Hmm…that music can only mean one thing! It’s time for some APPLE DOUGH!!

There’s a table in the ring,
And there’s the Coach,
Only means one thing,
The champ is toast!

It’s contract time,
You best beware!
I could be out of here,
Like Sean O’Haire!

Who’s the opponent gonna be?
Is it Val Venis?!
I really hope it’s Maria.
So she can suc-

Jonathan Coachman: That’s enough, John.

Cena: THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Coach: Not for long he’s not, because, as you so astutely surmised by the presence of the ol’ contract signing table, it’s time for you to meet your Royal Rumble opponent, and since Teddy Long stole my idea to do Beat the Clock, I’ve just gone ahead and picked your opponent for the Rumble. And it is-

Cena: Val Venis!!

Coach: No. It’s-

Cena: Pleeeeeeeease tell me it’s Maria.

Coach: No! It’s Totally Not Jamal!

Cena: Ugh! Who is it then?!

Coach: Totally Not Jamal!

Cena: I know it’s not Jamal! But who is it? I really want to know!

Coach: I’m telling you, your opponent for the Rumble is Totally Not Jamal! What more do you want to know?

Cena: WHO?!

Jim Neidhart: Third base!

And speaking of third base, here comes the Gold Glove third baseman for the Samoan National Slow Pitch Softball League (I looked it up!) Totally Not Jamal, with his manager Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon.

Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon: John Cena! Haha! Listen to me! My name is Not Important! What is important is that you will soon be, how you say, jobbing, to my man, Totally Not Jamal!

Cena: That’s great, but I’d still like to know who my Royal Rumble opponent is. Is…is it K-Fed?

Totally Not Jamal: Third base?

Not Important: I see what we’re doing here. We used to play this game in Cuba all the time! Nobody is going to be your first baseman, because he defected to America to play for the Padres. Haha!

Cena: Ugh. You’re not doing it right.

Not Important: By the way, your match with Totally Not Jamal at the Royal Rumble? Is going to be Last Man Standing!

Cena: Now you’re really not doing it right. And I’m confused. Is it Mark Henry?

Then Not Jamal licks the contract, which is just as good as signing it in Deepest Darkest Samoa, so Cena throws him through the ring steps, and then throws Not Important through the table. What a jerk Totally Not Jamal, by the way, after one move, can’t answer a 20 count, so that’s going to be a fun match.

(ads)

I can’t tell who in this match is most excited about American Idol premiering tomorrow. Probably UPW Senior Referee Marty Alliance (nee Rubacava). Aw, look, Maria! Another neep! Maria tries out Jeff’s dance, and in doing so makes it look more organic than it has in about 8 years. Way to show him up, sister. I have nothing positive to say about Nitro and Melina. Nothing negative really, either. I’m just sayin’. Jeff wins with a Swanton, to continue this cross brand feud between MNM and The Hardy Boyz, that, I swear to you, would have absolutely LIT UP Shotgun Saturday Night.

Backstage, Vince is sharing a couch and a nice refreshing bowl of punch with Coach.

Vince McMahon: Happy Martin Luther King Day, Coach!

Jonathan Coachman: That…doesn’t mean a lot coming from you. Do you remember what you did last year for Martin Luther King Day?

Vince: I gave a loving and impassioned speech about the progression of the black wrestler under the WWE banner?

Coach: You threw up all over Lita and then you hit on Shelton Benjamin’s mom.

Vince: Hahahaha! That does sound like something I’d do. Oh, hey, hold that thought, I’ve got to call Donald Trump and wish him a happy Martin Luther King Day.

Coach: Vince, I-

Vince: Hello? Mr. Trump? I see…he’s taping a new episode of the Apprentice, is he? The one that airs Sundays at 9 Eastern on NBC?

Coach: Why, that’s 8 Central!

Vince: Well, can you tell him I called? You will? Thanks. And…tell him I really need him to call me back. I urgently need to speak to him really, really bad. And…tell him I love him. But…don’t…don’t make, like a big deal about it or anything. Like…do you have any of them, you know whatsmacallits?

Coach: Post-It Notes?

Vince: Post-It Notes, that’s it. You do? Great. Write it on there…with some little hearts around it or something. No, that’s too garish. Make…Make the “o” in Love a little heart. Yeah. And, just…slip it onto his desk. Oh! And the “i” in Vince. Make that dot a little tiny heart. Ok? You too. Bye.

Coach: That was not awkward at all. Especially not in front of a nationally televised audience.

Vince: Meh. Everybody’s watching the Golden Globes tonight. Speaking of which, turn them on! I want to see celebrities stumble half-assedly though speeches. Oh! And Borat! We should have Conway come back with a Borat gimmick.

Coach: Don’t you want to watch the rest of RAW?

Vince: Hecks no. Are you crazy? I’ve seen the card tonight.

Coach: True that.

Vince: That Ivanka has some nice hooters. Whooo boy.

Coach: Mmmhmmm.

Vince: What I wouldn’t do with a girl like that, you know what I’m saying?

Coach: I think I’m going to go check and see if my car isn’t…still running.

(ads)

Here’s Edge and Randy Orton.

Edge: I really hate our music. Can you guys play something else?

Boop Boop Boopboop Boooooooooooooooop!

Tazz: Yeah! I’m back on RAW, Brotha! Lawlah get out my seat! And…Orton? Oh, man! I can’t believe I have to work with you again!

Randy Orton: Tugzy! It’s so knives to see Lou! How has my frond the salmon bowel been drooling?

Tazz: Man, Edge, what the hell have you done to this guy? I mean, back when him and me were tryin’ to stop the evil reign of Vince McMahon’s One Title, he was stupid, but he wasn’t…dumb. You know what I mean? The salad bowl is cool though. We hang out.

Edge: I’ve always been a little resentful of how small my part was in that story.

Orton: Aw, Esse, sometimes even the smogiest purloin can change the court of the furniture.

Tazz: No doubt! I should know!

Edge: WHAT THE HELL DID THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Orton: Taps! I can’t way to string out with you! With Tazzle 8 out, we need more scar powder here on Mandy Not OAR! You can join Teen Rapid Arcade O!

Lance Cade: Shoot! We’d love to have you on Team R-Cade-O.

Edge: Get out of here.

Cade: Aw….

Edge: You too, Tazz! That wasn’t your theme music! That was the flatline, which is exac-

Kanyon: Flatlinah? WHO BETTAH THAN KANYON?!

Edge: AGH! NO! Not Flatliner. Flat. Line. No R.

Orton: Yeah, Kidman! Flag. Mine.

Edge: Just…go get, Duggan. Because, you see, just like Hacksaw Jim Duggan here, DX is going to be history after we take out Shawn Michaels! Who was…I don’t know…He’s probably met Shawn Michaels once or twice.

Orton: That’s ripe! Here’s the newest Mentos of Teen Rapid Arcade O, Harbaugh Jim Doohan!

Edge: He’s not the new member of Team Rated RKO! You were supposed to beat him up to send a message to anybody who helped Shawn Michaels tonight! Look, there, you did it! Look at all that blood!

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan: Blood? That’s strawberry pie filling! Randy and I were having a good old fashioned pie eating contest backstage!

Edge: Then how come he’s dragging you?

Duggan: I’m lazy.

Edge hits Duggan with a chair.

Orton: Ooooh! Head Torn!

Edge: It’s not a heel turn if we’re already heels.

Then, for some reason, Dean Malenko and IRS hit the stage. Before Orton can invite them to join Team Rated RKO, though, Edge yanks him into the back.

(ads)

This is match 300 in their series. If they’re not careful, this might get more played out than Joe and Angle. Flair being out here reminds me that we’re in the middle of Louisiana and nobody has tried to get quick heel heat by talking down the Saints. What the hell is wrong with heels today? Kenny still needs a headband to be any good. And helping prove that point, Ric Flair rolls him up in the ropes for the win. Ric Flair won a match? Holy crap! He’s totally going to get beat up tonight.

(ads)

Todd Grisham is backstage standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I’ve got to ask you, what the hell is up with Team Rated RKO attacking Hacksaw Jim Duggan to send a message to you? You barely know the guy!

Shawn Michaels: Seriously? They did that? Hahaha! That’s awesome. I wish I would’ve thought to attack Duggan. That goofy lookin’ bastard has been hanging around here for too long. But seriously, Todd, I have but one partner…Triple H.

Grisham: I totally thought you were going to say God.

Jesus: Yeah! What’s the deal with that? I carried you in that tag match last year.

Shawn: Aw crap. Sorry, Jesus. I just thought…You don’t really want to join DX, do you?

Jesus: You couldn’t handle my Cross Chops.

X-Pac: I’ll be your partner!

Shawn: Oh, go to hell.

Jesus: Heh. You tell him, Shawn.

Flair: WOO! Triple BY GOD SHAWN! I’m gonna be in DX! WOOOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Shawn: Ok, but you’re totally getting beat up later. See you.

Elsewhere….

Vince McMahon: Did you see this letter Donald posted on some message board?

Dear, Vince,

Holy God does your show suck lately. Like, I know The Apprentice sucks, but have you watched RAW lately? It’s terrible. It’s turned me so far off wrestling that I wouldn’t even watch TNA! Or one of those good promotions either. And whatever that ECW crap is? That’s even worse! The only thing worth watching on your program lately is when Fit Finlay throws midgets at people. That’s hilarious. Everything else sucks. If I were your boss, I’d say, “Vince McMahon? Your TV show sucks. You’re Fired. (Tm Trump Industries).

-Donald Trump

P.S. My daughter has huge gozongas.

Coach: He really said that? That his daughter has huge gozongas?

Vince: Yeah. Man…I’m totally deleting him from my My Space.

Coach: Wait…Donald Trump posts on message boards?

Vince: Yeah. He’s got a total hard on for Meltzer. Boy, I’m glad you all chased off the Voice of the Undertaker.

(ads)

Now Vince is in the ring. Amazing!

Vince McMahon: Donald Trump says that you fans want to see wrestling and not comic satire! Well I say that you don’t want to see either!

Hey!

Vince: Because the only thing worse than wrestling is RAW Satire. What the hell are you thinking tuning into this show to see wrestling anyway? I mean, God, we haven’t had wrestling on this show since…what? 1996? And then it was Bastion Booger taking on Friar Ferguson for twenty minutes. When we were most popular, we had two minute matches with The Godfather. The Godfather was near the top when you guys loved this show, and we didn’t even have Benoit or Shelton Benjamin or anything. Think about that. Remember when we made Trish Stratus bark like a dog? Well, now apparently she’s a cop. So here’s the next best thing, Torrie Wilson!

Torrie Wilson: Look everybody! I’m Miss Madness 2007! Oooooh yeah! I’ve got two words for ya! Dig it!

Vince: Torrie Wilson, you’ve been a bad, bad actress. What do you have to say for yourself?

Torrie: Tee hee? Who wants to have sex with me?

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Hey now! It’s bad enough I have to “go where Kidman trod.” I don’t want to think about going in for Vince’s sloppy seconds.

Vince: Quite frankly, you did date Trish there for a while.

Carlito: Ew. That’s not cool. Man, and now I’m dating this weird pseudo-Trish. Don’t you do anything original, Torrie?

Torrie: I do my own hair!

Carlito: This whole segment makes me feel gross I hate wrestling.

Vince: Get ready to hate wrestling even more, because here’s Great Khali!

And then Khali comes out and Karate Chops Carlito in the head, but it just ineffectively bounces off Carlito’s hair. So Khali kicks Carlito in the balls.

Khali: COGGOG! OFP YAMMOOOGA FLPQOOOOUL!

Vince: Yeah! You…Tell them.

The best part of this segment was the crowd popping for the Trump/Rosie highlights. In your face IWC!

(ads)

Victoria v. Alexis Laree
For the WWE Women’s Title

Yes! Wrestling on a wrestling show! I can’t bel-Oh. It’s just the Women. Never mind. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Alexis started running around in a white suit though? I don’t understand why I’m not writing for WWE. Oh, wait, because fans don’t want comedic satire. I forgot. Sigh. Alexis spanks Victoria and then kicks her in the face for the win. My, my, aren’t you little miss passive aggressive? So…who’s going to watch the Royal Rumble? Yeah…it’ll be sweet. Oh good, saved by the-

(ads)

Ron Simmons v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Grape Jolly Rancher Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: The eloquent Mr. Simmons is deftly creating a broast chicken breast basted in grape Jolly Rancher paste. It’s sickeningly delicious. Meanwhile, the Iron Chef is struggling with an egg beater for no apparent reason.

Fukui: Yeah. This week’s theme ingredient isn’t very good. I really prefer the cherry ones. Though I have been known to suck on a lemon one from time to time.

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I’ll tell you what I really like to su-

Fukui: Don’t!

Ohta: Fukui-san!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: So here’s the weird thing. Super Crazy came out of whatever whole he’s been hiding in and cracked the Iron Chef over the head with a turkey baster. But on his way, he accidentally dumped a bunch of chili powder into Mr. Simmon’s dishes, and the judges all thought it was terrible and voted for the Iron Chef. The Iron Chef wins!

Hatori: It’s some kind of miracle, folks! The Iron Chef defends the honor of Kitchen Stadium!

Fukui: Thank you for not continuing your thought process.

Hatori: No worries, bro. We’re cool. I just can’t believe that the Iron Chef finally won one. That’d be like a week of RAW going by where I didn’t mention how your sister came over to my house last night and basted my turkey.

Fukui: She‘s quite a good cook.

Hatori: She‘s also a squealer.

Fukui: Ugh. Join us next week when we find out who will reign supreme.

Ron Simmons: I am having a really hard time believing that I lost.

(ads)

Backstage, Ric Flair is lying in a pool of his own blood.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here, and apparently Team Rated RKO attacked Ric Flair. What. A. Shock.

Shawn Michaels: Seriously. I can’t believe that we’re supposed to not be able to believe this.

Ric Flair: WOO! No! I’m good! This is just a pre-match ritual! Bathing in my OWN BY GO…Wooo…Feelin’ woozy….

WWE Chief Physician Dr. The Boogeyman: I’m WWE Chief Physician Dr. The BOOGEYMAN! And I’m comin’ to tie my bow tie for YOU!

Shawn: Very sharp.

Man. Do you suppose Viscera is backstage thinking, “What’s a brotha got to do to get on this show?” It’s nice, though, that WWE is celebrating Martin Luther King Day by featuring WWE’s most popular black performer, Charlie Haas. At some point in the match, Shad tries to steal one of the turnbuckles, but Haas stops him because kleptomania gives black people a bad name. Meanwhile, JTG pins Shelton. It’s nice to see such a good, racially sensitive feud getting screen time. On his way out, Shad steals WWE Time Keeper Mark Yeaton. I hope you give him a good home!

Backstage again….

Todd Grisham: Man, Shawn. Sucks to be you. I guess you should have thought all those million years ago that being a whiny little bitch wouldn’t make you any friends, huh?

Shawn Michaels: Pfft. I don’t need friends to hold down two punk kids.

Marty Jannetty: Shawn, we came as fast as we could!

Scott Hall: Yo, mang, Kev couldn’t come. Apparently he and Bob Backlund are going on rollercoasters at Universal all day today.

Shawn: Man, maybe you’re right, Todd. Look at the crappy ass friends I’ve made over the years. Good luck finding the ring, you drunks.

Jannetty: That would hurt if it weren’t so true.

Hall: Wait, this is a wrestling show?

Vince: Hahahaha. No.

Shawn turns around to Superkick Todd Grisham, but Todd has already died from alcohol poisoning from hanging out with Hall and Jannetty for two minutes. Todd Grisham has fallen.

(ads)

Triple H has a visit with Dr. James Andrews. Be sure to ask him how Dante is doing!

In the ring….

Edge: Are you ready? No! Bossier City…Wait…Where?

Randy Orton: Leggies and General men, buoys and ghouls, chicklets of all tazers! Teen Rapid Arcade O probably brings to Jews your Double Double E TAG TEEN CHAPLAINS OF THE WORD! The Imitator of Edgefest, Ex Lax! The Legend Kill Guy, Ranky Q. Morgan! The Blue Aim Outbacks!

Edge: You stole the wrong schtick, Randy.

Orton: SNAP INTO IT!

Then Security confiscates all the Voodoo Kin Mafia signs (all two of them).

(ads)

Scott Hall and Marty Jannetty attempt to stumble out to help Shawn, but end up knee deep in nacho cheese instead. Edge “accidentally” Spears Orton to start. You know he’s been waiting FOREVER to do that. Suddenly, Shawn Michaels’ forehead spontaneously starts squirting blood. That’s the coolest party trick ever. I’m booking him and Flair for my next birthday party. You’re not invited though. Edge and Orton take turns beating on Shawn, but when Edge tries to lay a chair under Shawn so that he can have a nap, the ref calls for the bell. There is no napping in pro-wrestling! With the match officially in the bags, Shawn gets up, grabs the chair and starts wailing on Orton, while Edge cheers him on from the safety of the entrance ramp.

Next Week: Vince McMahon comes out and admits that this week’s Masterlock Challenge was poorly booked. The Road to the Royal Rumble heats up when Harvey Whippleman officially announces his intention to enter the Rumble. Also, Marty Jannetty and Scott Hall finally make it to the ring to save HBK.