John Cena is out and the crowd is booing. Even the womens and the childrens. Where the hell are they tonight anyway? Ooooooooh Montreal. That explains everything. Their women don’t like buff jocky guys. They’re more into the scrawny mustachioed types. Cena’s got a mic. I can’t imagine this will go well….

John Cena: YO YO YO YO YO YO! YO!!

Last night I beat Edge,
I won TLC,
Through two tables,
With my variant DVD!

The crowd was booin’,
Nobody cheered,
Like somebody pissed
In their Molson Beer!

I’m the king of the ring,
I got nothin’ to hide,
The story with Edge is over,
Though it’d never die!

The only other heel is Orton,
So I’ve got nothin’ to fear,
Because he’s half suspended,
And
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Here comes the “Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and his gal Lita, who you will notice is not wearing the WWE Women’s Title, because WWE hates the Women’s Division. Ugh. Does this mean they’re still feuding?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: I know what you’re all thinking, and yes, this does mean we’re still feuding! Because I’m sick and tired of not being taken seriously as a now former two time WWE champion. Plus, I think Cena should really have gone to Smackdown where he’s needed the most.

Cena: No way, man. I nixed that idea once I found out that Veronica Mars chick had the Clap. Forget it. It’s not worth the risk.

Lita: That’s treatable, you know.

Cena: Besides, who am I going to feud with? Booker T? Forget that, dawg. I can’t have him exposing me as a no good whitey.

Edge: I think you do a fine job of that all by yourself.

Cena: What do you want anyway?

Edge: Look, all I really came out here to do is tell you that I’ve got a rematch clause in my contract, and as soon as the promotion for The Marine dies out, which should be, like, the Monday after it opens to a $2 million box office, I’m exercising it.

Cena: Why don’t you just exercise it right here in Montreal?

Edge: Dude, don’t be stupid. Nothing good ever happens to Canadians in Montreal. Nothing.

Cena: Yeah, I guess. Hey, why is it that I’m not getting cheered if everything is opposite in Canada?

Edge: I guess hate for you is universal? It’s the language everyone speaks.

Cena: Hey! Yeah! Kinda like Latin!

Two people who definitely don’t speak Latin are Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, who hit the ring. For no apparent reason. You know, I love it when WWE decides to push random guys out of nowhere. It’s just so fun! Whoever will they push next?! To counter that, here’s DX who don’t look so hot after spending an evening in Hell in a Cell. I’ve seen spryer corpses. That’s ok though, because Cade and Murdoch are just kind of basking in the spotlight anyway. They’re in no hurry to leave the ring. But they do, along with Edge and Lita once Shawn and Hunter finally do get down there. Now Coach is out. Whew. Can anybody say, “Oh, crap, tonight’s show doesn’t have a plausible main event!”?

Jonathan Coachman: Tonight’s show doesn’t have a plausible main event. So I’m booking you six in a six man tag team match.

Triple H: That doesn’t exactly sound “plausible” either.

Shawn Michaels: Hey, what’s with Cade and Murdoch being out here?

HHH: Man, don’t you remember? Shane and Vince hired them to attack us last week for no reason.

Shawn: Oh. Right. Well…why’d they hit the ring before us?

HHH: Uh….

Lance Cade: Because we knew you wouldn’t let Edge and Cena hog the spotlight, so what we did was preemptive on our parts.

HHH: There. Perfect sense.

Cena: Woah. Does this mean I’m in DX now?

Shawn: Well, let’s see…you’re juvenile enough, but you’re not nearly old enough.

HHH: Besides, I hate you.

Cena: Aw shucks.

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Backstage, Coach has set up some sort of video tribute station.

Jonathan Coachman: If you want to send your well wishes to the McMahons, here’s the spot.

Shelton Benjamin: Yeah, I want to send some well wishes to the McMahons. I wish them the well off this show! I mean, why didn’t they pick me to be in the Hell in a Cell?! I’m the damnedest athlete in the company! Could you imagine the spotfest I could put together there? Is it because I’m black?!

Coach: No. It’s because you’re not 7’2” or 500 pounds, you’re not the ECW Champion, you have no charisma, and also this is the first time you’ve been of Internet Heat in, like, six months.

Benjamin: Oh. Those are some pretty good reasons.

Yeah. This is our first match. Not Jamal is rocking the Washington Nationals face paint. That’s just inappropriate. Though classier than a John Cena throwback jersey. Both guys spend the early part of the match just running into each other at full force. Honestly, this is exactly the kind of match that’s more in tune with the spirit of pro-wrestling than anything else you’ll see tonight. A huge savage from the mystical isle of Samoa taking on an undead zombie dentist full force, head to head. I’m sorry, I have a bit of a tear in my eye. Anyway, WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan gets knocked out so they trade some chair shots while we take time for these….

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And we’re back and Not Jamal and Kane have tired of running into each other, and so they’ve decided to break for tea and discuss varying methodologies on sticking your thumb in another man’s eye. However, this heartwarming display of comraderie is short lived, as Armando is on the ring apron screaming for them to do something so he can get some mic time. So Kane grabs his chair, throws it at Not Jamal and kidnaps Armando. I guess your winner is Not Jamal, but I think the real winner here is Armando. He’s always looked like he could use a little more Kane.

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Backstage, Kane still has Armando.

Kane: What’s your name, little man?

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that you let me go! I’m too young to die!

Kane: Not Important, eh? Sounds like the name of somebody who wouldn’t mind getting his face cut off by this here ice cream scoop. What’d you say?

Not Important: I say that sounds really really bad! And kind of gross!

Kane: Aw man, Vogue was right. First dates are for suckers.

Kane starts to rip up his copy of Vogue so Not Important sneaks off with Not Jamal. At the McMahon Appreciation Tent, Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with…herself.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Pudgy Tigers Lick Coconut Creamiscles, here and I’m standing by with…with….

Spirit Squad Nicky: Out of the way, Maria!

Maria: Oh, right! The Spirit Squad! So guys, I’ve got to ask you, how does it feel to be passed over as the McMahon’s henchmen by a big fat guy and a horrible jobber tag team?

Spirit Squad Kenny: Pretty good, I guess. At least we’re not still jobbing to DX every week.

Spirit Squad Mikey: Get well soon, Vince and Shane! Yeah!

S.S. Kenny: Shut up, brown noser. Geez.

Spirit Squad Mitch: Guess what you guys? I got Johnny booked against Ric Flair this week!

Spirit Squad Johnny: I’ve got to touch that old hag? On what was supposed to be my day off?!

S.S. Nicky: Now you know why we hate you, Mitch.

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S.S. Johnny grabs the megaphone to start and Flair begs off. Then Ric bails to the outside and runs around the ring punching Spirit Squaders in the balls. That’s why he’s the champ! WOO! Back in the ring, Johnny tries to take advantage of Flair by utilizing his own moves against him (namely: chops), but Flair is a crafty veteran, who knows how to read his opponents strategy and go in for the kill. Namely? Kicking them in the balls. With S.S. Johnny’s balls firmly kicked, Flair rolls him up for the win. Join us next week when Triple Naitch teams up with a ventriloquist dummy to finally vanquish the S.S.

Backstage, Lita’s in the McMahon Appreciation Tent.

Lita: Hi, guys. I don’t even know why I’m here. It’s not like you all have done jack squat for me or Edge lately. Yeah. Thanks a lot. He’ll innovate up some breakfast for you while you’re in the hospital. I hope you like spinach. Wait a second, where was I? Oh right. The Women’s Championship. You guys don’t care what happens to that right? So can I just pretend I never lost it until I quit?

Alexis Laree: Hecks no! That’s my title belt! After all, I was Trish’s secret lesbian lover for all those months! And besides, if Raven taught me anything, it’s never to devalue a championship by putting it on whores like you!

Lita: Raven never taught you that!

Alexis: Well…he would have, if he weren’t passed out.

Lita: Yeah. You’re probably right.

Both girls nod smugly.

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Randy Orton has come to the ring and he’s ready to talk. Beware!

Randy Orton: Well, if it’s not beer to you by now, I am Ranky Q. Morgan, Legend Kill Guy. And last fight, at Onionmittens, I beat Taquito one…two…six right in the middle of this squarey ring! So cleanly, I am the fortune of this business! I am DESTINY~! Plus, my lip is Brooke.

Johnny Nitro: What the hell are you going on about, man? Why don’t you try making sense? I make sense! I make so much sense that I beat Jeff Hardy last night. How is that for sense?

Orton: I must admittance. Beaking Jeff Harpy makes a good deal of fence.

Nitro: Meanwhile, you? You’re doing this all for free, guy. You can’t even buy anything here in cheapo Canada.

Orton: Yeah? Well maybe I’ll whip the Androgynous Championchips for fee? Or take away your girl Mylanta?

Melina: Frankly, I miss Dave.

Orton: Barista has nothing on me, sipster.

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: I think I’m the real future of this business.

Nitro: What?! Man, you can’t even win your stupid Iron Chef Battles.

Orton: Yeah! Some Ion Shift you turned out to bleep!

Melina: Plus, you look terrible now that you’re off the roids. A goatee won’t hide that.

Masters: Shut up! Heels are supposed to be friends!

And they all get waylaid by Jeff Hardy, Carlito and Super Crazy. Hahaha, when those guys are putting you down, it’s time to regroup.

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Randy Orton v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina) v. Jeff Hardy v. Super Crazy v. Carlito Caribbean Cool
In a Six Pack Challenge for the WWE Intercontinental Title

Man, nothing about Carlito missing Trish? You mean…they’re just going to drop that angle like it never happened? NOOOOO! The crowd boos unresolved sexual tension. Thanks, Montreal. I’m sorry I inferred you were all a bunch of skinny lovin’ weirdos earlier. For this to be a real Six Pack challenge don’t they need Austin? Or at least X-Pac? Hell, Pac’d fit right in with these six. What is it with all the six man matches lately anyway? Are we out of matches already? Damn. Super Crazy jumps on everybody at ringside because he’s stupid. Time for some….

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Somebody needs to bring out a briefcase so I can make a Deal or No Deal joke. Then I could turn that into a Diva Search joke, but I haven’t seen Layla in months, so I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t go anywhere. What, WWE couldn’t find a way to use Downtown Julie Brown? Anyway, everybody runs through their finishers here (except Super Crazy because…he doesn’t have one), and everything is getting Crazy Go Nuts until Jeff Hardy lays out Orton with a Swanton. He’s about to blow the spot and fall over, but Nitro makes the save and steals the pin. Jeff Hardy alternates between…I think it’s supposed to be relieved and frustrated, but it’s more like relieved and blinking slowly.

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What time is it? What time is it? Cryme Tyme! Cryyyyyyme Tyyyyme! Cryyyyyme Tyyyyyme!

Shad Gaspard: Man, homey, I really like rollin’ dice wit’ you.

JTG: Word?

Shad: Hells yeah! Boggle is off the heezy fo sheezy!

JTG: Word.

Whitey: Hello gentlemen, would you happen to know the way to the country club?

Shad: What the hell do I look like? OnStar or something’? Get your cracka ass out of my face.

JTG: Go up 7th and take a left on Johnson. You’ll see a Wendy’s about half a mile down, take a left there, and get on the freeway. It merges there, so you’ve got to stay left. Look for the signs for Harper Street. I think it’s four or five miles down. Can’t miss it.

Whitey: Thank you, son.

Shad: What was that all about? How the hell do you know where the country club is?

JTG: Man there’s this chick that works there with some big ol’ titties.

Shad: Word.

Backstage at the McMahon Appreciation Tent….

Jonathan Coachman: Hi, Vince. Shane. Next on the list is longtime WWE Employee Gera-

Triple H: Nope, he’s lying. It’s us.

Shawn Michaels: Hi. I’m praying for you guys.

HHH: And I’d like to thank you for having a daughter crazy enough to marry my ass. Man law?

Shawn: No. Shut up about that!

HHH: Anyway, it was pretty funny seeing your face in Big Show’s ass last night. Not “Ha Ha” funny or anything. More like, “Look at us make fun of ECW” funny, though. Plus, in the spirit of our tag team partner tonight, we wrote you a poem.

Vince and Shane,
It’s kind of lame,
That you wound up,
In the Hall of Shame.

At least as summer,
Turns into fall,
Big Show’s ass,
Warms us all.

I threw a Superkick,
And you didn’t duck it.
Now all we ask,
Is that you….

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Jeff Hardy: 2Xtreme!

Elsewhere, Boobsie McTitsalot is waving her boobs around.

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Jim Ross uses this match, of all places, to send a shout out to Pat Patterson. The I.C. Title match was right there, dude. You think he’s paying attention to this crap? Lita takes control of the match, while I note the amusing fact that she’s wearing the least slutty outfit in this whole match. You go on with your bad self WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton! Work it, girl! Maybe Patterson is watching. Lita goes for the moonsault, but Alexis Laree stops her. No sense breaking your neck again so close to retirement. While Lita contemplates that, Boobsie hits her with a power bomb and gets the pin. *****

Backstage, Edge can’t believe it.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: This game sucks. I hate Monday Night Football.

Trevor Murdoch: Why aren’t we watching your girlfriend’s match?

Edge: If there’s one thing I can stand less than Monday Night Football, it’s women’s wrestling. Ever notice how I never go down there with her?

Lance Cade: Forget about that for now. Let’s go out there and beat up DX and Cena! We’re fresh! We can do this!

Edge: Yeah…with you guys as my partners? I don’t think so.

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Did you know that WWE.com sucks? I guess it wouldn’t hurt to change your homepage to this then, would it? The crowd starts getting on HBK’s case for screwing Bret, but quickly lets bygones be bygones so long as he keeps pointing at his crotch. What a strange thing to do. Anyway, I guess the point is that people are able to forgive a lot of things as long as a crotch is involved. Everybody runs around for about twenty seconds while Edge naps in the corner. Then Shawn hits Cade in the face with a chair for being such a lame ass student. Edge wins! This is more shocking to him than anyone else. DX and Cena celebrate though. Because they’re assholes.

Next Week: Edge teams with Shelton Benjamin as his Internet Heat Tour de Force continues! The McMahons return in wheelchairs for exciting backstage races. And the WWE Women’s Title is awarded to Lillian Garcia as part of a divorce settlement.