(Opening Credits)

Here’s Edge out to chat with us, and thankfully, he’s brought along Lita and her boobs, so this shouldn’t be too boring. Then again, we’re probably also going to get Hunter and Cena in this segment, so don’t get your hopes too far up either.  

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: If you’ve been following along with all our hot behind the scenes action on WWE Mobile, you’ll know that the big announcement this week is that Ric Flair is taking time off after one of Totally Not Jamal’s toenails pierced his man boobs. There was saline everywhere. Sadly, this means no Triple Naitch for the next three to six weeks.

Lita: Uh…babe, what about the Backlash title match?

Edge: Huh?

Lita: The one you’re in?

Edge: Oh…yeah…I’m facing Triple H and John Cena. Sigh. Nothin’ but heels. That’s going to be the worst main event ever. Worse than the time I tried to develop Eggs ‘N’ Bacon cereal.

Lita: I actually kind of liked that.

Edge: You would.

Lita: And what’s that supposed to mean?

Edge: Never mind, just wait until I hit you all with my next project! One that is sure to revolutionize the meal of breakfast as we know it! I’ve taken the best properties of pie crust, mixed with the not particularly apple-like flavoring of Apple Jacks, mixed it in a blender, preheated it to 450 degrees, and let it simmer for 10 to 15 minutes. I like to call it….

Lita: Don’t tell me….

APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Thank you for the introduction, Edge! You’re right! The Champ IS Here!

Edge: I didn’t say anything abo-

Cena: I know not everybody here in Milwaukee is down with the Chain Gang, but that’s ok, you know why? Because it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve got my spinny title, and I’ve got my squeelin’ preteens, and I’ll be damned if that’s not enough to keep me the champion at least until Two Night Stand, so what the hell do I care what everybody else in this arena is thinking? I’m getting paid, and I’m getting laid, baby. Hahahaha!

Edge: It’s a wonder you’re not still over. Listen, take your teen girl squad and shove them straight up your ass, ok, buddy? I’m sick and tired every week of us coming out here and having to try to rationalize that the only one of us that gets any kind of face reaction is Hunter. That doesn’t make any sense. Five months ago, a guy would have been lynched for saying Hunter should be the champion, now people are throwing friggin’ parades every time he mentions taking that goddamn Spinny ass crap away from you. For friggin’ once, can I get a witness on this? Is everybody tired of all the backpedaling yet?

Cena: You can’t see me!

Here’s Triple H.

Triple H: Thanks for the introduction, John. Because just like Mary Magdalene on Easter morning, you can see the place where I lay, but you can’t see me! Because I AM the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords, and thou shalt have no other champions before me!

Cena: Sounds like somebody’s achin’ to play with my rosary beads!

HHH: All I’m saying, John, is that I’ve got something you don’t, and that’s years of cache built up with fans all over the place. Hell, you’ve heard it lately, I’m still working off my goddamn DX heat, I haven’t even started burning that McMahon-Helmsley era stuff. I could come out here with Nibblins to a Sarah McLaughlin cover of “The Game” and a pink leotard with the words “Well Placed Table Cloth” on them and a handlebar mustache, and these idiots would think that it was the coolest thing in the entire world. Hell, I’ve been slowly turning into Mantaur and nobody’s even noticed! Even the stupid Internet fans are still whacking off to my matches secretly. That’s the kind of rep I’ve got. You? What have you got to fall back on? Your pairing with Bull Buchanon? Mentioning John Ritter in a promo about the Undertaker? That’s only gonna get you so far, kid.

Cena: Yeah? Well, let’s see what the crowd thinks about this? Which of these two do you want to be WWE Champion?

Crowd: Triple H! Triple H!

HHH: And what shall be done with John Cena who is called the Champ?

Crowd: Crucify him! Crucify him!

HHH: Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?

Crowd: Ok…Tie him to a symbol then!

Cena: Aw crap.

Edge: I hate to interrupt, but can this segment BE any stupider? Oh whoopdydoo let’s point out all our own character flaws so that the fans care even LESS about us. Thank God everybody sees me as a step below you two nimwits so that I can escape the public character castigation that you two are so fond of.

HHH: Shut the hell up, would you? Mr. Alter Bridge, the band so lame that friggin’ Scott Stapp was too hardcore for them. Look, duder, I’m sure we’d all be very impressed that you beat Mick Foley except for the fact that everybody in that locker room has beaten Mick Foley. I have, Lita has, hell I think Rob Conway beat him at a house show or something. Lord. Go make me some Pop Tarts or something.

Edge: I officially plain give up on this feud.

HHH: Nah, stick around, I want to see what saggy bags over there wears to our main event match. Just kidding, hon, you look fabulous. Anyway, here’s the deal, I just got off the phone with my sugar daddy Vince, and he booked a match for John and I here to take on The Innovator of Brunch in a handicap match. Wait…damn, that means you two will be fighting me in a handicap match next week. Crap. Ah, screw it, I’m going over both of you anyway.

Edge leaves in a huff over the flagrant violations of kayfabe, while Cena gives Hunter a playful slap across the face for being so damn precocious.

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WWE MOBILE NEWS ALERT: Tyson Tomko Released!

When reached for comment, Tomko had this to say:

Tyson Tomko: ….

More on this breaking story as it develops!

BATTLE OF THE ROBS~! During the break, Conway yelled at Hunter for downplaying his awesome house show victory streak, but Hunter just punched him in the nose. There ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton Benjamin from being on commentary…NAH! At least his acting has improved from third grade school play to fourth grade school play. Keep at it Shelton, you’re almost to Children’s Theater Production levels! The story of the match is…uh…that Rob Van Dam is getting pushed and Rob Conway isn’t. So Rob wins. Er…Rob Van Dam, that is.

Rob Van Dam: Keep playing my music so that nobody notices that this promo sucks!

Steve Romero: Hi, Steve Romero here and I’m standing by with Rob Van Dam, Rob-

RVD: Woah, Todd! I’m digging the new look, dude.

Romero: I’m not Todd Grisham, I’m Steve Romero. From Internet Velocity?

RVD: Woah! What did you do with the Toddster?

Romero: I’m afraid Todd Grisham passed away. Apparently he went to a charity sled dog race and covered himself in beef jerky.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Shelton Benjamin: Speaking of beef jerky, I’d like to challenge you to a match at Backlash for that briefcase. I need some place to store my undies now that Mama left me.

RVD: No way, dude! I keep all my Twinkies in here! How about I challenge you for that belt so that I can start wearing pants again! Yeah! All right!!

Shelton: I forgot my next line.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) is standing by with Alexis Laree…

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): Maria Punk neep Ten Lease on Life, here and I’m standing by with new WWE Women’s champion Alexis Laree. Alexis, I’ve noticed lately that you’ve been dressing a lot like Trish Stratus is that a shout out to your former husband Raven or what?

Alexis Laree: Nope, I just woke up after Wrestlemania, and asked myself “What would make a former porn star look even more slutty?” and the first thing that popped into my head, honestly, was “dress like Trish Stratus.” Can’t get much sluttier than that, Maria.

Maria: I totally get that, Lexus. So do you want to have a WWE Women’s Title match here tonight on Internet Heat?

Alexis: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Maria: You heard it here first, folks! Now back to my main guy, Todd Grisham at ringside!

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Steve Romero is backstage with Kane.

Steve Romero: Steve Romero here, and I’m standing by with Kane. Now, Kane, I know what everyone out there is thinking, this year’s Oscars were fine and all, but the one thing they needed was a little more Kane, am I right? 3-6 Mafia? Whatever. How about the Kane Army! Let’s roll a clip of your new movie See No Evil which comes out May 19!

Kane: Man, I wish it was still I Scream Man. Hey, where the hell is Todd?

Romero: Sadly, he was killed yesterday when children attending a neighbor’s birthday party mistook him for a festive piñata and beat him senseless.

Clips of I Scre…I mean See No Evil play. Looks like a cross between Hostel and Ernest Goes to Jail. Back to Steve Romero….

Steve Romero: Kane disappeared, and I don’t know where to find him because I’m too lazy to go look.

The camera pans 45 degrees starboard to find Kane huddled on the floor.

Voice of Kane: It’s all happening again! You can’t stop it! Katie Vick? Isaac Yankem? They’re nothing compared to the horrors you’ll experience May 19! Soon they’ll all know! The fire still burns!

Kane: Even I think that was kind of a lame catchphrase.

Big Show: Who are we talking to? The Wall? The Wall is dead, man.

Kane: Show, do you ever feel the need to provide a running voiceover for your mental collapses, and then give tapes of them to Kevin Dunn to play during your segments?

Show: Only all the friggin’ time! In fact….

Voice of Show: What is this guy? Nuts? Man, I could really go for some nuts right now. A big jar of peanuts spread over a cheese pizza. Mmm…With pickle relish. Wait…Why the hell am I still tagging with this guy? He’s a looney bin! I mean voicing over your own segments? That’s preposterous! What wouldn’t be preposterous is a giant jelly doughnut. Filled with butter. Oh God, I’m STARVING!

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WWE MOBILE ALERT: Randy Orton Suspended for 60 Days!

When Reached for Comment, Orton had this to say:

Randy Orton: It’s like I told the guy at the desk! I’m not going to pay for a room that I finished sleeping in before I’d started! This is all just part of the consparancy to hold me down! I bet Takerster didn’t have to pay for his womb! He probably got copped! And I had nothing to do with that flower pot breaking! It fell over on its own violation! Honest!

More on this breaking story as it develops!

The Spirit Squad (w/ Kenny, Mikey, and Mitch) v. Big Show and Kane
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

The Spirit Squad is acting under Free Bird rules, which means that any two members of the squad can defend the titles at any time. Except Mitch. Poor Mitch. I wish evil disembodied Kane Voice were doing the commentary on this match instead. Nothing against the three headed monster of Joey, Jerry, and Coachy but, Kane voice calls a better match than any of them. “He won’t see this move coming! You’re getting tired! You should tag out to Show! Yes, that’s what you want.” Kane tags out to Show, and he’s a Waffle House afire! The Spirit Squad flings themselves outside to regroup.

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When we come back, the Squad is firmly in control, because during the break they transformed into a giant ten foot tall male cheerleader and hit Show with a big boot before disassembling again to continue the match. You don’t know what you’re missing on Unlimited, folks. If they’re going to do a Spirit Squad, they should get together with Best Buy and make a Geek Squad. Get Eugene and Jamison and Mike Rotunda in there, and call it a day. Seriously, I don’t know why I’m not booking this. Eventually, Kane just goes crazy and starts chucking chairs at Mitch, which is enough for WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton to call for the bell. Poor Mitch. Kane choke slams Patton. Show takes umbrage to Kane’s disregard for both the laws of logic and of authority, but Kane just pokes him in the eye and throws him through the roof. Yeah. In your face laws of physics!

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WWE MOBILE ALERT: World Heavyweight Champion Lost in Parking Lot!

Diminutive WWE World Champion Rey Misterio Jr. was lost in a San Diego area Wal-Mart Parking lot for nearly a half hour yesterday, WWE officials said. He was later captured by Tom Henaman, 94, a Wal-Mart greeter on his lunch break, and taken to the Lost Children desk where he was claimed by his son Dominic.

Reached for comment, Mr. Misterio had this to say:

Rey Misterio Jr.: I don’t know what happened. I could’ve sworn we parked over by the Applebees.

Charges filed by Wal-Mart accusing Misterio of stealing the popular “Lucha Kidz Mask and Belt Set” were later dropped. More on this breaking story as it develops!

Steve Romero is backstage with John Cena.

Steve Romero: Steve Romero here, and I’m backstage with John Cena, and John, I’ve got to ask you, how do you think you and Triple H will coexist tonight?

John Cena: Forget that, where’s Todd?

Romero: Sadly, Todd Grisham passed away last night after a long battle with a Bengal tiger.

Cena: Damn. That’s too bad, because your questions suck.

Romero: Ok, I admit it. I killed Todd Grisham with a lead pipe in the Ball Room. I was sick of his stupid questions, and his always nagging on you guys about how much your storylines sucked and all that. If I wanted to hear that, I’d read a message board. I want this show to be free and nice and clean and happy. I want to escape from reality for two hours, not bludgeoned over the head with it much as I did Grisham’s head with a lead pipe.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with my would be assailant Steve Romero and John Cena, and guys, I have to ask you, why in the hell would you and Triple H agree to team up tonight, John? You’re supposed to be mortal enemies, and I don’t care HOW much you hate Edge, it’s certainly not enough to suddenly be pals!

Romero: DIE!

Steve Romero grabs the Spinnin’ World Title and uses it to saw Todd Grisham’s head off. Todd Grisham has fallen. John Cena steals back his belt and slowly backs out of the room.

Vince and Shane McMahon are at Church. Nice to see them celebrating Holy Week.

Vince McMahon: Holy cow, Shane. Look at this racket they’ve got going on. Drawing billions of dollars every year, and they don’t even need new storylines. This book has been packing them in for centuries. Why the hell aren’t we making this much bank off of 24/7. I blame you!

Shane McMahon: Why the hell…oops…I mean, why the heck are we even here, dad? You don’t even like church.

Vince: I came to find Shawn’s partner.

Reverend Devon 3-D: Hello, Brothers, and welcome to the First Church of McMahon. I am Reverend Devon, and this is my assistant Deacon Davidson. Please, let us know if you need anything.

Deacon Davidson: I’ve got a BOX! Put money in HIM! Feed my BOX!

Reverend Devon: Please, Deacon, these men are our guests. Let them visit, then, if they so choose, they can donate before they go.

Vince: Nice name for this place. I like it. Classy. I’m looking for a man

Reverend Devon: There are many men here. Does this man have a name? Surely you’re not looking for Brother Mordecai?

Shane: God no…Sorry…Gosh no. We’re looking for Jesus…Jehovah…The Lord Almighty?

Deacon Dave: The King of KINGS!

Shane: No, no. I know where he is.

Jesus: Vince? Shane? I told you guys never to call on me here! Jesus! You can’t just come barging into my work! Look, I already agreed to your little match up, so leave me alone! This is a big week, there’s a lot of planning to do. Oy! We haven’t even started on the Communal wine for Maundy Thursday. Somebody keeps coming in here and spitting all the water out before I can change it!

Vince: Monday Thursday?

Shane: Sorry your…Christlyness. We just wanted to-

Vince: I’ll handle this! Quite frankly, Holy One, if that’s your real name, I don’t cotton well to your Commandments or your Psalms or whatever, and at Backlash, I’m going to beat the fear of God into you.

Jesus: ….

Shane: Sorry. Sorry. Please don’t curse me or my children!

Jesus: Eh…don’t worry, you’re the only one I can stand.

Deacon Dave: Give me a TWENTY!

Reverend Devon: OH MY BROTHER, TESTIFY!

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It’s funny how Lillian can pronounce Armondo’s name perfectly, and then turn around and screw up Test. Totally Not Jamal is rockin’ some Milwaukee Brewers face paint for the hometown crowd tonight. Too bad they couldn’t have stayed undefeated so he could’ve gotten some heat out of the deal. Totally Not Jamal runs through his requisite “Fat Samoan” offense, which immediately makes him my new favorite Internet Heat wrestler. Unfortunately, Mr. Spandex is no match for that or the Wet Willy submission finisher. Dig the 3 Minute Warning hair on Jamal though. Oops. I mean Not Jamal. Totally.

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WWE MOBILE UPDATE: Former WWE Superstar Jamal not spotted at RAW.

There were no reports of former WWE Superstar Jamal backstage at this week’s RAW. When reached for comment, former WWE Superstar Rosey had this to say:

Rosey: Please hire me back! What did I do wrong?! I’ll even be a crazy eyed headhunter if that’s what you all want! Please!

There will probably not be any updates as this story unfolds!

Carlito Caribbean Cool is out. I wonder what he has to say!

Carlito Caribbean Cool: I bet you’re all wondering what I have to say, huh? After all, last week I challenged Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters to a duel in kitchen stadium at Backlash. I mean, I hung out with that guy for so long, I started losing my hair and not being cool and that’s…not cool? So instead I was all like OMG SHOCKING SWERVE~! And I hit him with an apple and it was Crazy Go Nuts face turn! Yeah.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: You must think you’re pretty cool attacking a chef from behind like that, huh? Well let me tell you something, bucko, cheaters never win! You cheated me out of the WWE Title at New Years Revolution, out of a title shot at the Royal Rumble and o-

Carlito: Dude, you remember those friggin’ things? That was like, months ago. You’re some kind of wrestling savant. You should join the Geek Squad with Eugene and IRS!

Masters: They don’t have any shirts in my size. Anyway, how about an Iron Chef Challenge, right here and now! Chex Mix battle!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Chex Mix Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fuk-

Carlito: Give me that please.

Carlito grabs the mic and hits Masters in the face with it, knocking him into a vat of Chex pudding.

Carlito: Tune in next week when we find out who will reign supreme? Now that’s cool.

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WWE MOBILE UPDATE: WWE Rehires Rosey

The WWE Mobile staff has just learned that WWE has come to terms on a contract with former star Rosey. Expect to see him debut alongside fellow Samoan the mysterious Totally Not Jamal within the next few weeks. When reached for comment, WWE Hall of Famer Mean Gene Oakerlund had this to say:

Mean Gene Oakerlund: WWE to sign Rosey? Sunny to TNA? Plus, find out which ECW superstar is currently stockpiling yellow cakes in strange places, the answer may shock you! All this on my hotline, call 1-900-555-1000 or text the word “meanwhoobygodgene” to number 8888.

More on this story as it develops!

The announcers enjoy a Subway sandwich and wash it down with a nice Surge. Upon being told that the beverage went out of production in 2001, the segment comes to an abrupt end.

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WWE MOBILE UPDATE: WWE Fires Rosey.

WWE Mobile has learned that WWE and RAW Superstar Rosey have come to terms on a release. WWE and WWE Mobile wish Rosey the best in his future endeavors. Reached for comment, Rosey’s friend and former tag partner Suga Shane Helms had this to say:

Suga Shane Helms: He broke my goddamn nose! Benoit! I thought he was supposed to be a safe worker! I missed Wrestlemania because of his careless ass. Agh…not that they would have done anything with me anyway.

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

A somber Maria wears a “GT” armband in memory of her fallen comrade…uh…Grisham Todd. We’ll miss you, GT. After the ladies get the requisite “chicks rollin’ around on the mat” portion of the match out of the way, Alexis kicks Maria in the head and that’s pretty much that. What would CM say? He’d probably shoot you with his machine gun. After the match, things get really strange when Trish Stratus comes out dressed like Alexis. Alexis is kind of creeped out at the thought of making out with herself, but she does it anyway, because really, when it comes down to it, we all would.

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Couldn’t Edge just tag in Lita? Hunter now has two separate theme songs, which is kind of wankerific of him, but then again, I think it’s awesome, because I know when “King of Kings” plays? I can zone out for about fifteen minutes. Cena sadly only has one song and it’s APPLE DOUGH. There’s some back and forth about who is going to start this match, and it’s finally decided that Cena is in against WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda. However, that is shortly ended when Triple H and Edge tag in. They go back and forth for a while before Cena sees his opportunity to make the big face tag in. He comes in a house of fire, he delivers Edge to be hit with the Pedigree, he hits perennial antagonist Triple H with an FU and he locks in the STFU on Edge for the tap out much to the delight of…his Teen Girl Squad. Sigh. Sorry John. Maybe next week.

Next Week: John Cena gets booed by everyone but his Teen Girl Squad. The demons of Kane’s future continue to haunt him when they send him multiple mysterious fruit baskets. And fall out from the huge Grisham/Romero trade continues as WWE Smackdown General Manager Theodore Long works hard to figure out who in the hell made that deal!