(Opening Credits)

Ah hell no. Not another friggin’ retirement angle. Agassi still has his fan base, but he needs a new finisher. And some new eye candy. And…wait. RAW’s on Sci-Fi this week isn’t it? Crap.
 

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Shane McMahon out to address the lack of wrestling on this show, no doubt. Nah, I’m just joshing you. He’s out to talk for 20 minutes.

Shane McMahon: Booyah! I hope you all remembered to switch over to Sci-Fi or else we’re going to end up with the same ratings as Stargate this week! I don’t want RAW to get cancelled! But, I wanted to talk about DX. You see, my dad celebrated his 61st birthday, the other day, but you know what? He couldn’t even enjoy getting old. No, no! Because, Mae Young jumped out of his cake naked! Do you know how gross that is? Or how physically impossible, seeing as how we had a cake we bought at Wal-Mart? DX has just gone too far this time! Defying my father is one thing! Defying the laws of physics and good taste are quite another! So tonight, DX will be taking on mystery opponents, who…judging by the silhouettes up on the Titan Tron there are Bob Holly and the recently fired Kurt Angle!

Suddenly, “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Lita appear in the ring.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Yeah, I beamed down to the ring from outer space! What are you going to do about it?

Shane: I wasn’t going to do anything really.

Edge: Good! Because I’m tired of people doing things around here! I should be doing things! Me! You may or may not realize this, but I’m the WWE Champion! I’ve got a Spinnin’ Title with an R in it and everything!

Lita: Woo! That’s why you’re the champ!

Edge: And I’m friggin’ sick and tired of stupid John Cena. Ok? I’ve feuded with the dude for, like, ten years now. The bleeding has got to stop, man! You’ve got the power! John Cena is stupid! Surely you can see that? You’re the McMahon who isn’t stupid or isn’t a zombie! Work with me here, Shano!

Shane: Yo, yo, yo! Hold up a minute, man! You can’t put me on the spot like that. Stephanie….

Edge: Stephanie is stupid!

Shane: Be that as it may…You know, not to change direction here or anything, but how do you feel about Mick Foley getting fired?

Edge: Who?!

Lita: Remember, the guy you wrestled at Wrestlemania, then for a few months he was our best friend, and you guys shared a Hardcore Title reign or something? It’s all kind of fuzzy.

Edge: Oh yeah, him! What’d he get fired for? Wouldn’t check into rehab?

Shane: Nah, man. He made fun of Vince, and then there was some kind of swerve or something? I don’t know. My involvement was tertiary.

Edge: Oh. Cool. Yeah. That’s pretty cool, I guess.

John Cena enters riding on a dragon.

Lita: I really don’t get what that has to do with Science Fiction. This isn’t the Fantasy Channel, John!

Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo!
I’ve got a contract for Smackdown,

RAW’s got no GM!
Goin’ to the CW Network,
To feud with Vicki and them!

I want one last world title shot,
To show you who’s the best,
Either me to Teddy Long,
Or you’re cryin’ into Lita’s breast!

I’m the man rockin’ the mic,
Hardcore with nothin’ to Fear,
You better watch yourself,
Because the CHA-

Lita: You’re not the champion.

Cena: Aight.

I’m the man rockin’ the mic,
Hardcore feelin’ mean!
Am I just that awesome,

Or am I…

Jeff Hardy: 2Xtreme.

Edge: You’ve got your match, John! But that’s not good enough! No! Because, I’ll only except it under four conditions: 1) You leave RAW if you lose. 2) You face me when, where, and how I want you to. 3) This is it, I’m through with seeing you and your half assed booing crowd! 4) You don’t feed Gizmo after midnight!

Gizmo: Ooooh.

Cena: Fine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to beam out of….

Shane: Not so fast! We have a returning character to re-debut!

Please let it be Evan Kourageous! Please let it be Evan Kourageous!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters?! Oh man. Hey, is there something…different about that guy?

(ads)

John Cena v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Cheerios Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Welcome back! Hey, did you notice something different about the Iron Chef, tonight?

Fukui: Yeah! He’s rockin’ that totally bitchin’ goatee! That’s stellar work there from the Iron Chef’s chin!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I think he was referring to the fact that he’s off the roids.

Ohta: The juice is loose!

Fukui: With Cheerios being the main ingredient tonight, it looks like somebody might be innovating up some breakfast!

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: It doesn’t look like anybody is innovating ANYTHING out here tonight! Cena just poured a bowl of Cherrios and is staring at it intently, and the Iron Chef is too weak to even lift the box. He’s just huddled in a corner crying.

Hatori: Sounds like your first marriage, Fukui!

Fukui: That was pretty low, man.

Hatori: I guess the challenger wins because there was no competition from the Iron Chef. Let’s go to our special celebrity judges to find out who won!

William Shatner: I can’t…believe…I agreed to do this. Somebody…call my…agent.

Jawa: Utini!

ALF: John Cena’s dish would go better with cat! Cena wins! No problemo!

(ads)

Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Viscera and Charlie Haas are in McMahon’s office.

Lance Cade: Let us be Bob Holly and Kurt Angle! We’ll show DX, or my name isn’t Lance or possibly Garrison Cade!

Viscera: Screw that! What you need is a big fat man to be fatter than them! That’ll show ‘em!

Trevor Murdoch: Sometimes…I like to review movies.

Charlie Haas: What you need is Charlie Haas.

Shane McMahon: What the hell. Are you guys kidding me? You want to take on DX?

Haas: Holy crap, what were we thinking?

Cade: I didn’t even know there were still tag teams on this show.

They leave. Shane pulls out his cell phone.

Shane: Yo, pops! You’ll never believe what happened. A bunch of random jobbers came in here and wanted to take on DX! Trevor Murdoch? What the hell?! Might as well enlist Gillberg!

Vince McMahon: Well, you know, Gillberg almost defeated Hunter that one time.

Shane: Hey! Yeeeeeeeeah! What do you suppose Taka is doing right now?

Vince: I don’t know and I don’t care. All I’m going to do is sit down here in my hotel room and watch some good ol’ fashion…Tennis? Friggin’…Stupid USA. I told you this was a bad move. Shut down the show, Shane. We got preempted!

Shane: We’re over on SciFi, pops.

Vince: What the…SciFi? What kind of crap is that?! Hold on a second, I think that’s room service! Oh…no! I didn’t order these! Oh no! No! No! NO!

Shane: What is it? What’s wrong? Did DX send you some stupid chickens again to try to get over the “Vince loves cock” catchphrase?

Vince: Worse. Tribbles. SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN!

Elsewhere backstage….

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hey, Trish, have you checked out WWE.com lately?

Trish Stratus: What is it with the stupid questions tonight?

Carlito: Yeah. What was I thinking? Anyway, there’s a report there that says you’re quitting the company!

Trish: Didn’t we discuss that, like, three weeks ago? And…Lita is too for that matter. We’re all leaving! It’s a leavapalooza! You’re stupid.

Carlito: Yeah. I’m having a really crappy day with that. I want to give you the sendoff you deserve!

Trish: Ok, let’s make out!

Carlito shoves Trish into a pile of boards.

Carlito: Hey, why don’t you try putting over the rest of the division before you leave, bitch?!

Then Randy Orton runs in and throws Carlito into the same boards.

Randy Orton: Yeah, why don’t you tie poking over the west of the diversion, Cappuccino?!

(ads)

Boobsie McTitsalot v. Torrie Wilson (w/ Chloe the RAW Satire Mutt)
Paddle on a Pole Match

Man, it’s been a while since we’ve had anything on a pole. Well, except for Kelly Kelly, I guess. The rules of the match are simple, she who gets the paddle…gets, the, um…the paddle. Yeah. Boobsie spends the first part of the match showing her boobs to everyone while, while Torrie talks to her dog. Then the paddle falls off the pole, and I think somebody just won a shot at the Cruiserweight title or something. Man, this new Women’s Division sucks. Afterwards, Torrie grows to 40 feet tall and jumps to the other side of the planet.

(ads)

This week in Wrestling History…Nah nothing. You know The Rock was on Voyager one time? Yeah. That didn’t happen this week, but I’m trying to stick with a theme here.

Oh man. This is the greatest match in the history of all time! How do you stop a guy from blowing a trillion spots per match? Put him in the ring with a guy who does NOTHING BUT CHINLOCKS~! Whoever booked this match? Is the greatest booker of all time. Orton poses and Jeff jumps outside the ring onto his head. Fantastic. That wasn’t quite falling over, so I guess Orton doesn’t win. Not yet anyway? Jeff, I think, is just glad he’s not jobbing to Sabu. Not until Survivor Series at least.

(ads)

When we come back, Jim Ross is blabbing about how Jeff Hardy is about to die. Maybe he just needs food badly. Or pills. Hahaha. Seriously, though. I’m glad he cleaned up. Just as it looks like he’s about to fall over, Jeff summons up all his strength, and using the mystical runes given to him by the Norse Gods, he summons the ImagiNation into reality. Imagi sends forth Carlito unto the match, and Carlito shoots an apple at Orton, knocking him out. Jeff flutters through the air like a great winged bird for the win. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton tries to tell him that psychedelic acid trips aren’t exactly science fiction, but really, that’s just nitpicking, isn’t it?

Backstage, DX is in Shane’s Office.

Shane McMahon: This better be good, I’ve got cops standing by to arrest you if this segment sucks.

Big Bossman: You’re serving hard time!

Shawn Michaels: Aren’t you dead?

Bossman: I’m an alien/zombie/cyborg hybrid played by Bruce Campbell! Hail to the king, baby!

King Booker: Thank you, my royal subject.

Triple H: Look, we’re sorry about defying the laws of reality thing with Mae, and about the Tribbles. That was going too far. We thought they were cute, and I know how much Vince loves cute little furry things.

Shane: Look, you guys are in your 40s. This is clearly not the kind of angle we should be doing. I mean, think about it this way, would it be cool if your dad was running around asking people to gum his penis?

Shawn: Umm….

Shane: Well, I can tell you from personal experience? Not that cool, ok? Trust me.

HHH: Yeah, Steph told me about that one time. Egh.

Shawn: Now is the time when we plug Vince’s DVD! All new content, unlike ours!

HHH: Hahaha! Billy Gunn is on our DVD, man! How cool is that?

Shawn: Hey, Billy, we’ve got TWO WORDS FOR, YA!

Crowd: Suck It!

Shane: They’re cool. Stand down, Bossman.

Bossman: Aw, I was about to take out my boomstick.

Fat Momma: Has anybody seen my boy, Shelton?

Shelton Benjamin: Aw…Fat Momma! Get out of here!

(ads)

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene v. The Spirit Squad (Kenny and Mikey w/ Johnny, Nicky and Mitch)
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

You’d think they’d pay Eugene enough to get some new ring gear. His current stuff still has Gak all over it. Aaaaanywhoozle, The Highlanders are at ringside, regaling the announcers with tales of what a total sexpot that Anne Boleyn was. Lawler knows all too well. Things are going well for our heroes, who win the match with a roll-up. Oh, our heroes were the Spirit Squad. Unless you really like Duggan. Then there’s no hope for you. After the match Totally Not Jamal and Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon run down to the ring and Not Jamal nails the Thumb to the Eye on Eugene and Hacksaw. Jim Ross declares this a “Hurricane like disaster.” Look, I know Suga Shane is in the dog house a little bit, but that’s no reason to go around insulting him like that. What would Totally Not Rosey say?

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that last week, my Samoan Bulldogzer, Totally Not Jamal, totally did poke Kane right in the eye! That means there’s only one monster here on RAW.

Mechagodzilla: RAAAAAAAAWR!

Not Important: Uh…Ok, I was referring to my man, Totally Not Jamal!

Mechagodzilla: Rawwwwr.

Totally Not Jamal: WOOZLE WUZZLE!

(ads)

Time for a Press Conference! YES!

Johnny Nitro: Thank you all for coming. It is with great honor and privilege that I stand before you today, a new man! Free from being associated with Mick Foley. Over the past few months, it’s been rough, having to be in the same segments as Mick, while he tries to decide whether or not he’s actually feuding with Ric Flair or attempting to sleep with my girlfriend. It’s tough for me out here, without my friend, Joey Mercury to help me through these turbulent times. Joey…he always used to make his little LEDs on his jacket say “You Da Man, Jonny” and even if he spelled my name wrong, I knew it was from the heart! So, Joey, wherever you are? We did it, Joey. We did it.

In an undisclosed facility….

Joey Mercury: Yeah. Flippin’ great. Way to go. You fired a fat man. Congrats.

Kurt Angle: I’m going to break your freakin’ neck!

Back in the ring….

Melina: I…um…I don’t like quitters either, Johnny?

Nitro: Woah, did I blow my line? Sorry, button cakes!

Melina: Mick Foley is a quitter. He quit at Summerslam, and he quit last wee…no he didn’t he got fired. But, I bet he quit plenty of other times. I’m sure. I mean, it wasn’t like there was an angle about him not being a quitter or anything. Because there wasn’t. And if you remember it then…you’re a filthy liar. Who lies. A lot. Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines a quitter as one that quits, especially one that gives up too easily. So, as you can see…that describes Mick Foley pretty much to a T. Or an R. Or a W. Pretty much all of those letters. Or at least some of them. I mean, there’s 26 letters in the alphabet, he can’t fit into them all, you know. Especially on account of he’s so fat. Like, I don’t see him squeezing into no Is you know? That’s not even counting the other alphabets this great world provides us. Could you see Mick Foley in katakana? In short, I don’t like quitters. Nope. I…no quitters. Please. If you’re going to quit, I…I don’t want to do anything…have anything…to…do…with…you? This was a good press conference, I think.

Then, the cast of Battle Star Galactica gives her a standing ovation, distracting her just long enough to be shot in the back by Boba Fett. Elsewhere….

Angle: I’m no quitter. You hear me? I’m coming back! And this time, I’m going to tear ALL my muscles.

Jeff Jarrett: Boy, do I have the promotion for you!

Mercury: What are you doing in here, man?

Jarrett: I’m addicted to Sting. *sniffle*

(ads)

Alexis Laree v. Lita
For the WWE Women’s Title

Well, I guess I called this match last week. Good for me. I hope Lita does the right thing and puts the division over on her way out. Hahahahahahaha…seriously, I hope Alexis gets in an offensive move or two. Hey, look! She kicked Lita! Good on you, Alexis! I think she’s even a face now. Somebody to feud with Victoria for a few years! Yay! Lita wins after a roll up, during which she holds WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan while Jack holds the ropes. Sigh. I had higher expectations for you, Mr. Doan. After the match, Jessica Alba runs out and breaks Lita’s neck again. Don’t forget to watch the Dark Angel marathon next week, folks!

(ads)

Wait…wait…no. Shane McMahon says they’re not fighting silhouettes after all. No sir, they’re fighting Smackdown’s top heels! Oh, man! This is even more pathetic than the silhouettes. Sigh. At least they won’t job out Booker to Hunter and Shawn.

Kennedy doesn’t get to do his Michael Buffer impersonation, because Triple H already did his. So, here’s some ads.

(ads)

The Leprechaun jumps out from under the ring. He’s wearing green…maybe he’s in DX? No wait! He’s biting Michaels! Do you suppose, that there’s a series of tunnels running under and between every arena in the country, that the Leprechaun and The Warrior use to get from place to place? Regal and Finlay take over the match with some EUROPEAN VIOLENCE~! Shawn bails on the segment because he doesn’t want to see what’s about to come. The moon hangs high in the night…uh…arena roof, and Triple H howls. Ripping from the corner, his arms grow to twice their normal size, his body grows a lovely coat of hair. His teeth become glorious fangs. Werewolf H eats William Regal. Werewolf H wins! Shawn touches him with the sign of the cross to revert him. Good for Smackdown!

Shane McMahon: I’ve got TWO WORDS FOR YOU!

Crowd: Suck it!

Shane: No! A WOOKIE!

Jim Ross: How can that be? That Wookie is supposed to be on Kashyyk!

The Wookie attacks, knocking out Shawn and clawing Hunter. Before he can take out his bowcaster though, Vince McMahon storms down to the ring and hits Hunter with a lead pipe. I’ve been waiting YEARS for somebody to do that! Then he hits Shawn with a camera. Ok…That one I didn’t see coming. Before he can break out the snake staff and turn Hunter into gold or something, Vince decides he’d rather choke Hunter with a tie. Swanky. Vince has the mic.

Vince McMahon: You want to trouble me with Tribbles?! Well screw you! Because we’re going to have another match! That’s right, we’re going to have another match! And it’s going to be HELL IN A SANDWORM PIT!

Shane: Vince, we’re off Sci-Fi as of a couple seconds from now.

Vince: Cell then. Hell in a Cell.

Next Week: Sharapova! Plus, DX gets revenge on the vile McMahons by painting “DX” on the moon. Also, Mick Foley makes his big comeback, because, hell, everybody will forget he got fired by then.