And it’s time to get lyrical like fother mucker because John Cena is out, and I have it on good authority, don’t quote me on this, but from what I understand, The Champ is HERE!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO!
Eric Bischoff: Uh…John….
Cena: YO!
Bischoff: Yeah…
Cena: YO!
Bischoff: Great.
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Bischoff: Uh-huh. I’m gonna go stand over here for a minute.
Cena:

I used to be on Smackdown,
But now I’m on RAW!
Takin’ out Christian,
Like Gadget took out CLAW!
Jericho was supposed to be Penny,
With Tomko as Brain,
But I guess everybody here,
Wants a part of the chain.

WWE Smackdown Referee Brian Hebner materializes to give Cena a beat.

John Cena is cool,
There’s nobody harder.
Everybody is sitting on Coach,
I’m flying a charter!
This is the John Cena rap,
Everybody get down!
People all fall on their knees
When I roll into town
So pack your bags,
Grab a beer!
One thing you should know,
Is that the CHAMP…IS…HERE!

The Wind: That was amazing. I felt the emotions swirl inside me like a tornado of grief and sadness, but with an aftermath as peaceful as a cool summer night.
Cena: Word.

Now’s as good a time as any for Hassan and Daivari…I guess.

Muhammed Hassan: What the hell was that? No, seriously. I’ve thrown up things that were more coherent than that promo. God…er…Allah…whatever. It’s no friggin’ WONDER we’re not getting pushed, Daivari. Look at this. We’ve been trying to make some sense. It’s not because of racism or because I’m not really Arabic, or religious persecution. It’s because we put time and effort into our promos.
Cena: You want some? COME GET SOME! You don’t like me? BITE ME!
Hassan: Look at this! He’s recycling RICK STEINER catchphrases on us. RICK STEINER!
Khosrow Daivari: That’s messed up, man. I’m telling you. Messed up.
Hassan: Let me try something.
Daivari: Unleash it, baby. Come on.
Hassan: You will bow down to me because I am the millennium man! I am the MASTER AND THE RULER OF THE WORLD!
Bischoff: Saaaay, handsome. What’s you’re name? It doesn’t matter. How would you like a world title match…TONIGHT?!
Hassan: Holy crap.
Daivari: Wow.
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

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I guess Eric still wants to chat?

Bischoff: Before I was so rudely interrupted by that commercial break, I wanted to mention that our newest pick in the draft lottery will be coming out next, and let me tell you, it’s a dandy. This guy won titles, he did stuff, hardly ever appeared on Velocity, he was a straight A student, in short I’m pleased to announce our next draft pick….

It’s Shelton Benjamin? Again? Oh, awesome! I bet he goes over HHH!

Shelton Benjamin: Is it Charlie Haas? Please tell me it’s Charlie Haas!
Bischoff: Dude, I said “hardly ever appeared on Velocity.”
Benjamin: Damn.
Bischoff: Here he is!

Who the hell is Carlito Caribbean Cool? Whoever he is, I’m already sick of typing his longass name.

Triple C: I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool.
Benjamin: Randy Orton used to do that!
Bischoff: And then he’d poop in your bag.
Benjamin: Do you poop in people’s bags?
Carlito: Nah, man. Nothing like that. I just…you know…spit apples.
Benjamin: That’s pretty lame.
Bischoff: Yeah. I thought you were going to be cool. Your name SAID “Cool.” Somebody trade this dorkwad off my show. See if we can’t get…Hnnrnnr or something.
Carlito: No, no! I swear! I’m cool. Look at me. Memememememememe! Huh?
Bischoff: Yeeeeeah. Hey. Awesome. You’re like a smaller, dorkier Scott Hall. Coooool.

In a gutter, in Sao Paolo….

Scott Hall: Hey, yo, Kev? Is he insinuating that I’m not cool?
Kevin Nash: I don’t think so, Scott. Now get back to sleep.
Hall: Oh. Ok. Because…I am cool. You know that right?
Nash: Yes. You’re cool. Ok? Get back to sleep! We’ve gotta find a youth hostel or something to sleep off these hangovers tomorrow. How the hell did you know about that anyway? We don’t have a TV.
Hall: It’s just a feeling, I get. You know? When somebody is insulting my machismo.
Nash: How’d I know?
Hall: Magic.
Nash: Oh. How do you know the word “insinuating”?
Hall: You ask too many questions.
Nash: Wanna go work a TNA Internet Show?
Hall: Hahahahahahahahaha!
Nash: Yeah. Man, we’ve got problems.

Back at RAW.

Bischoff: I’ll give you this. Spinning plates on your hair IS kind neat…but it’s not really “cool.”
Carlito: Well…what the hell does this guy have?
Benjamin: That’s easy, man. There ain’t no stoppin’ me…NAH!
Carlito: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that!

Triple C v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Remember: Carlito’s magic power is winning midcard titles in debut matches. You know who I feel bad for? Matt Morgan. Now the poor guy’s gotta feud with Big Show all by himself. Maybe they can sign Nathan Jones back as a pity pick. Maybe Bischoff’ll trade Maven and those “Highlight Reel” X thingies for Morgan and the Cabana hammock. That’s pretty fair, I think. Plus, everybody could use a good hammock. Benjamin starts the match by falling over. Orton wins! He’s still holding you down from beyond the grave! Ok. Not really. But not exactly an auspicious start for Shelton.

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J.R. apparently thinks Carlito’s name is “The Cool Caribbean”. Maybe he can feud with Sea Breeze. First though, he’s got to finish this match against Shelton. Shelton nails his signature spot of jumping off the top, landing, and clotheslining a guy (which he totally stole from Kane), but by the time he is able to recover from how totally awesome his moveset is, he gets rolled up and Carlito holds onto the ropes for the win. That’s his move! Now, next thing you know, somebody’s gonna stab Shelton in the kidney. Where are you when we need you Jesus?

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Edge is getting ready for his big wedding…Wedding? Man these kids are moving so fast these days. We’re not even in Vegas until Sunday. Geez. Looks like he’s going as a pirate. That’ll be neat. “Y’ar! Avast me wench and bring me some ale!”

In Cameron, North Carolina.

Molly Holly: Matt, the house blew up. We have nothing. Give it up. Let’s go see if we can get jobs somewhere.
Matt Hardy: Shhhh…Show’s about to start!

Woooooah Yeah! I can stop a tornado! I can dry up a sea, yeah!

Matt Hardy: And we’re back! Welcome to the Matt Hardy Show, live from the lovely Hardy studios in the remains of my house!
Fat Girls in Hardy Shirts: SQUEAL!
Matt: I’m Matt Hardy, and with me as always is my good buddy, Rhyno. How you doin’ Rhyno?
Rhyno: I’m gonna GORE SOMETHING REAL FRIGGIN’ BAD! I friggin’ want a re-match against friggin’ Sabu! You hear that, you little pricks?
Fat Girls: Hahahahaha!
Matt: What a character! Rhyno, ladies and gentleman.

Applause. Rhyno gores through a chunk of what used to be a fireplace. Wild cheers.

Matt: We’ll check back in with him later in the show. Now, also joining us tonight, straight from her living area in a tent by the Xtreme Volcano, it’s Molly Holly! Give it up, ya’ll!
Fat Girls: WE LOVE YOU MOLLY!
Molly: Thanks?

Matt: You look lovely. All right, tonight, I’m going to show y’all how to cook muskrabbit, and also proper bomb safety for your next backyard death match. And a little segment we like to call….
Fat Girls: DIP LITA’S PICTURE IN ACID!
Matt: You know it! Plus we check in with Jeff, me getting hit in the face by a meat cleaver, an interview with “The Legend”, and hot new rumors about the greatest reunion to hit wrestling today, dare I say…OMEGA REUNION!
Fat Girls: Huh?
Matt: VEEEEOOOOOOOOONAH!
Fat Girls: YAY!
Matt: All that and more, right after this commercial break.

….

Molly: This isn’t even a real show.
Matt: Shhh…we don’t talk during commercials.

Back at RAW, Superstar Billy Graham is sitting in the front row with his face in his hands, slowly shaking his head. Backstage, Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with Carlito.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Carlito. Carlito, I have deduced based on the current aggregate of fan support, in-ring action, poll questions, WWE.com skills rankings, alcohol consumption and what one of the security guards told me while we were making of the intercourse, that you aren’t even a real wrestler. What do you have to say about that?

Carlito spits an apple at her.

Triple C: Oh! Geez. Sorry. Oh, man. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that, it’s just…you’re allegations were so shocking. Let me whip this sticky stuff off your face.
Maria: It’s ok. I’m used to it.
Carlito: Right.

Lillian Garcia seems very happy to see Viscera. Maybe it’s because he’s moved out of the outhouse and into the penthouse. Ok, well, not really, but he DID trade in his garbage bags for some cloth swabs. 1,000 Luis Vuitton bags died to bring us this ring gear. Nova puts up a valiant fight, but it was all for naught, as a guy doesn’t have awesome ring gear like Viscera and not get pushed. Ok, Ultimo Dragon. But come on, he wasn’t NEARLY this fat. Viscera celebrates by humping Nova.

Lillian Garcia: Sunday, Viscera, we’re in Vegas, and so I’m ready to make you a lucky, lucky man.
Viscera: Oh, baby, tell me we goin’ to all the buffets we can hit in a week. I will cherish you for the rest of our existence, child.
Lillian: Whatever you say.
Nova: Hello? What am I? Chopped liver? No, you’d probably eat me then. Fine. I didn’t want a relationship anyway. Besides. I’m NOVA! Friggin’ NOVA, people! Where’s MY ECW push?

Here’s some clips from DIVASEARCH 2005~! The girls giggle about how much they loved making out with Coach, learning to blow their lines on national TV, and talked about how excited they were that even if they don’t win, they’ll still get the chance to be publicly humiliated and hazed by Randy Orton! Unless they wind up on RAW. Then the job falls to…Oh, I don’t know, let’s say Tomko.

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Todd Grisham is standing by with Chris Jericho.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho, and Chris, I’ve got to ask you, what happened to you man? You used to be cool. We were so depressed together, we were making depressed kids write e-mails telling us that things aren’t so bad. Now, I rarely see you blading, you got a haircut, you even smirked last week. What’s gotten into you?
Chris Jericho: Get a job you loser.
Grisham: The only one who’s getting jobbed here is YOU!
Chris Tian: OH SNAP! He zinged you but good, Chris. What’s up now? Huh?! What’s up?
Jericho: I guess I’ll just have to win the WWE Title from John Cena and get drafted to Smackdown where I’ll be the biggest star.
Tian: Oh yeah well…I hope you have a good time because both your albums suck.
Jericho: You’re just jealous because you and Edge’s jug band never took off.
Tian: Maybe a little.
Tomko: ….
Tian: Shut up, man! You could NEVER jug like Edge. NEVER!

Tian runs off while Tomko runs to follow. Jericho shrugs and leaves. Alone, Grisham takes out a bottle of pills and downs them. After a few minutes, he looks at the bottle to see that his doctor had prescribed him a bottle of “Good ‘n’ Plenties.”

Grisham: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In the Bischoffice, Kurt Angle and Eric Bischoff bond.

Kurt Angle: …so then I said, “I’m gonna make bestiality with your wife.” Unfortunately, we couldn’t afford the goat. But it would’ve been pretty cool.
Bischoff: So that’s what Paisley’s been up to? Wow. What a long strange trip this has been. What about your wife? She’s cool with this?
Angle: Oh yeah. Paisley, Stephanie, you know, whatever. We’re what you might call…swingers.
Bischoff: Really? You don’t say. Well, I know this great clu….
Edge: You guys talking about swinging? Let me in on the action!
Angle: Lita’s down?
Edge: Who cares? Girls are lining up around the block to get a shot at Edge!
Triple H: Count me in! Stephanie needs to get out of the house more.
DDP: FEEL ME BANG! Your wife!
Bischoff: Get out of here. You’re not even married to Kim anymore.
Kane: I couldn’t help but listen in with this camera here and all. I want action.
Bischoff: So it’s decided, a secret society, built right here on RAW. We’ll call it…Degeneration SeX!
Vince McMahon: Sounds great, guys. We’ll meet every Wednesday.
Kane: Ew. Linda? Noooooo thanks.
Triple H: And keep your hands off Stephanie. Oh my God. I think I’m gonna puke.
Vince: He’s gonna PUUUUUUuuuke!!
Bischoff: Degeneration SeX is off. Thanks a lot, Vince.
DDP: I’m still in!
Vince: No, no. It just wouldn’t be the same.
DDP: Aw.
Vince: Besides, I’ve already got a Plan B.
Brock Lesnar: HERE COMES THE PAIN, LINDA!
Sable: I’ll be waiting in the Limo, Mr. McMahon.
Vince: Old people sex! YES!

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Yar! Set sail for commitment! Unfortunately, Cap’n Edge couldn’t get an orchestra on such short notice, so Christian had to play him down to the ring on kazoo. Not quite the same as a jug band though. And heeeeeeeeere’s Lita wearing what appears to be Stephanie McMahon’s old wedding dress. Something borrowed! How nice. Hope you don’t pop out like Steph did, babe. WOW! They got Mean Gene to be the minister. That’s always been my dream. If I were to ever get married, that is. Which I won’t. But a guy can dream. Anyway, here’s a video package of Lita and Edge having sex. Wow. That was really heartening. It’s always nice to see a young couple in love. This wedding needs more Kane.

Mean Gene Oakerlund: All right. Folks, it is truly an honor and a blessing to stand her before you to join this pirate and this slut in holy matrimony. As my friend the late great, Gorilla Monsoon, once said, “They’re hanging from the rafters to get a peek at Lita’s titties.” It didn’t make much sense then, because you were only, like, 7 years old, but looking back, it really fits this segment. Now, I really want to get to the open bar, but I understand that somebody wants to read a selection for you. Mr. Orton?

Abe Orton: Ehem.

Lita, I really like your ass,
Edge I like your hat.
You have nice boobs, girl
Edge, you’re prettier than Matt.
I’m sorry I killed your baby, dear
Though It wasn’t my fault.
I blame Kane and society,
And video games and the occult,
Being with you here on this day
Fills my heart with joy and love,
It is as if this angle
Was written by God above.
I hope that your life together
Is like some kind of great dream,
I know I’ll be happy watching you,
And that, as a pair, you’ll be
2Xtreme.

In Cameron, North Carolina….

Matt: JEFF HARDY! YOU ROTTEN CHEATING, LYING BASTARD! That’s it! Show’s over, guys. Somebody get me my gun. I’m going to go end this once and for all!
Molly: Matt, it’s totally not worth it. Just relax. Have a beer. You can’t make it in time to stop the wedding.
Rhyno: Oh, he can friggin’ make it to stop the friggin’ wedding!

Matt pulls out his imaginary gun cocks it and takes out a can of “Blueberry Rush” YJStinger. The power of bees compels him to fall deep into time and space. Meanwhile, back on RAW.

Mean Gene: And now, another poem?
Jon Hnnrnnr: Thank you, sir. I was giddy when my friend Abe invited me to come speak at this greatest of occasions. I only hope I get drafted so that us and my new friends The Wind and Kane can start our poetry reading club, The Dead Babies Poetry Society. But it’s a secret so…shhhhh…

Lita has nice big floppy tits
Edge’s spear gives the ladies fits,
I like to dance with kids
Nothing wrong with that is.
I hope your marriage doesn’t split.
THIS IS A POEM BY HNNRNNR!

Mean Gene: All right! Now, ladies and gentlemen, unless there are further interruptions, I’d like to get to the business at han…

WOOOOOoaaah Yeaaah! I can stop a tornadooo! Matt Hardy materializes on the stage, and cocks both his imaginary hand pistols. With vigor never before seen on live television, he points them at his own head.

Matt Hardy: So it’s come to this! Lita! I loved you! I always loved you! But I can’t live in a world without your love. I hoped it would never come to this. But…This is goodbye! YEEEEEAAAAARGGGG!

Matt begins pumping imaginary hand bullets into his head, violently rocking himself until finally, he falls off the stage.

Matt: Ow.
Mean Gene: Anyone else? Great. Edge, would you like to read your vows?
Edge: Certainly. Lita, you be a slut! But you can sail me ship any day. We’ll rot together like two parrots that be havin’ scurvy! ARR! Shiver me timbers. From now on, the only big, red, bald monster ye have to be worrying about, is in me pants!
Mean Gene: Well put. Lita?
Lita: Edge, darling, I AM a slut. I slept with three people before I even got into this dress and came out here. This marriage will never work out, but I don’t know how we’re going to catch up to Larry King otherwise. I know a great annulment place in Vegas. Let’s have sex there.
Mean Gene: All right. Awesome! Without further ado, let’s get to the marrying. By the power invested in me by Mean Gene Burger, I now pronounce you….

Kane jumps out of the wedding cake in a blonde wig, red dress with stockings and silver heels.

Kane: Surprise!
Edge: Woah.
Lita: How’d you learn to walk in heels better than me?
Edge: I spent all me doubloons on that cake!

The Wind jumps out of the punch.

The Wind: Gasp…Is this wedding almost over yet?
Mean Gene: I was just about to pronounce these two man and….
Kane: How about just one more booby feel, for ol’ Kane?
Lita: You bet.
Edge: No way! We’re married and half these boobies belong to me now! And I’m taking them far away!

Edge picks up Lita and dashes off, into a waiting Limo, while Maven and Rob Conway throw rice at them. The Wind scoops Matt Hardy up and carries him off.

Mean Gene: Well…that wasn’t a wedding.
Abe: What a gyp!
Mean Gene: All I have to say now folks is for more information on Lita and Edge’s hot, non-matrimonial sex tonight, call the WCW Hotline! That’s 1-900-555-SEXY, and I’ll give you the play-by-play from inside their closet! Kids get your parent’s permission before calling! Hey, do you mind if I have some cake?
Kane: You can have some cake…IN HELL!

Kane chokeslams Mean Gene and then lights the wedding stuff on fire. Thank God, I thought we’d NEVER get that out of the ring. Kane comments on the depressing lack of midgets in this year’s weddings and then hops out and leaves while Christian plays his theme on the kazoo.

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Backstage, Kane has a camera. EXTREME NASAL CLOSEUP!

Kane: Did you see that, Lita? What kind of man gives you a wedding like that? I had an orchestra. I had Matt Hardy. I had Booker T! What did your wedding have? Me in a cake. What kind of man schedules your ex-husband to jump out of a cake wearing a dress at your wedding? Not a very good one, I’ll tell you that much. But, it’s your own trouble now. Maybe you can get married next week, eh? Until then though…I’m Batman!

Kane puts on his mask and jumps off the side of a building. Meanwhile, Todd Grisham is standing by with Christy Hemme.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Christy Hemme. Christy, you were in some stupid thing a few weeks ago, and now we’re dragging that back out to fill time both tonight and for the PPV Sunday. How does that feel?
Christy Hemme: Todd, Victoria gives me fits! I can’t believe that hussy! This Sunday I’m going to rip her apart and snack on her entrails! I’m going to….

Victoria enters and nails Christy with a Ming Vase, killing her. Todd bends down, the ketchup from his hot dog and Christy’s red hair dye running over his hands.

Todd Grisham: That was supposed to be ME that died! That was supposed to be ME!
Joey Styles: OH MY GOD!

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Paramedic: Christy, do you know what your name is?
Christy: Uh…no. Is it Lance Storm?
Paramedic #2: She’s feminine. Let’s go.

Afterwords, Todd convinces the paramedics to let him OD on morphine. Todd Grisham has perished.

Muhammed Hassan (w/ Khosrow Daivari) v. John Cena
For the WWE You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round Like a Title Belt Right Round Round Round Title

Cena just wants your love. LooooooOOOVE! Hassan gets some early moves in, but really, come on. Who does this guy think he is? Austinberg? If you think Hassan is NEXT GIVE ME A HELL YEAH! Cena hits his “Five Moves of Doom” which for those of you scoring at home are:

1. Triple Jump Moonsault
2. Standing There
3. Blinking
4. Side Russian Legsweep
5. THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Cena wins. After the match, Chris Tian and Jericho run out and kick Cena in the crotch. When they get bored with that…Who am I kidding? They NEVER get bored with that. They just get cut off by….

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Tian is wandering around backstage, trying to tell Slutcy Keibler and Boobsy McTitsalot how he could have been part of the greatest jug band in the world if not for Edge’s neck injury.

DIVASEARCH 2005~! This year’s finalists? WHO CARES! I hope “Girl in Baseball Hat” wins, because she actually had the nerve to wear a baseball hat. Also because everybody else this year is ugly. Hot damn, I could have sworn Alexis Laree was going to win. Molly should have entered this. Next week? They’ll all be here giving rectal exams to Eugene! Sounds like fun, so don’t miss out!

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I guess Dave is wrestling in one of those Doin’ Well in a Cell matches I’m always hearing about, but I haven’t seen a video package for it all night. Much less five. Angle does his best to try to guide Dave through a series of chain wrestling moves, but Dave’s not having any of it. I think he’s just jealous that he’s not the only world champion anymore. And the other one gets more mic time. Here’s Triple H and Ric Flair, because God knows they were getting as bored with this as I was. Now Shawn Michaels is prancing out. Eric Bischoff comes out too. Just ‘cuz.

Eric Bischoff: I want a tag team match. RIGHT NOW!
The Hurricane: Oh, awesome!
Bischoff: With those guys.
Hurricane: Oh. Sigh.
Triple H: Eric, do you think you could get me over to Smackdown? Just for a week or so, anyway. Think about it, they’ve got Holly, JBL, Undertaker, and now Orton? That sounds like a PARTY, man!
Bischoff: Probably not.

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A tenuous alliance between the two former enemies, Hunter and Angle is formed. Maybe Flair can play Stephanie. Angle can knock him out and then go make out with him. Maybe not though. Angle and Shawn do some double-underhook grapple crap that makes the kids all excited these days, but Angle suddenly remembers that he forgot to set his Tivo to record Wimbledon tomorrow, so he bails. Shawn prances after him. Hunter and Dave battle back and forth for in-ring supremacy, but HHH gets the advantage with a well timed kick to the nuts, which is enough to nail the PEDIGREE TO DAVE~! and get the win. So that means Dave is winning Hell in a Cell right? Poor Hunter.

This Sunday: Dave Shocks The World when he beats HHH in a Hell in a Cell match for the first time since Kurt Angle did it a couple years ago. Not that anybody is keeping track of those things. Plus, John Cena successfully raps his way out of a paper bag, but it’s a mighty struggle! And, Edge, Lita and Kane all get married by Bilvis Wesley.

Goodnight, everybody!