Here are Vince and Shane McMahon I wonder what the hell they could be out to talk about. They are followed closely by their security guards Hispanic Matt Hardy, Kanyon, and Super Porky. I thought Porky got fired. Also, for some reason, Bill Nye the Science Guy is standing in the ring behind a black curtain. This is all so  

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I don’t know what’s going on here. I’m pretty sure I fired Super Porky, and what the hell Bill Nye is doing here, I have no clue.

Bill Nye the Science Guy: I make science fun!

Vince: Be that as it may, what I came out here to address is Shaw-

Shane McMahon: Yo, yo! Pops! Check out my frosted temples! Great lookin’ gray, baby! Booyah!

Marissa Mazola: Honey, I really think you should start dying those again.

Clyde Frazier: Oh! Reeeegected!

Keith Fernandez: Sounds like somebody needs Just for Men!

Clyde: Let’s see what happens when he uses new Just for Men!

Shane: No!

Vince: What I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by a commercial-

Keith: You should try Just for Men, Vince!

Clyde: More like Great Looking Gray!

Vince: Shawn Michaels! I know you’re nothing more than a dirty, dirty druggie! Now come out here and pee in a cup!

Here’s Shawn Michaels. Oh, he’s dressed as a boy this week! How novel!

Shawn Michaels: Aren’t we a little late to the game with the Barry Bonds angle? Or are you going to say something about Eddie Guerrero? Listen, I’m not going to pee in some stupid cup. Especially not in front of my good friends Super Porky and Bill Nye the Science Guy! Not even in front of Hispanic Matt Hardy!

Hispanic Matt Hardy: VeeeeeUNO! Por Que, Lita? POR QUE?!?!

Super Porky: Porky?

Vince: You know, there’s an old saying “Pee in the goddamn cup.”

Shawn: Ok. Fine. But this counts as my random drug test for the year. Geez. Weren’t you the one who asked me to start taking drugs and drinking again to make myself more edgy a couple months ago?

Vince: Hahaha, probably! I don’t know where this angle is headed anymore, quite frankly. Pee in a cup for sure though.

Shane: Pee in a cup! You know, pops, there’s an old saying: “Lo, though you fight the masses of the wicked with sword drawn and shield held close to your breast, the errors of humanity sting much sharper and scar much deeper than the cuts of thine enemy ever might!”

Vince: What the hell is that? Shakespeare?

Shane: I just made it up! I got to say breast on TV! Booyah!

Bill Nye: Urine is created when blood is filtered through the kidneys, when-

Shawn: Shut up. I’m done peein’.

Bill Nye: Why, this glass of urine…it looks good enough to drink!

Bill Nye downs the cup of urine.

Vince: I’m…I’m gonna PUKE!

The curtain falls down, and Shawn pulls a beer bottle out of his pants.

Bill Nye: And that’s the bottom line, because The Science Guy said so!

Stunner to Vince! Stunner to Shane! Steve and Shawn pour beer all over Vince and Shane while Super Porky, Kanyon and Hispanic Matt Hardy eat some ham.

Shawn: Hey! There’s an old saying: “What?”

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Vince and Shane are in the shower.

Vince McMahon: Shane, pass the soap. I’m friggin’ tired of beer baths.

Shane McMahon: I don’t have any soap…I thought you had the soap.

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m the Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to wash you!

Shane: Ok. I’m pretty much done with this segment. I’ll see you later in the show.

Vince: Later, Shaner. Boogey, would you mind getting my back?

Dr. The Boogeyman: Yeah. Hold on, let me spit these worms out quick. Hey, so how are you going to get back at Shawn?

Vince: I’m going to book him in a handicap cage match against The Spirit Squad!

Dr. The Boogeyman: Oh. Wonderful.

Vince: What’s wrong with that?

Dr. The Boogeyman: Nothing. Hey, far be it from me to question your decision making process. But seriously? Male cheerleaders? That’s your enforcement?

Vince: It’s better than Super Porky.

Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m the Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to MOCK YOU!

Victoria (w/ Boobsie McTitsalot) v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Is the women’s division really that important that they’ve got, like, 1.5 storylines going right now? It just seems a little overwrought. I’ve seen Boobsie’s Playboy by the way and…meh. She’s got boobs certainly. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to include her one dance. Maybe they should have made a little hologram card or something. Hell what am I saying, nobody is going to buy this issue. Unless they somehow convince me that Jessica Alba is going to be naked in it. Anyway, Torrie Wilson comes down to break Boobsie’s wand and then Trish wins somehow. Then Victoria gets on the mic, but even the sound guy doesn’t care what she has to say. Poor women’s division.

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During the break: Victoria called out Torrie Wilson. There’s a money feud.

Here’s Cowboy Troy who is apparently hosting some kind of Honky Idol competition on USA. He immediately establishes his wrestling street cred by putting over how terrible the women’s division is.

Apparently Mick Foley’s greatest hits include losing to Randy Orton a lot. I liked this concept a lot better when Triple H was donking Naked Mideon on the head in an amusement park parking lot, but I guess you do what you’ve got to do, eh?

Edge and Masters would make an awesome tag team. Just ditching his trademark black pleather petticoat for an apron and a little chef’s hat has done wonders for how seriously I take Edge. This guy is going places. To Lita’s credit, she seems to be digging it. The way to a girl like Lita’s heart is through waffles. Trust me on that. Hold on a second. Goldust? REALLY?! I mean, I like ol’ Trevor as much as the next guy, but wasn’t Edge drawing 9.0 cable ratings or something a few months ago? He was the only guy who could outdraw Spongebob and the best we can think of is a match with Goldust and “Mickles?” Bah. Anyway, Edge wins. Cowboy Troy is not impressed. He’s still probably got an inside shot at the color job on Internet Heat.

After a lengthy Edge video package based entirely around his culinary mastery of the crepe swan, we come back to Edge on the mic.

Edge: At Saturday Night’s Main Event, you will see a return of the greatest talk show ever, The Cutting Edge with ME “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge interviewing Mick Foley to find out what that fat ass had for breakfast. Then I’m going to make a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Omlete! Because THAT’S how I roll!

Lita: That was…Better. Good effort, hon.

Edge: Oh, and Cowboy Troy? Who in the hell are you?

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This week’s WrestleMania Rewind is The Berserker v. British Bulldog match from WrestleMania VIII. Wait a second! That match never happened!

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) is working out on the new Bow Flex Xtreme 2 when she encounters Trish Stratus, backstage.

Trish Stratus: Maria…I don’t think you’re supposed to hump the machine.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): Oh, Trish, I should never have left my Tennessee Lump! Why didn’t anybody tell me that M.C. Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle meant he couldn’t have any casual sex? I just thought that meant that he was straight, but he had a thing for Edge….

Trish: I could see that. Especially with his little apron….

Maria: It’s all a web of lies! He’s not going to Kentucky for training!

Trish: That’s great. Oh, hey, is that Torrie over there laying on her back?

Maria: Yes.

Trish: Nothing strange about that.

In the WWE Hall of Fame this year: Vern Gagne. As a Minnesotan I’m SO sick of this guy. But his son was a hell of a short stop. *rimshot* Ok, maybe I’m the only person who would think that was funny. You people suck.

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It’s time for the big HHH/Cena contract signing. Hopefully Hunter has a rider declaring Cena’s acceptable level of wiggerocity, or all his work over the last few months will have been in vain. Let’s listen in shall we?

Triple H: Yeah, I’ll sign the contract. You know why I’m going to sign the contract? Because I AM THE GAME! And I am THAT DAMN GOOD! Now listen closely Cena, because I’m not going to repeat myself. I’ve wrestled just about everybody at WrestleMania. Wannabe Girlie Rock Stars, Crazy Hobos, Right Wing Nutcases, a Fat Guy, Undertaker, a Guy with a Twelve Year Old Intellect, a Midget…my WrestleMania attendance record has been one string of embarrassments after another. But John, you are the most embarrassing one of all. With your little pumpy shoes and your Spinnin’ World Title…You’re like a really terrible parody of an awful SNL sketch that was meant to parody Malibu’s Most Wanted. Seriously, GROW THE HELL UP! At least for this one match. I’m begging you. The company is counting on me to make this match seem special because all you’re going to do is throw on your rainbow parade and mince around the ring like an Icy Hot Stunta, and I can’t handle that. I’ve got a kid on the way, and you saw the way I handled Batista. I don’t need the extra stress of having to wrestle this at Mania. Nobody will take us seriously. Misterio is more of a threat than you. That guy put his kid up in a match. Just THINK about that.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! THE CHAMP IS HERE! Don’t playa hate, homey! You know you can’t see me!

Triple H: I’m going to close my eyes and wish really hard, and if a sledgehammer appears under the table, I’m going to bash your face in.

Kane: What happened to that guy?

Cena: I think he’s constipated.

Big Show: Hunter? You Ok, man? I got some ExLax in the car. I was going to put in one of Carlito’s apples, but you can have some, I guess.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hey! That wouldn’t be cool. I don’t want the runs!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Has anybody seen Edge? I want to trade soufflés recipes with him!

HHH: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE RING!

Hunter flips over the table and sure enough, he’s willed a sledgehammer into being. He smashes some things for a while before Vince appears on the ol’ Titan Tron.

Vince McMahon: Hey! Hey! Don’t worry about it Hunter. Save your energy for the big six man tag match tonight! Besides, you don’t have to worry about carrying WrestleMania. I’ve got that all covered. Shawn and I are going to tear the house down!

Somehow, this doesn’t inspire much confidence in Hunter.

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Shawn Michaels v. The Spirit Squad (w/ Mitch)
In a Handicap Cage Match

Poor Mitch. I mean, when the company tells you that you can’t even wrestle in garbage matches, you know there’s a problem. They should just put Tomko in a skirt and send him out there. He does all the best cheers anyway. The Spirit Squad manages to make Poetry in Motion even stupider by adding two people to the equation and not getting any higher off the jump than Jeff ever did. I was kind of waiting for Matt to try that with Animal, but he never did. Sigh. Much to everyone’s shock, Michaels comes roaring back and is about to escape after a Superkick, when Shane McMahon slams the door right on his (SURGICALLY REPAIRED~!) back. The Squad convinces the ring crew to get rid of the cage and Shane goes up top. VAN TERMINATOR~! Joey Styles is nonplussed. I could only imagine RVD’s reaction.

Rob Van Dam: Duuude…I can see…like…inside my soul. Yeah! All right!!

Then Shane wipes his shirt all over Shawn’s bloody face. What is it with Shawn’s bodily fluids tonight? Are they trying to clone him or something? Shane starts to celebrate, but stops, sadly realizing that, try as they might, the Spirit Squad is no Mean Street Posse. Where are you when we need you most Pete Gas?

Actually I think I miss Rodney more, now that I think about it.

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Todd Grisham is standing by with Trish Stratus.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Trish Stratus, and Trish, I’ve gotta ask you, why in the hll would you have bothered teaming up with Torrie Wilson at Saturday Night’s Main Event in the first place?

Trish Stratus: I wasn’t really thinking straight, Todd. To tell you the truth, I thought I was going to be teaming up with Al Wilson, but I guess he’s dead.

Grisham: Oh, how I envy him!

Trish: So, hey, do you want to take on Boobsie and Victoria with me on Saturday?

Alexis Laree: What about me? I’m all that’s left of the Women’s Division! You could team with me!

Trish: Look, as much as I love the idea of you turning on me and us having a sexy, sexy feud all the way to WrestleMania, and as much respect as I have for you as a porn starlet, I really can’t fathom a good scenario that would come from having the entire women’s division in one match. That would just be awful.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): What about me?

Grisham: Maria! I love you!

Maria: Oh! Hello! Who are you?

Grisham: She doesn’t remember me! Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Todd Grisham falls on his mic. Todd Grisham has perished.

Maria: Wasn’t he the host of Byte This?

Trish: Alexis, I would love for you to be my partner.

Alexis: Awesome! I can’t wait to turn on you!

Backstage Vince and Shane are having a chat….

Vince McMahon: No! I am not hiring back the Mean Street Posse. I don’t even have Joey Abs’ number anymore, ok? Besides, the Spirit Squad is full of better wrestlers.

Shane McMahon: Dammit, Vince! You never let me have any of the fun!

Vince: Hey, did you hear the big news? I’m bringing J.R. back on Saturday Night’s Main Event. That Joey Styles can’t sell an angle to save his life.

Shane: But Vince…doesn’t your sudden interest in J.R. and his return negate the almost month-long feud you had with him and his colon?

Vince: Uh…Anything can happen in the WWE?

Shane: Booyah! Excuse me while I do this J.R. impersonation, “I’m J.R.! Bah Gawd.”

Vince: I can’t wait!

RVD is backstage talking to his coyote spirit. He’ll have a match…NEXT!

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Rob Van Dam v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Wait! Where’s Mama?! DAMMIT! She was racking me up mad WWE Fantasy points. Now to lose her like this…Sigh. Oh, well. There still ain’t no stoppin’ me…NAH! Ric Flair joins us on commentary, and promises to take Coach’s old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN FAT BOY! WOO! He then proceeds to punctuate everything Lawler says with a WOO. Did you know, that RVD is a former five time (five time, five time, five time, five time) WWE Intercontinental Champion? Always the bridesmaid and never the bride. So sad.

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Shelton and Rob spend a few minutes trying to out jump each other while Flair desperately tries to get over this angle on commentary. Coach and Lawler make this a moot point by shouting over the top of him about Mama‘s shoes. After a few minutes of this, Flair gets up to show Shelton the part of the belt he bit at the pawn shop to show that it’s real gold. RVD wanders over to tell them both about the time he accidentally ate the ECW Television Title, when Shelton rolls him up for the win. Damn, that Shelton Benjamin is an asshole. Flair and Rob can still mock him over his terrible mic skills though. And if RVD is mocking you about your terrible mic skills? You have a problem.

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Triple H comes out and spits water at Joey Styles. That’s what you get for not learning how to announce in the WWE Main Event Style, kid.

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I hope there’s some more ads soon!

Cena and Triple H finally step into the ring together, but Hunter can’t bear it, so he tags out. If he keeps this attitude he probably shouldn’t show up to Mania at all. Those guys are going to have to do twenty minutes, which I bet just make’s Hunter’s skin crawl. After Show slaps Carlito around for a bit, a Pier One brawl erupts, and everybody’s fighting over the last suede couch left on the showroom. Cena starts to run down the ramp to get his hands on a totally phat and blinged out end table, when he trips over his shoe laces. Orton wins! And don’t tell me Triple H didn’t have anything to do with that. The money Hunter hands him is a dead giveaway.

Next Week: Fallout from Saturday Night’s Main Event as Natalie Portman celebrates her win over Fit Finlay. Triple H takes Cena suit shopping. And Vince and Shane dispatch Linda to collect more bodily fluids from Shawn Michaels with…disturbing results.