(Opening Credits)

Here’s Kurt Angle come to talk…about…doing drugs. Don’t do drugs, kids. No, wait. He’s out with some Local Indy Workers, so that means he got his Gold Medals away from Matt Hardy last week. Maybe he bought them on e-Bay or something. I know that’s where I got my 1996 Gold Medal. What? You think I actually won   

the pentathlon? HA! I came in sixth. Anyway, his challenge this week is answered by Christy Hemme?

Kurt Angle: Ok. This fine. I’ll probably have a better match against you than anybody else from Cleveland. Besides, I’ll probably get to feel you up.
Christy Hemme: No, silly. You’re not wrestling me! I’m just out here to distract people from the lack of wrestling in this opening segment!
Angle: But…if you hadn’t have come out here, and if whoever is actually coming out would have come out, then we would already be wrestling right now, and there would be no lack of wrestling to bemoan!
Christy: OMG! Look everyone! I have boobs!
Angle: Sigh. Just bring somebody out, will you?

Kurt Angle v. Eugene
In a Kurt Angle Invitational Match

Eugene?! Aw, man. This guy. I didn’t miss this guy. Eugene has the mic.

Eugene: I heard about the lack of wrestling on this program after Chris Benoit left, so I have returned, bringing my smarky wit and amazing restholds with me! Check my website after the show for all the hot behind the scenes news! THE ERA OF THE WORKED SHOOT HAS ARRIVED AND EUGENE IS IT’S POPE!
Matt Hardy: Man, you’re cramping my style!

Eugene wraps Angle up in a side headlock until the time limit expires. Eugene wins the Gold Medals! He immediately drops them in his trunks. Now it’s like his balls have touched Benoit’s. Christie, meanwhile, does a dance. When his head clears, Angle tears up. He can’t believe he didn’t job the medals out to Triple H.

Backstage, Viscera says that he’s got a big surprise for his next match. Is it Charlie Haas? No! He got fired!

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

In the Bischoffice, John Cena is there.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo YO Yo Yo YO! YO!
Eric Bischoff: Uh….
Cena: YO!
Bischoff: *cough*
Cena: YO!
Bischoff: You’re a bad seed, Cena! You’re a no goodnick, see? You’re a bad apple, rotten to the core!
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Bischoff: John, don’t ruin my ‘30s gangster movie villain vibe, please.
Cena: Real recognizes real, homey!
Bischoff: Whatever. I don’t like you. Go away.
Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!
Bischoff: I hate you.

Oh man! YES! Men on a Mission is getting the band back together, baby! I can’t wait until Mo comes back so they can show Cena how real playas kick it old school. Wait, Lil’ Romeo? Aw, come on. I thought we were done with Master P in wrestling. Swoll is gonna be pissed he didn’t get in on any of this action. Viscera jumps up and squashes everyone, and then he and Oscar rap about the King of the Ring. Give the man some time, y’all, he’s been gone for a while.

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

Shelton Benjamin is in the Bischoffice complaining.

Shelton Benjamin: I want a match against Carlito.
Eric Bischoff: That’s it? That’s all you have to say?
Shelton: Uh…yeah.
Bischoff: Well, no. I’m friggin’ tired of that match.
Shelton: Kinda like Edge v. Kane?
Bischoff: Hey, Edge needs a little more Kane, ok?
Shelton: Yeah? Well…you…smell funny.
Bischoff: Uhh…?
Shelton: Man, I suck at cutting promos.

Maria Tennyson Lund is standing by with Chris Jericho.

Maria Tennyson Lund: Maria Tennyson Lund here, and I’m standing by with Chris Jericho! Chris, I’ve got to ask you something. Our labs have done tests, and we’ve found your hair to be absolutely impossible for a male. Are you wearing a wig?
Chris Jericho: Why don’t you go wave your boobies elsewhere? I’m immune! I’m Canadian! John Cena, tonight, you’re about to find out why they call my band Fozzy, when I make like Pac Man and “Wokka Wokka Wokka” gobble up your power pellets on my way to victory.
Maria: I think you mixed your metaphors a little bit, Chris.
Jericho: Shut up.

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

It’s time for BATTLE OF THE BANDS~! Man, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m, like, SOOOO excited! I heard the guys from 4th hour study hall cooked up this wicked version of “I’m Too Sexy” that’s, like, gonna cancel school forever!

Y’all ain’t ready for none of this! Yo, my boy’s a bad man,
He’s buying all the curry, he’s cuttin’ some meat,
Maybe he’d like something to eat!
Shocked the world, now I’m getting owned,
In a feud with Jericho, he’s givin’ me the bone!

You can’t help, but pat me on the back,
I’m like Barry Horowitz, if he pretended he was black!
I’m like a chair, I’m ready to fold!
Believe it or not, this gimmick is starting to get old!

The gauntlet’s been thrown, I’m looking a lot weaker,
Luckily, for me, Jericho’s future never looked bleeker!
Are you even reading the words of this song?
For all you know, I could be rapping about Stacy’s thong!

I’m worse on the mic, than DJ Ran!
Come to think of it, You could say I’m a bad, bad man!

With the mic in his hands, he’s a bad man,
In the ring with his hands, it’s sad, man.
He’s got the title, he’s a bad man.
He’s a bad man, a bad man!

In my crappiness, you revel,
When I’m on, you turn the volume down a level,
Luckily, I didn’t have to sell my soul to the devil,
I just gave Cena a 40, a new jacket,
A hat and some chips and the deal was settled
We’re cousins, so it’s responsibility.

My part is almost over, I bet you can’t wait,
I’m the kind of guy who can’t get a date!
I’m always getting beat, for sayin’ I’m 1337,
I help my moms sell things at a swap meet.

I’m just kidding, pulling your leg,
To get on the album, I had to beg!
My whole entire career is one big joke,
Cena keeps me around to sound better than this hoax.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta take note!
Of my timing on this little verse I wrote!

(Chorus)

Seriously, guys, trust me I’m the beast,
Bacon is what I like to eat, here is a receipt,
To make a bacon omelet, eggs I gotta beat!
You don’t know who I am, I could be dead!

A Zombie on RAW, with too much motion,
I’m down with the clown, I’m better then butter,
Eddie’s secret is that he’s Dominic’s mother!
Is that such a crime? Stop…Hammer time!

(Dance Break)

Kane’s movie comin’ soon, it’s at least better than Saw,
Poor guy is stuck screwin’ dead chicks on RAW,
Like 2Hotty, on my belly I’m at war!
Like Hassan, on the telly I’m at war!

Thrown of UPN, because he’s not a Muslim,
A Pay Per View, I’ll later view,
Like to eat stew, because I’m feelin’ blue.
I’m a bad, bad man!

Simon Cowell: Absolutely dreadful. I mean, honestly, who wrote this for you? A third grade class? I mean, seriously. Stick to whatever else it is you do. Trademarc, back to Subway for you.
Randy Jackson: Bumpy! You’re my dawg, dawg. Get the hell out of this while you can, dawg. Because that really sucked. Dawg.
Paula Abdul: I loved it! TOUCHDOWN! Wait…aren’t we out of season?
Jonathan Coachman: Coming up later, it’s DIVA SEARCH 2005~!

Round 2: Fozzy

Due to the nacho-related disappearance of Fozzy’s drummer Bud Fontsere, Fozzy will not perform tonight and will be disqualified. In a written statement, Chris Jericho said: “It’s very disappointing to me, and my band Fozzy, not to be able to play tonight. John Cena is wonderful competition and the fans of Cleveland deserve to hear both bands at their finest. I’m very sorry, but what can you do when your drummer filled his swimming pool full of Doritos and accidentally cannonballs in and can’t get out? Oh well. -Chris Jericho. P.S. We totally would have smoked them with ‘End of Days.’”

Bill: Dude, we’ve been teleported through time to play in a battle of the bands!
Ted: Most excellent!
Rufus: Party on dudes!
Bill: But who will play keytar and drums in our band?
Abraham Lincoln: Fore Score and Seven Years ago, I learned to play a totally bitchin’ keytar!
Napolean: I guess I’ll play drums. Gosh.
RVD: Woah, dudes! Party on! Bitchin’ time traveling telephone booth! Can it take me to 1998, when I was still cool?
Rufus: It’s already set!
RVD: Yeah! All right!!

And so, the Wyld Stallyns won the Battle of the Bands, and took home first prize, a chance to star in an upcoming WWE Films production, “Harmlet” staring Steve Austin as Harmlet, a man out for blood against his Father’s murderer and Bill and Ted as Roadkill and Goldberg:

Harmlet: Alas poor, Yeti, I knew thee well! What? I said I knew thee well! What? When you were alive, I knew you! What? When you existed in a state of living, I was your friend! What? Your confidant! What? Your pal! What?
Roadkill: Woah.
Goldberg: Hey, ass! That’s not your line, ass.
Roadkill: Chickens!
Goldberg: Uncle Cletus your ass is NEXT!

This Week, On Hogan Knows Best: Hulk’s ass falls out, plus, the family all show varying degrees of exasperation that the Hulkster won’t just retire already.

Shawn Michaels is walking backstage, hears that the Diva Search is coming up and breaks out with Herpes.

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

Carlito is in the Bischoffice. It’s like a Vietnamese whorehouse in there these days. Geez.

Eric Bischoff: …and that was my plan to save WCW.
Triple C: Put the title on KISS Demon? Come on, man.
Bischoff: Well, it sounded like a good idea at the time. Hey, look, I booked you in a match with Cena this week, and if you beat him this week, you get a title shot next week. And Chris Jericho is the referee this week.
Carlito: Jericho? You guys miss Hebner already, don’t you?
Bischoff: Shut it up, you.

Shawn Michaels comes out at 3/4 prance. Something must be up. He’s got a mic.

Shawn Michaels: Hogan won’t be here tonight, because sadly, he’s got it in his contract that he doesn’t have to work Cleveland. Sorry folks. So, instead, what you’re going to get is an extended HBK promo. What I’m going to do, is I’m going to come out here, and shoot on you marks, because if there’s one thing Ol’ HBK knows how to do, it’s get you workrate freaks riled up with my mic work.

What’s that? Oh, come on, you didn’t think Shawn Michaels wasn’t going to get on the Worked Shoot bandwagon, did you? Listen here, Edge, Hardy, Eugene, those are all kids playin’ an adult’s game. You don’t out Kliq, the Kliq, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon man, I practically invented the worked shoot. So when I say, “Hulk Hogan? You’re just a big stiff riding on the coattails of what McMahon gave to you, and what I sustained until the nWo came around and ruined the industry.” That’s a shoot. It’s also a shoot to say that Hogan can’t work a match to save his life, and that the only reason I agreed to wrestle him was to see if I could be the one guy to drag him up to ****, that’s a shoot too. But I’m a heel, see, and this is the crazy part. You know deep down inside that it’s a shoot, but am I saying it because I believe it, or because I’m trying to get under your skin? You just don’t know anymore! WORKED SHOOT~! Hahaha…I’m lovin’ it. I can say whatever I want! What’re they gonna do? Ship me to TNA? Hogan? I’m not laying down for you!

OR AM I?!

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

Shelton Benjamin v. Abe Orton and Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a DREAM Handicapped Lemon Meringue Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-San!
Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: What are the friggin’ rules for this even? Three chefs? That’s crazy go nuts!
Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’m not even sure. And why does the Iron Chef get the help? Shouldn’t it be the challenger that gets the extra set of hands.
Fukui: You’ve apparently never seen Abe in the kitchen. He ruined Lita and Kane’s chicken parmesan, you know.
Hatori: Oh man! The Iron Chef just locked in his meringue bisque! Abe Orton is beating away at the eggs! This one is just about over!
Ohta: Fukui-san!
Fukui: Go ahead!
Ohta: The Iron Chef has won the battle! The challenger spent the whole match crying in the corner about how he couldn’t cut a promo. Big Show ran out to try to tell him that there wasn’t any stopping him…NAH, but it was all too late.
Fukui: Oh well, maybe next time we’ll find out who will reign supreme!

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

DIVA SEARCH 2005~!

This week’s elimination? Poor Cameron, who, despite appearing in Playboy three times, could not save herself from Coach’s magic banning stick. Better luck on Smackdown, dear. You can be the new Lauren Jones. Wait…who? This week’s contest? Which girl can swallow the most hot dogs? Why not ask Randy Orton?

Summer: Fell over ten seconds into the contest and never recovered. Orton wins again! 0 dogs. Christy whines, “You’ll have to do better than that!”

Kristal: Swallows 7 dogs, before changing into Hot Dog Eaty Smurf, whence she smurfed another three. Grand Total? 10 Dogs. Christy chirps, “Good, but not good enough, blue meanie!”

Elisabeth: Continually attempts to put the hot dogs into a Texas cloverleaf, but cannot seem to do it without tearing them in half. 0 Dogs, but an A for effort! Christy admonishes, “Try eating them next time!”

Ashley: Refuses to eat any dogs because being a vegan is punk rawk! Oh come on, girl, suck down some protein. I’m ashamed that I stole that joke from Josh Matthews. Christy warns, “You won’t get very far in this business not eating any hot dogs!”

Leyla: Sucks down 11 dogs. She’s like the hot dog hoover. Lawler collapses. Christy puzzles, “Leyla wins?”

Edge (w/ Lita) v. Kane
In a Stretcher Match

One of these times, Matt is going to be in the briefcase, you know. Kane dominates the early part of the match by constantly bailing out and sticking his tongue out at Edge. He almost gets to Lita, but before he can, Edge takes him down. They brawl for a few minutes, before Kane puts Edge on the stretcher. When Edge contests being dragged across the finish line, Kane lets go of the stretcher, which slowly rolls back down the ramp before coming to a halt in front of the ring. Edge and Kane sigh.

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

Lita nails Kane from behind. Uh…with a Kendo stick. In the knee. Kane falls onto the stretcher, and Edge begins to slowly try to drag him up. However, they are passed by Rene Dupree/Mutley and The Scooby Gang. And the winner is? The Scooby Gang! Maybe if you worked together better, you’d win the Wacky Races, Kane and Edge! Kane is so furious he sits up and Tombstones Lita onto the steel! Not quite as cool as your bother‘s, dude.. A shocked Edge goes to tend to her, when he is attacked by Matt Hardy! What a shocking swerve! Johnny Ace and the Police come out and drag Hardy off while he shouts, “This is totally going onto the Matt Hardy Show! Wait ‘til you hear what The Legend has to say about you, Johnny Ace! He says, ‘Who the hell is Johnny Ace?!’ HA!”

Man, what must Matt’s legal bills for all these arrests look like? No wonder his site’s always down. Sorry, Big Pimpin’ Alex.

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

Kane is wheeling Lita around backstage when he gets to the ambulance. He tosses her in and bangs on the side.

Kane: Go! Go!
Harmlet: DUI or DWI? That is the question!

Austin takes off, and Lita wheels out the back of the ambulance and back to Kane. Austin swerves into traffic and disappears. Kane sighs, slumps against the wall and puts his head in his hands.

Here is a Tribute to Hulk Hogan: A man so cool, even these completely random people have something to say about him. Hey, Triple H has RETURNED TO RAW! It’s still funny, after all these years watching how pissed off Ric Flair is that Hogan is a bigger name.

Jericho’s really rockin’ out that ref shirt. Go on with your bad self.

(Promotional Consideration Paid for by the Following….)

Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Eric Bischoff) v. John Cena
With Special Guest Referee Chris Jericho

Seriously? I’m at the point where I’d be pretty happy if Jericho got Hebner’s job. Jericho wears the stripes well. Cena takes control of the match, and, Jericho seems to be calling it right down the middle, kicking both Cena and Carlito in the nuts. That one’s for the Cabana, dumbass. Cena is a house afire, but just when it looks like he’s about to take out Carlito with the F-U, Jericho kicks him in the nuts AND hits the Lionsault. Apparently, Carlito’s finisher is…letting the referees hit their finishers on his opponents. I can’t wait until WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton breaks out the Patton Driver. Well…either way, Carlito wins. Jericho poses for a few seconds while Carlito kind of stands in the background looking depressed. He wants a feud!

Next Week: Shawn Michaels totally shoots about how old Hogan’s wife is. Plus, Carlito and John Cena have a match which can delicately be termed…”Eh.” Also, Kane will be wheeling Lita’s body around in Cleveland looking for Cap’n Jack Foley.

I probably won’t be here next week! If I don’t get somebody to fill, keep yourselves amused!

Charlie Haas (w/ Miss Jackie) v. Matt Morgan
Special Guest Enforcer NWA-TNA’s Rhino

Your announcers for tonight are Jim Cornette and Ivory who spend the entire night screaming over each other for attention. Morgan tries to stutter through a promo before the match, so The Dudley Boyz and their gimmick protection squad run out and hit the 3-D! Haas is ready to go for the cover, but Rhino gores him instead. After ten minutes, the two combatants stand up. Indy Appreciation Clap. Haas and Morgan work some mat based wrestling, until the ring lights on fire and Gangrel comes out. He starts to ask if anybody wants to join the Brood, but he gets gored straight to hell. Matt Morgan wins after a chair shot. Miss Jackie cries.

Backstage, Marc Loyd is with Marty Jannetty.

Marc Loyd: Marc Loyd here and I’m with Marty Jannetty, and Marty….
Marty Jannetty: There’s no camera back here. This is an Indy show.
Loyd: I know. Can I borrow ten bucks?
Jannetty: Are you crazy? I don’t have ten bucks!

Maven v. Kenzo Suzuki v. SeVen
In a match for the OMEGA Pure Wrestling Title, with Special Guest Referee Dawn Marie

Maven hits a dropkick. To protect himself from future dropkicks, SeVen puts a helmet on. Cornette storms from the announce position and begins whacking SeVen silly with the tennis racket. While Ivory shrieks that this is the best match she’s ever seen in her entire life, Kenzo pins Maven to become the first OMEGA Pure Wrestling Champion. Never has there been someone so deserving. Quietly, Dawn hopes that Abe Orton doesn’t get fired.

Tough Enough Jessie is standing by with Mark Jindrak

Tough Enough Jessie: Randy Orton is mean!
Mark Jindrak: Hey! Don’t you talk about him like that! Randy is the only reason I still have my job!
TEJ: You don’t!
Jindrak: Oh snap!
TEJ: I don’t either! WAAAAH!

Kidman v. Akio
With Special Guest Referee Spike Dudley

I think I saw this match on Velocity once. Or a hundred times. While Akio and Kidman have a perfectly serviceable wrestling match, Spike takes matters into his own hands, and does the old “off a 20 foot ladder into a volcano filled with sharks and mildly pissed off bees” ref bump. Akio wins the match after Kidman begins bawling about how Torrie won’t even call him anymore and that he closest thing he’s seen to action in months is seeing her strip on PPV.

Joy Giovanni is washing some dude’s car in a wet T-Shirt. Molly Holly chases her off.

Molly Holly: Can we get this card over already? God knows we better finish before The Legend’s nap time or he’ll get cranky. Introducing first, from Wigglesworth, South Carolina, OMEGA World Champion…Shannon Moore? Shannon Moore is our world champion. Great.

Shannon Moore: Yo!
Molly Holly: And his opponent, from the Imagi-Nation, the Compelling Riddle Will O’ The Wisp! Oh! Jeff, you told me that you weren’t going to Jeff Jarrett up this promotion!
Rhino: What was that about Jeff Jarrett?
Molly: Nothing.
Wil; O’ The Wisp: Who is this “Jeff Hardy” of whom you speak? Behold! I am Will O’ The Wisp, representing Imagi and all his followers! Revel in the knowledge I impart:

Shannon Moore, your day is gone,
Your championship is lost,
I will take from you your crown,
At whatever the cost,
Will O’ The Wisp is here,
Your reign has lost its steam,
Will you stand the pressure,
Or am I
2Xtreme?

Molly: Sigh.

Will O’ The Wisp v. Shannon Moore
For the OMEGA World Title

Will blows some spots to start, until Shannon takes control with some dragon tattoo-based offense. Will gets back into things when he draws on the power of Imagi to throw some crappy ass punches, and soon Shannon is down. The Wisp goes up top to nail the Whysperator, when suddenly OMEGA Referee Earl Hebner nails him in the balls. The crowd immediately chants “You Screwed Jeff” to which Will grunts, “Who?” in between gasps for air. Shannon Moore rolls him up and retains the OMEGA World Title. After the match, he and Earl pose but…wait…that’s not Earl Hebner at all! That’s OMEGA Road Agent Dave Hebner! Why! What a SHOCKING SWERVE~!