You know what? I bet Kane would get a kick out of pulling out his own eyeballs. Sigh. This show needs more Kane.

Speaking of pulling your own eyes out, here’s Kevin Federline. Maybe he’ll treat us to a few words?

Kevin Federline: Yeah! That’s right! 

King Booker: Aw man, I can’t believe they booked me into this segment.

Queen Sharmell: Do you really want to draw the ire of The Undertaker again, my King?

Booker: I mean, I can’t believe I’m King Boooookah! Sucka.

K-Fed: Yo, Booker, dawg, what did you think of my album Playing with Fire?

Booker: I haven’t wanted to kill myself that bad since the time I heard Brooke Hogan’s new album.

K-Fed: But you did listen to it. Street cred, yo.

Big Show: I accidentally made my copy into a sandwich. And folks, I’ve got to say, Kevin Federline’s Playing with Fire is far and away the best tasting CD with mustard and lettuce since Sarah McLaughlin’s Mirrorball.

Backstage….

Triple H: So that’s where that went.

Back in the ring….

K-Fed: Yo, I’m using that on my album cover, yo.

Booker: Shouldn’t we be talking about Cyber Sunday?

Show: I’d really rather not.

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO!

I’m comin’ to Cyber Sunday,
Gonna have a brawl,
One man leaves the match,
With a claim to it all!

K-Fed back in the house,
Because he got us on TV,
Pat O’Brien had phone sex,
With Mrs. Booker T!

Marine’s not doin’ well,
But it’s all still good,
I get more props than Kevin,
Walkin’ through the hood!

Big Show is really fat,
Recognize Reggie’s Prayer!
Best movie ever!
Favre, Morita AND Gale Sayers?!

Chi-town represent,
Bears defense instillin’ fear.
Almost lost to Arizona,
But THE CHAMP IS HERE!

Big Show: In all fairness, Mike Holmgren as a janitor in Reggie’s Prayer was an inspired bit of casting.

Ron Simmons: Hi guys, what’s goin’ on out here?

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Melina v. Alexis Laree
In a Second Round Match in the WWE Women’s Title Tournament

Woah, Alexis is still on the roster? Neat. It’s almost like the women have their own little division now. I’m just kidding. It’s nothing like that. Anyway, Alexis seemingly learned all her carrying skills from Raven, so she just slouches in the corner while Melina stands in the middle of the ring and has bad makeup. At least she didn’t learn her carrying skills from Maven, I guess. Then she’d just hit Melina with a drop kick and have terrible eyebrows. I do have to comment that while Melina has fine ring gear, Alexis is wearing little boots with huge socks. Does somebody have a weird looking socks fetish there or something? Is it Kevin Dunn? That would explain a lot, actually. Alexis wins after the Raven Effect. Good for her. Let’s all vote for it to be a Bra and Panties Women’s Title match at Cyber Sunday now.

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Chicago loves Jeff Hardy. I bet Chris Masters would fix up a really good hot dog. I have no idea why I wanted you all to know that. But there it is. Maybe with some ketchup. Anyway, Carlito and Shelton are two of the three men up for nomination to be Jeff Hardy’s opponent at Cyber Sunday, but my vote is with the third option, Viscera. It’s all about picking the match that would have the best workrate, folks. Shelton rolls up Carlito somehow, and gets the win. Chris Masters wins a match!! Afterwards everybody argues about whether or not Carlito’s hair was under the ropes, so the sound people play Jeff Hardy’s music instead of Shelton’s. Way to kick him in the nuts, guys.

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Here’s two of the Chicago Bears. I guess Kyle Orton is here looking for his long lost cousins?

Well it may not be Abe, but here’s Randy and “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with…ugh…the “The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge and Randy Orton. And Edge, I’ve got to ask, where’s Lita?

“The Innovator of Breakfast” Edge: Well, Todd, it turns out that she forgot to put makeup on her cleavage, and so she’s off doing that while we talk. And speaking of talking, would it be too much to ask for one friggin’ gift win over DX so we look kinda a little like a threat to them?

Grisham: In my experience, yes, Edge, that would be too much to ask.

Randy Orton: Toddster, my parker here, Elle, is abolishly corrupt! Deceleration X is a bane on the society of progressional relishing. I rue the day! RUE! When CX avoids me of my DESTINY! DESTINY~! Toddster! They’re beaking us with eclair shots and Rolos! Well, guys, we’re team EKG! And you know what that means? Dynamite!

Grisham: Huh?

Edge: Eclair shots and rolos? That’s brilliant.

Orton: They don’t call me Ranky Q. Morgan for nothing!

Edge: No, I don’t suppose they do.

Elsewhere….

Johnny Nitro: Definitely Batman. Superman has all the powers, but he’s a total nancy boy. Batman would say something about needing to go solve a crime or fight ninjas or something, and Superman would let him walk all over him.

Kevin Federline: Ok, who do you think would win in a fight: John Cena or John Triton?

Nitro: Are you kidding? WWE makes everybody job to Cena. Cena would beat the crap out of that stupid Marine dude.

K-Fed: Ok, what about this one? Robocop taking on the Terminator!

Nitro: Shhh! Dude! Robocop is real, man! He’s got a WWE Legends contract! If he hears us talking crap about him, my career is over!

K-Fed: Word, yo. That’s off the hizzle.

WWE RAW Road Agent Robocop: Greetings, Citizens. Your match is next!

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Melina has changed into her stupid socks and heels getup again. Really, is there a market for that? Like, I get the stockings and heels thing, but these are like…the kind of socks you’d buy your mom for Christmas, only thigh high and worn with a slip. I’m sorry, I’ve just lost all interest in calling this match. Which is fine, because basically all it is is Cena punching Nitro while K-Fed makes faces outside the ring. And then he takes a shot at Cena. Dammit, I’m calling the match again. I really hate doing that. You ever think Melina is ever going to get pissed off that Nitro won’t be her valet? I mean if she ever wrestles again? (Cena won by the way

) No? Yeah, I guess it’s hard to piss the broad off (women’s lib, represent!). Anyway, Cena chases K-Fed around the ring, and I don’t blame him, but it’s still kind of a dick move, so Booker and Big Show run down and beat the crap out of Cena for being such a wuss. Then Booker takes out Show from behind, because Smackdown needs the extra ratings.

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This is a non-title match. It just dawned on me that if they ever wanted to turn Cryme Tyme heel, Kevin Federline would make an awesome manager for them. In a completely unrelated note, I was shopping at the Mall of America this weekend, and I noticed that every jewelry store in the mall (and some kiosks!!) had Grills on sale. What the hell? Like, you walk into a nice jewelry store, and there next to the engagement rings is a placard that says “Ask about our Grillz” with some bedazzled dentures. I don’t know about you, but…geez…I wouldn’t want my “grill” from some middle aged Jewish guy working at a mall. “Oi, let’s see, 8-Ballah, yeah, that’ll be 8570 for the Grillz. Hoyim!” Anyway, Cryme Tyme wins it in short order. After the match, Kenny is so pissed off about being “that loser in the headband from the Spirit Squad” that he kicks the crap out of Nicky and challenges Ric Flair. Way to get noticed there, Rico.

This Week in Wrestling History: The Chamber of Horrors. Yeah, WWE. No. You can’t go “Oh, look how stupid WCW, was! LOL!” and then go back to “Here’s Kevin Federline wrestling John Cena and a Midget that hides under the ring.” You just…can’t. Leave the self referential mocking to the pros! Or…at least to me.

For some reason Eugene is in the ring, and he’s shooting out “Cyberslam ‘97 T-Shirts” dressed in his Brian Urlacher costume, though he looks more like Jim McMahon to be honest. And I thought the Bengals were the Internet smarks team of choice lately anyway. All this, of course, brings out Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is Not Important! What is important is that the Bears deserved to lose last Monday Night! But I had them winning by 47! And if you can’t cover my spread? You get attacked by my Samoan Bulldogzer! Totally Not Jamal!

The crowd chants along with Not Jamal’s name, which is always fun. Before Not Jamal (sporting his Detroit Tigers face paint and pine tar all over his hands, because he’s a dick) can make it to the ring, Eugene thinks quick and shoots Not Important right in the balls with the T-Shirt gun. Totally Not Jamal is not very impressed however, and before Eugene can load up his sweaty old “Monday Night Jericho” shirt, Not Jamal squashes him on the turnbuckles. Everybody’s a critic.

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WWE was in Japan this week. Do you suppose Tajiri showed up backstage and kicked Randy Orton in the face? I do.

Backstage Eugene is pissed off….

Eugene: I’m pissed off. Why in the hell am I jobbing to Totally Not Jamal? I know everything about pro-wrestling! This is ridiculous.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Eugene, you have to get your act together! You suck in the ring, son. Hell, I’m better than you. Just knowing a lot about workrate doesn’t mean you have any. HOOOOOOOO!

Eugene throws Duggan into a wall.

Eugene: Me teaming with you made no sense. You suck. I hated every minute of it.

Eric Bischoff: Man, I wish I could’ve been the one to do that.

Eugene: Oh, hey, Uncle Eric. I read your stupid book, and it contradicted everything Dave Meltzer ever said about the downfall of WCW. I don’t think I have to tell you which side of the story I believe.

Bischoff: Oh what the hell does Mr. MMA FTW~! know about WCW anyway?

WWE Road Agent Robocop: Greetings, Citizens. I heard a commotion, and I am here to serve and protect.

Eugene: It’s nothing.

Bischoff: My nephew here was just telling me that he believes Dave Meltzer over me!

Robocop: WCW was screwed waaaaaaay before your uncle got there. And Dave Meltzer is all screwed up from years of the ‘roids.

Duggan: Heeeeeelp….

Eugene: DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE MELZ LIKE THAT!

WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Medical Officer Dr. The Boogeyman and I’m here to sedate you!!!

Eugene, Robocop, Duggan, and Bischoff: Wooohoo!

Dr. The Boogeyman: No…only Eugene.

Robocop and Bischoff: Aw.

Duggan: Ow….

Eugene: Yay!

Vince McMahon: Didn’t…Didn’t I fire you?

Dr. The Boogeyman: Then you hired me back at twice the price!

Vince: Oh. Crap.

King Booker: RESTRAINING ORDER! Robocop! Get him out of here!

Robocop: Meh. Later, maybe. I gotta go get fitted for my grill.

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Ameeeeeeeerican! Dreeeeeeaaaaam! Sadly, no polka dot garbage bags or Sapphire though. Which would be… kinda hard, I guess. If this is Flair’s new gimmick, just bringing out random old people, I’m all for it. What’s Koko B. Ware up to anyway? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Don’t be surprised if this shows up on WWE.com some time this week though:

Who should Ric Flair’s Partner against Spirit Squad Mitch and Spirit Squad Mikey Be?

A. Arn Anderson
B. Dean Malenko
C. Doink
D. Lou Thesz

My money is on Doink. Slaughter tries to be all bad ass and high five everybody, but nobody is paying attention so he’s left hanging every time. HA! That’s awesome. Poor Sarge. Miz still likes you. Flair gets rolled up while everybody is standing around shocked that Dusty can still walk, so that’s the match. Afterwards, Kenny bails and the rest of the S.S. get beat up by old folks. Watch Dusty dance! He should be the GM of RAW! He can have dance offs with Teddy Long every joint PPV! And Paul Heyman can do the Curly spin when it’s his turn. Why am I not booking WWE again? I will note that this is the third time in a row that Piper’s looked thrilled to be there. Thanks for coming, Roddy!

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Todd Grisham is standing by with DX….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with DX, and guys, I’ve got to ask you, Randy Orton was in here earlier claiming that you needed eclair shots and Rolos to beat him last week. What do you have to say about that?

Triple H: Shawn, do we have any pastries?

Shawn Michaels: No….

HHH: Caramel candies?

Shawn: I don’t believe so?

HHH: I don’t know what he’s talking about, Todd.

Shawn: That’s not a bad idea though. File that one away. DX Brand Pastries and Caramel candies.

HHH: They’re DXlicious.

Shawn: Let’s not get carried away.

Grisham: What about Edge’s accusation that you’re holding them down?

HHH: Oh, that’s true.

Shawn: That’s the long and short of it, anyway.

HHH: Ok, I’m taking the elevator out of here, you want in Shawn?

Shawn: Nah, I need the exercise.

Grisham: There’s only one way out for me.

And with that, Todd yanks himself up with an invisible rope around his neck. Todd Grisham has fallen. Elsewhere, a meeting of the minds occurs.

Eric Bischoff: Ow. That really hurt.

Jonathan Coachman: I have no idea why we did that. Oh, hey, check out WWE.com. You can vote for Flair’s partner.

Bischoff: I’m voting for Doink.

Coach: I don’t thi-

Vince McMahon: Coach, can I have a word with Eric?

Coach: Fiiine. You two can share prestidigious. Sigh. I’m really going to miss that one.

Vince: It’s nice to be in this prestidigious poll with you, Eric. But I need your help. You see, I’m sick of promoting your book “Controversy Creates Cash (buy it at WWEShop.com!)” so I need a little something out of you. Something to take care of DX.

Bischoff: Oh, Mr. McMahon…I know EXACTLY what you need. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! So…I’ll see you out there?

Vince: Hecks no. I’m going to go get fitted for my grill. Later, yo.

In Orlando….

Scott Hall: Get by the phone, Kev! This is the part where Eric calls us to be in the nWo!

Kevin Nash: Scottie, I’m doin’ my Sudoku, if he calls the machine will get it. Besides, I’ve told you a million times now that I’m not going back to WWE. I’m in TNA for now.

Hall: I’m not teaming with Stevie Ray.

Stevie Ray: Froot Booty, Tony! Suckas gots to know!

Tony Schiavoni: He’s speaking in tongues, folks! This is the greatest Nitro in the history of our great sport!

Nash: Who let him in?

Hall: This is the worst nWo reunion ever.

Nash: At least I didn’t invite Luger. Man, where does that five go?

Alex Shelley: Hey, Kev, what’s the deal with you not helping me down there?

Nash: Down where?

Schiavoni: DOWN THERE!!!! THE FIVE IS DRIVING THE HUMMER, FOLKS!!

Stevie Ray: Kwang! Is that Kwang, Tony?!

Nash: This is the worst nWo reunion ever.

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DX is in the ring….

Triple H: Chicago?! Are you READY?! I said…ARE! YOU! READY?!

Kyle Orton: Eh…I’m not really drunk enough yet.

HHH: Well for the thousands in attendance, except Kyle Orton, and for the Millions watching at home, let’s get ready to-

Crowd: SUCK IT!

Shawn Michaels: And if you’re not down with that, we’ve got TWO WORDS FOR YA!

Crowd: Da Bears!

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The camera takes about fifteen minutes to gaze lovingly into Lita’s cleavage while Randy and Kyle catch up on old times. Randy is fascinated by the fact that, in the NFL, somebody falls down on practically every play, and immediately questions why the Bears aren’t 4,951-0. Once the match finally gets underway, Shawn Superkicks WWE RAW Referee Mike Chioda for not noticing the illegal resin on Orton’s hand before the match. To be fair though, I’m pretty sure that was just some of Lita’s cleavage makeup that got on there when he was giving her a pre-match rubdown. Possibly also dirt. In the confusion, Coach tries to convince referees to wear full three piece suits as their uniform, Kyle Orton tries pegging Triple H with a cup of beer, but the beer ends up five rows behind him, and Bischoff nails Hunter with a chair. Remember when they were friends? Anyway, Hunter is rocked by Bischoff’s manly chairshot, and he falls over. Chioda wakes up just in time to see it, and Orton wins! ORTON WINS! BY GAWD ORTON HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE~! Randy, Kyle, Edge, and Lita celebrate up the ramp while DX looks stumped. Then Kyle grabs Lita’s tit.

Next Week: Another wacky member of Clan Orton shows up to help Randy on his quest to varnish DX…er…vanquish. Ric Flair gets challenged to run the Spirit Squad Gauntlet, but things are made a whole lot easier with the help of WWE Legend and Zombie Corporal Kirchner! Also, soup recipes with “Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters!