Hey, hey! It’s Carlito out to host the Cabana. How lucky are we? I wonder if he’s out there to defend his title against the hammock? They should have some random midcarder out there sleeping in it every week. Anyway, Carlito says that his guest this week will be none other than

Triple C: Interrupting my segment? Das not cool! And I know cool. Because…I’m cool.
Chris Jericho: Shut up, man. You don’t even have a CD or anything for me to make fun of. All you have is the Intercontinental Title, and if anybody should know how little that means, it’s me. Man, I’m going to feud with you over that thing after I job out to Cena, aren’t I?
Carlito: Pretty much.
Jericho: Dammit. I thought maybe I could get out of this dead-end midcard for once. Now that Hunter’s gone, I was supposed to be made in the shade!
Carlito: Well…sucks to be you. Anway, I’m going to have Shawn Michaels come out and totally tell people what happened because it turns out nobody watched last week’s show. Including me. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing out here. Want an apple?
Jericho: Nah. I’m a fatty.
Carlito: Yeah.
Jericho: I’ve got a great idea! Let’s insult each other’s physique to make others on RAW more impressive! Or better yet, let’s get some of those cardboardy Xs out here so we can have a Highlight Reel!
Carlito: Do you ever get tired of having the “Y2J” moniker? It seems like you should probably update to something a little more recent. Like…Jericho2k1 or something.
Jericho: Shut up. I’m Canadian. With the exchange rate, it’s actually, like, 1985 up there, man. I’ll be cool for another fifteen years.
Carlito: I thought you were from New York?
Jericho: There’s an interesting story about that, you see….

Here’s Rowdy Roddy Piper. Sure. Why not? Let’s get Brother Love out there too! C’mon! And Beefcake! Make it happen!

Carlito: What the hell are you doing out here?
Rowdy Roddy Piper: Man, I’m out here because I need the money! Plus, I’ve got nothing better to do. I’m going to show you how A REAL talk show segment goes down!
Jericho: Does it involve something called “the Sickness” and rambling old men?
Piper: Does it…of course it involves the Sickness and rambling old men! You see because I’m going to take on Shawn Michaels one on one in Piper’s Pit!
Carlito: They really needed to drag you out of mothballs for this one, didn’t they?
Piper: Let me tell you something! In my day, in my day, we used to wrestle bears with their heads wrapped in watermelon and their claws lined with saw blades and they used to have another bear with iron teeth strapped to their back and the only way you could win a match was if you did enough drugs or drank enough booze to make the bear go away, and let me tell you something, let me tell you something, Misters Jericho and Cabana, I earned every last ounce of coke I did, bears or no bears! And what did I get for it? Did I ever get a world title? NO! Did I ever get to sleep with Stephanie McMahon?! Only that once! So before you go off hosting interview segments, ask yourself this! If I’m hosting this interview segment, will I ever win the world title? Or will I spend the rest of my life wrestling drug induced hallucinations of bears? Is that the life you really want? You end up a shell of a broken man, with two fake hips and greasy hair yelling at people working for a company you hate while you wear a skirt because Lord knows you can never seem to find your pants? IS THAT THE LIVE YOU WANT TO LEAD?!
Carlito: You know what, Chris? Thas not cool.
Jericho: Oh come on. You don’t think I didn’t already know that? I’ve been here for five years and things aren’t exactly looking any better for me. But it’s cool. At least I get to make fun of old people. Nice Jacket there, ass pants. See? That was fun. Plus, I was Undisputed champion, which is one better than you anyway.
Piper: I’m here to wear pants and do interviews, and I’m all out of pants!

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The WWE was in Japan recently. The Japanese fans love the WWE and hope Tajiri gets a big push. Hahahahahaha… yeah… hahahahaha….

Whew. Heh heh heh. How about settling for hoping he doesn’t get released?

Tajiri v. Iron Chef Chris Masters
In a Fruit Roll-Up Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!
Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: What’d you suppose the odds are that Tajiri gets released in the middle of the match?
Fukui: I’ve got myself down for about twenty bucks!
Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’m in the pot for $400. Daddy needs a new Playstation 3!
Ohta: Fukui-san!
Fukui: Go ahead.
Ohta: My mom never gave me fruit roll-ups in elementary school. She made me eat pumpernickel sandwiches or breadtangle pizza. She told me it was because the sugar was no good for me, but I always suspected it was because she didn’t love me. So I lashed out. I beat up other kids and stole their fruit roll-ups. I didn’t even like them, but it made me feel like a better man. I’ve carried that secret around with me for as long as I can remember.
Hatori: Haha. Yeah. I used to beat people up too. Then I would throw their shoes in the ocean.
Fukui: You never beat anybody up, fatty.
Hatori: I’m fixing to beat you up here in a second if you don’t shut up!
Fukui: Do we even say “fixing to” in Japan? Really? And isn’t that more of a J.R. catchphrase? I’m the play-by-play guy, so I’m J.R. Ohta is Lawler, because all he can do is shout his one catchphrase and then offer some insipid comment about the chef’s underwear or something, and you…you’re Coach, man. Like…You have nothing of value to offer, but we truck you out every week with our fingers crossed.
Ohta: Fukui-san!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: The match has been over for about twenty minutes now. The Iron Chef won with a roll-up. How ironic. Or not. Whatever. Masters won, ok?
Fukui: And Tajiri?
Ohta: Still gainfully employed.
Fukui: Damn.
Hatori: Noooo! My world is crashing down around me!

Backstage, Shawn Michaels steals Gangrel’s shirt from wardrobe and prances off. Thou Shalt Not Steal, Shawn!

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Edge and Lita are backstage. They are joined shortly by Abe Orton.

Abe Orton: Whatchu guys doin’?
Edge: We were just talking about how absolutely nutting crazy Matt Hardy has gone.
Lita: Calling me, of all people, a whore? What the hell is that?
Orton: So, you think he’s going to be here tonight?
Edge: What? No. No…No. No. No!
Lita: Abe, we’re stuck in a rut. We’ve been feuding with Kane for something like, eight years now, and we’re getting a little tired of it. Would you mind, terribly, trying to kill him tonight?
Edge: We don’t have much to offer since I’ve blown our life savings on briefcase cleaner and getting married, apparently, but we will let you make out with Lita’s jaw, if you’d like.
Orton: Oh…man! How did you guys know I had a big huge jaw fetish. Man, my time with Chyna porn is over, baby, it’s time to graduate to the big leagues! Can…Can I caress your jaw, Lita?
Lita: No, but you can watch as I eat these fruit roll-ups.
Orton: Ohhh what a rush!
Edge: So, you’ll do it?
Lita: I think he passed out. He’s kinda twitching though. Huge jaw fetishes? Some people.
Edge: This from the girl who loves to hump wall paper?
Lita: What can I say? Wallpaper is hot.
Edge: Wallpaper fetishes. Some people.
Lita: This from the guy who…has…sex…with me? You’re…What I’m trying to get at is that you’re gross and a sexual deviant.
Edge: Also, when I’m with you, I picture you with no mouth. I have a no mouth fetish.
Lita: Geez, that must be a hard one to come to grips with.
Edge: God bless the internet.

Tired of rampant sexual taboo and gross mating habits? Enjoy this picture of Triple H’s bloody forehead for a few minutes. He died for our sins. Car crashes are no problem for the mighty Triple H, but as soon as Dave introduced that barbed wire-covered Speak and Spell, I knew Hunter’s days were numbered. The Dave Says…”I win the MATCH!”

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Shelton Benjamin v. Carlito Caribbean Cool
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Shelton who? The guy looks kinda familiar. I wonder, for a few minutes, if Carlito will have any trouble stopping this jobber, before I realize that there ain’t no stopping’ him…NAH! Ah. Nice to see you again, whatever your name is. Carlito takes decisive control, but pauses because he doesn’t remember what his finisher is. I dunno. Make something up! Use…Orlando Jordan’s or something. Err...damn. Ok, Plan B, slide out of the ring and let’s regroup.

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Carlito has a chinlock locked in. Man, I’m not sure about that. It’s a little…lame to be a finisher, don’t you think? Shelton fires back with some punches or something as I’m quickly losing interest in this match and gaining interest in the Home Run Derby. That guy from Latvia is really knocking them out of the park. You know what would be great? If the guy who wins it, instead of a batting helmet, got to wear a really hard, round hat. It can be his Home Run Derby. Oh, Carlito found a finisher. Getting Counted Out. Carlito wins. Or he doesn’t. But he’s still a winner at the game of life. He had the most kids to sell.

John Cena and Eric Bischoff are having an argument, but we can’t hear them because Abe Orton is leaning on the camera and moaning. I’m sure it went down something like this:

John Cena: Yoyo yo yo yo yo yo yoyo yo yoyo yo yo! YO! YO!
Eric Bischoff: John, this is serious.
John Cena: YO!
Bischoff: John, we lost the Jade Monkey.
John Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

What’s with all the artsy direction tonight? Is John Woo directing RAW?

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John Cena is on his way to the ring as doves fly up from their perches behind him. He’s got a mic, and I bet you can’t guess what he says next?

John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! YO! YO! THE CHAMP IS HERE! How you all doin’ tonight? Is real recognizing real or what? Make a little NOISE! I said make a little NOISE!
Crowd: Ribbit?
Cena: What?
Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?
Sean Cold Val Venis: What?
Crowd: “Ribbit” is a noise.
Cena: A’ight. Cool. Cool. Here’s a little rap I made up!
Crowd: Ugh.
Stone Cold: Just indulge him. He’s expressing himself through his art.
Cena:

Yo! Hey there Y2J
People should call you Y2Gay
You ain’t nothin’ but a hater,
Your dad was a poor ice skater,
I look at life, these are the facts,
Everybody loves my wise cracks!
I’m like Dennis the Menace,
But I’m twice as hard!
Chris Jericho is nothing,
He’s just some retard!
That’s no diss on Eugene,
This is the truth,
He can’t see me,
Because he’s the caboose!
So clap your hands
Get ready to cheer,
You can’t see me!
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Stone Cold: Ok, now you can boo. That was awful.
Eric Bischoff: Cena, stop wasting everybody’s time. We’ve got a show to run here and we’ve gotta try to squeeze in a couple more matches and the Diva Search, and, I’m going to regret this, but the whole Piper thing. The show just doesn’t have any room for you to come out here and read your rejected Halmark Card ideas. So, if you’ll kindly shuffle on back to the backstage area, I’m sure you can enjoy some water from catering. Or perhaps some chicken. You like chicken, don’t you John?
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Bischoff: Yes. We’ve established that. Now, what I’d really like, and I think that it will give us both great pleasure, is for the champ to be backstage.
Cena: You can’t see me.
Bischoff: All right. Uh…how do I put this?

Here’s Chris Jericho to try to diffuse the situation.

Chris Jericho: John? Hey, there buddy. Wanna come backstage with Chris? Huh? You can read all the poems you want to my buddy Val Venis. He doesn’t have anything better to do.
Sean Cold Val Venis: Actually, I’m moonlighting as a terrorist right now. The hours are crappy, but I can’t resist. Think about it, Arabian Knight: Val Venis and the Tail of the Seven Virgins sounds like a great movie, am I right?
Jericho: So long as you guys don’t punk out Paul London, I think you’re probably fine.
Cena: Come on, Chris. Real recognizes real. Don’t stand over there in Cheapville with your cheap jacket and your cheap shirt trying to be cheap while you’re hoarding all the cheap sauce and dipping the cheap cookies in it at your cheap apartment, Cheap Jericheap!
Jericho: All right. You’ve done it. You’ve completely befuddled me. Honestly, I have no earthly idea what to say or do right now.
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!
Bischoff: Get the hell out of the ring!
Cena: And into your car? Do you want to get Dirrty, Eric? If you want some? COME GET SOME!
Bischoff: I’m sure you have more diseases than Christina Aguilera.
Jericho: Hey, John. Let’s have a match. At Summerslam. Kay? It’s not like we have anything better to do. We’ll headline a whole PPV together. It’ll be loads of fun.
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Cena FUs Bischoff. Somebody play his music!

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DIVA SEARCH 2005~!

Alexis was voted off this week. Poor Alexis. See you on Smackdown next month. Tonight’s competition is all about…talent? Is that code for tits. Pleeeeeease let that be a code for tits. Wait…was Alexis really Nitro Grrl Chae in disguise?

Ashley: Her talent is “wrestling.” Well, that puts HER straight out now, doesn’t it? To demonstrate this, she locks Christy Hemme in a Full Nelson and breaks Christy’s knee. Backstage, somebody restrains Vince from hiring her on the spot. Christy cries, “Ow. That hurt!”

Leyla: Leyla says she has a sexy dance to perform, but she needs a partner: Earl Hebner. Poor Ol’ Earl’s never been so excited. He jogs out to the ring and slides in, but when he gets to Leyla, she kicks him in the balls and puts him in the sharpshooter, while she screams, “This is for Bret, dammit! This is for Bret!” Christy giggles, “Who’s Bret? Your booooooyfriend? I bet he‘s cute.”

Summer: In an attempt to prove that last week’s tumble was just a fluke, Summer’s talent will be not falling over. So she stands very still, concentrating very hard on remaining perfectly upright. Unfortunately, she is distracted by a cotton candy salesman, and loses her focus, falling to the mat. Orton really has it out for this girl. She ends up doing the splits, which looks very painful. Christy muses, “Very Michelle McCool.”

Kristal: Her talent is turning into a Smurf, which, I really have to say, is pretty god dam impressive. The only thing is, the only Smurf she can turn into is Brainy, and I friggin’ hate Brainy Smurf. Also, the fact that he’s a male, confuses and frightens me away from any kind of sexual feeling towards her. She also demonstrates her ability to point at key features of a armoire, which would have been awesome back in December fro Armoireg Gettin’ but not so much now. Christy coughs, “Smurfs are, like, sooo 80s.”

Elisabeth: Her talent is “Talking in a gravely voice.” When Christy tries to tell her that that’s not a *real* talent, Elisabeth takes her down and makes her tap to the Cloverleaf. When Christy makes the ropes, however, Elisabeth handcuffs her to the middle rope and kicks her in the face. Then she gets back in line. Christy gurgles, “Can I have some gauze?”

Simona: When her turn comes, Simona immediately draws her +1 Shortsword of Impaling Annoying Bald Announcers. However, Coach makes his dexterity roll and dodges. When she comes back around, Coach is prepared as he is wearing his Yellow Shirt of Extreme Sexual Frustration (+1/+2 v. Impaling Instruments, -2 Charisma). Exhausted, Simona is shot from a cannon. Christy shrieks, “I beat The Swordmaster of Melee Island and all I got was this stupid T-Shirt.”

Cameron: Her talent is “Chair Dancing.” She sits Christy up on a chair and begins to dance. She is waylaid from behind by WWE Chair Man La Parka, who finishes her dance. Christy cooes, “I’m going to pour one for me, and one for my homiez!”

Vote for one! Me? I’m voting for La Parka!

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Striker v. Kurt Angle
In a Kurt Angle Invitational Match

If you’re not familiar with the “Kurt Angle Invitational” it’s where Kurt defends his gold medals against a local wrestler every week. It’s great for the Ring of Honor guys. Of course, it used to be that he’d just wrestle Chilly Willy every night, but then he got fired, or sent to Iraq or something. You know these guys only want to fight for the medals because they’ve touched Benoit’s balls, right? Just making sure we’re on the same page. Striker, by the way, is a former school teacher who requested sick leave so that he could become a cop battle against the forces of evil in a Shao Lin Tournament. Unfortunately, he had his spine ripped out by Sub-Zero in the third round. He never would have made it past Kung Lao anyway. Now that he’s returned home, he finds himself fired and cast out from normal society. Hey! The guy fought to save our homes from the forces of Shao Khan and his Neatherrealm soldiers, show him some respect why don’t you. Geez. Angle pulls off Striker’s leg, and then sets him on fire. Kurt Angle wins. Fatality.

(Kurt Angle’s Hot Wings Fatality: Down, Down, Up, High Punch, Low Punch, High Kick, High Kick, Down, Away, Towards, Low Kick)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge, but before he can say anything, he’s beheaded by Baraka. Edge and Lita nearly have enough time to be afraid before they are attacked by the Angelic Diablo. Who was that masked man?

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Coming soon? BoogieMan. Look, it’s either an awesome wrestler who is like the perfect lovechild of Berserker and Mantaur or it’s Kane’s WWE Films Movie. Frankly, I hope it’s the wrestler, because his magic power is making people slap other people. That’s pretty cool. Then again, I’ve always said that Hollywood needs more Kane. And yes, unfortunately, the title is no longer the unbelievably awesome Eye Scream Man. Sigh.

Slow night tonight, eh? I wonder where Big Show is. Probably eating a mountain of butter. That’s a pretty safe guess, I think. Edge and Kane fight for about twenty seven seconds, before Kane decides to bail out and attack Lita. Abe comes out to protect her precious jaw, but that’s ALL trumped when Matt Hardy jumps the railing and attacks Edge. Everybody bails, and Matt has a mic.

Matt Hardy: That’s for making me more popular than ever, Adam and Whorulan! I hate the WWE! I hate getting paid! I hate that my only friends are fat chicks and whinos! Er…I mean fat chicks and Rhino. So, I’ll see you all in Ring of Honor!

At this point, Security led by Johnny Ace comes roaring out and takes Matt into custody.

Hardy: Hahaha! You’ll never stop Matt Hardy! You hear that, Ace? You’ll never stop the Matt Hardy Show! Hahahaha! I’m going to talk about you on my message board, Ace! The forums will light up with fatties! Big Pimpin’ Alex will be there! I can stop a Tornado, Ace! I can dry up a sea! Yeah! The Night Arrives! Tits N Ass! Totally Not Angle! Towards North America!

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Roddy Piper shambles towards the ring. So…nice weather, huh? Oh, except for y’all down South. Sorry. Uh…

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Man, Piper takes FOREVER. Hey, he gets his own “WWE Legend” chyron. I want one of those. I’m totally a WWE Legend. Piper calls Shawn out, but Shawn doesn’t prance. Instead he enters through the floor in a ring of fire, and he has a chalice, and after he has given thanks, he spits the blood of Christ to the people. Hold on, let me get my Undertaker Communion wafers. Damn. Too late. Piper has a mic.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Don’t you get it, Shawn? The Sickness. It’s getting to you. You broke your back. For what? You did all those drugs and had all that sex. For what? You were friends with X-Pac and Kevin Nash! For what? Now you’re turning heel? Doesn’t that go against everything you believe? For what, Shawn? The Sickness has taken over your body!
Shawn Michaels: You know…I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past few hours. The question as to why I Super Kicked Hulk Hogan last week. Was it really because I wanted him to do my pose? Was it because I thought Brooke looked better in Mirror Chaps than me? Was it because we were gay lovers or perhaps Nick is my son, which would explain why he’s such a primadonna? Or maybe it was because I wanted to help the fans realize their dream of getting sick of friggin’ Hogan matches already, and give them the opportunity to chant, “No more Matches, we’re fine, thanks” in arenas across the country? Or maybe, just maybe, I wanted a chance to cut a rambling promo that has no significance whatsoever in the ring with a guy who main evented a Wrestlemania with Mr. T. I dunno. What I do know, is that I can still prance with the best of them, but I don’t have to. Not anymore. Not now that I bought Gangrel’s gimmick. Oh yeah. Vampire Shawn is in the house! Maybe I just wanted to prove to the world that mortality, and immortality have a price.
Ted Dibiase: Hahahahaha! I knew I could count on you, Shawn!
Piper: Why? Why sell out to the Million Dollar Man, Shawn? Why?
HBK: Because this is the angle I’ve been dying to do since, like, 1990. Man, this is awesome.
Piper: What the hell am I taking about? I friggin’ hate Hogan. You know what? I hope you break his knees. In fact, break one of his elbows too. Just for me.

Shawn Superkicks Piper.

HBK: I don’t take orders from no man.
Million Dollar Man: But…Shawn. What about me? We were supposed to take over the WWE for Jesus!
HBK: Thou Shalt Have NO other Gods….

Shawn Superkicks Dibiase.

HBK: …before me.

Next Week: Paul Orndorff comes in to defend Hogan’s honor. Matt Hardy unveils his great new gimmick, in which he makes Edge’s life a living hell by putting ants in Edge’s salad and when Edge says, “I can’t eat this” putting up the V1 sign and yelling, “Huuuuuuuuugh!” Also, John Cena and Chris Jericho will have a musical showdown that will literally bring down your house, so you might want to watch it at your neighbor’s or something.

In Cameron, North Carolina.

Rhino: I can’t BELIEVE that FRIGGIN’ PRICK swerved and betrayed us! I’m going to FRIGGIN’ GORE SOMEBODY’S HEAD OFF IN TNA!
Molly Holly: Did he call me fat?
Marc Loyd: Stay tuned for more hot wrestling action!
Molly: Err…I think the show’s over, Marc.
Loyd: Oh, I’m not talking about the WWE! Oh no! I’m talking about OMEGA!
Molly: What?
Charlie Haas: Yeah, we built a tent community in your back yard. The Wind is going to teach us wrestling and philosophy, and then we’re taking it on tour. Many Hollywood Celebrities like Drew Carey and The Black Guy from Star Trek Voyager have joined our cause.
Miss Jackie: Finally, we can have our big match, Molly!
Molly: Heh…greeeeeat.
Matt Morgan: Hi M-M-M-M-
Bubba Dudley: C’mon, kid, put some balls into it.
Morgan: Ms. Holly.
Bubba: I can’t BELIEVE we got fired. Do you guys have anything to drink?
Molly: Milk?
Bubba: D-Von? GET THE MILK!
D-Von Dudley: Oh, my brother! TESTIFY!

Spike runs past them and climbs up the fridge, grabs the cookie jar and jumps off, landing on his head.

Spike Dudley: Who wants cookies?
Billy Kidman: Torrie? Torrie? Has anybody seen my wife?
Akio: Uh…she didn’t get fired, dude. She’s not coming.
Kidman: Nooooo! I worked SO HARD to get out of my dating bracket. Dammit!
Shannon Moore: Dude, Akio can speak English?
Akio: I’m from GEORGIA! Geez, how many times do I have to explain that to people?
Gangrel: I can’t believe I sold my gimmick to Michaels. What will I go on now?
SeVen: You will have to have faith in the teachings of The Wind.
Gangrel: Great. Thanks Mordecai. Why don’t you go put on a baseball hat and shut the hell up!
Haas: Settle down, guys. Geez. Remember, The Wind will provide.
Molly: Somebody’s tent is right in my azaleas. Dammit.

D-Von gets the milk, but Rhino gores it out of his hands. Milk sprays everywhere.

Joy Giovanni: Hi, I’m a Diva. Let’s be friends!
Molly: No.
Mark Jindrak: Is this where the party is at? Because it looks like this is where the party is at.
Molly: No.
Maven: Who’s ready for some Maven? Come on! Maven!
Tough Enough Jessie: I got fired. Again! WAAAAAH!
Dawn Marie: I’m not sure if this is the right environment for a baby. That volcano looks dangerous. Maybe we can change it to a nursery?
Molly: NO!
Kenzo Suzuki: I ROVE USA!

The Phone Rings….

Molly: Hello?
Marty Jannetty: Is this Shawn Michaels.
Molly: Does this sound like Shawn Michaels?
Marty: No.
Molly: Good.
Marty: Shawn, I need you to bail me out.
Molly: I’m not Shawn Michaels!!
Marty: Will you bail me out anyway?
Molly: NO!!
SeVen: Geez, who’s the square?
Jim Cornette: Don’t you talk to Molly like that! And take that hat off before I slap you!
SeVen: Yes, sir.

Suddenly, everything goes ghastly silent.

The Wind: Thank you all for coming to the beginning of Imagi’s great plan. You are all seekers of the truth of Peroxwhy?gen’s knowledge and the thoughts of Imagi and The Wind. Hear this:

War is not the answer,
Love brings no peace,
The WWE has given,
You your release.
Step into OMEGA
Where you will go far,
Also let me borrow
Please your car.
Matt has taken step one,
Them we must destroy,
Bring down the WWE,
Who you no longer employ.
Then we will take over,
Like a wonderful dream,
You all got fired,
But now you’re
2Xtreme.

Haas: Wow.
Molly: What a bunch of crap.