Happy Memorial Day, I hope you remembered something.

Vince McMahon has taken the ring, and the way he’s settling in, it doesn’t look like he’ll be giving it up any time soon. Dammit. I guess I’m going to have to leave my cannon in Eastern United States for another friggin’ 

Vince McMahon: Hello everyone, as you may know, Triple H did the unthinkable two weeks ago, when he lightly tapped my son Shane in the head with his hand, which happened to be gripping a sledgehammer at the time. Shane suffered minor psychological scarring from that incident, and quite frankly, I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to listen to Peter Gabriel’s classic “Sledgehammer” ever again, which is, quite frankly, a shame because of all the free Peter Gabriel schwag we got after Wrestlemania this year. And if that wasn’t enough, then Hunter has to go and beat up the Spirit Squad after what was quite possibly the greatest forty five minute heat sequence I’ve ever booked. Who the hell is Triple H to come out here and waste MY overrun on cheerleader tossing? Quite frankly I found the whole issue to be deeply saddening. Now, with that in mind, I’d like to mention that WWE Presents ECW Presents a special joint production of WWE and ECW Present ECW Two Night Stand is coming up soon, and with that in mind, I should probably point out that, even though Rob Van Dam is going to beat John Cena and throw away the WWE title…wait…was that a spoiler? Eh, I’m guessing even the hillbillies have figured it out by now. Anyway, I guess all I’m trying to say is that we should probably pretend like there’s going to be a title match at Vengeance to take the edge off that DX hype that we’re not going to be able to pull the trigger on. Speaking of spoilers, apparently WWE.com ran some thing about me picking a GM on RAW this week, and well, quite frankly, my choice to play GM was the guy who played the Principle in The Breakfast Club, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. So, allow me to introduce to you, my new secretary, or should I say…sexratary….

Jonathan Coachman?

Jonathan Coachman: Hello, hello. Yes! It’s me! I’m back!

Vince: This is what HR came up with? I went through all the trouble of putting that job listing up on Monster, and they hired Coach? Friggin’ COACH?! Oh, this crap is just ridiculous. I should have just hired Dusty and been done with it.

Dusty Rhodes: Hableedoo, Mr. McMahon! Ivagooblahhado nuuugie abbo on tha motha ship, if you wheeeel!

Vince: Never mind.

Coach: And it’s my pleasure as Mr. McMahon’s personal…sexretary, to announce that John Cena will be in action tonight facing a man who he’s never faced before!

Vince: Himself in the mirror?

Dusty: His sense of selfworth?

Coach: No, no! It’s better than that! And not only is it better, but it’s totally not Randy Orton whose silhouette graphic we stole in making this match announcement. Now for my first match, I’d like to introduce Kane!

Kane v. Shelton BenjaminFor the WWE Intercontinental Title

Kane’s so far beyond the I.C. title that-

(ads)

That…that…Damn. I forgot what I was going to say. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but see Ben Stiller in all these ads and think about the wasted potential in his feud with Jarrett. Hurry, Ben! You can still get to TNA! Anyway, in the match, there ain’t no stoppin’ Kane…NAH!, which doesn’t bode particularly well for Shelton. Unfortunately, for Kane, he’s about to learn that “NAH” is an awfully short period of time, for look, through HELL FIRE AND VOICE OVERS IT’S MORE KANE~! Jesus, it took this guy four friggin’ years to make it through DSW, but he’s finally here! More Kane is rocking the huge 80s mullet and he’s comin’ with the 90s organ music. Totally awesome. More Kane with the CHOKESLAM TO OLD KANE~! Old Kane is busted! All hail your new ruler!

(ads)

Oh man! You guys, I’ve been telling you for years! More Kane is awesome!

Carlito is backstage whispering sweet nothings to an apple (I guess his marriage to Maria didn’t work out?) when he is interrupted by the Coach.

Sexretary Coachman: Carlito! Just the man I was looking for. You stalk Triple H all the time, have you seen him?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Nah, I gave up stalking Hunter, man. Stephanie’s screeching really gets to you after a while. I’m clean now, I’ve taken to hooking up with inanimate objects like this apple and Maria!

Coach: Uh…that’s great. Hey, look, if you see Triple H, tell him Mr. McMahon is looking for him, ok?

Carlito: Yeah, whatever. Man, when do I get to have a match again?

Coach: Who the hell are you?

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that if Mr. McMahon needs any…help…any help at all, anything, you know, a little wink wink nudge nudge here or there? You can call on my man, and he’ll get the job done, if you know what I’m saying.

Coach: Look here, buster, there’s only one sexretary around here, and that’s me! And we don’t need any more people to “get the job done” around here. We already have jobbers coming out of our ears! Besides, I don’t know what you’ve got to bring to the table other than a horrible accent and Jamal.

Not Important: That’s the beauty of it, you see, what I’ve got to bring to the table is a bad accent and Not Jamal!

Coach: That sure does sweeten the ol’ pot.

Viscera: Hey! Not Important, if that is your real name! I’ve been lookin’ for you! I want to fight your man Not Jamal in a match tonight, to avenge what he did to me in front of my Honey Doll Lillian last week. You hear me?

Not Important: Yeah. I’m Cuban, not deaf!

Viscera: Oh, hey there sweet cheeks!

Coach: Tee hee! You remembered!

Did Paul Heyman book that last interview segment? I’m just shocked that Viscera didn’t wander into Vince’s office leading us to….

Vince McMahon: Ah! Triple H! Did Coach find you?

Triple H: No…Was he looking for me? I just wandered in here to swipe some carrot sticks out of your veggie tray. They gave me sticks when I specifically asked for baby.

Vince: So about the fact that I essentially questioned your manhood in that promo earlier, no offense, right?

HHH: Did you? Man, I hardly ever watch this show anymore.

Vince: Well, then, no I didn’t. That was just a little joke I’m playing to razz you. You…you…you’re my favorite son-in-law, you know that? That’s why I’m putting you in a match against S.S. Kenny tonight, in the first ever S.S. Lumberjack match tonight.

HHH: That doesn’t seem very sporting.

Vince: Now that you mention it. No, it doesn’t.

HHH: I have a new sledgehammer.

Vince: Yes. I noticed that on the props budget report.

HHH: ….

Vince: ….

Kevin Dunn: And scene!

(ads)

I can’t help but think that this whole match would feel far more relevant to me if they were fighting for the right to marry Lillian Garcia. And it was happening on Internet Heat. Actually, that series of vignettes would be the single greatest thing to happen to RAW since Triple H humped a mannequin. Think about it: Not Jamal takes Lillian Garcia to deepest darkest Samoa where she learns the secrets of the Samoan Wrestler Camps. Then, they implant an steel plate into her skull and she and her loving husband get back onto Armando’s Cuban Refugee Raft and plot a course for America. I think Rock would probably like her better if she did that. Plus she can get in on that hot Samoan Dental Plan. Sadly, it is not meant to be, as Not Jamal DOES hit the Thumb To The Eye on Viscera, but he does not get a prize.

Backstage, Torrie Wilson, Trish Stratus, and Beth Dark Phoenix make their way to the ring. I really wish Beth would disintegrate Torrie for a while for dressing Chloe The RAW Satire Mutt up like friggin’ Tigger.

(ads)

For someone who is supposed to be insane with the need for vengeance against Alexis, Beth is awfully calm. Maybe she doesn’t want to get angry around Tigger. If the reason they’ve got Chloe all dressed up is to act as Beth’s control, I think it’s ok. They could have used that in X3. Maybe dressed up Kelsey Grammar as Eeyore or something. As it is, I kind of feel bad for Kidman that the dog is still on the roster but he’s not. He could have dressed up like Tigger! Also, this match makes me wonder how Boobsie feels about being supplanted by Coach as the head sexretary. Mostly, this match makes me feel apathetic, which means it’s a good thing that Beth wins in short order by throwing chairs at Boobsie with her mind. Usually that would be a DQ, but I don’t think WWE RAW Referee Mickey James is in any position to argue.

(ads)

Apparently, WWE is celebrating the mid-90s for Memorial Day.

Jerry Lawler has a mic.

Jerry Lawler: You want to celebrate the 90s? Well nothing is more 90s than me mentioning that I happen to think that ECW was Extremely Crappy Wrestling! Or how about that Tazz? He sure turned from a small orange man to a small orange man in a suit awfully fast, didn’t he? And don’t get me started on Balls Mahoney! What kind of mother names her child “Balls?”

Rob Van Dam comes out to make a counterpoint on commentary.

Rob Van Dam: Duuuude, you can hear me but you can’t see me! Maybe I’m a fabrication of your higher brain functions! Also, WWE sucks because I can’t say the “f” word around here!

Lawler: Lesbian?

RVD: No! (flippy)

Lawler: Yeah! Leave that (flippy) crap for TNA! Or should I say, “Totally Not Anything?”

Johnny Nitro, of course, was Eric Bischoff’s personal sexretary once upon a time. Might this actually be the first meeting of these two superstars? Geez. One would think I would remember such an epic clash. At least RAW got the “sort of ok looking” and “halfway charismatic” ones instead of “that one on drugs” out of MNM. Hey! They can be MN now! I’m from that state! John Cena beats the crap out of Nitro for losing to friggin’ Spanky while RVD rambles incoherently about how he’s deep in woe now that he’s off the weed because General T’dgarish left him. Cena locks in the STFU and after a few minutes of Nitro dozing off, he finally wakes up enough to tap. Using that as his cue, RVD comes in and offers Cena some Twinkies from out of his briefcase.

(ads)

Paul Heyman and Mick Foley have taken the ring. Screw it, I’m just moving all my troops into Greenland. You guys suck.

Mick Foley: First of all, I wanted to let you all know that this new arrangement is awesome, because I can stalk Melina full time now, and I don’t even have to sit through another crappy episode of Smackdown! Furthermore, I think it’s great that I’m going to be a part of ECW’s Two Night Stand, because let me tell you something, Sandman is great. You can borrow, like, fifty bucks from that guy, and he won’t even remember your name the next day. Paul, you may never have paid me, but I must’ve been making $2,000-4,000 a month off Sandman. Easy.

Paul Heyman: That’s great, Mick! You know why? Because you’re a whore, Mick. You loooove doin’ crap like Two Night Stand because you get off on seeing your face on TV, and on the notion that maybe, just maybe, wrestling fans will be stupid enough to buy your Muppet books if you come on TV and job to Randy Orton a bunch.

Foley: Who’s the bigger whore, the whore or the whore who leads her? Look at you Paul! You were supposed to be the ultimate outsider! ECW was the renegade promotion, the truest of the true rebels. Now you’ve been working for Vince McMahon for years and you’re going to stand by while he blasphemes your good name, all so that you can cash a couple paychecks! Jesus, man, I am but a wrestler, pimping my name out so that I can buy some new Christmas window clings for my house! You sir, are prostituting an entire company and more than that an ideology. Think of it, man, you’re dragging those poor unsuspecting mutants to buy “Ballz Mahoney” T-Shirts, the proceeds of which will go to fund the career of The Great Khali! Not that there’s really any difference between those two, but gosh…you’re even letting Vince put his name all over this crap, which is like…bareback prostitution.

Heyman: Oh, God. What have I done? I’ve got to call up Terry Funk and cancel the Pay-Per-Hahahaha…sorry, I just couldn’t keep that one going. Man, like I give a crap? Dude, I’ll be counting my cash in Mali while I’m sipping on some umbrella drink served by a waiter named Francesco off the back of a Brazillian supermodel while Sandman plays to 15,000 seat stadiums to a cheap knockoff of “Enter Sandman” by Saliva. I hope they hire Chris Cruise to call the show, just to twist the knife a little deeper. I’m livin’ the dream, Mick! We finally made it, you and I! ECW can pay all its bills, I’m making millions of dollars writing the same stupid crap I did back then, and you’re banking off the fact that your average WWE fans care more about your innermost sweat socks than they do about the adventures of Roadkill and Danny Doring!

Foley: Life is sweet, Paul. Who would’ve thunk we would have gotten here from “Cane Dewey?” Hahaha…Did you blow your draft picks yet? I hope you had the good sense to pick Reggie Bush. Though to tell you the truth, I would’ve taken Charlie Haas and Funaki.

Heyman: Nah…I took RVD and Kurt Angle.

Foley: Kurt Angle?!

Heyman: Yeah…See here’s the thing? Nobody’s better at convincing some broken neck dude that he should still be jumping off of balconies and hitting himself with flaming baseball bats, right?

Foley: Man, do I know that!

Heyman: Plus, if we slowly wear down their roster far enough, BAM! I’m right in there with two hours on primetime network television to ply my drug abusing, swearing, drinking, bloody trade. The censors will explode.

Kurt Angle: EC F’N W! Yeah! Let’s go crucify us some Jewish wrestlers!

Heyman: Sniff…he’s all growed up.

Then Angle decides to attack Foley for no reason. ECDUB! ECDUB!

(ads)

This Week in Wrestling History: May 28, 1981 Andre the Giant accidentally ate Little John Studd, sparking a feud that would last throughout the ages.

The Big Show v. The Innovator of Breakfast Edge (w/ Lita)
In a Number Two Contenders Match

It must be nice to be Number Two. No word on whether or not this match is also for one half of the WWE Hardcore Championship though. I’m not quite sure what to make of Lita’s cleavage, only to note that I can’t see the bottom of her boobs so it’s not quite good enough tonight. Sorry. I hope Danny Doring comes out at Two Night Stand and takes her back. Those two were meant for each other. Either that or Esse Rios. He can feud with Angle! Big Show has control for the opening minute of this match using his skillet sized hands (TM Jim Ross) to really cook Edge’s bacon, but Edge scrambles to recover, and ends up pancaking show in the face with a toaster behind the ref’s back. Then Edge pulls out some Peanut Butter and Jelly Pop Tarts and shoves them in Show’s mouth for the win. Edge is going to Vengeance~!

Vince is backstage with Hunter.

Vince McMahon: Coach is still looking for you, man. What a trooper.

Triple H: Hahaha…thanks for the carrots, Vince.

Vince: No problem. But I’m going to have to take your sledgehammer back.

HHH: Why’s that?

Vince: It seems you already went through your 2006 prop budget buying “assorted firs and greaves” and something called the “Pumpmaster XXL.”

HHH: Hehehe…Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Uh…do you think you could swing me a couple extra bucks from the Kane movie to keep me afloat for the next few months?

Vince: Sorry, I’ve got to teach you some responsibility, young man. Now get out there and win that match without your silly rubber hammer.

HHH: You’re no fun!

(ads)

Cheer time!

Spirit Squad (minus Kenny): Ready? Ok!

It’s time to play the Game!
It’s time to play the Game!
Kenny’d better win,
Or our push will come up lame!
GOOOOO KENNY!

Spirit Squad Kenny (w/ the Spirit Squad) v. Triple H
In a SpiritJack Match

I haven’t had Spirit Jacks in forever. Mostly because they didn’t taste like real spirits. Sometimes I pour a little gin in my Cheerios, but it just isn’t the same. I wonder how the rest of the Squaders feel now that they know they’re just fodder for the Kenny push. I bet they feel like furiously blowing an air horn. The S.S. can be pretty fierce when provoked. Hunter beats the entire S.S. up, and then, realizing we’re not even into the overrun yet, he runs around the ringside area pointing to everybody wearing a DX shirt so that we can keep the subtle build going while Shawn is rehabbing his knee. Speaking of rehab, I’m gonna go get me some Gin-ios.

(ads)

Woo! That’s the stuff. I wonder what ever happened to Flair. Oh! Maybe he’s in deepest darkest Samoa, learning their culture and fighting styles so that he can come back and beat Not Jamal at his own game (Fireball Island). Oh! Maybe he’s back in the asylum with Papa Morris and Asya! Meh. He’s probably just sitting at home yelling at the plants and chopping the TV while an embarrassed Reid has to usher his girlfriend away from the foyer. Where is my mind today? Ok. Focus. Match. Triple H…is beating everybody up. Again. Gah. Have you seen those artsy semi-nudes that the Funks took of Alexis while she was at the Conservatory? I know she did porn and stuff, but still…get on with your old self Dory! Hahahaha…poor Kenny. Hunter hits the PEDIGREE TO KENNY, which is pretty much just insult to injury at this point. After the match, the Squad tries to regroup, but Hunter goes under the ring and pulls out…HIS SLEDGEHAMMER! Sledgehammer shots abound until Vince walks out.

Vince McMahon: Hunter! You directly disobeyed a financially related order! This is absolutely unacceptable. That’s $38.86 out of your Veggie Tray budget, and next week, you’re going to have to kiss my ass!

Triple H: But…but…Can I still come to your office and swipe veggies from you?

Vince: Of course!

Next Week: Feeling the pressure of the slow summer season, WWE debuts a third, Midget-sized Kane. Mick Foley and Paul Heyman find an ECW fan in the crowd and throw thumbtacks at them. And John Cena tries to emulate Johnny Nitro’s belt penis, with disastrous Spinnin’ results.

Elsewhere….

Rob Van Dam: So, I guess we lost The Mountie.

Tommy Dreamer: But how will we find out what happened to Lance and uncover a global conspiracy that threatens to take over WWE and destroy the new ECW?

Paul Heyman: Quite simple, my dear Tommy. Look at this print of “Dogs Playing Poker.” Notice anything funny?

Dreamer: That the dogs are playing poker? They shouldn’t be able to do that! They’re dogs!

RVD: No! Look! The Collie doesn’t have a chair!

Heyman: Exactly, Rob!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Heyman: And what does that tell you?

Dreamer: Collies don’t sit in chairs!

Heyman: No! Rob?

RVD: That…this painting is part of a century long conspiracy to put an end to professional wrestling, but that if anyone can solve the mysteries behind the painting they win a trip to Tahiti?

Heyman: Everything but that last part, yes!

Dreamer: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

Heyman: Is it so stupid, Tommy? Is it?

Dreamer: Yes it is.

RVD: Look, that dog has the two of spades hidden on his chair!

Heyman: Which means?

RVD: He’s cheating! Just like Eddie Guerrero! This is the break we’ve been looking for! Come on, Purple Elephant!

Dreamer: I don’t…get it.

Heyman: Just come on, Tommy. The Holy Grail of wrestling awaits!

To Be Continued….