Trish Stratus v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

Well, it’s good to see WWE finally realized that you can’t have a women’s division without at least one face. It’s also nice to see that Alexis has discovered the magic of “tops that bounce around with your

Melina: Contrary to popular belief, I did not come out here to talk about my quasi-relationship with “Dave” Batista “Davidson.” No, no! I came out here because I saw Trish on TV and I thought that it would be totally awesome if I were able to continue my super hot feud with her from last ye…wait a second, you don’t have the belt any more?

Trish Stratus: Uh…no! Duh! I lost it to Alexis months ago!

Melina: Well that sucks. How am I supposed to get involved in the women’s division if you’re the only face who fights, and you don’t even have the belt?

Trish: I dunno. Maybe we can convince WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Mathews to come back now that they killed off his character on Smackdown.

Melina: Are you friggin’ kidding me? Josh is WAY too hot to be on this show!

Johnny Nitro: Hey, ladies! I hate to interrupt, but check out my title belt! Floppity floppity floppity!

Carlito Caribbean Cool has seen just about enough of this segment. Me too. Whoever does Melina’s eye makeup? Not cool. Anyway, Carlito runs off M and N, and then, embarrassingly, has to motion his hands in the international signal for “I want the penis.” For shame, Carlito!

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Trish meets up with Carlito backstage.

Trish Stratus: Thanks for ending that segment for me.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: It’s cool. You’re cool. I’m cool. Yeah. Everything? Cool.

Trish: Look, I’d normally offer to sleep with a guy for helping me not get beat up by an angry Latina and her miniscule boyfriend, but I saw you out there making the “I want the penis” signal. So…good luck.

Carlito: Wait! No! You see, Nitro…his belt…you know…penis. You know what I’m saying, right?

Trish: I guess I kind of get where you’re coming from, there. Just, hey, if you ever win that title, make sure you spray it down with some disinfectant or something, you know what I’m saying?

Carlito: Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. Now…do you want to go play with my floppity floppity? Because…that would be cool…at least I think that would be cool.

Trish: Meh. Maybe next week. My shoulder is cramping up. I never knew Canada had so many C-List celebrities!

Is Carlito already divorcing Maria? What a slut! He’s worse than Stacy!

The Spirit Squad is backstage screaming.

Spirit Squad Mikey: This isn’t fair, you guys! It was a handicap match! Who had the handicap? Not us!

Spirit Squad Kenny: I think we lost because we had Mitch on our team!

Spirit Squad Johnny: Yeah, Mitch! Way to not contribute! We would have been better off calling up Spirit Squad Porky than you!

Spirit Squad Nicky: These pants are WAY too tight! WAY tight!

Spirit Squad Mitch: Mr. McMahon! Make them stop!

Shane McMahon: That’s enough! All of you! The S.S. failed to get the job done last night….

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I think the only thing we can concede them accomplishing is “the job,” Shane.

Shane: Well, be that as it may, I think we should take the fight to them in a different way. A way that relies less on Mitch’s involvement. A lot less.

S.S. Mitch: Hey!

Shane: Pipe down, Mitch! Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Pops?

Vince: I sure think so, Shane, but where are we going to get 300 yards of dental floss and a flamingo at four in the morning?

Shane: No! We’ll take on DX ourselves!

Vince: Hmm…that plan doesn’t involve any birds. Or any handicap matches. But…I guess it’s time to think outside the box. I’m in!

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I read that Kim Chee can prevent Avian Bird Flu, so what he’s doing on RAW, I don’t know. Totally Not Jamal is rocking the Carolina Hurricanes face paint tonight in honor of the fact that RAW is not broadcast on OLN. Thank God. Do you suppose Kamala could defect to ECW? It’d be worth a shot. He’s a better promo than Sandman that’s for sure. Anyway, Kamala is all blubber afire to start, but that is but a fleeting moment as Not Jamal hits the Thumb to the Eye for the win. I remember Kamala being tougher than that. I hope this means he’ll be a legend in the new Smackdown vs. RAW game though. After the match, Armando gets on the mic and proclaims that his name, like this match, is Not Important.

DIVA SEARCH 2006~!

“The Miz”: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen! I am the Miz, a Josh Mathews for the new generation! I’m here looking to see if there’s any ladies hot enough, desperate enough, skanky enough to be on Real World vs. Road Rules 43: The Houseboat with me!

Ashley Massaro: Um, Michael, aren’t we supposed to be here trying to find somebody to replace me now that I’m all old and busted?

Miz: That’s Miz, bitchycakes, and hell if I know! I’m just here to look up girl’s skirts! Maybe if we’re lucky, my Fear Factor: Reality All Stars partner Trishelle will show up! I know she’s skanky enough to be on Smackdown! Maybe she’ll sleep with Batista. Hell, I know she will!

Jonathan Coachman: So…I don’t get to do this this year?

Some Girl: Oh darn. Looks like we miss out on this crap this year, Coach.

Tough Enough Jessie: This used to be harder! WAAAAAAAAH!

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Todd Grisham is in the ring with Torrie Wilson and Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt.

Todd Grisham: What the hell am I doing in the ring? And with Torrie Wilson, no less.

Torrie Wilson: And Chloe! Don’t forget Chloe!

Todd: Just shut up and tell me what I’m doing out here!

Torrie: Silly Todd! You’re out here to help me unveil the cover of the WWE Summer Magazine, on sale everywhere tomorrow!

Todd: Oh joy. Let me just pull this tarp off this thing and…Wow. You in a bikini spurting mustard all over a hot dog. My mind is blown.

Torrie: Thanks, Toddster!

Todd: Don’t call me that! And I was being facetious.

Before Todd can explain what facetious means, he’s interrupted by The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge and Lita. Todd decides to use the giant magazine cover to give himself the world’s largest paper cut. Todd Grisham has fallen.

The Innovator of Breakfast, Edge: Is anybody else as tired of this segment as me? And what the hell is the deal with me not winning the title last night? I mean…RVD can’t keep having two titles, right? That’s like me making chocolate dipped waffle omelets. Those things just don’t go together! Isn’t that right, Lita?

Lita: Speak for yourself, farty pants. I could go for a good waffle omelet right about now.

Edge: Agh. Never mind. You people will never understand me. Maybe Chris Tian was right. “They just don’t ‘get’ us Tians,” he said. Not that he has it any better over there in Total Nonstop Apathy land, or anything, but geez. It’s all a guy can do just to get interview time on this show, you know? Pfft. That’s it. I’m out of here for the night. Maybe I can find an all night Waffle Omelet joint around here.

Fans grope Lita as they exit. I guess that’s the benefit of paying for the seating upgrade? Edge runs over to a merchandise stand.

Edge: Do you have any of my hot new, “Rated R for Rutabaga” T-Shirts?

Concession Standman: Hell yeah! We haven’t sold one yet!

Edge: Well, give them to me. I’m going to go set up a table at a local Indy show.

Concession Standman: You got it.

Edge: Oh, and do you have any of those Torrie Wilson posters where you can totally see her nipples?

Lita: Focus!

Edge: Because if you do, it’s sick! There are children present! Children with no nipples! Lita! Let’s get out of here!

Lita: Hold on, I don’t think every male in the arena has a had a chance to honk my knockers yet.

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Maria (nee Caribbean Cool Punk Tennyson Lund) is standing by with John Cena….

Maria (nee Caribbean Cool Punk Tennyson Lund): Maria neep Calipers Creep Monks Tremendously Lurking here, and I’m standing by with John Cena. John, my sources say that you’re suddenly saluting everything from 4-year old girls to potted plants. Why the sudden change in mannerisms?

John Cena: To tell you the truth, Maria, I have a crappy movie coming out a number of months from now, and well…I’ve gotta start promoting it now, or else it’ll do crappy and they’ll do a fake John Cena storyline with me. So I just salute whenever I get the chance. Like right now. I salute you.

Maria: That’s hot. I’m single again! Wanna get married?!

Cena: Nah. I’d rather rap about the WWE Title!

RVD, you got my spinnin’ belt,
But your time as champ is over!
I’ve got more hot rhymes,
Than Big Bird and Grover!

I’m hard like Cookie Monster,
More White Trash than Oscar,
The guy in the trash can, I mean,
Not the guy on MOM’s roster!

RVD, ECW, goin’ down tonight!
Everything is now very clear,
Edge lost so I could win,
THE CHAMP IS-

Maria: Still RVD?

Cena: DAMN IT!

Nice to see Val and Viscera back together. I wonder how long it will take them to remember that they swore revenge on the Spirit Squad for injuring Val. What do you mean “never?” This whole thing is clearly all a set-up for Charlie Haas to run out and get his gross bandana all up in Lillian Garcia’s “grill” so that Vis is distracted and hit with The Stroke for the easy win. Cade and Murdoch are back on top! I hope Jim Cornette doesn’t run down and strip them of their win, though. After the match Charlie Haas honors his wife and the memory of his brother by making kissy faces at Lillian while Val tries to council Viscera that this angle probably isn’t worth the trouble.

Brooke Hogan’s video airs. It’s better than Paris Hilton’s I’ll give her that. But on the Pro-Wrestling scale of John Cena Playing Wiffleball to Disqo Duck: The Musical I give this one a solid Rey Misterio Looks Confused and Twelve.

Backstage, Randy Orton is having sexual thoughts about a seventeen year old. Quick, what’s the age of consent in North Carolina?! Somebody ask Ric Flair!

Elsewhere, backstage….

Vince McMahon: What is the age of consent in North Carolina?

Shane McMahon: No time for that pops, we’ve got some DX to bash! You got your lead pipe?

Vince: Nah. I don’t want to get lead poisoning. Instead I got this pool noodle.

Shane: Sigh.

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Vince McMahon strides down to the ring…wait…that’s not Vince at all! That’s Triple H! Oh, what a clever ruse!

Triple Mac: HaHA! Quite frankly, I’m out here, quite frankly, to waste about twenty minutes of your time. Because, quite frankly, that’s completely different than what I would do as Triple H, quite frankly! Man, somebody backstage said that Carlito and Trish already milked the penis humor well dry though, so I really don’t have anything. Uh…XFL! Haha…that’s always good for a laugh. Thanks for that one, Maven! Uh…What are some other good Vinceisms? Hmm…YOUR FIIIIIIAARRRRED! He says that all the time! Er…”If you’re going to do bondage with Stephanie in the basement, at least use a gag!” Holy crap, I just realized Johnny Nitro is the top champion on this show. Where the hell have I been the last few months? God, I’ve got to get on the real Vince’s case about that. Maybe Shawn and I can be co-champions of RAW or something. Holy Jesus, I haven’t had a title for over a year! What the hell is that all about?! Err…I mean…You’re FIIIIIRRRRED! Who wants to look at my ass?!

Shawno-Mac: Booyah! I say it again, “Booyah!” How’s it goin,’ pops?

Triple Mac: Why! It’s my son, the product of my semen, Shawn McMahon!

Shawno-Mac: Booyah! I can’t wait until Stephanie pops out her kid, so I can lord over her the fact that I’ve got two sons, and they’re sure to get more money than Stephanie’s stupid kid!

Triple Mac: Hmmm…Shawn-o, I think you’re forgetting who the father of that stupid kid is….

Shawno-Mac: Test?

Triple Mac: Grrr….

Shawno-Mac: How the hell long have we been at this anyway?

Triple Mac: Just long enough that it’s time to…STAND BACK!

Shane Helms: Awesome! I’m still the Cruiserweight champion. Did you know that?

Triple Mac: Shut up. Nobody cares. Play the music video.

Check out Macho Man playing the trumpet. Everybody cheer for Hogan!

Vince McMahon: All right, all right. You’ve had your fun. Woah. Check me out. I look good in polyester!

Shane McMahon: Is…is Shawn supposed to be me? I don’t get it.

Then the Spirit Squad comes out to survey the situation.

Triple Mac: Well, look who it is! The Spirit Jerkoffs! We’ve got a present for all you guys, because you’re full of CRAP!

Big Show drives out in the Ready to Rumble septic truck and gives the McMahons and the Spirit Squad a feces bath. See that? They’re crapping all over Eddie’s memory! Hehehe…Crapping.

Shawn-Mac: And if you’re not down with potty humor, we’ve got TWO WORDS FOR YOU!

Crowd: Suck it!

Little Mac: Ok, that sure was fun, fellas, but I’ve got to go over to ECW to challenge The Sandman. Have a good rest of the night, though!

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Ric Flair is in his home. I hope he’s staying away from the shark infested stream!

Ric Flair: Sixteen, the same as the number of my World Titles!

Randy Orton: Yes!

Flair: WOO! Anyway, I asked for this time to night because…FOLEY! MICK WOO BY GOD FOLEY! I’m gonna take your old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! Because I may be the oldest ride in the park, but I’m made out of concrete and steel! And Foley?! FOLEY! You made your career out of being pushed off cages and jobbing to The Rock! Now you want to throw our match?! Lose to me?! You already lost! Lose to me?! You already lost! ThatswhyImsixteentimeswoonatureboyricbygodflairandthats whyyourethechampwoo styleandprofilejeflyinlimoridinwheelindealin ladystealinsonofagunwhodoesntneedtodostunts!  WOO!

Well, I’m glad we got that solved.

Backstage, RVD is punching his title belts.

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, give me back my Ritz Bits! That wasn’t cool, guys!

Paul Heyman: Rob…are you accusing your belts of stealing your crackers?

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Heyman: Look, Rob, can you focus for a second? I don’t think this WWE Title thing is a good idea. You’ve seen what they’re doing to us over on Sci-Fi! You’re going to get murdered tonight, so you can just hand deliver that belt to Cena. Sabu! They made friggin’ SABU tap out to him! SABU!

RVD: That’s a fun word, Paul! Sabuuuuuuuuu! Yeah! All right!!

Heyman: Sigh…Enjoy your funeral, Rob.

RVD: Oh, I hope they paint some dragons and things on my casket! That’ll be totally awesome! I can’t wait!

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Fans on who will win between John Cena and RVD:

15-year old Girl: Oh em gee! John Cena is, like, soooo hot! That RVD guy is just a burned out stoner, and I have John Cena on my Myspace, and I was like, “Hey dude, thanks for the add!” and then he went to my page and posted a animated gif of Tweety hopping up and down and it says “You’re a Sweetie!” and I just about died, and my profile says that I’m, like, 100 because my boyfriend is 24, and he has a car and an awesome job at, like, Arbys, and he gets me free curly fries, but my parents say that we can’t date until I get my permit and I’m like so totally excited and I was like oh my gosh, let’s just message each other on Myspace, and Melissa came over and we totally went to the mall to buy shoes, and there was this creepy guy who was standing outside Abercrombie and he was acting like he was holding a big ball over his head, and it was totally creeping us out, so we went to Hot Topic, but these goth girls threw black nail polish at us, so we went to Cinnabon and cried for like an hour, and I used to be a big Jeff Hardy fan back when I was, like, 13 and into poetry and all that, but now I’m into rap, so I like John Cena.

Scruffy Looking Old Man: If it ain’t Bruno Sammartino, it ain’t worth talkin’ about. What these kids do today, ain’t rassin’ it’s ballet. I hope both these sissies lose.

Internet Smark: If Rob Van Dam loses this match, it would be an absolute travesty. The way the WWE has mishandled ECW has been, quite frankly, nothing short of atrocious. There are a hundred guys out there in the Indies like Tumbles McJumpsalot and Brian Danielson that can put on a five star match every night of the week, and what to they give us? Big Show? The Zombie? And they can’t even put up $14 million to get a nostalgia pop for The Sandman? I think that’s all a bunch of…Is that Trish Stratus?! TRISH! Can I have your autograph?!

Kane blows off most of his pyro before the match, so that means that he’ll be losing three quarters of this match. Oh, never mind. The other pyro hit Lillian Garcia instead of the post. Kane goes on the early offensive, but Randy sets in on some CHINLOCKS~! to take back control. That’s how he beat Angle, you know. This is all short lived, though, because what this match clearly needs is some More Kane! More Kane tromps out, and a distracted Kane falls off the turnbuckle. Orton wins! With the match over, Kane tracks More Kane into the ring and hits a chokeslam! Kane is his house afire! Another chokeslam on the ramp! Now he’s dragging More Kane off like he’s some kind of cave wife. Maybe they’ll make little Kane babies. Here’s hoping!

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Kane drags More Kane all the way to the back door, and then dumps his body there, where he pulls off More Kane’s mask and hair. Kane holds the mask aloft like DX used to whenever they stole it back in the day. Maybe it really is the source of his powers like RVD suggested years ago? It’s like his urn. Back in his American Badass days, Undertaker would have been TOTALLY more bearable if he’d worn the urn on his head.

The Voice of the Undertaker: Shut up.

No, you shut up, or I’ll bring Great Khali over to RAW.

Voice of Taker: Yipes!

Meet the DIVA SEARCH 2006 CONTESTANTS~!

Hair: Random Brunette.
Imagine Katherine McPhee had a baby with a tanning salon.
What sets her apart? Not having a first name.
Odds: 4/pi Only contestant from the South (Arizona), beware the Southern voting bloc.

Hair: Streaky Brunette.
Imagine Alexis Laree before she hit porn.
What sets her apart? Argyle bikini makes her perfect manager for Highlanders.
Odds: 3/1 She ends up on Internet Heat with the Highlanders.

Hair: Streaky Brunette.
Imagine that girl who had sex with everybody in your high school but you.
What sets her apart? She’s from Rhode Island, the smallest state in the nation.
Odds: 14/41 Rhode Island has yet to produce a winning Diva Search contestant.

Hair: Black.
Imagine you took Rebecca there and hit her with a kendo stick until her face puffed up and she died her hair black.
at sets her apart? She is this year’s “biker chick”
Odds: 0, WWE already has a girl with terrible makeup named Milena.

Hair: Streaky Blonde.
Imagine My Darling Stacy’s homely sister.
What sets her apart? Her last name is also the name of a country.
Odds: 2/1 WWE needs a new Stacy that isn’t so pretty that she’ll be asked to dance on national TV.

Hair: Black.
Imagine a black Cher.
What sets her apart? WWE does not yet have a black Cher on roster. Could possibly be the missing puzzle piece for ECW.
Odds: 3/2 Her last name is easy to spell. Confused football fans may think they are voting for Antwaan Randle El.

Hair: Blonde.
Imagine ECW’s Kelleeeyie without the ridiculous tan.
What sets her apart? Her name contains both the first and last letters of the alphabet, could open her up to “from A to Z” jokes.
Odds: 3/1 Her profile on WWE.com is the only to contain a full shot of her arm. What are the others hiding?

Hair: Blonde.
Imagine Torrie Wilson and WCW Announcer Pamala Paulshock accidentally got zapped together like Jeff Goldbloom in The Fly.
What sets her apart? Her name is incredibly difficult to spell. She is not from a city, but the entire province of New Brunswick. Possibly gets around?
Odds: 5/1 Confused wrestling fans may think they are voting for the Quebecers‘ Carl Ouellet.

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The Highlanders are coming to RAW. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they cut off the head of each week’s Diva Search loser? The only one left would be Jennifer. They wouldn’t be able to take her head.

John Cena v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Spinnin’ World Title

Jim Ross immediately makes it clear that this is my reward for sitting through the rest of RAW, which is kind of like getting to the end of a box of Cracker Jacks and your prize is a temporary tattoo shaped like Mississippi, you know? It good fun and all, but what the hell? You couldn’t spring for a mini-Dmitri Young baseball card or something? Cheapskates. Where the hell did I come up with Dmitri Young from? My initial thought was “George Brett” which is just as confusing, especially since this isn’t 1985. With Lillian Garcia incapacitated, the boxing style ring introductions are performed by Randy Orton who calls Cena “John Cedar” and Rob “Robbie Dobbie,” which puts him at least a step above Lillian.

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When we come back, Rob is flipping around in one corner, while Cena is consulting the audience about whether or not he can be seen. After a few minutes, John salutes some military men in the audience and then punches RVD in the face. USA! USA! Eventually, Cena gets up enough momentum that he hits the FU and locks in the STFU, which Jim Ross immediately screams cannot be broken, legally, under any rule of physics. After a few minutes, Rob falls asleep in the hold, which makes his chances at retaining seem awfully grim. But lo, a white knight comes to his rescue and it’s…Edge. Yes, Edge, suddenly realizing that more than one merchandise booth carries his shirts returned to the arena, and upon entering the building he peaked into the ring, and gazed upon the travesty that was occurring. Abandoning his idle threat to possibly go to Smackdown (ha!) or maybe Internet Heat, Edge sprints down into the ring and breaks up the submission attempt. Thus with no clear winner, Edge pats himself on the back for making sure that Johnny Nitro is STILL the champion of the brand. Then he mentions that he’ll be on ECW TV this week, which is awesome because Edge is still the best part of that show.

Next Week: DIVA SEARCH 2006 kicks off when the Divas are quizzed about whether or not they’ll get stupid tattoos on their elbows, and the ones that answer “Yes” get kicked in the face by Shelton Benjamin! Triple H starts following Johnny Nitro around asking for a title shot. And Kane’s feud with More Kane takes a strange turn when More Kane shows up wearing Kane’s mouth free mask.