Speaking of terrible rhymes….

Feudin’ with Not Jamal,
John Cena is Tight!
Not Jamal goin’ down,
Faster than ECW last night!

Armando in the house,
He’s talking a lot,
Jeff Hardy gives the shocker,
He’s not blowing spots!

Melina: You know, that guy won’t stop calling my house and asking if he can sleep on my couch. I guess he really thought that he and Nitro and I were actually good friends.

Cena: Well…did you let him?

Melina: Nah, I had Dave scare him away.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I live in her CLOSET!

Cena: Dave, man, come out of the closet.

Batista: I admit IT! I enjoy drinking PEPSI! The mark of SHAME!

Cena: I thought that was your belly tattoo.

Batista: That has a deep personal MEANING!

“Iron Chef Wrestling” Chris Masters: Actually, Pepsi is better than Coke for basting, I’ve found. You know what’s really good? A nice, big juicy ham baked in a thick layer of Pepsi.

Cena: Man, what the hell are you talking about? When we used to bake our Christmas ham in the hood, Coke was where it was at, homey.

Melina: Dude, we’ve all SEEN your house. The only thing your ham was ever baked in was a fine 1876 Pinot Noir.

Batista: INDUBITABLY!

Jonathan Coachman: I’m extremely disappointed by the lack of wrestling on this show. To continue my disappointment, I’m booking an Iron Chef Challenge right here tonight, And it’ll be for the WWE Spinnin’ Title!

Cena: Uh…Ok. He never wins those anyway.

Masters: Too true!

Batista: My belt does not SPIN!

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Edge and Orton are hanging out backstage.

Edge: You know, whenever I look at you, I miss Lita. It hurts a little inside.

Randy Orton: I tow you spleen, East! I miss Lima some crimes, too! The way her beasts would flop tidily in the win! Or how she would play for my donor!

Edge: No…I just miss being able to talk to someone…halfway intelligent.

Orton: I just like tracking to my health in the minor. Hey, aren’t you superimposed to be a “Imitator of Belfast?”

Edge: Nah, I’m not in the title hunt anymore, so my nickname privileges were revoked. Besides, without a girl around, who the hell is going to shop for my groceries? Me? HA! Back to eating crackers and cans of spray cheese for breakfast again.

Just Kenny: Hey, guys! It’s me! Just Kenny!

Edge: Don’t you mean Spirit Squad Kenny?

Kenny: Nope, totally different character. Spirit Squad Kenny wore a singlet and a headband. Do you see a headband on me?

Orton: I, Ranky Q. Morgan, am forced to make admittance, Justin Kenibal, I don’t not see a head crab.

Kenny: Huh?

Edge: Finally. Somebody else who understands.

This match is dedicated to the memory of Rowdy Roddy Piper who was recently diagnosed with “The Sickness.” Best of luck on your recovery Hot Rod so you can be back on WWE TV in no time. Wait…no…no. The Highlanders, of course, represent Piper because they’re the same age and they used to hit the taverns in Medieval London together all the time. Cade and Murdoch are the opponents because…of Piper’s longstanding feud with rednecks? Oh wait. Cowboy Bob Orton. I get it. I guess they couldn’t have booked Orton and Edge to job here. But Cade and Murdoch? They can. And do! Way to go, WWE!

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Victoria now has a “hit list.” I wonder how DeAngelo Hall feels about being on the list. What’s great is the women’s division is so small, we should get through this list before Christmas! She’ll have time to check it twice! Possibly three times if she also works Heat. Victoria pins Maria after all of about 8 seconds, five of which were spent unwrapping a Subway sandwich. Alexis Laree runs out to ask Victoria what the deal is with her mocking the size of the women’s division, but when Alexis knocks the sandwich out of Victoria’s hand and pickles and lettuce go flying, Vicotria nails her with the Widow’s Peak. I don’t blame her! Those things are, like, $20 a piece!

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A nursing home? HILLARIOUS~!!!!

Nursing Home Director: I’m going to shoot with you guys, I’m old enough to be one of you. Now, thanks to our friend Freddie Gerwitz (wink wink, that one’s for you Smarks!), here’s the song stylings of Cryme Tyme!

Shad Gaspard: Ahehehehehem!

Iiiiiiiii’m Dreaming of a Whiiiiiiite Christmas!

JTG: Yo, what’s up with that, homey?

Shad: Oh. Geez. Sorry. Ahehehehem!

We Three Kings of Orient Are….

JTG: Man, that’s racial profiling!

Shad: You got something better?

JTG: As a matter of fact….

Grandma got run over by a reindeer…

Old People: BOO! Your gimmick sucks!

Shad: Man, you gots to know your target demographic.

JTG: Word.

Ric Flair: WOOO! I’m gonna take you old ladies for a ride on Space Mountain, fat boys! WOOOO!

Shad: Granny Panties! RUN!

In the locker room….

Shelton Benjamin: Man, I could do that gimmick.

Super Crazy: Nah, you’re not charismatic enough.

Shelton: What you say? I’m black! Charismatic is just code for “black.” There ain’t no stoppin’ me from being involved in ill-advised skits…NAH!

Crazy: Heh…no kidding. I mean…you’re in this one right now!

Todd Grisham: I cannot believe I allow myself to be associated with this programming. My parents would be ashamed if I weren’t an orphan who learned to fend for myself in the wild.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: You think you’ve got it rough, tough guy? I’ve got thirty seven stitches from the time I tried to eat my trusty 2x4 and got a mouthful of splinters! Hoooooooooo!

Grisham: Are you really that stup-

Duggan: USA! USA!

Crazy: I’m still glad they didn’t send me to ECW.

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Wow. I vaguely remember both these guys. I’m surprised Crazy wasn’t all, “I challenge you to meet me on Internet Heat this week! Then you’ll see why they call me Super Crazy!” Shelton does step up to the plate and claim to represent all black people though. He was in the trunk when Rikishi ran over Austin. Shelton beats Crazy pretty handily, and he’s joined in an in ring celebration by Charlie Haas who came out because he just thought Viscera had lost a bunch of weight. If these two hook up again though, let’s call them Team Angle anyway. I don’t feel like learning another new name.

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Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. John Cena
In a Root Beer Bath Battle for the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: In the twist of the century the Iron Chef can win the world title in his “own event” here. Of course, nobody ever wins their own event, and besides neither of these guys has any experience using root beer as a baste.

Fukui: Ah, turkey slathered in root beer, just like my grandpa used to bake. Hey, is this the first time the WWE title has been defended in an exhibition gimmick? Like will we have arm wrestling or Stratego for the WWE title next year?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Well there was the one time it was defended in that exciting round of Dance Dance Revolution. And I‘m pretty sure Lesnar won his first title in a costume contest, but other than that, yeah. Man, I love whoever does Master‘s hair.

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: John Cena’s “Fried Root Beer On Top of Some Leftover Happy Retirement Lita Cake” was a huge hit with the judges who scored him a 9.2! On the other hand, the Iron Chef was not so fortunate. Unfortunately for the Iron Chef, Totally Not Jamal came out and totally ate all his food that he made. So it must’ve been pretty good, but the judges will never find out. Better luck next time, Iron Chef Masters!

Hatori: And look! Now Not Jamal is after Cena’s leftovers! But Cena isn’t having it! A brawl has broken out in kitchen stadium! What a disgrace!

Fukui: The only disgraceful thing about this is your announcing.

Hatori: That‘s why they pay me twice as much as they pay you!

Fukui: Well…at least we still have jobs. Screw you, everybody else. Join us next time when you‘ll find out who will reign supreme! It‘s not like your fat, unemployed asses have anything better to do!

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Backstage, Torrie is having some coffee.

Viscera: Black. Just the way you like it.

Torrie Wilson: Actually, this is a steaming cup of hot cream with a little dab of coffee in it.

Viscera: Aw yeah, baby, I’ll be your coffee. Let’s go back to my room and I’ll order the angel hair pasta, and I’m gonna smother alfredo sauce all over those golden strands, you like that pumpkin? And then I’m gonna order a big vat of mash potatoes covered with an ocean of nacho cheese and butter, and it’s gonna be so deep that I’m gonna just stick my head right on in there and not come up until I can see the bottom, and then I’m gonna buy a big ol’ ham, doll face, just a big ol’ ham to stick between my teeth and shake it, like grrrrrrr, you know? And for my main course, I’m going to buy a whole damn cow and fry it up with some onions and a little bit of J.R.’s barbecue and I’m gonna slather that sauce all over that rump roast until it’s nice and tender, and-

Carlito spits apple into Viscera’s face.

Viscera: Aw, yeah, baby, you know how I do.

Carlito: That’s gross. Can’t I go back to feuding with Chris Masters?

Torrie: Nah, the longer you stick with me, the more this kind of thing is going to happen.

Carlito: Da-

Ron Simmons: Viscera, I think you’re substituting food for sex in your life. Your sexualization of food has allowed it to take the place of companionship in your otherwise dreary life, making you more and more grotesquely obese, driving potential mates away, and causing you to eat more. We need to nip this problem in the bud right now before you die of a broken, cholesterol clogged heart.

Viscera: Oh…Lillian! I loved you! But I loved Ice Cream more! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Tough Enough Jessie: I missed Oprah today! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ron Simmons: There, there.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with DX.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Degeneration X, and guys, I have to ask you something. You’ve never shown an ounce of giving a damn about Ric Flair for months now. Hunter, when you came back after your extended vacation last year, you were the one who attacked Flair and sent him to the hospital. Shawn, you have given Flair a lot of crap over the past few years, but now suddenly, you all are his best buddy. I hope you realize how dumb this all looks.

Shawn Michaels: Well…it doesn’t exactly scream “renegade stable” does it?

Triple H: I don’t know what you’re talking about anyway, Todd. I love Naitch. We were in Evolution together! He was all, like, “WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!” I love that.

Shawn: Have you ever noticed that nobody ever comes to save Flair? That guy must have been beaten into retirement five or six times in the last couple years, and I don’t remember anybody ever having made the save.

HHH: Hehehe…yeah. It’s just fun watching that guy bet the crap kicked out of him. No joke, me and Orton used to make him blade every night before we went to bed.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Be nicer to GRANDPA!

HHH: Woah, Dave! Aren’t you supposed to be over on Smackdown?

Batista: The lines are BLURRED!

Grisham: Oh Voice of the Undertaker why have you forsaken us?!

Todd Grisham leaps off into the bottomless pit. Todd Grisham has fallen.

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: Help yourself to a beer or something while you’re down there. I’m WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman, and I’m coming to make things more comfortable for YOU!

Crowd: SUCK IT!!

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This Week in Wrestling History: Hey, here’s a bunch of people who don’t work for the company anymore! And Booker T!

I wonder what Shelton Benjamin would have to say about Viscera dressing up like a big white blimp this week. Probably “Ain’t no stoppin’ me from quitting the company…NAH!” That’s the popular thing to do, now a days. He and Big Show can join Luchagores on tour. Then in a few months RVD can show up, and that’ll pretty much be the most awesome thing in professional wrestling history. The real money is in offshoot bands anyway. Just ask Jeff Hardy. Torrie’s shirt falls off, which means it’s time to bring this one home. Carlito wins with a Lionsault. Take that Jericho!

Backstage, John Cena is in Coach’s office.

John Cena: Doo doo doo, waitin’ for the Coach. Oh, hey-

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: My name is not important! What is important is that I just got done talking to the Coach-

Cena: I’m sorry.

Not Important: Me too! Believe me! But he told me that you and my man Totally Not Jamal can’t touch each other until next year!

Cena: But what of our weekly patty cake sessions?

Not Important: Hey, don’t shoot the messanger, bro! I tried to tell him.

Jonathan Coachman: Sorry, guys, but the edict from Mr. McMahon says “less homoerotic hand play, more cartoon asses.” But on the plus side, I’m booking the two of you against each other in a match next week.

Not Important: Aw crap. Does that mean I can’t wear my cool suit to the ring?

Cena: Nah, go ahead, dude. I’ve done enough of these ten second squashes, I promise I won’t leave a wrinkle.

Not Important: That’s why, you’re…how you say, the champ! Haha!

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Here’s Sean Cold Val Venis…wait…what?

Sean Cold Val Venis: If you all want to see people making out, give me a hell yeah!

Crowd: Hell yeah!!

Val: All right, camera guy, find those two plants…I mean two chicks who wanted to make out for the Big Valbowski. What? I said Val! What? I said Mr. Venis! What? The Chief. What? Sean Morely! What?

Random Girl: Hi, there, Sean Cold! We love your hot styles.

Other Girl: Nothing would please us more than rolling around in the ring pretending to kiss.

Eugene: No! Stop this nonsense right now! This is not wrestling. This is a joke! As much of a joke as Bobby Lashley winning the ECW World Title. Take your HLA and shove it, ladies! The people here paid to see wrestlers! Not this crap! And Val! Val Venis you’re one of the most talented guys in the company, yet…you’re out here promoting this? I’m ashamed for you, Mr. Morley!

Val goes for the Sean Cold Stunner, but Eugene slips under it and hits him with his iBook. Val is down while Eugene runs around the ring screaming for people to tune into TNA.

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Man, if you thought Jeff Hardy’s entrance was intricately planned out, watch MNM. I’ve forgotten how much they look like robots on their way to the ring. Melina especially. At least she’s dressing better these days. So that MNM for “one night only” thing was just a gimmick, right? Actually with The World’s Greatest Tag Team hooking up earlier tonight, I’m guessing WWE is just going to hit us up with a bunch of “Remember THIS tag team?!” until they find a viable division again. I wonder what Mo is up to these days. The crowd tries to get and “Eeeeeeeeedge Sucks!” chant going, but…no.

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Yeah, actually, that’s going to be tough for Edge to overcome. Benoit had that problem for years. There’s nothing good to chant at him. At least with Lita he had “Slut.” Maybe he can hook up with Melina. I wonder what Foley and Dave would have to say about that. After a few minutes, everybody launches outside of the ring except for Hunter and Orton who look at each other and shake their heads. Yeah, they’re not going for that crap. In the end though, Edge and Matt Hardy end up in the ring together, commiserating about having both lost Lita. However, when Matt gets all whiny about it, Edge kicks him in the balls and goes for the pin. Yeah, post about that on your website, nerd. After the match, Just Kenny shows up to say hello to everyone, but he just gets Superkicked and Pedigreed for his troubles. Glad to see him get a new start.

Next Week: Not Important and John Cena in a wrestling classic that goes to a 60 minute time limit draw! Eugene bemoans the loss of the Voice of the Undertaker and Paul Heyman as the end of wrestling as we know it. And Jeff Hardy defends the WWE Intercontinental Title in a dance off against Melina.