestling each other. Jericho locks Christian in the Walls of Jericho. Tian sighs, rolls his eyes, and takes a nap. Meanwhile, Shelton brawls with Tomko. They obviously haven’t been in the WWE long enough to be bored with the midcard. They’ll learn. I think Shelton is still just thrilled that he was able to drop Haas. Jericho begins nodding off, but Shelton comes flying off the top knocking Jericho down and Shelton picks up the win. There ain’t no stopping him…NAH! Shelton and Tomko high-five to celebrate their awesome match. Ah, the innocence of youth.

Edge is backstage in the Bischoffice.

Edge: This briefcase is AWESOME! Look! A pocket for my cellphone charger! Now all I need is a cell phone!
Eric Bischoff: I thought you were giving that to Matt Hardy.
EG: Screw Matt Hardy. With this briefcase, maybe people will finally take me seriously as a wrestler.
EB: Let me guess, you’re going to start wearing a tie and suspenders and be the new IRS.
EG: No, man. I can’t. Trish stole my suspenders.
EB: So about that World Title shot….
EG: Oh! Did you see this? A secret pocket! I can put all KINDS of crazy crap in there. Like…uh…Gum!
EB: Do you want to take that this week, or…you know? When?
EG: Man, I can’t WAIT until I have some papers to put in here! Can I have these Post-It Notes?
EB: Go nuts.
EG: Crazy Go Nuts! Man, now I just need some pens.
EB: Edge. Do you want to wrestle Batista this week?
EG: What are you crazy? My first night with this main event briefcase, I don’t want to be jobbing to no Daves.
EB: Then you’re wrestling Benoit.
EG: Aw crap.
EB: Hey, you had a choice.
EG: Yeah, yeah. At least Benoit is still a big jobber.
EB: Actually, he’s a lil’ tiny jobber.
EG: Yeah, he is. Look at that lil’ Jobber.
EB: Yeah.
EG: Yeah.
EB: Did you just steal my letter opener.
EG: This briefcase has a SHEATH for that. I mean, a SHEATH!
EB: Wait…Really? Man, I’ve just had that thing sitting in my office since I used it to give Triple H the World Title a few years ago. It’s got all that crap in it? That’s awesome.
EG: Yeah well, back off.
EB: Man, now I want a briefcase.

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Randy Orton is in the ring.

Randy Orton: As a great lesbian of our day, Joey Lawrence, once said, “Woah! Woah is me!” I canst not believe it, I jobbed to the Underquacker. Truly, he waddled down that island, struck his pose, and then he took me right down to where the sun doesn’t rise, Japan I think? And there I jobbed to a Pepperoni Pizza. And I tried. I tried to have my daddy help. I tried to hit him with a Pizza of my own making. But in the end, it was that stupid Eugene that finished me. He came up to be before the show and said, “Randy Orton, greaterest than any wrestler living or dead, is it true what I heard on the Extranet? Will you really miss four moths of action?” And I said, “Nah!” But then I got to thinking, what if he’s right? Then my head hurt, and I forgot all about my match. So now I don’t know what’s going on. What I do know, however, is that I’m tired of seeing Dave out here trying to start what I finished! A hot young wrestler out of Evolution who falters in his big push? That’s my job, Davis! MY JOB!

Eric Bischoff is out.

Eric Bischoff: No. We’ve already got two world title angles.
RO: But whyyyyyy, Mr. Bigstuff? You’ve said it yourself! I’m the greetest Worldy Champion in all the seven seas! You cannot deny the magnatism that is the Orton!
EB: No, no. I’m not going to let you talk me into this.
RO: Talk you into what? Don’t you agree that I’m a porcelain god?
EB: A huh?
RO: And that if you were missing your teeth, that you could find them carried on the moonbeams of a rainbow.
EB: I guess.
RO: You are truly bowling, sir, bowling for the donuts of life. I feel your pain and wish to correct the inconsistency of the pancakes of your soul.. I’m ready to flap to your rescue!
EB: I…uh…?
RO: So what do you say, Erin? Can I open the cookie jar of life, one last time, stick my head in, and lick the creamidy centers of the Oreos of existence.
EB: Sure. I think?
RO: Fantastical! I’ll see you in the main event!
EB: Wait. No! Huh?

Trish Stratus is wandering around backstage looking for a dress shirt. No luck.

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Christy Hemme (w/ Lita) v. Trish Stratus
For The WWE Women’s Title

Trish is THIS close to making a passable Amish Roadkill. This was actually one of the ten best matches of the year. April Fools! Actually it wasn’t even one of the ten best matches of this show. Trish kicks Christy to start. Lita is all offended because Trish is using an actual move. Trish kicks Lita in the knee. I’m with Trish here. Lita failed in her mission to get Christy grievously injured. Trish has every right to be pissed off. Trish rips Lita’s leg off and begins beating Christy with it until Christy sprains her ankle. Good work, Trish! Matt Hardy begins to write a lengthy message board post about how this is God’s way of telling Lita that she’s a filthy slut.

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Ok, if you didn’t see Wrestlemania, here’s what happened. Eugene came out, and he was talking about how he’d read some rumors on the Internet about how Mohammed Hassan was going to job to Hulk Hogan. Hassan was so pissed off that Eugene reminded people that that was supposed to happen that he ran out to stop him. Unfortunately, this led to Hulk Hogan hobbling out and attacking Hassan. Poor Hassan. Then, when Daivari attempted to make the save, Brooke Hogan came in and sang at him, rendering him stupid. Charlie Haas came out for his scheduled match with Hassan, but by that time, the show had already gone to video package. Hey…None of this happened tonight!

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Shawn Michaels comes out, and he’s only at about half prance. Those injuries are sure bitches, I’ll tell you what. He’s trying though. Maybe we’ll find out what he’s thinking.

Shawn Michaels: Hi. Listen, I’ve gotta say, I’m sorry about that Mania match. I really should have won, but it totally slipped my mind for about four weeks that I even had a match at Mania, and then suddenly, I was like, “Oh, snap! I’ve got a match tonight?!” So I’m sorry I lost. Something tells me you people don’t give a rat’s ass though. You just came out here to see guys in underwear talk about each other and titties. Which is fine. I know I’ve still got all my fans. Right? Oh, screw you. I’m movin’ to Smackdown. I AM NOT JOBBING TO DOGS! You hear me, McMahon? Get your ass out of your wheelchair, and call USA, and tell them Shawn Michaels is NOT being preempted by a Scottish Terrier ever again! Unless they bring back Pacific Blue.

Leyleahleyleahaaaaa! It’s Sting! Maybe he’s out to laugh about how WCW loved Dog Show night. Wait…It’s Hassaan. What does he want? Oh great. He’s got a mic.

Khosrow Daivari: I can’t believe I jobbed to Brooke Hogan!
Muhammed Hassan: Let me handle this one, Khos.
KD: I told you to stop calling me that!
MH: Hey, Shawn. Did you ever think that the Dogs are way more over than you are? That Scottish Terrier is drawing twice the ratings you are.
HBK: That’s not true! That’s impossible!
MH: Search the ratings. You know it to be true!
HBK: NOOOOO!
MH: What is it with you that you won’t believe me? Do you hate me because of my race?
HBK: Yes. I hate you because you’re Italian. Ever since I couldn’t beat Mario Brothers, I’ve always had this thing against Italians with stupid facial hair.
Hassan: I thought so. But, before you make with the big talk, maybe you should shut up and deal with the fact that, unless you DO get thrust onto the Smackdown Roster with Orton, you DESERVE to get your ass humped by Lassie.
HBK: Nobody humps things around here but me!

With that, Shawn attacks, but unfortunately, his near victory is incredibly short lived, as Daivari notices the limp in Shawn’s prancing and kicks Shawn in the back of the knee. With Michaels down, Hassan and Daivari spend some time beating up his body. The crowd chants for “Hogan,” which…Doesn’t anybody remember the last time that happened? Anybody? Mr. America, people. Then again, if Hulk shows up and punks out Batista and wins the title, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Benoit is wearing one sleeve. He’s like the new Kane! This show needs more Kane. Lots more. Edge has the briefcase. What the hell has he put in there now? Charlie Haas? I think there’s a Charlie Haas shaped pocket in there somewhere. Edge works the arm. And then he works the arm. The arm is worked. Benoit tries some suplexes and some arm related restholds, but he can’t get them to work, because…You know? Edge has been working the arm. A Chris Jericho level of offense being applied here.

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Benoit tries the Sharpshooter, which, surprisingly enough, has little to do with the arm. He then goes for the head butt, also no arm. What the hell happened to the story of the match? See? Benoit has no grasp on psychology. Edge is totally schooling him. Benoit goes for the Crippler Resthold, which does involve the arm, and Edge takes advantage of this, by reminding Benoit that he shouldn’t be able to do this move because his arm really hurts. Benoit crumples in a pile of pain, and Edge readies the spear. Unfortunately for Edge, however, Benoit doesn’t know how to sell the arm either, and he rolls Edge up coming in. Benoit wins. Frustrated, Edge dumps Benoit onto his head on the steel stairs. J.R. goes nuts. What, did Edge do your wife?

(ads…Oh Holy Crap! A new Diva’s Mag! OMG DIVA TITTIES~! I love you WWE~!~!~!~!TILDE EXCLAIMATION POINT)

Nova, Maven, and Lillian Garcia are all in the ring. Oh, man. If any situation called for Kane to run out and set everyone on fire, this is it.

Nova: Hello everyone. I’d just like to tell you, that I should have been on Mania. I mean, what happened to my Battle Royal? I invented Wrestlemania! I invented Battle Royals!
Maven: I’m Maven!
Nova: Now we’re going to start Lillian Garcia on fire!

Hey! It’s Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?
MV: Huh?
SCSA: Not Huh. What?
MV: Ok.
SCSA: Wow. Look at this. Who’d have thunk it? Look at us. Triple H, The Rock and Steve Austin together in the ring again.
MV: I…uh…no?
SCSA: What?
MV: I’m not The Rock.
SCSA: What?
MV: Not Dewayne Johnson.
SCSA: What?
MV: I’m Maven.
SCSA: What?
NV: And I’m not Triple H. That’s why I cut my hair.
SCSA: What?
NV: I’m Nova.
SCSA: Aw, hell. Why am I in this segment with all these jobbers?

STUNNER TO MAVEN~! STUNNER TO NOVA~! STUNNER TO LILLIAN~! OMG~! AUSTIN~! AUSTIN~! AUSTIN~!

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Orton is wandering around backstage. He finds some more Kane backstage.

Kane: Dude, what the hell are you doing back here in this red corner?
Randy Orton: Oh. I thought it was pretty and shiny.
KN: I can’t believe you. You sucked worse at fighting the Undertaker than I ever did. And that’s saying something.
RO: Yeah. I’ll make admittance that I was not much of a fighter against your evil twin brother the Underquacker.
KN: Man, if they gave out titles for not being able to speak intelligently, you’d be a twenty time World Champion.
RO: FALL OVER!
KN: No.
RO: I COMMAND YOU!
KN: No.
RO: THE POWER OF ORTON COMPELLS YOU!
KN: Uh…still no.
RO: Damn. Maybe something IS wrong with my arm. Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?
KN: I’m a wrestler.
RO: You don’t have a match!
KN: I don’t think I own any shirts anymore.

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Randy Orton v. “Dave” Batista “Davidson”
For the WWE World Title

Man, we’re ALREADY in the overrun. It’s nice to see Dave getting such a strong start to his title reign. Orton spends the first few minutes of the match trying to talk Dave into falling over, but Dave isn’t having any of that, because he’s not dumb. He learned not to give in to peer pressure! DARE to Keep Dave from Jobbing! Dave hits a Spinebuster, Orton can hardly believe it. I mean, yeah, it was on WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton but it was still very impressive. Dave finally gets himself turned around, and he hits Orton with the OSPREY BOMB TO ORTON~! Dave wins. It’s nice to see they’re treating Randy with the respect and admiration that he has earned with his awesome matches and promos. Dave dances around with the World Title, oblivious to the fact that he’s only got a few more minutes to make a big impact with his World Title. DO SOMETHING MEMORABLE DAVE! Triple H enters the shot and makes kissy faces at the camera, blocking Dave entirely. Nooooooooo!

Next Week: Dave’s limo gets stuck mysteriously in traffic, and he makes it just in time to do a run-in during th main-event interview segment with Austin and Tomko. Eric Bischoff wonders why in the hell he got a bill for Triple H’s rental of 15 rental cars, but only enough gas to get them onto the freeway. And Titties and Kane! Titties and Kane! Titties and Kane!

You know you love it!