BONG!

Screw you, fireworks! What we really need is the Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker, which thankfully, is making its way down to the ring. Who will it decide to take it’s aggression out on at WrestleMania? The smart money is on Chris Tian! Or whoever is the

The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker: ….

John Cena: Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo! YO! YO! YOOOOOOO!

I know you can’t talk,
‘Cuz, you got no voice,
We chased it away,
No fourth wall, no choice!

Breakin’ down barriers,
Hittin’ reality like a pin,
Continuity? What’s that,
Knock you out like Jerry Flynn!

I know you’re undefeated
So what? Who cares?!
I’ve defeated every challenger,
Killed a village of Care Bears!

You want to face the Champ,
At Mania this year?
I’m warning you now, sucker!
THE CHAMP IS HERE!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: Those bears were my FRIENDS!!

Cena: Woah, Dave, what the hell are you doing here?

Batista: I came to confront YOU! Don’t kill my beary good FRIENDS!

Cena: Undertaker! Undertaker! Sic him! He’s on the wrong show! Continuity error~!

Body of Taker: ….

Batista: Say you are SORRY!

Cena: It was just a joke, Dave. Settle down.

Dave: It was not FUNNY!

Bobby Lashley: Yeah! What’s up guys! WOO! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! Am I right?

Cena: Man, what the hell are you doing here?

Batista: You do not BELONG!

Lashley: Oh, come on guys! You know that Undertaker can challenge whichever of us he wa-

Cena: Bahahahaha! It sure as hell ain’t going to be you!

Batista: Your belt SUCKS!

Lashley: Awww…come on, guys!

With all the champions assembled, the Body of Taker stalks around the ring, looking at Cena. Looking at Batista. Looking at Cena again, all while Lashley cries in the middle of the ring and jumps up and down. Finally, Taker stops at Batista and punts him into the crowd.

Batista: I am relatively UNSCATHED!

Shawn Michaels: So, John! I guess that means you’re free now?

Cena: Have you been following me all week waiting for this or something? Go away for at least a few hours you creep!

Michaels: But don’t you see?! It’s Divine Intervention! Like the time Boogeyman used the power of his mind to grope a Leprechaun!

Cena: You’re making less sense than Orton!

Randy Orton: Yeah, you’re taking less pence than me, Ranky Q. Morgan!

Cena: What the hell are you doing out here?!

Orton: Tippy cup where I left coif! Jam Spinnah! I Desmond a latch against you at Whipplemania!

Edge: Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute here! Orton doesn’t deserve a title shot! I’m the one that’s been carrying this company for a year and a half! Let me main event Wrestmania!

Shawn: You might have carried this company, kiddo, but Wrestlemania is strictly for Adults!

Vince McMahon: I’m really sorry, Bobby. I thought more people would pay attention to you! To make it up to you, I’ll even let you wrestle some random guy from the RAW lockerroom.

Lahsley: Oh boy! Beats, wrestling Test every night, I bet! Goody goody gumdrops!

Meanwhile, out in the crowd, the Body of Taker is chasing Batista around with a cotton candy.

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Once again, for those of you in the reading audience, Charlie Haas is the blackest person in the match. Masters shares tips on pinot noir tasting with Cryme Tyme, who, in turn, jack his rolling pin. While Masters and Shelton attempt to convince Shad and JTG that a man’s rolling pin is his soul, Haas rolls Carlito up for the win. Well, that was rather anticlimactic, don’t you think? Torrie doesn’t seem to care, so I guess Carlito’s got that going for him. Then again, she was married to Kidman for how long?

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Backstage, Vince is hanging out with Coach.

Vince McMahon: Happy Black History Month, Coach!

Jonathan Coachman: Thanks. You know I hate it when you do that. You don’t really have any respect for my culture or heritage.

Vince: Sure I do. Tons. Now, let’s lay back and drop some fourties, yo.

Coach: Vince, what are you going to do about last week? You got upstaged! Donald Trump gave the people enough money to hire Rodney Mack back last week. Could you even imagine the dastardly stuff he’s got planned for next week!

Vince: Pshaw! The fans don’t want Rodney Mack back. What they really want is Lashley/Test eight straight weeks in a row. Especially if it’s for the ECW Title! And if it ends in a count out!

Coach: Look here, I got a new letter from The Donald, it says:

Dear Vince (or current resident),

I’ve taken time away from my busy schedule of sitting at my desk playing World of Warcraft and trying to keep Andy Dick from touching my daughter’s huge gozagnas long enough to send something to you. Vince, last week’s demonstration wasn’t about Rodney Mack, if you would’ve finished reading the script you would’ve known that! Last week, I dropped money on your crowd to try to incite a riot, it might hurt you in the short run, but RAW is really missing that, “Anything could happen, even a big friggin’ riot in the crowd” feeling. Take my word for it, Vince. Having a count out in an ECW title match? That might piss off a few smarks out there with their keyboards up Benoit’s ass. But women kicking their own children’s teeth in for a five spot? That’s like swimming in Scrooge McDuck’s money vault, Vince.

Check you later,

The Donald.

Vince: He really has remarkable penmanship. It’s going to make me really sad to rub my pasty white ass in his face next week.

Coach: No it’s not. You love having other men in your anal regions.

Vince: I’m pretty sure you can’t say anal on this show. But yeah. You’re right. What is with that anyway?

Backstage, Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with Ric Flair.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Potatoes Taste Little Crunchy, Cheesy here and I’m standing by with The Nature Guy Ric Flair. Ric, what’s it like to be super duper old?

Flair: WOO! Maria BY GOD nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool! I’m gonna TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE ON SPACE MOUNTAIN, Fat Boy! WOOOOO!

Maria: That’s great, but how are you going to win the Intercontinental Championship tonight?

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ.

Maria: But…but…I’m not the-

Flair chops Maria down and puts her in the Figure Four.

Flair: Tap out, you stupid bitch! Winning the title is my only shot at getting on the card!

Elsewhere, Boobsie McTitsalot is with Melina.

Boobsie McTitsalot: Yeah, it was pretty cool. The Super Bowl was about my boobs.

Melina: Where’d you get the nose job? Wal-Mart?

Boobsie: From the same guy who does your make-up and wardrobe.

Melina: Touche. Why the hell are we hanging out anyway? As far as I know, we can’t stand each other.

Boobsie: Eh, they had to shoehorn my boobs in somewhere.

Johnny Nitro: Hey, ladies. Good luck out there, sweet pea.

Melina: Johnny, why don’t you ever come down to watch my matches?

Nitro: Uh…Let me break this to you softly. Babe, women’s wrestling is BORING. No offense, no offense! But yeah. If I’m going to be somebody’s valet? It better be for a real damn match.

Melina: Ok. Yeah. I can respect that.

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Balls Mahoney is in the ring.

Jonathan Coachman: Balls?! Get up on out of there! What the hell are you thinking showing up to RAW?! Shawn Michaels is totally going to…Baptize you or something. Look, stay over on ECW where you belong. If it gets cancelled, we’ll bring back Velocity, and you can be on that. And if you won’t move, I’ll have to call in my backup.

Maybe after Not Jamal knocks him out, Shawn can come out and cleanse Balls. It’s always important to cleanse your balls, folks. I’m sorry, that was a bit of a reach, I know. But really, what do you want me to say about this match? Not Jamal comes down, makes faces, Balls tries to punch him, and Not Jamal bites his forearm off. Thumb to the Eye and we’re out. They should’ve sent Tommy Dreamer. Oh! Or Nunzio! Those are the kinds of ECW originals that get results!

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Super Crazy is wearing Orton’s salad bowl this week. That belongs in a museum! Still, I guess it’s hard to pass up being able to call yourself “Super Bowl Crazy” all weekend. He’s Super. He’s a bowl. He’s crazy! He’s Super Bowl Crazy! The two are surprisingly evenly matched for a jobber and a slightly less jobber, but in the end, Johnny Nitro lacks the laser rocket arm he needs to put someone away who is both super AND crazy. Crazy wins on a roll-up.

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Melina (w/ Johnny Nitro) v. Alexis Laree (w/ Super Crazy)
For the WWE Women’s Title

The men have agreed to stay for the remainder of the match under the condition that they can spend the time eating nachos, and don’t actually have to watch it. I’m still a little miffed that My Darling Stacy never won the Women’s Title. She should’ve been all over that like Alexis Laree on Raven. Alexis and Melina go over a twenty minute “feeling out process” which sadly mostly involves checking their eyeliner in their compacts. Finally, Melina gets frustrated that there’s nothing she can do to help herself, and she flings herself out of the ring in disgust. Sensing a big win, Alexis accidentally punches herself out in celebration.

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Is this women’s match really going long enough for a commercial break? Geez. Melina is back in control of her emotions and her make-up, so she’s got the match well under wraps. But she makes the mistake of not really, you know, knowing how to wrestle. So Alexis takes her down and rolls her up for the win. After the match, Paparazzi fill the ring and start taking pictures of Melina, who’s bawling like Tough Enough Jessie on a Saturday. Good looking out on you, Kevin Nash and Alexis Shelley! Still, at least she doesn’t look as bad as Tara Reid!

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is getting ready.

Shawn Michaels: I can’t believe I missed Balls Mahoney!

John Cena: Shawn, I just wanted to say, I hope you lose out there tonight.

Shawn Michaels: Why’s that?

Cena: Because, I’d hate to have to lose my Spinnin’ World title to a 60-year old.

Shawn: Tell me about it. They wanted me to lay down for Vader wone time? You know, and I said, “Noooo way.” And so I…You know, I shouldn’t be telling you any of that.

Cena: Just don’t get hurt! We are the WWE Tag Team Champions after all.

Shawn: Look, I’m pretty sure that even if they have to put me in a wheel chair and let me crawl back into the fray, I could still probably single-handedly beat The Highlanders.

Cena: Hehehehehe. Yeah. Good luck, dude.

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Jeff Hardy v. Ric Flair
For the WWE Intercontinental Title

The champion enters first, because Flair would totally freak out if he had to watch Jeff’s whole entrance. At least he’s not doing that black light and glitter paint crap he used to do. Flair’d think he was at a strip club! He’d spend the whole match trying to stick ones down Hardy’s boxers. As it is, Hardy beats Flair with a roll-up. What the hell is WITH that move tonight? Roll-ups are the new “Having a Finishing Move.” After the match, Flair is distraught that he was beaten by a girl, and Jeff tries to console him by noting that at least Ric never lost to Rico. At which point, Flair flops. Orton wins!

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Todd Grisham is standing by with “Dave” Batista “Davidson”.

Todd Grisham: Forget the internal logic of you even being here tonight. Forget you teaming with the man that attacked you tonight and your Wrestlemania opponent. Forget all that crap. Why in the WORLD do you shout the last word of every sentence?

“Dave” Batista “Davidson: I do NOT!

Grisham: You do so! You just did it again right there!

Batista: I am not SHOUTING!

Grisham: YOU ARE TOO! THIS IS SHOUTING! QUIT SHOUTING THE LAST WORD OF EVERY SENTENCE!

Batista: Todd Grisham, use your inside VOICE!

At this, Todd rips out his own vocal cords and slaps Batista with them. Todd Grisham has fallen.

Just Kenny v. Bobby Lashley
For the ECW Title

Still better than Rhino or Justin Credible, though, right, folks? Seriously, say what you want about Paul Heyman as a creative genius in 1997, hell Vince Russo was too, but that doesn’t make any of their creative decisions since any better or less baffling. The “new ECW” isn’t any better or worse off than the old ECW was in 1999. I still love the idea of Vince McMahon feuding with Tommy Dreamer too. Maybe Trump can hire Dreamer as his Wrestling Apprentice. “Tommy, you’re going to be yuge!”

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He means huge as in “a big star” not as in “fatter than you are now.” I think. What Team ECW Originals really needs is Stevie Richards. Just Kenny nails a flying, barbed wire assisted hurricanrana onto Lashley’s toe. You know, I think they should have the Body of Taker challenge Lashley. Just to throw everybody off. Then have him lose! It’ll be the most confusing Wrestlemania of all time~! Kenny tries to punch Lashley, but Bobby nails him in the face with a meat tenderizer. Lashley wins!

Backstage, Randy Orton is taping up.

Randy Orton: I’m tapering up!

Edge: Randy, you’re supposed to tape your wrists, not your ears.

Orton: Huh?! Oh, well if it isn’t my snow-called frond and feral Teen Rapid Arcade-O member, Pledge! What’s up now, Pledge? Have you come to pear my harp out again?

Edge: Oh, give me a break, you want to win the WWE Spinnin’ World Title just as much as I do! Don’t pretend that you’re completely guiltless in this!

Orton: I’m sorry, Madge, I can’t beer you. I’m too buzzy raping up my fears.

Edge: You know, I don’t even know why I came in here to talk to you. I hate you. I always have hated you. Randy Orton, you’re the most worthless human being I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing.

Orton: Do you ready mead it, Reg?

Edge: Indubitably!

Orton: I think you’re full of worthiness too, Sage! I can onerously say it’s been a pledger towing you too!

Edge: Whatever. Just so long as Shawn Michaels doesn’t win.

Orton: I hate Al Michaels!

Backstage, Carlito is hanging out with Torrie.

Carlito Caribbean Cool: Man, I’m so glad I don’t main event for this company. I’d be so sick of jobbing to Cena, Hunter, or Undertaker now, I’d probably just quit and go to TNA! Hahaha…I love the midcard. Where we can half ass it in style!

Torrie Wilson: Yay for half-assing things!

Carlito: Hahaha…I love RAW.

Ric Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

Carlito: A crazy old man! What do you want?! My girlfriend? Take her!

Flair: Nah, man. She still stinks of David. I’m am the ghost of WWE Past! I’m here to make you care about wrestling again! WOOOOooooOOOOOoo! WOOOooooooOOOO!

Carlito: Care about wrestling? Hah! Wrestling sucks, dude. Hey, wait, didn’t you used to be my dad?

Flair: Well…I pretended to be so that I could get a title shot, yeah.

Carlito: Aren’t you the same guy who jobbed to Rico?! Man, you’ve really gone down hill there, Naitch.

Flair: Sniff. Shut up. Wrestling sucks.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson”: I still love YOU!

Flair: Dave! WOO! You mean that?

Batista: Of course I do GRANDPA!

Flair: WOO! Let’s go take some old ladies for rides on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY!

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Edge v. Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels
For the #1 Contendership for the WWE Spinnin’ Title

Given that they already announced the main event for No Way Out, isn’t this kind of a dumb match to book? Eh. At least there’s still the front of pretending that maybe somebody other than Shawn can take Hunters spot! Shawn almost blows it by falling off the top rope, but thankfully WWE RAW Referee Mi-mi-mi-mi-miiiiiiike Chioda wasn’t paying any attention to the match, so Orton avoids winning. Edge is pissed off that I haven’t mentioned him yet in this match report, so…There you go, buddy.

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Edge and Shawn spend the next twenty minutes or so beating the crap out of Orton, which is exactly what I would do in a situation like this. Orton finally comes back into the match and whines that nobody’s fallen down yet, and Edge has finally just had enough of it, and he Spears Orton. SUPERKICK TO EDGE~! SHAWN MICHAELS IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!! Cena comes out to have a staredown, Dave and the Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker come out to congratulate Shawn, and Rodney Mack comes out to see if anybody has any change. THIS is WWE!

Next Week: Shawn Michaels and John Cena team up to defend their WWE World Tag Team Titles against two Muppets. Randy Orton tries taping up his hair. And Donald Trump makes an appearance in what is sure to be the greatest wrestling angle in the history of time and space.