Vince McMahon stomps out onto the ramp. I wonder what his issue is tonight. I hope it’s me being named as the GM. My first order of business would be to book Kane in every match. I don’t know what he’d do, but it’d be awesome.  

Shawn Michaels v. Abe Orton
For a Chance to Be Last to Enter the Elimidate Chamber

Shelton v. Abe? Played out. Shawn v. Abe? AWESOME! Shawn prances with the prancing of a thousand suns, because Abe Orton is the best opponent he’s been scheduled against since the last time he wrestled Kane. Abe’s goatee is no longer a goatee. It’s, like, a full on Goat now. It got promoted. No wonder Tomko won’t hang out with him anymore. The Goatee is jealous of The Goat. Shawn kips up and, for the first time, I really notice that he’s finally fully done away with the “chaps” part of Mirror Chaps, and gone full on with mirrored pants. Must be more comfy. Shawn hits the Super Kick, and that’ll be just fine thanks. The time to beat is 35:12.

No idea if that’s in hours, seconds, what.

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Edge and Lita are out and I guess it’s time for “Cutting Edge” the show that will eventually make it possible for the WWE to wish Edge the best in his future endeavors. I thought Vince was sick of all these shows. Anyway, I guess tonight’s guest is Ric Flair?

Edge: So, I guess tonight’s guest is Ric Flair? Has he done anything memorable in the past ten years?

Lita: Didn’t he beat Jeff Jarrett one time?

Edge: Yeah. And I guess he punched some guy in the balls on the highway. But really, who the hell hasn’t done that?

Ric Flair: WOO! I’m the NATURE BOY! Stylin’ and profilin’!

Edge: Oh great. Ric Flair. What the hell is your deal anyway?

Flair: I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!

Lita: I feel like we went over that last week.

Flair: Who’s going over me?! It’s not Barry Windham is it?! Goddammit! I’m going to bring you down Windham!

Lita: No friggin’ wonder this guy’s wife left him. Could you imagine LIVING with him?!

Flair: WOO! Hey! Look at my penis!

Edge: Egh. THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!

Flair: Get me over?! I’m already over?! Get me over?! I’m already over! C’mon Mongo let’s go get him!

Flair proceeds to attack the briefcase, beg off and flop. Edge and Lita exit.

Lita: I thought we were faking this interview….

Edge: Why fake it when you can get the real thing?

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Chavo Guerrero v. Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters
In a Tacquitos Battle for the Chance to Be Last to Enter the Elimidate Chamber

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui San!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The Champion is trying to cook a Tacquito Salad Sandwich in under 35:12...hours? Err…I think that’s supposed to be minutes.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Oh, I don’t think he’ll do it. Chavo’s still milking the….

Fukui: Oh no! Don’t you dare go there.

Hatori: But…Look at him! He’s running around Kitchen Stadium! He’s milking it for all it’s worth!

Ohta: Fukui San!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The champion couldn’t complete any meals within the time limit! The challenger wins!

Fukui: Holy crap! What the hell kind of Iron Chef is this anyway?! BOO! Well, join us next time when we see if this piece of crap can win anything. Who will reign supreme?!

Hatori: Probably your mom. In bed. With me.

Fukui: Would you stop it?

Masters has the mic and a phat ass beat!

Uh! Uh! Yeah.

I’m Iron Chef Masters and I’m here to say,

I’m going to win at New Years Resolution.

Er…Resolution.

I mean Resolution.

Word.

That was a good rap!

Kurt Angle is sitting around enjoying a White Russian. This was really worth my time.

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It’s time for Kurt Angle’s shocking announcement!

Kurt Angle: Here’s my shocking announcement. I’M A HEEL! BOO me. BOO me! Goddammit people, to I have to wear a friggin’ sign saying “Your town sucks, and if you hate your town, then I raped your wife”? I mean, I ACTUALLY raped some guy’s wife a few months ago. I hate America! The troops! What do I have to hate to get you guys to boo me?! Jesus H. John Paul and Mary, people! I’m THE HEEL! Why do we have to spell this crap out for you?! This isn’t TNA! We have faces and heels. I’m the latter, not the former. Don’t make me resort to any more cheap heat tactics to get one or two guys to root for Cena. And I had gay buttsex with your mom.

Vince McMahon is backstage with Torrie Wilson….

Torrie Wilson: Are you serious?

Vince McMahon: Am I serio…OF course I’m serious, I’m Vince McMahon, dammit.

Torrie: He’s…he’s dead, Vince. Dawn Marie killed him before artificially inseminating herself with his love child.

Vince: Well goddammit, I want Al Wilson as the GM! We’ll rebuild him. Bigger, faster, with a more powerful turkey suit! Get to work on it Tim!

WWE Zombie Referee Tim White: I’m…uh…dead too.

Vince: Who the hell does a guy have to hump to get some living workers around here?

Torrie: Not me.

Vince: Where the hell is Todd Grisham? I want to make him do a dance for my amusement.

Tough Enough Jessie: He just hung himself.

Vince: What the hell is with THAT?!

Tough Enough Jessie: I could do a dance for you, sir!

Vince: Oh, go to hell.

Tough Enough Jessie: WAAAAAAHHH!

Backstage, the women’s locker room is decked with Christmas Cheer!

Alexis Laree: Sooo…you know how this is a quasilesbian storyline starring a quasiporn actress and a former fitness model and their love triangle with a Maxim model?

Trish Stratus: Yeah?

Alexis: You wanna make out?

Trish: Is it just me, or is it not even Christmas anymore?

Alexis: How about unwrapping THESE presents?

Trish: Ok. Give ‘em here, baby! Oh…wow. Socks. And…a Wal-Mart gift card.

Alexis: Yeah…I didn’t know what to get you.

Trish: No. That’s cool.

Alexis: So…do you want to make out now?

Trish: Yes.

And so they make out.

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Kurt Angle v. Khosrow Daivari
For the Chance to Be Last to Enter the Elimidate Chamber

Leyleyaleyaooooooooh! Daivari gets hit with the FINGER POKE OF DOOM~! By Angle, but WWE RAW Referee M-M-M-Miiike Chioda isn’t having any of that crap. They better hit some actual wrestling moves or he’s not counting a pinfall. Man it’d SUUUUCK if Chioda was an X-Division referee. Nothing would ever get resolved! Hahaha…I could’ve gone with a Cena joke there. Did you know that Maria Tennyson Lund is dating C.M. Punk? I can’t wait for Jeb/Punk at Mania. STRAIGHT EDGE TO THE MAX~!!!1! Anyway, Angle chases Chioda out of the ring, and Chioda counts himself out. Uh…the winner is…Joey Styles. They still didn’t beat Shawn’s unbeatable time.

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Triple H v. Big Show
In a Contract Signing Match

Is Hunter seriously going into the PPV wrestling Show?! What is this world coming to? He’s supposed to be slumming around in the main event or something. Anyway, Show signs the contract with no guff, and Coach delivers it to Hunter.

Triple H: No, no! I’m not signing this! I want this contract to include a rider stating that 1,000 pitted olives are delivered to my room at least an hour before the PPV!

Big Show: That wasn’t part of the deal!

HHH: I’m altering the deal! Pray I don’t alter it any further!

Show: Dammit, Hunter! I’m already going to whip your ass, do you want your time to be now?

HHH: Dude, I haven’t used “My Time” as my theme for, like, five years now, man.

Show: I need a catchphrase.

HHH: Damn right you do. There’s only so far you can get by being fat.

Show: Hey, don’t knock it man. It got me a primo spot jobbing to Hogan in WCW.

HHH: Yeah, while I was working my way to get to where I am to day!

Show: And staying here by banging the boss’ daughter. Yeah. It’s all good, man.

HHH: Aren’t you supposed to be pissed at me because I’m messing with Ric Flair?

Show: Yeah?

HHH: Well, news flash, fatty, “I’M NOT MESSING WITH RIC FLAIR ANYMORE, EDGE IS!”

Show: Man, I don’t want to wrestle Edge. That guy can’t sell my chops for crap.

HHH: Well, the hell if I’m selling.

Show: GRRRAR!

Then Triple H stabs Show in the eye with a pen, then reaches deep into his tights, pulls out a sledgehammer, and cracks into into Show’s AAAAAAACHHOOOOKESLAAAAAM hand! Oh no! I hope Kane can chokeslam with his other hand too, or their finisher is ruined! Hunter signs the contract and hands it off to Coach and leaves it there while Show rolls around on the ground, crying. Kane wanders out.

Kane: Duuuude…what happened to your hand?

Show: Hey! Where the hell were you to help me?

Kane: I was…you know…Lurking in the shadows?

Show: And you couldn’t take a break from that to give me a hand?

Kane: Well, I certainly would say you need a hand about now.

Show: Ha. Ha.

Kane: But seriously, I was running around the women’s locker room with mistletoe taped to my navel.

Show: You are forgiven.

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My Darling Stacy? Dancing with the Stars. Oh, wow! Congrats on getting into Astronaut school, baby!

John Cena v. Shelton Benjamin
For the Chance to Be Last to Enter the Elimidate Chamber

Shelton looks like he could use a good Elimidate right now. He may be losing all his matches, but when it comes to dating shows, there ain’t no elimidatin’ him…NAH! The clock starts running. I wonder if that clock is actually accurate? I could cook a Hot Pocket to this match if it is. Hmm…The crowd is voraciously in favor of WWE RAW Referee Mickey Jay, which I can’t disagree with, really. Welcome back! Sadly, poor John Cena still has to rely on girls and children for all his cheers. He’s like the Hillary Duff of wrestling. Or the new Jeff Hardy. OH! He even does his own emoetry. Freaky. Cena goes for the F-U as the clock expires, but he’s not even holding Shelton, so I don’t see what good that did. After the match, both guys are so pissed off that they can’t get a decent TV match in, that Cena punches Shelton in the balls and gets the win. That’s not very championly. Then Kurt Angle and Daivari run out because one of Daivari’s friends is a Local Indy Worker and they needed a pull apart brawl to get him on the show. Congrats, Jimmy Dean Moldanato. We here at RAW Satire Productions salute you.

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Shelton is on the phone.

Shelton Benjamin: Hell no I didn’t lose. I just got punched in the balls is all. Yeah. No! You know there ain’t no stoppin’ me…NAH! Oh, you better not be makin’ me go through with this storyline. It makes no sense!

The Voice of the Undertaker: Ehem.

Shelton: If it’s Artie Lang in drag, I’m quitting wrestling forever to devote my time to making pillow forts.

Artie Lang: Don’t make me break my foot off in yo ass!

Voice of Taker: Talk about dated and barely recognizable pop culture references….

Shelton: We’re making an angle about soup commercials.

Voice of Taker: Good point. Wasn’t Will Sasso the wrestling fan on Mad TV anyway?

Bret Hart: I hate that guy.

Voice of Taker: Man, get out of here! You’re not supposed to be here!

Bret: You don’t run me!

Vince is watching Bret’s DVD, he’s up to the part where Bret complains that nobody really understands restholds anymore, you know? Matt Striker is taking it all in.

Vince McMahon: So I guess you want to be the RAW GM?

Matt Striker: Mr. McMahon, I’d be a great RAW GM. As a former grade school teacher I’m used to dealing with all the 3rd Grade egos, cliques and classroom politics that are prevalent in today’s RAW locker room.

Vince: I already said NO HEAT SUPERSTARS, you idiot!

Striker: Come on, give me a chance!

Vince: Next week’s main event will be Kurt Angle v. John Cena, what kind of match will they have?

Stiker: Well, we’ve got to protect Cena’s rapidly shrinking soft image among the male audience. His best success this year was the “I Quit” match a few months ago against Bradshaw. I’d say place him in a situation that gives him a similar chance to shine, say in a hardcore match like a First Blood match that would allow him to be exceedingly violent.

Vince: What the hell was that?! What we’re going to do is put them both in pink leotards and have the first ever “Daivari on a Pole” match, where the winner gets Daivari’s…ehem…personal “services” for a month. And then Angle is going to come out and hump the American flag while blowing his nose on a copy of the Constitution. And then Cena is going to come out and rap about feces. What do you think of that?

Striker: It sounds…dumb.

Vince: That’s why you’ll never be GM, now get out of my office!

Now it’s Carlito’s turn to try a Christmas rap. God, I hope it turns out better than Masters’….

I like to spit apples in your face,
I’ll add the Title to my trophy Case!
Carlito is the man for WWE,
I’m the greatest there will ever be!

So Merry Christmas, punks,
Happy New Year, you drunks!
John Cena is a no good fool,
Champ Carlito? Das cool!

Jeff Hardy: I really like your flow there.

Carlito: Aren’t you…like…dead?

Jeff Hardy: Oh snap! I forgot!

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Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Victoria (w/ Torrie Wilson, Boobsie McTitsalot, and Chloe The RAW Satire…Dog…Thing)
For the Chance to Be Last to Enter the Elimidate Chamber

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, this is the greatest match ever booked. Whoever booked this match is crazy go nuts. They deserve, like, a ten million dollar bonus. Victoria spends most of the early part of this match being jealous of Carlito’s hair. Me too. The girls try various distractions, Sicing Chloe on him, punching him the balls, comically hitting him in the face repeatedly with Boobsie’s magic wand, but nothing will bring Carlito down. Finally he hits her with his patented “Roll Up” maneuver, and that’s enough for the win. Best match in at least 12 dozen years. Eat it, TNA! Carlito sets the record for time to beat at 3.1415928 seconds

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Kane v. The Heart Throbs
For the Chance to Be Last to Enter the Elimidate Chamber

Kane wins.

Big Show: What the hell was that?

Kane: I won in, like, two words. I’m the last to enter the Elimidate Chamber.

Big Show: I guess you don’t need me as a partner then, do you?

Kane: So long as the Heart Throbs are the only tag team on RAW I don’t.

Big Show: Man, what are you doing? RAW needed more Kane tonight than ever before and you let us down, man. What do you have to say for yourself?

Kane: Shut up and give that mistletoe back.

Big Show: Man, I barely made it past Alexis, you jerk. It didn’t help that the other women all jobbed to Carlito either.

Kane: Merry Christmas.

Backstage, Vince is still watching the Bret DVD….

Vince McMahon: Soo…boooooring. God, how can anybody stand to watch this guy talk for three hours? I had trouble struggling through Pyrofalkon’s report of him on Byte This. Man, here he goes talking about his goddamn cat again. I swear, the next thing he’ll do is ask us to put out a Best of Smokey DVD boxed set. Hunter will probably love that. Give a copy to Nibblins. Give me a damn grandkid is more like it. Damn Shane and his baby machine! What the hell was I talking about anyway? I should have put out that Screwed DVD. Everybody loves that crap. Could’ve gotten Chris Tian to cut a “Bret Promo” too. Wonder what ever happened to that kid. Haven’t seen him in a while. Maybe he got injured. Anyway…Off to the ring….

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Heeeeeere’s Vince!

Vince McMahon: I was just watching the Bret Hart DVD (available now at Shop.WWE.com) and something struck me. For such an unmemorable champion, we sure do seem to stick on this one dude a lot. I mean…Seriously. The most controversial figure in sports entertainment is Bret Hart?! Shouldn’t it at least be…Boogeyman or something? That guy eats worms people. Bret Hart wouldn’t eat worms. I mean, I guess it’s a little surprising that the guy go as far as he did wearing pink, but you all do remember the part where I screwed him and he went on to become a rambling incoherent mess who constantly jobbed to everybody in WCW, right? Because I hate to have to keep pointing that part out.

Shawn Michaels comes out, and he’s nearly pranceless, in a suit and he looks mad.

Vince: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Shawn Michaels. You know? The guy who swore up and down for six years that he didn’t know anything about what happened at Survivor Series. Let’s see what his lying ass has to say about Bret Hart. Hopefully it has something to do with Jesus and forgiveness. Lay it on me, HBK!

Shawn Michaels: I’m just out here because I seriously can’t believe this is the basis for an angle. Bret sure as hell isn’t coming back, I’m tenuously involved in a WWE Title feud…Vince what the hell are you doing out here?

Vince: Well, uh….

HBK: I mean, we constantly rail against the fans for never forgetting it, and I sure as hell would love to go to Montreal some time without the fans freaking out because Bret Hart is a dick who wouldn’t drop the title to me before he left for WCW, but it’s time to let that go, man. If we keep bringing it up, all they’re going to do is keep chanting about it until the end of time. How the hell many of these people even watched wrestling in ‘97? The only reason anybody remembers is because you and Bret and I keep bringing the goddamn thing up….

Vince: Shawn, I….

HBK: Let’s just forget about it. It’s time we grow up.

Vince: All right. That’s quite enough. You make some good points, Shawn, but it will be a long damn time before I take advice on when to grow up from a balding man who prances around in cut-off shirts and mirror pants like it’s still 1988. I mean seriously, your fancy suit isn’t fooling anybody, Shawn.

HBK: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Vince: You’ve got a match right now!

Shawn pulls off his suit to reveal mirror pants and a tiny cut-off shirt.

HBK: I…oh God!

Vince: Uh huh. See? You’re no different than Bruno, or Warrior, or Ludvig Borga, or Randy By God Orton…You can’t separate fantasy from reality. I have to straddle both worlds and ride them to riches and glory, but you? You’re firmly planted on the “delusional idiot pants” side of the sanity train.

HBK: I can hardly believe that Vince McMahon is calling me out on my questionable grasp on the world around me.

Vince: Well you better bet your sweet sassy molassey I am. So what are you gonna do about it? Do you want me to fire you?! Huh? There’s no competition left!

HBK: Well, TNA….

Vince: Can you do any backflips?

HBK: Maybe…one…if I….

Vince: How do you feel about .8 ratings for the rest of your career?

HBK: Well….

Vince: Do you want to job to Jeff Jarrett?

HBK: Well…uh…no.

Vince: Ha! So what do you have to say for yourself?

HBK: Vince McMahon is the master of sanity and Bret Hart is a no good neener head.

Vince: Somebody play my music!

Vince stomps away, while Shawn pouts.

Next Week: Vince continues mocking wrestlers whose careers are over by showing up at Barry Horowitz’ house and tipping over his Menorah. John Cena and Kurt Angle square off in an epic Verbal Debate match. And nobody knows who My Darling Stacy is when she shows up on network television!

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