Kurt Angle: What up? Ok, so I lost last night. That’s fine, because at least it was to Shawn Michaels and not to some sixty year old man with gigantic manboobs. Instead

Ric Flair: WOO! I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOO!

Angle: Ric, Degeneration Sex dissolved last week.

Flair: Oh yeah? Well, let me tell you something, in my day we didn’t talk about people when they didn’t have any pants and…Wait, you’re Kurt Angle!

Angle: Uh-huh.

Flair: Well, I hate to cut a face promo here, Kurt, but I mark out for you every time you bury some no talent jobber and shoot on him until he bleeds hardway and then you go have sex with Stephanie McMahon so that you can make sure that he doesn’t get his heat back on you because you’re THE NATURE BOY! WOOO!

Angle: I thought you liked maintaining kayfabe.

Flair: WOO!

Angle: Uh…?

The Voice of the Undertaker: Honestly, I find it better to just let him keep going. Eventually he’ll tire himself out.

Flair: I’ve got a son. WOO! His name is REID, BY GOD, FLAIR! And I hope he grows up to be like you! Bald and with a broken neck! Because he’s a crap wrestler right now, and the only way he’ll get over is if he has a good gimmick, like you! The guy who looks like a penis! WOO!

Angle: Hey….

Flair: And don’t get me started on David! The kid gets everything! He gets Torrie! He gets Stacy! He gets Daffney! The U.S. Title! The nWo! How does he repay me? By being the worst worker in the country this side of Eric Angle.

Angle: That’s not….

Flair: Oh, I hope to God David ends up like Jake Roberts, fat, in court and coked out of his head, traveling from armory to armory and gym to gym trying to cash in on whatever name value I have left because I’M THE NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR, GODDAMMIT AND I’M NOT ABOVE PETTY REVENGE! You want to destroy my family Russo? I’ll show you how to destroy my family! You want to destroy my family? I’ll show you how to destroy my family!

Angle: Ric?

Flair: And I hope my daughter, Ashley Flair, I hope she ends up like Lita, moving from wrestler to wrestler like some kind of plagued ring rat, because BY GOD even the Nature Boy wants a piece of that!

Angle: Ok. Ew.

Flair: I’m the DIRTIEST OLD MAN IN THE GAME! WOOO! Space Mountain may be the oldest ride in the park, but it still…still…They still fumigate it for rats every month! WOO!

Angle: Do you want to wrestle me, Naitch?

Flair is sound asleep. Angle frowns and carries him backstage.

(ads)

Last night, Eric Bischoff spoke with Chris Jericho, Chris Tian, and Tyson Tomko.

Eric Bischoff: …and THAT is how babies are made.

Chris Jericho: We already knew that. Somehow it seems really gross coming directly from you though. We asked you about what we’re doing on RAW tomorrow. And the answer better the hell not be “having sex.”

Chris Tian: Shh…let’s hear him out on this. Tell us about the sex.

Bischoff: It’s going to be Jericho, Tian and Tomko taking on John Cena and Two Mystery Partners.

Tian: Ach. Total Sausagefest. Forget it. I don’t need to see Tomko’s wiener. Again.

Jericho: You DO mean in a wrestling match, don’t you?

Bischoff: Yeah. Sure. Wrestling.

Jericho: That’s great! He’ll never get any partners. Everybody on RAW thinks he’s stale and boring!

Tian: Oh yeah, well, what if he gets Shaw….

Jericho: DON’T spoil it.

Tyson Tomko: ….

Jericho: Dude! Way to spoil it. God. So much for building up THAT angle.

Where, in this equation, ??? = Draft Pick. I hate math. The equation quickly devolves into Abe Orton - Edge - Lita v. ??? - Kane + Bischoff, when Edge and Lita realize that they’ve had just about enough Kane, and bail, and Kane follows because that’s the only storyline he’s been capable of sustaining in a while. Bischoff grabs a mic. Oh boy! It’s DRAFT TIME!

Eric Bischoff: Abe, I know you’re curious about who our next draft pick is, and I’m not going to make you wait much longer. All I have to say is that this pick is BIG! Very BIG! This guy is going to help turn RAW into a really big show. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he’s already shown how big he is to the audience. I don’t mean to infer anything, but he deserves to be on big show like RAW, because this is the only show that’s big enough for a big star like him to show his talents. And he has big talents to show. So without further ado, with it’s fourth pick, WWE RAW proudly selects another big addition to our show!

Is it Charlie Haas?

I never would have guessed. Very subtle. Have you guys checked out the three man announce booth? It’s like J.R. is Mike Tenay, there to provide solid analysis, even though he’s wrong half the time and looks really scary on camera, Coach is like Mark Madden, throwing out whatever jokes he can come up with to amuse himself because he’s not actually paying attention to the show, and Lawler is Tony Schiavone constantly just screaming things into the mic, hoping that something intelligible comes out before the commercial break. These guys are, like, the best WCW announce team ever. IT’S A NEW DAY FOR ANNOUNCE TEAMS! Big Show wins after a chokeslam. I think.

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Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with John Cena.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, my sources say that you’ve come up with a partner for tonight’s main event! Who is it? Is it Charlie Haas? The Dingo Warrior? Me?

John Cena: YO Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo!

Maria: I like toys.

Cena: YO!

Maria, you’re lookin’ so fine,
I wish those boobies were mine,
I’d take them out of your shirt,
It’s how the Chain Gang likes to flirt!
I’ve got a partner for the match,
I’d have to say, he’s a great catch!
So if you could, grab me a beer,
Because, Maria, THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Shawn Michaels: Oh, that’s right, John. You see, I’ve decided to tag with John Cena tonight in the hope that, by proxy, I’ll look WAY cooler than him, and be pushed into my rightful spot of jobbing to Hunter in the main event. To further distract from the fact that this guy is even in the match, I’ve made a very special call to a very special guest, and let me tell you, he’s going to be an even bigger distraction from the rest of the jobbers in this match than me!

Yo, my home boy HBK,
I’ve heard what you have to say,
We’re like Link, They’re Gannon,
Nice to hear you called Bull Buchanan!

HBK: I didn’t. Why the hell would I do that? Just because he was your partner…for like a week?

If you didn’t hook up my boy B-Squared
Then I know the plane you’ve got in there,
You’re Goin’ way, WAY back,
And Bringin’ in my boy Rodney Mack!

HBK: Hell no.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Maria: Shawn, will you prance for me? I do so love it when you prance.

HBK: Ma’am, I’d love to, but my prancing belongs to the Lord.

Maria: I like duckies.

HBK: You…keep that up.

OMG Are you ready for DIVA SEARCH 2005~!? Well…you’re going to have to wait. Sorry.

Edge and Lita are backstage trying to escape the effervescent power of more Kane.

Lita: I just remembered I have to duck into this room for a few seconds and do my make-up.

Edge: NOW? Geez, can’t that wait until we get into the car at least?

Lita: It’d get all smudgy!

Edge: It’s already all smudgy! Besides, you look enough like a whore as it is, no sense piling on.

Lita: Aww, that’s sweet. I’ll be right back.

Edge: Ugh. Can’t wait until AFTER we’ve escaped the lumbering monster. Can a girl GET a salad? Fine. Whatever. I’ll stand watch.

In the locker room, Lita cakes on some more eye shadow, suddenly, Kane jumps out of her luggage.

Kane: It’s me! Kane!

Lita: What the hell do you want? I told you, those Falco tapes are MINE!

Kane: I was…I was going to kidnap you into loving me again.

Lita: Ugh…what is it with you and Matt? He found another girlfriend, and so can you.

In Cameron, North Carolina….

Molly Holly: You did? Good for you! Who’s the…uh…lucky lady?

Matt Hardy: Matt Hardy is dead! Long live Matt Hardy!

Molly: You PRETENDED to shoot yourself. Don’t tell me we’re going to do this stupid funeral.

Rhyno: Somebody better deliver the friggin’ eulogy or I’m going to friggin’ GORE THIS CASKET!

Truly, my dear brother
I loved you like no other,
You were the best,
Now you’re at rest,
I wish this was all a dream,
Your death was just,
2Xtreme.

Rhyno: *Sniff*…that was beautiful.

Rhyno gores the casket.

Matt: Ow.

The Wind: I am needed elsewhere.

Matt: Where’d Jeff go.

Molly: I should have tried out for the Diva Search.

Back in the dressing room….

Kane: Fine! Be that way. See if I care!

Kane storms out.

Edge: Uh….

Kane: You can’t see me!

Edge: Riiight…that doesn’t even work for Cena, you know. Kane, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t beat you down with this briefcase.

Kane: I’m not Kane! Kane is lumbering down that way. I’m…Kane’s…evil…brother?

Edge: Undertaker?

Kane: Yes! Only…I shaved my head and got fat!

Edge: And the tattoos?

Kane: This is a flesh colored body suit.

Edge: What were you doing in my locker room…”Taker”?

Kane: Oh, well…THIS IS MY YARD!

Edge: Kane, I’m going to….

The Voice of the Undertaker: Do you want to go to Wrestler Court, Edge? Bradshaw hasn’t had a good Wrestler Court in a while.

Edge: I’m sorry. Really sorry. Lita, honey, come on! Let’s go!

Kane: Thanks, bro.

The Voice of the Undertaker: That is the LAST time I bail you out of pretending to be me. Flesh colored body suit…damn.

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Carlito is out for the Cabana! Oh boy! Mai Tais for everybody!

Triple C: I’ve got to admit, guys, I was really psyched to find out that Eric Bischoff traded Tough Enough Jessie for the Cabana set. I mean, sure she cried a river of tears, but it was worth it I think. Now, I know this show already has a “Highlight Reel” but quite frankly, that show isn’t cool enough. And I’m cool. Right? I’m cool. Sure. It’s everybody else…anyway, uh…here’s the next Draft Pick, somebody who…I guess…is dead?

Oh, it’s GOTTA BE CHARLIE HAAS!

No…it’s…Rob Zombie?

Rob Van Dam: Duuuuuude…is it time for the ECW PPV, yet?

Carlito: Ah! Help! Stay away! This zombie is shuffling after me!

RVD: Dude, I’m not a zombie!

Carlito: You’re not?

RVD: No way.

Carlito: But at the end of Lance and Rob Are Friends (an incredible tale of heroism and daring-do)…off the cliff….

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Carlito: You died!
RVD: No way, dude. I can fly.

Carlito: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

RVD: Yeah. Nobody flies higher than RVD. I have a blue dragon that travels with me wherever I go. His name is “Mr. Periwinkle” and we have adventures. So, while we were falling, I summoned Mr. Periwinkle, and we flew all the way to India, where I learned the secrets of the maharajah, and saved an ancient village from destruction by an evil warlock. And then, we went to Germany, and we battled the Nazis, saving Luxembourg from an invasion by their pink elephant brigade. Then we traversed the frigid darkness of Siberia, where I had to gnaw my own leg off when it froze to the ground….

Carlito: That’s why you have the limp?

RVD: Duuude, probably! Anyway, when we got to the end of the journey, the whole universe was opened before us, and I saw the wonders of the galaxy. Now I know, whoever you are, I know why Cheetos leave an orange stain on your fingers, and I know, why they don’t make pizza with salsa instead of tomato sauce. It would blow a lesser man’s mind.

Carlito: So you didn’t just get sent to a hospital in a coma, and wake up and smoke some dope and imagine all this?

RVD: Maybe I did…but maybe I didn’t! So…where’s the ECW PPV, dude, nobody was more hardcore than Rob Van Dam!

Carlito: It was like…three weeks ago. The friggin’ DVD is out already.

RVD: Duuuuuude. Did I win my match?

Carlito: You weren’t on the PPV because you were dead. Or everybody thought you were dead.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Carlito: STAY DEAD!

Carlito kicks Rob’s leg that was possibly (or possibly not) gnawed off in the frigid darkness of Siberia, and Rob falls over in pain. Somewhere, the ghost of Lance Storm salutes his probably not (but maybe) fallen comrade.

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Tajiri
In a Cookie Bake-Off Challenge

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: It appears that the challenger is making some kind of oatmeal…raisin cookie. Yuck.

Fukui: Yuck. Nobody will eat that. Come on, Tajiri. You’ve got to represent! All kinds of those nutty Japanese people are cheering for you. And watching Hentai. What a weird culture.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I hesitate to point this out, but you, yourself, are Japanese.

Fukui: Right you are.

Ohta: Fukui-San!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Made you look! Hahahahaha…I’ve got nothing.

Hatori: Looks like the Iron Chef is making some kind of peanut butter chocolate chip. Mmm…makes you wish we could taste them, huh?

Fukui: Lay off the cookies, fatty.

Masters wins after nobody will even touch the…eck…oatmeal raisin. Afterwards, Masters makes an off-color joke and Tajiri spits milk in his face.

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I’m deeply disturbed by the lack of wrestling on this show. And it ain’t going to get any better from here, kids. Angle attempts to get the action started with a bunch of holds, but Flair blocks them all by lightly kissing the top of Angle’s head, flustering Angle. When Kurt tells him to stop it, Flair begs off. Angle goes in for the kill again, but Flair spits Metamucil Mist at him, and Angle takes a time out to go eat some prunes and sit on his porch yelling at Sylvain Grenier. Successfully having outwitted Angle, Flair struts and winks to the crowd. Oh, you sly old fox, you. Then he wanders off to find the taffy store.

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When we come back, Angle is pounding Flair’s head into the mat. He’s going to beat the senility out of him. Did Flair ever find that taffy store during the break? I want some taffy. Flair locks in the figure four, but unfortunately, it’s on WWE RAW Referee Earl Hebner. For what it’s worth, Earl taps out. Flair and Angle both go up top, then, realizing that neither of them could actually hit a move from there, they both fall off. Angle tries for the anklelock, but Flair, utilizing the same defense he did against Harley Race in Atlanta in 1977, reaches up and pulls Angle’s testicles off. Not knowing quite how to take this at first, Angle lies prone as Flair hits him with a barrage of long, meandering stories about the aforementioned match with Race. Flair got paid two nickels and a hand full of corn meal for that contest. And he LIKED it too, because that was when men in wrestling were REAL men, and the women weren’t on the show and were ugly as hell. Not like now with your Nintendo and “mobile phones” and your “Olympics”. Angle responds by tying his dangling testicles around Flair’s throat and choking him out. Angle wins. Then he drops them back into his tights and walks it off. Because that’s how Kurt Angle rolls when somebody tears off his balls.

Over On Smackdown: Hassan and Daivari learn that life is a lot harder when you not only have to deal with nonsensical promos, but also a cowboy who keeps asking you if you want to see his six shooter.

(ads)

DIVA SEARCH 2005~!

Christy Hemme and Coach flirt briefly, before Coach laughs and says that as soon as the new girl is hired, Christy is out of a job. Christy cries. Let’s introduce you to this year’s contestants though five fun facts:

Alexis: 
-Unfortunately not Alexis Laree.
-Possibly Gail Kim’s slutty cousin.
-Some kind of alien who drinks beer through her eyelids?
-Who brings a purse to the ring?
-Besides Kevin Nash

Kristal: 
-Named after a popular drink
-No, wait, that’s Cristal
-Spunky with short hair, like the black Molly Holly
-Was on “Price as Right” as “That Guy Climbing the Price Mountain”
-Could Play Linebacker

Ashley:
 -Has “family” in the business, whatever that means
-Maybe she’s a the daughter of a mob boss.
-Wears her baseball hat backwards to show “she doesn’t mind getting sun in her eyes!” What a rebel!
-Along with every other woman in America, has appeared in Stuff Magazine

Cameron: 
-Has appeared in three issues of Playboy
-Then again, so has Sable
-Doesn’t wear clothes
-Was once voted “Most Likely to be Involved in a Stupid Wrestling Contest” by her forward thinking high school class.
-They were talking about jello wrestling though.

Elisabeth: 
-Probably Dean Malenko in Drag
-The stubble gives it away
-Dean can really work those heels.
-The blonde wig is a nice touch
-Drinks the blood of a virgin every other full moon.

Leyla: 
-Possibly the stupidest name in the contest
-And that’s counting “Summer” and “Simona”
-Despite her “easy” sounding name, bitch is shut like a steel trap
-Seriously, I tried everything
-Ok, I’ve never met her

Simona: 
-Italian, which means that if she wins, she’s either going to reform the FBI with Nunzio or be pushed as a Arab-American.
-Has also appeared in Stuff Magazine
-I’m SHOCKED!
-Looks like she might be good to shoot out of a cannon, if the WWE were ever planning such a thing.

Summer: 
-Rejected names: Spring, November
-Appeared in “DialD” magazine, a periodical for dial enthusiasts.
-I’m a subscriber (you should see the 2005 calendar!)
-Loves to make puns on her own name ALMOST as much as Lawler
-Once ate an entire giraffe

Viscera comes out and humps The Other Announcer Guy. Oops. Sorry, Lillian. Then, before the Dance Party can get started…OMG AS IF THIS SEGMENT COULDN’T GET ANY BETTER, IT’S SERGEANT FRIGGING SLAUGHTER!

Sergeant Friggin’ Slaughter: Listen up, you maggots! If you want to be G.I. Joes, you better shape up, so I’ll see you at 0200 hours to run through the obstacle course. If you can survive that, Lady Jaye will do your hair. Until then, I just thought you should know, we went through your medical records and one of you is actually a guy in drag. Soldier, guys in drag are not cool.

Elisabeth: I had no idea!

Sgt. Slaughter: Well now you know.

Viscera: And knowing is half the battle, baby girl. I still love you though.

Crowd: GO JOE!

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Batista.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m with Batista, and Dave, I’ve got to ask you, you’re the World Champion. How do you pick yourself up after a terrible existence and make something of your forsaken life?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I enjoy games on my COMPUTER! Minesweeper is CHALLENGING!

Grisham: You mean to tell me that you’re never depressed about the fact that you’re the World Champion and CHRIS FRIGGIN’ MASTERS gets more face time than you?

Batista: I’m the World CHAMPION!

Grisham: Never mind. You were in Hell in Cell. How was that? Depressing?

Batista: That was FUN! I like trying different THINGS!

Grisham: So you don’t ever long for the sweet release of death?

Batista: Is that a kind of CAKE? I like CAKE!

Grisham: I’m sorry. I have to end this interview right now. My face is numb.

Batista: It does not get any better than THIS!

With that, Todd impales himself on a nearby RVD foam finger. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere, Tian, Jericho and Tomko fret about the mystery opponent.

Chris Jericho: Boy, I dunno, the silhouette looks kinda like…Rob Conway?

Chris Tian: I wouldn’t think so. It’s Michaels, right? It’s gotta be Jannetty.
Jericho: ‘Cept they want to WIN the match.

Tian: Judy Bagwell then?

Jericho: Ring of Honor. Maybe it’s, like, Nash or Hall or something.

Tian: Oh! Or Justin Credible!

Jericho: Don’t you dare even SAY that name again!

Tomko: ….

Tian: It better the hell NOT be The Rock. We are near L.A. though…hmmm….

Jericho: Rock is NOT going to come back to wrestle Tomko.

Tomko: ….

Tian: What do you WANT me to say? He’s right.

(ads)

Shawn Michaels and John Cena are in the ring. Shawn’s got the mic…WHO IS THE MYSTERY PARTNER?!

Shawn Michaels: Well, folks, this is it. The time when I announce the mystery partner. This is the greatest tag team partner a rapper and a guy wearing mirror chaps and some kind of half chain mail tank top could ever ask for. He’s a hulk of a man who wants ONE MORE MEANINGLESS TAG MATCH added to his repertoire. That’s right, the one…the only…Maven! Er…I mean…Hulk Hogan!!!

Hogan comes out and poses while Marty Jannetty shoots his TV. The crowd, for what it’s worth, seem drunk.

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Cena sits back in awe. It’s not every day you get to wrestle Chris Jericho. Oh wait. Yes it is. For what it’s worth, Hogan attempts to get Cena over by yelling, “I can’t see!” at random intervals throughout the match. Shawn tags in and I notice that he’s wearing crotchless mirror chaps tonight. Ok, I admit, that was really only for my lady fans, which I’m sure have increased to over one by this point! Anyway, Cena tags in, hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and tags back out, and then goes backstage to watch this amazing contest on a monitor where he’ll not only get a better view, but he’ll probably be more important. FINALLY a tag is made and we get the HOGAN v. TOMKO dream match that we’ve all been salivating over. Shawn Superkicks Christian to stop him from interfering in this amazing contest, and after an epic struggle, Hulk Hogan drops the leg and gets the pin. Best Hogan/Tomko match ever. I nearly cried. After the match, Hogan poses while Shawn Michaels prances around behind him, and Cena comes back out to make sure we know he’s too cool to hang out with these old people.

Next Week: With the draft over and all the Superstars on RAW, Stevie Richards leads a Heat Revolt over to Smackdown, where they all job to JBL! Rob Van Dam regales Hulk Hogan with the tale of an ECW PPV he just made up. Plus, John Cena and Batista meet…For coffee!

Now, Online Onslaught and MHE Productions in association with the RAW Satire Present a Special Sneak Peak of “John Cena and Batista Meet for Coffee.“

John Cena: YO Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: You have nice HANDS!

Cena: Thank you, man. See that’s what I mean. Real recognizes real right here.

Batista: I only wish you had been drafted SOONER!

Cena: You’re the only person who could ever understand me. The pressures of being a champion. They’re too much to bear sometimes, Dave.

Batista: I hope Big Show wins the Smackdown TITLE!

Cena: Dave, look at me. In the eyes. Real recognizes real.

Batista: You want to go FISHING?

Cena: Dave, I want you to hold me.

Batista: NO!

Finis