Vince McMahon is making his way down to the ring. What could he possibly have to say? I know this is where I’d usually say “let’s find out!” but part of me doesn’t care. Damn inevitability!

Vince McMahon: I know what you’re all thinking. You don’t care what I have to say, and quite frankly, I can’t blame you. I mean, after all, I’m currently feuding with God. That hardly makes any sense. The only thing that makes less sense, is why I’m still feuding with Shawn Michaels. Look at the Titan Tron if you would please.

A picture depicting all the popes throughout history appears on the screen.

Vince: Ok, I’ve been working on this one for weeks. I found Joan and I found Tyrannus and I even found Pope Jean Claude XVII, but where the hell is Waldo? You’d think that little stocking cap would show up against those big old pope hats, but so far…nothin’. Wait…no…That’s just Van Halen…Ok, so that’s one mystery we couldn’t solve, what about this one?

The screen gets fuzzy.

Vince: Ok, now this one, stare really hard at the center and they say if you stare at it long enough, it turns into the Virgin Mary. Anybody see that?

Crowd: Shut up, Tweezer Head!

Vince: That really hurts, you guys. Aw man…I was going to come out here and talk about how awesome you were, and how I wanted to invite you all to join my totally awesome church where you get to wear funny hats and eat candy at Communion, but you guys ruined it! Just for that, I’m going to call up God and tell him not to show up for Backlash! You’d all probably boo him out of the building anyway, because that’s all you’re good for you bunch of no good meanie heads! You hear that, Jesus? These jerk faces cancelled your Return! I hope you’re all happy!

Shawn Michaels comes out, and Superkicks Vince on what I can only assume is “general principals.” Then, after eight different camera angles of Vince laying in the ring, Shawn Michaels points at his crotch. In Orlando….

Kevin Nash: That’s it, man! The Clique Signal! Shawn wants us to meet him at Backlash.

Scott Hall: Wait…wait a minute. I thought the Clique signal was when he hops on one foot three times and then does a backflip.

Nash: Nonononono…hopping on one foot three times and doing a backflip means that he forgot to set his Tivo, so he wants us to record Nanny 911 for him.

Hall: Oh, man! I love that show. Those British chicks are hot!

Nash: You know it.

Hall: Where I want to go, though, is Australia. They’ve got some really fine girls down there.

Nash: Down where?

Hall: Australia.

Nash: Oh.

SEXUAL INNUENDO~!

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Vince is backstage talking to Hunter.

Triple H: Look, Vince, all I’m saying is that she can have her Beef Stroganoff flavored ice cream and she can have her gravy covered marshmallows, I don’t care. But I’m going to draw the line at letting her dump blueberry yogurt all over my au gratin potatoes “just in case (she) gets hungry later.” I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, dammit.

Vince McMahon: I’m in no mood for this tonight Mister Points-At-Crotch! First the crowd is a bunch of meanies during my segment, then your buddy Shawn Michaels comes out and kicks me in the face, and now you want to complain about my lovely daughter Stephanie? You just had to go and make a bad day worse didn’t you? Look what you made me do! I’m crying now! Are you happy, Hunter? Now that you made me cry? I’m booking you against John Cena and Edge in a special Foregone Conclusion Match tonight. I hope that makes you happy, you frigid bitch.

HHH: So long as I don’t have to carry your old ass again.

Vince: Shut up.

Back in the ring, Rob Conway has a mic. Woah, woah, woah. Wait a second. Run that by me again. Back in the ring, Rob Conway has a mic. No kidding? Wow.

Rob Conway: Yes, folks, I do have a mic. And yes, I am as shocked as you. Look, I’m just glad to be off Internet Heat. There’s only so many times when you can wrestle Goldust before you just want to expand your horizons, you know? Job to some main eveners for a month or so. So with that in mind, hows about we get a little more Kane up in here, eh?

Kane and Conway trade punches to start. Rob Conway is no rocket scientist, I’ll tell you that much. I mean, you kind of have to wonder, don’t you, what in the annuls of professional wrestling history makes Conway think, “Yeah, I bet I could slug it out with the fat monster guy.” Kane wins after a chokeslam. Suddenly overtaken by the desire to do something not entirely fire related to Lillian Garcia, he drops out of the ring and moseys over to her chair.

Kane: Hey there, bitch cakes, I’m a major motion picture star now just like The Rock. Want to come back to my dressing room and eat strudel?

Lillian Garcia: No. You’re gross.

Kane: Did you say something about May 15?

Lillian: Uh…no.

Kane: Well, then, I’m going to chokeslam you.

Kane grabs her by the throat. Thank god for Kane, you know? But the warm and fuzzy feeling does not last long, as Big Show makes the save. They play the “I can defy the laws of physics by chokeslamming your fat ass” game for a few minutes, before Show slams Kane. Next week? They chokeslam each other at the same time. And it will be? Awesome! After sitting up, Kane offers to share his box of Hostess Apple Strudels with Show.

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Time for a special interview with Chavo Guerrero! That’s…Exciting, I guess.

Jim Ross: Chavo! Chavo! BY GAWD! Your spirit has been broken in half!

Chavo Guerrero: To be honest, Jim, I was getting a little tired of seeing Rey Misterio using my uncle’s name to get the World Title over on Smackdown, while all I could barely take advantage of it enough to get on RAW a couple times. That’s just bull howdy, excuse my French, J.R. He was MY uncle. If anybody should have sponged heat off that tragedy, it should have been ME!

J.R.: Chris Jericho, I’ve got to ask you, why did you quit the wrestling business? Was it to tour with your band Fuzzy, or was it something else?

Chavo: Jim…My name is Chavo. I’m not Chris Jericho.

J.R.: BY GAWD! Chris Benoit is tougher than a two dollar steak!

Chavo: Can we talk about me for a minute? Please? It’s no friggin’ wonder I quit. Nobody gives a crap about Chavo.

J.R.: Nobody cares about you. You’re no hoss!

Chavo: Charlie Haas?

J.R.: This interview is bowling shoe ugly, folks.

Chavo: You’re no Todd Grisham, I‘ll tell you that much.

J.R.: This has been Jim Ross talking with the Ghost of Eddie Guerrero, have a good night, folks!

Chavo: But…we didn’t even talk about me at all!

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There ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton Benjamin from coming down to the ring…NAH! I’ll give him this, being a heel has given the guy a billion times more personality, if only for the inclusion of fine Hawaiian shirts. Unfortunately, it has done nothing for his mic work. Poor Shelton. He’s got to face a mystery opponent. Who is it? Charlie Haas?

Shelton Benjamin v. Charlie Haas
In a match which, if Shelton wins the Intercontinental Title Will Not Be on the Line in His Match Against Rob Van Dam at Backlash, or if He Loses It Will Be, and if There’s a Draw Then Shelton Has to Dress Like Shannon Moore for a Month

Wiggida WHAT?! It IS Charlie Haas? Geez. Nice to see the crowd has maintained its previous level of apathy for him though. In what is possibly the greatest change of style ever, however, Charlie has fashioned his facial hair in such a way to make him a perfect clone of Matt Morgan, assuring that he’ll be released again next week. They toss each other around for a few minutes and Haas is all like, “Did you forget about me?!” Uh…yeah. Shelton hits the World’s Most Awkward Rolling Thunder, proving once and for all what an amazing athlete he is, and then Haas rolls him up for the pin. Somewhere, Kurt Angle is depressed.

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Vince McMahon is sipping a refreshing Capri Sun juice pouch when Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon joins him in his office.

Vince McMahon: Who in the hell are you?

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that you find a spot on the show to help me get over my man, Totally Not Jamal.

Vince: Didn’t we fire Suga Rosey? Why in the world would we rehire Jamal?

Not Important: Haha! That’s the beauty of it! You DIDN’T!

Vince: Oh. Good. So who is this Totally Not Jamal guy, then?

Not Important: That’s the beauty of it, Mr. McMahon, it’s all the fatness and terrible moveset of Jamal, without the stigma of having Jamal on the roster! Instead you have the wackiest combination this side of the block, a hip hop headhunter!

Vince: That sounds terrible. But, whatever. He can fight Shawn Michaels tonight. And what do you want?

Shelton Benjamin: Did you know that Charlie Haas is back?

Vince: Who?

Shelton: Charlie Haas! My old tag team partner!

Vince: You mean that wasn’t Matt Morgan? I was going to go fire him….

Shelton: Forget about that for a second! I want Rob Van Dam to have to put his briefcase up in the match at Backlash!

Vince: Rob Van Dam? Briefcase? Backlash? What the hell are you talking about? You know what? You’re making even less sense than the guy who was in here before. But you’d make a lot MORE sense if you were on your knees! In my lap.

Shelton: Man, I hate professional wrestling.

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Shawn Michaels v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon and Vince McMahon)

I’m going to be the first and only person to jump on the ol’ Totally Not Jamal bandwagon. Not because of his tres chic St. Louis Cardinals face paint or the very essence of his Not Jamalness, but because he’s like the Meng of tomorrow TODAY! Shawn’s understandably a little sad about Jesus being dropped from the PPV, but it’s ok, because if he beats Shane and Vince at Backlash, he regains the power of prance, which is probably worth more than the power of prayer at this point in his career anyway. After Michaels fires a few hard right hands, Not Jamal takes control of the match with some head based offense, but it’s all for naught as the ref throws the whole thing out because everybody knows a Samoan’s head is an illegal foreign object. I think Bill Watts made up that rule. Only he called it an “illegal International object.” Shawn makes an attempt at a prance around the ring to celebrate his victory, but he only ends up tangled in the ropes. Sensing opportunity, Vince grabs a chair, but he’s waylaid by some pyro when he attempts to enter the ring.

Vince: What’s this?! Is God attempting to striketh me down?

X-Pac: Nah, man. That’s just my old DX pyro. Shawn and Hunter are getting the Clique back together, right?

Vince: Not with you, they‘re not! Now, I’m just going to get out of the ring and-

More pyro!

Vince: Agh! I’m sorry! I shall not covet my neighbor’s wife any more!

Kane: That’s cool. I just realized that I forgot to set off my corner pyro, so I came out here to do it.

X-Pac: Kane! What’s up, my man? Still talking?

Kane: I’d set you on fire, but with all that grease you’d burn up too quickly.

Vince: I’m going up the entrance ramp. Nobody…no more pyro, ok?

Pyro explodes on the ramp.

Vince: Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?!

Booker T: What’s up, dawg? This is Smackdown isn’t it? Time for the King of the Ring?

Triple H: I’ll have you know that I’m the King of Kings.

Booker: Oh, man…Are you fighting Mark Henry?

HHH: Gosh, I hope not.

X-Pac: Hunter! How’s it hangin’, man? Long time no see!

HHH: I just remembered that I left my…sledgehammer…running. Bye!

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No context for this, but Vince has the best Popemobile ever.

This Week in Wrestling History: April 17, 1995: Jean Pierre Lafitte pinned Duke "the Dumpster" Droese in what some call the GREATEST MATCH EVER~!

Matt Striker is in the ring. I wonder what he could possibly have to say. No. Really. What could he possibly have to say?

Matt Striker: Hello everyone, my name is Matt Striker, and I’m doing a teacher gimmick, so please take out your number two pencils and stab yourselves in the legs! Sorry, a little teacher humor there. Anyway, I guess what I’m out here to talk about is that certain people think that it’s cool to insult other wrestlers, be they fake chefs or guys pretending to be teachers. I mean, you don’t have to be from the Caribbean to know that it’s not cool to insult people who have side jobs in addition to wrestling! We’re trying to support our families in any way we can. So, in conclusion, Carlito.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: What the hell class did you teach, man? Subtlety? Because that was spot on! I also like how you put this huge apple here on your desk as if you were begging me to come down here and take a bite out of it.

Striker: Maybe I did, Mr. Cool, if that is indeed your real name. Perhaps I was trying to “lure” you into a “trap.”

Carlito: Let Carlito tell you a little story. One time when I was still living in the Caribbean, I met this attractive, young, white American girl, and I spit an apple into her face. The next day Nancy Grace went on TV and sentenced me to the death penalty. I was charged with two counts of assault with a deadly apple. However, after a long legal battle, I won the case by convincing the jury that the girl wasn’t cool. You know what this has to do with that?

Striker: No. What?

Carlito: Bancock.

So Carlito kicks Striker right in the balls. A short beat down is cut off when, out of nowhere, Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters tackles Carlito and spits a pepper into his face. The chairman will be most pleased!

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The Spirit Squad v. Rob Van Dam
In a match which, if RVD wins the Money in the Briefcase Will Not Be on the Line in His Match Against Shelton Benjamin at Backlash, or if He Loses It Will Be, and if There’s a Draw Then Rob Has to Eat a Whole Red Oak Tree Covered in Fire Ants and Butter

So, explain something to me, is RVD the general manager of RAW now that he can hire Charlie Haas back? I’m just wondering. If he is, that would be awesome. Rob’s tricked out his briefcase with some graffiti straight out of 1992. One side says “RVD” and the other side says “Totally Tubular, Dudes!” with a picture of a totally rad frog skateboarding and a monkey playing Pogs. Incidentally, I think Rob is secretly hoping for a tie here. Alas, it’s not meant to be as the Spirit Squaders gang tackle him, beat him and lock him in a bathroom. I hope he doesn’t sue them or Vince will have to cancel the rest of the Season! Spirit Squad wins!

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) is standing by with Trish Stratus….

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund): Maria Punk neep Ten Tons of Luck here, and I’m standing by with Trish Stratus. Trish, you’ve been dressing an awful lot like Alexis Laree lately. Is it the upskirts that you love so much, or the association with Raven?

Trish Stratus: Honestly, Maria, I wanted to take the first step into the burgeoning fetish porn industry to supplement my income, so I co-opted an identity that industry insiders were familiar with, and I’m now working undercover so that nobody is wise that I’m not actually Alexis Laree.

Maria: My boyfriend says no fetish porn until after marriage!

Trish: Well, your boyfriend is kind of a skank. Anyway, I’m going down to ringside, and I’m going to prove that just like Alexis, I’ve got a huge box. Stay tuned!

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Trish bounds down to the ring, and when she gets there, she shows off her massive box. She’s got nice ribbons. Is that what you call those things? Anyway, she’s got a mic.

Trish Stratus: Hey everybody! I’ve got a surprise in this here box for Alexis! Come on out, hon!

Alexis Laree: What’s all this then? You want to take my porn career? Fine. But leave my box out of this!

Trish: But don’t you want to get a closer look at what’s inside my box?

Alexis: I’ve seen a lot of boxes in my time, they all look the same after a while.

Trish: But watch what I have in there! It’s Jack Dodge! Remember? The guy we falsely accused of rape a couple months ago?

Alexis: Oh. Hi, Jack. Hijack. Hahahaha…sigh.

Jack Dodge: I thought I told my agent I was through with this! The first time I came here you all called me hideously ugly, you charged me with rape, and now you stick me in your dark, damp, smelly box?! I’m getting a new agent, just as soon as somebody unties me!

Trish: I don’t think you have to worry about that Jack, darling. Now, Alexis, if you really want to become me, you have to fall in love with ugly troll guys like this! Gross right? So do you really want to be me? Could you live with writers telling you every day that you’re dating a troll beast?

Alexis: I dated you didn’t I?

And with that Alexis Chick Kicks Trish out of the ring. Left alone with her new man, Alexis is ready for action.

Alexis: What say you and I have a falls count anywhere match right now, ugly?

Jack: Screw that! I’d rather eat this roll of tape! In fact…I’m going to!

Alexis: What about me?! What about Alexis?!

She hits him with the Raven Effect and then takes her top off so that everyone can see how absolutely nuts she truly is. Backstage, Edge is talking to Lita’s cleavage when Triple H decides to pay them a visit.

Triple H: Sucks doesn’t it? We couldn’t even get the opening segment this week. Stupid Vince. Am I right?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: As if, girlfriend! You know five seconds from now you’ll go back to sucking up to him like you always do to make sure that your baby has standing over Shane’s babies. At this rate I think Vince should will the company to Suri Cruise. Sure she’ll probably wind up being friggin’ insane, but you know what? At least she’ll have the Dawson’s Creek nest-egg to fall back on if the wrestling gig doesn’t pan out.

HHH: Look, breakfast man, I didn’t come over here to argue about wrestling politics. I just wanted to say that, hey, we’ve got a mutual enemy in John Cena here, and I know I wasn’t great in helping you out a couple weeks ago, but this week, I say we just beat the hell out of him! What do you say?

Edge: That I’m not stupid. That I’m fated to get the pinfall victory over you in tonight’s handicap match, and you’re trying to cheat fate. Well guess what, bitchycakes, it ain’t gonna happen! You know why?! Because I want to win one, just one friggin’ match over your stupid ass! Also, I want to make a Bacon Waffle Sandwich.

HHH: You’re nuts, man! Nuts!

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Triple H v. “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and John Cena (w/ Lita)

Wait for it…wait for it….

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Ah…there we go! Lita leads the cheers for Cena, because he may think she’s a ho, but she loves her some APPLE DOUGH! Cena fans will be shocked to learn that Triple H did not wait for John to deliver the Five Knuckle Shuffle, instead interrupting it somewhere between the shoulder brushoff and the lawnmower with a spinebuster. Might I add that Hunter has the prettiest spine buster of any active wrestler? With Cena’s offense going nowhere, Edge tags himself in. Unfortunately for Edge, however, in addition to having to deal with dangling participles, Hunter pretty much gives up selling for these jobbery jobbers and begins kicking the ever living crap out of both Edge and Cena. However, the wiley Cerebral Assassin makes a key error, forgetting the laws of time and nature that state that Edge must win this match. After a PEDIGREE TO CENA~!, Hunter turns around and gets whacked with a Waffle and Bacon sandwich for the three count. Lita is so thrilled that she eats the sandwich off of Hunter’s face.

Next Week: With all their match options exhausted, HHH, Cena and Edge all job to WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda in a Gauntlet match. Red valkyrie needs food badly. Vince McMahon convinces Carlito to go talk Jesus into coming back and tagging with Michaels. And try as he might, even RVD can’t out gaudy John Cena, even after unveiling his plans to spraypaint dragons all over the Intercontinental Title.