Nothing says “Never Forget” like a cleavagy half top, Lillian. Way to go.

No (Opening Credits) this week? Man…

Backstage, Vince and Shane are admiring the Madison Square Garden Walk of Fame.

Vince McMahon: Look, Shane! The Wiggles! I love those guys!

Shane McMahon: Yo, pops, aren’t we supposed to be looking for your star thing?

Vince: Oh! Hey! Yakov Smirnov! That can’t be right….

Shane: Vince! Focus! Here’s your tile. Booyah.

Vince: Why is there a cordon around it! I want people to be able to see my name! You! Answer me!

Security Guard: I can’t. I don’t, like, have my SAG card, yet.

Vince: Damn. Now we’ll never solve the mystery of why my tile is cordoned off!

Shane: Let’s just go inside, ok?

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The New York City Police Marching Band plays some bagpipes while The Highlanders walk down to the ring. Are we to the point where the NYPD really needs it’s own marching band. Now, I’m well aware that there’s probably a long and glorious history for these guys, and I’m sure they’re fine dudes, but still. I don’t know if they need a band. Unless you can maybe get me a band. Then we’ll call it even. Rowdy Roddy Piper stumbles out from the back. Oh. It’s going to be one of those nights.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: I’m here and I’m drunker than Spike Dudley and Paris Hilton combined! Yeah! And I’m happy to be sharing the ring with the only two guys in this company older than me! What are your names again?

Rory McAlister: I’m Ro-

Piper: You’ve got the sickness, boy! I can see it in your beard! Get out of this business while you still can!

Roby McAlister: But we just got started! And we’re the number one contenders.

Rory: Maybe he means “The Quickening!” We should get cleansed just in case….

Piper: Man, I don’t know what the hell you guys are talking about. All I know is that I’m getting a big ass pay check for showing up here tonight! Daddy needs a new hip! And hey! Look! WWE Magazine says I’m the greatest heel of all time!

Rory: Not to quibble or anything, but Alexis Laree and Lita are on that list. It’s not exactly…legit. You know?

Piper: You know who you guys remind me of? Mr. T!

Roby: Umm….

Here’s The Spirit Squad for the save!

Spirit Squad Mitch: Get out of the ring! Nobody likes the Women’s Division anyway!

Piper: That’s it! I’m challenging any of the three of you who aren’t Spirit Squad Mitch to a six man tag match!

Rory: Wonderful.

Spirit Squad Kenny: You got it! Somebody from the Women’s Division ought to get put over.

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Poor Mitch. He’s even worse than Piper. The Highlanders take turns getting beaten up by the Spirit Squad until they get the hot tag to Piper, who comes in hips afire. You know between this and relying on Duggan to get an advantage, it really makes me wonder whether or not these guys were actually born in the 1400s. I’m pretty sure you could hook me up with Gilberg and he and I could run all over the Spirit Squad. I’m just saying, is all. Piper wins after a Poke to the Eye. Not Jamal is gonna sue a bitch.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Melina and Johnny Nitro.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Melina and Johnny Nitro, and guys, I’ve got to ask you, why in the hell do you think you’re so boring?

Melina: I’m not boring! Look! I have boobs. I have an ass. I’ve got funny looking lips and too much makeup. You can’t say that’s a boring combination, Todd.

Johnny Nitro: And have you seen me flip around the ring? Sure I never hit any moves, but man, it looks pretty cool right? Twice as cool as whatever the hell that thing those guys in TNA do. Certainly isn’t “wrestling.”

Todd: Jeff Hardy, do you have any comments?

I made a painting,
It is my heart and soul,
‘Tis yellow and blue,
Canvas makes it whole,

Tonight I fight,
In a six man tag team,
Can you handle me,
Or am I

2Xtreme?

Nitro: I’m going to break your painting.

He grabs Jeff’s paiting and snaps it in half.

Jeff: NO! My masterpiece! I was totally going to get thirty bucks for that at the pawn shop!

Nitro: Now you know how I felt about your comments last week.

Jeff: Sniff. I’m sorry. I didn’t take your feelings into account.

Melina: Say…anybody remember when I fired Mick Foley?

Todd Grisham drinks a gallon of lead paint. Todd Grisham has fallen. Then, Todd’s body explodes and covers Nitro in blue paint.

Nitro: I’m the most beautiful Smurf in all the land.

Smurfette: Hmph.

Poet Smurf: I think he’s just Smurrrrrfy!

Yakov Smirnov: In Soviet Russia, you don’t eat paint, paint eats you! Isn’t it crazy?

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“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: You know what? Forget breakfast for one week. I’ve got to spend some quality time with my lady friend before she leaves for…uh…what did you say you were going to do once you quit, sweetie?

Lita: Well, I’m going to sleep off this wicked hangover, and then buy a couple hundred cats, lock myself in a musty old apartment, and once the WWE money runs out, I’ll probably go back to stripping in Tijuana!

Edge: Good career path you’ve got going there. And speaking of good career paths, either I’m going to job this Spinnin’ World title off to Cena so I can feud with somebody friggin’ else for once on Sunday, or else I’m going to win-

Lita: Ha!

Edge: -and Cena’s going to go solve murders with Weevil and The Guy from Just Shoot Me. So either way, I win. Really, it’s going to be a relief to have to fight somebody else. I’ll take Triple H for Pete’s sake. In fact, I’m so happy, I’ve written a poem to mark the occasion.

Lita’s going to leave me,
John Cena cannot see me,
I won’t go see The Marine,
Bad movies damage my spleen!

I’m the WWE Spinnin’ Champ,
I’ve got wax in my ears,
I like to use girlie shampoo,
Pretty hair for my Spears.

Did I just change the rhyme scheme?
Aha! Rules of poetic verse,
This isn’t a real rap anyway,
But John Cena’s are much worse.

Roddy Piper is really old,
Bolstered by false cheer,
I’d rather feud with him,
If on Monday…

THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Lita: That was really awful. I’m glad I’m leaving.

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What, Carlito couldn’t convince Trish to come out for this one? That kind of attitude won’t get you any jobs on Canadian TV, babe. So who’s the most dominate Diva on the RAW Roster now. Boobsie, right? Johnny is still painted blue, which is fun. He’s like the new Jeff Hardy. When Jeff Hardy is more mature than one of his opponents, we’ve reached a serious impasse in the world of professional wrestling. And given that Orton is also on the other side of the match, well, folks, the future…it is, how you say, not so bright. Haha!

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The crowd is going back and forth about whether or not Cena sucks, and which show they’d like him to suck on. Sadly, nobody offers to send him to Internet Heat. He could feud with Shelton Benjamin! As much as it pains me to say, this TNA level of interaction means that at least somebody is paying attention to something on this show. And look, they have heels! Three of them, at least! And that’s not counting the girls! Cena makes Nitro tap to the STFU (Notice there’s only one S, because that’s the name of the move!) for the win. Sadly, Edge doesn’t realize the significance of Cena beating a medium build pretty boy with long hair who has a big boobed girlfriend who follows him around like a big ol’ skank. He’ll come around eventually.

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Cryme Tyme! Cryyyyyyyme Tyme! Cryyyyyyyyyyyme Tyme!

Shad Gaspard: Sup, homeboy?

JTG: Nothin’ much, G-Funk. I was just about to rob this whitey who be messin’ up my hood.

Whitey: Guys, I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize this was your “hood.”

Shad: Yeah, I guess you didn’t, huh? And if these WWE cameras weren’t here-

JTG: Which they are, cracka!

Shad: Then we’d be stealin’ all y’alls, money and be donatin’ it old school to the New York Home Fo’ the Elderly and Infirm.

JTG: We gots to be representin’ our elders.

Shad: Word.

Whitey: But the cameras are here, so you aren’t going to be robbing me, right?

JTG: Hells no. Now get on up outta here before I bust a cap in yo ass.

Whitey: I’m never going to be miserly again!

Shad: Yo, man, was that Rodney Mack?

JTG: Word.

Backstage, Vince and Shane are talking.

Vince McMahon: Stephanie will be so proud of me once I beat Triple H. Hell, Aurora Rose will be proud of me!

Shane McMahon: Declan drew this picture of you ripping Triple H’s head off. Booyah.

Vince: Get that devil paper away from me!

Shane: Dad, my kids are good kids. They’re not the hells-

Vince: Hellspawn!

Shane: I knew I should have stayed home and watched football.

Vince: Heh. Yeah. I’ve totally got Aaron Brooks on my Fantasy Team.

Shane: Ooooooooh boy.

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Super Crazy v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
Salsa Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The Iron Chef asked for this rematch after being embarrassed by the lameness of his challenger last week. He even let the challenger select this week’s ingredient.

Fukui: Man, the Iron Chef has really come up lame, lately. Any idea why in the world Super Friggin’ Crazy is beating him?

Ohta: Hahaha, you know what? I have no clue, but it’s just ridiculous. Super Crazy? How low on the food chain do you have to be to job to that guy?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: You know, speaking of Salsa, I was thinking about trying out for Dancing with the Stars next year. Seeing Stacy do it made me realize that it’s not that hard.

Fukui: Are you flexible enough to do all that? You’ve got to be pretty nimble to keep up on some of those dances.

Hartori: Look, man. I’m pretty sure I can do anything Master P can do, and that includes winning the WCW Television Title.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: That’s a pretty common error, but Master P never did hold any WCW bling.

Fukui: What’s the status of the match, Ohta?

Ohta: The Iron Chef withdrew when he was trying to chop up some onions for some chili and he began balling like a baby. It’s official, Fukui-san. Our Iron Chef is less intimidating than Suri Cruise.

Hatori: Balling like a baby? Sounds like Fukui after I’ve spent all night out with his wife!

Fukui: That was only that once, and…Hey! Anyway, join us next week when we find out if Pacey was actually Suri’s father! And we find out if the Iron Chef can pick himself up out of the trash heap and actually win a match. Until next time, from Kitchen Stadium, Who Will Reign Supreme?!

Trish Stratus gears up for her final RAW match. I’m going to miss you, Trish. Ok, that’s totally a lie. I keep forgetting you’re even on this show. But I do miss Tyson Tomko, so that’s kind of like missing you.

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Apparently, King Booker beat “Dave” Batista “Davidson” in some sort of match? I don’t know. My UPN died, like, a month ago. How the mighty have fallen. Me thinks you’ve been pulling one to many all nighters trying to get Evolution to Oregon, Mr. Davidson. Then again, I guess the Platte River isn’t going to ford itself, is it?

Toby Keith was supposed to be out in the crowd, probably wearing an American flag for a hat or something, but he contracted dysentery.

Trish Stratus v. Alexis Laree
In Trish’s Final Match on RAW Ever…EVER~!

Well, at least until the sweet, sweet Canadian money well dries up. Then she’ll come crawling back. Just ask Test. Alexis cries to start, because Trish’s retiring reminds her that some day Raven will retire too. While she finishes, I’ll take the time to note that Trish is wearing an LED belt. Way to break out the new fashion accessories for your second to last match, loser. Maybe you can come out for your last match dressed as a chicken. The belt’s inspirational message? “So Long Suckers!” Aw. She misses us already. Lita comes out to get herself a piece of this hot retirement action, but Trish has already rolled up Alexis for the win. The crowd, for its part, doesn’t give a crap, which is exactly how it should be. Trish and Alexis make out. Aw, I think I have a little continuity in my eye. Sniff. Trish has the mic.

Trish Stratus: I’m so glad that’s all over with. And I didn’t even have to go for the bulldog on Alexis, which I always blow. Laters.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

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This week in wrestling history: Albert cried.

Backstage, DX is wandering around.

Triple H: Have you ever noticed that whenever we’re wandering around back here, we almost never get to where we’re going?

Shawn Michaels: That’s very meta of you.

HHH: I’m just saying, maybe we should start requesting some dressing rooms closer to things we might actually go to, so we don’t have to walk around all the time.

Shawn: That almost makes sense. Man, I can’t believe you’re actually wrestling Vince McMahon. That’s terrible.

Trevor Murdoch: Hey!

Lance Cade: Where do you think you’re going?

HHH: Certainly not to appear in a segment with you!

But Cade and Murdoch attack. You know, Vince has spent a lot of time going over his “unlimited resources,” but when you’re down to using Cade and Murdoch as your goons? Maybe it’s time to give up on this one. Anyway, Hunter and Shawn handle them nicely until Shane waylays Hunter from behind. And Michaels, just sort of drifts off camera. Maybe he went to go grab some finger sandwiches or something. Can’t blame him on that one. Oops, never mind. Big Show just threw him over a limo. After a sufficient amount of damage has been done to Hunter, Vince McMahon strolls in.

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, Hunter, you and I are going to have a no holds barred match! That’s right! Even the illegal double reverse hammerlock is going to be in the ol’ moveset tonight! Now…which way to the ring?

Shane McMahon: Back that way. I have no idea where these guys were going.

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Vince McMahon (w/ Shane McMahon) v. Triple H
In a No Holds Barred Match

See, I just don’t think it can be a true No Holds Barred match without Zeus. Anyway, the story of the match is that Triple H just got beat up, so Vince gets to pound on him for a few minutes, including hitting the PEDIGREE TO TRIPLE H~! But Hunter hulks up and gets Vince down. Just when things look bad for our hero, though, Shane gets involved to even the sides. But that dastardly Cerebral Assassin has a plan in his blood gushing head! He calls down Shawn Michaels, who, apparently, has fully recovered from his limo flip. Then Big Show comes down to tell everyone to watch ECW, and Kanyon walks to ringside to hold up his signs: “Who Gayer than Kanyon?” “Why did you leave me, Pat!” And “Local Indy Worker for Hire, Inquire Within.” While Hunter is distracted by Kanyon’s manly wiles, Vince hits him with a low blow and a roll-up for the win. Uh-oh, guys. That means you’re totally losing the Hell in a Cell.

X-Pac: Is it time for my run-in, yet?

No.