Hey, Jim Ross is back!  Let’s check in and see how it feels to return to RAW.

Jim Ross:  Folks, it’s great to be back here on RAW, I feel like a pig in a barbecue.  Boomer Sooner!

Uh…it’s going to be a long night.  Oh good, here’s Triple H!  Maybe he’s going to be the GM of RAW!  

Lemmy:  Huntah!  Quit butcherin’ our song, mate!

HHH:  Aw crap.  Nobody told me Lemmy was going to be here tonight.  Sorry, man.

Then Lemmy goes back to switching between looking embarrassed at having to be at this show and silently glowering at Hunter for having such a ridiculous mustache.  Looks like Ol’ Lemmy’s been eating well, though.  Wanna know Lemmy’s favorite desert?  APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena:  ‘Sup, fools?  I heard you out here running your mouth, Hunter, and I was just thinking, you know what we need more of?  No, not Kane!  Triple H main events!  It’s been what?  A little over a week since your last title shot?  What the hell are we dragging our feet over?

HHH:  I think I liked you better when you came out here and just rapped everything.

Cena:

You call yourself the King of Kings?
Well, Hunter, you ain’t nothing!
I got my Spinnin’ Title
And a bottle of cheese-

HHH:  That’ll do, pig.

Cena:  All I’m trying to say, is, would it kill you to let somebody else main event once in a while?  Like…let Eugene have a title shot once in a while.  Or let me go off and have an extended feud with Val Venis.

HHH:  Trust me, son, after your title run finally ends, you’ll be lucky to get a feud with Val.

Lest somebody invoke the name of Val Venis three times, Vince McMahon stomps out to put an end to this nonsense.

Vince McMahon:  It’s time to put an end to this nonsense!  Quite frankly, neither of you are even halfway decent enough to main event that crappy TNA Internet show!  That’s right, Hunter and John, you don’t hold a candle to Simon Diamond!  But I guess you’ve got to just work with what you’ve got, and what I’ve got is a choice between either trying to finally put an end to this stupid GM angle, or to completely ignore it for another week and book more senseless handicap matches.  With that in mind, I’m putting John Cena and Shawn Michaels in a handicap match against none other than…THE SPIRIT SQUAD!

Lemmy:  Mitch in another match?  That’s it, I’m out of here.

Vince:  That’s not all.  No, no.  To prevent any aspirations of a new DX, which was absolutely not announced by cable and satellite providers last week, Hunter, I’m asking you to take the night off.

HHH:  But…But…What about my title shot?

Vince:  All good things come to those who wait.

HHH:  But, daddy, I want a title shot now!

Cena:

Oompa Loompa doopity dee,
I am the champ,
You cannot see me!
Oompa Loompa doopity dear,
You get no title shot,
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Vince:  How would you like to be Fit Finlay’s manager?

Rob Van Dam:  Hold on a second, there, you guys.  I have a briefcase!

Cena:  So?

HHH:  So?

Vince:  So?

RVD:  Do you know what’s IN my briefcase?

Cena:  Pot?

HHH:  Weed?

Vince:  Pictures of Sean Stasiak?

RVD:  No way!  It’s 500 Twinkies and a magical marmoset named General T’dgarish!  And the General would like everybody to chant “ECDub” during my match tonight to show your support for my new show!

HHH:  That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  This is Anaheim, Rob.  They’ve never even heard of ECW out here.

RVD:  Yeah!  All right!!

(ads)

Shelton Benjamin v. Charlie Haas v. Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

There ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from growing his hair back…NAH!  Oh man, I’ve suddenly been over come with the crippling urge to see these guys all cutting promos on each other.  I’m pretty sure that segment, by itself, would cause me to sign over everything I own to WWE.  I think it would go a little something like this:

Shelton Benjamin:  You…you guys…you’re not as good as me.  Or better.  You’re not better either.

Charlie Haas:  Oh yeah?  Well, I’ve got a dollar that says…I’ve…I’ve got the scruffiest beard in the match?

Iron Chef Wrestling, Chris Masters:  Who wants to take my Iron Chef Challenge?  Do you?  DO YOU?!

Rob Van Dam:  Yeah!  All right!!

AWESOME~!

(ads)

Back in the ring, and sadly, nobody is chanting “E-C-Dub.”  Yeah…Anaheim wasn’t exactly an ECW Stronghold back in the day.  There IS an audible gasp when RVD rolls up Shelton, however, but I think more than anything, that has to do with the fact that people can’t believe RVD is still getting pushed.  We’re on month, like, four of this push now.  Wow.  Anyway, Masters starts to read salad recipes to Haas, and while he’s not looking RVD comes flying in and scores the pin.  Attaway, Rob.  The crowd is so shocked it forgets to chant ECW again.  Sigh.  On an aside, I love those cuts where the wrestlers come flying in out of nowhere.  I don’t need to know every goddamn thing that happens around ringside, and frankly, I think I’d be bored if I did know.  RVD flying out of nowhere to score a pin is awesome.  So, screw you, Rick!

(ads)

LUKE PERRY!

Backstage, poor Todd Grisham is standing by with three kids who aren’t nearly as good of actors as Luke Perry.

Todd Grisham:  I shall have my revenge on you, Jim Ross!  But until then, Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with three generic actors who stared with Kane in his upcoming movie The Eyes Have It, and kids, I’ve got to ask, how much did WWE have to fork over to your agents to get you to show up?

Brunette Girl:  Agent?  Like, I don’t even have an agent yet.  They pulled me off my job at Baby GAP and just, like, put me in front of the camera.

Grisham:  So, what did you guys think of Kane?

Other Brunette Girl:  Kane?  He’s such a hottie!  OMG!  I have all his Tiger Beats!  The way his brow slopes over his forehead like that?  It makes me moist.

Grisham:  Err…wait, did you just say OMG?

Black Kid:  I’m the token black kid.  Oh, snap!  That means I’m going to die!  Well, at least I won’t have to watch John Cena anymore.

Kane:  Hey, are you the kid from Ghostwriter?  Jamal?

Black Kid:  Hell no.  I was in How Stella Got Her Groove Back!

Kane:  Yeah?  How did she get her groove back, anyway?

Black Kid:  Cocaine.

Kane:  Oh.  Yeah, that makes sense.

Black Kid:  Also, I was the Bronze Medalist in the High Jump at the 1995 US Track & Field Championships.

Ok, I’m logging off of IMDB now.

Grisham:  Hahaha, I guess you could say this movie needs more KANE!  Right?  Ha.

Kane:  Shut up, Todd.

Grisham:  Do you want this…Calendar?

Kane:  I hate calendars!

Kane tears Todd asunder! 

Brunette Girls:  Eek.

Black Kid:  Check me out in Gridiron Gang starring The Rock later this year!  I’ll pretend I remember you!

ACTING~!

(ads)

Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Matt Striker

Carlito, of course, being from the entire Caribbean.  I wonder if he knows Carla, the Swordmaster of Melee Island.  Striker isa teacher, so he’s wearing a sweater vest.  I wonder if Vince can convince Shane that he’s Pete Gas?  J.R. immediately calls Striker “Matt Stryker,” obviously confusing him with the indie darling.  Nice to see J.R. back at his stride.  After a few minutes of wrestling that would surely make Shelton’s Mama proud, Eugene runs out and hits Striker with a whole heapin’ bowl of continuity.  That’s for the Encyclopedia attack, jerk!  For his part, Carlito is mildly peeved at the DQ, so he knees Eugene in the back.  That’s as good a face reaction to this situation as any, I think.  I still miss Jesus though.  That guy knew how to party.

(ads)

The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge is out with Lita.  She’s come to a hardcore match in…A bikini?  It’s just like the old ECW days are back, isn’t it, dear?

The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge:  Let me tell you something, Anaheim!  I’m sick to death of all the speculation and rumor mongering going on all over the Internet!  I don’t care what you read on PWTorch, or what you would have read on WrestlingObserver.com if Meltzer hadn’t forgotten to re-up his domain!  I’m going to come out here and beat the ever living crap out of Mick Foley, and I’m going to do in a hardcore match!  Because if there’s one thing the Innovator of Breakfast is, it’s hardcore!  Don’t believe me?  Try my new Razor Blades and Crème Belgian Waffles!

Lita:  I still don’t think those will sell very well, darling.

Edge:  They’ll sell better than you.  

Not to be outdone in the blathering rants category, here’s Mick!

Mick Foley:  Well, Edge, I meant everything I said last week!  I think our feud is good enough to base at least a chapter or two of my new wrestling autobiography Oh God, I’m So Bored, What Have I Been Doing for the Last Few Years:  A Mick Foley Joint due out in stores any week now!  And I think I’m just as hardcore as anybody could ever be.  And while I’d love very much to prove that by cheating on my hot wife as many times as possible tonight, I just don’t think that that’s the best next step for our sure to be classic feud.  So, I’d like to change the match.  Instead of You v. Me, why don’t we throw a pudgy old monkey wrench into the mix?  TOMMY F’N DREAMER!  

OMG!  It is Tommy!  I thought…I thought he died!  Well, they’ve certainly been feeding him well in the afterlife, at any rate.  Sadly, nobody in the crowd has any friggin’ clue who the hell Tommy Dreamer is.  Hellooooo!  The guy who ate urinal cakes?  The guy who had a nearly successful run with "The Book"?  The guy who was a loyal friend to Lance and Rob?  The guy who helped Chris Benoit march to Wrestlemania and destroy the One Title?  YOU DON’T REMEMBER TOMMY?!  Geez.  Losers.

The Innovator of Violence, Tommy Dreamer v. Mick Foley v. The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge (w/ Lita)
In an ECW Style Three Way Dance  

Too bad Mick couldn’t innovate anything.  Is it too late to trade for Kanyon?  I hear he has nothing better to do.  Maybe he can hook up with Patterson.  I guess I’ll take two innovators over none, though.  The match starts on a high note, with Tommy caning everything in site while chanting ECW loud enough to himself that it sounds like the whole arena is going Crazy Go Nuts.  Then Mick hits him in the crotch with a spool of barbed wire.  Then Edge nails him in the face with a razor-wired bat.  Then Lita comes over and explains to Tommy that, while he may be man enough for two women, he’ll never be half the man Danny Doring is.  Or Roadkill for that matter.  Edge with the pin.  Tommy weeps.  Edge and Foley hug and leave with their hands raised.  SHOCKING SWERVE~!

(ads)

Heeeeeey…If that was an “ECW Style” Triple Threat, isn’t that match still going on?  Somebody get a referee to Edge’s hotel room!

Maria Punk (nee Tennyson Lund) (w/ Trish Stratus) v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title  

Trish still only has only one arm.  You’d think she’d have that fixed by now.  For her part, Alexis is back to the good ol’ Thong and Skirt combo that has served her and Raven so well.  J.R. still has no friggin’ clue who the hell anybody in this match is except for Trish, so he’d rather just talk about Tommy Dreamer.  Hey, me too, big guy, but sometimes we’ve just got to move on, you know?  Alexis nails the Raven Effect on Maria, who sells it by standing on her eyebrows, and gets the win.  After the match, Alexis tries to attack Trish and Maria, but a Crazy Blonde Girl runs through the crowd and begins humping her.  I feel your pain, sister.  Happens to me.  All.  The.  Time.  Anyway, Alexis is pissed, probably because there are quite enough crazy bitches on the roster right now, thanks.

(ads)

Timmy “The Tractor” Winksworth and Kevin “The Martini” Martini v. Totally Not Jamal (w/ Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon)

What the hell is it with all these handicap matches lately, anyway?  Totally Not Jamal is rocking his Mighty Ducks face paint tonight, making him look like the world’s portliest duck.  Quack!  The Tractor and The Martini, by the way, are products of UPW, which has given us fine WWE Superstars like John Cena and Tajiri’s Tag Partner from Kyo Dai, No, Not Yang, the Other One.  Also products of UPW are Jenny “Looney” Lane and Savvy who were infamously part of Eric Bischoff‘s HLA skit, and who coincidentally had all the bones in their body broken because Three Minute Warning were two fatasses.  Not that this has anything to do at all with this match.  Totally Not Jamal wins, because he’s just plain fatter than either of those other guys.  I’ve always said, to build on a victory over Ric Flair you must, the next week, return to squashing random jobbers.

Big Show is walking around backstage being fat.  He has creepy red eye.  Somebody’s been hanging out with RVD a little too much.

(ads)

Big Show v. Kane

Oh, man!  If their match at Crazy Go Nuts Booty Shake was any indication, this is going to be awesome!  They trade armbars for a few seconds before hitting the mat.  Roll-up by Kane countered into a victory roll by show, countered into another roll-up by Kane which gets two.  INDIE APPRECIATION APPLAUSE FOR KANE AND SHOW~!  Hell Yes.  Screw you, TNA!  Show and Kane can work circles around AJ Styles or Shane Douglas or whoever!  Tired of the mat work, Kane goes up top and nails a blistering 720 Moonsault.  Show’s down, but she’s quickly back to his feet.  Show glides through the air and starts a Tornado DDT on Kane, but he’s countered into a spinning Northern Lights Suplex, which gets two.  Springboard clothesline by Show.  Kane is rocked, but he doesn’t go down, so Show puts him out of the ring with a Spinning Headscissors.  Frustrated, Kane stalks the ringside crew, when suddenly the lights in the arena go out.

Mysterious Voice:  Psst!  Kane!  Do you know what day the new Superman comes out?

Furious at this request of his date keeping abilities, Kane lights Lillian Garcia on fire and then grabs her chair, and smacks Show with it, Flaming Lillian and all.  Suitably impressed, Show collapses.  He wins by DQ, but at what price?!

Backstage, The Spirit Squad assembles.

Spirit Squad Kenny:  Tonight, guys, I want to pin Shawn Michaels.

Spirit Squad Mikey:  I’m sure you’d looooove that.

S.S. Kenny:  It’s going to happen, dammit!  I can feeeeel it!

Spirit Squad Mitch:  I just can’t believe I’m going to be in another match.  Unreal.

(ads)  

This Week in Wrestling History:  May 8, 1995, the day Hakushi finally defeated his arch rival Gary Scott on WWF RAW is War.

Cheer time!

Spirit Squad:  

Shawn and Cena are gonna lose!
We’re dudes with attitudes!
The Squad is cool,
We like to watch Blossom!
Bought the DVD,
Let’s face it:  It’s awesome!

The Spirit Squad v. John Cena and Shawn Michaels  

I dunno.  After all those “very special episodes,” I started thinking, “How could this crap really happen to one family in the course of a week?  My favorite one was when Joey got arrested for soliciting a minor when the cops caught him and Six down by the park.  “Woah.”  Hey!  Three matches in a row for Mitch!  He’s almost like a real wrestler now!  Sadly, Jim Ross is immediately confused by this match from the get go, so he just sticks to calling everyone in the Squad “Jericho,” except for Kenny, who is helpfully wearing a headband to make him stand out.  J.R. calls him, “this kid.”

(ads)

After the break, Cena and Michaels are trying to console the Squad.  J.R. will remember your names eventually, guys.  He may never fully grasp which one of you is which, but at least he’ll remember all five names.  And he won’t call you “Lita” like Lawler does to Cena.  After a little flippin’ around, the Squad finally takes control of the match, and Kenny pins Shawn Michaels.  Holy crap.  I guess he was right after all.  Cena is so shocked by this seemingly random occurrence that he rolls out of the ring, and leaves Shawn to take a beat down from the Squad.  However, all is not lost for our hero, friends!  For look, up at the entrance ramp!  It’s Triple H!  PEDIGREE TO CENA!  Hunter crotch chops over Cena’s fallen body while the Spirit Squad continues to beat on Michaels in the ring.  Hmmm…Maybe this DX Reunion thing has a few kinks to work out yet.  

Next Week:  The build to the ECW PPV continues when Sandman shows up and stands in the audience drinking.  There won’t be a camera on him or anything, but he’ll totally be there.  The build to the DX Reunion continues when Shawn and Hunter agree to split a pepperoni pizza that is just too big for either man to eat by himself.  And the build to Kane’s new movie continues, when Tom Hanks shows up to laugh at him.

See you all…THEN!

Backstage….

Tommy Dreamer:  Yeah!  I’m bleeding all over stuff!  EC F’N W!  We’re Back!

Rob Van Dam:  Yeah!  All right! 

Dreamer:  R-r-ob?

RVD:  Hey, Tommy!  How’s it goin’, dude? 

Dreamer:  Oh, Rob!  You’re alive!  After you fell off that cliff, I feared the worst!

RVD:  Lucky for me that magic dragon came and saved me, huh?  Yeah!  All right!!  

Dreamer:  I hung onto the edge, because I’m F’N HARDCORE!  Unfortunately, nobody came to pick me up for another three weeks, and even then, it was just Heyman again.

RVD:  Cool.  It’s good to see you survived, dude.  I only wish La-

Dreamer:  Don’t speak his name!  Rob, there’s something I need to talk to you about.  Something that involves his death, the reappearance of ECW, the formation of the Spirit Squad, Rob, these aren’t just coincidences!  They’re portents!  There’s something bigger afoot!  

RVD:  Then the talking statue was right!

Dreamer:  What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin:  What?  

Sean Cold Val Venis:  Ow!  My arm!  Uh…I mean…What?

Dreamer:  I can’t tell you here.  I’ve lost too much blood and I’m about to pass out.  Next week.  Meet me in the parking lot.

Dreamer collapses.

RVD:  Are you going to finish that sandwich?

To be continued….