Molly Holly and Trish Stratus v. Victoria and Christy Hemme

Man, the women’s division needs a little more…Oh wait.  It’s Kane.  How about that?  He runs out and slips on a big slick of continuity, banging his head on the ramp on the way out.  He lights Lillian Garcia on fire, and then chases Trish around while Benny Hill music plays.  Quietly, Trish wonders why the hell Kane is chasing her around when Edge is just standing around backstage.  Then again, Kane DID get Matt Hardy fired, so you’d better be careful!

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Hey, here’s Randy Orton and he’s in a little backless paper skirt.  Oh, it’s every 12-16 year old girl’s DREAM!  But what isn’t every 12-16 year old girl’s dream is Randy Orton’s shoulder bleeding all over the camera.  THAT’S every male internet wrestling fan’s dream.  Dr. Andrews says that that they can rebuild him, faster, stronger, better, but when he’s reminded that he’s not working on Steve Austin this time, Andrews changes his tune to, “Oh, well…we’ll just throw some crap in there then.”  Maybe he can add some brains!  Orton is laying on his death bed, but he’s got the MIC~!  Oh no.

Randy Orton:  Hello, Cleveland!  How are you doing this fine evening?  It’s me, Ranky Morgan, and I’ve takered so much Valium that I can’t even feel my face anymore.  I honestly don’t even know if that camera is there or not.  And if it is, I’ve got to say that that’s the most weirderest thing ever!  Why would cameras wish to attend the rebreakening of Orton?  Davery Badtriscuit, I hear you’re out there gloating over the fact that you beatered me into a pump last week.  Well, Davery, let me tell you something, I’ll show you what it means to beat me!
Nurse B.B.:  Excuse me, Mr. Orton.  Who are you talking to?
RO:  Obviously the people of the world.
BB:  Whatever you say, Mr. Orton.  Just please stop playing with your catheter.  Ready for another valium!
RO:  You knows it!  Loader me up!

Backstage at RAW, Slutcy Keibler looks satisfied while many naked women (some with TITTIES~! stand around).

Slutcy Keibler:  Serves him right.  Making me fall over like that.  On, like, national TV even.
Josh Matthews:  To be fair, Stacy, I don’t think anybody watches this show anymore.
SK:  Huh?
JM:  Nothing, nothing.
Boobsy McTitsalot:  You know what I wish?
SK:  What’s that, Boobsy?
BMT:  I wish that Dave would Osprey Bomb My Orton!
Maria Tennyson Lund:  Huh?
BMT:  I want Dave to piledrive my ass.
SK:  You want him to what?
BMT:  I want him to cabbage patch all up in my cabbage patch.
MTL:  I didn’t know you owned a farm!
BMT:  I want Dave to open my dictionary and insert his bookmark.
JM:  I think Dave has his own dictionary.  I’m pretty sure it’s a glossy picture one.  It’s really nice.
BMT:  I want to have sex with Dave.
SK:  Oooooooh…
MTL:  Right.
JM:  Geez, setting your sights a little low, aren’t you?  You know what?  Good for you.  You probably won’t do a whole lot better.

Trish Stratus comes screaming in, the Keystone Cops theme following her on an endless loop.

Trish Stratus:  You guys!  You’ve gotta help me!  Do something!
SK:  Um…you’re like, totally the heel!
MTL:  Omigosh!  There’s a camera here!  Maria Tennyson Lund here and I’m with Trish Stratus, Trish how do you feel about you’re match tonight?
TS:  AH!  It’s Kane!
JM:  Josh Matthews here, and I’m with Kane.  Kane, how do you feel about stalking Trish tonight?
Kane:  Oh, I don’t know.  I’ guess it’s ok.  I mean, I don’t know.  Nothing long term is going to come out of it for ME, but I’m doing it all for my dead baby momma, you know?  I gots bills to pay too, you know what I’m saying?
JM:  Sure.

Kane chases Lita in a scene straight out of ‘70s era Scooby Doo, with crisscrossing hallway gags and at least one attempt by Trish to trap Kane with a bucket of flour and a giant ham and cheese sandwich.  Overall, I would say that this is the best wrestling chase scene since Piper/Goldust at Wrestlemania XII.  Eventually, Trish runs off into the distance and Kane shambles off after her, punching lamps and threatening to marry people the whole way.

Heeeeeres Coach!

Jonathan Coachman:  Hahahaha, oh that Kane.  What a maroon!  Now, folks, it’s time to move on to more serious matters.  I am standing with a man who has been persecuted of late for his beliefs.  A man who is a true warrior, fighting for the embetterment of all people, yet everywhere he goes, he is persecuted, so persecuted in fact, that his one big Wrestlemania was tainted by the presence of Hulk Hogan.  The man of course of whom I am speaking is Ultimate Warrior.  Mr. Warrior, say what you have to say.
Warrior:  Actually, smallish black male, you must pronunctuate properly.  The name is no longer “Ultimate” because my Ultimateness, while thoroughly undeniable was a fabrication of the depth of lies that Vince McMahon created here in his web of evil.
JC:  So…you’re just Warrior.
WR:  That is the general gist of the statement which was just issued forth as a vocal utterance from the one that is called Warrior, you of colored background.
JC:  Take it away then.
WR:  Snarl!  Salutations little Warriors, it is I your leader and preserver, the standard bearer for that which has come to be known as the One Warrior Nation.  It has been too long since at last I talked to your countenance, but I have been busy, away from the realm of the sports entertainment as Vince McMahon would puppet me into saying.  I have been speechifying the ways of destrucity to the young republicans of this world, telling them of the dangers of the queer liberal and demanding burnination on my behalf!  Unfortunately, as unjust things often do to Warriors like me, something came to obstigate my path, the path of the Warrior.  It seems some queer liberal College Republicans asked me to speak at the battlefield known only in the tongue of the Warrior as a name that I will not speak here lest I cause the younger children in the audience to burst into tears, much as my son, Chuck Warrior, and my wife the honored lady Warrior did as we left the state of Connecticut, polluted by the liberals and Vince McMahon’s wicked tyranny.  Apparently, those in attendance had not prepared themselves for the path of the Warrior, so when I showed up and offered to paint their faces with the feces of righteousness, tie their arms with the tassels of hope, and teach them to shake the ropes of conservatives so that we may gorilla press slam and big splash the liberals, queers and other non-descript races out of existentiality, some no-sold my ideas, and would not do the right thing before the one that is Ultimate.  I ask you, Is this correct?  Why shun the Warrior for trying to spread the truth of the situation?  I ask you why SNARL do you reject what destrucity has to offer GROWL WHY DO YOU NOT WISH TO BE A WARRIOR?!  SNAAAAAAAAARL!
Muhammed Hassan:  Dude.  What the hell is wrong with you?
WR:  To respond to that, I must pull a towel out of my anal regions.
MH:  Woah, Hitchhikers Guide fan!  Awesome!  I can’t wait to see that movie!
WR:  Do not mock that which you cannot possibly comprehend!  I am Warrior!
MH:  Seriously though, I’m Italian.
WR:  Then let me pull a pizza and a stupid mustache out of my parts unknown so that we may converse in a speechification ritual that you understand.
MH:  Man, lay off the roids.
WR:  SNARL!
MH:  What the hell IS your problem?
WR:  Confidentially?
MH:  As…confidentially as can be, I guess.
WR:  I’m a double agent, sabotaging the Republican party from with in!  Clinton for Prez 2008!
MH:  Huh.

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Triple H is coming out, and boy this isn’t going to be pretty.  Hunter should know, you NEVER take the mic after Warrior.  Let, Dave or friggin’ Sean Cold Val Venis take the mic first, let the crowd pick some steam back up, THEN you deliver your killer promo.  Well, here goes nothin’.

Triple H:  BATISTA!  I know you’re back there listening, just waiting to cut your big promo on me, but I’ve got something to get off my chest first.  I’ve been watching our match from Wrestlemania, and something was really bothering me.  At first, I couldn’t figure it out, but then it hit me.  I never hit you with the PEDIGREE TO DAVE~!  Sure, I almost did that one time, but almost doesn’t cut it.  So I figured, hey, that’d be a good way to beat you.  Hit my finisher.  That might work.  So next match, we’re gonna try that.  And hey, if it doesn’t work, no acne off my back.  I’ve consulted Nibblins, and he seems to think that’s a good plan.  However, then I got to thinking…What has won me ten World Titles?  What has made me a main eventer and the most feared man in pro-wrestling today?  So I figured it out Batista.  The one thing I’ve got that keeps me on top and keeps guys like you slumming with friggin’ The Hurricane and crap like that.  So at Backlash, I’m gonna come out, and you’re gonna come out.  There will be some kind of stare down, I’m sure.  And then I’m going to have sex with Stephanie McMahon right here, in this very ring!  That’s right, and there’s nothing her old man Wheels can do about it.  Then, she’ll look you right in the eye and say, “Dave, I’m sorry, but I think the best thing for the company right now would be for Hunter to regain the World Title.”  I know what you fear, Dave, and you fear my shlong hold!

Stand back!  What the hell?

The Hurricane:  I’ve had just about enough of your shlong hold!
HHH:  Oh, no.  Oh HELL NO!
TH:  I hear you out here, talking about me!  Well, I have feelings too, Mister, and I don’t take kindly to having them hurt!
HHH:  What the hell are you doing out here?
TH:  It’s stipulated in my contract.  One mini-push per year.  BIATCH!
HHH:  Crap, I’ve got Pilates in 15 minutes.  Let’s make this fast.

Triple H v. Hurricane and Rosey 

I guess Rosey has thrown off the confining shackles of the NFLPA, and is now going it on his own again, which never leads to good things.  As the Denver Broncos float, he was getting tons of screen time.  Everybody loves floats!  Look at him now.  What the hell is he doing out here anyway?  Triple H just can’t get enough of the jobbers, I guess.  Hunter grabs a chair so that he can marvel at what a stupid idea for a match this is, but WWE RAW Referee Earl Hebner takes it away.  No sitting down on the job, Hunter!

(Commercial break)

Rosey is hanging upside down off the TitanTron.  How did he even DO that?  I guess that’s what happens when you take away the only thing you had going for you.  Just ask Matt Hardy!  Friendless and alone, Hurricane realizes the plight of his situation all too late, and quickly jobs to a PEDIGREE TO THAT ONE JOBBER~!  Triple H wins and he barely had to break out the knee.  For good measure, he climbs up the TitanTron and Pedigrees Rosey to the ramp below.  He grabs the mic.

Triple H:  See, Dave?  I can beat Random Jobbers!  What makes you think I can’t beat you?  Stephanie will provide!

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Dave’s first mic time is spoiled by the fact that all he’s talking about is the Austrailian tour.  “I wanted to buy a BOOMERANG!  But I couldn’t get it past SECURITY!”  Benoit mentions that, while he appreciates the fan support, he’s getting a little tired of answering questions about when Nathan Jones and Outback Jack are coming back to the WWE.

Speaking of, Benoit and Dave are chatting backstage.  It is clearly the most awkward conversation ever.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  I like PONIES!  Do you like PONIES?
Chris Benoit:  Uh…yeah.  Sure.  I guess.
DBD:  I want to play a pony GAME!  There aren’t any for APPLE II GS!
CB:  I…uh…I like Suplexes.
DBD:  I do not know any of THOSE!
CB:  …..
DBD:  ….

Benoit chops Dave.

Chef Scooter Skyfire v. Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters
In a Diet Coke with Lime Battle

Clearly Scooter is overmatched in this one, as Diet Coke with Lime is Iron Chef Master’s specialty.  Scooter makes a Diet Coke with Lime Bouillabaisse, Diet Coke with Lime Beef Stew and a Salad with Diet Coke with Lime Vinaigrette.  The Iron Chef makes Diet Coke with Lime and Turkey Quiche, Diet Coke with Lime Tomato Soup, Chicken Alfredo Roasted in Diet Coke with Lime, and for desert, Diet Coke with Lime smoothies.  The crowd feels that the champion’s selection was a bit “boring” but the judges felt otherwise giving him the clear win.  Afterwords, Masters has the mic.  What is this?  Open mic night?  Everybody come on down and get your promo!

Chris Masters:  Hi.  I…uh…I challenge anyone to come out here and fight me next week.  I’m putting up…let’s see here…carry the four…plus two…Fourty three cents of my own money if anybody comes out here and does it!

Actually…that’s a pretty friggin’ good way to make sure that he gets on the show next week.  Good work, Chris.  I hate you, but good work.  Hey, wait a second.  “Chris”?  There are too many friggin’ Chrises now.  It’s ridiculous.  Make way for “Garrison Masters”!

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Muhammed Hassan v. Shawn Michaels

Wait a tick, Hassan has the mic.  It IS open mic night.  Damn Stevie Richards for being injured!

Muhammed Hassan:  It has come to my attention that I have not given near enough love to my main homeboy, the Khos man.  So instead of wasting time heading into Backlash wrestling HBK AGAIN, I’m going to turn things over to Khos who will surely tear things up, right?
Khosrow Daivari:  I don’t know.  Are you sure about this plan?
MH:  Flawless, bro.  Let’s do this.
KD:  Ok…I guess.

Khosrow Daivari (w/ Muhammed Hassan) v. Shawn Michaels

Shawn can only muster 2/3 prance for this one.  Really, I can’t blame him.  It’s like ordering a steak, and then getting the steak’s little brother instead.  A…smaller steak, I guess.  I am heartened to see, however, that Daivari’s awesome outfits do extend into his ring gear.  The finish comes when Hassan distracts the referee long enough for Daivari to roll under the ring, grab his Persian Carpet, and set up the Magic Carpet Ride.  Michaels is stunned, halfway between being offended on Daivari’s behalf and laughing because it’s the best wrestling move ever, so he’s barely cognizant of what’s going on when Daivari hit’s the move, picks up the win and runs up the ramp to celebrate what will probably be the last victory of his WWE career.  God job, kid.  You earned it!

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Backstage, Shawn Michaels and Eric Bischoff are having a dispute.

Shawn Michaels:  I say, good sir.  Losing to Daivari was the absolute pits.
Eric Bischoff:  Ha, ha.  Sorry about that, old bean.  Here’s what we’re going to do.  We’ll have tag match between them and you for the next Pay Per Look.
HBK:  I say, good show!  But what partner shall I take?
EB:  Whoever the hell you want, old chap.  Though I’d suspect taking someone who isn’t currently on the roster would be a wise decision.  The bludgers here could barely fill their bangers with some mash, if you know what I’m getting at.
HBK:  Oh, I do, sir.  I do!

Chris Jericho is out, and he’s disappointed that he lost his own concept match.  Doesn’t EVERYBODY lose their own concept match?  Anyway, his guest for tonight’s Highlight Reel is Shelton Benjamin, and if you know Shelton, then you know that there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!

Chris Jericho:  Dude, seriously, what the hell are you doing being Intercontinental Champion?
Shelton Benjamin:  Come on, man.  Give me a break.  It was seriously either this, or hang out with Haas for a few more years.  Given the choice….
CJ:  Oh yeah.  You did the right thing, there.  But what about letting some of the rest of us hold the title?
SB:  Hold on there, Fozzy.  A table for one can be fun.  I like being the only guy in my division.  You and Benoit are above this, and everybody below you are jobbers.  It’s great.  I’m the best guy in the middle of the card!
CJ:  Well, say I stoop a little lower at Backlash, I mean, it’s not like they’ve got any big plans for me anyway, so why not make another run at a stupid belt?
SB:  You should know better than to challenge me, man!  There’s nobody that can do the moves I do!
CJ:  Uh…punches and a T-Bone suplex?
SB:  Don’t forget the Stinger Splash!
CJ:  Oh yeeeah.  You’re right.  NOBODY can match the depth of your moveset.
SB:  That’s what I read on the internet anyway.
CJ:  Now’s the time on Highlight when we dance!

Jericho and Shelton break into dueling robots.

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Kane is backstage…with Lita?

Lita:  What the hell happened with your big chase scene with Trish?
Kane:  You know what?  I don’t know.
LT:  Well, at least you made her run around the arena.  That’ll learn her for getting me to spend all that time with Christy.  Ew!
KN:  Now give daddy some sugar.
LT:  Buy some shirts.
Matt Hardy:  I object to these proceedings!
LT:  Matt?
KN:  Hardy?
MH:  Veeeeeonnnnaaaah!  But seriously, dude.  What the hell is wrong with you?  You’re back here hitting on what you quite clearly know is MY woman.
KN:  To be fair, I married her first.
MH:  Goddammit!  It doesn’t matter!  Sigh…what a sad Twist of Fate my life has taken.
KN:  Yeah…Just think of it this way, Matt, it can’t get any worse, right?
Vince “Wheels” McMahon:  Matt Hardy?  You’re FIIIIIIIIRED!
MH:  DAMN IT!  What’d I do?
VM:  Nothing.  I just loooove wallowing in the sadness of others. 

Then, Lita makes out with Kane’s chin while Matt is forced to watch.  Have fun jobbing to Jeff Jarrett and Monty Brown, kid!

Shawn Michaels is back out.

Shawn Michaels:  You know, I’ve been thinking about who I could possibly want to be my partner at Backlash, who could I pull out of the bag of partners?  I reached in, and I thought to myself, what‘s in here?  Charlie Haas?  But then I thought…Why, I already know who the perfect partner is….

In rural Georgia….

Marty Jannetty:  All right!  I’m in, baby!

Back to the arena….

HBK:  I did think, at first, of my old pal, Marty Jannetty, but then I realized that I actually wanted to WIN this match.

Georgia….

MJ:  What the fu-

Arena….

HBK:  So then I thought, who is the best mystery partner a guy could ever ask for?  Someone who’s won a thousand tag team titles, someone who is a REAL American and not some fraud like Seargent Slaughter.  I’m talking someone who might as well have “America” as their last name.  Someone who, when they point their finger at you and they Hulk up, you know you’re in trouble.  Someone from whom the fans have been begging, literally on their knees begging for one more match.  No, I’m not talking about Jesus, he got fired.  I’m talking to YOU, Judy Bagwell!  I know you’re out there, watching this at home, washing Buff’s footie pajamas.  I’m calling you down, in this my hour of need.  One more match, Judy.  One more match!

Reluctantly, the crowd joins in.  Meanwhile .Edge is wandering around backstage, showing his briefcase off.  Yes, yes, Mr. Tian.  Very professional.

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Chris Tian (w/ Tyson Tomko and The Goatee) v. Chris Benoit

Edge is on commentary!

Edge:  Look at this briefcase, J.R.  Isn’t it totally awesome.
Jim Ross:  Yeah, I guess.
Jerry Lawler:  Puppies, JR, Puppies!
JR:  Where, King?  Knock that off!
EG:  I’m glad everyone is treating me so professionally now.  If I wouldn’t have had this briefcase, they would have fired ME instead of Matt Hardy.
JR:  What a travesty that would have been.
EG:  Travestialiscious! But look at me!  I’m no longer being screwed!
JR:  Well, that’s because you broke up with your wife and Lita ran off with the Big Red Machine, by gawd!
EG:  Shut up.
JL:  Puppies!
EG:  You too!

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Woah, there’s totally a match going on right now, isn’t there?  Sorry.  It looks like, dispite the fact that He’s wearing just one sleeve for the second week in a row, Chris Benoit going to win the match.  Woah…I know where this storyline is going.  You see, Edge needs a dress shirt and a tie to complete his briefcase look.  Trish, we know, has the shirt  cuffs and collar, Benoit has one of the sleeves.  Edge has to beat all the people that hold the various pieces of his shirt so that he can complete his look and finally get his title shot against Batista.  Hot damn.  That’s quite a storyline.  Edge and Tomko both get up on the ring apron and flail around, distracting WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda juuust long enough so that Christian can kick Benoit in the balls and get the pin.  Edge is happy for his brother, but deep down, in that private place where only gnomes live, he’s still depressed to be fighting the same people every goddamn week.

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J.R. is standing in the ring with “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.

Jim Ross:  Now, we all know that at Wrestlemania, we released the animal.

In rural Michigan….

Rhyno:  They…friggin’ WHAT? Oh, that’s the last straw!  I’m friggin’ going to TNA to job to Monty Brown and Abyss!  AAAAARG!  Somebody give me a friggin’ flowerpot. 

Back in the Arena….

JR:  But so far, you remain a mystery, Dave.  What drives you?  What motivates you?  More importantly, why should fans keep buying Dave Davidson Merchandise available on shop.WWE.com, and at WWE live events all across the globe?
“Dave” Batista “Davidson”:  People should like me because of my winning PERSONALITY!  And also because I like long walks on the BEACH!  And candlelit DINNERS!  My motivations are as FOLLOWS!  PONIES! Lemonade STANDS! Learning to READ!

Here’s Triple H?

Triple H:  This overrun has gone on just long enough.  Dave, that’s the most pathetic main event promo I’ve ever heard.
DBD:  Yours are WORSE!
HHH:  Shut up.  You know, I waaaas going to have them shut down the feed right after you first opened your mouth so that fans would have to wait until next week for hot Batista promo action, but I decided to let you fail on your own accord.
DBD:  You’re buying me a Honda ACCORD?
HHH:  No, no…that’s not what I mean.
DBD:  That’s so nice of YOU!  I will call it WOOKLES!
HHH:  Huh?
JR:  Maybe you should just try to hit him with the Pedigree?
HHH:  Good idea!

HHH runs in, but Dave is dancing around in celebration, so HHH can’t get a good line to kick him in the gut.  When he finally does, Dave just punches him in the face, knocking him out of the ring.

HHH:  Bad idea!  Very bad!  That’s it!  JR, you and I are going to wrestle next week!
JR:  ME!  ME!  BY GAWD ME!
DBD:  Oh NO!  Soon J.R. will want a shot at my TITLE!

Next Week:  The aforementioned J.R. and the aforementioned Triple H will have a match that is sure to be a slobber knocker, but is also certain to be bowling shoe ugly.  Edge will capture the elusive shirt buttons when he discovers that the answer to “Button, Button Who’s Got the Button?” is actually “Jim Neidhart”.  Much to Edge’s chagrin, however, Kane will one up him by showing up with all five of the shiny new shirts Lita bought for him.

Lord of the Rings!  Maybe this week!  Maybe next!  It’s a secret!