Triple H: …so what I’m saying is, don’t I own half of ECW? I mean that was the storyline, right? You bought WCW and Stephanie bought ECW, so I should own at least half of that. Put me in there against Mikey Whipwreck and let me win an ECW Title. That’d get me one step closer to Flair.

HHH: I knew I shouldn’t have signed that damn thing. I just should’ve drugged her again.

Shane: That would’ve been the plan. Hell, that’s how I conned Marissa into giving me a lifetime’s supply of Beefaroni. Married or not.

HHH: Sweet deal, man. So, am I really going to have to kiss Vince’s ass tonight?

Shane: I dunno, man. I didn’t write this show. What’s it to you anyway? I understand you’re not altogether unfamiliar with my family’s anal regions.

HHH: What happened between me and Linda is none of your-

Shane: I was talking about Stephanie.

HHH: Haha…yeah. Good times.

(Opening Credits)

Paul Heyman and Jonathan Coachman are in the ring with John Cena and Rob Van Dam. I guess they’re doing a contract signing for the ECW PPV which is…this weekend? Geez. I better call my cable or satellite provider quick.

Paul Heyman: I’d like to introduce you to our next champion! The one man capable of uncovering all the mysteries surrounding the world of professional wrestling today, Rob Van Dam!

Rob Van Dam: Thanks, Paul. Although, I do question how much respect you have for me after never ever giving me the ECW title, even after I’d made the TV title worth even more.

Heyman: Rob, the first round of drug tests are over. You’re safe. They nailed the Fukui guy from Iron Chef and WWE Smackdown Referee Jim Kordaris.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Heyman: Please, continue.

RVD: Duuuuude, John Cena? You know what’s going to happen at ECW’s Two Night Stand? You’re going to get torn apart by the sheer force of smarkiness from the ECW fans! Their biting emails and scathing Livejournal posts will surely destroy the every fiber of your being until all that’s left is a pale husk of a man, clinging to his “Chain Gang” T-Shirt and rapping the words to “Humpty Dumpty.” ECW fans are the most passionate fans alive, John! And they are prepared to raze your very soul for daring to desecrate our sacred beer-soaked ground.

Cena: Yo! Hold up a second homey! I am an ECW fan!

Heyman: YOU?! What’s your MySpace, then?

Cena: Shut your mouth! I’ll tell you what! I used to watch ECW all the time when it was back on TNN!

Heyman: Oh yeah? What time were we on?

Cena: Five minutes before Rock ‘N’ Bowl and Rollerjam?

RVD: Woah! Maybe you were an ECW fan!

Cena: That’s right, and lo though I walk through the valley of Steve Corino I shall See No Evil! For I walk into the lion’s mouth to secure what is rightfully mine. On this Spinny World Title, a chalice, to which I am beholden to defend against the slings and trash cans of men! Lo! I say I enter the Hammerstein Ballroom to cast out the great Satan that has gripped this ring on this very night, I as the captain of my troops cry out “Down with ECW! Out with you mongrels!”

RVD: What the heck was that?

Heyman: Somebody backstage is feeding him bad Olde English cliches! ECW Troops, rescue us!

Cena: That doesn’t bother me! I’ve stepped in a cage with pitbulls!

RVD: Duuude really? Even the dead one?

Here are Balls Mahoney, The Sandman, Terry Funk, and TOMMY F’N DREAMER! Sandman is apparently coming down to “Enter Sandman” in his head, because he inadvertently enters himself into a race with Terry Funk to see who can waste the most of this segment’s time just getting down to the ring. Once they’re assembled, however, the ECW Alumi all take their shots at Cena, leaving him bloodied and laying on the table, when out of nowhere it’s…SABU! TNA! TNA! TNA! No? Anyway, Sabu (disoriented by the fact that this ring features fully two less sides of impact and that he’s not jobbing to Abyss) just kind of jumps at Cena. The table is so afraid of what Sabu might attempt to do next, it collapses in terror. Before the ECW stars can get too cocky, however, the RAW locker room clears of such luminaries as…uh…Viscera and…Trevor Murdoch and…Brooklyn Brawler? This sudden insurgence of marginal name value scatters the ECW flock, leaving them to regroup by the hotdog vendor. Well, except for Sabu, who got lost trying to find the “heel” entry ramp and Terry Funk, who is still attempting to make it into the ring.

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There ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from not defending his title…NAH! Carlito is looking a little pudgier than usual. Or maybe he just cut his hair and he looks pudgier than usual. Without the Intercontinental Title on the line or Mama Benjamin wheeling around ringside, this can’t help but be a bit of a let down from the last segment. That had Balls Mahoney and Lance Cade in an epic staredown. You can’t really expect Shelton and Carlito to compete with that by themselves. Carlito does a backflip in the corner, and then pins Benjamin. What is this? TNA Night?

See No Evil is still in theatres apparently. Neat.

HHH is backstage. He slowly approaches Vince’s door and then backs off. Vince slowly approaches the door from the other side, and then backs off. Hunter and Vince stare longingly at the door handle, waiting for the other to turn it, hoping that their sweet love will take the initiative. Sadly, when Hunter has finally built up the nerve to open the door where he meets…Coach?

Jonathan Coachman: ‘Sup, Hunter?

Triple H: What the hell? Where’s Vince? It thought he was supposed to be on the other side of the door waiting for me.

Coach: Well, he got tired of that, so instead he went to catering to make little hats out of the cupcake wrappers.

HHH: Without me? Sigh. I guess I’ll just wait for him here then. Do you want some celery?

Coach: Hell yeah.

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When we come back, a be-cupcakewrapperhatted Vince enters the room and shares a longing glance a the portrait of Shawn Michaels kissing his ass.

Vince McMahon: You know, Triple H, quite frankly, if you play your cards right, that could be you some day.

Triple H: Yeah…about that, Vince. Look, I’m sorry about the sledgehammer thing. It was an accident! And you were right to take my veggie budget away! But this whole ass kissing thing, so long as it’s literal, is going way too far. I mean, have you seen your ass lately?

Vince: You know, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m really not sure what, you know, diseases my daughter has. And now that I think about it, quite frankly, I’m not sure I’d want any lips that have touched her intimately to be next to my hooha. You know what I’m saying.

HHH: I’m right there with you, man.

Vince: So with that in mind, how about this? If you can beat the Big Show, I’ll call off the “Kiss My Ass” thing and schedule Balls Mahoney v. Lance Cade as the main event, what do you say?

HHH: Hell, anybody can beat the Big Show. You’re on, chief. See you in a few!

Vince: I think I have a sprinkle in my hair.

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Triple H v. Big Show
In a Match In Which if Triple H Wins He Avoids the Kiss My Ass Main Event, But if Big Show Wins He…HAHAHAHAHAHA…Wait, Hunter Can’t Win This, Right?

Ah, the great wrestling paradox. What do you do if neither man can win? Triple H spits some water to start. Then Show bails and the Spirit Squad attacks him and runs off. Thanks for coming to RAW tonight, guys. That’s good enough for the DQ though. Aha! Nobody wins, but Hunter is the bigger loser. Well…tonight anyway. Hunter storms around the ring while Show stands outside looking forlorn. I think he misses Kane. He should have volunteered to be More Kane, then. Match of the Night candidate for sure.

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Hunter is backstage in Vince’s office again.

Triple H: Oh, come on! You can not expect me to take that decision seriously.

Vince McMahon: Look, all I’m saying is that as the General Manager of our fantasy baseball team, I’m telling you right now that I’m not going to do you any favors just because your team revolved entirely around Albert Pujols. You should have known better. I could probably get you Frank Thomas on the cheap….

HHH: No thank you. And another thing, what’s with sending the Spirit Squad out to attack Big Show and thus costing me my match and forcing me to kiss your ass. I thought you didn’t even want me to do it because you were afraid of Stephanie cooties.

Vince: I had second thoughts. After all, I’ve never been kissed by a man with a crazy mustache before. I thought it might be fun.

HHH: Aw crap. Are you sure there’s nothing else I can do?

Vince: You could give up chasing Ric Flair’s ridiculous title count.

HHH: Forget that! I’m the Barry Bonds of wrestling!

Vince: Well, then get ready to kiss my asterix.

HHH: God, that was lame.

Poor Matt has already been delegated to “already in the ring” status. Eugene drags ol’ Hacksaw out, and for a second there I was hoping that Striker was going to be wrestling Duggan, because Jim Duggan matches make the world go ‘round. I guess I’ll have to settle for Hacksaw running around outside the ring chanting “U-S-A” much to the consternation of…uh…Our Canadian viewers? Eventually, the strain to comprehend the whole thing ends when Eugene nails the Three Point Stance on Striker, but before he can run backstage to blog about how he’s totally jumping ship to go to ECW, he and Duggan are attacked by Totally Not Jamal. Not Jamal hits the Thumb to the Eye on Duggan, while Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon grabs the mic.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: I guess you could say this match lasted, how you say, not quite three minutes? Which is perfect because you just felt the terror of the Samoan Stapling Machine, Totally Not Jamal!

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Here’s Kurt Angle. Buh?

Kurt Angle: Hi guys. Did you see my mouth piece? Can you read what it says? It says “Splefunderence.” It barely fits. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to Warrior Dental. Anyway, enough about that though, because I’m just here because we’re in Pittsburg, which is my home town, and also to promote my transfer to the ECW brand. Surely being hit over the head with Kendo Sticks and jumping off balconies will be much easier on my neck than wrestling Mark Henry every friggin’ week.

Here’s Mick Foley.

Mick Foley: No doubt, Kurt, that wrestling in ECW is completely and 110% safer than wrestling Mark Henry. However, and I hate to point this out, what in the ever living crap do you have to do with ECW? I mean seriously. Ok, there was that one time you were going to come in and wrestle Taz, but you freaked out because Raven was crucifying people again, but seriously, nobody but Internet nerds know that crap.

Kurt Angle: Who the hell do you think watches both wrestling and the Sci-Fi channel, Mick? The only way this could be more perfect is if we were on Adult Swim between episodes of Saved by the Bell and Sealab! I mean, think about it! I don’t have to have anything to do with ECW, sure, but what does that matter? I’m guessing there’s a billion people out there who can’t wait to see Balls Mahoney in a Four Star resthold fest, and dammit, I’m going to give it to them! And then I’m going to crucify him!

Foley: You know what’s sad, is when you and John Cena are about as close to ECW as it gets on this show. You guys are harder than Sabu anyway.

Angle: Yeah? Well…you’re a whore, Mick! A cheap, dirty whore who likes to take large sums of money to stand around and take up space every week. And, ever since my wife left me, I-

Lita: Hold on a minute, did I hear somebody say “open challenge?”

Foley: Well, I heard you’re a pretty “open challenge” if you know what I mean?

Angle: Err…yeah, that’s right. Anybody from anywhere, I don’t care how many sides your ring has, I’ll take on anybody. Even somebody from a twenty sided ring, which features fully 3 times as many points of impact as this ring!

The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge: I just came out here just now, because I realized that if we didn’t hurry up, we were going to run out of time on this show, and I wouldn’t appear at all. Please, carry on with your assuredly meaningful promo.

Angle: Nah, I’ve pretty much said everything that was written down.

Foley: Oh yeah? Well, I’ll write you down! You’re less like the Pittsburg Steelers and more like the Pittsburg Pirates! In that you’re a big Pirate. Yar. Ok, I’m done too.

Edge: Does anyone want to try some of my Salmon and Chex Soufflé?

Angle: Does Sylvester Turkay sound kind of like a cartoon character to you guys? That’s always bothered me.

As everyone starts to shuffle out of the ring, this segment having reached its natural conclusion, Angle’s mouthpiece falls out and he slips on it and falls. ORTON WINS~!

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Randy Orton.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Randy Orton, and Randy, I’ve got to ask you, did your suspension humble you at all?

Randy Orton: Hells no. I’m back at the top of the card now, biatches!

Grisham: Well, why the shocking appearance to attack Kurt Angle?

Orton: To tells you the tooth, Toddster, I’ve been plannering this for the longest time! I made that splefunderence mouthpiece for him, so that he would traipse upon it! All to get him in the back for bringing my ankle to ruinance as a way to explicate my suspension to the unwilling Snackdown audience! Forsoothe, Toddster! The backening of Orton has beginned!

Todd Grisham launches himself into a nearby wall, killing him instantly. Todd Grisham has fallen. Orton wins again!

I wonder if Cade is mad that Sabu is here. That’s another guy gone who can’t job to him! This match is pretty much all Kane until The Evil Mask Appears on the Titan Tron. And the Evil Mask is all like, “If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, Kane come on backstage!” So Kane does, because of course he thinks he’s sexy. You know I wonder if that whole thing doesn’t have something to do with the time traveling X-Pac? Anyway, Kane gets counted out by a surprisingly attentive WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan, so Cade and Murdoch celebrate their first victory since two years ago.

Backstage, Kane is eerily stalking himself.

Kane: I know you’re around here somewhere, More Kane! I can feel your presence. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy as Self and Past Self! Come on, man. I don’t want to fight you! I saw how bad that turned out for Taker. Let’s be a tag team so we can be the first person ever to hold the title by ourselves.

But More Kane isn’t having any of that, so after a few stiff right hands and a garbage can full of clangy pipes to the face. More Kane stalks off, leaving Kane to contemplate his future with himself.

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The Highlanders are coming to RAW. I can’t wait until the Internet Heat where they realize there can be only one of them, and Duncan takes Richie’s head.

Haas runs out to the ring and launches Lillian into the second row. Nice to see somebody is in the ECW spirit. Oh, man. If this results in a Viscera/Haas feud, it will be the best thing ever. Especially since Haas obviously was aiming right for Lillian. Anyway, while the crowd undergoes various stages of watching the ring announcer writhe in pain on the ground, Haas takes control of Nitro and then threatens Melina. My, my. Temper temper, Charlie. No wonder Jackie is so uptight. Nitro wins which the crowd loves, because Charlie Haas is a big old jerk.

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Here’s a replay of Lillian falling. Orton wins!

Alexis has opted for a perm this week, which is actually pretty nice looking. I wonder if she’s prettying up in case Raven comes back to ECW. Anyway, Alexis and Trish prance around at ringside while Victoria and Beth roll around in the ring. Everything is going just swimmingly until Chris Benoit shows up and says that, as the Rabid Wolverine, he has just realized that he’s in love with Beth, whose jaw drops so far that it shatters on the floor below. Victoria uses this distraction to pull down Beth’s pants, but Beth uses her mental powers to throw Victoria across the ring and get the win. This is the most coherent the women’s division has been in years.

Backstage, Vince and Shane are talking.

Vince McMahon: So everything is set up, right? Triple H is totally going to fall for your completely clever trap.

Shane McMahon: I’ve got it all planned out, Vince. A little bit of this Spanish Fly and you won’t be able to stop him from getting all up in your crack there.

Vince: That’s what I like to hear my son saying! Shane, you make me proud.

Shane: Yeah. Nothing makes me happier than being my dad’s drug bearing wingman and setting him up with big greasy men.

Vince: Shane, come over here and give Daddy a hug.

Shane: Uh…no.

Dusty Rhodes has a DVD! His greatest promos! Sapphire! I hope they have him do match commentary on all the matches. With Stevie Ray.

(ads)

Jerry Lawler would like to respond to Tazz’s…Tazz’ Taz’z…Tazzzzz’z challenge last week on Smackdown.

Jerry Lawler: Apparently, Tazz has been talking a lot of crap about me over there on Smackdown. I wouldn’t know because I don’t watch that crap. But Tazz, let me make something perfectly clear, I’m going to accept your challenge against my better judgment. Not because I hate Extremely Crappy Wrestling, or because I hate announcer fights. On the contrary, I love announcer fights. But what I really object to is a 3’ 4” man with orange skin and a broken back is coming out here challenging a 60 year old sex fiend who can’t really wrestle anymore. That just doesn’t sound like anything I would do on paper. But then again, what the hell, right? At least I’ll get paid for showing up at this ECW show.

Jim Ross: Haioo!

In Triple H’s locker room, a plan is hatched.

Shane McMahon: Hello, Hunter. I hope you don’t mind my dad. You know how he is. He gets all crazy when people talk about kissing his ass, and he gets to break out his special thong and all that. Here, have a perfectly innocent bottle of water, on me.

Triple H: Wow. Thanks Shane. The seal is already broken for me and everything.

Shane: That’s what brothers are for, man. I hope you…what are you doing?

HHH: I’m spitting it, man. That’s what I do with water. PFFT! Gotta work on that. PFFFT! Good form, huh?

Shane: Hahaha…yeah. Great. Aren’t you a little thirsty though?

HHH: Nah. I’ve been hittin’ the YJStinger. But you look like you could use something.

Shane: Well, I am a little parched. Thanks for the water.

HHH: That’s what brothers are for!

Uh-Oh.

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Vince and Shane have hit the ring.

Vince McMahon: Triple H, you’ve avoided it all night, but now it’s time! Time to kiss my ass! Are you ready, Shane?

Shane: Snarfle…gurgi…bmphx?

Vince: Ha! You tell ‘em! Well, quite frankly, you’d better get ready to bow to the master!

Break it down!

Triple H: Well, Vince, I’m here. Let’s get this over with.

Vince: Shane, make sure that he gets down there and does what the good drugs tell him he wants to do.

Shane: I love you, dad.

Vince: Quite frankly, son, I love you too.

Shane: I love you, love you.

Vince: Uh…son, don’t stare at my ass too long. You’ll go blind.

Shane falls over. ORTON WINS AGAIN! They wasted no time pushing him. Now, Vince, pants around his ankles, realizes what has transpired. PEDIGREE TO VINCE! Somebody play Hunter’s music. No, not that music, his other music!

Next Week: John Cena returns triumphant after successfully defending his title with the help of New Jack who thought Cena was “hard.” Fall out from the Kiss My Ass fiasco comes in the form of Triple H losing his backstage go-kart privileges for a month. And also Kane and More Kane take on the Highlanders. There can be only one of each!

Tommy Dreamer: Did you guys see that? I totally wasted that John Cena guy. You could tell that Tony Garea was in fear of my mad skills.

Paul Heyman: Would you shut up, Tommy? Rob is deciphering this coded message in the title contract that will lead us to the next clue to the great secret of professional wrestling that will solve, among other things, what happened to Lance Storm, how can there be two Kanes, and who raised the briefcase?

Dreamer: Bossma-

Rob Van Dam: Let’s see, if I change the J and the C…Cohn Jena! Ruck Fules! Yeah! All right!!

Dreamer: This is hopeless.

Chris Benoit: Tommy?! How are you doing, man? I haven’t seen you since Wrestlemania a couple years back! Remember? The One Title?

Heyman: Yes, yes. We were all there.

Dreamer: OH! Mr. Benoit!

Benoit: Ow! Ow! The…the shoulder. Watch the shoulder.

Dreamer: Mr. Benoit, it’s so good to see you, but I thought you ret-

RVD: I’ve got it! This contract is telling me that…in order to expose the greatest secret in professional wrestling I’ve got to…Go to the ECW Arena? The High Church of Hardcore?

???: Very good! There you will learn the great mysteries of our sport! You must explode this truth onto the world!

Heyman: Magneto?

Benoit: Sounds more like Gandalf. Which means….

Dreamer: MR. FLAIR!!

Ric Flair: WOO! Style and BY GOD profile all over this mystery! THE NATURE BOY IS BACK!

Heyman: What the hell do you want, Ric?

Flair: The same thing you want, Paul. To save the mutants.

Heyman: The mutants are fans, just like any other. I want equality, not a superiority complex. You wouldn’t understand!

Flair: Heyman! I’ll take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOO!

Benoit: What the hell are they talking about, bub?

Dreamer: I have no clue.

RVD: Guys, do you know what today is?

Benoit: Yeah. 6/6/-

RVD: 4/20! Yeah! All right!!

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I say, gentlemen, did somebody mention 6/6/06?

The Mountie: Dr. The Boogeyman! I’m placing you under arrest!

King Booker: By royal decree, SUCKA!

Dr. The Boogeyman: By my stars and garters!

The Sandman: This whole place is messed up. Why did I sign a contract?

RVD: To the ECW Arena!