Less people watched than watch Joey? Come on! I mean, I love announcers as much as anybody, but that doesn’t mean there should be a show about him. Especially since he never made good on his promise of a Rachel/Monica catfight. Caaaaatfiiiiiiiight. Ehem. Sorry.  

So we didn’t break,
The rating scale,
Saturday Night,
Was a tough sale!

That’s all right!
That’s ok!
We jobbed out,
To the NCAA!

Yeah. Did you all check out J.R. though? He doesn’t need to follow the storylines. He’s his OWN MAN! Speaking of people being their own men, here’s Vince and Shane with a veritable phalanx of Local Indy Workers. See if you can pick out which one will be TNA’s star of tomorrow! Oh, silly reader, TNA’s star of tomorrow is Scott Steiner. Instead of Shane’s awesome theme music (seriously, the best in the biz), they’re played out by a jazz band doing “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Isn’t that a New Orleans thing? Oh, Lord. If we’re in Memphis does that mean that Lawler is going to wrestle? Run, Suga Shane! Run to Smackdow…oh wait. Good job. Stay there, then. A literal truckload of confetti and balloons falls onto the crowd in a big clump. Sigh. They fired Super Porky just to pay for that.

Vince McMahon: Hello, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. I hope you enjoy the confetti through the night, as, quite frankly, that was a veritable Super Porky’s worth of confetti right there, you can play with that throughout the night. Keep yourselves amused. Now, I’ve got a big match coming up at Wrestlemania, and, quite frankly, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I mean, I can barely walk, Shawn’s looking to take a nice long vacation, and Shane here has already blown his proverbial big spot load for this month. I haven’t been this afraid of anything since the last time I had sex with Linda. Quite frankly, I don’t know how Brock Lesnar does it.

Brock Lesnar: I love the zombies, Vince McMahon. Plus, I know how to treat a woman right, Vince McMahon. That’s something Vince McMahon will never know, Vince McMahon. HERE COMES THE PAIN, LINDA!

Vince: Be that as it may, I realize that, in many ways, my match will have to carry the whole Mania card, and that worries me to no end, quite frankly.

Shane McMahon: Yo, yo, yo. Don’t worry about a thing pops! I’ve got a plan, that’ll be prettier than my grievously wounded face! Everybody will be lookin’ this way for a Bret Hart run-in, so what do you do? You come in that way with a Spirit Squad member dressed in pink. Booyah! They’ll be so confused they’ll have to admit your genius!

Vince: And what’s more, is that it will be No Holds Barred! Which means that fans will be looking for Zeus and Wachow! I send in The Boogeyman!

Shane: Wachow?

Vince: What? You don’t like it?

Ugh. This segment is making me hungry. Hungry for what? Some APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!

Shane: Yo!

Cena: YO!

Shane: YO!

Cena: YO!

Shane: YO!

Cena: YO!

Shane: YO!

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE! And let me make a little rhyme for you all.

I’m getting booed by a third of the crowd,
But my female fans buy merch and get loud,
Randy Orton had a thong,
I’ve got a bat,
John Cena hardcore, my rhymes be phat!

Triple H says that I don’t play the game,
My promos are bad, my matches are lame,
He says “Kid, you Can’t work
The Main Event Style-uh
Your career is deader than Gomer Pyle!”

I’m all like, “Jim Nabors isn’t dead,
Are you dumb in the head?
You’re thinking of Don Knotts!
Mayberry in the house,
Loadin’ Andy Griffith’s Glocks!”

Then Hunter replies, “TV Land sucks!
It’s no wonder the crowd thinks this feud Rucks!”
Ok, I’m sorry, don’t kill me please,
I made that last Part up,
I couldn’t understand Hunter while I be cuttin’ the cheese!

Main Event of Mania for two years runnin‘,
From the Memphis chicks my cheers comin‘,
Why is it they love me? The answer is clear,
My spinnin’ world title says,
What you already know: THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince: Uh…So…Tonight…We’re going to do Shane and Triple H v. Shawn Michaels and John Cena. That was…good, John. Really…Really…Quite frankly, I’m at a loss for words.

Shane: Booyah! Bring back Pete Gas!

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The McMahons are in the McOffice.

Vince McMahon: I’m NOT friggin’ bringing back Pete Gas, ok. Knock that off.

Shane McMahon: Man, I loved Pete Gas.

Triple H: What are we talking about? Pete Gas?

Vince: No! What we’re talking about is how happy I am that we McMahons are finally getting along. I want the best for this family. No more nursing homes. No more Wrestlemania matches against each other. No more blood feuds over Stephanie. Let’s just be pals.

HHH: Ok. Sure. Whatever.

Vince: And as your pal, I want you to shave off that mustache.

HHH: Go to hell.

Shane: Seriously, dude. Do you realize what a doof you looked like on the Christmas card? And in our family, that’s saying something.

Vince: It’s bad enough you took up the whole back row, fatty.

HHH: Guys…I’m not fat!

Vince: Ok, whatever, Piggy.

HHH: I’m just gaining some sympathy weight is all!

Vince: Stephanie should have married Test. Now there’s a guy who cleaned up well.

Shane: Or Pete Gas!

Vince: Would you shut up about Pete Gas?

9 out of 10 doctors say that more Kane will lead to healthier, fuller lives for you and your family. Think about that. Especially dentists. Ok, the sooner the local production of Annie finishes, the better. I can’t friggin’ get “Tomorrow” out of my head. And I only know, like, two verses, so it’s just those two verses in a constant loop. Carlito would make an awesome Annie, by the way. Carlito tries some flippity flop crap, but he isn’t RVD or Rey, and this isn’t TNA, so Kane puts him in his place with a chokeslam for the win. Kane could kick the crap out of Norris or Diesel. Vin and Kevin Nash. Together.

With guns.

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Carlito is backstage with Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Check this out, man. “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I’ll love ya, Tomorrow! Because Wrestlemania is only 13 days awaaaaaaaaay!”

Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters: That’s great. If Wrestlemania had a fruity Broadway theme this year, you’d be number one. Too bad we wasted that one on the Rumble last year, huh?

Carlito: What the hell is this year’s theme. I don’t get it, in all the video promos it just looks like it’s raining on us. So this year’s theme is, “It sure is rainy in Chicago?”

Masters: Nah. It’s “awkward Peter Gabriel moments.” Take a look.

The Following Wrestlemania Commercial has been rated PG:

Alexis Laree: Trish? Are you up there? Here…Let me turn on my JVC Kaboom Box!

Love. I get so lost, sometimes…
Days pass, and this emptiness fills my heart….

Abe Orton: Hey, whatcha doin’? Holding up a stereo in front of Trish’s house?

Alexis: Sigh…I’m trying to show her with this meaningless, quasi-romantic gesture that we were meant to be.

Without a noise, without my pride…
I reach out from the inside….

Abe: How’s that working out?

Alexis: She took the pin. I gave her my heart, and she took the pin!!

Abe: That sucks. So I heard you guys were pregnant….

In your eyes….

Alexis: No, not really.

Abe: Damn.

Wrestlemania 22! April 2 2006!

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Ric Flair v. Rob Van Dam v. Shelton Benjamin
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Damn. I guess I should probably cut Mama from Team RAW Satire. She’ll probably do ok, though. Dallas needs a feisty team mama to deal with T.O. RVD flips over the ropes, knocking over Flair and Shelton. See Carlito? He can do that. That’s all that he can do, though. Well, that and build walls. Wall. Build wall. Shelton has a big ass pimple in the middle of his chest that’s really messing with my head. Chop it, Naitch! Flair begs off. Sigh. While Flair and Shelton trade chops in the ring, Rob jumps out onto nothing in particular. And with that, it’s time for a commercial break!

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We come back for more patented crazy go nuts WWE action, as Shelton and Rob trade armbars while Flair begs off in the corner. Flair flops, so Rob decides to abandon his armbar sequence and hit the Rolling Thunder. Ah, but that crafty Triple Naitch was playing possum, as he rolls out of harm’s way and locks in the Figure Four! Now that’s how you take somebody’s old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boy! WOO! However, in the midst of the move, Shelton wanders back over and pins them both. Seriously, that’s the best finish ever. No foolin’. Shelon retains the title, just going to show, that there ain’t no stoppin’ him…NAH!

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Here’s fatty icon Mick Foley. What could he possibly have to say?

Mick Foley: Hi everyone. As you may or may not know, depending on the level of attention you devote to this show, I am currently feuding with Edge, who, in a desperate attempt to salvage his title win into something remotely meaningful, repackaged himself as the “Innovator of Breakfast.” Now, I know Edge may not be the most popular person in the entire world, but he’s got me thinking. What he’s been saying is true. I have been known to have a Pop Tart or seven in my day, and more often than not I’m not going to be one to turn down a box of free donuts. Hence I’ve become the man you see before you today, a run down fatty. But Edge has changed all that. It may not be his innovation that’s gotten me to see the light, but his words ring true, certainly. Part of a “balanced breakfast.” I’ve been wrong all these years! My breakfast needs balance! It may have taken Edge making a bananas foster omlete and me spilling a bag of Cheerios all over the ring, but I’ve finally gotten the message. Which is why I won’t be wrestling as Mick Foley next Sunday…no, no! I’ll be wrestling as my greatest alter ego, Captain Crunch! Crunch crunch!

Lita: Mick, I really do hate to be the gimmick police here, but you weren’t ever Captain Crunch. I’m pretty sure that’s Chris Tian. And we all know what happened to him.

Foley: Really? Geez. I swear I can remember, like, a three month period in WCW where I was Captain Crunch. It was right after Cap’n Jack Foley…I was still feuding with Vader…and I thought he was one of the Soggies because he lived in his white fortress on the ocean….

Lita: Nope, you pretty much made all of that up just now.

Foley: Well, damn. I suppose I could bring back Cactus Jack…That’s always a good one.

Lita: Yeah…hey, whatever. I just think that one’s kind of lost it’s zing too after not amounting to more than Mick Foley wearing an old Cactus Jack shirt instead of a flannel vest the last few times.

Foley: True that. So where is Edge anyway?

Lita: Oh, he’ll be coming in a couple minutes to try to sneak attack you.

Lita picks some powdered sugar out of Mick’s beard. Sure enough, Edge hops the barricade mere moments later, only to find his girlfriend deepthroating Mick’s probing hand. Confused, and a little grossed out, Edge bails on the segment.

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Nice to see Chloe finally got the number for Shawn Michaels’ tailor. About five seconds into the match, everybody stops so that we can watch Boobsie McTitsalot come down to the ring carried by the Local Indy Security Force on a raft made out of unsold copies of her Playboy. Nice to see they found a use for the Dicks’ outfits though. I think the Dicks missed their calling as a foil in ECW for the Dudleys. I could only imagine the matches Dances With Dudley could have had with Long Dong Dick. Maybe in New Japan. While all of this is going on Victoria hits the Widow’s Peak on Torrie for the only offensive maneuver of the entire match for the win. Afterwards, Boobsie throws pillows at them both. She hates women’s wrestling.

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Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Given the lack of original ingredients lately, the chairman has ordered this be a pillow challenge. The pillows that Boobsie threw into the ring during the last segment? That’s the special ingredient this week.

Fukui: That’s ridiculous! You can’t expect a man to eat a pillow! I don’t care how they prepare it.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Oh, you’d be surprised. I had a pillow roast this one time, and it was AMAZING! Oh, gosh, it was positively orgasmic.

Fukui: You can’t be serious. This is just a lame attempt at making good on the pointlessness of the last segment. Look, even the Iron Chef and the challenger aren’t sure what to do.

Hatori: Hey, your mom wasn’t complaining when I had her face down in a pile of pillows last night.

Fukui: Would you stop it?

Ohta: Fukui-san?

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The Iron Chef has been disqualified for calling his opponent a fatty. The challenger is too busy sobbing and chewing on goose down to comment. I guess this was a waste of your time. Sorry.

Fukui: I hope to crap we get some REAL ingredients next week. Like…leeks or something. Geez. We’ll see you then when we enter kitchen stadium and find out who will reign supreme!

Hatori: According to your mom, it’s me!

Fukui: Don’t make me stab you!

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I don’t know if I should be proud or not that I’m the #2 search result on Google for “Dr. Yukio Hatori.”

In any event, Alexis Laree is standing in the ring, and while she isn’t reenacting scenes from Say Anything, she IS standing in the ring with a big box. Also there’s a large present next to her. I’m just saying. Have you ever seen that girl’s naked pictures? That thing is huge. Well, anyway, I hope Abdullah the Butcher isn’t in there. Maybe it’ll be a puppy, and then Show can run back out and attack Trish. Oh, Lord, I just hope it’s not Boobsie doing a dance. Seriously, though, how much do you want to bet that’s the same prop Boobsie used with wrapping paper around it?

Alexis Laree: I know what you’re all thinking, and no, this isn’t Abdullah the Butcher, or a puppy, and it sure as hell isn’t Boobsie. No, I’m smarter than that! It isn’t Raven either, by the way. Sadly. Nope. Pull up the box.

It’s…Ashley? In a cast no less. That’s hot.

Alexis: Yeah, that’s right! Remember Ashley? That’s right, the “other” girl on the roster, whose leg I shattered personally, and then left to sit at ringside in horrible agony? Well, nobody went to claim her at the lost and found, so I picked her up! And with Torrie in her own pillowful angle, she’s Trish’s defacto best friend! So that means that if I kick the crap out of her, it’ll affect Trish on some indescribable emotion level! So she’s my present to myself for getting a Wrestlemania paycheck in my first year with the company! Good on me!

Trish comes out, trying for all the world to care about the predicament her best friend that she forgot all about is in. Oh, gosh. She’s just sooooo cute when she’s trying to get people to care about the women’s division!

Alexis: What do you say, Trish? Huh? Am I hardcore now? Am I hardcore now?!

Sensing that this may be the only chance they get to build the Wrestlemania match, Trish runs into the ring, and tries to free Ashley, who isn’t going anywhere with that honking cast on her leg, but whatever. Alexis, of course isn’t having any of it, so Trish punches her drawing blood. OOOH! Blood in a women’s angle! Taboo! Alexis hits the Raven Effect on Trish. Then she makes out with Trish’s unconscious body and bleeds all the hell over her. I sure hope Alexis hasn’t been having sex with Cowboy Bob Orton! Alexis slides out of the ring. Poor Ashley is still all tied up. Best women’s angle ever! No doubt.

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Seriously, though, the only way to end this angle is for Ashley to turn on Trish and be lesbians with Alexis. It’s like some kind of weird version of the Raven/Dreamer feud, only Stevie Richards is a moderately attractive lesbian and Beulah can be that ugly dude Trish was dating for two weeks.

Holy crap, I’m the best booker ever!

EVER!

In the Hall of Fame this year? The Blackjacks. So Bradshaw is in the Hall of Fame now? Ugh. We’ll never hear the end of it.

Did anybody else notice that Angle looked like a stick figure on Saturday? That guy lost, like, 200 pounds in three days.

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I guess they’re going to have to wrestle around Ashley? Is it so wrong that my favorite worker in the whole match is Shane? It’s nice to see the McMahon family finally all getting along though. It’s important that the little McMahons learn some solidarity while they’re growing up or they’ll end up feuding at Wrestlemania XLI. Wouldn’t it be funny if Hunter and Steph had a girl? They wouldn’t even know what to do with that kid. Stick her in the women’s division? Hahahahaha! Maybe she could marry Teddy Hart. If that happens I SO want to be invited to that wedding. Vince kicks Cena out of the match for punching with a closed fist, which comes as a shock to me. Can we count that as another move Cena knows or not?

Come on, now. This is the same Shawn Michaels who took on the Spirit Squad by himself! Surely he can take on a few pesky McMahons! Hunter crotches him on the ring post while Shane prances around the ring. I know he’s in pain now, but you have know know Michaels knows that he has to win against Vince at Mania, because he is nothing without the prance. It’s a sad fact, but a true fact. Shawn uses the power of Jesus to kip up, but Shane and Hunter overwhelm him. However, the WWE has a resident superhero for situations like this, and no it isn’t Rosey! Cena hits the ring and clears out Hunter and Shane and then the Indy Workers, Ashley, the cotton candy salesmen, some of the Memphis Grizzlies, WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton, the remarkably not on fire Lillian Garcia, a pair of non-avian flu infected Ducks, and also the whole jazz band from earlier. Vince is not thrilled.

Vince McMahon: Cena? You think you can upstage me on MY Show? Well, quite frankly, I want to wrestle you next week so I can get a face pop. Hahahaha…suck on that one white boy!

Next Week: Poor Ashley is still tied up in her little chair while Trish waxes philosophical to her about the state of women’s wrestling in WWE. Carlito and Chris Masters finally get on the same page, unfortunately it’s in the glossary. And Vince McMahon wins the Spinnin’ World Title. Vince McMahon is GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

The DX Express rolls towards Wrestlemania. Inside, our heroes, Hunter, Stephanie, Trish, Rob, and Ricy hum happy tunes. Sadly, as they travel along a dirt road, the bus blows a tire.

Rob: Like, what happened?

Hunter: We blew a tire. Goddammit. Probably because fatty here was dragging us down.

Trish: Look, I don’t know why I have to be the ugly fat chick. We have a perfectly good ugly fat chick right here.

Stephanie: I’m not fat, I’m pregnant. And Daphne is supposed to be in love with Fred, and I love my Hunterkins.

Hunter: Just shut up and hand me my sledgehammer. I’ll go fix that tire.

Rob: Duuuude, I don’t think that’s how you fix a tire.

Hunter: Shut up.

Old Man McMahon: You children seem to be lost!

Hunter: We’re not lost. We’re just delayed. We blew a damn tire because fatty here….

Trish: Shut it!

Old Man McMahon: Well, I’ll cut you a deal, kids. You help me out, and I’ll have some of my friends help you out. I know the Briscoe Brothers from the Body Shop in town….

Ricy: Ruh-Ro! What do we have to do?!

Vince: There’s a haunted Meth Lab on the other side of town! Check it out for an old man, won’t you please?

Trish: This is obviously some kind of stupid trap.

Hunter: Shut up. I’m the group leader and I say we go!

Stephanie: That’s my Huntercakes!

Rob: A haunted Meth lab? That sounds scary…and delicious!

The gang wanders down the street and into the industrial building that houses the lab….

Hunter: All right, gang, let’s split up. Rob, Naitch, you guys check the kitchen. Trish, you check the spooky basement. Steph and I will find the bedroom for a little…investigating if you know what I mean.

Trish: That’s the stupidest thing ever. Why should I have to be alone checking the spooky basement?

Stephanie: Because nobody likes you.

Trish: Whatever. See you later, nerds.

In the kitchen….

Rob: Like, take a look at this, Ricy! I found a whole pile of cookies!

Ricy: To be the man, you’ve gotta eat with the man! And I’m the man! Ricy Ricy WOO!

Rob: Uh…Aren’t you a dog?

Ricy: WOO!

In the spooky basement….

Trish: Stupid ass crap…sending me down here alone…Hey, look. A meth lab. Nothing unusual about tha…

Trish trips over a dead body.

Trish: Oh no! My glasses! I’ve lost my glasses! Wait a minute, I don’t even wear glasses. Oh, hello, Mr. Dead Body. Jinkies.

In the bedroom….

Hunter: Have you ever considered experimenting with a large overly muscular woman?

Stephanie: Gross.

Hunter: I was just asking….

Stephanie: Ooooh, Hunterwunter! I love it when you rub my calves like that.

Hunter: I ain’t rubbin’ nobody’s calves, lady.

Stephanie: Then who….

Hunter and Stephanie: IT’S THE UNDERTAKER!

Taker chases them out of the room.

To be continued….