BREAKING NEWS:

Dearest Readers,

I have just been informed that, in order to shake things up and increase ratings, Online Onslaught Webmaster Rick Scaia has traded me, effective next week, to Inside the Ropes for Canadian Bulldog and a Livejournal writer to be named later. Mr. Scaia assures me that he wishes me all the best in my future endeavors. But I don’t believe him. I swear that guy has it out for me. Things should return to normal in two weeks, once public interest wanes now that sweeps is over.

-Matthew Hocking, Esquire
 

This touching video package dedicated to our troops would have meant a lot more to me, I think, if they didn’t photoshop Bossman dragging Big Show’s Dad’s Casket into the back of every cemetery picture.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring, which he thinks is just a dandy excuse to bring out some Divas wearing towels. Support our troops! Isn’t it about time for Lawler’s once yearly wrestlefest? Maybe he can wrestle Tazz at One Nightstand. Anyway, on with the boobs. Here’s Christy, Boobsy, Maria Tennyson Lund, Victoria (who?), Josh, Frumpy, Dumply, Lumpy, Doc, Sharkleberry Finn, Smurfette, Dawn Marie (w/ Fetus), the Girls of FHM Canada, Some Ganders, Queen Padme Amidala, The Bride of Frankenberry, and Lillian Garcia. I’m not sure I like where this one is going. Lawler immediately orders them to strip down and hit the showers, as is the custom of the time, but he’s stopped by Viscera.

Jerry Lawler: Viscera? What are you doing out here? Did you come to see the PUPPIES?
Viscera: Shut up a minute, dawg. Let me get my swerve on with one of these fiiine ladies. Lillian, baby girl, I’m out here because I know you don’t need to put yourself through any of this humiliation. I mean, look at these sluts up here. They’re not like you, you’re different. You’re special. Baby, come back to the back with me, and I’ll mix you up some warm cocoa, girl, and we’ll sit by the fire on the finest moose skin pelt and day dream about our future, and we’ll talk and talk until the sun stops spinning, girl, because I know how you like it. Then, when the moon is out, and you’re gettin’ tired, darling, I’m gonna pull out Big Visc, you know what I’m sayin’ and I’m gonna….
Lawler: How come HE gets to say this crap?
Viscera: …until we’re riding a tidal wave of pleasure girl. Then I’m gonna find the biggest, hottest slab of steak you’ve ever seen, girl, and I’m gonna cook it until it’s tender, and then I’m gonna cut it into strips and eat it off your stomach, all the rest of the night, and when that steak’s gone, baby doll, don’t worry, because I’m gonna bring a salad.
Lilian Garcia: Stop. You had me at “Titmuffins.”
Viscera: I ain’t never said nothing about no titmuffins.
Lillian: But you were thinking it.
Viscera: Damn.

Viscera is so excited that he drinks poor Sharkleberry and eats Lawler. Oh well. They make out all the way up the ramp. Josh Matthews wins! Victoria is SO pissed off that she kicks Josh in the nuts, hits Christy with a Widow’s Peak, and tells all the other girls that they have awful hair, zits, and point knees. Replacing Lawler on Commentary: Howler Monkey. Welcome back!

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Todd Grisham is standing by with Victoria. Why EVER would she have gone ballistic on these girls?

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Victoria, and Victoria, are you as depressed as I am about the state of the women’s division on RAW?
Victoria: Division, Todd? There are literally three of us. One of us is injured, and now we’re all heels.
Grisham: Soooo…that’s pretty much it for that, huh?
Victoria: Unless Josh Matthews is woman enough to step up to my challenge, I guess so.
Grisham: Better idea! I bought this potion from an apocathary. We’ll drink them together and celebrate the metaphoric death of American’s women’s wrestling with our poignant suicides!

Todd drinks his bottle and dies.

Victoria: Uh…that’s great Todd. J.R., Howler Monkey, back to you!
Jim Ross: He’s dead, by gawd!
Howler Monkey: I say, James, that death was but a plea to society to notice the plight of backstage announcery, I believe. Wouldn’t you say, old bean?
JR: Here’s a banana.
Howler Monkey: OHOwwwweeeeck!

The Heart Throbs v. Huricane and Suga Rosey w/ Shewhore, Princess of Sluttonia
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Man, the poor Hearthrobs. They must look over at Smackdown and MNM and say to themselves, “That could have been US, man! Look at them. Give us a valet that can do the splits, and we’d be RIGHT up there, wrestling Hardcore Holly every week. Damn!” You and me, both sister. The most over person in the match, of course, is Stacy’s ass. I hear it’s doing it’s own signings now. Just don’t ask me to go. The Hearthrobs finally get a dance train going after a few minutes, but it’s too late. They were counted out during their entrance. Sigh.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” is arriving, and he doesn’t look too happy. Oh, don’t worry Dave, turn that frown upside down! At least you don’t have to wrestle JBL every month!

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Dave is in the Bischoffice. Shall we listen in? Nah. Well…we’ve got a few hours to kill.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I’m tired of fighting HUNTER! We need new MATERIAL!
Eric Bischoff: I understand your complaints, but my hands are tied.
Batista: You’re the manager man, you make the DEALS!
Bischoff: Dude, seriously, I would help you, but my hands are tied. Stephanie came in here and did this to me before the start of the show so I couldn’t cancel the match or make fun of ECW, do you have any Scissors?
Batista: NO! I plan on doing a lot of running TODAY!
Bischoff: You?
Batista: Just KIDDING! I’ve got some scissors in my TIGHTS!
Bischoff: Yeah…On second thought, belay that order! I’ll probably do better as GM WITH my hands tied for now.
Muhammed Hassan: Hey, guys. What’s goin’ on? Freaky bondage thing? That’s cool.
Khosrow Daivari: Oh, man! The hands tied up scissors in my underwear thing? Oh man, Hassan and I haven’t done that one in fo….
Hassan: Ehem.
Daivari: We should really get going. We have a…match…to see.
Batista: I want to wrestle these suity GUYS! They look IMPORTANT!
Bischoff: Sure thing. I’ll book that just as soon as I get untied. Uh…keep that thing in your pants though. Maybe Coach has…like a hacksaw or something….
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: Did somebody say “Hacksaw” HOOOO!
Bischoff: No! NO!
Duggan: U-S-A U-S-A Happy Memorial Day! HOOOOO!
Batista: My IDOL!
Duggan: What’s the matter, Tough Guy? These Unamericans giving you trouble?
Hassan: Actually, we were just leaving. To fly home. To…. uh… Michigan.
Daivari: Yeah. We’ll see you all on the other side of the boarder.
Duggan: Yeah! If you don’t like America, get the F OUT!
Batista: I thought we were in CANADA?
Duggan: U-S-A U-S-A HOOOO!

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Rob Conway v. Sylvain Grenier v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Yes, that’s right. LA RESISTANCE COLLIDES~! Man, it makes you sad to see two people who love each other so much, fighting like this. Who the hell is the ring announcer? Better than Lillian worse than Finkel. He’s like the new generation Tony Chimel. I haven’t been this conflicted over who I wanted to win in a match since the classic El Pollo Diablo v. El Pollo Fantastico v. El Pollo Misterio triple threat feud from AAA. On one hand, you have Conway, who has the skills, the looks, and the mic presence to be in the top ½...nay…¼ of the lower midcard, on the other, you have Grenier, who is obviously just waiting in the wings for his Steve Austin-like jolt from the tag ranks to some Indy promotion where he can complain about his treatment on Heat. Then, on the other…other…the second hand? I guess clocks is the only thing that has three hands…but I digress, on the third hand (how the hand got there isn’t important, it’s that the hand exists…or possibly it’s not the hand at all, but what’s IN the hand that counts, kind of like when you say that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, it’s not the hand that’s important, but the bird, and possibly the bush…I don’t see too many birds in bushes, though, except maybe those little bitty ones, but a bird like that in your hand wouldn’t do you any good…maybe it’s like a thorn in your eye, or something. No, that doesn’t make any sense either. Anyway, think of it this way, there’s a space alien, and he’s got three hands, and four legs, and twenty three eyes…ew…but anyway the IMPORTANT thing is that he has THREE hands, and in one of them is Rob Conway, in the second Sylvain Grenier, and in the THIRD hand, he’s got Shelton Benjamin, and we must use them to decide the fate of the world, or perhaps the Intercontinetal Title) we have Shelton Benjamin, of whom there ain’t no stopping…NAH! I guess Shelton wins, and La Resistance goes another day without resolving the internal conflicts that tear them apart. Man, somebody get Dr. Phil on this STAT!

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Chris Jericho is out and he’s almost killed by Kane’s pyro. Look out! His guests are the aforementioned Mr. Bearer and his ex-wife Lita. I guess the Highlight Reel needs some more Kane, so here he is, accompanied by a small mound of multi-florescent-colored sheets.

Chris Jericho: Kane, welcome to the show, who is your friend.
The Wind: I am no one. Just…The Wind.
Jericho: I didn’t know the wind came in lime green.
The Wind: Imagi is displeased with your sarcasm.
Jericho: Right. Down to bidness. Kane, what the hell is wrong with you, man? You can’t even steal a wife anymore, man. You’ve got premature pyro. You’re going bald, your forehead slopes a good two or three more inches every week, plus, you’re running around with a pile of rags for a best friend man. The Kane I knew…he wouldn’t do that. He’d be taking bitches left and right, and chokeslamming people every which way, and blowing his pyro when he was good and ready, and punching guys who spilled coffee on him, what do you have to say for yourself.
Kane:

There once was a fellow named Kane
Who liked Eurhythmic’s “Here Comes the Rain”
He then married Lita
Who turned to a cheetah
And now all he can feel is the pain.

Jericho: Dude, you did not just seriously bust out a limerick.
The Wind: Emoetry comes in all forms, do not judge. I can sense great distress in you, Christopher, perhaps you’d like to feel what it is like to Imagi?
Jericho: I’m trying to stay off the drugs. Next question, why are you surprised that the slut dumped you? Firstly because…come on, man, she’s a total slutbomb. Secondly, because, you totally blackmailed her into doing you, foisted upon her your child…chicken, and then won a match stipulating that she marry you. Not exactly a solid rock on which to base your matrimonial bliss.
Kane:

Of one thing dear Kane must confess
I wanted to live in hapiness
So I got me a bride
(At least she was alive)
But she caused nothing but distress.
“Dearest Kane, do the dishes,” she said
I was like, “Woman, out of my head!”
Our sacred vows broke
Wedding was a joke
I should have married Matt instead.

Jericho: That didn’t really answer my question about HER feelings.

It’s hard to answer questions in verse
But it’s not like this angle gets worse
Edge I get to fight
Tian seems all right
Angle ‘tis a blessing, not a curse.

Jericho: Enough, here’s Lita!

Edge appears on the Titan Tron.

Edge: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Spouting fruity poetry all the sudden because I’m porking your wife. Get with the times, man, wives are for squares. Cuckolding is IN! It’s hip and it’s now. And if anybody knows what’s in, hip and now, it’s a guy with a briefcase and one shirtsleeve! Just think about it dude! Who calls their sister “Edge”? Who makes strange phone calls every hour on the hour? Who wears “Property of Edge” thongs? Who takes “five day vacations” to Edge’s house? Who the hell travels with Edge and tells you, “We’re gonna stay at the same hotel, in the same room, because it’s cheaper”? Who when you ask, “What did you do today?” Responds by saying, “Edge’s massive boner.” SOMEBODY WHO IS SLEEPING WITH EDGE, YOU NITWIT!

In Cameron, North Carolina…..

Matt Hardy: How could I have been so blind?! The signs were there all along, yet I was unable to trace them back to their source!
Molly Holly: Seriously, dude, “Property of Edge” underwear? You couldn’t see through THAT little piece of smoke and mirrors?
Matt: I thought it was a BRAND! Oh…Lita…I can’t believe I lost you….
Molly: Yeah. It’s a reeeeeal shocker you lost out on this one.
Matt: Do you think…do you think I can win her back?
Molly: No, Matt, I’m afraid your stupidity has killed your relationship.
Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Back in Calgary….

Lita: In a symbol of flushing our marriage down the toilet, I’m going to take this ring pop, and this Matt Hardy action figure, and flush them down the toilet. One two…Flush!
Edge: Hehehe…Hold on a second…it’s a little clogged up.
Lita: What?
Edge: Well, I mean, I had Taco Belle for lunch.
Lita: Unbelievable!
Edge: What? Like you could resist a dollar burrito? And that’s a dollar Canadian too! That’s only like $0.15 American. A fifteen cent burrito!
Lita: Well, your fifteen cent burrito is costing us minutes of dramatic flushery!
Edge: Excuse me, Queen Bitch of the Bitchtards, I didn’t know I had to run lunch by you now too.
Lita: Well you do.
Edge: Yeah? Well crap. Ladybird Venis and Amandacakes Copeland never asked me what I ate for lunch.
Lita: And it’s a good thing too, because the answer was usually me!
Edge: You little minx!

FLUSH

In Cameron….

Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rhyno: That reminds me, I keep forgetting to flush that friggin’ dead fish down the toilet! Come here your friggin’ bastard! GORE GORE GORE!
Molly: Sigh. Rhyno gored through ANOTHER fish tank. Remind me to stop buying those things. Are you coming down any?
Matt: Molly…help me take…this mask off.
Molly: What mask? You mean the plastic bag you put over your head to try to suffocate yourself when you saw Lita and Edge making out over the toilet.
Matt: *inhale* *exhaaaale*
Molly: I’ll get the scissors.
Matt: Never mind. I’ve got a pair in my tights.
Molly: You don’t even WEAR tights.
Matt: In my underwear, ok?
Molly: Ew.
Matt: Molly? I am your father.
Molly: That’s not true. That’s impossible.
Matt: Search your feelings! You know it to be true!
Molly: You’re not my father, Matt. OK? Now cut that bag off your head.
Matt: Fine. Geez. Why do I have to date all the bitchy girls?
Molly: We’re NOT DATING!
Matt: Then why are you always at my house?
Molly: Gooooood question.

In Calgary….

Jericho: Kane, any closing thoughts?
Kane:

It is like this all is a bad dream
The pain of divorce does make me scream
I feel almost empty
But I have no STD
So am I still sad, or am I
2Xtreme?

(ads, Oh! Hey! The “Hansen Movie” I’ve totally gotta check that out! Mmmbop!)

Eric Bischoff has the mic again!

Eric Bischoff: Have you seen the One Nightstand Card? Who the hell is booking this crap? I mean a Tommy Dreamer main event? Come on, guys, nobody is stupid enough to pay for that. You’re lucky that me and Kurt Angle are going to show up with our massive armies of jobbers to beat the crap out of you. That’ll draw buys for sure.

Chris Benoit v. Edge Tian (w/ Lita)
In a Tables Match

If there was EVER a time to truck out WWE RAW Referee Earl Hebner…Well, whatever. I guess neither the briefcase nor the sleeve is up for grabs. Maybe Benoit is fighting for the honor of the sleeve. Bischoff mentions that Edge is the leader of his anti-ECW soldiers. I wonder how Lita feels about that. If they REALLY want me to feel like this is an ECW match, they should kick in that really grainy video filter and have JR talk about how stupid WWE is. And Benoit should be drunk. Not because that would remind me of ECW, it would just be really funny to see. OMG STAGGERING WORKRATE~!

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Benoit takes control, and gets ready to throw Edge through a table covered with flaming Peeps, but The Eric Bischoff Army (Maven and Tyson Tomko) come out. Surprisingly, their powers combined cannot take out Chris Benoit. No kidding. But OH NO! It’s the RETURN OF ABE ORTON! Abe is a house of fire, running to the ring and slamming Benoit’s face into the ground. Did Abe get shorter? He’s not even as tall as Edge! Edge power bombs Benoit through the table for the win while the Anti-ECW Infantry poses sadly in the background. Don’t worry, Shirt Sleeve, you will be avenged. Some day.

Triple H gets ready to interview!

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And he’s off!

Triple H: I hear the complaints! “But Hunter, it doesn’t make any sense! You walked off because Dave didn’t want to fight you, but now all the sudden you come back because he does, even though there has been no indication whatsoever that he does or does not because he’s been focusing all his energies on coming up with words that rhyme with ‘Duckie’ and trying to beat Edge, and now all the sudden, out of nowhere, you show up like nothing happened and book yourself a title match? What the hell, dude? Your Biggest Fan.” Well let me tell you a little something about that. Go suck a rock.

Dave, you and I have been through a lot, but we’re about to go through a lot more. The Hell in Cell match is tough. Tougher than it looks. Sure, Rikishi and Bossman have made it through at least one, but that’s nothing. Why don’t you go ask Kevin Nash what it’s like to wrestle Triple H in Hell in a Cell. Go on and ask him!

In Maui at the “Center for Healing through Booze and Chips“….

Kevin Nash: Oh yeah. That was real hardcore. Watch out, Dave! He’s limping your way!
Scott Hall: Totally, Dude. Hey, are you gonna finish that Mai Tai?
Nash: Get your own. Aren’t you supposed to be here recovering from your alcohol addiction?
Hall: Aren’t YOU supposed to be working a TNA show.
Nash: Touché. I swear, I’ll work one once they start taping down there.
Hall: Down where?
Nash: Down THERE! In my crotch.
Hall: Hey, yo, Kev. We’ve still got it, mang.

Live Via Satellite in Stamford….

HHH: Nash would tell you how brutal and bloody I can be. Or Cactus Jack. Cactus, how brutal and bloody can I get in Hell in a Cell?
Mick Foley: What the hell do I care? I put you over, and you never gave back! Screw you! Watch out, Dave! He’s gonna screw you too!
HHH: Man, shut up. Ask Jericho! He’ll tell you how good life looks after you fight HHH in Hell in a Cell. You’re face to face with the Devil, Dave. What the hell are you going to do now?
Foley: Probably kick you in the balls.
HHH: God, shut up. I’m interviewing here. What the hell are you doing here anyway?
Foley: Just passing through to grab some peanuts from catering.
HHH: Get me some too while you’re over there. Please.

(ads, Oh, AWESOME! Goldberg has a new TV show about how to stall out cars. Still can’t drive stick, that guy)

Val Venis v. Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters
$10,000 Plump Juicy Sausages Challenge

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!
Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: The Iron Chef has raised the challenge amount as an obvious ratings ploy.
Fukui: Obviously.
Dr. Yukio Hatori: Is that Austin in kitchen stadium? What the hell?
Ohta: No, no. It’s Val Venis.
Hatori: Wow. I can’t believe that’s the best we could do.
Ohta: Fukui-San!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: The challenger is making an interesting dish. It’s a plump juicy sausage wrapped in some sort of clam. He tells me that it smells like fish, but it tastes like chicken.
Hatori: I’d advise the judges to just plug their noses and keep on lickin’.
Fukui: That’s gross, dude.
Hatori: What? What’d you think a dish like that was going to segue into?
Fukui: It’s just that…there’s ladies present.
Lita: No, no. Don’t stop on my account. This won’t be my first encounter with a sausage.
Hatori: I hear you’re something of a sausage expert.
Lita: I’ve been told you’re a master rater.
Big Show: When the hell are we going to eat?

After the Judging, it’s announced that Masters won 51-4 because his dishes featured the most $20 bills.

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Chris Tian is out to distract the masses.

Chris Tian: What’s up, peeps? You know, next week is the big “draft lottery” and to be honest, I couldn’t be happier. I want off this show. You know who they’ve got main eventing over there? Bradshaw. That’s right. Bradshaw. And Cena, for that matter. What the hell? I could go over there, and I’d probably have an hour of the show all to myself within the week. The only thing I have to worry about is dodging Holly and The Undertaker.
The Voice of the Undertaker: I SEE ALL!
Tian: Damn. Still. I’ve got a good a shot as any over there. Plus, I’d be the only Canadian over there. You think I’m popular in Canada NOW, wait until I’m the only guy on the entire roster they’re willing to cheer. Man, I hope against all hope I get traded over there. I’m soooo getting my own world title. I don’t even care who we get over here. Who the hell do they have anyway? Charlie Haas? Man, that show is crap.

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They’ve got about eight seconds for this match. Awesome. I expect a classic. Daivari tries running interference, until his forehead spontaneously explodes. Dave didn’t even touch you, man. Grow some spine. Hassan and Dave brawl back and forth for a while, until Dave pulls a pair of scissors out of his tights and stabs Hassan. WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-M-Mike Chioda has no choice but to call for the bell. I guess stabbings are a big no-no? No wonder they’ve never brought in New Jack. Dave responds to this by hitting an OSPREY BOMB TO DAIVARI, an OSPREY BOMB TO HASSAN, and an OSPREY BOMB TO WWE RAW REFEREE M-M-M-M-MIKE CHIODA! Dave is SICK of feuding with HHH and he’s ready to explode!!

Next Week: The hell if I know, that’s somebody else’s business. Fine, somebody gets drafted, probably Charlie Haas. Kane and Lita throw things at each other. And…uh…Triple H will talk. Or something.

Judge Jeff Jones: Next up is the case of Bearer v. Bearer, this is a divorce proceeding, correct?
Clarence Mason: Objection!
Judge: On what grounds?
Mason: Badgering the witness! Delay of game! Improper Documentation! 404 Error!
Judge: Sustained! Now, Mr. Bearer, can you please state your full name for the court?
Kane: Kane Runsfellious Yankem Diesel Timothy Quentin Bearer.
Judge: And you’d like a divorce on what grounds?
Kane: She slept with that man! Out of wedlock!
Edge: Who me? Leave me out of this!
Judge: It says here that you won her? In…a wrestling match?
Kane: That is correct.
Judge: After you blackmailed her into sexual relations after threatening physical violence on her boyfriend at the time, and failing to use proper protection in those relations, so as to impregnate her.
Kane: That is correct.
Judge: To be honest with you, Mr. Bearer, the court is finding it hard to give you much sympathy. This is the boyfriend.
Matt Hardy: Yes, your honor.
Judge: You’re testifying on behalf of Mr. Bearer?!
Matt: Well, to be fair, your honor, Kane’s not a bad guy. He’s had some women trouble before. He’s dabbled in necrophilia, quasi-transvesiteism, had a girlfriend who was kidnapped run off with his greasy ex-partner, real dolls, and that’s not to mention that he’s directly responsible for the death of his mother and step-father, and also for many assaults on his dead brother.
Kane: You’re not helping.
Matt: But I’m really here, because I found out that while she was cheating on me with Kane, she was ALSO cheating on me with him.
Edge: Dude, leave me out of this! I’m in the gallery! Gallery!
Judge: Young lady, what do you have to say for yourself?
Lita: I’m a slut. What can I say. I’ll totally have sex with you if I can keep the house.
Judge: Bailiff I want Mrs. Bearer subpoenaed to my chambers after court is dismissed.
Mike Awesome: Dude…you’re gonna bone THAT rail? Whatever. AWESOME SMASH GAVEL!
Judge: In any event, the court rules that this is case is really, REALLY messed up. You people are all NUTS.
Kane: Does this mean we’re divorced?
Judge: I guess.
Kane: Crap.
Matt: Yes! She’s back on the market!
Edge: Wait, who gets all the stuff? Other than the house, I mean?
Judge: Let’s see here…uh…that poor guy gets everything….
Matt: Awesome! My own…hearse!
Judge: …except the girl’s shirts, which will go to Mr. Bearer, dude, next time you come to court, buy a tank top at least….
Kane: I’m living free and easy!
Judge: …and the thongs will be held by the court until such time as I decide to give them out as Christmas presents this year.
Awesome: Yes!
Judge: Case Closed!