“The Network thinks your show sucks balls.”
   -Virus the Cyrus to NWA-TNA (Tits and Ass), 5/30/05

“Yeah, Fuck you, I’m gonna fucking Gore your teeth out and then gore your fucking teeth!”
    -Rhyno, to a potted plant in the TNA office
 

Which Former WCW Star will make the biggest impact at WWE Presents WCW One Nightstand?

A) SHNITSKY
B) The Ghost of Big Dick Dudley
C) That’s So Raven
D) Kevin Nash
E) Tough Enough Jessie
F) YES.

Here’s the results of Last Weeks Poll:

Which ex-wrestler has a cameo in the film The Long Yard?
Bad, Bad, Bad News Brown 0%
Rodney Max 0%
Bird Man Cocoa Beware 76%
SHNITSKY!!! 16%
Yes. 7%

Be sure to vote at the Inside the Ropes website (“Motto: Now with More Tripod Ads!”)

IT’S NEWS TIME~!

My sources have confirmed that Jodi Styles has thrown off his hatred for WWE Chair Man L.A. Porker and decided to join forces with Kur Tangle in invading the One Nightstand PPV. Sources say that Jodi’s brother B.J. Styles was sad to hear that, as he’ll be working Ring of Horror’s “Fucking Pretentious Indy Bash” and hoped Jodi would attend. To his credit, Jodi will be back to bashing the WWE and everyone in it five minutes after the PPV concludes. Look for his broadcast partners to be Joey “I only own one pair or socks, and I put them both on my cock” Gertner and possibly Taz, if the WWE can buy the rights to his name from Ted Turner.

WWE Officials on Monday found out that former WCW Superstar “The Sandguy” (aka 1337 H4x0rz” from ECW) was in no condition to work. One prominent member of the WWE who refused to be named (Triple HHH) said, “Look at that guy-uh! He’ll never be as over as me-uh. He can’t work the main event style-uh!” This is said to hurt Sandguy’s chances of working the WCW show, which is fine, because he never would have finished his ring entrance anyway. When reached for comment, Sandguy’s personal trainer added, “What?”

That’s right, you heard it here first, folks. Apparently an upstart group called NWA-Ohio Valley Wrestling is about to hit our TNA boys (B.J. Styles and Geoff Hardy) over the head with a loaded Tennis Racket. In a shocking move that swerved everyone here in the ITR offices, current TNA owners Panda Power (a subsidiary of the World Wildlife Fund) have decided to drop the struggling wrestling promotion in order to buy a really nice set of lemurs they’ve had their eyes on. What will this mean for our beloved Tits and Ass crew? Everybody’s jobbing to Mordecai. The guy coming out worst in this deal is Triple J, whose lovable antics have made him a huge fan favorite under the TNA banner. Will his country boy lifestyle and handsome good looks get over in the big cities of Kentucky? My sources say, “NO!”

After failing to score deals with Spike Dudley TV, Fox Sports News, WGN-Chatanooga’s Super Station, and BET-White Suburban Entertainment Television, TNA officials (well, Larry Zbyskysksykysko, anyway) are said to be “quietly optimistic” about a deal with a major player in the Cable Industry: Court TV! The deal which calls for TNA to air between the coveted Guys Arguing about Michael Jackson Power Hour and Night Court re-runs (with a provision to be preempted any time Lindsay Lohan’s father is on trial) is expected to start sometime shortly after TNA’s next PPV, the annual “Slammy Awards.” As part of the deal, TNA superstar “The Raven” will be using his MENSA status to do run-ins on other legal shows, while masked wonder Chasym will be a special celebrity judge during sweeps. This deal is supposed to be significantly better than Food TV’s bid which included only a half our of TV, wedged between two Rachel Ray shows.

We’re only scant hours away from the most exciting PPV of the year, WWE Presents WCW One Nightstand. Even though I’ve presented you all with more news than a donkey could carry to Tibet, I know you greedy WCW fans want more information about this hot PPV. Well you‘re in luck because I’m best friends with WWE Velocity Superstar Nunzio who will be wrestling Supra Craig C. and Takajiri on the PPV! We went out for lunch the other day (the bastard stuck me with the bill!) and I was able to score an EXCLUSIVE JAM PACKED INTERVIEW!!~!

Matt Hocking: Nunzio! What’s up, buddy!

Nunzio: Uh…do I know you?

MH: Don’t pretend you don’t know who I am! We met outside WWE Smackdown Presents WWE Judgment Day and you told me that I was the best friend you’d ever had.

NZ: Right…Hey, I remember you, aren’t you the guy who said that he was waiting outside to see the “bigger stars”.

MH: Question O….

NZ: What the hell do you think you’re doing? I’m not going to answer any friggin’ questions.

MH: Listen, dude, Bullfrog will kill me if I don’t get an EXCLUSIVE JAM PACKED INTERVIEW for the column. I’m in a bind already. Hollywood Actor Stuart Stone already backed out on me!
NZ: All right, just make it fast. I’m trying to have lunch here.

MH: What should I call you? Littlest Gordo? Jimmy Maritime? That One Short Guy?

NZ: Well, assuming you have readers…

MH: Which I don’t.

NZ: Why don’t you call me “Nunzio,” most fans are familiar with that persona.

MH: I can’t. I totally spilled some Pepsi on the “N” key of my laptop, and so I can’t type with it.

NZ: You just did!

MH: Very observant! Question One: What do you think of the hot rumor that you are going to job to the Old School Ordertaker (who looks exactly like he used to) at WCW One Nightstand?

NZ: Undertaker? I’m wrestling Tajiri and Super Crazy!
MH: Who?

NZ: Tajiri…you know who Tajiri is, right?

MH: Sure.

NZ: And Super Crazy.

MH: Oh, yeah. I’m their biggest fan. Easy W Easy W? Right?

NZ: Uh-huh.

MH: Next question, you’re seriously having Timmy Dreamer in the main event? No that can‘t be right…seriously?

NZ: Tommy means a lot to ECW, as do the Sandman as do the Dudleyz, it’s….

MH: It’s TIMMY DREAMER, dude! I mean…dude eats urinal cakes. He’s your main event?
NZ: He was a major player in ECW.

MH: No wonder you guys went out of business! I’m just kidding. I know that you really went out of business when Virus the Cyrus got you thrown of Spike Dudley TV because RVD wouldn’t put over Rhinoceros.

NZ: That’s not….

MH: And I’m just messing with you about Tommy. He and I go way back.

NZ: Really?

MH: Oh yeah, I helped him and Chris Benoit escape from the evil forces of Vince MacMahon so that they could throw the One Title in a garbage can at Wrestlemania.

NZ: Huh?

MH: What, you didn’t read Lords of the Ring?

NZ: No. Do you know anything about ECW? Anything at all?

MH: I watched the Rise and Fall of ECW DVD. I know all about you and your Full Body Inspections! Which one of those guys was Supra Craig C.? Never mind. I don’t really care. How would you describe his style?

NZ: Super Crazy is a Luchadore.

MH: Like my alter ego El Pollo Fantastico?

NZ: Not really.

MH: Are you excited to see the return of the Full Body Inspectors?

NZ: Yeah, I’m excited to get back with my boys the FBI! It actually stands for Full Blo….

MH: Man, it’s gonna be awesome to see Chuck Colombo and Jimmy “The Bowel” Zamoboni again!

NZ: That’s not the FBI that’s going to be at the PPV.

MH: Don’t tell me you’re going to drag out Sal E. and Tony Mamaluke. Are you? How about Tommy Rich?

NZ: Yeah, that‘d be coo…Hey!

MH: I just remembered, I’ve gotta go eat some ham, so I’ve only got one more question. What is Peewee Herman really like backstage?

NZ: Do you mean Paul E. Heyman?

MH: Sure, sure. Whatever.

NZ: Well, Paul is really a character. It’s weird because he’d never pay you, but you didn’t care becau….

MH: He didn’t pay you? Loser. I would have kicked his ass.

NZ: Come on, man. Do you want to hear what I have to say about Paul E. or not?

MH: Not really, I just remembered that nobody gives a shit about what some guy from Velocity thinks. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!

NZ: Can I just tell everybody if they’re ever in New York to visit “Maritado Roofing”? Mention the codeword “pizza” to get 50% off on our perforated gutters value pack.

MH: We can’t print plugs. Sorry.

NZ: But you just typed it in there. You’re still typing.

MH: Oh shit! I am! Fuck it. I’m sure nobody’ll read this anyway!

Thanks to my best friend Jimmy Maritime for that awesome interview!

I broke into Cambodian Bullfrog’s E-mail Account (Password: “bestpasswordeverEVER”) to bring YOU the hottest e-mails ever to hit the page!

Q: hey yo, canatian bluldawg. you rock d00d! Best column evar! EVAR! Lol

your way mroe awxme than that fuckin hockins kid,

wtf is his deal?

A: THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT!

Q: Besides Hollywood Actor Stuart Stone, who do you think is the next big star in Hollywood?

A: Morgan Webb. But only if she poses for Stuff Magazine like Stacey Keebler. Nah, I’m just kidding, everybody knows the next big star in Hollywood is none other than Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash. Things just keep getting better for this young seven footer who made his acting debut in the classic Oscar winner, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. What I would like to know is Nash’s secret to oozing charisma!

Q: Will Edge use his BANK ON IT World Title Shot to take on Rhyno at One Night Stand?

A: I dunno. Maybe?

Q: The WWE has seven draft picks left, who do you think should be drafted to each show?

1. John Ceno
2. The Best Show
3. The Rick
4. Josh Matthews
5. WWE Smackdown Referee Charles E. Robinson

Smackdown:

1. Triple HHH
2. Deacon Barista
3. Sandguy
4. John Ceno

5. Draft Pick Traded to TNA for Hector Guerrero

NWA:-TNA (Tits and Ass) (Via Trade):

1. Hector Guerrero

Q: Hey, Bulldog, this is The Rick. Listen, some douchebag put a lime in my Corona, and to get the taste out of my mouth, I had to eat a bug. Now I’m drinking some whiskey and watching the Reds, so do you think you could write a comprehensive PPV report about ECW’s One Life to Live so I can vomit in peace? Thanks man.

A: No.

Just kidding.

OR AM I?!

Yeah…I guess I was. Sigh. Will the below section contain super secret spoilers for WCW One Nightstand that you shouldn‘t read if you don‘t want the event spoilered? BANK ON IT!

Opening Scene: Jodi Styles takes out WWE announcers The Couch and Michael Coal with a barbed wire covered cookie sheet, and then says, “Oh my Goodness! Jodi Styles just took out The Couch and Michael Coal!”

nWo wins via Countout.

Backstage, New Jack jumps off a washing machine for $5,000 at some kid’s Bar Mitzvah.

This match is scheduled as a paternity fight with the winner keeping Marie’s baby. This one should be a barn burner, folks, in fact, I understand that Lance Storm has quietly spent his retirement in the Rogers and Hammerstine Ball Pit building a barn, just so they can burn it down. Unfortunately, fire code violations will stop this one before it starts, which is fine because Chris Jericho is going to lead Fozzy as they opened for Simon Dean Douglas’ Hog Heaven PPV the night before anyway. In a nice change of pace though, the firemen will be offered free $400 tickets for sticking around and chanting “Easy W” every once in a while.

In One of the Old School Easy W Pulp Fiction Promo Segments: Tammy Lynn Stytch ODs on Cocaine, and Stevie Rodgers has to stab her with a rusty needle to revive her. Meanwhile, Reverend D-Von sits in the background and reads the Book of Numbers. “Of the sons of Joseph, namely, of the sons of Ephraim, by the generations and families and houses of their kindreds, were reckoned up by the names of every one, from twenty years old and upward, all that were able to go forth to war.” TESTIFY!

Takajiri (w/ The Sister Mister) v. Supra Craig C. v. Littlest Gordo (w/ Egg Salad Graziano and Anthony Marmaduke)
In a Triangle Threat Match

William Royal comes out midway through the match to beg Takajiri not to fall to the darkside, but Takajiri isn’t having any of it, so Regal tells Takajiri that Funaki just died, and it was because Takajiri wasn’t there to save him, and Takajiri is all like, “NOOOOOOOOOO!” and he gets rolled up by Supra Craig C. for the three count.

In the second fall, Marmaduke and Egg Salad try to use their intimidation tactics to force Craig to take the loss, but Craig isn’t having any of it, and so he unloads some LUCHADORE VIOLENCE on them by hitting a moonsault and a springboard moonsault on them. This gives Gordo the time he needs to hit Craig C. with his loaded Pizza Box for the pin. Gordo wins! But wait! It’s the Old School Ordertaker (Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To). He’s attacking Gordo for helping to drive Nathan Johnson out of the business! This of course leads to….

Gordo is hurt from having just wrestled one of the most grueling triangle threat matches in Easy W history, but with the help of Marmaduke and Egg Salad, he’s able to take control of Ordertaker. Just as things look their worst for our hero, suddenly the lights turn off and when they come back on, Egg Salad has eaten Marmaduke and died of a heart attack. Ordertaker hits Gordo with a frozen Tombstone Pizza and gets the pin! The Easy W crowd goes nuts for the victory by their returning hero!

Backstage, Chrissy Hyatte gives a blowjob to Cid Cash.

What the audience at home doesn’t realize is that Miss Constantinople is actually the Returning Leetah in disguise! So while Roadconstructor, Daring and Tatanka are distracted trying to fight off the evil bWo, they are blindsided by ThEdge, who gets on the mic and says that he’s ready to make an impact right here in Easy W arena! BANK ON IT! After ThEdge and Leetah leave, Nova gets the pin. Unfortunately, nobody was paying attention. Even worse, we don’t get to hear Roadconstructor’s famous line, “Mmmm…Chicklets!”

Backstage, Paul Herman gnaws pensively on a ham sandwich.

In one of the greatest return matches of all time, Roy Misterio locks horns (figuratively and litterally) with one of the greatest cruiserweights ever to agree to appear on this show. Roy gets an early advantage when Psichoanalysis is distracted by trying to talk to that one fan in the funny hat and Hawaiian shirt about his dependency issues, and Roy is able to hit him with the 916. After a mighty struggle, Roy’s mask falls into his eyes and the crowd chants “You Can’t Fucking See! You Can’t Fucking See!” Suddenly, Eddie Guerrera comes out from the crowd and hits Psichoanalysis with a chair, and Roy gets the pin. What was that dastardly Guerrera doing?

Backstage Rob Van Sante gives the Following Promo:

RVD: It’s me! Mr. Paper View! The Whole Fucking Shoe, Rob Van Sante! I’m here to say that unfortunately, I can’t wrestle here on the Easy W One Nightstand PPV!

Bill Al Gonzo: Why’s that Rob?

RVD: Because I’m sooooo high right now. RVD 4:20, dude!

Timmy Dreamer: Uh…we’ve got you booked tonight.

RVD: Duuuuude.

The Rematch You’ve All Been Waiting For! Rob’s leg falls apart during the prematch posing, so the entire match is Lynn jumping off things into the crowd. Everybody agrees that this is the best match of his career. Saboo runs out to help his old partner, but when he gets on the top rope to pose, he falls off and breaks his neck. After a few minutes, Bill Al Gonzo throws RVD a chair, and Rob nails Lynn with the Chair To the Face for the pin. After the match, Lynn complains to nobody in particular that he shouldn’t have asked TNA for permission to work this match.

Backstage, Jamison prepares his clients for their upcoming match by letting them touch his ass.

This is a classic Easy W Survivor Series Match. The first one out is Jamison who gets hit in the ass by a chair swung by Ballz. Then, Al Snowmen remembers that he brought a little “head” and out comes Chrissy Hyatte who gives him a “snowjob.” But he’s so exhausted that he gets pinned by Just Incorrigible. Then Rotting Axl eats Big Veedo. Spike TV Dudley is the next to be eliminated after he gets so excited to see his old girlfriend in the crowd (no, not Mighty Mallory, Little Liftetime TV Dudley) that he jumps through a table and gets pinned by W.C.W. Anderson. Then, in a reunion of the Impromptu Players, Garrison Storm runs out and hits Rotting Axl with the Superkick Heard ‘Round the Building, and Just gets the pin. All alone and by himself, Ballz fights the odds and beats the spread taking his position as the underdog and climbing out from adversity to hit W.C.W. with a chair. Now, with just Just and Rotten left, the crowd fires up a huge “You Guys Suck” chant, which brings a tear to their eyes. Jodi, on commentary, relates to the ten people watching in their homes that Just Incorrigible was one of the last Easy W champions ever, and points out that that’s probably one of the reason’s we’re doing a Reunion Show right now. Rotten and Just brawl for about twelve seconds, before X-Box runs out to reform the Ex-Factor! However, Ex-Factor sucks, and Prince Albert in a Can isn’t wrestling anymore, so they both job to Axl. ******

Backstage, Mick Whipersnapper starts on fire.

The Rematch You’ve All Been Waiting For! This is a continuation of their classic feud from…uh…Japan? WCW? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Dan Malenko and Percy Satellite would be proud. Benwah throws some suplexes, but Guerrera counters by kicking him in the balls. Chavita Guerrera runs out and helps Latin Heat take control of the match, until Benoit brings out The Woman to counter him. Chavita and The Woman roll around on the mat for a while while Jodi screams “WOMEN ROLLING AROUND! WOMEN ROLLING AROUND!” Classic. The end of the match comes when Roy Misterio, returning the favor from earlier, tries to hit Benoit with the chair, but misses and hits Guerrera instead. Oh NO! Heel turn by Roy!

Backstage, the Queen of Scream Frankline gives Teri Funky a blowjob.

I guess Sandguy was fit to wrestle after all. The entire match is The Dudleyz beating up on Timmy with barbed wire covered duck decoys and various tables while The Sandguy stands out in the audience and drinks beer. Then, a barbed wire cage lowers from the barn in the ceiling and That’s So Raven runs out and ties Timmy to the cage, and Bueller comes out to try to reason with her old flame, but the Dudley Brotherz break her neck, so Kimono Wokkawokka comes out and makes out with Bueller’s broken face, and Timmy yells, “I’m man enough for both of them! I’m hardcore, I’m hardcore!” until That’s So Raven nails him in the crotch with a barbed wire covered croquet mallet. Then, ThEdge runs out and grabs the mic!

ThEdge: I’m going to use my BANK ON IT contract right here tonight to take on the champion of this shitty dead promotion!

Backstage, Virus the Cyrus tells Vince MacMahon that he’s kicked off Spike Dudley TV. Vince cries.

ThEdge (w/ The Returning Leetah) v. Rhinoceros
For the Easy W Heavyweight and Possibly Colecovision Titles

Lita comes out and she’s NOT WEARING A SHIRT! “Oh. My. Gordo!” sayeth Jodi! Then Joe Gardener comes out and reads the following poem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Everyone’s had sex with Lita
Why can’t I too?

So Gardener and Lita have sex. This is a true clash of the Titans as both ThEdge and The Rhino go for their GORE GORE GORE finishers right away and knock each other out. There is dead air for the next twenty minutes while both men recover from having their surgically repaired necks crushed, so Styles fills the void by telling Taz to check out 1wrestling.com for the hottest wrestling news. “OH! MY! GOLLY! It’s the best webpage in the land, Taz.” “That’s great, brotha.” Then, The Sandguy finishes his entrance. White Russian to the mouth! Singapore Cane to ThEdge! Barbed Wire Covered Barbed Wire shot to Rhinoceros. ThEdge over for the pin. 1...2...3!! We have a new Easy W champion! The crowd chants “Easy W! Easy W!” because ThEdge is a WAY better champion than Steve Corona or Just Incorrigible. Just as ThEdge is celebrating his title victory and his return to dominance over non-existent promotions….

It’s time to play the match game!

Backstage, Mark Foley and Storm Cloud Steve Action decide not to attend the PPV.

Triple HHH v. ThEdge (w/ The Returning Leetah)
For the Easy W Heavyweight Title

The history is thick for this match. For the first time, two WWE Superstars meet in a WCW ring for the Easy W title. ThEdge is exhausted from that marathon match he just had and can hardly move, so Triple HHH dominates the early part of the match by standing on the ropes and spitting water at the stupid people who paid $400 for a “real used Easy W Chair”. Just as it looks like ThEdge is about to meet his end with the DOUBLE UNDERHOOK PILEDRIVER TO THEDGE~!, Deacon Bautista comes out from the crowd and hits Triple HHH with some barbed wire covered cotton candy. ThEdge gets two. Then, the man who personifies Easy W, Slicked Rick, Ricky Flare comes out from under the ring with The Woman, Kimono, Chrissy Hyatte, Frankline, Don Marie, The Paralyzed Body of Bueller, Torrie Watson, Stacey Keebler, Krissey Hemme, Enjoy Giovani, Boobsy McTitsalot, Victory, Tritch Stratus, The Returning Leetah, Sabel, Tammy Lynn Stitch, Carmen Elektra, Jackleen Gaydar, Lidian Garciapara, Hiroshima, Melinda, Scara Taker, Mighty Mallory, Laura Jordan, TriForce, Desirous, Sharmell T, Ebony, M.C. Cool, Scarab Sherry, Amy Webster, Barbra BBs, Alexa Laree, Medeuca, Buffy, Delilah Austin, Gale Kimchee, Jizz, Lydia MacMahon, Jaquailin, Miss Cathy, Nicola Brook Trout, Nidio, Tough Enough Jessie, Euriqua, Teri Rumsfeld, Torni, Maven Young, Fabulous Money, The Nitron Grrrls, Georgious Gorge, Kimpage, Lt. Commander Gunns, Roidrajiah, Goodnight, Pamela Poundshock, Ryan Shuttlecock, Chastity Belt, and the girls of WOAH and they all do a fan dance, which distracts ThEdge just long enough for him to get hit with the Pedigree. Triple HHH wins! He wipes his ass with the Easy W banner while Jodi Styles says, “Oh My Groin!” because Taz just sucker punched his balls under the table. “Tune in next week for more hot Easy W, action, brotha!”

Dare I say it? Best PPV…Ever?

EVER!!

Well, that’s it for me. Tune in next week when Bullfrog devotes 951 words to how awesome I am.

If anyone has any comments or, dare I say it? Photos of hot Shuttlecock on Shuttlecock action, e-mail me at [email protected]. IF YOU DARE!

And remember, if you heard it here, I probably stole it! But nevertheless, it’s…INSIDE THE ROPES (whatever the hell that means)~!