Er…Tatanka then?

(Opening Credits)

Here’s Shawn Michaels, who is prancing to the ring at half prance. What happened to the fun loving Shawn Michaels who loved to have fun anyway? Oh, wait. That’s right. Jesus. Hahaha…Just kidding. That Jesus

Shawn Michaels: A lot of you out there are wondering what might be wrong with me. You think ol’ HBK has lost his edge of late, and that might be true. You see, over the last couple months I’ve been pandering to the crowd by pointing at my crotch, and playing the humble servant of the King of Kings, Triple H. And the fact of the matter is, I looked pretty dumb doing it. I mean, not as dumb as Sting trying to turn heel by attacking Abyss for no reason, but on the scale of Born Again Christian Wrestlers, where a 1 is Jake Roberts getting cracked up on PPV and asking a twelve year old to pet his snake, and a 10 is Nikita Koloff literally being crucified for our sins at an Indy show in Dallas, my performance ranks a solid Ted Dibiase using wrestling to teach people about the evils of Satan. That is to say that my gimmick change wasn’t very effective. So what am I going to do about it? I’m going to beat people up in the Royal Rumble, and then go to Wrestlemania, and strike down the evil John Cena, and bring good wholesome order back to this show!

Edge: Shawn, if anybody in this company wanted more Chris Tians it would be me. But I’m not exactly sure how beating up Sandman or The Miz is going to make some kind of dramatic statement that you’re done being a crotch pointing stoolie, you got your smile back, and you’re ready to main event Wrestlemania again.

Shawn: Art thou questioning the voracity of mine convictions?! Oh, Edge, you’re in for a world of smiting!

Edge: Neither of us will ever beat Cena anyway.

Shawn: How appropriate! You fight like a cow!

And then Shawn jumps him. They fight over the barricade, into the crowd, through the concourse, into the concession stands, stop for a hot dog, and then fight right on out the door. I wonder if they’ll be fighting all the way to the Rumble? Oh, wouldn’t that be fun. If Edge and Shawn came down the ramp at the beginning of the show like they never stopped all week?

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No, wait, Coach is out there with them.

Jonathan Coachman: Guys, what the hell is going on? What are you going to do? Fight until the Rumble?

Shawn Michaels: He started it!

Edge: Nuh uh! You totally did. With you being all, “Oh, it’s either going to be me or Undertaker this year, screw you guys!” talk out there. Undertaker is gone man.

Coach: I don’t even care who started it. This feud is friggin’ pointless this close to Wrestle mania. We’re three months away and we don’t even have a storyline worth the time! Shawn, go back to your locker room and think about what you’ve done. I’m replacing you in the Mania main event with The Great Khali.

The Great Khali: APDOOO FHAAFFEN! GLLLLLLAP!!

Coach: Yeah. Of course you are, big guy?

Dean Malenko: Can I be in the Royal Rumble this year?

Edge: Finlay’s midget is invading from Smackdown! Get him!

And with that, they all chase Dean down the hall.

Clearly MNM and the Hardyz transcend the brand split. I think Imagi had something to do with that. Seriously though, was Matt’s appearance fee to high or something? Did he miss his message board so much that he was too busy having a one on one video conference chat with Big Pimpin’ Alex and he just plain forgot to come out here for this match? Whatever. Mercury is totally rocking that Demolition mask. If he and Christian York would’ve had those, ECW never would have died. The first time. Jeff pins him in under 15 seconds, so maybe I don’t have any clue what I’m talking about here.

Backstage, Dean Malenko is cowering behind Vince McMahon’s pant leg.

Vince McMahon: Get off me, dammit!

Jonathan Coachman: Vince, get out of the way, we’re here to take Finlay’s midget into custody for crimes against RAW.

Vince: Fin-Coach, this is Dean Malenko!

Coach: Who?

Dean Malenko: The Man of 1,000 Holds and the world’s greatest private dick!

At this, Malenko jumps Coach and takes him to the floor in an armbar. Hey, that’s Monty Brown’s finisher! Err…I’m sorry. The Marquis de Conair.

Vince: That gives me an idea! Tonight, in that very ring, Shawn Michaels will take on Edge in a Marquis de Conair Rules match!

Coach: OOooww! Ow Ow! What about stopping stupid old feuds like Edge/Michaels to clear a path for Michaels/Cena? AAAAARGH!

Vince: I’ll book whatever I want when Triple H is gone! Now get him, Dean! Break his arm!

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And now Vince is in the ring, followed closely by Coach, who is still attached to Dean Malenko.

Vince McMahon: Quite frankly, I’m a little disappointed with how this night is going. You see this was the show that was supposed to kick off our big yearly run to Wrestlemania, but instead all we’ve had is, what? Shawn Michaels whining about how nobody takes him seriously any more and a Jeff Hardy match? That’s hardly the stuff of legend, folks. In fact, if this continues, we might go down faster than Rosie O’Donnell on a Chinese woman on all you can eat stir fry night. Speaking of Rosie, my good friend Donald Trump’s show The Apprentice is doing horribly in the ratings this year, mostly because nobody wants to see a boorish man with bad hair flit around the TV screen talking about himself any more. Not even his daughter Ivanka’s huge gozongas can save that show. So, in closing, this Wrestlemania season is off to a poor start, but at least USA will never cancel us. Can’t say the same for The Apprentice can you?

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo YO! YO! YO!!

I hear you out here talking,
About how you better than Trump,
I’m telling you something,
You’re just a Donald chump!

You both got little daughters,
With big huge boobs,
You’re both so damn boring,
People’d rather watch YouTube.

Donald Trump has failed businesses
Vince, you’ve got the XFL!
Will it ever make a comeback?
Hey, No Chance in Hell!

John Cena’s rhymes are tight,
Vince, your machine is goin’ down,
RAW may never get cancelled,
But your WWE Champion is a clown.

Wait, did I just say that?
Vince, I meant you’re in the clear!
TV Ratings are going to be booming,
‘Cuz THE CHAMP IS HERE!!

Vince: Doesn’t the WWE Champion have anything better to do than interrupt one of my meandering promos? I don’t think you and I even have any unresolved tension.

Cena: It’s soooo boring just sitting backstage.

Jonathan Coachman: OW! Hey! Get off me, Dean! John, I’ll have you know that…ow…Donald Trump is not a failed businessman. In fact, he’s twice the businessman that Mr. McMahon is. Agh!

Vince: True, true.

Coach: And Trump’s daughter has boobies twice as nice as Stephanie.

Vince: That’s where I draw the line! Coach! You’re taking on Cena in this very ring. TONIGHT!

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Super Crazy v. Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters
In a Hot Cocoa Battle

Shinichiro Ohta: Fukui-san!

Kenji Fukui: Go ahead!

Ohta: Apparently, I was fired in the last round of roster cuts, so you can all go to hell.

Fukui: Well, good looking out for you, Ohta! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Man, I don’t even know how to call these without Ohta explaining everything to me…Umm…What the hell do you cook with hot cocoa anyway?

Dr. Yukio Hatori: I made a really mean steak sautéed in mint hot chocolate one time. Man…That was pretty gross. Who the hell picks the themes for these things? Your mom?

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Prairie Trolls Leap Calvin Coolidge, here, and I’m standing by with my son, Fukui! Fukui did you know that Chris Masters has never had a cup of Hot Cocoa?

Fukui: ….

Hatori: Fukui-San!

Fukui: Go ahead!

Maria: I will! Thanks for the great segment, guys. I really think we nailed this one.

Hatori: Um…Super Crazy won, with his super spicy cinnamon cocoa vs. the Iron Chef’s Swiss Miss powder in cold lemonade. In…other news, I’d totally hit Maria like she was one of Kenji here’s relatives.

Fukui: Hell, me too. Not, the relatives part, that’s sick. But she’s definitely better looking than Ohta ever was.

Hatori: I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, but you’ve been reassigned to be the new head trainer for DSW.

Fukui: Fantastic. Join us next week when somebody else finds out WHO WILL REIGN SUPREME!!

Backstage….

Vince McMahon: Quick, Coach, think of somebody on ECW who I haven’t fired yet.

Jonathan Coachman: Stevie Richards?

Vince: No, no. Too obvious. Besides, I’m trying to shave a couple bucks off the bottom line for the end of the fiscal year, not hand deliver huge names to TNA. How about Tough Enough Jessie? What’s she doing for us lately?

Tough Enough Jessie: Working for free since you fired me the last time! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Vince: Perfect. We’ll just fire some of the Ducks and Geese. Oh, and Maven.

Coach: Sir, Maven hasn’t worked here for years….

Vince: Excellent! I’m always one step ahead of myself, Coach!

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Backstage, Maria is standing by with Just Kenny….

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Pretty Trolls Laugh Creeply, Cool! here and I’m standing by with Just Kenny, and Just, I’ve got to ask you, how do you feel about the Royal Rumble?

Just Kenny: I like it pretty good.

Maria: Thanks! Back to you-

Kenny: That’s it? I don’t get to talk myself up? How I’m going to be the youngest guy to ever win the Rumble?

Maria: Pshaw! You don’t have a chance in hell, kiddo.

Elsewhere, Edge is hanging out with Randy Orton.

Edge: Your mascara is running.

Orton: That’s not Mascaras, EMP! Those are Bruces! Bruces caused when you stood by and allotted Swan Markles to hit me with the Consuelo last week! And these beers, these are not beers of soy! No! These are beers of sameness! You and I were superimposed to be the furniture of the burgess! Teen Rapid Arcade-O! The WII Tan Teen Clandestines! But the first champs you have to torn on me? You skittles up the ambulance ramp!

Edge: Hehehe…Come on. You’ve seen the clips. It was pretty hilarious when he hit you with that chair.

Orton: Hehehehe…Yeah. I can’t bling you, Eragorn, ol’ bumpy. It is pricky phlegmy to see me getting hip to be squared. But still, the ‘Roidal Rumples is coming up, and you go what they spray! It’s every pan of trim wealth!

Edge: You…Said it?

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Wait…wait….

Jonathan Coachman: I think instead of a Coach/Cena match, we should have a Royal Rumble match preview. So with that in mind, here are the participants, only a few of which will actually be in the Rumble. Try to guess which ones!

Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Viscera, Tough Enough Jessie, Jonathan Coachman, Dean Malenko, The Great Khali, and John Cena
In a Royal Rumble Preview Match

Khali runs out and starts karate chopping the crap out of everyone. He might only have one move, but he’ll be damned if he isn’t the best karate chopper in the history of our great sport. The best part of this? The crowd is going nuts for Khali, because they think giant Indian men who know karate are awesome. Just as Cena is about to fire back, Totally Not Jamal sneaks in and throws him out. Armando Estrada Ramon Caribbean Cool Diaz Ruiz Inigo Montoya Ramon gives him a ten count while Cena refuses to stand because he’d rather pout. This is the best feud ever. While everyone is lauging at Cena, Tough Enough Jessie throws them all out. Tough Enough Jessie is GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!

The Great Khali: HAAAANGH! IFTAR BLIGGY DAK DAK!

Charlie Haas: Bitch, please!

Then Totally Not Jamal does a diving head butt to the announce table for no reason.

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Cena apparently cried so hard he popped his spleen. All right, who on the writing staff is a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan?

I am SHOCKED that they were able to find two heel women on the roster. Boobsie took advantage of her time off with a broken nose to go ahead and just get a nose job. I don’t know if it was her nose was the problem. Anyway, Victoria tries to work on rebuilding her feuds within the women’s division, but none of the other women are having it. You’d think Alexis would want to break Raven’s titles record somehow, maybe trade the women’s title every week or something. But she doesn’t. So she and Boobsie win.

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Am I the only one that’s surprised that the entire Spirit Squad survived this round of cuts intact? Not that that has anything to do with this match. Kenny is wearing more pink than Bret Hart. At least he isn’t fighting Ric Flair again. And the answer to who got Lita’s wardrobe is? Carlito. Congratulations, man. Make sure you give that a once over with some Febreeze. Kenny wins with a roll-up. That’s why he’s the champ! Woo!

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Backstage, Cryme Tyme is standing by with Eugene and Super Crazy.

Shad Gaspard: Yeah Yeah! We’re back stizzage pimpin’ out Royal Rumble numbers!

Super Crazy: Really? No kidding? This might be the only way I ever get into the Rumble!

JTG: Yeah! Vince is getting rid of everybody from ECW, so there’s plenty of open spaces in this year’s Rumble. Hey…weren’t you in ECW?

Crazy: Who, me?! No! No, way, holmes. I’m one of the Guerreros. Hey, look everybody it’s me! Armando Alessandro Guerrero. Junior. The third.

Shad: Cool, cool. Here. You’re number 41.

Crazy: Awesome! That’s right near the end!

Eugene: I can’t believe you would perpetrate such madness! There are only 30 entrants in the Royal Rumble, and not everybody from ECW is getting fired. Just the elderly and the dead weight. How Monty Brown still has a job, I don’t know, but that’s hardly the point. You gentlemen are utter buffoons. Taking poor Armando Guerrero’s money is wrong!

JTG: Eugene! Just the man I wanted to see. How’d you like to be on the Royal Rumble pre-show? You can host with Todd Grisham!

Eugene: That’s the stuff dreams are made of! You guys are all right, man.

Shad: Great. Now let us abscond with these penny bagger’s monies like the rapscallions that we are!

JTG: Here, backstage person. Enjoy this stolen portrait of dogs playing a card game!

Ron Simmons: Thanks you guys, I think this will look just swell hanging in my foyer.

Rob Van Dam: Duuuuude, there’s a hidden message in that painting!

Tommy Dreamer: No there’s not, Rob. Now let’s get out of here before we get fired.

Elsewhere, Shawn Michaels is changing out of his tank top and mirror pants. This is serious business, folks!

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Shawn Michaels v. Edge
In a Marquis de Conair Rules Match

For those of you unfamiliar with this particular variation of the wrestling match, the Marquis De Conair rules match dates back to 1849, when real men were wrestling with bears or whatever. In this version of the rules, the winner of the match is the first one to hit he Poooooooooooounce! Period. . You can totally tell that Shawn and Edge are geared up for this match because they’ve changed out of their wrestling clothes and into jeans. You know what would make this mini-feud really work? If Edge slept with Whyspyr.

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Not that I would condone that kind of behavior. When we come back, Shawn is hitting himself in the face with Edge’s wallet chain. He’s bleeding for you, Edge! They get a ladder in there, but then simultaneously remember how messed up Joey Mercury looks, and decide against it. Shawn gets ready to nail Edge with a chair, but suddenly the blood loss hits him, and he falls over. Orton wins! But remember, he never hit the Pooooooounce! Period. So WWE RAW Referee MiMiMiiiWOO! M-m-m-miiiike Chioda has no choice but to restart the match. Which is a huge mistake, because Edge nails him with the Poooooooooooounce. Period. immediately thereafter. Edge wins! His victory is short lived, however, as he quickly gets tangled up in Chioda, and falls over the ropes. Orton wins! Suddenly, Just Kenny and Ric Flair hit the ring, and then each other, because it wouldn’t be an episode of RAW without those two crazy kids going at it. Then Carlito comes out for no reason at all, really. And in the middle of all this, Shawn Michaels kneels in the ring. Praying for the ability to wrestle in and win a fake fight. I mean the Royal Rumble.

Sunday Sunday Sunday: In a shocking twist that absolutely everybody saw coming, Viscera wins the Royal Rumble. Vince McMahon and Donald Trump get in the sissiest slap fight since the last time Hogan wrestled. And Gregory Helms celebrates the one year anniversary of his big WWE Cruiserweight title win by carrying around Bob Holly’s sippy cup.