Oh, snap! Eric Bischoff is interrupting his own damn credits because that’s JUST HOW SERIOUS HE IS about…uh…whatever.

Eric Bischoff: Last week, John Cena said that, I couldn’t see him. Well, I’m going to make sure that I can see him this week. That’s right. I’m going to put him in the toughest match of his life. I’m going to put  

Matt Hardy: Hahaha! V1 strikes again!

…ng Credits)

Shelton Benjamin v. Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a No Count Outs Match for the WWE Intercontinental Title

This actually makes sense, because Carlito won last week’s match by getting counted out! Who slipped continuity into the writer’s coffee this morning?

Matt Hardy: The scar will become a symbol…of me making your life a living hell Johnny Ace!

So, I guess if Carlito can’t get counted out then, well, there ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton…NAH! He takes control with some Sting based offense. All this time, I thought Edge was going to be the new Sting. Unfortunately, Shelton starts blowing spots like Jeff Hardy on a Saturday, and nearly breaks his legs trying to throw a punch. Oh well. Carlito shirks responsibility once again, getting himself disqualified for hiding stop signs in his hair. Oh that Carlito. He’s so clever. Man, are they ever going to do this match?

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Kurt Angle is out for the Angle Invitational. Oh, hey! They’re in Philly, maybe they can get an ECW guy to come out. Like…uh…Snot Dudley. Nope. It’s the same guy from last week. Wasn’t he from New York? And didn’t he die? What the hell? Wait…no. It’s not Striker at all. It’s Rick “The Model” Martel. Awesome! Nostalgia has reached new heights!

Rick “The Model” Martel v. Kurt Angle
In a Kurt Angle Invitational Match

Wait…isn’t Martel from Canada? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say the WWE was attempting to scam us with this whole Angle Invitational. Angle attempts to jump Rick to start, but Martel is a wily veteran, and he deftly dodges and sprays Kurt in the face with Arrogance. Martel takes Angle down in the Boston Crab. The crowd is on its feet cheering their “hometown hero” to hold on just a bit longer. However, Angle recovers quickly, and snaps the old Canadian’s ankle. USA! USA! After the match, Angle goes to reclaim his medals, but the police officer has stolen them! That’s what you get for hiring Indy workers as policemen, I guess. Wait…I know that Indy Worker!

Matt Hardy: Who’s gonna auction off the gold medals on his site? Huh, Johnny Ace? Is your life a living hell yet? Come on, Big Pimpin’ Alex buy some gold medals! These, like, touched Benoit’s balls!

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DIVA SEARCH 2005~!

This week, the girls will all proseify us with their magnetic personalities and explain which girl they’d like to see voted off. Or at least that’s what Coach said.

Ashley: Ashley would like to get rid of Elisabeth because she’s pretty sure Elisabeth is actually Dean Malenko in drag. Me too, actually. Ashley. Ashtually? Christy Hemme calls Ashley’s hairstyle, “Not really sexy.”

Leyla: Leyla says that she should get voted off. She thinks she’s the least pretty, the least athletic and the least cool out of all the girls in the rest of the competition. Also she thinks Matt Hardy is the coolest WWE Superstar ever, and that everyone should go see him in Ring of Honor. Christy notes, “That Matt Hardy is like a really awful Zoro.”

Summer: Would like to vote off Randy Orton because he keeps making her fall over, which is hurting her in the standings. When informed that Orton wasn’t actually in the competition, Summer fell over. Orton wins. Christy names it, “Match of the Year!”

Kristal: Kristal votes for Christy Hemme because she’s too spunky. Christy responds by kicking Kristal in the face and screaming, “Why did they have to do another Diva Search!? What will become of me now?!”

Elisabeth: Votes for anybody who doesn’t know an armbar from an armoire. That puts Kristal straight out. She finishes out her time limit shaving her stubble and stretching out Coach. Christy spews, “I can see your leg hair!”

Cameron: Cameron informs us that her hobbies are taking standardized tests, cooking chicken, appearing in Playboy, and making jams. Her turn ons include fine dining, men who can wiggle their ears, and hairy backs. Turn offs are hairy knees, men who carry an abacus and men with a last name starting with the letter R. Christy informs us, “Cameron missed the point of the segment.

Simona: Was voted off for being too old. To celebrate, the rest of the DIVA SEARCH 2005 contestants fire her out of a cannon. She would have picked Summer. The bitch. Christy nods, “Look at the pretty colors.”

(ads)

Oh my God! They’ve cloned Eric Bischoff! Now they can ruin two WCWs! Or one of them can constantly live with Jason Hervey. Speaking of Jason Hervey, did you know they recently released a DVD Boxed Set of After School Specials. Nothing says “marketing to pot heads” quite like that. Oh, and that’s not even a second Bischoff. It’s just Gay Gobbledygooker.

Eric Bischoff: Uh…Chavo…are you sure about this new gimmick? I mean, I thought the AmWay thing was bad…but…Gay Gobbledygooker? What demographic does that even appeal to anyway?
Gay Gobbledygooker: Gay chickens, housewives, soccer moms, the Illuminati, conspiracy theorists, the mentally unstable, children, bikini babes, old bald men, wedding guests. It‘s pretty universal. We’re number one among wedding guests you know.
Bischoff: Well…you keep it up. I’m…I’m moving to Arizona to live with Kevin Nash.
Chris Jericho: Gay Gobbledygooker, huh?
Gooker: Pretty much.
Jericho: Huh. Listen, Eric, I was thinking, what would be better than doing a Battle of the Bands between me and Cena next week?
Bischoff: Pretty much everything?
Jericho: Exactly. So why are we doing it next week? Cena isn’t even a band?
Bischoff: Who scheduled it?
Jericho: I don’t know. Some new writer guy. He wrote that one episode of Girlfriends where the Girlfriends all like the same guy, but decide that friendship is more important than a booty call at the end of the day.
Bischoff: Oh, Max Hearty. Yeah. He just got hired a few months ago. I’m sure he’ll figure things out.
Max Hearty: Max Hearty strikes again!

Backstage, Todd Grisham stands by with Shawn Michaels….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham standing by here with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I’ve gotta ask, will you Superkick my nose into my skull, thereby ending the miserable existence of this WWE interviewer?
Shawn Michaels: What? No way, Toddster, I’ve got more important things on my mind, like how I’m going to handle confronting Hulk Hogan tonight. I’ve got to handle the balance between my heal turn and my religious beliefs.
Grisham: I guess I’ll have to drink this poison then.

Nothing happens.

Grisham: Why…Why am I still here?
Matt Hardy: Because I switched your regular poison with a bottle of Sharkleberry Finn Kool Aid. Take that, Johnny Ace!

(ads)

Suga Rosey v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Suga Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!
Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: For the first time in forever, the challenge seems to favor the challenger. If there’s anyone who knows anything about Suga, it’s Suga Rosey. The Iron Chef has his work cut out for him.
Dr. Yukio Hatori: I thought this guy was a float.
Fukui: No, no. He was cut months ago by the Denver Broncos. He’s just now switched to a more generic outfit though.
Hatori: I miss the float.
Masters: Oh no! My soufflé fell!
Matt Hardy: Hahahaha! That’s for having a job when I didn’t!
Ohta: Fukui-San!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: Unfortunately, it looks like Iron Chef Masters is going to win after all. Rosey can’t help himself from eating all the delicious concoctions he’s cooked up. He’s not going to have anything to show the judges!
Fukui: Oh no! Unfortunate turn of events for the challenger. But wait, what’s this? A new challenger has entered Kitchen Stadium! It’s Big Show!!
Hatori: He’s eating everything in sight! This is great. Lookit him go! He just ate a bunch of woks. I hope he eats Ohta next.
Fukui: Me too! Looks like we’re going to have an intense battle here in Kitchen Stadium, next week. Who will reign supreme?

Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge and Lita.

Todd Grisham: You don’t think Matt’s coming do you?
Edge: I doubt it. He’ll wait until later to screw with me.
Lita: I’m sorry he ruined Byte This this week, Todd.
Grisham: Just existing ruins Byte This.
Edge: All the same, Matt Hardy will pay. You don’t ruin a D-Level internet show and get away with it. Not unless it’s Impact. Not on my watch! Lita, let’s go. I’m going to show Matt Hardy what we do to Internet Show ruiners around here.
Lita: What do we do?
Edge: Uh…I’ll…I’ll come up with something.

They leave.

Todd Grisham: Ah, good. Now I can overdose on this heroine. That’ll ease the pain.
Matt Hardy: Winners don’t do drugs, Todd.
Grisham: Dammit! Let me die will you!

(ads)

Back on the old man train after a one week absense, here’s Hulk Hogan. Hey, there’s his son Nick. He’s 14, but he drives street racing cars! Crazy!! He’s also about twelve pounds. Time to hit the steroids, kid. I mean…uh…say your prayers and take your vitamins. Yeah. That’s it.

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something, brothers? We’re here in the city of Brotherly Love, dude, and while Brother Love couldn’t be here, brother, I can, dude! Because, you see, brother, if you’ve been watching Hogan Knows Best, dude, you’ll know that the Hulkster can be a bad, bad man, brother. Look at what I’ve accomplished so far, Hulkamaniacs, I’ve turned heel on my daughter Brooke, hooking up with one of my “dawgs” Brian Knobbs to spy on her during her date with AJ Styles,, dude. I hooked my 14 year-old, virgin son up with a prostitute, because he’d rather make out with his girlfriend than shoot at things with the Hulkster, brother. You think Hulk Hogan doesn’t know how to deal with a old, balding Christian with a huge ego problem, brother? I’ve been dealing with him all my life!

Shawn prances out.

Shawn Michaels: You forgot about one thing, Hulk. That’s that I, for one, actually have good matches. See, you think I should be impressed by the fact that you’re Mr. Nanny, you’re Santa With Muscles, you’re Thunder in Paradise! More importantly, you’ve got a hit new reality show, Hogan Knows Best on VH1 every Sunday night at 9:30/8:30 Central, featuring your botoxed trophy wife, your sinfully attractive 16 year old daughter, your scrawny ass kid, and the “immortal” Hulk Hogan in crazy and entertaining situations. Well, I’m not. I was in Pacific Blue, Hogan! I know what it’s like to be a star. I was the best goddamn diamond thief ever, dammit. I’m the Show Stopper, the Main Event, the Ic…Come to think of it, is your daughter Ashley Simpson? That’s kind of been bothering me for a while.

Hogan: No way, dude. My daughter is way more classy than Ashley Simpson will ever be, brother. You think you can pull a good match out of the Hulkster, dude? You think these hips will last for one more match? Well you’re on, brother, because the Hulkmaniacs demand that I get as much TV time as possible before I get old again, dude. Whatchugonnado, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU?!

Suddenly, Matt Hardy pushes Nick Hogan over the railing, and Shawn superkicks him. As Hogan tends to his bloody son, Matt Hardy runs off to post on his message board about how awesome it is that he got one over on some skinny kid, and Shawn prances backstage. Then Hogan drops the leg on his son for being such a whiny bitch. Oh, heel turn!

Chris Jericho is backstage with “The Lumberjacks”….

Chris Jericho: More like “The Lunchables.” Where the hell did we get you guys to be my lumberjacks. This is always so embarrassing. “Oh, yeah, guys! We’ll scare him with dudes from Heat!” God. Most of you are so getting fired. I just wanted you to know that. Woah, wait. When did Rob Conway become a gay biker?
Rob Conway: I’m doing things the Con-w….
Jericho: You’re not getting that catchphrase over on my watch. Tomko is still here? What the hell, dude?
Tyson Tomko: ….
Chris Jericho: So my last, best hope for a WWE Title run rests on these jobbers and Abe Orton? Great. Who wrote this crap?
Max Hearty: Max Hearty strikes again!

(ads)

This show needs more Kane-related Cage Matches.

Before we can get started, however, Matt Hardy jumps out of the crowd and attacks Edge. Finally, Johnny Ace has had just about enough for tonight, so he comes and drags Hardy away to give him a stern talking to. Edge tells Matt to go back to the Indies to learn how to throw some convincing punches for God’s sake. Lita cries at that remark.

Kane v. Edge (w/ Lita)
In a Cage Match

Because the only way you’ll settle a feud this hot is in a cage, baby! I’m pretty sure Kane is thoroughly wasted, as he stumbles into the cage, and promptly busts his head open leaning against it for support. Then he tells Edge that maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all, and they should just shake and be friends, because this match isn’t really going to prove anything to anybody. Besides, they’re not so different. They both like Pogs, they both loved Crystal Pepsi. They could be fast friends. Kane is really taking the loss of his big angle hard. Don’t worry Kane there’s always…uh…Danny Basham. Yeah, he’s screwed. At some point, Edge opens up his briefcase and pulls out another, smaller briefcase and nails Kane with it. Then he climbs out for the win. Edge celebrates his victory, while Lita looks vaguely distressed that nobody has offered to lick her jaw yet this week.

(ads)

The Boogeyman is coming. Think if Mantaur and Disco Inferno had a baby. Yes, he’s that awesome. Also that disturbing.

Maria Tennyson Lund is backstage with John Cena. Oh man. Disasterpiece theatre.
Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I’ve gotta ask y-
John Cena: Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo! YO! YO!
Maria: I’ve gotta a…
Cena: YO!
Maria: -sk you, what about wr-
Cena: YO!
Maria: -estling a flapjack match? Do you even like pancakes?
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Maria: You have a match tonight!
Cena:
Lumberjacks chop wood
John Cena gets it,
Maria would you like to see,
John Cena’s dipstick?
I need a flannel shirt,
To compliment my gear,
Abe Orton should know,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Maria: That was terrible.
Cena: You can’t see me?
Maria: Omigosh! Where’d he go?

(ads - Man, exactly what I needed to see, another Rob Zombie movie!)

Abe Orton v. John Cena
In a Lumberjack Match

Your Half-Assed Lumberjacks for this match are: Chris Jericho, Gay Gobbledygooker, Kurt Angle, Carlito, Donny Basham, Tyson Tomko, Destro, Biker Bar Rob Conway, The Hearthrobs, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters, Some Geese, Snidley Whiplash, and Mumra. Frankly, anything short of the Unholy Trinity of Cobra Commander, Skeletor and Megatron and it would have been a huge letdown for poor Jericho. Really, the guy is kind of getting shafted here. Abe and Cena grapple for a while, until Jericho just decides to say “screw it” and attacks Cena. Might as well given how this match is about to go. The ring fills with the heel jobbers milling around trying to get TV time. Let’s take a break.

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When we come back, the ring has also begun to fill with face jobbers. Uh…why does Val Venis care what the hell is going on? Maybe he has a burning issue with Mumra or something. In any event, Big Show, Viscera (?) and the Ducks are able to chase the majority of the heels away, and after Cena is able to dump Jericho, he turns to find Abe Orton standing around, not really doing anything, kind of minding his own business, and hits him with the F-U. John Cena wins! THE CHAMP IS HERE! Chris Jericho can hardly not believe it.

Next Week: Big Show has to keep himself from eating the judges when he takes on Chris Masters in an Animal Crackers battle! Hulk Hogan shows up and stalls his Segway trying to chase Shawn Michaels. Also, John Cena and Chris Jericho will both be booed for being really, really awful musicians.

In Cameron, North Carolina….

The Wind: Yes! Yes! Feel the Imagi flow through you. Strange things you will see. Other times, other places.
Charlie Haas: I see a city in the clouds!
The Wind: That’s weird.
Marc Loyd: Does anybody have any bleach? I need to redo my tips.
Spike Dudley: Shh…we’re meditating on how OMEGA is going to get rid of the WWE!
Miss Jackie: Sigh…we’ve been out here all day.
Bubba Dudley: She’s turning heel on us! D-Von, get the table!
The Wind: Let’s not be hasty. She just needs to breathe in the Peroxwhy?gen.
Shannon Moore: Yeah, I’ve been breathing it for years and look at me.
D-Von Dudley: So that’s what’s wrong with you. You used to be the cutest girl on staff.
Shannon: Hey! I’m not a girl!
D-Von: Yeah, not any more!
Billy Kidman: This is worse than being in the Flock.
Gangrel: What ever happened to Shawn Michaels stealing my gimmick?
SeVen: He realized it sucked.
Gangrel: Well you don’t see anybody trying to steal ol’ Mordecai, do you?
Akio: Maybe instead of meditating, I should be practicing my Elvis for my TNA return.
Mark Jindrak: Oh, I doubt they’ll hire you back. Me? I’m planning on moving to Japan. I bet even I could beat Sean O’Haire in a shoot fight.
Dawn Marie: Shhh! You guys will scare the baby!
Joy Giovanni: Whatever happened to Simon Diamond anyway?
Dawn: Shut up.
Kenzo Suzuki: What ever happen to Hiroko?
Maven: Morgan ate her.
Matt Morgan: I did-did-did-did-did-
Kenzo: HOW DARE YOU?!
Morgan: Not! Did not!
Bubba: Way to sell the gimmick. No wonder they fired you.
Jim Cornette: I can’t believe I agreed to promote this group of morons.
Marty Jannetty: And pay my bail!
Cornette: Especially pay your bail!
Rhino: Don’t worry everyone! Jeff Jarrett will provide! He friggin’ better or I’ll GORE HIS ASS!
Kidman: Yeah. Way to align yourself with that dumbass.

Rhino Gores Kidman.

The Wind: Don’t worry everyone, we have a referee! The greatest one of all!
Earl Hebner: Does anybody want to buy this authentic, match used pair of Big Show’s tights?
Jindrak: Yes.
Spike: Wind! What are you doing? He’ll screw us all!
Hebner: Prolly.
Tough Enough Jessie: We’re doomed! WAAAAH!
The Wind:
So the die is cast,
OMEGA has returned,
Will this version last,
Or will we all get burned?
Haas and Maven lead our pack,
Of useless Heat jobbers.
We’ll fight the WWE back,
And steal workers like robbers,
The Wind and Imagi lead,
As our new promotion gains steam,
Stop! They will beg and plead,
Will we be on SpikeTV or are we,
2Xtreme?
Molly Holly: I hate you all.