Happy Fourth of July!

Carlito is out and I guess it’s time for the Cabana. Ooooh, he’s going to have a huge guest tonight! Will it be Charlie Haas? Or perhaps Kenzo Suzuki? Man, Carlito’s music is awesome. Seriously, just TRY to avoid dancing to it. Carlito! Carlito! Carlito! Carlito!

Hulk Hogan wanders out, pretending to chop down an imaginary mountain, even though his theme music is “Real American” right now.

Hulk Hogan: You know something, brother? I don’t know where you got your sources, dude, but the copyright I’m infringing on isn’t The Thing, brother, it’s The Hulk, because I’m HUUUUULK HOGAN, DUDE! Whatchu gonna do?!
Carlito: Uh…spit this apple at you?
Hogan: I’ll no sell it from here to Thursday, brother.
Carlito: Thas not cool. Ok, this is about as good a time as any to segue into a commercial for your new show.

(ad…Oh…wait…this is part of the show.

Hogan’s Heroes: The Next Generation
On Today’s Episode: Brooke Gets a Date!

Nick Hogan: I can’t believe how pathetic my family is. I’m going to go in the basement and cry.
Brooke Hogan: Like, whateva, who are you chatting with?
Nick: My friend, Rob.
Rob Van Dam: It’s not even me, dude. It’s a whole ‘nother, Rob.
Nick: Shhh…Here’s some nachos. Go away.
RVD: Yeah! All right!!

RFVideo: a/s/l
TehBrookestar: OMG! 16/f/tampa
RFVideo: lol i’ll pretend u said 18!
TehBrookestar: OMG! i look 18. im like seven feet tall
RFVideo: mabey i’ll cum over to pick u up!
TehBrookestar: OMG! what’d my dad say? he’d prolly feed you to brain nobs!
RFVideo: brb, i forgot to sign rob off this comp!
RFVideo has logged off

TNAChampAJ has logged on.
TNAChampAJ: lol, i need to get a new s/n
TehBrookestar: descript yourself! if ima date u, i gots ta no wat u look lik!
TNAChampAJ: im short, kinda skinny…can’t talk worth a lick. errm…ive got an awesome hoodie!
TehBrookestar: u sound 2 good 2 be true!

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something, brother, ever since Brooke Hogan and me have been talking about you going on a date with her in front of a nation wide audience, millions and millions of Hulkamaniacs have been screaming from all the corners of the earth, dude, saying “Hulkster, rid us of this vile infection that threatens your daughter! So I laced up the red and yellow boots, climbed high up the hill of no return and hit Satan with a big boot and a leg drop, little man!”
AJ Styles: Uh…ok. Sir.
Brooke: Dad, this is that guy…I was telling you about? Like, he and I met online.
Hulk: Don’t go into that mumbo jumbo with me, Brookster. Little dude, how old are you?
Styles: 28, sir.
Hulk: TWE…Did you know that the Brookster was 16, dude?
Styles: I pretended she said 18.
Hulk: Oh yeah? Well…whatchu gonna do when these 24-inch pythons run wild on you?
Styles: Hey, look. I’m really just here to see if you wouldn’t help support a flailing wrestling company. I’ve brought these TNA cookies to sell. We’re doing a fund raiser to try to help pay off Spike TV to give us a TV deal. I thought maybe sleeping with your daughter was the best way to get an “in” on you buying cookies, you know?
Hulk: Put me down for some Samosa Joes.

Triple H: I’m the Game, baby! I’m that damn good…in BED! Do you wanna see my sledgehammer?
Brooke: Omigosh! Are you Scott Hall? You’re sooo hot!

Carlito: What the hell was that?
Hogan: Brother, even I don’t have a satisfactory answer for that.
Carlito: “Satisfactory”? When did you go to English school?
Hogan: I picked up some things on the set of the Rightguard Commercials. Dude.
Carlito: Your daughter is pretty hot though, I’ve gotta admit. You’re whoring her out for cash, so how much to stick my apple tree in her cherry bowl?

With that, Hogan is off. Punch Punch Punch. YOU! Uh-Oh, It’s Kurt Angle and he’s ALWAYS ready for the 4th of July! Angle takes Hogan down, but who’s there to make the save? Why it’s Shawn Michaels, who always remembers to say his prayers and prance to the rescue whenever a fellow Christian is in trouble (not Chris Tian though).

Kurt Angle: Man, first Michaels, then Flair, now Hogan? Can a brother buy a guy young enough to have an actual feud with? Where’s the love, WWE? Where’s MY reality show! It can be about me baking pies and having sex with other men’s wives while I get my neck scoped. It’ll be called Angle’s Angels and Tim Curry can guest star as my adorable brother, Eric, who’s always getting into trouble. It’s GOLD! JUST LIKE MY MEDALS!

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Todd Grisham is standing by with The Bischoffice Door.

Todd Grisham: Sigh. I’m SO far down the depth chart they have me interviewing a DOOR this week. Dammit. Why couldn’t I have gotten fired instead of that prick Loyd. Geez. Fine. Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with the Bischoffice Door, and Door, I’ve gotta ask you, what are your thoughts on the Hogan/Michaels/Angle/Carlito confrontation?

Bischoffice Door: …

Grisham: That’s it. I’m done.
Bischoffice Door: Between you and me? I could give a crap.
The Voice of the Undertaker: Hey! Doors don’t talk.
Bischoffice Door: Uhh…right. Sorry.
The Voice of the Undertaker: It’s cool. Don’t do it again.
Bischoffice Door: You got i….
The Voice of the Undertaker: Ah ah ah AH!
Bischoffice Door: …
The Voice of the Undertaker: Better!

I can’t quite read Lita’s shirt, but I think it says something about her having sex with the whole country of Japan. You know, I think I saw one of those videos online one time. It was called Bukkrazy Go Nuts Vol 8. Err…I mean. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Kane decides to chase Lita around to some Benny Hill music to start. Be warned, save this on your Tivo or Recording device (or assuming you had some place you’d rather be, your favorite Bit Torrent Client) because when they release this match on the “Best of Abe Orton” DVD, they’ll replace it with some cheap Benny Hill knock-off. Wait…are there cheap Benny Hill knock-offs?

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Edge and Orton are double teaming Big Show when we get back. Not like that though. Sickos. Just as things are starting to look their bleakest for our seven foot tall mountain of fat, Show suddenly decides that he was better off on Smackdown and leaves to complain about it to Vince. With Show out of the way, Kane is free to throw Edge into the crowd, chokeslam Orton and take up cuisinart. Kane wins! After the match, Big Show comes back out so that he and Kane can rub each other’s heads for good luck.

Todd Grisham is back with the Bischoffice Door.

Todd Grisham: They SAID you were talking. Talk! Why won’t you talk to me you stupid fricking door! TALK!

Bischoffice Door: ….

The door opens and slams into Todd, knocking him out of the way.

Shawn Michaels: Was that guy just talking to a door? What a weirdo. I just got out of the Bischoffice here, where I whined and moaned, faked an injury, cried, shared a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, drank, cajoled, slept, slapped, and almost lost my smile before Bischoff gave me my match. Anyway, tonight, as per the other segment it’ll be me and Hulk Hogan taking on Kurt Angle and that other guy whose name I haven’t quite learned yet.

Bischoffice Door: Psst…Carlito.

HBK: Eh. Nobody cares. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go run through a couple of practice prances.

(ads)

The Heart Throbs hump Lillian to start. It doesn’t work though, as Lillian’s Tears O’ Much Grief cause them to slide right off her. So sad, Lillian. Viscera won’t eat you anymore. It’s not Viscera’s pajama-laden ring attire that bugs me, so much as what he clearly has on underneath it, which is his King Mabel singlet. C’mon Vis, baby, bring him back. In fact, hell, bring back ALL of Men on a Mission, and let’s feud with Cena. Can’t be anything worse than anything else you’ve got planned. Anyway, the match FINALLY ends, when The Heart Throbs, disturbed by the lack of tag team wrestling, hit Viscera with a copy of the Road Warriors DVD. Available now at retailers across the world.

The Ladies of DIVA SEARCH 2005~! are in line to use the ladies room, but unfortunately, Chris Jericho is taking FOREVER! Remember to wipe the seat off when you’re done, Chris.

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Of course, if the Hearth Throbs REALLY loved Lillian, they would kidnap her, threaten to eat ham at her, and then eat her.

Maria Tennyson Lund is backstage. What’s up, lil’ lady?

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m with Eric Bischoff who is here to tell me about what my sources tell me was the biggest trade in WWE history. Eric? Tell me about the biggest trade in WWE history.
Chavo Guerrero: Actually, sweetie, I’m not Eric Bischoff. I’m Chavo Guerrero. But I shaved my head, so I can see where you’d get us confused.
Maria: Oops. My bad.
Chavo: Unfortunately, with Eddie/Rey and The Mexicools, the WWE is up to its eyeballs in Hispanics, and that doesn’t sit too well with Mr. McMahon. This means that I had to come up with a new gimmick and fast, or else I’d get fired! So after I got rid of Lieutenant Loco and Amway Dan, I was left with but one gimmick that will certainly take the WWE by storm, and also uphold the Guerrero family tradition.

Chavo puts on a chicken head.

Chavo: Gay Gobbledygooker.
Maria: The sweater is a nice touch.
Chavo: Thanks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go practice my chicken dance. You look like a goat tonight, by the way.

Maria breaks into tears. Poor Maria. Elsewhere, The Hurricane, Suga Rosey and Wonder Whore are lighting themselves on fire and roasting marshmallows on their scorched flesh. Man, that’s how my family used to spend EVERY Fourth of July. That is until we all got sick of marshmallows. Now we just stick fireworks under my aunt’s chair and light them off, just to see her jump. Also we shoot bottle rockets at the neighbors. Back to Maria, who is still in tears.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Sniff. I don’t think I’ll ever feel any better!
John Cena: YO Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO YO!
Maria: John Ce-
Cena: YO!
Maria: J-
Cena: YO!
Maria: John Cena.
Cena:

Yo, don’t mind what he said,
Don’t throw any fits,
Everybody loves Maria,
Just look at her tits!
He thinks you look like a goat
I say you look like a dear!
One thing you should know,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

(ads)

It’s time for the Highlight Reel! Man, I hope they break out the Piper’s Pit and the Barbershop tonight too. Why not? What’s Brother Love up to? Or Mike Awesome? You KNOW he’s got nothing better to do. Tonight’s guest? John Cena. Who was just the guest a few weeks ago, but…you know…whatever.

Chris Jericho: Get it out of your system.
John Cena: Yo Yo Yo YO Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! YO!
Jericho: John, if you had a reality TV show, what would it be about?
Cena: Man, it would be about real recognizing real, you know? Like me and my boy Tha Trademarc, givin’ little suburban white kids total Thuganomics makeovers. They’d be so blinged out, you can’t see them! YOU CAN’T SEE THEM!
Jericho: Mine would be about my assent to huge rock star status. Er…and probably something to do with wrestling. Like, “Oh, I also wrestle occasionally. Mostly, I lose to Triple H or the midcard flavor of the month.” Wait, didn’t you already have your own reality show? Back when you were in UPW as The Prototype?
Cena: I was also in Manhunt.
Jericho: I’m sure you’re very proud of that.
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Jericho: Did you know I was the first ever Undisputed champion?
Cena: That was years ago, dawg, and you haven’t even come close to being in the title hunt again. I mean, how sad is that? I was in OVW a couple years ago, and I’m ALREADY higher on the card than you.
Jericho: Sigh. Why don’t you just do a rap?
Cena:

I’m the WWE Champ,
And what fules I ruck,
Y2J is really lame now,
You should be Y2Sucks!
I’m at the top of the charts
What are those chants I hear?
“Cena Cena” everybody knows,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Jericho, offended that Cena would come up with such a crappy insult, slaps him. Cena responds by putting his forefinger and thumb on his forehead in such a way to create the shape of an “L”. Exasperated, Jericho bails.

(ads)

The Event:

-Spell “Doggie”

-Run to the ring, Put ass in pie

-15 Minute Pedicure Break

-Eat one (1) M&M without throwing it back up

-Say one nice (factual) thing about Warren G. Harding

-Sprint to the finish line

-The Fastest Diva to finish will win immunity from tonight’s vote, the rest of you are going to Tribal council, where you will eat the loser.

-Just kidding, Viscera gets to eat the losers. It’s in his contract.

-Don’t worry though, once you come out, you’ll get a contract to sit backstage at Smackdown and have “Guess the Diva” contests with Candice Michelle.

Actually, the competition is much tighter this year with all the Divas trying to win to avoid going to Smackdown where Randy Orton will hit on them and then take a dump in their bags. This’ll be a close one! Strangely with no sense of irony: JR admitting to hating reality TV but loving this segment.

Jonathan Coachman: I’m totally voting for him now that I know he’s in it. Not only does Coach finish the course, but he composes a song, on the spot, about Warren G. Harding’s wallpaper fetish, spells doggie in thirteen languages (including C++ and Sanskrit) and eats an entire bag full of M&Ms. He winds up with a time of 14:44, which Christy calls, “about right.”

Ashley: After failing to spell doggie on four attempts, Coach sent her on her way, unfortunately, she ended up eating the pie, getting bloated, and not finishing. Christy Hemme, perhaps a little too enthusiastically deems the attempt “inspiring.”

Leyla: Much to everyone’s surprise, she breezes through the spelling, ass-pieing, pedicuring, and M&M eating portion of the contest, but at the very mention of Warren G. Harding, she takes off her top and humps the Sarge. Well…Whatever. Christy informs us that she “obviously loves her country! USA!”

Summer: Falls over attempting to spell “doggie”. Orton wins. Christy notes that she likes the “fire in Summer’s eyes.”

Kristal: Does not move at all. When the clock hits five minutes, Coach asks her why she hasn’t moved, and Kirstal informs him that she doesn’t feel compelled to. When the Sarge barks out, “Kristal, come on down!” however, she runs screaming through the course finishing in a record time of 43:11. Her Warren G. Harding fact, by the way, was that he was actually, despite evidence to the contrary, the country’s first black president. Christy states that Kristal’s time will be, “hard to eat.”

Elisabeth: Puts Sarge into the Texas Cloverleaf until Sarge taps out and completes the tasks for her. After recording a time of 8:10, she goes back to the line to shave her stubble and take off her lifts. Christy observes, “You don’t need breasts to win this contest, it seems!”

Simona: After being ignored for her whole time on the stage, Simona, the oldest contestant in this year’s Diva Search is shot out of a Fourth of July cannon. When she recovers, she finishes in 50:49. Christy says, “One more win…for the good guys.”

Cameron: Despite her status as the DIVA SEARCH 2005 contestant to appear in Playboy the most amount of times (3), hanging around Hef has made her slothful and lazy. In a hazy attempt to remember how to eat, she stuffs the M&M up her nose, and it has to be surgically removed by WWE staff physicians. They assure her that this kind of thing happens all the time with Orton. Incidentally, she never finishes. Christy bemoans, “What’s with lack of wrestling on this show?”

Alexis: Being the only Asian in DIVA SEARCH 2005 weighs heavily on the mind of poor Alexis as she gingerly makes her way through the contest. Unfortunately, when she gets the Warren G. Harding portion of the contest, Tajiri comes out and kicks her in the face for giving them a bad name. When she wakes up, she says that Harding was best known for his collection of Chicken Bookmarks, which are currently on display at the White House, but everybody knows, Harding was afraid of chickens and only used Goose or Duckling bookmarks. Sorry, Alexis. Christy sighs, “I like duckies!”

Elisabeth wins. To celebrate, she puts Coach in an armbar.

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If they’re ever make another Dudley Do-right movie or better yet, Wacky Races, Dupree MUST play Snidely whiplash. Val is just thrilled to be out here tonight. Dupree spends a few minutes talking about how he’s sad to leave Velocity, but he really feels that here on RAW is where his talents will shine. Well…Heat anyway. They wrestle for a few minutes while I ponder my Wacky Races idea. Maybe it shouldn’t be live action. But they definitely need to bring that back. That show was awesome. Dupree wins when he catches Val napping and just drapes an arm over him so as not to wake him up. DO THE DANCE! COME ON! DO IT! Dammit. It’s just not the same.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Angle and Carlito.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Kurt Angle and Carlito, and guys, do you know what it’s like to be ostracized and hated by your peers like me?
Kurt Angle: is this one of them “rhetorical questions?” Of course I wouldn’t know. Even if I had to go through your exact same set of circumstances, which I haven’t, I would have handled and thought about them entirely differently from you. One man cannot dare to perceive another’s set of life events, except possibly peripherally, and even then, you’re opening up a whole ‘nother bag of worms.
Triple C: Posing a question without a true, acknowledgeable answer? Thas not cool.
d I are going to put on a grade a fireworks display in that ring tonight, and Hulk Hogan? If you dare disrespect me again? I’m going to have sex with your daughter.
Carlito: Me too. Now that? Thas cool!

Carlito goes to take a bite out of his apple, but Todd grabs it away from him and begins to devour it.

Carlito: What the hell are you doing?
Grisham: It’s poisoned right? Right? I’m going to die after I eat this, and touch the sweet release of the River Styx?
Carlito: First of all, no. I only did that once, and to Big Show. Secondly, the River Styx is a myth, man. I think you’re mixing mythologies there, Todd.

Todd Grisham chokes on a piece of the apple and dies. Todd Grisham has fallen.

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I notice, mid-prance a that Shawn has gotten his battle mail out for tonight. Uh-oh, somebody’s preparing for a fight. The crowd goes nuts for Hogan, because if they’re nice, maybe they’ll get to have sex with his daughter. Or get their own reality show. Or something. Maybe it IS just nostalgia. I mean it HAS been a week since we saw him in action last. Note how they conveniently trimmed Cena out of this week’s line-up. Your time in the sun is over, brother. Hogan tosses Carlito and Angle while HBK plays with a Sparkler. This is as good a spot as any for some…

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Shawn is in the ring, because really, when you want a guy selling for Carlito, why not have it be the one who is on the active roster? For his part, Hogan claps and tries not too look really old. Well…The clapping went well anyway. Michaels jumps to make the tag, and Hogan is a rickety shanty afire. Big Boot to Carlito, Toss to Angle, There’s the LEG DROP OF DOOM~! OMG~! That’s enough to get the three! Hogan should challenge for the I.C. title. I mean it’s not like Donny Basham is going to be up here after it. Go for the gold Hulkster! Hogan wants to pose after the match, but Shawn is too hurt from all those restholds Angle was throwing at him…

OR WAS HE?!

As soon as Hogan reaches the point where he tries to find out which side of the crowd is drunkest, Shawn unloads a SUPERKICK TO JESUS…I MEAN HOGAN~! The crowd can’t believe it as Shawn stands over Hogan’s prone body and does the crotch chop. Then he knees down, staring deep into the craters of Hogan’s face, and whispers (not Whyspers, though, there’s only one of her)….

“Why don’t we ever do MY pose?”

Next Week: Triple H returns from hiatus and asks Flair, “Who the hell are all these guys?” Batista prank calls the set. “Do you have Albert in a CAN? Maybe you should fire HIM!” Also, Shawn Michaels explains his actions through pictures in the most hilarious and star packed edition of Win, Lose, or Draw ever!

In Cameron, North Carolina…..

Matt Hardy: What the hell was that, anyway? They never mentioned me once. Not even indirectly.
Molly Holly: So who is your girlfriend?
Matt: That’s not important. What IS important is my outrage at the fact that Lita was on RAW and they didn’t even hint about poor Matt Hardy.
Molly: Give it up!
The Wind:

This is just the Wind
Passing by,
To give you news,
Surprise!
I’m high on life
Imagi that!
Jeff Hardy is but
A dream!
The Wind, however is,
2Xtreme!

Molly: The Wind can pay for his part of the pizza.
The Wind: Alas, that part of the pizza is ordered to Jeffery Hardy. The Wind does not believe in such abstracts as “money.”
Molly: Well, “The Wind” can tell Jeff that his pizza is here. Otherwise we’re giving his piece to Rhyno.
Rhyno: FRIGGIN’ YES! I LOVE PIZZA!
Jeff Hardy: Woah. By Imagi, where have I been? Ah! Sustenance! Here’s a ten. Keep the change. I’m making a fortune off all those TNA shows I haven’t been to.
Rhyno: Damn!
Marc Loyd: Can I crash here for a while?
Matt: Who the hell are you?
Loyd: Marc Loyd. I was an announcer. I did PPV Previews and Bottom Line.
Molly: I thought that was Todd Grisham.
Loyd: I WISH I was Todd Grisham. He can afford shirts that fit.
Matt: I dunno. You sound pretty lame to me. Rhyno? What do you think?
Rhyno: What do I think? What do I think?! I’ll tell you what I friggin’ THINK!

Rhyno gores Loyd across the yard.

Molly: Somebody pass the cheese. That one’s mine.