Ah here we go! WOAH! Check out the updated RAW set! They’re taping on the old WCW Saturday Night set, and the ring features fully two additional sides of impact! Let’s join our hosts Mike Tenay and Mark Madden!

Mark Madden: Mike, I don’t know if my HEART CAN TAKE IT! FOR ONLY THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF 24.95, YOU TOO CAN GET SOME OF THE HOTTEST WRESTLING ACTION!!!!!!!!

Tony Schiavone: It’s a NEW DAY for WCW!

This isn’t right. I mean, Chris Tian, Lance Cade, and The Police are here, but I think that’s Samosa Joe? Is RAW even on tonight?

It…Isn’t?

Oh.

Thursday then.

(Opening Credits)

Mr. McMahon is strutting his way down to the ring. I wonder what ever he could possibly have to say.

Vince McMahon: I’m sure you’ve all read the spoilers, and you know exactly what’s about to happen. That’s right. I’m going to bring out Donald Trump. Donald?

Money moneyMONEY! MONEY! I really wish they would’ve gotten DiBiase’s theme out of mothballs for him. Anyway, Donald Trump indeed does make his way down to the ring being flanked by Torrie Wilson and Ashley Massaro. Doesn’t he know that hooking up with Torrie is the kiss of death in this business? Just ask Carlito! Or Eddie. Vince dismisses the ladies.

Vince: You know exactly why I brought you here!

Donald Trump: Honestly, Vince, I don’t. I don’t read spoilers. Hell, I don’t even know how to use the Internet. All I know how to do on my computer is click on the screen saver, which is just a slideshow of my daughter’s yeuge gozangas.

Vince: You too?

Trump: Vince, let me level with you here. I don’t watch your show. I never have. Every time I’ve ever come to a live event, it’s just so that I have somewhere where I can go and play Tetris on my Game Boy without my wife bitching at me. The only reason I agreed to shoot this angle with you is so that I can levy a bigger casting fee in a few months when TNA wants to use me for a Kevin Nash segment.

Vince: Anyway, I was just thinking that you and I should have a match at Wrestlemania. What do you think? The battle of the 60 year olds!

Trump: Vince, I think that nobody in their right minds wants to see the two of us rolling around in the ring together. But I’ve got a better idea. What if we were able to get two half naked, oily men to fight for our honor? Like perverse Roman Gladiator stuff. You get off on that kind of thing, right? And the winner gets to cop a feel of Rosie O’Donnell while she eats her way through a prison made entirely of string cheese.

Vince: I like the way you think! But I’ll go you one better. The loser wears a suit of string cheese, and is locked in prison with Rosie.

Trump: That’s gross, Vince, it’s no wonder I don’t want to be seen in public with you. But I’ll go you one better. If your sweaty roidmonster wins, I’ll stop wearing my wicked comb over and wear my hair bald and proud like my idols Terry Bradshaw and Hulk Hogan. If you lose, though, you’ve got to stop spamming these poor girls e-mail accounts with pictures of your balls.

Vince: No way!

Trump: You have to let Batista cut your hair Britney style.

Vince: You’re on!

“Dave” Batista “Davidson“: I have got the safety SCISSORS!

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Well…It’s better than a basebrawl….

I don’t know, maybe Alexis thought this is just what Raven looked like when he let himself go, and he suddenly became Mexican. But while Raven might be super, and he’s certainly crazy, he’s definitely not Super Crazy. But what is Super Crazy are these DEALS ON JOE MAUER ROOKIE CARDS FOLKS! HE’S THE FUTURE OF BASEBALL AND THESE CARDS ARE YOURS FOR ONLY FOUR INSTALLMENTS OF $19.95!! Sorry, had to channel my inner TNA there for a second. I hate when they push RAW to Thursday nights. Anyway, Nitro and Melina win because they’ve got to book some tension into the women’s division…I guess.

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Eugene makes it a point to studiously avoid spoilers, and announce to everyone who will listen to him that he is studiously avoiding spoilers, so he doesn’t know that he’s totally about to get his brain smushed by Khali. WWE RAW Referee Chad Patton, however, totally knows. And so he’s wearing his rain poncho. Khali’s in and…SMUSH.

Khali: UNGAGAGA! REEEEG GAAA SPPLLLFFFFT!

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Ashley’s going to be in Playboy, by the way. This is honestly the first time I can say that I’m nominally more interested in seeing her than anybody currently on Survivor. So…Good on her for that.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool) is standing by with Shawn Michaels.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): Maria neep Plastic Tools Leave Crappy Cuts and I’m standing by with Shawn Michaels, and Shawn, I’ve got to ask y-

Shawn Michaels: Hold on a second. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. DX is still hot. Yeah, people are still jumping all up on our bandwagon. Yeah, it’ll still be cool when you get back. Cool enough for you to come in and turn on me, yeah. Ok. See you soon.

Maria: Was that Triple H?

Shawn: Huh? No…That was Marty Jannetty. It’s about time for his yearly cash begging binge. So what’s up, Maria?

Maria: Shawn, Wrestlemania is coming up and only one question is on everybody’s mind. Are you the father of Anna Nicole’s baby?

Shawn: That’s your question?! You don’t want to ask me about my Wrestlemania match or the tag match tonight?

Maria: Pfft. WWE Mobile Alert sent the spoilers to my cellphone, like, weeks ago. You’re just going to ramble on and on about finding your smile and God, and how you’re Mr. Wrestlemania and blah blah blah. Nobody cares.

Shawn: Awesome, I’m going to go watch Survivor.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Ric Flair.

Todd Grisham: Todd Grisham here and I’m standing by with Ric Flair, and Naitch, I’ve got to ask you the one question that’s on everybody’s mind. Are you the father of Anna Nicole’s baby?

Ric Flair: Todd WOOO By God Grisham, I’m not gonna lie. I took that old lady for a ride on SPACE MOUNTAIN, FAT BOY! WOOO! And if I am the father of that ba-

Carlito Caribbean Cool: How come nobody’s asking me about this? Am I not cool enough to have fathered a child?

Grisham: You weren’t in the spoilers, fuzz head.

Flair: Besides, you’re too lazy to father a baby. You believed me when I said I was your father, because I’m the NATURE BOY! WOO! Who are you? You’re just some punk kid who hired Jesus to stab a guy!

Jesus: I’m still not even sure why I did that. Must’ve been turning too much water into wine that night or something. It’s cool though. Cena even gave me a spinnin’ cross belt. I’m not the father of Anna’s baby, by the way. We were just friends.

Carlito: You don’t think I could have sex with Anna Nicole?! I love me some big titty blondes! It’s on, old man! I’ll see you in the ring!

Flair: WOO! That’s why you’re the champ!

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Iron Chef Wrestling Chris Masters v. Jeff Hardy
Intercontinental Breakfast Battle.

Maria (nee Punk Tennyson Lund Caribbean Cool): OMG! Tony! Tony!

Tony Schiavone: Let’s send it down to my broadcast colleague Maria, who is standing by with the Iron Chef!

Maria: I just ate one of the Iron Chef’s donuts, and they’re totally awesome. I’m going to go see if I can’t sneak off with a few more.

Schiavone: THAT’S HER MOVE!

Dr. Yukio Hatori: Guys, look, I know Fukui and Ohta were fired as part of the blood letting, but can we at least try to keep the format going? Maria, you’re supposed to say, “Schiavone-san” and Tony, you’re supposed to say, “Go ahead.” Then Maria relays some antics and we comment.

Schiavone: Folks, I hate giving out spoilers, but I’ve just been informed that Dr. Yukio Hatori, one of the commentators on RAW, is a total douchebag. That’ll put butts in the seats.

Hatori: Don’t you…are you smart-alecking me? Don’t you smart-aleck me!

Maria: Hahaha, so I ate, like, all the Iron Chef’s donuts, so he totally lost to Jeff’s French toast volcano filled with orange juice. Then Jeff wrote out his menu in this fruity poem!

French Toast
Filled with OJ
My heart burns…
Too much bacon.
Should I have made pancakes?
Or are they
2Xtreme.

Schiavone: What a poem that was, folks!

Hatori: Yeah, I’m going to read it to your wife tonight while we’re having sex.

Schiavone: That was the greatest insult to my manhood in the history of great insults to my manhood!

Hatori: You’re…no fun.

Schiavone: SORRY FOLKS, WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME!

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Jerry Lawler is in the ring. Hey, Miz. That’s what you’re going to look like in thirty years unless you shape up.

Jerry Lawler: I’m just in here to introduce the man who beat the crap out of cancer and one our backstage staff for not getting his makeup right, Rowdy Roddy Piper!

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Thanks King! It’s great to be back here in WWE, where you can fight cancer without even having it in your body, yeah that’s right I’m talking about Triple H! Take that in your pipe and smoke it. Now, as for me and my house, well, we’re just glad to be back right here on the premier wrestling program in the whole world, that’s right WWE Monday Night…Ro? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because look at me! LOOK AT ME! I beat cancer so bad I grew MORE hair than before I left. And yeah, I spent a night with Anna Nicole last year, but I’m not the father. That girl, she had…she had the sickness real bad. Not like…a real sickness like what I had, well…maybe, actually because she died and stuff, but she had the sickness all the same, she just couldn’t sto-

Various wrestlers tell us what the career of Dusty Rhodes meant to them. My favorite was Randy Orton. “Dudley Rolls taughtered me that I don’t have to speak goodly to become Word Happy Light Cameraman.”

Piper: -gum and taking names, and I’m all out of names, because I’ll tell you what, my brain don’t work so good after I stapled all these weasel tails to my head because those bastards at Mastercuts ruined a perfectly good fauxhawk I was just rocking because I love to-

Dusty Rhodes: Hot Raaaaaawd, I flubalee flooo heeeeeeah if you wheeeeeeeeeeeel! WWE Haaaaaaaaaaawww of Faaaan! Tha mothaship! Heaaah on daw Howwwwwp Roooooooob’s homedoooah of Pooooooggaaa Raaaaib! Hogg yuuu abooodin’ toooffiii?

Crowd: Huh?

Dusty: Gooob, becaaaauuuu I jussss goooob dom reaaagin’ the spooolah and I knoo whogafaabbaaaao of Amblah Nicoooo baby daddy iaa if you wheeeeel!

Totally Not Jamal has heard about enough of all these guys out here claiming they know who the father of Anna Nicole’s baby is, when it’s clear that she’s Samoan. So he runs down to the ring and pokes Dusty in they eye. When Piper tries to beg off on account of the cancer, Not Jamal asks him if he’d rather have cancer or a poke in the eye, Piper admits that the latter is preferable, so Not Jamal is happy to give him the poke. Armando is just down there to provide moral support. He wants nothing to do with the crazy white lady’s family.

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Torrie isn’t thrilled with the possibility that Carlito is fighting to prove that he could have fathered a child with another ditzy blonde. Carlito’s got a point though, he is from the entire Caribbean, so maybe they moved down there to be closer to him. I guess we’ll know once the baby’s hair grows out a little more. If it’s a poofy fro, Carlito’s in. Or maybe Torrie reads the Internet and is trying to warn Carlito that he’s about to job to Flair here. Of course the logical leap involved in a storyline that involves Torrie reading is a little much to handle. Maybe if we weren’t so close to Mania we could build up to that one. Flair rolls Carlito up for the win. After the match, Flair pats Carlito on the shoulder and tells him that it happens to every guy now and then. Meanwhile, outside the ring Torrie waves a printout of Flair rolling up Carlito at them and pointing at it. Oooooh. That I can get, I guess.

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Melina and Nitro are backstage….

Melina: I don’t get it. Where’s our interviewer?

Johnny Nitro: Maybe he died.

Melina: Don’t joke around, Johnny, this is serious. How in the hell can I not get attention around here? I’m fighting for the women’s title!

Nitro: First of all: Hahahahahahaha. Secondly, maybe you’re not doing it right. You should check into rehab in Canada and then check out right away and shave your head.

Melina: Because that worked so well for Molly Holly?

Nitro: Well, hell, I don’t know. All it said in the spoilers was “Nitro and Melina get ignored backstage.” I just figured that meant Todd was PMSing or something.

Elsewhere, Todd Grisham is standing by with Ashley….

Todd Grisham: Get naked.

Ashley Massaro: Excuse me?

Grisham: Look, I shouldn’t have to explain myself. This is WWE, you’re in Playboy. Frankly, all that means to me is that you have an extraordinary willingness to get naked on command. So…Do it up.

Ashley: Todd, shut up. Now answer me this, are you the father of Anna Nicole’s baby?

Grisham: If I was then why would I have all this Methadone?! Mwahahahahaha!

Todd Grisham has died of natural causes.

Ron Simmons: I find your boobies and this boy’s stupidity to be absolutely invigorating to my interest in the WWE product.

Ashley: Ron-

Simmons: Not with a ten foot pole, sugar pie. Not with a ten foot pole.

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The heels congregate backstage….

Randy Orton: Which one was Apple Michaels? Was she the one that was AVL’s inches combatant?

Edge: No, that was Amy Webber. Anna Nicole never worked for WWE. Girl got passed around more than Lita, though. Any one of us could be the father.

Orton: Not me! I, Ranky Q. Morgan tape grape prize in selectoring only the finest Finlays for my breading.

Montel Vontavious Porter: Kennedy, can you understand a damn thing that guy is saying?

Ken Kennedy: Kennedy. No, I cannot.

Edge: It’s like…an acquired language. Like, if you spend enough time with the bush people, you’re bound to pick some things up. I’ve spent so much time with Randy, I’ve learned to understand a little of his language. I can even speak some.

MVP: Fascinating. A sample if you don’t mind.

Kennedy: I cannot be any more jacked up right now than being brought over from Smackdown to hear Edge talk moon language. It’s awesome.

Edge: Hey, Ranky! Me and the buoys here are groin to go to the…ball and have a few beads later. You cup for a kite on the clown?

Orton: Aww…Med! You’re tying to peep my linkage! That’s slow speak of you! Alas, I have Yogi claps after the snow. Minister Kalliope, Martel Vulcaneous Porker, it was a pedicure mewling you guys! See you in the wing!

Edge: Man, I hate that guy.

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Oh boy! Face ring introductions. This should only take up half the show. Man, The Disemvoiced Body of the Undertaker has really been going heavy on the mascara lately. Never let your wife do your makeup, fellas.

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I like how they kind of gave up on the Smackdown heels side. It’s like, “Ok, we’ve got Kennedy and who?” “King Booker?” “No, no, he’s busy. Who can we afford to blow off on a match like this?” “MVP?” “Perfect. Nothing says, we got nothing, quite like MVP.” I’m not crazy about Dave’s new hair by the way. Somebody went a little too crazy with the safety scissors. I much preferred when he was hitting his heel turn stride, and he had that scraggly beard of a guy who’s trying WAY too hard to grow a beard just to prove he can. That was a good look for him.

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I honestly do love how the heels are kind of the world’s most delightful props here. You could probably do the same match with Cade, Murdoch, Deuce and Domino. But I doubt if that would make anybody flip over from CSI. Anyway, Shawn tries to argue with Taker about who’s better at burying people, but Taker doesn’t have a Voice, so Shawn just Superkicks Orton to prove it. Shawn wins the match, but the Body of Taker is tired of having its Voicelessness speak for itself, so he chokeslams the crap out of Shawn. Cena is pissed because Taker’s always messing up his big matches, so he tries to get involved, but Batista ends up stabbing him in the face with safety scissors. I bet Arn Anderson booked this segment. Dave and Taker end the show holding the World Title in their mouths like a star crossed Lady and her beloved, albeit Voiceless, Tramp.

Rob Van Dam: Wait! Wait! Hold up everything! Duuuude! I think I know who the father of Anna Nicole’s baby is!

Tommy Dreamer: Rob, no! We don’t have time for this.

RVD: Yeah! All right!!

Dean Malenko: No, it’s true. I took a look at the spoilers, and like a fish frying on the sidewalk of a warm city street with nowhere to run and even less places to hide, I’ve found the answer. Buried deep in the paper, like ancient gold left in the deepest darkest cave in-

Mantaur: Dannielynn, does she have hooves?

RVD: No way, dude. That would’ve been, like, all over the news.

Mantaur: Thank God!

Mantaur gores through the curtain and disappears.

Kane: I’m not the dad again, am I?

Test: My money is on it turning out to be a baby carriage full of photos of Sean Stasiak.

Dean: Gentlemen, if you please. In this envelope, sealed like the gates of an ancient and terr-

Abe Orton: If I’m the dad, I’m going to punt that baby so hard-

Randy Orton: Cuppins, you cheddar keep your Hanks off my baggie!

John Elway: Cameo appearance!

Jesus: Pfft. Losers. I read the spoilers. I already know the answer to this one.

Dreamer: Give me that envelope! The father of Anna Nicole’s baby is-

Tony Schiavone: SORRY, FOLKS, WE’RE ALL OUT OF TIME!!!!

Next Week: Ric Flair and Carlito bond over a nice cup of hot cocoa. Edge and Orton celebrate the Road to Wrestlemania by announcing the publishing of an Orton-to-English Dictionary. And John Cena and Shawn Michaels start their feud in earnest by telling some women that their name is actually Earnest.