Hahaha…oh, man! Did you hear the one about RVD and Sabu? Outside the arena, Coach is standing with DX, I wonder if he’s heard the one about RVD and Sabu?

Jonathan Coachman: What do you suppose was in those pills anyway?
 

Shawn Michaels: So why can’t we go in the building, Coach? Is this about the veggie trays? Because…I swear! We didn’t steal them! Thou Shalt Not Steal!

HHH: Isn’t there something in there about swearing too?

HBK: Err…Anyway, that wasn’t us!

Coach: Nah. WWE.com says you’re banned from the arena. My hands are clearly tied.

HHH: WWE.com? What the hell is that? One of them…”blogs?”

HBK: Nah, it’s just Vince’s stupid website. Isn’t that nerd Michael Cole running it?

HHH: Michael Cole barred us from the arena? How could you let this happen?!

Coach: Well, it turns out that Cole’s Internet word is bond, guys. There’s nothing I can do.

HHH: Crap. Now you know why I hate the Internet.

Here’s Edge and Lita oooooh, maybe they’ll reveal their secret tag team partner! I bet it’s Charlie Haas!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Hey, guys. I’m really depressed this week.

Lita: Why’s that, Edgeroo?

Edge: I had all these awesome tag team partners lined up to be here with me tonight. I was going to do a fan poll! Chris Jericho, Chris Tian, Mick Foley, Hulk Hogan, The Boogeyman, Charlie Haas…but then they told me there wasn’t going to be any tag team matches! Hell, I don’t even know if I’m supposed to show up for ECW tomorrow! I don’t even know if there’s going to BE any ECW tomorrow! And what’s this note they handed me before I got out here? Joke about local sporting teams?! I don’t even know any local sporting teams! Uh…How about that World Cup? Or…Wimbledon? Uh…The Allentown Rowing Team sucks.

Billy Kidman: More like YOU suck, Edge!

Edge: Geez, gimmie a break here, Kidman! Stephanie rewrote this entire show on the back of a pickle jar. In pencil. And I don’t think she’s all…up there, you know? So what am I supposed to do? How’d you get in here anyway?

Kidman: Chloe comped me a ticket.

Here’s John Cena. Surely he’s out here to salvage the segment with his witty non sequiturs and hilarious poems. Nope. Turns out he’s just coming out to punch Edge in the face for forgetting about Philadelphia’s fine tradition of nearly capable sports teams. To be honest, the only thing I remember about the Phillies is Lenny Dykstra, so I can’t really blame Edge. Rob Van Dam is out, and curiously, he’s actually got a mic. Sadly, they don’t have him come out trying to wave away a cloud of smoke.

Rob Van Dam: Hey, guys! How was your weekend? Mine was totally awesome! Sabu and I met this guy, and we’re going to hang out later this week! Yeah! All right!! The only bummer is that when we offered to share our pills and weed, he took them all. That wasn’t cool. But what is cool is that I, Rob-Van-Dam will be taking on you two in the world’s greatest triple threat match that there is no way possible that I can lose! Yeah! All right!!

Cena: Word!

Edge: Man, it really sucks to be you, right now, Rob. That’s all I’m saying, man.

Back outside, Vince McMahon’s limo is arriving….

Vince McMahon: Haha! I’ll just sneak in the back and nobody will notice how late I am….

Jonathan Coachman: Mr. McMahon!

Vince: Holb-Yes…Yes…Everything is looking fine out here in the back. It’s time to continue my inspection of the are-Oh! Hello, Coach!

Coach: Hey, don’t worry about it. Everybody’s late once in a while on this show. Listen, I sent DX away, but there’s something more important going on, here! Stephanie’s furiously rewriting the show backstage as we speak. On the back of a pickle jar. In pencil.

Vince: Oh. So it’s one of those nights!

Vince and Coach exit as DX pulls back up in a car filled with strippers.

Triple H: Who would’ve guessed it would be two for one strippers night?

Shawn Michaels: I’m pretty sure this violates a commandment…or two. And probably a state ordinance. Hell, we’re lucky we didn’t get a traffic violation.

HHH: Pfft. Traffic violations are for losers.

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“Dave” Batista “Davidson” is coming back to Smackdown this week. Just in time to job to The Great Khali!

Torrie clearly isn’t too thrilled with Chloe for having given Kidman tickets to the show. Where the hell did Edge go anyway, it’s not like he had anything better to do. Then again, he cleared out before the women’s match, so good on him. Torrie spends the first half of the match trying to balance fighting off Lita and telling Kidman to stop calling her. Finally she tries to make a play at WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton, which incenses Kidman so much that he jumps the railing and blows a dive at Patton. Lita is so impressed that she too blows a dive at WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton, which accidentally knocks out Torrie. Lita wins!

Vince and Coach are backstage in his office.

Vince McMahon: This office sucks! Two couches, a black drape and a See No Evil poster? Even I didn’t go see that movie! Where the hell is my good office?

Jonathan Coachman: Well…you see…we were using it for storage…for the thousand goats for the Highlanders debut…but Stephanie nixed that idea. But we still have the goats for the night, so…they’re in your real office.

Vince: Goats in my office. I don’t believe this. That’s it, I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Coach: I wouldn’t do that.

Vince: Why the hell not?!

The Great Khali: Ungagaga! Ressss in peeeeeeg!

Vince: What the hell is The Great Khali doing in my bathroom?

Coach: Stephanie was going to have him be More Kane, but that idea got dropped.

The Voice of the Undertaker: Oh, COME ON! That’s it…I’m off to Internet Heat. Can’t a guy’s disembodied voice get a little rest around here?

Khali: Ungagaga! Iom Ghhhhrr Kolgi! Fronk Ingigiga!

Voice of Taker: Yeah, yeah. I know. I know.

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No word on whether or not this is for the WWE Five Man Tag Championships. Clearly the story of this match is Val Venis after revenge for his injury at the hands of the S.S. No? Charlie Haas? No? Uh…Duggan and Eugene blaming their losses to Totally Not Jamal on the fact that the S.S. wasn’t there to cheer them on? Um…Abe Orton on a rampage to find a pair of man-jawed strippers on two for one night? I give up. Oh wait, the story of the match is the Spirit Squad beats Abe. Thanks for playing along at home! Nice ring work by Mitch. Ha!

Outside, DX is havin’ an ol’ Fourth of July barbecue.

Triple H: Man, it sure is fun to just hang out here in the parking lot with our stripper friends and eat hot dogs, isn’t it, Shawn?

Shawn Michaels: Is this…is this angle going anywhere, Hunter?

HHH: Are you questioning my lovely wife’s writing, Shawn?

HBK: Hahaha…but seriously. Now we’re havin’ a barbecue party?

HHH: Look! Over there! Bastion Booger!

HBK: Awesome!

Shawn runs off and Triple H goads a couple of girls into taking off their tops.

HHH: Now that’s what I call a Diva Search! Am I right random staffer? You loved that, huh?

Tough Enough Jessie: This is work place harassment! WAAAAAAAAH!

HBK: That wasn’t even Bastion Booger. That was just Stephanie, out for a walk.

HHH: My mistake.

HBK: She handed me this note that says, “Call out the Spirit Squad.” But on the back it says, “Don’t call out the Spirit Squad.” So I’m not sure which we should do.

HHH: I say we just drink that particular problem away.

HBK: Cheers!

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HELL YES! If there were any two heel jobbers I would choose to behead on the RAW roster, these two are easily in my top five. I had no idea Conway was an immortal though. The more you know, I guess, eh? Anyway, Duncan and Conner nail all their classic Highlander offense like stabbing, having a flashback to medieval France, bitchslapping Richie, and rubbing their opponents face under their kilts. Vito’s gonna be pissed. That’s, like, 90% of his offense now! As they’re going for the kill however, WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan reminds them that due to Shawn Michaels’ presence, this arena is holy ground, so they just go for the pin instead. Lame.

Backstage….

Triple H: Oh yeah! Baby! That’s the best I ever had. Woo!

Boobsie McTitsalot: What the hell are you boobing about out here? Clearly it’s nothing because both your crotch and your boobs are higher than this table.

HHH: Wait for it…wait for it…Yeah!

Boobsie: Oh! Oh! Yes! Through my pants even!

HHH: Wow, Boobsie, I don’t know about you, but that was the best damn shin waxing I’ve ever had.

Boobsie: I think she waxed my jeans.

Shin Waxer: Yeah. Sorry about that. Next time wear shorts.

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Uh-Oh, Shawn, Hunter and Boobsie are in the production truck.

Triple H: Wow, look at all them pretty lights!

Kevin Dunn: Guys, get the hell out of the trailer. It’s hard enough with Stephanie screaming different commands into my ear every five seconds…did you know she just asked me to get a close up of a bag of Cheetos in a vending machine? Nothing to do with any angles or anything, she just wanted to see it on the Titan Tron.

Shawn Michaels: Sounds like you’ve had a rough day, KD, why don’t you go get a nice soothing leg wax? We’ll handle it. Hell, Hunter already practically runs this show anyway.

Dunn: Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you guys later.

HHH: Great. Which one of these is the women’s showers.

HBK: Try…uh…14?

Camera 14 pops on.

HHH: Aw, man! The Kid Cam? This game sucks.

On the Kid Cam, a surly Vince McMahon pees.

HBK: AGH! Turn it off! Turn it off! Hit…58 or something! I think that’s a lonely solitary shot of Conway’s gym bag. Do we really have people backstage filming all this crap just in case something relevant happens!

Coach walks into the bathroom with Vince.

HHH: Oh crap. How do you turn this thing off. Just…turn it off!

HBK: I’m pressing all the buttons I can find.

Vince’s stream gently caresses Coach’s pants leg.

HBK: Oh, this is some R. Kelly stuff here. Gross!

HHH: I think I found it! 183!

A camera man pans across a herd of sheep in a small office.

HBK: Whew. Dodged a bullet there!

In the office….

Rob Conway: Why…hello there, my sheepy little friends!

HHH: Uh-oh.

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Vince McMahon has made his way to the ring.

Vince McMahon: All right. That’s enough. I’m taking the book for the rest of the night. I’m tired of this Coach peeing, Conway sheeping, shin waxing nonsense! And if Stephanie can’t come to terms with that on her own, well then, I’m just going to have to make her.

A goat sprints to ringside wearing the WWF European Title.

Vince: All right, you see? That’s what I mean. For…well…damn near five years our shows haven’t made any sense! And now, with the WWE Title situation in flux and us having to book on the fly…honey, it’s just not working. And I refuse to recognize this goat as the European champion. Get out of my ring!

Suddenly, the ring is engulfed in chocolate. Dejected, the goat leaves.

Vince: Honey, I know you’re back there. Listen to daddy! Put the book down.

Super Porky comes to the ring and begins to eat the chocolate.

Vince: All right. I’ve officially given up on this show. This one, ECW, Smackdown. I’m through with all of them. Undertaker, make room for me over on Internet Heat!

Vince weaves his way through a marching band made up of Ducks in Sailor Hats, while “Hungry Like a Wolf” plays over a video of Vince’s head superimposed onto Eminem in the video for “Lose Yourself.” Outside, Coach tries to get in on the watching gym bags action, but Shawn Michaels accidentally opens the door into his face, sending Coach tumbling into a small raft full of oranges with broccoli glued to them so as to look like Carlito.

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Carlito Caribbean Cool v. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

During Melina’s entrance, DX decides to cut to a shot of WWE RAW Referee Mickey Jay tying his shoes. Which I have to admit, is pretty hot. Melina decides that she’s going to make giving a blowjob to the IC title a regular part of this entrance. Good for the title, I guess, it hasn’t had it that good in years! Nitro’s offense in this match consists entirely of him punching Carlito and then mincing around the ring. Who says that wrestling isn’t ballet? After a few minutes of this, Carlito goes for the back cracker, but Melina counters by throwing an orange with broccoli glued to it at his head. That’s a DQ. After the match, Trish Stratus comes running down for the sole purpose of getting her boobs some TV time before she goes.

Backstage, RVD is staring into the distance.

Paul Heyman: For God’s sake, Rob! You couldn’t travel with Doring and Roadkill? Or geez if you don‘t want to ride in the Hardcore Buggy, even Sandman would have only gotten you a DUI at best.

Rob Van Dam: How many times do I have to tell you, Paul? We were clean! We got set up!

Heyman: Hey, Rob! Guess what time it is? 4:20!

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Heyman: No it’s not! It’s 9:15! And you’re a lazy no good stoner who’s going to lose the WWE Title tonight. God, I knew I should have stuck with Credible.

RVD: Aw, shucks.

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A helpful promotional package highlights the DIVA SEARCH 2006~! Candidates. My money is on Ms. Oulette, because I think WWE TV needs at least one more person who is impossible to understand.

Vince McMahon is throwing a temper tantrum backstage.

Vince McMahon: Coach! Coach! Have you seen my limo? I want to get the hell out of here.

Coach: Owww…Oh…Yeah. About that. You see…This penguin said he needed it to go get some ice.

Vince: A penguin. Stole my limo.

Coach: He looked very official.

Vince: Give me a ride.

Before the match, Armando tries to tell us that his name is Not Important, but DX cuts him off by loudly eating crackers into the production truck microphone. This, of course, incenses Totally Not Jamal (tonight decked out in his Allentown Rowing Team colors), who immediately lays into Scottie with a few stiff belly bumps and a thumb to the eye. Having won the match, Armando takes up the mic again, to declare Not Jamal a “Samoan Dump Truck,” but before he can do that, DX sets Lillian Garcia on fire.

Out in the back, Vince and Coach cram together inside Coach’s rental.

Vince McMahon: Why’d you have to get the stupid super compact. I think your elbow is in my crotch!

Jonathan Coachman: Sorry, boss. Geez. I usually like to travel alone! Let’s just get going.

As they start to drive away, a giant anvil falls from the sky, blowing the car into a million pieces.

Triple H: That’s for the DX Express, biatch!

Shawn Michaels: Uh…actually, Hunter, I believe Vince was aligned with you when the DX Express thing happened. You’re thinking of Steve Austin.

HHH: No foolin’? Oops. Sorry, Coach! Sorry, Vince!

HBK: That was a pretty cool affect though. What’s with all the extra smoke?

Rob Van Dam: Duuude, don’t even think that! I’m not even out here!

HHH: Um…Good point?

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This Week in Wrestling History? The nWo was formed, and WCW would take that moment, bottle it up and last forever and ever and…wait a minute!

Here’s Randy Orton! Randy, say something clever!

Randy Orton: Truly, the affections of that moment are still being feelered today! The onion betwixt Scottie Hawk, Kerwin Nap, and “Hollie Wood” Phil Keoghan intact even today’s superastros! Take myself for example! I, Ranky Q. Morgan have been intacted by the vents of the New Wordy Organ! Yes, I am stricken! Stricken with the apple of love for the dappers of one of those fine fellows! No it isn’t Julian Hawk, or Trish Cat Nap, but it is the one and ugly, Broke Keoghan! Her flooding locks, her portly white teets! Why, I could have a banter day on her chinliness alone! I suggestorate that you, the purple watching at gnome, tune into VD1 this week on Someday, and watch Keoghan Knows Beats! Watch the snow we taped many moons ago, where I pretended to be in lorve with Broke while the Hallster installed a GED training device on my Fork Exploder! WATCH AND LEAN!

Todd Grisham is standing by with Edge and Lita.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Edge and Lita. So, you’ve got nothing to worry about tonight, do you Mr. Tian?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: RVD pooped his own shooter, that’s for sure.

Lita: The only thing we have to worry about is having Cena win. Again.

Edge: Hey, don’t worry about that, baby. They’ll never have Cena win again, that’s poppycock.

Lita: That’s what you said the last time, stupid.

Official Looking Penguin: I say, could you gentlemen or your lady friend kindly rub some of this ice on my back? I’m afraid it’s rather warm in here.

Todd Grisham: You want ice? I’ll give you ice!

Todd Grisham runs through the arena, finds one of the kitchens and locks himself in the freezer for the rest of the night. Todd Grisham has fallen.

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John Cena v. Edge (w/ Lita) v. Rob Van Dam
For the WWE Spinnin’ Heavyweight Title

This is just for the Spinnin’ title and not for the ECW title right? Good. With Lillian aflame and Grisham down, it’s down to Maria (nee Caribbean Cool Punk Tennyson Lund) to do the boxing style title intros, which is wonderful. Especially when she refers to Rob Van Dam as “wearing the white tights with airbrushed dragon trim.” Things start off great for RVD and Cena as they slowly wear Edge away by reminding him how little faith the company has in him to provide anything other than a sloppy nipple slip and sixty year olds falling off ladders, but Edge counters by reminding Cena and Van Dam that they are not still in high school.

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The story of the rest of the match is quite simple, Rob Van Dam, having no chance at winning throws caution to the wind and decides to attack Lita. Cena and Edge fight it out in the ring, but neither man can gain an advantage because Edge has no faith in how the company is going to push him, and John Cena is weighed heavily under the burden of being the least popular WWE Champion since Sid, and hell, Sid had his moments. And so it is that this epic confrontation builds, no man giving the others any quarter, and no man giving them any nickels either. They’ve all got laundry to do after this. Then, finally, like the twinkling of an eyelash, John Cena catches Rob Van Dam napping (literally) with an FU. But Edge, armed with the WWE Spinnin’ Title…did I mention this match was No-DQ? Dammit. I should probably have mentioned this match was no DQ, or else this whole exchange doesn’t make sense. Anyway, what happens is that Edge hits Cena with the title and pins RVD (still napping) to win the Spinnin’ Title. John Cena is incredulous (apparently nobody told him it was No DQ either) and RVD is crying, but Edge? He’s making out with the belt while Lita lays unconscious on the floor. Well, at least he was until his tongue got caught in the spinner.

Next Week: Edge accidentally swallows one of the diamonds, leading to more poo related drama! DX and the McMahons battle it out in sack race. And a rather officious looking penguin beats the hell out of Randy Orton.

Rob Van Dam: Duuuuuude, it’s great to be on the road again with you, Sabu! Nobody listens to my problems quite like you! Hand me the Funyons will you?

Sabu: ….

RVD: You ate them all? Jerk. Aw, cheese it! It’s the feds! Let me handle this one!

Police Officer: Good evening, gentlemen. Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?

RVD: Because you really wanted to harsh my mellow?

Officer: Is that what the kids are saying nowadays? Hmph. Wait a second, what’s that funny smell?

RVD: Oh, that’s just my car. I use E3 Ethanol!

Officer: Don’t you know that’s not cost effective, boy? Get out of the car! Now!

RVD: We didn’t do anything but speed!

Officer: Out of there! Hands in the air! You there, what are you some kind of terrorist?

RVD: No way, that’s the suicidal, homicid-

Sabu throws a chair at Rob’s face.

RVD: Ow! Yeah! All right!!

Officer: That’s it! Hands up or I shoot! No more chairs or I put a bullet in your brain, you got it kid?

Sabu: ….

Officer: Good. Now what kind of drugs do you have in this here car, Mister?

RVD: Oh, I don’t do drugs any more! I’m on the wellness program.

Officer: Oh? Then what is this bag of pot doing here? Hmmm?

RVD: Duuude, that’s just some oregano I pinched off Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters. It doesn’t smoke any good, but it’s killer in Wendy’s Chili! Yeah! All right!!

Officer: And these pills? What do you have to say for yourself, eh, buddy?

Sabu: ….

Officer: Answer me or I shoot you both right here!

Sabu: Deal!

Officer: Your friend said you were suicidal, but…yikes.

Sabu: Deal?

Officer: Son, are you trying to distribute illegal narcotics to an officer of the law?

RVD: Dude, you’ve got us all wrong! Sabu here is a mute, though he’s recently learned to say the word “Deal” because of an intense desire to get on the show Deal or No Deal. He’s still working on the “No” part of that though.

Officer: I love that show!

RVD: Sabu kept trying to steal my briefcase when I was still Mr. Money in the Bank. “Deal! Deal!” he would say, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him that all that was in there was a bunch of Twinkies and the long dead spirit of a 10th Century Chinese general and not a dollar amount. And besides, those pills are just some stale Mike and Ikes, not some kind of crazy drugs!

Officer: You know what? Maybe I was wrong about you guys. You’re all right!

???: Not so fast.

Officer: Excuse me?

The Mountie: Hello, I am an officer of Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and I’m here to take these men into custody.

Officer: On what grounds? You’re out of your jurisdiction.

Mountie: On the contrary, I have a warrant for this one for aiding and abetting the theft of a Jade Gopher, resisting arrest, breaking out of prison, jumping bail, assaulting an officer with a painting, AND attempted vehicular homicide amongst other charges.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Officer: And him?

Mountie: Genocide.

Sabu points at the sky. And while everyone is looking up, he and Rob jump back into the car and speed away.

Officer: Daggummit, I was actually starting to like those guys. Go back to where you came from, ya moosehead.

Mountie: But…but…but…I’m alerting the media! I’ll have your head for this! I’ll have all your heads! The Mountie ALWAYS gets his man! Now where did I park my moose….