Here’s Shawn Michaels prancing to the ring with the soothing sounds of Connecticut Yankee. But, hey! Where’s Triple H! Surely Shawn Michaels will explain where his bestest buddy in the whole wide world has gone!
  

The Voice of the Undertaker: God, Shawn. Just get to the point already. Everybody friggin’ knows. Vince and Hunter aren’t actually feuding, and Hunter knocked up Stephanie. Even I’m not going to try to cover this one up, ok?

HBK: Whatever you say, mysterious voice. Nice “Poonanny Cage Match” last night by the way. You and Big Show slowly walking around at a Tiki bar. Fantastic.

Voice of Taker: Oh shut up, like you could do any better under those conditions. At least I didn’t have to fight Khali. Anyway, I’m just going to hang around here for a while. All those enzymes….

Here’s Jonathan Coachman. Ok everybody…1...2...KAYFABE!

Jonathan Coachman: I’m on the phone with Mister McMahon, and he’d like to know what the hell you two are going on about on this, the day of his daughter’s giving birth. He hates DX, and if Triple H is going to decide to no show RAW, well, then you can just consider him suspended! Yeah! That’s right!

HBK: Hey, Coach! Can I borrow your phone for a second?

Coach: Yeah…I guess. Here.

HBK: Yes! Bejeweled!

Coach: Hey! Err…anyways…like I was saying, I’m in charge of RAW tonight…and my first act is to book you, Shawn Michaels, in a match!

HBK: Against who? The Spirit Squad?

Coach: Are you kidding? Even I’m bored of that match.

HBK: Uh…Charlie Haas?

Coach: No! Against me!

HBK: How…How does that make any sense?

Coach: Because…uh…I don’t get to hear my theme music enough?

HBK: Works for me! Somebody play Coach’s music!

Somebody does. This segment makes me wonder: Who the hell is writing the show tonight? Maybe it’s Tough Enough Jessie. We’ll know if somebody breaks down and cries in the middle of a promo.

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The Highlanders v. The Spirit Squad
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Sadly, Mitch isn’t repping it for the Squad this week. They’re still selling their injuries from their devastating sledgehammer beat down from last week. Good for them. Rory and Roby meanwhile, are selling injuries that they received in 1800 when they got the crap kicked out of them by Napolean. Speaking of getting their asses kicked, they’re all set up to behead Spirit Squad Kenny, when suddenly the rest of the Squad distracts the referee and attacks the Highlanders. There shall be no beheading of the prized Kenny! I guess you’ll have to wait for Mitch, guys. The Spirit Squad wins! They’re so totally not breaking up!

Mick Foley is in the WWE Offices in Stamford. Has he been there all week?

Mick Foley: As much as I’d like to be RIGHT THERE in Cleveland, Ohio, I’m still RIGHT HERE at Titan Towers!

Office Worker: Go home, Mick!

Foley: You see, that’s the thing, random office staffer, I’d love to go home! But I can’t! Because I’ve got to go on national TV and ridicule the Nature Boy again! Ric, you said last week that you wanted to “take my old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, Fat Boy” to which you added “WOO!” Well, let me tell you something, Triple Naitch, I’ve taken my old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, at least 30 times! I have season tickets to Disney World, and I’ve got the VIP Fast Pass, Ric, something that I bet you didn’t even know existed! So you see? My old lady doesn’t NEED you to take her for a ride on Space Mountain, especially not if she’s going to have to wait in line for 71 minutes! Furthermore, I’m not a fat boy! I am a fat man! Get it right! Also, I just figured I should point out that, while taking thumbtacks to the head in an ECW match is indeed impressive, it’s NOTHING compared to what I did during my career! I want to see you take the Hell in a Cell bump! I want to see you wrestle in exploding barbed wire! Not because that would make me more likely to wrestle you, but watching old people do stupid things amuses me! Plus the IRS will thank you! I think this would be a good time to mention Melina! Melina, honey, I got that autograph you sent me! I thought it was a little weird that it was on a restraining order, but whatever you want to sign for me is a blessing. I love you like Pooh loves Tigger, baby. Right in the ass. I’ll see you all next week.

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This Week In Wrestling History: Sting saved Ric Flair from a terrible beating at the hands of The Great Mutah, Terry Funk, and the legendary Gary “The Hitman” Hart, and then Chris Tian ran out and attacked Sting. SHOCKING SWERVE~!

Speaking of The Nature Boy, here’s Ric Flair right now!

Ric Flair: Mick WOO By God Foley! You want to sit there in Stamford and make fun of MY catchphrases? Well, I’m going to “bang bang” your wife for 71 minutes in the line for SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO! Because I’m the NATURE BOY! ALL NIGHT LONG! Style and profile! In the immortal words of “Macho Man” Randy Savage: “Be a man, Foley!”` If you’re so sick of this feud, why don’t we end it?! You saw the video clip, I beat up Terry Funk back in the day! You love Terry Funk! I beat him up!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Dude, that news is older than Kellogg’s Toaster Strudels. Mick hates Terry Funk. Didn’t you watch any of the build for ECW’s Two Night Stand?

Flair: Hell no! This show sucks!

Edge: Oh yeah? Well you suck! You see, I’m the WWE Champio…Holy crap? I still am? Wow.

Lita: You’re doing a good job, baby. Stick and move! Stay out of the spotlight and they’ll forget to take the title off of you.

Flair: Take the pants off of me?! They’re already off! Take the pants off of me?! They’re already off!

This is just the opening Edge and Johnny Nitro need to double team Flair. Gosh, I wish I didn’t just write that. Uh…anyway, this brings out John Cena who helps Flair clear the ring. Nitro and Edge regroup outside the ring with their respective eye candies, while Flair and Cena pose to the delight of teenage girls everywhere. Little known fact? Teenage girls LOVE old flabby men.

Carlito and Trish are hanging out backstage. Aww…it’s love at its most awkward.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Man, I can’t believe I didn’t win the rights to fight for the WCW Women’s Title last week. I feel so…shafted. And now? Thanks to Todd Grisham’s screw up, I have to wrestle that same goddamn match against Shelton Benjamin this week.

Trish Stratus: Aw, baby, we’re just treading water because they found something more interesting to do with Melina and Nitro. One of these days they’ll be out of the Flair/Foley line up and back into our lives. Or at least yours. I’m getting out of this hell hole.

Carlito: Can we at least have sex before you go?

Trish: I guess. Hell, you’re practically, like, the only guy I haven’t had sex with here.

Carlito: Awesome. Hey, can I tell you a secret?

Trish: Shoot.

Carlito: I replaced Smackdown’s regular coffee with Folgers Enzymes. Let’s see if they notice.

Trish: Oh yeah. An enzymes joke. Real clever there Mr. “Cool.” Geez. You’re so lame.

Carlito: Soo…you want to hit up my email later tonight? Yeah!

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Coach is backstage on the phone again….

Coach: Oh, that’s hot. Me? Oh…I’m just in my old boxers, you know me, baby. Ok, I slowly take off your right gauntlet and drop it to the flo-

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Coach! Coach! This is a travesty! I’ve got the WWE Spinnin’ Title belt and the best you can think to do with me is stupid ass midcarder tag matches?

Lita: Remember, hon, the secret is to lay low!

Coach: Uh-Oh! Hey…Edge. Uh, yes Mr. McMahon, right away Mr. McMahon! I’ll call you back later, ok? Hahaha…Edge! I was just talking to Mistres-I mean Mr. McMahon, and you’re tagging with Johnny Nitro to take on John Cena and Ric Flair tonight in the main event!

Edge: Couldn’t even swing a main event spot for yourself tonight, huh? Thems the breaks, kid. Still, I feel like kind of stupid sitting here being the new Joey Mercury.

Lita: Would that make your brother Christian York?

Coach: What the hell are you two talking about?

Todd Grisham is out on the entrance ramp.

Todd Grisham: Stephanie McMahon just hatched her spawn. They called it “Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley.” But what you didn’t know, Triple H, is that I am the true father of Stephanie McMahon’s baby! Mwahahaha! And you’ll never get me!

A giant anvil falls three feet to Todd Grisham’s left.

Grisham: Goddammit people! Can’t you hit a friggin’ mark?! Ugh. When you want something done, I guess….

Todd Grisham plunges off the stage into the pyro control box, which explodes in a giant spray of sparks. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Shelton Benjamin v. Carlito Caribbean Cool
For the #1 Contendership for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Everyone give it up for Lillian Garcia who got it right this week. Thanks a lot, Todd. The story of the match is that Shelton is jealous that Carlito got to wrestle Oklahoma for the WCW Women’s Title at a house show this weekend, but before Carlito can correct Shelton, there ain’t no stoppin’ him from breakin’ Carlito’s arm…NAH! One of the guys in this match should be on Smackdown, and sadly, I think it’s probably WWE RAW Refree Chad Patton. That guy’s got a bright future. Shelton wins when he gets Patton to stare at all the weird John Cena fans in the front row long enough for him to kick Carlito in the balls. Why not just give everybody a shot at the IC title? Including Chad Patton. No, no. I take that back. Especially Chad Patton.

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Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Hogan! Oops. Hold on a second. We’ve got to pause to soak up the cheers. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. Zzzzzz…Huh? Wait for it…GO!

Hulk Hogan: Well, you know something, brothers? There’s a lot of people out there, dudes, that are saying that the Hulkster is too old to wrestle, brothers! Well, let me tell you something, dudes! You see, Randy Orton, brothers, he’s trying to get into the thong of my innocent little dudette, Brooke, and that just doesn’t fly with me, brother! So, like any good dad would do, dudes, I’m going to stand up and protect my innocent little daughter, brother! Heck, Randy Orton, dude, I beat up your dad, brother! Remember when he was hanging around that dude, Roddy Piper, brother? Well I beat him up then! Though, to be honest, dudes, I would have avoided him had I known then that he had the hep, brother! So whatchu gonna do, Randy Orton, when the largest arms in the world go wild on YOU, BROTHER?!

Scott Steiner: Yeah! Whatchu gonna do about that, huh?

Hogan: Hey, Scott, I was talkin’ about my flabby arms, brother.

Steiner: I know, I know. I was hoping to angle a spot in the new ECW. I’m tired of jobbing to Samosa Joe.

HEY! It’s Randy Orton! Serenade us, Randy!

Randy Orton: That’s Reich, it is I, Ranky Q. Morgan, come to lemonade you with my lamentations! For you see, West Wing fans, I’ve got a match against Hardcore Hulk here at SaunterStamp for the ham of his lumpy doctor, Broke! Oh, Broke! How I wish you could be the next mentor of the Morgan clan! Alack and Alad, I will slaw your factor, and if he gets appalled, your broker Nit, also as well! For I am a Legend Kill Guy, and you, Hak Hogan, are nothing but another Legolas! I mean leg-o-lamb. I mean DESTINY~!

Randy then runs down the ramp and circles ringside, waiting for Hogan to tire himself out kicking the ropes. When Hulk shows surprising resiliency, Randy goes for the advice of “Jebby “The Tennyson” Lund.” Lawler is clearly not amused at this insult, so he tosses Orton into the ring, but by this time, Hogan’s knees are too sore to continue, so both he and Orton bail. Play J.R.’s music!

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Boobsie McTitsalot v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

Your referee is UPW Head Referee Referee Marty Rubalcaba. Yeah, you’ll thank me for that later. Just as soon as we both figure out how to pronounce his name. The story of the match is Boobsie suddenly figuring out how to wrestle, even getting in an “almost Tarantula” on Alexis. When the hell did this happen? Was it before or after Alexis turned on Boobsie and Boobsie aligned herself with DX (how could Rick miss that, by the way? A sure sign of being a face is making penis jokes with Triple H!). But eventually, Alexis has had enough of that jive, and she pulls on Boobsie’s shorts for the win. Hell, at least both these girls are better than Zerelda! Am I right, folks? Oh shut up.

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Shawn prances to the ring, but doesn’t get any pyro. I bet Hunter took it to the delivery room. That must’ve been the best birthing ever. It’s better than a completely silent birth anyway. Shawn punches Coach for a while. Come on, Coach! You beat Tajiri! You can do this! The Spirit Squad tries to get involved, but the Power of Christ compels them to get out of the ring. But then, just as it looks like Shawn might finally vanquish this, his most mortal of enemies, Totally Not Jamal hits the ring with Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon. Shawn tries to fight off the inspired Cleveland Browns Training Camp face paint, but Not Jamal hit’s the Thumb to the Eye, leaving Michaels down and out. That match was four minutes! Way to be late, Not Jamal!

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Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with John Cena.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Punt Touchback Long Curving Cleveland here, and I’m standing by with John Cena, and John, I have to ask you, if you could sum up tonight’s show in one long rambling promo, how would you do that?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
HBK in tha house,
He told off the Coach,
Crowd quiet as a mouse!

Highlanders wore skirts,
Spirit Squad had Mitch,
There was a tag title match,
But no tag title switch!

Foley cut a promo,
Calling Naitch old,
He doesn’t like being called fat,
Flair came out and no-sold.

Stephanie gave birth,
To a light phenomena
Shelton beat Carlito,
Muppets say “Manamana!”

Hogan confronted Orton,
Randy did his best,
The problem between these two,
Is their promos are a mess.

Alexis Beat Boobsie,
To retain the women’s belt,
Shawn beat up Coach,
But a thumb to the eye felt!

And now we’ve got my match,
Naitch ridin’ on his Leer,
Takin’ on Edge and Nitro,
THE CHAMP IS-

Maria: EDGE! That’s a great poem, John. Really strong emoetry, but that last line doesn’t rhyme. I would have said something like:

And now we’ve got my match,
Naitch will keep his pledge,
To beat Nitro and his partner,
THE WWE CHAMPION EDGE!

Cena: Why are you wearing a giant red sock on your arm?

Maria: To hide all the hickies?

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Jerry Lawler threw out the Ceremonial First pitch at the Indian’s game yesterday. He missed the plate, but Cleveland still offered him two years at $2 million/year. He’s expected to pitch a couple of innings of relief tomorrow night.

Here’s the Miz, which can only mean one thing…DIVA SEARCH 2006~!~!~!

Eliminated this week was poor DIVA SEARCH Maryse. I guess looking like one of the Quebecers isn’t going to get you any favors. Also, the not knowing English part. On Friday? Musical Chairs! Oh, man. I bet Jericho wins!

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I innovated breakfast one time. Ok, I just put some Strawberry Glaze on some toast because I was out of jelly. But it was pretty good. Man, the WWE needs a good “O” character. Then Nitro, Edge, Melina and Lita can form Team Lemon! Maybe Orton once he’s done with Hogan. Or better yet, Oscar from Men on a Mission. Hell yeah. What every great tag team needs is three managers. I wonder which one of them is currently the most dominate Diva in the WWE? What the hell am I talking about? It’s Nitro. Speaking of Nitro, he dances around the ring to start, and by the time WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda has convinced him to knock it off, it’s time for some….

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When we come back everybody is slapping each other’s chests. Yes, yes. Good job everyone! Oh wit, I’m sorry, those were chops. Nitro tries going for the Snapshot, but Edge loses interest and drifts out of the ring. This is just the opening Flair needed to make the HOT TAG TO CENA~! The crowd goes squealy! Cena is a house afire, which makes Lillian understandably uncomfortable. She has nothing to worry about though, because it’s ECW that’s getting a little more Kane this week. Cena locks in the STFU while Flair and Edge compare the relative size and shape of Lita and Melina’s breasts on the outside. Nitro taps! Flair and Cena win! After the match, John and Ric share what can only be described as the manliest of hugs, while Nitro and Edge go up the ramp with their valets fawning over their titles. Who won this match again? Don’t you dare say Batista and Matt Hardy!

Next Week: Kane makes his triumphant return to RAW, only to realize that there’s nobody left to feud with. Mitch makes the mistake of trying to defend the tag team titles by himself. And Shelton Benjamin takes on Johnny Nitro for the WCW Women’s Title.

And now for a look into a world you’ve probably only dreamed of…the hospital delivery room…..

Triple H: That’s right! Keep on, pushin’, Steph! You’re doin’ great!

Stephanie McMahon: Huuuuuuuuunter! You’re not even watching! Put that damn cat down!

HHH: You did NOT just call Nibblins “that damn cat!”

Shane McMahon: Guys! Guys! Yo! Yo! Chill all right? Soon Stephanie will have her baby, like…booyah! And we can all go home!

Linda McMahon: Baby brains! Baby braaaaaaaaaaains!

Shane: Ma! Take that bib off, would ya?

Vince McMahon: I’m wearing a suit of armor. Does that make you hot? Yeah! A suit of armor! What are you wearing? Why don’t you take one of my gauntlets off you little tease! Yeah, you take that gauntlet off! Yeah! Wh-Hello? God dammit. I lost the connection.

Stephanie: Daddy! I don’t think you’re supposed to be using your cell phone in a hospital!

HHH: Yeah, could you imagine if my little son Hunter Jr. came out all goofy because you beamed Coachman porn into his head? Isn’t that right Hunter Jr.?

Shane: What if it’s a girl?

HHH: Pfft. What kind of name would Hunter Jr. be for a girl?

Stephanie: Daddy! This wet nurse is kind of creeping me out! Get out of there!

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to birth YOU!!

Vince: Look! Something’s coming out!! Is it J.R.’s head?! A hand?! Chicken Parmesan?! Dammit! Answer me!

Shane: No, pops! It’s a baby!

Vince: I think I’m gonna PUKE!

HHH: It’s wonderful! But…oh no! Where’s the penis! Did it get cut off?!

Linda: I think. It’s a. Girl.

HHH: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Put it back in! Put it back in! Let him simmer for a few more months!

Stephanie: I think she’s neato keen. I’m gonna call her Aurora Borealis!

Vince: I knew a stripper named Aurora B…this is neither the time nor the place is it?

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake cuts the cord. The DX Pyro goes off….

Aurora Borealis McMahon-Helmsley: WAAAAAAAH!

Vince: Whiny baby! Like mother like daughter. She’s got a good Tough Enough Jessie scream!

Everyone has a good chuckle at Tough Enough Jessie’s expense.

HHH: Wait…where did the baby go? She was just right there! Linda, you didn’t!

Linda: Wasn’t. Me.

Nurse Abe Orton: Don’t worry, McMahons! I have your baby!

Stephanie: Looks like it’s not too late for an Abe Orton!

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!