Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I’m tired of making matches. I’m beyond tired. Look at this, I booked a Spiritual Entity for the last PPV. And he no-showed. He’s like the 

Spirit Squad Mitch: Well that’s all your fault, man. You never hired a GM like you said you would. Dusty Rhodes stopped eating pancakes for five minutes for nothing!

Vince: Aren’t you supposed to be cheerleaders? Shouldn’t you be cheering or something?

Spirit Squad Kenny: Mr. McMahon, if I could be frank for a moment….

Vince: Please.

Spirit Squad Frankie: BRAAAWK! I’m a pretty bird.

Spirit Squad Johnny: I think what Kenny is trying to say is that last night, we watched the inspirational sports classic Bring It On as well as its slightly less classic sequel Bring It On II: Bring It Onier and what we learned is that the life of a cheerleader doesn’t mean that we’re just one dimensional beings destined only to be the punchlines of crappy jokes and talking entirely in rhymes. No, we can be whatever we want! Bitchy drama queens, hardcore goth chicks, we can even be black!

Spirit Squad Mikey: Fo shizzle!

S.S. Johnny: So, what I think is that it would be totally awesome if you made us GMs for tonight.

Vince: Uh…Hmmm…We haven’t done that gimmick in a while, I guess. You’re on. I’m going to go lay on this couch..

Spirit Squad: Ready? Ok!

Kenny will win the title,

Ric Flair will be idle,

RAW will have some Spirit!

RAW Theme? Let’s hear it!

(Opening Credits)

Torrie Wilson and Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) v. Alexis Laree and Victoria
In a Special “Bring It On” “Oh, It’s Already Brought’n” Match

I don’t know if I’m more saddened by the fact that these girls mincing around in cheerleader outfits isn’t turning me on, or by the fact that I’ve spent the last five minutes arguing to myself that because the S.S. are cheerleaders they’re naturally good choices for GMs. Better than Eric Bischoff anyway. Here’s a fun game: Imagine Eric Bischoff as a cheerleader. The Divas team hits the Wrestlers team with a bunch of Attitude Era based offense including the Stinkface, the Bronco Buster, and the Choppy Choppy You Pee Pee, which Victoria narrowly avoids. Kidding. Kidding. Last thing I need is a bunch of crazy Victoria fans out there after me (Hi, Stevie!). Anyway, the actual wrestlers take control of the match, and Alexis hits the Raven Effect on Maria. But just as she’s going for the pin, Trish Stratus slides in and nails Alexis on the head with her dead arm. Maria gets the pin. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!

(ads)

Mitch, Mikey and Johnny are your Spirit Squad members for this match. That makes two weeks in a row for Mitch! You get out there, buddy! Abe and Dustin tickle each other to start which is…kinda weird. I wonder if Abe is just feeling lonely. They took away his babies, they fired his uncle, suspended his cousin, and then to top it all off they released his beard brother Tomko and his best friend Hnnrnnr. That would be enough to drive anyone crazy, but then to have to be on a team with a guy who’s constantly bitching about your “workrate” and another guy who is Goldust…Hell, I would have just jumped my ass through a table and pretended to be knocked out for the whole match. But hey, that’s just me. As it is, we get about twenty minutes into the match, and nothing of note has happened, so Johnny just kicks Eugene in the face for the win. As Shane McMahon would say if he were still with us today, “Booyah.”

By the way, I hate the Spirit Squad’s new wife beaters, because now I can’t tell them apart again.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Eugene….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Eugene, and Eugene, I have to ask you, man to man, aren’t you sick of the lack of wrestling on this show?

Eugene: You’re making me cry, man…Yes, I’m sick of the lack of wrestling on this show. It sucks, and Smackdown is no better. And don’t get me started on TNA. A bunch of backflips? Save it. That’s not wrestling. That’s the circus.

Grisham: This whole thing is so depressing….

Eugene: Tell me about it. I miss the days when an armbar was really an armbar, and when guys like Bret Hart and Dean Malenko, they really knew how to wrestle, you know? None of this “entertainment” crap they’re shoving down our throats.

Grisham: We shouldn’t talk about this. Not here. The Voice of the Undertaker-

Eugene: The Voice of the Undertaker is dead! Dispersed by the ancient Indian Mysticism of the Great Khali.

Grisham: What a terrible storyline….

Eugene: That’s exactly why I’m biding my time until the new ECW rolls around. That’s a company that really knew what “wrestling” was all about. I can’t wait to break out my Cyberslam ‘96 T-Shirt again!

Grisham: Wait…New ECW? Do…Do you think Joey Styles will be moving over there?

Eugene: Probably, man. He’s getting shafted here on RAW. At least ECW will treat him right.

Grisham: YES! This is the best day of my life!

Eugene: What? Why?

Grisham: I’m moving up to the A-Team, baby! J.R. won’t do Monday nights! Do you think they’ll give Coachman another shot? Hell no! I’m all they have left! This is awesome! Screw realism! Viva Sports Entertainment!

Eugene looks on sadly, until he’s suddenly waylaid by Volume Ge-Jo of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Matt Striker: Hell yeah! Look up “Guy Standing Slightly off Camera” in the Encyclopedia and you’ll see my picture! Eat it, Eugene!

I doubt that…Hey! What do you know! He’s right. Well, sort of. The picture is only of a wall and his left pinky. But I can totally tell it’s him. Meanwhile, The Spirit Squad is hanging out with Shawn Michaels, Big Show, and…Charlie Haas?!

Big Show: Man, what are you doing in here?

Charlie Haas: I’m…I saw the camera come in, and I was like “Cool! A chance to be on TV!”

Show: Well, stay quiet.

Spirit Squad Mitch: We’re in here for Shawn anyway. Mr. Michaels, you have to referee Kane’s match because we determined that tonight needed a little more Kane, and also that you couldn’t wrestle. The catch is, you have to do it wearing these chaps made entirely out of day planners.

Show: Oh snap! Kane hates calendars and day planners! You’re in trouble now, Mister!

Spirit Squad Kenny: Yeah! And not only that, you can’t get any help from God on this one either!

Shawn Michaels: Not that he was much help to me yesterday….

Jesus: Ooooh…right. Sorry about that, man.

Shawn: Where were you last night? I was reaching for the hot tag!

Jesus: Man, me and Kevin Dunn were in the trailer messing with Kane. I got on the PA and I was all doin’ the Kane voice, like, “What day is it?! When does Dinosaurs come out on DVD?!” and Kevin was dickin’ around with the lights and hahahahaha…Oh, man. So we were laughing so hard that I had to go out to my car and get some air, and I totally spaced on our match. Sorry, duder.

Shawn: Some Savior you turned out to be. Maybe I should convert to Buddhism.

Jesus: Yeah. Buddha’s all right, man. If you see him, tell him I want that VHS of Heathers back. He’s had it for, like, three years now.

Spirit Squad Nickey: Why don’t you just buy the DVD?

Jesus: I thought about it, but $19.99? Man, that’s gas money I can’t be wasting. I thought about asking my dad for some cash, but then he’ll just start in on me about “responsibility” and I’m all “Screw that noise, I died for the sins of humanity,” you know? The least he could do is lend me a fiver now and then.

(ads)

Rob Conway v. Kane
With Special Guest Referee Shawn Michaels

Shawn punches Conway in the balls to start. That’s always a good way to get things moving along. WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda should try that more often. Anyway, the story of the match is that Michaels threw away his Day Planner Chaps and started sticking Word-A-Day calendar entries all over Conway, and then asking Kane what the word of the day was. May 19 is “injudicious.” Kane has had enough of this nonsense, so he just chokeslams Conway and leaves. But, I guess we haven’t filled enough time yet, so Shawn asks Kane to show Rob the meaning of “June 11,” so Kane runs back to the ring hits the Tombstone and gets the pin. Man, somebody really must have it out for Conway. Not that he’s not a jobbery jobber, but this makes him look like the jobberiest jobber. Wait…why is “jobbery” in my spellcheck?

(ads)

Jobbery n: Corruptness among public officials

Huh.

Rory Fox v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

Totally Not Jamal just has random streaks of paint on his face tonight, because there really isn’t anything in Ohio worth celebrating. Hocking County maybe. I really want to visit that some day. I don’t even care if it’s all bog or something. This is totally a great way to build on Not Jamal’s newfound glory as “The Guy Who Chops People in Bars” and also “That Guy Who Beats Up Old Men.” He’s an Internet Superstar! Incidentally, I couldn’t think up a sillier name for Rory Fox than “Rory Fox.” Honestly, do these Indy Guys sit at wrestling school and think, “What name can I come up with that will allow me to have no connection to fans whatsoever…hmm…Rory Fox. Yes. That name adequately declares my mediocrity.” The match was over about four lines ago. Not Jamal won with a thumb to the eye. WTF?

Vince is backstage in the McOffice.

Vince McMahon: Man, it’s good not to have to worry about booking matches. I can finally catch up on all that Internet Velocity I’ve been missing.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Or else you can touch my boobs! Wouldn’t that be more fun? Boobs?

Vince: But…But…WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Matthews!

Boobsie: Shhh…He doesn’t have boobs like I have boobs. Come…Touch the boobs.

Vince: Honestly, hon, your voice is totally turning me off.

Boobsie: I want you to eat my roast beef.

Vince: That statement made even me uncomfortable.

Triple H: Hey, Vi-woah…ho ho..Yeah. Hey…Nice…Muffin.

Boobsie: Vince didn’t like my boobs.

Vince: What the hell do you want?

HHH: You called me in here. Why in the hell would you start having sex when you knew I was coming in here?

Vince: It seemed to work with Al Snow…Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you’re going to guest referee the main event tonight. I’d rather not have you working.

HHH: Uh…could you at least…stop…before we have this conversation?

Boobsie: It is kind of weird.

Vince: Geez. Fine, your magesty. You know, I’ve just about had it with you anyway. Teasing this DX thing and then trying to interrupt my good natured employee sex! You won’t get another title shot until you’re an old man.

HHH: That’ll be what…two weeks? Stephanie is ready to blow any time now.

Vince: Yeah…but can you wait two weeks?

HHH: No!

Vince: Then get out of here and go referee that damn match!

HHH: Right.

Vince: Now where was I?

Boobsie: Lick my boobs!

Vince: Just…shut up.

(ads)

Lita is in the ring.

Lita: Ladies and Gentlemen, please get on your feet and welcome the former Five Time, Five Time, Five Time, Five Time, Five Time WWE Intercontinental Champion, and MY MAN, Edge Tian!

The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge: Thank you, Lita. That was very…innovative of you. Uh…look, I’m not out here to tell you about my new Key Lime Roll, or about how Joey Styles is the worst announcer in the history of WWE, yes, even worse than Rob Bartlett. What I’m out here to talk about is Mick Foley. You see, after a whole month of me proclaiming that I was finished with him, and that I was certain he was never coming back, I’ve decided to invite him onto my show. Ehem. With that, here’s Mick Foley.

Mick Foley: Hiyah!

Edge: So, look…I mean…our Wrestlemania Match was ok, and I was thinking, since I’m obviously never going to be taken seriously by anybody around here, would you mind coming in and having another match with me? I mean…that’ll at least make me feel a little better about the fact that everybody is conspiring to hold me down.

Foley: Sure thing, Edgeroo, I need something new to write about in my new autobiography. Turns out that the last five years only took up a chapter and a half of my book, and between that and the chapter about how bad I want to bone Melina, I’m running dangerously low on material.

Edge: That’s kind of creepy, by the way. Don’t you have a hot wife already?

Foley: Yeah, it’s not good to fantasize I know, but those thighs….

Edge: Dude, cheating on your hot wife with some random wrestling girl is not cool.

Lita: Um…

Foley: Oh, so you think it’s not cool to cheat on your wife with somebody you know from TV, huh?

Edge: Yeah, that’s right. Especially not if you know their current significant other!

Lita: Honey….

Foley: You and me! Wife Swap match! Next week right here on RAW!

Edge: You’re on! I think you’re about to find out that nobody cheats on their wife quite like me!

Lita: Yay?

(ads)

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Rob Van Dam
Chocolate Chunk Challenge

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The challenger…he’s back at it, man. He’s using the chocolate chunk and he’s…he’s making a pot of brownies. Hahahahahaha…a pot of brownies. I meant…pan…a pan of townies.

Fukui: Looks like our reporter is all messed up.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Not as messed up as our challenger is about to be! Look at that! Shelton Benjamin just attacked him with a giant soup spoon out of nowhere! The Iron Chef is about to pour molten fudge down the challenger’s singlet! Just like I gave your mom some of my molten-

Ohta: Fukui-an!

Fukui: GO AHEAD!

Ohta: It’s like…far out…I think this tribble is trying to help the challenger.

Fukui: That’s Carlito! But he and Rob aren’t friends! They’re mortal enemies!

Hatori: Sometimes, Fukui-san, mortal enemies come together in the face of a common foe. Just like you and I every week. And the common foe is not having a paycheck.

Fukui: Makes sense to me. All right, join us next week when we find out WHO WILL REIGN SUPREME!

Spirit Squad Nicky: Let’s make this a tag team match!

(ads)

Backstage, Vince and Boobsie are sharing a sandwich together. Aw. I’m kind of hungry now. And all I have is stale Peeps and Chex Mix. Hmph. Man, these guys are terrible together. I wonder if it isn’t the lack of charisma dragging them all down. Though I did love poor Carlito on the ring apron while RVD was in a resthold, “Fight back…Or something!” Carlito doesn’t care for this whole mess. Did I mention yet that RVD won the Intercontinental title from Benjamin? He did. That pretty much makes Benjamin’s title run as thrilling as Flair’s was. Well, except with more Mama. Charlie Haas runs out throw the crowd to get himself some more TV time, but nobody really wants to associate with him, so Rob rolls up Shelton and gets the win, and then everybody bolts backstage. Quick, cut to commercial before Charlie does something!

(ads)

Joey Styles is backstage, apparently he was unaware RAW is live.

Joey Styles: I hear Cole pulls this crap all the time. Where the hell is the bathroom?

Spirit Squad Mitch: Hey there, nerd. Who let you out of your cage?

Styles: I just came back here to use the bathroom.

Spirit Squad Johnny: Oh, you can use the bathroom all right. Can you say “swirly?”

Styles: Ok, haha. You had your fun. I’m the RAW announcer!

S.S. Mitch: Not according to our source Todd Grisham, you’re not.

Styles: Why the hell would Todd associate himself with the Spirit Squad.

Spirit Squad Mikey: Because, the S.S. has ways of making you talk.

Spirit Squad Kenny: Also, we offered him your job. Nerd.

Styles: Just because I wear glasses doesn’t mean-

S.S. Mitch: Kenny, do a move!

Styles: Nice flying quebrada by Kenny…OH MY GOD! I’m a wrestling nerd!

S.S. Mikey: That’s right, nerd! Now put on this skirt and go back out there. Or else.

Styles: Ye…yeah. Ok.

(ads)

Back at ringside…

Jerry Lawler: Nice skirt, nerd. If you were twenty years younger, I would date you.

Joey Styles: King, I’m only 35.

Lawler: I know. Wink Wink.

Styles: That’s sick!

Lawler: Look, dude. Why don’t you get your stupid ass on back out of here? We don’t need any nerds in this booth.

Guy in Front Row: OH! Oh no he didn’t!

Styles: Well, we don’t need any pervs either. At least I know the girls by their names and not by their cup sizes.

Guy in Front Row: SNAP! SNAP!

Lawler: Look here, Styles, I’ve crapped bigger things than you!

Guy in Front Row: Oh, man! You got owned son! OWNED!

Styles: So has J.R. Have fun sitting next to his colonoscopy bag.

Guy in Front Row: OH! POOP HUMOR! SNIZZAP!

Then Lawler punches Styles, breaking his glasses. Styles starts to cry and then runs away.

(ads)

Joey’s back out and he’s got a mic. What do you have to say for yourself, nerd?

Joey Styles: Seriously, this is the best we can do? Oh boy, fake-ass Internet ECW is coming back, better split off that Styles guy so he can do that! I mean, first you fire J.R., then you have Austin come in, then you get rid of him, then you bring J.R. back and then you don’t, and then you do, and now I’m out of my job? That’s ridiculous! I mean, Jesus Christ, would it have killed you to let me get a couple Pay Per View checks out of the deal? I know I can’t do soundbites worth a crap, but at least I know all the wrestlers names! Even the Spirit Squad. That’s going to be a train wreck.

Jesus: Actually, yes, my son, It would have killed them. WWE can’t understand your mad skillz. You should have stuck it out at 1Wrestling…hahaha…sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face for that one.

Styles: All right, the Almighty’s interjection aside, it seems like kind of a crappy deal to cast me aside like this. Announcer fights suck anyway. And what’s with never playing up my issues with Lawler because of his issues with ECW, anyway? And what’s the deal with airline peanuts? And why in the hell did I have to do shows with Coach? And also, what in the world is up with everybody around here getting to bang the Divas but me? Yeah, I’m happily married, so what? I want just one night of rough monkey sex with Trish Stratus and her dead arm. Is that so wrong?

Jesus: Hell no.

Styles: Vince, it seems like you really lost your way here. Wrestling isn’t supposed to be about labia humor and telling stories, it’s supposed to be about guys punching each other in the balls with glass and lesbians fighting over Tommy Dreamer! It’s supposed to be about world champions, not like JBL and John Cena, but like Justin Credible and Steve Corino! It’s about twenty minute long entrances and forty people cutting promos in two minutes. It’s about bingo halls and not paying your workers! It’s about Da Baldies going three on three with an Amish Guy, his lothario man friend and Tazz’ cousin! It’s about Mass Transit and jumping off of high things! It’s about letting RVD and Rhino cut fourteen minute long promos where they do nothing but swear. It’s about Terry Funk retiring at every house show and guys too fat to make it here coming in and bleeding on things! It’s not about girls with fake tits having matches, it’s about girls with fake tits having matches with referees! More importantly than all that, wrestling isn’t about untalented stiffs having matches and boring the crowds! It’s about untalented stiffs hitting each other with things and getting the crowd to chant obscenities! THAT’S Pro-wrestling! And if you can’t understand that, well, God help you.

Jesus: EC F’N W!

(ads)

Spirit Squad Kenny (w/ The Spirit Squad) v. John Cena
For the WWE Spinnin’ World Title with Special Guest Referee Triple H

Todd Grisham has made it to the A-Team, baby! This whole night has been worth it! The Spirit Squad attacks Cena while Triple H naps in the corner. Unfortunately he also naps through Kenny’s pinfall attempt. Oh come on! When I think of “Guys I want to have the WWE Title” S.S. Kenny is the first name that pops into my head! Kenny is so fed up with Hunter’s whoremongering that he slaps him right in the ear. That…wasn’t smart. PEDIGREE TO S.S. KENNY! Hunter’s had just about enough of this crap, so he bails on the segment, stopping just once on the ramp to share a meaningful, loving gaze with Shawn Michaels. Shawn sprints to the ring. I miss the prance. Superkick for Mikey! Superkick for Nicky! Superkick for Johnny! Superkick for Mitch! Cena dances around the ring. After about five minutes of that, he finally gets a clue that this is supposed to be the end of the match. Cover on Kenny! Cena wins! Dammit! I had a lot of money riding on Kenny too!

Next Week: Triple H and Shawn Michaels tell John Cena that there won’t be a DX reunion, and then, as soon as he leaves, they have a DX reunion. Joey Styles comes out with Tommy Dreamer as members of the audience ask themselves, “Who are those dorks?” Also…NWA: Totally Not Jamal. You know you want it.

Todd Grisham: I thought that went well.

Jerry Lawler: Yeah. Thanks for filling in, Todd.

Grisham: Haha…Filling in? What are you talking about?

Lawler: Well…J.R. will be back here with me next week.

Grisham: Wha…But…I….

Lawler: You did fine for tonight, kid, but you’re no A-Teamer.

Grisham: AAAAAAARGH! This show sucks!

Todd Grisham jumps onto Lillian Garcia, who is set ablaze. Todd Grisham has been incinerated.