Ric Flair: That’s why you’re the champ! WOO!

HHH: No.

Shawn Michaels: Not to knock the catering or anything, but what the hell is this yellow crap on my burger?

Chef Bastion Booger: Why, those are my world famous cheeseboogers! Ahahaha!

Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters: Let me get this straight. You have, on staff, an Iron Chef.

HHH: Right.

Masters: And “The Innovator of Breakfast.”

Shawn: Yeah.

Masters: And you cast those characters aside to provide a bit role to Bastion friggin’ Booger? All so he can make a juvenile snot joke and then leave?

HHH: It…seemed like a good idea at the time? Heh?

Flair: I’m gonna take these burgers for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO!

Last Week: Man, that show went on forever, didn’t it. I could’ve sworn I turned on USA a few hours ago, and Mae and Moolah were still walking to the ring. Plus, Randy Orton and Edge swore unholy vengeance on DX. And all the brands had a huge after party. Who’s going to be having an after party…TONIGHT?!

(Opening Credits)

And coming down to the ring it’s DX! Wait, that’s not DX at all! That tricky Edge and Randy Orton! For what it’s worth, Edge’s Hunter is kind of lacking. He’s got the water spitting, huge stupid nose, and even the “Lemmy Halloween Magic Beard” going for him, but he doesn’t have Hunter’s protracted jock itch walk quite right. Orton, however, is perfectly prancy as HBK, even if he isn’t wearing the mirror chaps over pants (a definite fashion faux pas!) and he only prays to Jesus once on the way to the ring. When they enter the ring, Edge falls over. ORTON WINS~! As they start to pose, Randy grabs his back and Edge blows his quad. Never mind. They’re perfect as DX.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Now you may all be wondering why we’re out here dressed as DX….

Randy Orton: It’s to get candy! Right, Sledge? People dress up on Hasbroteen to get candy!

Edge: No! It’s to make a not so subtle mockery of our “stuck in the 90s” opponents!

Orton: So I brought my McBucket Nugget for nothing?

Edge: Dude, where’d you get that?! McDonalds hasn’t made those for, like, fifteen years! Gimmie! And to all you fans out there, “Quit buying DX merchandise!” This isn’t 1997. At least my T-Shirts are kind of cool. Just go dig your old DX shirt out of the closet if you have to wear one. Geez.

Orton: All my skirts suck. I don’t know what a “Lemon Kilmer Tour” is, but whatever it is, it’s a total rip-off of me, Legend Kill Guy Ranky Q. Morgan! Why, I’m the yawnest Word Champion in WWZ history! I’m the best restful…guy…man…guy in Three’s Company today!

Edge: The guy can also make a mean Strawberries and Cream Breakfast Burrito, too, folks.

Orton: Straw Bales and Beans is my favorite kind of Bread Fest taquito, Hedge.

Here’s the real DX. There’s the jock itch strut we all know and love.

Triple H: That was pretty pointless guys. I mean, seriously, what good did it do to make fun our entrance? Did that sell the PPV any?

Edge: Well…no….

HHH: Never mind that, though. That’s not even why we came out here. We were taking a poll backstage, and…it turns out that everybody agrees that having Bastion Booger cater the party was good for that one “Boogers” joke…the food really sucks. I was kind of hoping that you’d whip something up quick, Edge?

Edge: For you guys? Hell no!

Shawn Michaels: Not even if we throw in these naked Randy Orton pictures?

HHH: And this one of Shawn’s ass?

Orton: Take the deal, Ebersol!

Edge: No! No Deal. What the hell do I look like, some kind of Orton loving idiot?

Shawn: Well…yeah. You kinda do.

Orton: I’ve garnished it! What if I take on Hummer here, mango e Mondo here in this very sprig! And if he wins, you caper the barley, Epilogue! But if I win, it’s burgerboogers for everyone!

Edge: That’s really a can’t lose prospect, there, Randy. Why couldn’t you just get Masters?

Shawn: Hunter here accidentally called him “Short Round,” and so Masters stormed off.

HHH: So it’s settled.

Then the four guys brawl for a couple seconds as a formality, and Edge and Orton bail. Erm…Good job establishing the threat? Of Shawn and Hunter…? Orton deserves an Emmy for his slapstick overacting though. For reals.

(ads)

Hey, look it’s the Carter brothers. I’ve never watched your show, guys, sorry. Oh, never mind, they’re just showing them to transition into….

What time is it?! Cryme Tyme baby! Good time to note that JTG has taken full advantage of his dental package. I think that’s really all that’s missing from Shannon Moore’s character is a mouth full of gold teeth. Anyway, this is the classic “talented little guy teams with oafish big guy” team with JTG playing Shawn Michaels from Michaels/Nash and Shad playing Swoll. The Spirit Squad takes control for most of the match, but the L.A. crowd is firmly in the corner of the rambunctious minorities, and with their support, it’s a pretty easy first win for Cryme Tyme. Yay stereotypes!

(ads)

Apparently, Spirit Squad Kenny thinks he’s too good for the S.S. Geez, give the guy a headband to stand out from the rest of them, and suddenly he’s better than Mitch.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with Johnny Nitro and Melina.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham, here, and I’m standing by with Johnny Nitro and Melina, and guys, I have to ask you, how boring will you be tonight?

Melina: Not boring at all, Todd! Because tonight we’ve brought a very special guest celebrity who had nothing better to do than appear on RAW.

Grisham: Nicole Ritchie?

Johnny Nitro: It was supposed to be, until Totally Not Jamal ate her. Sigh.

Grisham: Hey, stupid long stockings, intro this The Marine video package.

Melina: In Hollywood, nobody’s heard of The Marine.

Seriously, I think fourteen people went to see this movie. Elsewhere backstage, King Booker is eating little squares of cheese.

King Booker: Queen Sharmell, I do declare these to be the squarest cheeses I have eaten on this, the Sixteenth of October.

Queen Sharmell: Let us celebrate by taking a spontaneous dance break!

Jonathan Coachman: Sharmell, we don’t have time for your Nitro Girls. What we need is for you all to sit here patiently until Vince is done saying whatever stupid crap he has to say, and then you can go back to Smackdown where I never have to deal with you again.

Shad Gaspard: Book-man! What’s up, dawg?! Where’s your crown and robe at?

Booker: Mine crown is currently getting “blinged out” by the chick with the Bedazzler in wardrobe! And mine robe is at the dry cleaners!

JTG: Word?

Shad: That sounds hella tight!

JTG: Well, I’m going to help myself to some cheese cubes.

Shad: And I’m going to help myself to the Royal Treasury.

Coach: Are you mugging Booker?

Booker: Who do I look like? Wendy? I’m the King, dammit!

JTG: Not to get all technical or nothin’, but doesn’t that mean that we get to “have it our way.”

Booker: Yeah…here’s my wallet. You win this round, Cryme Tyme!

Elsewhere, Jeff Hardy is looking around trying to figure out who stole his arm paint.

(ads)

“Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters v. Super Crazy v. Shelton Benjamin v. Jeff Hardy
In a Four Way Dance for the WWE Intercontinental Title

It’s weird, isn’t it? That Super Crazy is considered a I.C. level guy now? Like, where the hell did that come from? Speaking of I.C. level guys, there ain’t no stoppin’ Shelton from randomly appearing on RAWs…NAH! I still miss Mama, though. So, who do you suppose it is keeping Jeff in line? Because he’s held up remarkably well so far. My guess? The Imagi told him to stay in WWE to collect a halfway decent paycheck. They do that Indytastic spot where two guys are doing a superplex in the corner, and another guy comes over and powerbombs them. And the only guy left standing after that whole exchange is Jeff Hardy, so why don’t we take time for some….

(ads)

When we come back Chris Masters is trying, with varying degrees of success to put Lillian Garcia in a Masterlock. The dude hasn’t had a real match in weeks now. I wonder if his Iron Chef license got revoked or something. Then Shelton Benjamin surreptitiously breaks some celery while kicking Jeff Hardy in the head. Mmmm…syruptitious celery. Somebody get Edge on the phone, I think I’ve had a breakthrough! Anyway, everybody jumps around the ring for a few minutes, until Masters gets tired and lies down, and Hardy hits the Swanton on him for the win.

Backstage, Booker is talking to the Police.

King Booker: Are you going to treat a monarch like that? Go catch those two hoodlums and make them give me my royal loot back!

Police Officer: Nah, man. We can’t really actually do anything about stuff like that that happens during a wrestling show. Maybe you could hire some Local Indy Workers or something.

Booker: And you! Shouldn’t you be in TNA?!

Sting: Man, only when I want to be. I’m the friggin’ number one contender for that title. That gig is so sweet. I might not even show up for the PPV. Wait…did you say you had a royal lute?

Booker: Nah. Royal loot. L O O T.

Sting: Damn, because I could totally bust out “Greensleeves” right here.

Big Show: That song always makes me cry.

Booker: What the hell are you doing here?

Show: I heard Aaron and Nick Carter were here, and I just had to come!

Booker: Oh! Where?!

Vince McMahon: Both of you shut up. Let’s get this whole thing over with so that I can go back to my hotel room and watch the end of Deal or No Deal.

Show: But where’s Cena?!

Sting: DUN DUN DUH!

Vince: Who the hell are you?

(ads)

Nitro and Melina are out.

Johnny Nitro: I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time selling this Hollywood C-List gimmick if you’re going to keep coming to the ring in heels and stupid looking socks. Buy a…buy a pair of boots if that’s the look you want, would you?

Melina: Ok, dude. What’s that coat made out of anyway? Dead cat?

Nitro: Yes. So shut up. Here’s our good friend and special guest, Kevin Federline!

Noooooo kidding.

Kevin Federline: Aw man, I thought you were Val Kilmer.

Nitro: Kevy, baby, where’s Britney at?

K-Fed: Sorry, y’all, but Britney couldn’t be here tonight. I set her up with a whole room full of Poptarts, and now she’s eatin’ her way out!

Nitro: What are you going to spend her money on then in the meantime?

K-Fed: I’m gonna buy me a brand new hat. And it’s going to say “KF” on the front. Written in the blood of orphans and outlined in platinum.

Melina: Oh! I have one just like it. Anyway, why don’t you treat us to one of your songs.

K-Fed: Yeah. Ever since PopoZao got pushed off the record, I’ve been workin’ on some new stuff that I think everybody will love. I call this one, “Hansel and Gretel”

Yo
Baby fat.
Baby fat.
Makin’ you have babies.
So you be fat.
Baby fat.

Then nobody loves you,
Cuz you got baby fat,
Nobody needs you,
Cuz you got baby fat!

You can’t divorce me,
I got it in writing,
You’d owe me five mil!
Isn’t it exciting.

You’re the one that married me
So don’t blame me if you dumb!
I’m a white trash lay about,
You fat and barefoot chewin’ gum!

Then nobody loves you,
Cuz you got baby fat,
Nobody needs you,
Cuz you got baby fat!

Nitro: Profound!

K-Fed: Hells yeah. That’s really all I got right now, though, but the album doesn’t drop until Halloween, so I gots time to work on it, nahtimeen?

Did somebody say lazy white rapper? That can only mean it’s time for some…APPLE DOUGH!

John Cena: Yo, yo yo yo yo yo YO! And I thought Tha Trademarc was the worst white rapper in history. You, my friend, take the cake. In fact, here’s a little rap I composed for you!

Slimy white dancer,
Couldn’t get a job.
You lucky Shar Jackson,
Isn’t tight with the mob!

Leavin’ girls left and right,
When allowances don‘t clear,
Used to bang a hottie,
Now it’s “That’s Britney Spears?!”

You fugged her up but good,
I gotta give you props,
You go out and party,
She stays home to watch Cops!

Now, both your careers suck,
And she looks like a steer,
Congrats on your two kids,
But…
THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!

Then Cena and K-Fed argue about whose lame rap albums will end up selling more copies, and Nitro and Melina bail. Before they can come to the agreement that they’ll both probably lap Paris Hilton, King Booker comes running out.

King Booker: Aaron Carter?! Aaron Carter?! Where are you, dawg? I’m, like, your biggest fan! Aaron?!

Big Show: Aaaron? What are you smoking, man? Nick is the better looking and more talented of the Carters.

Booker: Oh, hell no. Tell me you did not say that. TELL ME you did NOT just say that!

Vince McMahon: While you’re all out here and in one place, I just wanted to mention that voting for our Cyber Sunday Pay Per View is going to start tonight, with the eternal question, “Who’s title is going to be on the line for this match?!” Not that that’ll matter, because it’s going to be the Spinnin’ Title and Cena’s going to retain it anyway.

K-Fed: You named a PPV “Cyber Sunday?!” What th…Even I know better than that!

And so, Vince McMahon starts sobbing and runs off. Big Show and Booker leave to try to find the Carters, and Cena and K-Fed are in the ring together.

K-Fed: ‘Sup, homey? I loved you in Manhunt. That show was the bomb, yo!

So, John Cena FUs him, because Manhunt was certainly a bomb. But it wasn’t the bomb. And it’s worth noting that for the first time in about 16 months? The whole crowd agrees with John Cena. Well played, WWE!

(ads)

Steve-O is in the crowd. He asks when Jay Lethal is going to come out. To their credit, the crowd responds, “Who?”

Rob Conway still works for this company? I could’ve sworn he was in TNA trying to teach Sting how to find his inner Chi or something. Maybe Sting brought him here tonight or something. And…like, dumped him off with no bus fare. So it’s either walk all the way back to wherever it is guys like Rob Conway go (the YMCA?) or man-up, and job to Carlito. Which Conway does post haste. These guys don’t get paid by the hour, folks. And thank God for that. I don’t know if I could’ve taken three hours of DX last week.

Backstage, Edge and Lita are with Vince McMahon.

Vince McMahon: Yeah, so I’m trying to set up some other stupid things for people to vote on. Like…what color the ring apron will be, or whether or not to shoot Lillian Garcia out of a canon.

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Why not let fans pick the referee for me and Orton’s match against DX?

Vince: Ooooh! That is pointless. Will it be WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan?! Or perhaps WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton! We could even throw WWE Smackdown Referee Jimmy Kordaris in there as a wild card….

Lita: I think Edge meant, like, you or Eric Bischoff or Eugene or something.

Vince: Even better! We can have everybody vote for Bischoff and throw the marks by making them think we’re going throw with that stupid nWo thing! Brilliant! I’ll have to call Michael Cole!

In Orlando….

Scott Hall: Man, now they aren’t doing the nWo reunion? But we were getting the band back together! Hey, yo! Kev! Get on the phone and call Vince! Tell him we want to come back.

Kevin Nash: I’m tannin’ here, Scotty. Leave me alone! Besides! I’m back in TNA now anyway. Fifty grand a week to sit around and make fun of their roster? Screeeeew Vince.

Hall: Well then how the hell was I supposed to have a partner for our big match at Survivor Series?

Nash: You know me, Scotty. I took care of you. I got you another member of the Black and White to team with.

Stevie Ray: Tony! Tony! Can I ax you a question, Tony?!

Hall: Stevie Ray? I’m not Tony, man. I’m Scott. Remember?

Stevie: What’s with all them yaks, Tony? It’s on like a neck bone!

Hall: It’s on like a neckbone where?

Nash: DOWN TH-

Alex Shelley: I’m so excited you’re back, Mr. Nash! Look! I brought Pocket Trouble! Once you pop, you can’t stop! Until somebody wins the game that is! I call green!

Hall: I swear, I’m going to kill this guy one of these days.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is standing by with Steve-O and Chris Pontius.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Steve-O and Chris Pontius, two of the stars of Jackass Number 2, and I’ve got to ask you guys…what the hell are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in TNA?

Steve-O: Like I’d show up in TNA! Hell no. There’s some things even I wouldn’t do.

Grisham: So who are your favorite wrestlers?

Chris Pontius: Oh, man, Sonjay Dutt!

Steve-O: Chris Sabin!

Grisham: Who?

Pontius: Yeah, Neidhart was ok, I guess.

Then they talk Todd into eating a cow colon filled with fireworks, and Todd explodes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important! What is important is that my man, The Samoan Bulldog, Totally Not Jamal is here tonight, to see if you two really are Jackasses, or whether you’re just a couple of…well…jackasses.

So Totally Not Jamal comes down and sticks his thumbs in their eyes. But these are guys who regularly jam nail guns up their asses, so I’m guessing being poked by a fat Samoan guy ain’t no thang. What’s the deal with all these weird cameos tonight? I know we’re in L.A., but geez. Was Morgan Webb booked or something? She could’ve been in the women’s match! She’s Canadian, so she could probably wrestle. Not Jamal keeps kicking Steve-O, but Steve-O is laughing, probably because Not Jamal is rocking the Arizona Cardinals face paint in support of SoCal superstar Matt Leinart. Which, of course, means Steve-O can see the future.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is wandering around backstage. She’s the only girl left, right? Left right? Geez…what the hell am I talking about? Aren’t those lace gloves uncomfortable to wrestle in? And generally useless?

(ads)

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) v. Boobsie McTitsalot v. Victoria v. Torrie Wilson
In a Bra and Panties, Last Chance Match in the First Round of the Tournament for the WWE Women’s Title

Yeah, that’s right. Just throw all the losers in there. We won’t know the difference! Seriously. We won’t. Lillian Garcia takes the time to use her flash cards to see if she remembers what city all the girls hail from. It’s going great until she announces Torrie Wilson as being from “The Depths of Hades.” That’s Depths of Hades, Idaho, Lillian! Anyway, Maria wins when she strips herself down to her bra and panties, so the other girls just shrug and file off. Nice to see you tonight, ladies!

(ads)

Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels) v. Randy Orton (w/ “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Lita)
In a Match to Determine the Catering for the Satireversary Afterparty

Have you ever really taken the time to notice how stupid DX’s intro catchphrase is? I mean, it’s all, “Let’s get ready to Suck It!” And then if you’re not ready to Suck It, then you should just Suck It anyway? Is that right? Is there supposed to be some forced sucking going on or something? Isn’t there, like, state laws against that sort of thing. I mean…I’m no Congressional Page or anything, but, come on. Hunter and Randy, by the way, were both in Evolution. I’m just filling space now before these….

(ads)

I will say this for the Arizona Cardinals, at least their non-sucky statistic performance gave me a Fantasy Football win tonight! Yay for them! You sucked the exact amount I needed you to! Speaking of sucking to the proper degree, Randy Orton takes control of Triple H with a CHINLOCK~! Geez…what is it with all the sucking tonight? It’s like a French hooker convention broke out on RAW (in more ways than one!). Kane never would have stood for this. That’s why RAW needed more Kane. However, even with Edge and Lita running interference, Triple H still gets to hit Orton with a chair for the pinfall. Yep. Edge and Orton are a THREAT TO BE RECKONED WITH~!

Next Week: Randy Orton and Edge finally get their revenge on DX when they find a Bible passage that seems to indicate that God isn’t, in fact, “Down with that.” Plus, year six of the Satire kicks off with the semifinal round of the Women’s Title Tournament, is Alexis Laree even still working for this company?! Let’s find out! All that, and Andy Rooney next week on RAW Satire.

Backstage….

Triple H: Thanks for doing this, Edge. These Bacon Double Cheese Pop Tarts are great!

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Yeah. Thanks for holding me down, Hunter.

Randy Orton: Guys, this is the best post-cordial meal I’ve ever eastern.

Johnny Nitro: Forgive me if I’m missing something, but what are we celebrating here anyway?

HHH: It’s the Satireversary.

Nitro: Which is…what…exactly?

Edge: I think…I think it’s like the day God gave quail to the Jews or something.

Shawn Michaels: No, no, no. It’s a made up Hallmark holiday. Like Sweetest Day. Or Thanksgiving.

HHH: I always thought it was somebody’s birthday or something.

Nitro: And if this is the fifth “Satireversary” shouldn’t we be doing something special?

Edge: Nah. We blew our load on the special guest appearances last week.

Orton: Bee slides, the less spectral guests we have, the more Cade for us.

Lance Cade: Exactly! Wait…what?

HHH: Man, every year. What a lame party this turned out to be. I’m going home and going to bed.

Shawn: Right behind you!

Suddenly, “Dave” Batista “Davidson” jumps out of the cake.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I am a CAKE!