Here’s John Cena. He is the champ. I wonder what he could possibly have to say?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO! THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!

St. Louis, Drafted to RAW,
When we were still doing that,
Who was the champ then,
I was, still am the champ of the mat!

Nobody can stop me,
I’m hot on the mic,
Gonna beat everybody,
Then beat them twice!

So sit back, Saint Louis!
Grab yourselves a beer,
If you’re old enough,
Because THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!

Jonathan Coachman: Not so fast, Mr. Cena! For you see, I have a surprise for you! You may have beaten one monster last night, but you’ll have to take on another one tonight!

Cena: It’s not the Hydra is it?

Mantaur: No! It’s ME! MANTAUR!!

Coach: No it isn’t!

Mantaur: Sigh.

Mantaur gores a random stagehand and runs off.

Coach: What I meant to say was that here in the WWE, contracts mysteriously “expire” whenever we decide it’s convenient, and I’ve signed RAW’s biggest acquisition to date! The Great Khali!

Cena: So, what, he signed…like…a two month contract with ECW?

Coach: Uh…That’s what you get when you kill off The Voice of the Undertaker?

Cena: Well, I hope you signed Daivari at least to talk for him.

Khosrow Daivari: Leyleahleyleahooooooooooooh! No. He didn’t.

Tommy Dreamer: Wait! This is my feud, dammit! You can’t take this away from me, it’s all I’ve got left! He almost broke my back!

Coach: You shouldn’t have waited until his contract expired to challenge him.

Dreamer: I wish I would’ve signed a two month contract….

Great Khali: AMPH! Aghrugh bmphx woolrodgraffin!

Cena: Daivari?

Daivari: Heh. You’re on your own with that one.

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Great Khali, everybody! The best promo in the business! Speaking of great promos, has there been any greater promos in the past month than the ones my good friend Donald Trump has been cutting on that fat slob Rosie O’Donnell? No! Of course there haven’t? Except maybe the ones Kevin Federline was cutting when he was main eventing RAW. But anyway, I just wanted to point out that just like Val Venis v. Viscera and Abe Orton v. Sean Stasiak and Kerwin White v. The Pegasus Kid, RAW is going to feature another classic feud tonight. That’s right, Rosie is taking on The Donald!

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Backstage again, Vince is standing by with Rosie.

Vince McMahon: Is this the best we could do? I mean…you’re not bad, but…Did we get you from the same agency as we did that Bush?

Rosie O’Donnell: Shut up before I kick you in the balls.

Vince: No, seriously. What, we couldn’t find a fat suit for Tough Enough Jessie or something?

Tough Enough Jessie: You probably don’t even think I need a fat suit! WAAAAAAAAH!

Rosie: That’s some tasty cake!

Suddenly, the cake explodes.

Suga Rosey: Surprise!

Vince: Hahaha…oh, man. I never would’ve thought of that.

Rosey: Hey, has anybody seen my cousin Jamal?

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: How you say…No! Haha!

Jeff Hardy v. Just Kenny
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

Awww…a match?! Do we have to? I just figured out what Just Kenny is missing. A headband. That would get me to take him a lot more seriously. Kind of like Jeff and his handkerchief. This match also, for no particular reason, makes me wonder what happened to the Spirit Squad. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss the managerial stylings of Spirit Squad Mitch. Maybe he can come back and cover for Great Khali! OH! OH! Or maybe Khali can become Spirit Squad Khali! Always ready to bring it on, and also to pay homage to his ancestors that have gone before him!

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Speaking of bringing it on, that’s not what these guys are doing in this match. Credit to Jerry “The King” Lawler for saying that Jeff “should’ve been able to win the match” with the Whisper in the Wind. Dude, the guy has NEVER won a match with that move. Ever. Johnny Nitro comes out to complain about the shoddy announcing, but Ric Flair has run down to ringside to punch everybody in the balls. Jeff is the first to recover (go figure) and he’s over for the pin on Kenny. Jeff wins! Just Kenny alternates between complaining, crying, and making googly eyes at Ric Flair.

Backstage, Rosie wanders into the women’s locker room. Because she’s gay. Get it? Gayer than Clay Aiken singing “If I Could Turn Back Time” in a fishnet body stocking on a boat full of sea men.

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Triple H is hurt again. Somebody call Bono and tell him to make another inspirational song. No China this time though. Incidentally, James Andrews also did Dante Culpepper’s surgery. So he’s not exactly batting 1.000, you know?

Backstage, Rosie is with Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) and Boobsie McTitsalot.

Boobsie McTitsalot: I like The View and all, because, hello, boobs! But what ever happened to that funny black lady? She was silly.

Rosie O’Donnell: I killed her and ate her.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Pandas Tug Lightly Colored Cats here and I’m standing by with Rosie O’Donnell, and miss O’Donnell, I have to ask you what’s up with Survivor Elizabeth? Isn’t she just the cutest?

Rosie: That bitch better not mess with me or I’ll cut her. Swear to God. What about you though? You think you could neep me?

Maria: Not if my life depended on it! Now over to my friend, Todd Grisham who I heard neeps himself three times a day! Todd?

Elsewhere….

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with…No. Screw this.

The Great Khali: Affgraaaaaaah! Gun…BAH!

Grisham: Voice of the Undertaker! Where are you?!

Khali: Ungagaga! REF! IG! PEEESH!

Grisham: I can’t understand a word that you’re saying! Nobody can! Shut up! Why am I interviewing you?! Where the hell is Daivari?!

Khosrow Daivari: Like I said earlier, ya’ll are on your own now.

Khali: RAMPH Ugoolie bakbak!

And with that, Todd Grisham snaps his own neck. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Elsewhere, Melina and Victoria are walking. That’s right! Heel Divas represent!

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Do you realize that Hunter got hurt five years to the day of his last comeback from quad surgery? How weird is that? And how weird is it that of the female workers on the WWE roster, this is the best I’d be able to come up with too? Well, if you don’t count ECW Vixxxen Shannon Moore or the sadly deceased WWE Smackdown Diva Josh Mathews. I love though, that the once very pretty Moore is slowly turning into a lampshade. Speaking of lampshades, Melina pins Maria after The World’s Crappiest Spinning Bulldog Ever (EVER!).

Backstage, Donald Trump is getting sprayed up for his appearance. The funny thing is, the guy looks almost exactly like HHH does whenever he breaks out the “McMahon Wig” which puts this parody slightly below X-Pac’s Mark Henry but slightly above Kevin Nash in the Vince mask from Nitro a few years ago. You remember what I’m talking about.

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Ah, Goldberg v. Lesnar, the greatest match between two people who wanted nothing to do with anything that was going on in the history of our great sport.

Moneymoneymoney! MONEY! Given Vince’s relationship with Trump, this one of those weird cases where WWE at least will probably be able to pull the trigger on something off of this, unlike TNA trying to advertise Shawn Michaels, and delivering Billy Gunn Not that there’s a real winning argument there either. Vince introduces the competitors, and WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton checks Rosie for fudge. Dueling “We want Rosie” “We Want Donald” chants to start, and we’re underway. Nice float over snap suplex by Ms. O’Donnell.

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You can kind of see the wheels turning slowly in Vince’s head, all like, “I though they said we were getting Roseanne Barr!” You know, I don’t care how much she looks like her dad, I’d still probably hit Ivanka Trump if the situation presented itself. I may also have sex with her, but that’s another matter for another day. Man, what are the chances of bringing back Caryn Mower to play a pantiless Britney while we’re doing this. Man, a Caryn Mower reference? What the hell is up with me tonight? Good Lord. I don’t even expect you to remember that one. The finish of the match is, of course, Donald rolling Rosie up after hitting her with a giant fudge whale. I think that’s the Hansen/Misawa finish.

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Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Carlito Caribbean Cool (w/ Torrie Wilson)
In a Chicken Breast Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Chicken breasts are awfully bland, maybe our Iron Chef will finally do something!

Fukui: Well, he did win at the PPV, so I think it may finally be our night, guys. Iron Chef Wrestling hasn’t done well in the past few months, but he can really pull through here with a win over Carlito!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: What are you nuts?! Take a look out there, big boy. Carlito’s got all the breasts on his side, man. Woohoo! Titties! I haven’t seen a rack that nice since the last time your mom and I-

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The Iron Chef screwed up again. Apparently, he fumbled the chicken breast on the snap, and nobody will eat anything that’s touched our floor. And I don’t really blame them, it looks like nobody’s swept in here in, like, a month. Not only that, but that bitch Torrie just totally hit him in the hip with a wok. That’s just uncalled for!

Hatori: Whew! I haven’t been hit by a wok since the time your sister and I were in the shower together and-

Fukui: Come on, man, you’ve never even met my sister. Quit trying to drag me down. It’s hard enough calling all these Iron Chef matches. Did you…Did you see where he got beat a couple of weeks ago by that dorky soldier?

Hatori: I’m sorry. It’s a new year. Let’s start things off right. I’ve never had sex with your sister, or your mom. I’ve just been clowning around with you.

Fukui: That’s better, I really think this new year is going to be great for us. Now, loin us next week when we find out who will reign supreme!

Hatori: I totally banged your wife though.

Who the hell blows out their knee on a spine buster? Somewhere, Arn Anderson is sitting there nodding. “I told you, you stupid bastard.” He’s not doing that in the ring, though. That’s where Edge and Orton are.

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Man, Edge looks seriously strung out with nobody to have sex with. Well…except maybe Orton. Heh.

Edge: I know what you’re all thinking and NO I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH RANDY ORTON!

Randy Orton: Spill out, Ent! Don’t be so upright! I can’t immoral having specs with me would be so brad.

Edge: No! You, spill…Chill out, Randy! I’m tired of this. I’m tired of you. Tired of the tag titles. I’m tired of constantly jobbing out to DX. And now Hunter’s gone, off the show, and who’s in the main event? Great Khali!!! The guy can’t even speak whatever language he’s trying to speak!

Orton: Hahahah! Yeah! Grape Coily can’t even streak is own land bridge! What is it eggy whey? Poonanny?

Edge: Man, I should totally have left with Lita. And I would have if it wouldn’t have meant having to listen to the friggin’ Luchagores every goddamn night. Hell, I could’ve left with my idiot brother, Chris. Just think, I could be jobbing to Kurt Angle again right now!

Orton: What’s the old spraying, Epps old buggy? You loft the brittle, but you’ll win the poor!

Edge: Again, I say, “Huh?”

Orton: I’ve, gotta a spit to you, Ebert, ol’ money, I’ve lops a lot of mud.

Shawn Michaels: Yeah, you guys come out here and you talk a good game about putting me and Trips out of commission, but let me tell you something! You didn’t finish the job! I’m still standing, and you bet your sweet sassy molassy that I’m going to come out here next week and make sure you know that as long as I’m still standing, by the grace of Jesus Christ Almighty, DX will never die!

Edge: Shawn, did you listen to a word of our promo?

Shawn: No.

X-Pac: Does this mean I’m coming back?

Shawn: No. Back in your hole.

X-Pac: Awwww….

Theodore Long: Hold on a second, playa! We’ve got a spot open on our card for a Mark Henry! You feel me?

X-Pac: The part I was born to play!

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Hillbilly cowboys taking on young urban blacks! An original plot, for once! You know what Cryme Tyme really needs to turn things around? A peppy white ex-paralyzed boxer/teacher/zombie with a heart of gold that will show them that learning Shakespeare is their ticket out of the ghetto! Did I just ruin the plot to two different movies there? Also, Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Soze. And he was the killer in Se7en. Wait, was that Mordecai’s ex-gimmick or Goldust’s? Goldust is IN THIS MATCH! See how I unintentionally made it all come full circle there? Cryme Tyme wins.

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Backstage, Rosie is crying.

Rosie O’Donnell: I can’t believe I lost the match AND the cake! Waaaaaaah!

Tough Enough Jessie: I can’t believe Vince called me fat! WAAAAAAAAH!

Ron Simmons: Ladies, don’t you know? There’s no crying in wrestling!

T.E. Jessie: Yuh huh! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Simmons: Rosie! What say you and I go fling koosh balls at WWE RAW Referee Jack Doan, would that make you feel better?

Rosie: Sniff. Sniff. Yes.

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Jerry “The King” Lawler: I’m here at ringside with Vladimir Koslov, a mixed martial artist who you’ve probably never heard of, because nobody in their right mind watches mixed martial arts! Also because we made that whole thing up!

Vladimir Koslov: Big shout out to man, Dave Meltzer!

Lawler: So what’s your mission here, Vlad? To see as many puppies as possible?

Vlad: To catch moose and squirrel?

Lawler: Is that what they’re calling The World’s Greatest Tag Team now?

Vlad: Hahahaha! I love Double Double E!

Lawler: Don’t you mean Double-U Double-U E?

Vlad: Sure thing, comrade! I take as much E as possible! Double E! Triple E!

Lawler: Nah, he got hurt at the PPV.

Backstage, Eugene is…turning face? Or something?

Eugene: Dear “marks,” (because that’s all you internet types are, marks for yourselves, and those TNA Indy wankjobs) I personally am glad that Triple H injured himself at the last show. That guy was more like Triple Boring and Gay! Now hopefully some one like Chris Benoit or Chris MothaF’n Jericho (yeah boy!) will step up to take on John Cena (who is seriously underrated by all you MARKS) at Wrest-

The Great Khali: Hamph a gabuadddah!

Eugene: What?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What?

Sean Cold Val Venis: What?

Khali: AH GOMPF TFF MO EFAAAAAGGHKK!

Austin: The boy wants to check his e-mail! Get off that computer!

Eugene: Just a second, I’m almost done!

KICK WHAM STUNNER TO EUGENE! Throw the man some beer!

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Non-title, of course, because the idea of Great Khali with a belt is silly. Not Important is at ringside on commentary. You don’t suppose he happens to speak both Isle of Samoan and Punjabi do you? What are the chances?! I wonder if he also speaks Sting? Leyleahleyleahooooooh! I get what WWE sees in this Khali guy. He’s tall. We get all of two moves into the match (Punch and Karate Chop) when Totally Not Jamal uses his deepest darkest Samoan powers (finding a parking spot) and runs down to the ring to hit John Cena in the eye. That wasn’t very nice. You know what though? Karate Chop is the best move ever. And Khali is the easiest action figure to manufacture ever. Kung Fu action grip!

Next Week: Vince hires Tommy Lee and Kid Rock to fight for Pamela Anderson’s affections/diseases! Shawn Michaels acts morally opposed to the idea of cutting a promo. And Triple H (sans leg muscles) casually mentions that he plans on gutting out the Royal Rumble during one of those gory video packages I hate.

All that, and Andy Rooney, next time!